NationStates Jolt Archive

Well if you are you'll never get into Australia thanks to ASIO (http://www.nationalsecurity.gov.au/)'s foolproof questionaire at our airports.

The questionaire goes like this:

Do you have any fruit? Yes/No
Are you a convicted felon? Yes/No
Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? Yes/No
Did you pack your own bags? Yes/No

Ah yes, the honour system is fool proof...

Yea, and at a bridge around here there's a sign that says "No explosives on bridge." But they screwed up, there's no place for the terrorists to exit after they see the sign.

If you ask me the "Felony" question was just thrown in there so it didn't jump from fruit-smuggling to international terrorism.

I wonder if they'd notice if you marked yes, and then scratched it out.

Yea, and at a bridge around here there's a sign that says "No explosives on bridge." But they screwed up, there's no place for the terrorists to exit after they see the sign.
lmao

I shall answer this questionaire as truthfully as possible, just to show how much it works, how very reliable such a system really is.

Do you have any fruit? Yes. In my stomach.
Are you a convicted felon? Not Anymore
Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? It Errorist dam you, Erororist. Big E, no T at the begining!
Did you pack your own bags? What bags? Thats a case!

I shall answer this questionaire as truthfully as possible, just to show how much it works, how very reliable such a system really is.

Do you have any fruit? Yes. In my stomach.
Are you a convicted felon? Not Anymore
Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? It Errorist dam you, Erororist. Big E, no T at the begining!
Did you pack your own bags? What bags? Thats a case!
You're right, Rove's "Honest Face" system works much better. :p

I wonder if they'd notice if you marked yes, and then scratched it out.
Part of me doubts it, but not QUITE enough to try it out.

Besides, kind of a travel for me.....

Simonist']Part of me doubts it, but not QUITE enough to try it out.

Besides, kind of a travel for me.....
Don't worry, despite our lack of a Bill of Rights torture, unessacary detainment and "torture like treatment" is illegal... unles you're a refugee...

I am puzzled by how one can be a member of an unknown terrorist organization. Obviously you have to know about it if you are a member, as do other members. You might not know that it is engaged in terrorism, but you at least have to know that it exists. This is a very silly question.

And what's this question about fruit? Are you not allowed to bring homosexuals into the country or the customs officers want to keep them all for themselves? I might add that "fruit" is not always seen as a polite way to refer to homosexuals.

I wonder if they'd notice if you marked yes, and then scratched it out.
whether or not they noticed it could lead to some fun times

kinda like when a friend of mine was getting there drivers license and they werent paying attention and the guy asked them "have you ever been arrested for drunk driving" 4 times before they stopped saying yes and listened to the question

I am puzzled by how one can be a member of an unknown terrorist organization. Obviously you have to know about it if you are a member, as do other members. You might not know that it is engaged in terrorism, but you at least have to know that it exists. This is a very silly question.

And what's this question about fruit? Are you not allowed to bring homosexuals into the country or the customs officers want to keep them all for themselves? I might add that "fruit" is not always seen as a polite way to refer to homosexuals.
To be techincal it's not illegal to enter Australia if you a terrorist, but the government has not yet delcared your organization a terrorist organzation.

As for our policy on gays, only if you can fit them into your overhead storage.

What if I am a terrorist and marke everything NO is it really foolproof?

DO you have any fruits? No
Are you a convicted felon? No
Are you in association with any terrorist organization? No
Did you pack your own bags? No

what am i then? (dont say dumb person plz. )

My S.O. says that I SHOULD be considered a terrorist in the bathroom, but I keep telling her that's only if I eat too much pork or beans...

What if I am a terrorist and marke everything NO is it really foolproof?

DO you have any fruits? No
Are you a convicted felon? No
Are you in association with any terrorist organization? No
Did you pack your own bags? No

what am i then? (dont say dumb person plz. )
A tactical genius, and clearly a threat.

I say they should target everybody who answers "no" to all questions, just for the well-being of their people.

Or would that be too American of them?

Simonist']A tactical genius, and clearly a threat.

I say they should target everybody who answers "no" to all questions, just for the well-being of their people.

Or would that be too American of them?

Too American LOL.

My S.O. says that I SHOULD be considered a terrorist in the bathroom, but I keep telling her that's only if I eat too much pork or beans...

This makes you an interogation device then i suppose. You can disuade any terrorist from any action for just staying in the bathroom your in for a couple of hours ... cheap way to make them confess or scare the living crap outa them.

This makes you an interogation device then i suppose. You can disuade any terrorist from any action for just staying in the bathroom your in for a couple of hours ... cheap way to make them confess or scare the living crap outa them.

Send me to GitMo! We're wasting time!! :D

(PS: "Scare the living crap outa them"? That's a horrible play on words...)

It might be horrible, but its very visual and direct dont you think? :D

It might be horrible, but its very visual and direct dont you think? :D
*shudder*

* claws at eyes screaming "WHY SWEET JESU?! WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!" *

Yo Rotovia i sent you a TG Dawg!rspec

I am a Terrorist!
Branin my Nemisis is also a Terr.
:mp5: :gundge: :sniper: :mp5: :gundge: :mp5:

Who defines 'known' and who defines 'terrorist' ?

What's next? A sign on prison doors that says "Attetion Inmates: Please No Escaping"?

They did something similar in the Cold War, you know. They had a line for your signature that goes "I decree I am not a member of the Communist Party." I bet a Soviet spy said to this: "Crud! These Capitalist pigs have out-smarted me...for now...But soon, they will forget to put that on a form...AND I WILL BE THERE TO SEIZE THE CHANCE AND DESTROY THE EVIL INDUSTRIALISTS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Yo Rotovia i sent you a TG Dawg!rspec

I am a Terrorist!
Branin my Nemisis is also a Terr.
:mp5: :gundge: :sniper: :mp5: :gundge: :mp5:
You so didn't, stop lying! Seriously, there's no TG from you... unless I just missed a joke... in which case.... egg on me! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeegg

Who defines 'known' and who defines 'terrorist' ?
Me...?

What's next? A sign on prison doors that says "Attetion Inmates: Please No Escaping"?
As I said, the honour system is fool proof...

They did something similar in the Cold War, you know. They had a line for your signature that goes "I decree I am not a member of the Communist Party." I bet a Soviet spy said to this: "Crud! These Capitalist pigs have out-smarted me...for now...But soon, they will forget to put that on a form...AND I WILL BE THERE TO SEIZE THE CHANCE AND DESTROY THE EVIL INDUSTRIALISTS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
and they did... what?

Hah! This is just like ASIO. It's a very Australian spy organisation. ASIO is the sort of spy organisation that lets terrorists into the country on Sundays, because they're having a barbecue and refuse to work.

Did you pack your own bags? No

Presumably a five-year old would be shot by the Australian border police then? :sniper:

Hah! This is just like ASIO. It's a very Australian spy organisation. ASIO is the sort of spy organisation that lets terrorists into the country on Sundays, because they're having a barbecue and refuse to work.
Or me day off...

Presumably a five-year old would be shot by the Australian border police then? :sniper:
Dman straight! The kid had it comming! :mp5:

Well if you are you'll never get into Australia thanks to ASIO (http://www.nationalsecurity.gov.au/)'s foolproof questionaire at our airports.

The questionaire goes like this:

Do you have any fruit? Yes/No
Are you a convicted felon? Yes/No
Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? Yes/No
Did you pack your own bags? Yes/No

Ah yes, the honour system is fool proof...
Bill Bailey does a nice set of jokes on this :)

Me...?

"I'm sorry sir, but at the time I made the judgement that my terrorist orgonisation wasn't in fact that well known"

I am puzzled by how one can be a member of an unknown terrorist organization. Obviously you have to know about it if you are a member, as do other members. You might not know that it is engaged in terrorism, but you at least have to know that it exists. This is a very silly question.

And what's this question about fruit? Are you not allowed to bring homosexuals into the country or the customs officers want to keep them all for themselves? I might add that "fruit" is not always seen as a polite way to refer to homosexuals.

The fruit question is to do with disease control, they're very protective of their little island. It's not as if they got myxamatosis.........

This reminds me of when I ordered my PC from Dell. I had to answer the subtle question "Is this computer going to be used in arms manufacturing?" (or something like that.)

Thats nothing compared to the one I have to fill in when I go to the US

Questions are:
"Have you ever been arrested or convicted for any offense or crime, even
though subject of a pardon, amnesty or other similar legal action? Have you
ever unlawfully distributed or sold a controlled substance(drug), or been a
prostitute or procurer for prostitutes?" (Notice the lack of the word "Or" - ticking yes implies that you admit to ALL of those, even if it was only an unrelated petty felony - or if you were arrested for a minor crime but were later found innocent))

and

"Do you seek to enter the United States to engage in export control
violations, subversive or terrorist activities, or any other unlawful
purpose? Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization as
currently designated by the U.S. Secretary of State? Have you ever
participated in persecutions directed by the Nazi government of Germany; or
have you ever participated in genocide?" (which the Pope would have to tick "yes" to, although I dont imagine he would have too much trouble getting in)

and

Dont have the wording but it basically said "Are you a spy or working in espionage" (You have to be a pretty rubbish spy to fall for this one)

Warning for people tempted to tick these... Immigration departments do not have a sense of humor and will use any oppertunity for entertainment or to be assholes.

Well if you are you'll never get into Australia thanks to ASIO (http://www.nationalsecurity.gov.au/)'s foolproof questionaire at our airports.

The questionaire goes like this:

Do you have any fruit? Yes/No

YES

Are you a convicted felon? Yes/No

Not convicted, NO

Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? Yes/No

Well, I have signed up for SPECTRE, COBRA, AIM, HYDRA and a whole bunch of interesting people. But none of them called back.

Did you pack your own bags? Yes/No

YES, I packed them reaaaaal well, heh heh heh...

Ah yes, the honour system is fool proof...

It's like the Boy Scouts trying to filter out "potential child molesters" ie openly gay men. The real serious threats are going to keep quiet or even lie about it.

Terrorists hate us for our fruit.

Well if you are you'll never get into Australia thanks to ASIO (http://www.nationalsecurity.gov.au/)'s foolproof questionaire at our airports.

The questionaire goes like this:

Do you have any fruit? Yes/No
Are you a convicted felon? Yes/No
Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? Yes/No
Did you pack your own bags? Yes/No

Ah yes, the honour system is fool proof...
the same (terrorist) question is asked on the customs/immigration form for entering the States as well, or at least it was when i went there last in '02.


Bill Bailey does a nice set of jokes on this :)
fumigate the hippie! ahahahaahh!

yes, he does :D

"Do you seek to enter the United States to engage in export control
violations, subversive or terrorist activities, or any other unlawful
purpose? Are you a member or representative of a terrorist organization as
currently designated by the U.S. Secretary of State? Have you ever
participated in persecutions directed by the Nazi government of Germany; or
have you ever participated in genocide?"

How many people do I have to kill before it falls into the genocide category?

So do you still need to be a convicted felon to get into Australia?

You so didn't, stop lying! Seriously, there's no TG from you... unless I just missed a joke... in which case.... egg on me! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeegg
I am a man of many faces and a few bodily appendages.

Well if you are you'll never get into Australia thanks to ASIO (http://www.nationalsecurity.gov.au/)'s foolproof questionaire at our airports.

The questionaire goes like this:

Do you have any fruit? Yes/No
Are you a convicted felon? Yes/No
Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? Yes/No
Did you pack your own bags? Yes/No

Ah yes, the honour system is fool proof...

I don't know, if they're written 'quickly' they might catch someone out.

So do you still need to be a convicted felon to get into Australia?
Naw, they'll still let you in during trial.

They ask you a pretty similar set of questions when you're a foreigner coming into the USA. Apparently back in the late Sixties they used to ask you if you were planning to shoot the president. If only they'd though of that a little earlier...

The form you gotta fill out to get into the US still lists "Were you a member of the nationalsocialist party during WW2" (or similar, don't know it exactly).

If I was, I'd prolly no longer be in the shape to travel. I'd have to be around 80 today.

Well, it's pretty obvious that those questions are rather "dumb". Suuuuure, everyone's gonna check "Yeah, I plan to commit some serious crime" (no kidding, that's another question on the US form). But my guess is that they can't kick you out of the country for committing one.

But they can kick you out for lying on the form. :)

i heard on the radio once that on dell order forms it asked if you planned on using this computer for terrorist activities.

if any terrorist is stupid enough to tick yes then its a waste of time arresting him/her,as they surely arent capable of planning anything of significance

I suppose you could be associated with a terrorist organisation without actually being a terrorist. Maybe Al-Qaeda's secretarial department or the Axis of Evil receptionist.

"Welcome to Al-Qaeda, how may I help you?"
"Yeah, I was wondering if I could contact Dr al-Zawahiri for investigation purposes."
"Please hold the line."
*Elevator music*

hahahaha!

i'd probably answer yes to the first one though, i collect seeds and study plant taxonomy, so going to a place so far away of as austrailia i'd probably be TOO tempted to bring some back...

Ha-ha. If you think that one's bad, the US one is worse! The questions asked if you were entering the country to smuggle illegal goods, if you intended to become a prostitute, or if you were ever a nazi or involved in genocide! As if ANYONE is dumb enough to answer yes to any of those questions!

i heard on the radio once that on dell order forms it asked if you planned on using this computer for terrorist activities.

if any terrorist is stupid enough to tick yes then its a waste of time arresting him/her,as they surely arent capable of planning anything of significance


You have a point!

IBM has a "what if a plane crashes into the plant" plan of action that everyone has to be aware of! I learned this in '99, pre 9/11

I'll never forget this one exchange I had on the Candian Border consisting of 3 questions:

You a US citizen?
yep (I presume he saw my liscense plate)

Where you going?
Sudbury

Got enough money for gas and stuff?
yep


It was the last question, tha threw me, I've always wondered if I had said "no" whether he was gonna keep me out of the country or give me some money. Darn, those easy going days of border crossings are past, now they even want to see ID most times.

I'll never forget this one exchange I had on the Candian Border consisting of 3 questions:

You a US citizen?
yep (I presume he saw my liscense plate)

Where you going?
Sudbury

Got enough money for gas and stuff?
yep


It was the last question, tha threw me, I've always wondered if I had said "no" whether he was gonna keep me out of the country or give me some money. Darn, those easy going days of border crossings are past, now they even want to see ID most times.


When I went for my US visa, I was asked the following three questions:

1) So when were you guys married? (I have a J2, I'm here as a dependent on my husbands J1)

2) And is he over there at the moment?

3) What does he do?

OK, we'll send your passport with visa out in the post tomorrow.

I sat around in Dublin, 100 miles from home for 24 hours for that!

Do Australia have pussies for air port security as well. What I mean by that is that they only search old ladies, kids, or anybody who generally look harmless. If you look mean, big, dangerous, or muslim they let you right thru here.

Do Australia have pussies for air port security as well. What I mean by that is that they only search old ladies, kids, or anybody who generally look harmless. If you look mean, big, dangerous, or muslim they let you right thru here.
Well we have to be carefull not to profile now.

They ask you a pretty similar set of questions when you're a foreigner coming into the USA. Apparently back in the late Sixties they used to ask you if you were planning to shoot the president. If only they'd though of that a little earlier...

maybe we should wish it was later but then again if you did asasinate Bush I am pretty sure you be the ambassador for northern France

Well we have to be carefull not to profile now.

i just think its amazing that I've never been searched, but I see old women get searched, my brother, who's as dangerous as a week old puppy, has been searched twice, my grandmother has been searched, and my father and all my smaller or least dangerous looking friends have all been searched. And I fly more than all of them put together.

I have a friend i work with who is Iranian by birth that flys more than I do who has never been searched either.

This reminds me of when I ordered my PC from Dell. I had to answer the subtle question "Is this computer going to be used in arms manufacturing?" (or something like that.)
My repsonse would have been "Well frankly, yes! I plan to melt the casing down into ammo and claim the damage was caused by your shonky-ass computers for insurance purposes... what? Oh..."

Terrorists hate us for our fruit.
Damn straight, I've never seem Osuma munching on a mangoe over the kitchen sink or slicing up kiwi fruit to decorate a pavlova...

Damn straight, I've never seem Osuma munching on a mangoe over the kitchen sink or slicing up kiwi fruit to decorate a pavlova...
.....Osuma? Is that Osama's health-minded brother or something?

So do you still need to be a convicted felon to get into Australia?
Low blow... looooooooooooooow blow

Simonist'].....Osuma? Is that Osama's health-minded brother or something?
I renamed him. No longer shall he be called Osama bin Laden, but instead Osuma the Tank Engine! :D

So do you still need to be a convicted felon to get into Australia?

Not since 1 January 1901. :D

"Welcome to Al-Qaeda, how may I help you?"
"Yeah, I was wondering if I could contact Dr al-Zawahiri for investigation purposes."
"Please hold the line."
*Elevator music*

That actually explains a lot...

i heard on the radio once that on dell order forms it asked if you planned on using this computer for terrorist activities.

if any terrorist is stupid enough to tick yes then its a waste of time arresting him/her,as they surely arent capable of planning anything of significance
Thats simply not true many people they thought were too dumb to do things have done them.

The way to really annoy immigration people is to put down your birthday as such (post 1945) on the US Immigration form, then tick the box that says you were involved in Nazi War Crimes in the period 1933-45.

Well if you are you'll never get into Australia thanks to ASIO (http://www.nationalsecurity.gov.au/)'s foolproof questionaire at our airports.

The questionaire goes like this:

Do you have any fruit? Yes/No
Are you a convicted felon? Yes/No
Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? Yes/No
Did you pack your own bags? Yes/No

Ah yes, the honour system is fool proof...Well, if they answer yes, they deserve to be arrested...

Well if you are you'll never get into Australia thanks to ASIO's foolproof questionaire at our airports.

The questionaire goes like this:

Do you have any fruit? Yes/No
Are you a convicted felon? Yes/No
Are you or have you ever been associated with a known terroist organization? Yes/No
Did you pack your own bags? Yes/No

Ah yes, the honour system is fool proof...
Damn i went there and they didnt even take the stupid card. :p

The way to really annoy immigration people is to put down your birthday as such (post 1945) on the US Immigration form, then tick the box that says you were involved in Nazi War Crimes in the period 1933-45.

I am German after all... so I am guilty of Nazi Crimes anyway.

Well, I'd never get in, I know I terrorized my parents as a teenager..lol