Neo Kervoskia
20-08-2005, 16:51
Insomnia
by
J.
I couldn't sleep. I hadn't been able to sleep in the past four days, I didn't know why. I wasn't dead, though that would be welcome, but I didn't feel alive. It was as if I was in my own world. Time was largely irrelevant to me, when have seen both day and night consciously, they become only concepts. Day transforms into night which gives birth to a new day. Rarely does someone witness he cycle and that's why people think night and day are two completely different ideas, but once you have seen the cycle as I have, there is no separation. Th entities are one and the same, once you've seen it there is only reality. I don't mean a reflection of reality either. Day, night, time, and all of that are only reflections of reality. It is a futile attempt by man to understand the very real nature and state of the world. Most people thought they could differentiate between reality and the dream-like state that ,prior to four days ago, I had accepted. People tried to rationalize the world. People tried to see, but in their desire to see what is actually there, they have instead misconstrued the truth. What I had seen for years was just a watered down version of the world, it was the same version that my mother had conditioned me to accept and to interact accordingly. I could now see through the lies. I was the only person who could see, I mean really see; everyone else was a drown who thought as they were told and did not question. People fear the truth. The old cliche' about the truth will set you free isn't just rubbish that some optimistic schmuck came up with.
It is a fact, and I am living proof. I have freed myself and have thrown my chains on the ground. So, I guess insomnia isn't as bad as the sheep said it is?
Sheep. That's what they are, that's what they all are! I am alone in the world and I decided that is the way it should stay. I will share my freedom with no one. They will only take it from me and imprison me again. There is no day, there is no night, there is no time, there is only reality. In all it's glory that is what I was really staring at, reality. I was seeing into the very essence of creation and I was able to see it in all its glory. My eyes began to widen in the darkness. Wider and wider until tears started to fill them. I looked up once more. I raised my arm to try to touch it, higher and higher until I thought I would rip my arm right out of its socket. I lowered them until they were at my sides. I continued to stare. The dark became darker and deeper. I could see more and more, people would say that I was defying reality. But that was only theirs, this was my reality. The only reality, and I was not going to adhere to any other.
I took another look at the clock, it was two o'clock. I stopped staring at the ceiling and turned over on my side. I began to stare at the clock. The room of was silent except for the sound of the clock. The hands made a cracking sound. It seemed to grow louder until it was so loud that I couldn't even hear myself breathing. It became suffocating, it was everywhere. It amplified in my mind and drowned out my thoughts. It was painful, I rolled over and then I did it again. I put my hands over my ears, but it didn't help. I couldn't stand it any longer so I picked up the clock and hurled it into the opposite wall. It shattered like glass into a thousand pieces.
There was a sound on the other side of the bed, It was Laura, I had awakened her. She jumped up suddenly and let out a short scream. I turned to her and she looked at me and said, "What the hell was that?"
She had no idea of the pain it had brought me and I knew she wouldn't understand the truth but I told her anyway, "I threw the clock at the wall." I awaited her response.
"Why did you do that?", she remarked rather snidely.
"It was bothering me, that's all."
"Bothering you? How may I ask was it bothering you?"
"It gave me a headache." After that response she gave me a weird look. It was of cruel curiosity and it was tormenting. I tried to turn away but I couldn't escape it. It was menacing.
She continued to look at me for what seemed like several minutes until she finally responded," I don't give a shit what it did to you, you scared the hell out of me?"
"I'm sorry."I really wasn't, but I wanted to go back to reality instead of listening to her harass me for curing my infliction.
She looked quite agitated and said, "Just clean the fucking mess up and come back to bed." After that brief exchange of words I went downstairs to the kitchen to get the broom and dustpan.
Everything seemed lucid, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything else but returning to my reality and contemplate some more. Everything else was beneath me My mind was everywhere and I kept thinking, but it wasn't the same pure thought that I had enjoyed only moments earlier. No, this was haunting. I tried to collect my thoughts and be coherent, but I remained scattered. It was a growing spectre and I could not vanquish it. I fell down on the flow and held my head. I moved back and forth trying to shake myself out of this nightmare and return to my paradise. The thing that I could think of was Laura and how she had no pity for me in my time of suffering. All of those years that i lived with her, thinking that she cared for me. Now I realised that she only cared about one thing, her fantasy. She was just another soul trapped inside of it and she lived for it, she breathed it.
Everyone was against me, especially her. She wanted my dream all for herself, she wanted my freedom. Well, I wouldn't stand for that! I knew that I must take action now if I wish to remain free of the slavery. I had to end it. I stood up and went quickly to the nearest kitchen drawer. I took from it a large knife and gazed at the blade. It was magnificent. It would be the instrument of my salvation. I dashed back upstairs. When I reached the bedroom door I stopped. I looked inside at Laura. There she was, sleeping. She was wasting her life away sleeping, and anyone who wastes their life doesn't deserve it. The way I viewed it, I was delivering justice. Hell, who else could? I was the only one who knew the truth, who had seen it with my own eyes. Anyone else would have dismissed it as insanity.
I slowly crept in the bedroom and made my way towards Laura. She was on her side. There was my betrayer. I bent down and looked her right in the face. Suddenly, she opened her eyes. I then took the knife and jammed it into her right eye and quickly pulled it out. She immediately sprang out of bed and began to try to get out, all the while screaming. She held her hand to her eye to try to examine her wound. She drew back her hand and looked at it. It was covered in thick red blood, the same blood that now covered an entire side of her face. This was me at my most passionate. She let out another scream. I jumped at her and pushed the knife into her breast. She was still screaming as I slowly plunged it into he and staring at the blade. Blood trickled down and spilled onto the floor. I moved the blade of the knife around and around inside of her chest and as I did that she began to fall onto the floor. I pulled out the knife and delivered another blow, this time into her left eye. She tried to pull her self up, but I restrained her. I stabbed her once more in the chest. I did it again and again and again. To my surprise she was still alive. I put the blade on her throat then slid it around her neck. A burst of blood splattered onto my face. A badge of victory no less. After this deed was done I stood up and wiped the blood off my face on my shirt and then went into the bathroom to wash my hands. I looked in the mirror and stared.
Then I woke up.
by
J.
I couldn't sleep. I hadn't been able to sleep in the past four days, I didn't know why. I wasn't dead, though that would be welcome, but I didn't feel alive. It was as if I was in my own world. Time was largely irrelevant to me, when have seen both day and night consciously, they become only concepts. Day transforms into night which gives birth to a new day. Rarely does someone witness he cycle and that's why people think night and day are two completely different ideas, but once you have seen the cycle as I have, there is no separation. Th entities are one and the same, once you've seen it there is only reality. I don't mean a reflection of reality either. Day, night, time, and all of that are only reflections of reality. It is a futile attempt by man to understand the very real nature and state of the world. Most people thought they could differentiate between reality and the dream-like state that ,prior to four days ago, I had accepted. People tried to rationalize the world. People tried to see, but in their desire to see what is actually there, they have instead misconstrued the truth. What I had seen for years was just a watered down version of the world, it was the same version that my mother had conditioned me to accept and to interact accordingly. I could now see through the lies. I was the only person who could see, I mean really see; everyone else was a drown who thought as they were told and did not question. People fear the truth. The old cliche' about the truth will set you free isn't just rubbish that some optimistic schmuck came up with.
It is a fact, and I am living proof. I have freed myself and have thrown my chains on the ground. So, I guess insomnia isn't as bad as the sheep said it is?
Sheep. That's what they are, that's what they all are! I am alone in the world and I decided that is the way it should stay. I will share my freedom with no one. They will only take it from me and imprison me again. There is no day, there is no night, there is no time, there is only reality. In all it's glory that is what I was really staring at, reality. I was seeing into the very essence of creation and I was able to see it in all its glory. My eyes began to widen in the darkness. Wider and wider until tears started to fill them. I looked up once more. I raised my arm to try to touch it, higher and higher until I thought I would rip my arm right out of its socket. I lowered them until they were at my sides. I continued to stare. The dark became darker and deeper. I could see more and more, people would say that I was defying reality. But that was only theirs, this was my reality. The only reality, and I was not going to adhere to any other.
I took another look at the clock, it was two o'clock. I stopped staring at the ceiling and turned over on my side. I began to stare at the clock. The room of was silent except for the sound of the clock. The hands made a cracking sound. It seemed to grow louder until it was so loud that I couldn't even hear myself breathing. It became suffocating, it was everywhere. It amplified in my mind and drowned out my thoughts. It was painful, I rolled over and then I did it again. I put my hands over my ears, but it didn't help. I couldn't stand it any longer so I picked up the clock and hurled it into the opposite wall. It shattered like glass into a thousand pieces.
There was a sound on the other side of the bed, It was Laura, I had awakened her. She jumped up suddenly and let out a short scream. I turned to her and she looked at me and said, "What the hell was that?"
She had no idea of the pain it had brought me and I knew she wouldn't understand the truth but I told her anyway, "I threw the clock at the wall." I awaited her response.
"Why did you do that?", she remarked rather snidely.
"It was bothering me, that's all."
"Bothering you? How may I ask was it bothering you?"
"It gave me a headache." After that response she gave me a weird look. It was of cruel curiosity and it was tormenting. I tried to turn away but I couldn't escape it. It was menacing.
She continued to look at me for what seemed like several minutes until she finally responded," I don't give a shit what it did to you, you scared the hell out of me?"
"I'm sorry."I really wasn't, but I wanted to go back to reality instead of listening to her harass me for curing my infliction.
She looked quite agitated and said, "Just clean the fucking mess up and come back to bed." After that brief exchange of words I went downstairs to the kitchen to get the broom and dustpan.
Everything seemed lucid, but I didn't care. I didn't care about anything else but returning to my reality and contemplate some more. Everything else was beneath me My mind was everywhere and I kept thinking, but it wasn't the same pure thought that I had enjoyed only moments earlier. No, this was haunting. I tried to collect my thoughts and be coherent, but I remained scattered. It was a growing spectre and I could not vanquish it. I fell down on the flow and held my head. I moved back and forth trying to shake myself out of this nightmare and return to my paradise. The thing that I could think of was Laura and how she had no pity for me in my time of suffering. All of those years that i lived with her, thinking that she cared for me. Now I realised that she only cared about one thing, her fantasy. She was just another soul trapped inside of it and she lived for it, she breathed it.
Everyone was against me, especially her. She wanted my dream all for herself, she wanted my freedom. Well, I wouldn't stand for that! I knew that I must take action now if I wish to remain free of the slavery. I had to end it. I stood up and went quickly to the nearest kitchen drawer. I took from it a large knife and gazed at the blade. It was magnificent. It would be the instrument of my salvation. I dashed back upstairs. When I reached the bedroom door I stopped. I looked inside at Laura. There she was, sleeping. She was wasting her life away sleeping, and anyone who wastes their life doesn't deserve it. The way I viewed it, I was delivering justice. Hell, who else could? I was the only one who knew the truth, who had seen it with my own eyes. Anyone else would have dismissed it as insanity.
I slowly crept in the bedroom and made my way towards Laura. She was on her side. There was my betrayer. I bent down and looked her right in the face. Suddenly, she opened her eyes. I then took the knife and jammed it into her right eye and quickly pulled it out. She immediately sprang out of bed and began to try to get out, all the while screaming. She held her hand to her eye to try to examine her wound. She drew back her hand and looked at it. It was covered in thick red blood, the same blood that now covered an entire side of her face. This was me at my most passionate. She let out another scream. I jumped at her and pushed the knife into her breast. She was still screaming as I slowly plunged it into he and staring at the blade. Blood trickled down and spilled onto the floor. I moved the blade of the knife around and around inside of her chest and as I did that she began to fall onto the floor. I pulled out the knife and delivered another blow, this time into her left eye. She tried to pull her self up, but I restrained her. I stabbed her once more in the chest. I did it again and again and again. To my surprise she was still alive. I put the blade on her throat then slid it around her neck. A burst of blood splattered onto my face. A badge of victory no less. After this deed was done I stood up and wiped the blood off my face on my shirt and then went into the bathroom to wash my hands. I looked in the mirror and stared.
Then I woke up.