NationStates Jolt Archive

I figured that after starting such a serious thread earlier today, I could at least go to the other polar end of things and go for some humour :)

Lets try to put some of the funniest things you can say on your answering machine.
Links to web sites are ok.

Example:

"Hello, this is The President of the Plutonian Empire, I'm not at my desk right no--NO! PUT THE GUN DOW--"[gunshot sound]
*beep*

How about...

"After the beep you will think you are a cat, yes a cat. You are a cat..."

Or:
"Hello? Oh, hi! Yes? Yea. Oh course (this goes on for a few hours, depending on the caller :D )

A long time ago, I did my pretty good Arnold Shwarzenegger imitation form Kindergarten Cop saying "Today, we are going to play a wonderful game, called- Who is calling my house and what is he calling for? Leave your message at the beep".
It got some laughs.

my cell phone and home answering machine have said, for over five years now...

"Suicide Hotline, please hold."

people still stutter.

I used to have a song I wrote on my answering machine, it isn't near as cute reading it as hearing it though.

I may be in the shower, I may be on the lawn
I may be in the kitchen, I really may be gone
If you don't leave a message or say anything at all
How will I know that you have even called
Please wait for the beep
You can not talk til then
Please wait for the beep
or I'll sing it all again

*beep*

My grandpa made me change it because he thought that an obscene caller might call and hear that I was in the shower and come and kill me or something, I changed it back after he died.

Hello. The answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please leave a message after the beep, and I'll try to stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

My message (I go to an international school)
To leave a message in swahili, press one
To leave a message in mongolian, press two
To leave a message in sanskrit, press three....

...

my cell phone and home answering machine have said, for over five years now...

"Suicide Hotline, please hold."

people still stutter.
LOLROFLMFAO!!! :D

"If you are a solicitor I can hang up on you even though i am not...*beep*

LOLROFLMFAO!!! :D
yes, i am the best. sometimes simple hilarity works wonders.

"Hello, I cannot pick up the phone at this moment. This is strange, as I am talking to you right now. This can only be because of some bizare time and space abnormality, or that all you see, hear and smell is only an illusion. Please leave a message after the non-existing beep."

yes, i am the best. sometimes simple hilarity works wonders.
Kewl dewd! :D lol

my friend's answerphone message has a clip from a song:
Hello it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, LEAVE ME ALONE
then it cuts to her saying "hey, this is clare's phone, leave a message!" well, i thought it was funny. nobody else did. :)

"I am out. I have gone to find myself. If i return before I do, please call and let me know. Thanks, Mike"

or perhaps...

"Neither (insert Significant others name here) nor I can come to the phone, as we are both in the bathroom doing something we really love doing. She like to do it up and down, but I prefer side to side. We'll return your call as soon as we finish brushing our teeth."

and then, theres "the answering machine song" by The Youth Ahead...
<i> I can't come to the phone right now
i honestly have something else to do,
and since your the one who is calling,
i guess its a little more important than you.

So leave a message after the tone,
and i'll call you back when i get home,
just leave your name and your number and the reason that your calling,
and i'll try to get back to... you..."
</i>

amusing little song... nice punk rock style...

Hello. The answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please leave a message after the beep, and I'll try to stick it to myself with one of these magnets.
That is awsome.


My roommate had a semi-entertaining one last year. It doesn't come out so well on paper though.


"Hi you've reached Greg and Branin, please leave a message after the" *beep*

And boy did our machine have an obnoxious beep

One I used to use, but dumped because I realized that other people were stealing it (or maybe I stole it and forgot):
"Hello, you have reached <super secret undisclosed contact info> As of the moment, I am either away from the phone, or purposefully avoiding your call. If you are a member of the former group, please leave a message and I will get back to you. If you are of the latter group, I won't return your call, but you can leave a message if you think it may make you feel better about wasting your time calling me."

"Hello? ... Yeah, hi, sorry. Hang on a second. (long pause) *Beep!*"

My message (I go to an international school)
To leave a message in swahili, press one
To leave a message in mongolian, press two
To leave a message in sanskrit, press three....

...
hahahaha! very nice choice of languages, though. sain bianuu?

one of my friends used to use "watashi wa moeru hamtarou" (i am the burning hampster)... "come and face me if you dare"

"Believe it or not, George isn't at home
Please leave a message at the beep
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone
Where could I be?

Believe it or not,
I'm not home"

"Believe it or not, George isn't at home
Please leave a message at the beep
I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone
Where could I be?

Believe it or not,
I'm not home"
...My friend uses that. Except he change the words to his name.


*nudge nudge* SMALL WORLD EH?!?!?!?!?

Currently the one at home is set to the refrigerator one, mainly because my fiancee has no clue how to change it, but I DID have one that regularly caused confusion, especially for those who were not up on popular culture, or who didn't listen to closely:

You have reached the Federal Bureau of Investigation, X-File division. We're sorry no one is available to take your call right now, but if you please leave your name, number, and paranormal event you are experiencing, we will return your call shortly. Thank you. *BEEP*

I managed to get a professor panicked with that one, to the point where the next class day she called me into her office to make sure my number was correct because she was sure she had reached the local FBI field office.

"Leave a message before the beep" *beep*

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL AGAIN YOU STUPID [swear a lot here]....oh it's you." *beep*

Ask someone else to say this, preferably in a pub:
"Hello? I just found this phone. I don't know who's it is, but I'm sure you can leave a message or something. He may come back for it. Whatever." *beep*

*background noises* *beep*

There's so many

"Hi I'm probably home right now, I'm just avoiding someone. So leave your name and number and if I don't call back it's you."

If this is Mum I'm doing fine and i'm not sick
If this is work I'm feeling terrible, and i am sick
If this is my doctor, are the results back? Am i sick?
If i was out with you on the weekend... Yes, after that much beer of course I was sick.
If this is my girlfriend you're sick... and twisted... and i like it.

If your somebody else or that doesnt answer your question feel free to leave me a message.

Right now my message is a generic boring one, but for a while it said:

(Classical music: ) This is our answering machine. (Switch to Black Sabbath: ) This is our answering machine on drugs. (Silence...) Any messages?

"...................... [whisper] I hear dead people............" *beep*

I have been given a number, which was previously owned by a company. As such my message is this:

"Hello! You are immensely privileged to listen to the voice of [Me]! You have called a private number, need I say more! I am unable to answer the phone at the moment so please leave your message after the tone."

Since I made that message, no one else has ever left a message for that frickin' company.

"*moan* Can you. Hold on. For a minute? *more moaning* *yelp* *silence* [in the background] towel towel, where is that towel?" *beep*

"Hello, I'm not home right now, so if you want to leave a message press 2 after the beep" *beep*

So many people fall for this one

"Greetings, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."

I heard that from a friend of mine.

I have been given a number, which was previously owned by a company. As such my message is this:

"Hello! You are immensely privileged to listen to the voice of [Me]! You have called a private number, need I say more! I am unable to answer the phone at the moment so please leave your message after the tone."

Since I made that message, no one else has ever left a message for that frickin' company.

Reminds me of this urban myth (http://blogs.salon.com/0002065/2004/09/29.html)...

My father has an extremely annoying message. It goes:

"Hello? <3 second pause> This is the answering machine of[...]"

Because the "hello" sounds so authentic, you usually talk a few seconds only to be interrupted by the machine. Even better: It's not a purposeful joke. He made that pause without intention. :p

"I'm leaving this message hoping that nobody hears it. But if you are listening to this, I beg of you, PUT DOWN THE PHONE! IT'S RIGGED!"

I wonder if this will fool anyone :p

Mine plays the Banana Phone tune. In its entirety. Well, for as long as is possible anyway.

Mine plays the Banana Phone tune. In its entirety. Well, for as long as is possible anyway.
LMAO. Fucking brilliant

One inspired by Douglas Adams:

"Hi! I'm too weird to answer the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll call you back when I'm feeling more normal."

Another one, this time inspired by Calvin & Hobbes:
"Hello, I'd like to order a large pizza with pepperoni and mushrooms."

:p

My one used to be a friend of mine playing 'What shall we do with the drunken sailor' on the harmonica, followed by another friend, in a pirate voice, shouting 'Yarrrr!' We didn't bother asking people to leave messages, as most people generally know what to do with answering machines...

My scout leader has this one.

Hello?

























Gotcha!

Haha, I used the Monty Python's Lumberjack song as my answering machine greeting.

Only part of it, but it was the best part :p.

Couple of my female friends did this one for me,

(very suggestive voices) "Hi, Mike is a little busy right now, but he'll call you back when he ... ah... finds the time."

"Hello. We're sorry, but we are either out to lunch, not available, on vacation, or simply out. If your message is important, please record it after the beep and we'll take as long to get back to you as we possibly can. On the other hand, if it's not particularly important, why are you even bothering to call us? Thank you for letting us waste the last thirty-nine seconds of your life, and have a nice day." *beep*

The best one I could come up with was "Hello, this is Nick. I can't come to the phone now, so please leave a message after the bong toke." *sound of bongtoke follows*

My friend Zack was pretty good with those too, and shortly after becoming a metal singer he had the message: "Hey, this is Zack. Please leave a message after the scream. WAAAUGGH!" It doesn't come across very well over text, but the scream itself was beautiful. I was rolling.

Previous to that, his message was something along the lines of "This is Zack. I probably don't have to tell you by now that I'm not coming to the phone, so do what you gotta do."

My scout leader has this one.

Hello?....

Gotcha!

I was just about to make a comment about thise particular message; its one of the ones that just keeps getting funnier and funnier every time I hear it. Next time I hear someone use this message, I'm going to find the son of a bitch and shove a mature cactus where the sun don't shine. It may have been marginally clever the first time it was used, but it's a stupid, annoying, pain in the ass now.

My brother who's an officer in the army has this on his moblile phones answering machine.:


*sound of small arms fire interrupted by huge blast* "Holy crap! I'm glad you called" *Huge blast* it's all gone to shit, get out, get out NOW, HEAR ME!!! *beep*

Mine plays the Banana Phone tune. In its entirety. Well, for as long as is possible anyway.
I love that song. Gimme your phone number and don't pick up when I call.

classical music plays softly in the background...

Julia Child-like voice speaks:

"Um, yes, hallo thair, I'd quite like to come to the phone, but I'm afraid I'm in the kitchen with the duck a l'orange. If you'd like to come to dinner tomorrow night, we'll be eating coq au vin, asparagus topped with beurre blanc, and mince pie. Au revoir, good friend!"

(walking away from phone clearly... ) "PETER, PETER, COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW AND WIPE MY BOTTOM! I'm afraid I've farted rather wetly!"

my friends have theirs pickup, he says hello? and there is all this loud music in the background blaring, and he keeps saying hello? then- 'turn that shit down, i cant hear who is on the phone...." "hello?" "put your shirt back on, my girlfriend is coming home soon" "no, you cant take a shower with me" "hello? please speak up!!" "steve, take pictures of her doing that!!" "hello??" "oh shit, forget this" beeep.

it is funny, only because he made it so long and out of control ridiculous that you have to laugh.

"hel- o-r ans-r-ng ma-ine does not -ork -ell. pl- le- mess- af- -eep."

Basically, "Hello, our answering machine does not work well, please leave message after beep" but leave out random letters to simulate a faulty machine.

"Oh, damn, how do you work this new machine.... Honey? Which buttons do I press? I want to leave a message... "[Beeep] (on my parent's answering machine, when my Mother was trying to leave a memo)

sounds of a woman complaining about having the phone interuppting their "activity" then my Friend's voice "Right, I'll be right there... Listen, I can't come to the phone since I will be occupied for a while. So leave your name and number and I'll get back to you... [A sexy moan in the background] eventually."

Answering Machine Humour (http://homestarrunner.com/answer12.html) :D

I'm sorry, my room mate can't come to the phone right now, he's wrapped in burlap and lying in the freezer, as for ME, well I'm rather looking for an alibi, so if you know where I was last night, please leave a message.

#1: You have reached the gay hotline. Your call is being traced and some gay rights advocates will have a parade in your area dedicated to you, our loyal gay. This is, of course, protected by the first amendment, so there is nothing you can do. Leave a message after the beep. *beep*

#2: Sorry, but I'm not here right now. If you want to leave a message in Spanish, press one. If you want to contact the federal government and confess that you are, in fact, a terrorist, press 2. If you have a leader you wish assasinated, press 3. If you want Bush assasinated, press 4 and the police will be there to pick you up, you sick, sick terrorist, if you......

#3: Hello. By calling me, you are admitting that you are a terrorist ready to blow yourself up to kill Americans. The military is being sent to pick you up and have you tortured and/or shot. Your call has been traced. We now know who you are, Mr. or Mrs. Terrorst. Please leave a message after the beep.

#4:
for republicans: you have dailed the democrat hotline. Money will be taken from your account and put into ours.
for democrats: Welcome to the republican hotline. Money will be taken from your account and will be used to create a draft for everyone between the ages of 18 and 45. If you are in that age group, you'll be sent to the frontlines completely unarmed against a fully armed opponent army. You will also have a target painted on your stomache to garantee a slow and painful death.

"Hello, please leave a message after the beep. Beep.".........*beep*

you get lotsa stuff like ..."and don't forget, twice a day or it'll die. you can reach me when i get back."

Hello? ... Yeah, I know that. Just checking to see if you were awake. I'm really an answering machine! ... Now that you've gotten over that shock, you may record your message after the b-- *a noise* CUT THAT OUT! DO YOU WANT TO GET US BUSTED?! Yeah, sorry about that...Anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, you have to record your messaghahahhaha.... your message...after the...yeah, heheheheheh..... after the *beep*

I always imagine Colodia's answering machine as sounding like that. :D

My girlfriend came up with the idea for mine:

"Hello. <name> can't come to the phone right now. Him and I are doing something that we enjoy doing. We like to do it really fast and repeatedly for hours. He really likes doing it with me, and that's why he's never available. What we do is illegal in all 50 states. That's how bad it is.

Oh, we're out on the road -- racing. Leave a message."

Hello. The answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please leave a message after the beep, and I'll try to stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

Hilarious!

'a is for academics, b is for beer. one of those reasons is why i'm not here'- that's what my brother has on his phone

i'm thinking of using this- 'lucifer speaking. who in hell do you want?'

Up until the end of the show, I had this song, sung by me, to the theme from Friends.

'So no one told you we weren't gonna be at home
(clap clap clap clap)
But you can leave a message on our answerphone
If you leave a message after the beep
I'll get back to you today, tomorrow,
Or maybe next week.....'

Oh, the hilarity. :p

"<A lot of Chinese characters that your browser probably can't support> *beep*"

It'll confuse everyone, even native speakers, as it's mostly gibberish. :D

~Envoy of the Nova~

I used to have this...

"Hello?"
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Could you please speak a little louder?"
"I'm sorry, we must have a bad connection. Could you please speak up?"
*a little louder* "I'm sorry, I still can't hear you. Could you please speak a little louder?"
"ALright, alright. This is just a machine, and all the screaming in the world isn't going to bring the beep any faster, so calm down and leave a message at the beep."

Not original. Saw it in a movie somewhere.

Hello. The answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator. Please leave a message after the beep, and I'll try to stick it to myself with one of these magnets.

ROFL!!! :p

"Hello?.....Hello?!.....Hello?!?!........................leave a message."

People hate me for it :D

I have a friend of mine at work, who set his cell phone message to the tune of:

"Thank you for calling Papa John's Pizza, please place your order after the beep. You will recieve a call in (slight pause) five minutes to inform you of your total due being charged to your credit card."

A few years ago, I had a roommate by the same name. Here was our message:

"Thanks for calling Dan & Dan. If you'd like to leave a message for Dan, press 1. If you'd like to leave a message for Dan, press 2. If you're utterly confused, press 3 repeatedly after the beep."

My girlfriend has this one:

"This message will self destruct in ten seconds...five, four, three, two, one...*beep*

"The number you have called has not been recognised, plese hang up and try again"

My father has an extremely annoying message. It goes:

"Hello? <3 second pause> This is the answering machine of[...]"

Because the "hello" sounds so authentic, you usually talk a few seconds only to be interrupted by the machine. Even better: It's not a purposeful joke. He made that pause without intention. :p



My boyfriend has an intentional pause. He's bored and lonely cuz he lives on his own, so he spend a lot of time figuring out who's likely to phone, and when he answers the phone, he says "Hi, is *caller's name* there?" like he phoned. It amuses him, but it just convinces everyone that he has call display.


My mom's a music teacher and she usually has singing messages or ones refering to the fact that there are 4 kids living here (counting myself as a kid), plus her and her husband. So there was one that went

"Hello, you've reached ... *5 year old brother's name*! Put your sister down! PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! *glass smashing noise* *dejected voice* I'll have to call you back." (The funny bit is that his sisters are 11, 14, and 18.)



I just asked her about some of the more memorable ones, and she couldn't think of any specifics. I know I had one more, so I'll post it if I remember it. Also, I'm apparently now supposed to be scouting this thread for good ideas for her to change it to now.




Incidentally, I used to have a slave (nothing sexual, just a slave when I was in foster care. He paid me a box of Girl Guide cookies and $3 for the privilege,) and he wouldn't do much except be a foot rest, fetch me beverages, and answer my phone. So he would answer "Hello, God's secretary speaking, how may I help you?" and if they asked for my real name, he'd say "I'm sorry, there's nobody here by that name. We have a God and a Fred, would you like to speak with one of them?" (I insisted on being called one of the two names at the time. And I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with the God thing.)

Oh! I remember the other one.

"Hi, you've reached our house. If you're calling for one of the kids, press 3 twice, spin in a circle, dial 522958, enter your access code, and leave a message. If you're calling about lessons, play a scale, hit the phone against your head, sing an eb, and do a somersault to leave a message."


Or something to that effect, said REALLY fast. I once followed all the instructions just for the heck of it.

My girlfriend came up with the idea for mine:

"Hello. <name> can't come to the phone right now. Him and I are doing something that we enjoy doing. We like to do it really fast and repeatedly for hours. He really likes doing it with me, and that's why he's never available. What we do is illegal in all 50 states. That's how bad it is.

Oh, we're out on the road -- racing. Leave a message."



I hope you don't mind, but I just stole that and recorded it onto my boyfriend's machine over the phone.

A female friend of mine spoke in my machine:'<sultry voice>The number you have diales is circa 18 euros a minute."

I don't get many messages, just the way i like it :D

How about the obvious as the answering machine message:

"Sorry, wrong number."

One that wasn't meant to be funny (on my part, my roommates planned for this) was one I recorded for the main house line in a student townhouse I shared with 4 other guys.

"Hi, you have reached the guys at (Number). We're all busy right now, but if you leave us your name, number, and who you're calling for, we'll get back to you as soon as we are able to. Thank you"

After saying this a few times, I recorded it, but how it came out was:

"Hi, you have reached the guys at (Number). We're all busy right now (Insert sound of one of my roomies slapping himself and the other making a moan of pleasure), but if you leave us your name, number, and who you're calling for, we'll get back to you as soon as we are able to. Thank you."

They wouldn't let me change that for half a year and it led to a lot of people pausing and then saying, "What the HELL?"

Hmmm...I don't have my own answering machine. My dad thinks most calls will be for his business, so he says "Hello, you have reached (number) the office of (business)..."

If I had an answering machine:
"911. Your emergency?"
"There is no more room for messages. Please call the owner and ask him to delete some old messages to make room. Thank you."
Some variants on the ones posted before, specifically "fbi" and "hello?..."

I wonder what would happen if you answered th phone as if you were an answering machine...

"(In robotic voice) Attention humaniod, you have called [number]. All former lifeforms in this dwelling are currently unable to compute a response. Leave a short vocal memoramdum after the high beeping pitch. Who's your daddy? *Beep*"

The best one is when you record the sound of the beep the machine makes, and then play it as part of the message. then after like 15 seconds the real beep occurs and people get confused and hang up and try again. my machine is full of messages that just have the sound of a phone hanging up. I hope its not important... :D