Demented Hamsters
17-09-2005, 11:39
Excerpts from the Edinburgh Fringe 2005
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening.. Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?".
- Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, jump through a hoop of fire and then weave in and out of some sticks. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.
- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
- Susan Murray at the Underbelly
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening.. Self-raising?"
- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the Girl out of Cork...
- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber?".
- Steven Alan Green at C34
Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
- Norman Lovett at The Stand
It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
- Chris Addison at the Pleasance
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
- Arnold Brown at The Stand
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, jump through a hoop of fire and then weave in and out of some sticks. They're trained for that.
- Milton Jones at the Underbelly.