NationStates Jolt Archive


How to make a pigs breakfast out of my lunch.

Jordaxia
11-08-2005, 19:57
This is just about embarassing enough for me to have to tell the internet. Thus it is done.

I rarely ever cook. it's pathetic but true, that I go weeks without preparing myself anything more substantial than a microwaved meal or a sandwich, mainly because I live with my parents still, and there's usually enough light snacking. However, I've been at a friends these last few days, and they work til late, so I am forced to provide for myself. I shall regale you with the tale, of the bacon and sausage sandwich.

The omens I had gathered from the sacrificial chicken were poor. The first chicken would not eat the grain provided, so sensing that it was not hungry, I drowned it beneath the tap to quench its thirst instead. (Go go roman admirals!) Deciding that this misfortune would not curse the voyage ahead, I discarded it into the bin, and removed the sausages and bacon from their countainers, hidden from the jealous eyes of Loki, god of trickery. (and another go go for mixing the pantheons)

It was at this point when the omens began to take effect. Nature made an urgent call and I answered, leaving the bacon and sausage Visible and exposed to the elements. When I had returned, all was quiet. Too quiet. Nevertheless, I ignored the gnawing feeling of unease in my stomach and proceeded to fry the meat products of pig and cow. As they began to simmer in the pan, their odours beginning to pervade the kitchen, I started in shock. I had not yet buttered the bread! Snatching the loaf, I emptied two slices onto a plate, and covered them with the golden butter that is so precious to me. By now the frying of the foods had reached a great and terrible crescendo, but in my next mistake, I ignored it. Matters had gone from bad to worse. In the moment I finish buttering the bread, a second revelation! I had not even readied my hot chocolate. How can I eat without a drink to complement? I cannot do any such thing more than I can breathe water. As I made my drink ready for.... drinking, I returned my attention to the frying foods. Examining them, and turning them over, I realised to my abject horror that they had been left on for two long! Grasping the mighty implements of spoon and fork, I turned them in their sizzling prison and let them simmer on, exposing the burning flesh of the underside to my disdaining gaze.

The trials were not over yet, however. As I reached for a spoon to stir my hot chocolate, my trouser leg was ensnared by the groping hand of a cupboard, and with a thunderous rip, the leg torn,a vast gash of which the likes had never been seen. My undergarments now exposed to my fat spitting audience, whose crackles sounded like the very voice of mockery itself, I steeled myself to the task. No more disasters would I allow upon my work.

It was not to be, however. Distracted by that handle, my food once again was becoming dangerously overcooked. The burning was branding my food with the mark of failure. Rescuing them from the pan, I gazed at the damage my desire for a sandwich had inflicted. One pair of trousers ruined, and the foul smelling smoke of charred bacon and sausage filling the room and clouding my vision.


So that was my embarassing culinary tale. Now I must know yours.... either that or you can get cheap laughs at how I was bested by deceased animals.
Naturality
12-08-2005, 04:17
Lol, you'll get the hang of it soon :) The worst cooking experience I've had so far was when this old Toaster Oven melted down into the counter by its legs. It was a dangerous appliance, I got rid of it after that.
THE LOST PLANET
12-08-2005, 04:49
Lol, you'll get the hang of it soon :) The worst cooking experience I've had so far was when this old Toaster Oven melted down into the counter by its legs. It was a dangerous appliance, I got rid of it after that.Rookie....I once set the kitchen on fire toasting pop tarts....
Ravenclaws
12-08-2005, 04:57
That's the reason I don't cook. Far too likely to completely fuck up anything harder than "microwave for x minutes on High".
H N Fiddlebottoms VIII
12-08-2005, 05:03
My cooking capacity is limited to sticking it in a pan with some vegetable oil, and hoping that it doesn't kill me.

Oh yeah, I can also boil water (http://www.dullmen.com/recipes.htm#How%20to%20Boil%20Water).
Lord-General Drache
12-08-2005, 05:10
I know someone who claimed to have managed to set water on fire. I'm a bit skeptical of that one.

I've found out you CAN burn tomato sauce. I sorta neglected it for a very, very long time, and made the mistake of entrusting my sister to tell me to check on it in 10 minutes.

I've carbonized popcorn...oh, that was bad.
NERVUN
12-08-2005, 05:20
The Tale of a Turkey Cooked By Two of Them

I had promised to provide physical labor to a much loved aunt, as she was preparing to depart to a strange and far away land whose name caused grown men to shudder in fright and women to turn pale and faint; Sacramento, California, that cursed land that that haunts all of our darkest dreams.

Anyway.

After spending many an hour toiling to load or move various objects, and loading down my trusty red steed, a Bronco II, we at last came to the time of parting. My aunt desired to present me with one last gift by way of cleaning out her fridge, and gave me a frozen 10lbs turkey.

Joyfully I returned to the student townhouse I shared with my best friend and other roommates and decided to make a Thanksgiving dinner, in July. Now the cooking of turkeys had always been left to the most wise and knowledgeable of my family, my aunts, mother, and grandmother, who knew the mysterious ways of this tricky bird and somehow managed to deliver year after year a golden feast to the table already groaning with the foods that went with a turkey.

While I didn't plan a feast quite that grand, I desired knowledge of how this feat could be accomplished to enjoy a turkey dinner and have all of the skin of that fowl to be my own for my own consumption.

But, very jealous were they of their knowledge, and quick were they to arm themselves with brooms and chase me from the kitchen when I asked... for more turkey skin. So I had never seen one really cooked.

However, my mother proved bribable with the promise to fix her computer and we started a long conversation about the preparation of turkey.

The day drew on and the turkey was done, golden and wonderful, and ready for consumption by my friend and roommates who had been hovering around the kitchen space all day long. However, as all who has eaten turkey knows, one MUST have gravy for the bird's meat.

My mother had left her home, no doubt setting this trap deliberately for her only son. My friend's female relatives had also departed and so it was left to two college students, one a MS in Chemical Engineering, and one a MS in Education to attempt to make turkey gravy.

I remembered it having to do with the drippings of the turkey, carefully collected and placed into a sauce pan. He brought forth a vague memory of flour being added in and stirred over heat.

That which we did, which led to very greasy, lumpy balls of flour paste for the gravy.

The moral of the story, leave the cooking of turkeys to the wise women who know how the hell to make gravy.
Daistallia 2104
12-08-2005, 06:30
Late Night Cooking With Uncle Dai:
Ume-Boshi Fried Rice: A Tale of Beer, Bentos, and Pickled Plums, or How Making a Disgusting Mess Taught Me Why Cooking Under the Influance is a BAD Idea

To start off I need to explain two things. First, "bento" is a Japanese style boxed lunch, usually containing rice, a few pickled vegetables, and a few little side dishes of fish, meat, or veggies. It's usually packed in a shallow plastic box and taken to work or school. Second, ume-boshi are very salty and sour Japanese pickled ume (often translated as plum, but more correctly in the apricot family). Occassionally, a sort of sauce made from mashed ume-boshi is used as a condiment for grilled meats, especially a certain type of yakitori I am very fond of.

With that out of the way, on to the story. It was about 10 years ago. After a night out on the town, I stumbled home, seriously impaired in judgement. Being hungry, I stopped in at the local late night supermarket/convenience story. I grabbed an assortment of stuff that looked good, and on my way to the register, I noticed a small jar of the ume-boshi sauce I mentioned above and added it to my selection.

When I got home. I made myself a nice grilled cheese sandwich. Then I looked in the fridge and noticed I had all the makings for fried rice. Plus I had the still unused ume-boshi sauce. Being judgementally impaired, I decided that the ume-boshi sauce would make a great fried rice. Fortunately I was no longer hungry, but I did have a bento box. So I decided to cook up a bento for work the next day. Using the entire jar, I cooked up the fried rice, put it in the fridge, and went to bed.

I didn't realise what a complete mess it was until lunch time.
Jordaxia
12-08-2005, 17:11
I love the stories! Least I'm not the only person in the entire world who's so catastrophically incapable of cooking anything that requires effort.

A bump for the dayside times though....
Angry Fruit Salad
12-08-2005, 17:17
One year, the drunks down the street launched a burning turkey into a pine tree on Thanksgiving day...they were deep-frying it, and it kinda blew up..lol
Patra Caesar
12-08-2005, 17:22
I work in a kitchen and I've never had a serious disaster while cooking. My brother meanwhile, was deep frying some chips one day and allowed the oil to get too hot. Rather than turning off the fan and the stove he grabbed a bucket of water and threw it on the alight pot of chips. Those of you who have seen water thrown on an oil fire will know what happened next, needless to say the whole kitchen had to be replaced.
Jordaxia
12-08-2005, 17:30
waaa!

was he alright?
Patra Caesar
13-08-2005, 15:15
waaa!

was he alright?

He lost some hair, he was fine until our parents got home. $20 000 in damage.