Zotona Revived
18-09-2005, 07:46
I have not been on for a while. In fact, as you can see, I managed NOT to log in often enough to get Zotona deleted. I am very almost sad. :( *Laughs* It is 1:17 AM on a Sunday morning, technically, and I am feeling a slight dizziness due to a combination of lack of sleep and too much caffeine. I am also feeling very reflective.
I think this site helped me when I posted on it. I think it helped me grow. I think it helped me type and spell better. (As I type the word I use only one 't', then quickly correct it.) I am not by nature one with the general public everyday brand of logic. I find difficulty in everyday things, like not running into doors or opening the trunk of the family car. I am very intelligent in other ways, and I know it, and this frustrates me, but somehow when I post on this board often enough, when I am this connected to several individuals throughout the world who are extremely well-spoken, it fixes that. I'm almost crying.
I'm been near tears a lot recently. My mind is thinking too many things at once right now. I'm thinking of Hurricane Katrina and my beautiful city-New Orleans. Technically it isn't mine alone, but it feels like it is. I have relatives there. I don't know them well, but still... I worry. And then I push it away. I can't worry. I'm too young to worry about anything that doesn't directly affect me, right? Except I know that isn't true, but I want it to be. Now I am arguing with myself... is there really anything I can do? This can't be healthy. Moving slightly further on.
I did cry recently, but I'm not done. I'm gonna cry sometime when it's totally inappropriate, like when I am on vacation. I broke two plates this week. I'm my old self again. The first time I cried. The second time there were other people in the room, so I was just timid and sad without the tears.
When I am in my room alone and I'm crying, I stare at things a lot. My room is filled with pieces of my earlier childhood. I don't let go of things very often. I should, but I'm scared of something. I'm not quite sure yet. I'm scared of finding out what I'm scared of.
Wait, I'm going off subject... when I'm in my room alone and crying, I stare at things a lot. Sometimes I look out the window. A lot of people look for shapes in clouds, which I do sometimes, but when I look out my window I see more trees than anything, so I look at shapes in the trees. It's a bit of a self-psychology test. When I'm crying, I see a guy in a turban. I can only see him from the waist up, but he's meditating and in a meditating position. I just know this. He's frowning. His turban is covering one eye. I think I know what this means to me but it may mean more than I could think of. He's trying to find peace, or more specifically, peace of mind... the word peace is very important. It's not working, that's why he's frowning. I almost cried writing that. He can't totally see anything, but he knows what he isn't seeing. He's me.
I'm upset. I recently, reflecting on public school, came to a very disgusting realization: the public school system, or mine at least, has a history of not only concealing, denying, and ignoring sexual harassment and rape, but enabling pedophiles to find where the youngest children in the neighborhood live. I'm gonna cry soon. The tears are coming, from my heart. I want to do something. I want to kill them all, they feel so evil to me right now in my irrationality. Why? Why do they do this? I can't understand why someone could be so heartless. Well, I do, but I don't want to. One voice in my head screams "Help!" while another says "Stop the voices!" Why can't I just wave my hands and fix the evil people? There's a tear in my right eye. I feel it there. I wait for it to run down my face but it stays in the same place. It dries. I want to cry more, but I can't. Oh well.
I sigh. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I really don't care. I click the spell check button on my Google toolbar because misspellings are unacceptable. Only four words wrong and it's now 1:45? Wait, I spent 30 minutes on this post? It felt like two. I have no sense of time anymore. I click the "Submit New Thread" button. "Preview Post" is for wusses.
I think this site helped me when I posted on it. I think it helped me grow. I think it helped me type and spell better. (As I type the word I use only one 't', then quickly correct it.) I am not by nature one with the general public everyday brand of logic. I find difficulty in everyday things, like not running into doors or opening the trunk of the family car. I am very intelligent in other ways, and I know it, and this frustrates me, but somehow when I post on this board often enough, when I am this connected to several individuals throughout the world who are extremely well-spoken, it fixes that. I'm almost crying.
I'm been near tears a lot recently. My mind is thinking too many things at once right now. I'm thinking of Hurricane Katrina and my beautiful city-New Orleans. Technically it isn't mine alone, but it feels like it is. I have relatives there. I don't know them well, but still... I worry. And then I push it away. I can't worry. I'm too young to worry about anything that doesn't directly affect me, right? Except I know that isn't true, but I want it to be. Now I am arguing with myself... is there really anything I can do? This can't be healthy. Moving slightly further on.
I did cry recently, but I'm not done. I'm gonna cry sometime when it's totally inappropriate, like when I am on vacation. I broke two plates this week. I'm my old self again. The first time I cried. The second time there were other people in the room, so I was just timid and sad without the tears.
When I am in my room alone and I'm crying, I stare at things a lot. My room is filled with pieces of my earlier childhood. I don't let go of things very often. I should, but I'm scared of something. I'm not quite sure yet. I'm scared of finding out what I'm scared of.
Wait, I'm going off subject... when I'm in my room alone and crying, I stare at things a lot. Sometimes I look out the window. A lot of people look for shapes in clouds, which I do sometimes, but when I look out my window I see more trees than anything, so I look at shapes in the trees. It's a bit of a self-psychology test. When I'm crying, I see a guy in a turban. I can only see him from the waist up, but he's meditating and in a meditating position. I just know this. He's frowning. His turban is covering one eye. I think I know what this means to me but it may mean more than I could think of. He's trying to find peace, or more specifically, peace of mind... the word peace is very important. It's not working, that's why he's frowning. I almost cried writing that. He can't totally see anything, but he knows what he isn't seeing. He's me.
I'm upset. I recently, reflecting on public school, came to a very disgusting realization: the public school system, or mine at least, has a history of not only concealing, denying, and ignoring sexual harassment and rape, but enabling pedophiles to find where the youngest children in the neighborhood live. I'm gonna cry soon. The tears are coming, from my heart. I want to do something. I want to kill them all, they feel so evil to me right now in my irrationality. Why? Why do they do this? I can't understand why someone could be so heartless. Well, I do, but I don't want to. One voice in my head screams "Help!" while another says "Stop the voices!" Why can't I just wave my hands and fix the evil people? There's a tear in my right eye. I feel it there. I wait for it to run down my face but it stays in the same place. It dries. I want to cry more, but I can't. Oh well.
I sigh. I hope I didn't offend anyone, but I really don't care. I click the spell check button on my Google toolbar because misspellings are unacceptable. Only four words wrong and it's now 1:45? Wait, I spent 30 minutes on this post? It felt like two. I have no sense of time anymore. I click the "Submit New Thread" button. "Preview Post" is for wusses.