NationStates Jolt Archive

...Or, for the gents, would you be happy for your wife/partner/girlfriend to be one? Would either sex be happy to 'use' a surrogate themselves?

I don't want any children of my own - never have - but my best friend loves them. However, he's gay. He said he'd certainly consider adoption, but asked me once would I be willing to act as a surrogate for him. Even though the question was posed some time ago, I still haven't decided what I would do if there were ever to be a realistic chance of it happening.

On the one hand, my rational mind tells me that pregnancy is not always a good experience, labour presumably never is and that it could be an issue in furthering my career.

My more emotional side, however, argues that it would be probably the ultimate thing I could do for my friend (well, besides laying down my life, I suppose) - it is something that would presumably make he and his partner very happy and I, in return, would be glad to have made him so happy.

On the whole, I think the rational (and admittedly somewhat selfish) side wins, but I'm not quite sure how I would react if he actually asked me to do it seriously.

What do you folks think?

i wouldnt do it.

dont ever underestimate your attachment to a baby you grew inside yourself. you might be able to trick yourself into not caring but i wouldnt bet on it. a baby isnt a commodity to be produced then given away without a backward glance. ask any woman who gave her baby up for adoption. its heart wrenching.

your friend is in the position of not being able to make his own baby. he may or may not be able to adopt. in many places its just not allowed. that puts him in a position where its impossible for him to ever be a father. i can see why it tugs on your heartstrings.

let me give you a "nightmare scenario".

there was a case in the past couple of years where a woman who had made an informal sperm donation arrangement with a friend of hers fell on hard times. the state made her name "the father" and he was forced to pay child support regardless of the arrangement he and the mother had originally made (and against the will of the mother since she was on welfare at the time)

what if YOU were forced to pay child support? what if (god forbid) your friend died and his partner wasnt allowed to adopt the baby? would the child come back to YOU? would it be cruelly adopted away from the only parent s/he ever knew?

its too much for him to ask of you and you should tell him NOW that you could never do it rather than hoping he'll never bring it up.

I don't know........ really

I would not mind my partner being a surrogate mother, nor would I mind 'using' a surrogate mother. I imagine it would be one mighty hard pill to swallow, but I reckon the joy you can bring to another person or yourself by bringing children into the world is worth it. Ah well. Maybe I'm not yet 'qualified' to talk about these things, but this is my opinion, and I don't see it changing anytime soon. When you think about it, all you're doing is providing a 'temporary home' to an unborn child; it still is your child.

You missed an option for us males... theoretically, an embryo can successfully implant and develop inside the abdomenal cavity of a male. I guess giving birth would have to be c-section, tho. :)

*snip*All good points. I really dislike children, with a passion that is only matched by my dislike for violent criminals, but I am aware of the unfortunate effects of hormones. In the event that I were to do it, I really would have it taken away at birth - before I even saw it, never mind held it. Even, then, though I am aware that there are no guarantees as to how I might feel about it. I would imagine, right here and now, that I'd be apathetic, but one never knows until one is in the situation.

I hadn't given an awful lot of thought of the legal or financial implications of such a situation - I guess that shows that it really wouldn't be a good idea for me to do it! Thanks for pointing that out.

For me, it is a mostly hypothetical question, and my main motivation for this thread was to garner other people's opinions on the issue. I doubt that my friend would ever actually ask me seriously, and if he did, we're talking ages in the future (when presumably I'd be at a stage in my career and personal life where I'd be able to be much more decisive). But of course it's not beyond the realms of imagination that he'd ask, and to that end it's much better to be informed before the event.

As I said, I think my rational side wins anyway and I'd be very unlikely to do it if it ever came to the bit. But, to be fair, there are cases of happy surrogacies. Whether or not I'd do it myself, I do support the right of those who wish to avail of it to be able to do so.

why can't we just stick to normal adoption of needy kids? not ones that are boughten and "personalized"

I'm an unmarried man who isn't into kids, so I'll start with a disclaimer that I don't 'get it' and am talking out of my arse.

Having said that, I wouldn't want any part of it from either side. I mean, if things are at the 'surrogate mother' point then why not adopt?

You missed an option for us males... theoretically, an embryo can successfully implant and develop inside the abdomenal cavity of a male. I guess giving birth would have to be c-section, tho. :)
Holy Shit... I thought you were joking.
http://www.malepregnancy.com/mingwei/
but thank you Snopes -
http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/malepreg.htm

You missed an option for us males... theoretically, an embryo can successfully implant and develop inside the abdomenal cavity of a male. I guess giving birth would have to be c-section, tho. :)Well, yes, but at least you'd get to experience the trauma (and whatever good parts there are) of pregnancy, if not the trauma birth ;)

I'm an unmarried man who isn't into kids, so I'll start with a disclaimer that I don't 'get it' and am talking out of my arse.

Having said that, I wouldn't want any part of it from either side. I mean, if things are at the 'surrogate mother' point then why not adopt?It is my understanding that when a surrogate mother carries the baby, either her egg is fertilized by the sperm of the male wishing to have the child or another donor's eggs are fertilized by the same man. Thus, the child is biolgically that of half the couple. I don't see what the big deal about having your own biological kid is, personally - if you want a child so badly, surely any child is acceptable - but there are some out there who do.

It is my understanding that when a surrogate mother carries the baby, either her egg is fertilized by the sperm of the male wishing to have the child or another donor's eggs are fertilized by the same man. Thus, the child is biolgically that of half the couple. I don't see what the big deal about having your own biological kid is, personally - if you want a child so badly, surely any child is acceptable - but there are some out there who do.

Yeah, I know what surrogate mothers are... I was more implying that my attitude means I don't get the whole maternal/paternal 'I must have kids right now and they must be mine!', way of thinking. ;)

I'm quite lucky to have been brought up to treat all the children in my group as if they were my responsibility as well (for example the children of friends/relatives)

this means that everyone has the advantages of children while some of the disadvantages are mitigated

You missed an option for us males... theoretically, an embryo can successfully implant and develop inside the abdomenal cavity of a male. I guess giving birth would have to be c-section, tho. :)

:eek: That's actually rather horrifying. :eek:

Logically I know it's something I shouldn't mind, but an irrational voice in the back of my head is screaming "no" as loud as it can. So... I answered no in lieu of not having a counterargument for my head.

Yeah, I know what surrogate mothers are... I was more implying that my attitude means I don't get the whole maternal/paternal 'I must have kids right now and they must be mine!', way of thinking. ;)Sorry, I didn't mean to patronise you, honestly! :) I agree with your attitude, but I am aware that there are people out there who are obsessed with having children that are biologically theirs.

Now, my mind is tainted anyway since I am not a fan of children, but I'll try and step back from that and look at it objectively. If you want a child so badly, then surely the act of you bringing it up, helping to 'mould' it into the person it becomes, doing all the little every day things that it needs and so on and so forth are what makes you a true mother or father, rather than genetics. So yes, why not adopt? In the case of gay and lesbian people, I appreciate that this is still difficult (cases of homosexual couples adopting are still fairly low, and in many cases still illegal, I think), but I don't really understand this desire to have a child that is biologically one's own (regardless of parental sexuality).

Anyway, I would speculate that, since surrogacy is still fairly uncommon and adoption is still pretty popular, that those dead set on having biological children are in a minority.

acctually scientists have now found a way to merge eggs together to form a embryo I don't think they've tried it in humans yet

but i'm not sure how it would work due to mitrocondrial DNA

it might make the person healthyer due to the fact that they have different mitrocondrial DNA or it could cause problems

My goodness...go through all of that and end with nothing to show for it? Not willingly!

acctually scientists have now found a way to merge eggs together to form a embryo I don't think they've tried it in humans yet

No, they haven't tried it in humans. Of course, they can't get it to work in any mammal that is higher-order than a mouse, last I checked. It doesn't work in apes - at least not yet - so it won't move to humans for quite some time.


On the question at hand: I wouldn't use it at all. I understand the wish to have a child of your own - believe me, I really do, biology calls. However, to want a child of your own so bad that you go through insane amounts of money to have expensive treatments, or go to a surrogate, or any such things when there are children suffering in orphanages is just plain selfish, and I wouldn't be a party to it.

I recognize that homosexuals currently have it rough on the adoption angle, and that is something I am willing to fight, but I wouldn't be a surrogate (besides my other issues with it, there is no way I could give up a child I carried for nine months), nor would I use a surrogate. If I couldn't have a child of my own, I would adopt.

Holy Shit... I thought you were joking.
http://www.malepregnancy.com/mingwei/
but thank you Snopes -
http://www.snopes.com/pregnant/malepreg.htm

I don't think it's ever been attempted, for real... as far as I know, this lies purely in the land of theory. But hey, if Arnold Schwartzenegger can do it... :D

I'd be a surrogate mom, but on the condition that these people would most definitely take care of this child...I myself don't want children, but I would be delighted to give deserving, good, kind people the chance to raise a child...

I would not be a surrogate mother, or use one to have children, simply because there are more than enough children in this world who are in desperate need of loving parents. I want to be one of those parents. As many children as I support, that is how many I will adopt.
I would like to be a wet nurse, however. I guess that could be seen as similar to being a surrogate mother.

I'd be a surrogate mom, but on the condition that these people would most definitely take care of this child...I myself don't want children, but I would be delighted to give deserving, good, kind people the chance to raise a child...That forms part of my thinking too, but overall I do agree with the others that there is no real reason for most people not to adopt.