NationStates Jolt Archive

ok, I'm supposed to write an essay about a time when I changed my thinking abuot something. I'm supposed to make it an idea or an opinion that other people cna share, not just something private.

The topic I chose was HIV, since that is what I know best. My opinion/feelings changed in regards to HIV when I realized that it was not something that you could live with, and wasn't something that no one had to worry about. If that makes sense, I'm tired!

Anyway, it's supposed to be 3 pages long double spaced. I have only two paragraphs, but I have to make sure (for my own sake) that the two are ok... otherwise I'll keep looking at them instead of moving on. One more paragraph and it's over a page.

With all the new medical advances, HIV was seemingly a thing of the past. It was just something that I never really paid much attention to. It didn't affect me, I didn't have it. Nor did anyone I know, so why would I care? From the sound of it, these new drugs practically cured it. It was no longer something that anyone had to worry about. At least, that is what I, and many others, foolishly believed.

It was in school where we became ignorant to HIV. The subject, while brought up on occasion, was something that was never discussed with the students. The teachers who taught the Sex Ed class were too afraid to teach the kids about sex. Instead, the class was bowdlerized, shielding us from all aspects of sexuality in the interests of morality. This left myself and others unprepared for the ensuing hormones that would forces us to start to learn our own sexuality ourselves.

Does it end with you getting the AIDS? Because that would be a little too predictable.

that second paragraph is a mess.

first paragraph fine, coherent, on subject and flows well, even using a somewhat unconventional style it is well done and I would leave it completely alone

second paragraph, decide whether you are going to talk about being made ignorant of aids in school or about sex being ignored in your sex-ed classes and try to keep the paragraph to one of those 2 ideas, make 2 paragraphs if you have to.

When you ask if they're okay, what do you mean? Are they grammatically correct? Do they sound like a good start? Are you on the right track?

The answers to those, from my point of view, is yes, assuming you gave an accurate descrption of the actual assignment. If you were one of my students, I'd be pleased so far.

second paragraph, decide whether you are going to talk about being made ignorant of aids in school or about sex being ignored in your sex-ed classes and try to keep the paragraph to one of those 2 ideas, make 2 paragraphs if you have to.
I sort of assumed that that was where he'd be going with the third paragraph--that the lack of real sex ed led to a misunderstanding about AIDS.

that second paragraph is a mess.

first paragraph fine, coherent, on subject and flows well, even using a somewhat unconventional style it is well done and I would leave it completely alone

second paragraph, decide whether you are going to talk about being made ignorant of aids in school or about sex being ignored in your sex-ed classes and try to keep the paragraph to one of those 2 ideas, make 2 paragraphs if you have to.

Well, teaching students safer sex practices is teaching them to be safe from HIV, that was my line of thinking. This is a narrative essay, I forgot to mention that.

Well, teaching students safer sex practices is teaching them to be safe from HIV, that was my line of thinking. This is a narrative essay, I forgot to mention that.

Maybe you shouldn't talk about how you thought it was something you thought new drugs can pratically cure then, because that is irrelevant to safer sex practices.

I sort of assumed that that was where he'd be going with the third paragraph--that the lack of real sex ed led to a misunderstanding about AIDS.
Not a bad idea, but the paragraph structure is wrong for it. There is no sentence in the paragraph which unifies HIV not being taught in school and sex-ed classes which didn't teach about sex. Instead of splitting them I supose one could start the paragraph with a sentence complaining about the poor quality of the sex-ed classes in school in general and then using the later sentences to provide specifics, HIV not mentioned, sex not mentioned.

It was in school where we became ignorant.....no way. Becoming ignorant is a bit iffy, 'where' would be better replaced with 'that'. Frankly I'd seriously consider dropping 'ignorant' as well, 'complacent' would probably work much better.

If you are going to carry on with the 'homely' style, be consistent. You can only get away with 'kids' because of the 'personal-introspective' quality of the writing. That being the case, instead of 'the kids' perhaps you should try 'we kids'.

Also you might want to reconsider saying that the teachers were afraid, then saying that their motivation was morality. I believe you are meaning that because of ideas circulating about morality, teachers were too afraid of facing a 'moral backlash', but your paragraph doesnt actually state as much. If my speculation is correct, you ought to better link the teacher's fear, to the morality-backlash, because as currently written your paragraph is offering two distinct motivations, rather than a cause (morality backlash) and effect (teacher's fear).

How about this, then?


It was in school where we became ignorant not only to HIV, but to sex itself. The subjects, while brought up on occasion, was something that was never discussed with the students. The teachers who taught the Sex Ed, the one class that was to educate us on both HIV and our own sexuality, were too afraid to teach the kids about sex. Instead, the class was bowdlerized, shielding us from all aspects of sexuality in the interests of morality. This left myself and others unprepared for the ensuing hormones that would forces us to start to learn our own sexuality ourselves.

or even start with a sentence about how teaching sex was a problem for the school.

Paragraphs shoud have a central theme, and all of the sentences in should be about that theme. There is no single theme to the paragraph.

How about this, then? Much better, quite nice even. should flow well into the next paragraph.

Doujin3--some advice from a college English instructor. Don't try to get every paragraph perfect on the first go. Write the paper, step back from it, then worry about whether each paragraph does what you want it to do. You could find yourself getting two pages in and realizing that what you thought you were writing about isn't the real point at all, and that the two pages you have are garbage.

Just write the damn thing, then look at it as a whole.

Doujin3--some advice from a college English instructor. Don't try to get every paragraph perfect on the first go. Write the paper, step back from it, then worry about whether each paragraph does what you want it to do. You could find yourself getting two pages in and realizing that what you thought you were writing about isn't the real point at all, and that the two pages you have are garbage.

Just write the damn thing, then look at it as a whole.

Exactly what my boyfriend said. That got me two paragraphs :P The problem is, this paper was due Tuesday :O And I was under the impression that it was due tomorrow.

I think that oblivious might be a better term, in place of ignorant.

Exactly what my boyfriend said. That got me two paragraphs :P The problem is, this paper was due Tuesday :O And I was under the impression that it was due tomorrow.

I think that oblivious might be a better term, in place of ignorant.
Even though you're under the gun, you're still better off trying to knock out a full paper and then revisiting it than you are trying to get each paragraph right one at a time. You're more likely to have a coherent paper the first way, because it's a thought process from beginning to end.

I've got to teach in the morning, so I have to go, but good luck.

Even though you're under the gun, you're still better off trying to knock out a full paper and then revisiting it than you are trying to get each paragraph right one at a time. You're more likely to have a coherent paper the first way, because it's a thought process from beginning to end.

I've got to teach in the morning, so I have to go, but good luck.

Nooooo, you should stay up for another hour... :D

Squi, whoever - is it possible to message me on AIM or MSN or Google Talk?

hccpride@gmail.com : Google / MSN
obsideus : AIM

Oblivious would be better than ignorant, but your following comments indicate that you were not oblivious, but rather unconcerned, or complacent. Maybe check with someone who is more qualified to state definately one way or the other (The Nazz, for instance), but so far as I understand,
it was in school where
is not correct. I suspect you need to replace 'where' with 'that'.

Either way, I'd carry on, then come back to it as The Nazz suggests (yes I know it's really hard to carry onto the next bit when you are not sure the first bit is 'perfect'). Just get everything down first, you might change your mind about the introduction once the body has been completed anyway....I know I always do.... ;)

not up to IMing with this computer, but fine to posty here here if you don't mind my being a little slow.

Oblivious would be better than ignorant, but your following comments indicate that you were not oblivious, but rather unconcerned, or complacent. Maybe check with someone who is more qualified to state definately one way or the other (The Nazz, for instance), but so far as I understand,
it was in school where
is not correct. I suspect you need to replace 'where' with 'that'.

Either way, I'd carry on, then come back to it as The Nazz suggests (yes I know it's really hard to carry onto the next bit when you are not sure the first bit is 'perfect'). Just get everything down first, you might change your mind about the introduction once the body has been completed anyway....I know I always do.... ;)

It was in school where we became oblivious not only to HIV, but to sex itself. The subjects, while brought up on occasion, were something that was never discussed with the students. The teachers who taught Sex Ed, the one class that was to educate us on both HIV and our own sexuality, were too afraid to teach us about sex. Instead, the class was bowdlerized, shielding us from all aspects of sexuality in the interests of morality. This left myself and others unprepared for the ensuing hormones that would force us to learn about our own sexuality, by ourselves, as we left junior high and entered high school.

Unconcerned about HIV, yes - however, sex is different.

This is where I curse because I don't know what I want to do now. Edit: I planned on dividing it up into three main parts: what i thought/how I felt before, what changed my thinking, and what I believe now. But I dont know how to tie "what I knew before" up as I want to keep it to the minimum, since it's already late.

If you like it like that, it is your composition after all. However I still think you ought to consider the use of 'where' in the sentence. It is equivalent to stating
'it was the cat what did it'
rather than
'it was the cat that did it'.

More to the point though, if you can, I would take The Nazz's advice, just get as much out onto paper (or computer screen as the case may be) as you can and then edit it from there.

If you like it like that, it is your composition after all. However I still think you ought to consider the use of 'where' in the sentence. It is equivalent to stating
'it was the cat what did it'
rather than
'it was the cat that did it'.

More to the point though, if you can, I would take The Nazz's advice, just get as much out onto paper (or computer screen as the case may be) as you can and then edit it from there.

You have me confused.. :) (Tired, and I have a headache so.. hehe)

If you like it like that, it is your composition after all. However I still think you ought to consider the use of 'where' in the sentence. It is equivalent to stating
'it was the cat what did it'
rather than
'it was the cat that did it'.

More to the point though, if you can, I would take The Nazz's advice, just get as much out onto paper (or computer screen as the case may be) as you can and then edit it from there.Forget that, polish is less important than getting the paper done.

This is where I curse because I don't know what I want to do now. Edit: I planned on dividing it up into three main parts: what i thought/how I felt before, what changed my thinking, and what I believe now. But I dont know how to tie "what I knew before" up as I want to keep it to the minimum, since it's already late.
SHould be done with explaining what you knew/felt, is fairly well tied up and geting into what changed your mind

It was during this time that, unaware of what could come, I started engaging in unsafe sex. Not knowing that there were many other dangers besides HIV, I became very sexually active. By the age of 14, I had multiple sexual partners, all of which did not use safer sex practices.

I don't know how to finish it :O

I don't know how to finish it :O
The essay is about changing your mind....what happened to change your mind, and the effects are probably the next step...

It was during this time that, unaware of what could come, I started engaging in unsafe sex. Not knowing that there were many other dangers besides HIV, I became very sexually active. By the age of 14, I had multiple sexual partners, all of which did not use safer sex practices.

I don't know how to finish it :O"I did not know the risks I was taking then, but that soon to change" would be a good lead in,or something similar

Well, I realized I was gay and what gay was and found a youth group.

and continue explaining your new views. perhaps a bit about how you came to the realization that all you hadn't learned about HIV was important.

It was during this time that, unaware of what could come, I started engaging in unsafe sex. Not knowing that there were many other dangers besides HIV, I became very sexually active. By the age of 14, I had multiple sexual partners, all of which did not use safer sex practices. Unfortunately, I had entered into a rather dangerous lifestyle. All the while, I was still oblivious to the risks I regularly took.

It was during this time that, unaware of what could come, I started engaging in unsafe sex. Not knowing that there were many other dangers besides HIV, I became very sexually active. By the age of 14, I had multiple sexual partners, all of which did not use safer sex practices. Unfortunately, I had entered into a rather dangerous lifestyle. All the while, I was still oblivious to the risks I regularly took.Not bad. need some way of leading into being gay though, or an abrupt tranistion. either a lead in like "I would have continued this way" or an abrupt transition like "And then I realized I was gay." either one should start a new paragraph (which should be the last one)

It's been a long time since I had to write a narrative essay, but I thought you might have to foreshadow what it was you learned in the first paragraph and then build up to it later in the essay. Perhaps a sentence that indicates what it is you are leading toward might strengthen the first paragraph somewhat.

The second paragraph almost makes it seem as though you're shifting focus to complain about sex education that doesn't really teach you anything that's useful. That's a useful point in and of itself, but I'd have to ask you if that really helps to show how your mind changed about AIDS? Though I must say that it can be used to build upon the process of changing your mind.

You have an engaging writing style and it's clear that you write well. I'd like to see how this essay evolves and what your professor thinks of it.

I hope he gives me an assignment where I can use some of my past stuff. I haven't written anything in maybe 3-4 years!

I have to say, I love the autosave feature in Microsoft Word. I passed out while typing last night, and when I woke up I hit ctrl alt del and started closing programs so my laptop had memory (google desktop was indexing and it takes up everything). Accidently forced Word to close :P

Class is at 1pm central, and have a class from 9:30-10:45, and i gotta study for a test in that class now. Let's hope I don't get writer's block for the last two pages!

Ok, here is what I have done in the past 20 minutes. I worked on this for SIX FUCKING HOURS last night and only got a paragraph. 20 minutes today, and 3 pages. I hate myself, I swear.... :P



With all the new medical advances, HIV was seemingly a thing of the past. It was just something that I never really paid much attention to. It didn't affect me, I didn't have it. Nor did anyone I know, so why would I care? From the sound of it, these new drugs practically cured it. It was no longer something that anyone had to worry about. At least, that is what I, and many others, foolishly believed.

It was in school where we became oblivious not only to HIV, but to sex itself. The subjects, while brought up on occasion, were something that was never discussed with the students. The teachers who taught Sex Ed, the one class that was to educate us on both HIV and our own sexuality, were too afraid to teach us about sex. Instead, the class was bowdlerized, shielding us from all aspects of sexuality in the interests of morality. This left myself and others unprepared for the ensuing hormones that would force us to learn about our own sexuality, by ourselves, as we left junior high and entered high school.

It was during this time that, unaware of what could come, I started engaging in unsafe sex. Not knowing that there were many other dangers besides HIV, I became very sexually active. By the age of 14, I had multiple sexual partners, all of which did not use safer sex practices. Unfortunately, I had entered into a rather dangerous lifestyle. All the while, I was still oblivious to the risks I regularly took.

It wasn’t until I started to realize that I was gay, and what that meant, did my unsafe escapades start to change. In my mind, I was just like everyone else. I didn’t realize that not everyone has a sexual attraction towards their own sex. But when I figured it out, that I was a “homo”, I started looking for some kind of support group in the area. I was overwhelmed with all these thoughts and emotions, and I needed someone to talk to. Thankfully, I found a youth group in the area and relatively close to my home.

Finding the group was relatively easily. Getting the courage to actually go in wasn’t. I remember quite vividly walking past the center numerous times, too afraid of going in and being branded ‘a fag.’ Even though I had previous relations with men, it was just “playing around.” We didn’t think of it otherwise. But knowing the social stigma of being openly gay, I was just unable to commit to going in there on my own.

About my 5th pass by the building, a lady, Susan, came out and asked me if I was looking for something. I quickly said no, and turned in the other direction and prepared to walk away. To my dismay, she stopped me as I was starting to walk off. However, my dismay soon turned to relief as a heavy burden was suddenly lifted off my shoulders. She said, “It’s ok, dear. You can come in, we don’t bite. Don’t be afraid, we are here to help.” Exactly the words I was waiting to hear.

I walk inside and I’m assaulted with signs, posters, and other media on the subjects of HIV/AIDS, sex, and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). The group, which was rather small, was having a discussion on HIV and I sat down to listen, while Susan went and got me a drink from a back. I, foolishly, piped in and said that HIV was almost curable. It was this moment when I realized the truth.

I was, simply put, overwhelmed. I felt insecure, unsure about my own wellbeing. I quickly learned the pain that those that are infected go through. The hardships, the stigma, and the sense of being alone: just few of the many difficulties HIV infected individuals must face. It was just too much for me to handle. After a little while, I left – armed with an arsenal of condoms, brochures, lubricants so I could learn more, and teach others.

I kept coming back to the group, every week, for over a year. Through them, I started volunteering around the community trying to get the message out that HIV is a very real threat to us all. I now work with the Illinois Department of Public Health, working with HIV Prevention Education and Care Management through the whole state. I now also represent the youth population for Illinois on the Illinois Prevention Community Planning Group, so that the message is better geared towards youths. I didn’t want what happened to me, doesn’t happen to everyone else.

I now know the real hardships that those infected with HIV face. While the medicines that are available help, they also hurt. They have many side effects, some range from intense lethargy, to acute headaches and nausea. Most of all, they always face the chance of their condition degrading into AIDS (Autoimmune Deficiency Syndrome).

Can't help you right now--sorry. I have to walk to my class in 2 minutes. I'd be gone already but I'm waiting for a video of someone in Mississippi telling Cheney to go fuck himself to download.

The comment before about writing the entire paper first and then going back to edit is right on the money. I would suggest that you sit down and think about what you want to say - imagine that you are about to speak to someone on this topic rather than write about it. Once you have your thoughts in order, then start writing them down - you don't even have to use full sentences at this point. After getting everything you want to say down on paper, then go back and start editing. Work on sentence and paragraph structure first - you may realize that certain phrases and topics need moved to a different paragraph. Next look for any words or phrases that seem awkward and use a thesaurus to improve them. Lastly, edit for spelling and grammer. You'll be able to get much more specific and efficient help from people at that point.

Here it is, in all her grotesque form. Gotta go print it out now, class is in 4 minutes!
--
Michael Sievers
Professor Jim Sullivan
English 110
September 1st, 2005
HIV

With all the new medical advances, HIV was seemingly a thing of the past. It was just something that I never really paid much attention to. It didn't affect me, I didn't have it. Nor did anyone I know, so why would I care? From the sound of it, these new drugs practically cured it. It was no longer something that anyone had to worry about. At least, that is what I, and many others, foolishly believed.

It was in school where we became oblivious not only to HIV, but to sex itself. The subjects, while brought up on occasion, were something that was never discussed with the students. The teachers who taught Sex Ed, the one class that was to educate us on both HIV and our own sexuality, were too afraid to teach us about sex. Instead, the class was bowdlerized, shielding us from all aspects of sexuality in the interests of morality. This left myself and others unprepared for the ensuing hormones that would force us to learn about our own sexuality, by ourselves, as we left junior high and entered high school.

It was during this time that, unaware of what could come, I started engaging in unsafe sex. Not knowing that there were many other dangers besides HIV, I became very sexually active. By the age of 14, I had multiple sexual partners, all of which did not use safer sex practices. Unfortunately, I had entered into a rather dangerous lifestyle. All the while, I was still oblivious to the risks I regularly took.

It wasn’t until I started to realize that I was gay, and what that meant, did my unsafe escapades start to change. In my mind, I was just like everyone else. I didn’t realize that not everyone has a sexual attraction towards their own sex. But when I figured it out, that I was a “homo”, I started looking for some kind of support group in the area. I was overwhelmed with all these thoughts and emotions, and I needed someone to talk to. Thankfully, I found a youth group in the area and relatively close to my home.

Finding the group was relatively easily. Getting the courage to actually go in wasn’t. I remember quite vividly walking past the center numerous times, too afraid of going in and being branded ‘a fag.’ Even though I had previous relations with men, it was just “playing around.” We didn’t think of it otherwise. But knowing the social stigma of being openly gay, I was just unable to commit to going in there on my own.

About my 5th pass by the building, a lady, Susan, came out and asked me if I was looking for something. I quickly said no, and turned in the other direction and prepared to walk away. To my dismay, she stopped me as I was starting to walk off. However, my dismay soon turned to relief as a heavy burden was suddenly lifted off my shoulders. She said, “It’s ok, dear. You can come in, we don’t bite. Don’t be afraid, we are here to help.” Exactly the words I was waiting to hear.

I walk inside and I’m assaulted with signs, posters, and other media on the subjects of HIV/AIDS, sex, and Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs). The group, which was rather small, was having a discussion on HIV and I sat down to listen, while Susan went and got me a drink from a back. I, foolishly, piped in and said that HIV was almost curable. It was this moment when I realized the truth.

I was, simply put, overwhelmed. I felt insecure, unsure about my own wellbeing. I quickly learned the pain that those that are infected go through. The hardships, the stigma, and the sense of being alone: just few of the many difficulties HIV infected individuals must face. It was just too much for me to handle. After a little while, I left – armed with an arsenal of condoms, brochures, lubricants so I could learn more, and teach others.

I kept coming back to the group, every week, for over a year. Through them, I started volunteering around the community trying to get the message out that HIV is a very real threat to us all. I now work with the Illinois Department of Public Health, working with HIV Prevention Education and Care Management through the whole state. I now also represent the youth population for Illinois on the Illinois Prevention Community Planning Group, so that the message is better geared towards youths. I didn’t want what happened to me, doesn’t happen to everyone else.

I now know the real hardships that those infected with HIV face. While the medicines that are available help, they also hurt. They have many side effects, some range from intense lethargy, to acute headaches and nausea. Most of all, they always face the chance of their condition degrading into AIDS (Autoimmune Deficiency Syndrome). The fear of having my friends who are HIV positive develop AIDS is in present in my mind everyday. The first question that is asked by me when I see them is if their health is ok. Through them, and others, I have a completely different understanding of HIV.

Before, I didn’t care as I didn’t have a reason too. Now, I am shocked by my indifference to the situation. I had put myself in a dangerous situation, opening myself up to not only HIV but many other STIs; and I put others in that situation as well, had I been infected. It is my hope that through my work, both now and in the future, that others like me will be properly educated about HIV; so that they may protect themselves and by doing so others from transmission of HIV.