NationStates Jolt Archive

I'm creating this thread to remember the great Mitch Hedberg, comedian extraorinaire. This link is to many of his great quotes:

http://www.thedotdotdot.com/humor/hedberg.html#quotes

This one is to his official homepage:

http://www.mitchhedberg.net/

I think Mitch Hedberg was one of the funniest people alive. A great two line artist. Unfortunately, I only had the pleasure to see him once.

Please feel free to put any of you favorite quotes.

Here are a few of mine.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared.

I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "excuse me" he said "get the hell out of my way," so I said "Go to hell," and I ran away. He caught up to me, he had on a hat, a nose ring, an eybrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3-earings. He said "Hey man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey man, you have a lot of... cranium accessories." (crowd laughs) You guys are a smart crowd, when I do the dumber crowds, I have to say "Hey man, you have a lot of shit on your head!"

Here's another one I forgot about:

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. "

I saw him in Portland a few months before he died. During his set, there was some wasted kid in the crowd who kept on shouting for Stephen Lynch, who'd opened for Mitch. Eventualy, Mitch had the kid come up on stage with him. Mitch started talking to him:

"Hey, dude, do you like Steve Lynch?"

"Yeah, that guy is like wicked funny!!!"

"Do you want to meet him?"

"Holy shit, are you serious?"

"Yeah." points to stairs "Just go up those stairs and through that door, and he's right back there."

"Holy shit, that's awesome! Thanks!"

(kid goes running up stairs and through door)

(door slams shut)

"That fucker just went outside."

I saw him in Portland a few months before he died. During his set, there was some wasted kid in the crowd who kept on shouting for Stephen Lynch, who'd opened for Mitch. Eventualy, Mitch had the kid come up on stage with him. Mitch started talking to him:

"Hey, dude, do you like Steve Lynch?"

"Yeah, that guy is like wicked funny!!!"

"Do you want to meet him?"

"Holy shit, are you serious?"

"Yeah." points to stairs "Just go up those stairs and through that door, and he's right back there."

"Holy shit, that's awesome! Thanks!"

(kid goes running up stairs and through door)

(door slams shut)

"That fucker just went outside."

that's badass.

that's badass.

Yeah, it was pretty brilliant.

He's definately an individual where you sit and wonder how exactly his brain works.

I thought he was hilarious. It has been soo long since there was a really funny standup comedian. I really liked his race car passenger thing I can't remember how it goes though. :(

I thought he was hilarious. It has been soo long since there was a really funny standup comedian. I really liked his race car passenger thing I can't remember how it goes though. :(

This one's for you man:

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

More Mitch quotes, probably a bunch of overlaps:

http://hometown.aol.com/valleygirl1983/mitch.html

This one's for you man:

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."
thanks.

All the college students should love this one.

"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."

Ugh, I remember the day I he died, April Fools Day. But it wasn't a joke.

I saw him one time, in April, 2004. He was at the University of Rhode Island, and me and my 2 friends climbed in a window to get in(sorry Mitch. But don't worry, you sold all of the tickets!). I've never laughed so hard in my life.

My favorite Mitchism:

I mumble a lot offstage, I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend and I say something, he won’t hear me. He’ll say, "What?" So I’ll say it again, but once again he doesn’t hear me, so he says, "What?" But really it’s just some insignificant shit that I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, "THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY!"

"2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created."