NationStates Jolt Archive

Don't know if these are real or not, but they're pretty funny:

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
U.S. Marine Corps Training Manual.

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
U.S. Army Ordnance

"WARNING: Five second fuses last three seconds."
Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever, ever volunteer to do anything."
U.S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
David Hackworth

"If your attack seems to be going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
Anonymous U.S. Marine Corps Drill Instructor.

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
USAF Flight Instructor.

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -and therefore, its inherently unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Never trade luck for skill."
Carrier Pilot.

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot).

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
Jon McBride, astronaut.

I've seen pretty much all of this in various magazines and on strategypage.com. It's not necessarily new... (but it is funny :D)

LOL...you have no idea some of the funny things I've seen and heard...

"They'll never hit us from all the way over th..."

"What the fuck, over?" - Anonymous Radio Operator, Vietnam

"Taking friendly fire, returning same with smile." - Unknown Artilleryman, Vietnam

"Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity." - Inscribed on helmet cover, Vietnam

"Psychological Operations: We gum the enemy to death!" - PsyOps Motto, Vietnam

"Ah! Special Forces number one! They eat pussy!" - Vietnamese Bargirl

"Only we can prevent forests." - Motto, Air Force Spray Plane Crew

"Relax! You wouldn't wanna die all tensed up, now would ya?" - Patrol Leader encouragement, Vietnam

"Sorry about that, Charlie." - Common saying upon having wasted Viet Cong

Murphy's Laws of Combat:

Incoming fire has right of way.

Friendly fire isn't

If you are forward of your assigned position, the prelimenary barrage will fall short.

When in doubt, empty your magazine.

Probably hasn't been adopted, but it's only a matter of time before someone spraypaints "pwnage" onto a tank turret, or calls out "all your base are belong to us" to signal mission success.

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-"
{*thud*}

~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864

Sin Loi Victor Charlie?

"What the fuck, over?" - Anonymous Radio Operator, Vietnam

"Taking friendly fire, returning same with smile." - Unknown Artilleryman, Vietnam

"Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity." - Inscribed on helmet cover, Vietnam

"Psychological Operations: We gum the enemy to death!" - PsyOps Motto, Vietnam

"Ah! Special Forces number one! They eat pussy!" - Vietnamese Bargirl

"Only we can prevent forests." - Motto, Air Force Spray Plane Crew

"Relax! You wouldn't wanna die all tensed up, now would ya?" - Patrol Leader encouragement, Vietnam

"Sorry about that, Charlie." - Common saying upon having wasted Viet Cong

213 things Specialist Skippy can't do in the Army. (http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html)

213 things Specialist Skippy can't do in the Army. (http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html)

*LMSAOPIMP*

Here you have some military jokes. Enjoy. :)
____________________

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
____________________

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were
clear; no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the
windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.

The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have
orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on."

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new
at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
____________________

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
____________________

A Platoon Sergeant and his Platoon Leader are bunking down in the field for
the night. The Platoon Sergeant looks up and says, "When you see all the
stars in the sky, what do you think, sir?"

The LT replies, "Well, I think of how insignificant we really are in the
universe; how small a piece of such a grand design. I can't help but wonder
if what we do truly means anything or makes any difference. Why? What do
you think of, Sergeant?"

"I think somebody stole the damn tent."
____________________

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
____________________

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
____________________

The value of an Officer VS a NCO

A 2LT was walking home from work one day, when he noticed a little boy sitting on the sidewalk.
The little boy was playing with a pile of shit. Curious, the 2LT walked over to the little boy and asked him "Why are you playing with a pile of shit?" The little boy replied "I'm building an NCO". The 2LT, amused by this, ran back to the company to get his captain. Upon returning to the little boy, who was still playing with the pile of shit, the Captain asked "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy looked up at him and said " I'm building an NCO". The captain being equally amused insisted that they return and get the 1SG. When the three returned the little boy, still playing with his pile of shit, was asked by the 1SG "Son, what are you doing?" The little boy again replied "I'm building and NCO". "Why are you building an NCO?" asked the 1SG. The little boy paused and responded "Because I don't have enough shit to build an officer"
____________________

Never mess with a Ranger...

A battalion of marines was on a beach doing a PT workout when the CO of the battalion looked up and saw a lone army ranger standing at attention at the top of a hill.
The CO was curious so he sent a marine up to see what was going on.
As the marine approached the ranger sprinted into the woods, and the marine followed.
Yelling and screaming could be heard coming from the woods, seconds later the Ranger stepped out and stood back at attention.
The CO was still curious so he sent a squad up to investigate.
The ranger ran into the woods and after some yelling and screaming, came back out and stood at attention again.
Now the CO was angry so he sent an entire Platoon up to the top of the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods.
He emerged moments later after sime more yelling and screaming with no sign of the marines anywhere.
The CO had had enough, he sent the entire battalion of marines charging up the hill.
The ranger ran into the woods. More yelling and screaming and this time some gunfire.
Finally a terribly wounded marine crawled out of the woods and reported back to the CO.
The CO inquired "Do you mean to tell me that one army ranger destroyed an entire battalion of marines"
The marine replied "no sir, it was a trick, there were two of them"
____________________

Never mess with a Marine!

An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his scouts come running back and say
"Sir, there's a Marine standing in the way of the road".
The Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and remove the Marine.
They approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small ridge
on the side of the road and motions for them to follow.
As the rest of the platoon advances and takes cover they hear yelling and screaming.
The Marine emerges a couple minutes later and dusts himself off
and again stands in the middle of the road.
The Lt. curses and calls for a squad to remove the Devil Dog.
He again heads down to s small ridge and they follow.
Once again there is blood-curdling screaming and weeping.
And AGAIN the Marine emerges and dusts himself off.
Bewildered and pissed off, the Lt. sends all but his platoon Sgt. down and says
"Eliminate the motherfu**er". They run towards him and again follow him to the ridge.
The screaming begins again and suddenly a specialist comes running up,
bloody, his cammies all mangled. The Lt. is in shock and says
"What the hell is going on out there soldier?"
Gasping for breath the soldier replies,
"Its a trick sir!! There's two of em."
____________________

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman.
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,
you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied.
"Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
____________________

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop.
They were both just getting finished with their shaves,
when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted,
"Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said,
"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
____________________

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
____________________

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field
and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120
minutes to "Happy Hour."
____________________

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was
sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone,
told the airman to enter, then said into the phone,
"Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message.
In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man,
he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
____________________

PS: 100th post! Yay! :D

213 things Specialist Skippy can't do in the Army. (http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html)
Appropos of nothing, I run a StarGate RPG, and Hammond printed this up and handed it out to the team my group plays and told them to 'consider each of these a direct order.' As you might guess, SG 21 is a bit of a pain in the chain of commands arse.

Me: The natives look terrified.
Anon team member: Of course they're terrified, we have no idea what we're doing!

It is good that war is so terrible, lest we grow too fond of it.
-General Robert E. Lee, Army of Northern Virginia, Commanding

"We're not retreating, we're advancing!...The other way!"

- Kinda from Red Vs. Blue, I added my own bit.

Sin Loi Victor Charlie?
LOL!

Doom mimi, deem m'nomi, fu chiami, chulong! :D

Probably hasn't been adopted, but it's only a matter of time before someone spraypaints "pwnage" onto a tank turret, or calls out "all your base are belong to us" to signal mission success.
ROFLMAO! I'm going to recommend that to some of my bros over there! :D

"We're not retreating, we're advancing!...The other way!"

- Kinda from Red Vs. Blue, I added my own bit.
the real quote is We're not retreating, we're attacking in reverse.

it was said by the commander of the marine division that was surrounded and cut off during the beginning of the Korean war. they had to fight their way all the way to the tip of the peninsula, and wer under constant attack the entire way.

213 things Specialist Skippy can't do in the Army. (http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html)
77. The MP checkpoint is not an Imperial Stormtrooper roadblock, so I should not tell them "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."

ROFLMFAO!!!!!!

Toward Enemy; on front of claymore mine

to add to the other list, do not go to the chow hall and ask for bacon grease to dip your ammo into.

Toward Enemy; on front of claymore mine

to add to the other list, do not go to the chow hall and ask for bacon grease to dip your ammo into.
I like this one too: 210. Must not make T-shirts up depicting a pig with the writing "Eat Pork or Die" in Arabic to bring as civilian attire when preparing to deploy to a primarily Muslim country.

ROFLMAO!!!

This is an extract of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.

Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"

LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

End of the interview

"Hey Shithead! Don't FUCK with the OBVIOUS!" - Motto regarding Vietcong boobie traps, painted on sign in an army base

This is an extract of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald about sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.

Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young boys on their adventure holiday?"

LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

End of the interview
ROFLMFAO!!!!!!