NationStates Jolt Archive

God Arrested for Murder, Jesus Suspected As an Accomplice
By Jim McElroy
Published August 3, 2005

Los Angeles, Aug. 2 – At twelve forty-two this afternoon, God, the creator of the universe and the writer/director of Smokey and the Bandit, was apprehended at his Bel Air mansion. Police reports state that he was in his office at the time of the arrest. He rushed into the adjacent bathroom and locked the one-inch thick wooden door. When asked to unlock it, he gave no answer, but a loud crash was heard. Two armed officers nearby tackled the scared Mr God. Three warning shots were fired before Mr God ceased his struggling.
The incident that he was arrested for was the murder of a young girl by the name of Mary Magedeline, age unknown. It was reported that she had had relations with his son Jesus, age thirty-three. Her body was found in a suite at the Roosevelt Hotel by one of the employees. The room was booked under the name Allah. The police went to Mr Allah for questioning, when asked about the room, he replied that he had paid for the room, but lent it to God as a favor. Blood was found on Ms Magedeline’s left arm which had no apparent wound. This blood was tested with Mr Allah’s, it tested negative. The police then tested it with that of Mr God’s, it tested positive. When asked if he had a statement, God replied, “ It was an accident, I didn’t know it was loaded. I didn’t mean to!”

-Disassociated Press

thats so random...

What prison is he going to? I want to know where to direct my prayers.

thats so random...

That's the Disassociated Press for you. *nod*

What prison is he going to? I want to know where to direct my prayers.
That's to be covered during the trial.

We at the Disasociated Press pride ourselves in being the masters of randomness.

We watch the powerful, so you don't have to!

Well God is in trouble coz Johnny Cochrane is in hell and thus unavailable.

Meh.

I get what you were going for, but you just didn't pull it off.

Meh.

I get what you were going for, but you just didn't pull it off.
That wasn't a joke, I was being serious.

God was framed by his son. The cops should nail Jesus for the crime. :D

?

Well God is in trouble coz Johnny Cochrane is in hell and thus unavailable.
Funniest post, ever.

*News Alert*

This just in...

It seems that the son of suspected murderer, "God", a one Mr. Jesus Christ, has barricaded himself in, at a topless bar in downtown Soho.
Police have surrounded the building, and have blocked traffic, along the street.

We take you live to asian reporter, Trish Takanawa, who is on the scene.

"Thank you, Jim, Im standing near the local topless bar called "The White Swallow" in downtown Soho, and it appears that Jesus, who eluded police earlier this morning when his father was arrested, has taken two strippers hostage, and barricaded himself in the mens room, inside the bar.
Police say that the supposed messiah is armed, and very dangerous.

ummm k...

Pffft. Try keeping Him in handcuffs.

Pffft. Try keeping Him in handcuffs.

Yeah, and what are you going to do with him if he's convicted? Crucify him? We already tried that and it didn't work.

God is Dead. - Nietzche
Nietzche is Dead. - God
I was talking about George Burns, I swear!! -Nietzche

But he's God...why can't he just make it go away?


If it was Jesus we should all blame his background. No father, not even from conception. Dad had to send some guy with wings to sow his seed on an unsuspecting virgin. He was never around when he was a kid, and his mothers resentfulness towards God has been transferred to him. We need better social intervention.

Of course Mr. Satan, Jesus's defense attorney has published their line of defense.......it was an act of God!!

But he's God...why can't he just make it go away?


If it was Jesus we should all blame his background. No father, not even from conception. Dad had to send some guy with wings to sow his seed on an unsuspecting virgin. He was never around when he was a kid, and his mothers resentfulness towards God has been transferred to him. We need better social intervention.

Of course Mr. Satan, Jesus's defense attorney has published their line of defense.......it was an act of God!!


So, what your saying is..you think Jesus will turn State's evidence against his father, in return for a lighter sentence?

So, what your saying is..you think Jesus will turn State's evidence against his father, in return for a lighter sentence?

Which just means God will simply call on Allah to make sure Jesus won't turn State... or if needs be call on Lobo.

Which just means God will simply call on Allah to make sure Jesus won't turn State... or if needs be call on Lobo.


Are talking about Lobo the old TV series...or Lobo the comic book...or the guy from Empire Strikes Back?

Cuz I think a testimony from Lobo the comic book guy might hurt the defense.

So, what your saying is..you think Jesus will turn State's evidence against his father, in return for a lighter sentence?
He could say it was a crime of passion.

I was wondering why my subordinate on Earth hadn't reported for duty on time today! :p

He could say it was a crime of passion.

Was that an allusion to the passion* or simply calling it a crime of passion?

[QUOTE=Mekonia]But he's God...why can't he just make it go away?

good question I've been asking that for a long time :p

Well, now that my other idols have totally screwed themselves I will have to go to Elvis worship.

Was that an allusion to the passion* or simply calling it a crime of passion?
The latter.

Are talking about Lobo the old TV series...or Lobo the comic book...or the guy from Empire Strikes Back?

Cuz I think a testimony from Lobo the comic book guy might hurt the defense.

Of course the one thing Gawd has going for him is that nobody has ever gotten The Main Man to show up as a witness for anything.

:D

Would they not be in trouble for being illegal immigrants? And will the police supply a spanish speaking translator for Jesus???

Would they not be in trouble for being illegal immigrants? And will the police supply a spanish speaking translator for Jesus???

Aramaic. He keeps saying "Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?" and no-one understands what he's saying.

Even if they give Jesus the Death Penalty, he'll just come back three days later. :p

Jesus already beat one trial, with several hearings in different countries.

Who will sit in judgement of God? Who is more holy?

If the son can rise from the dead, what do you think the father will do?

But Mohammed.. that lil devil deserves a war crimes tribunal.

[QUOTE=Neo Kervoskia][B] The room was booked under the name Allah. The police went to Mr Allah for questioning, when asked about the room, he replied that he had paid for the room, but lent it to God as a favor. Blood was found on Ms Magedeline’s left arm which had no apparent wound. This blood was tested with Mr Allah’s, it tested negative. The police then tested it with that of Mr God’s, it tested positive.

I thought that God and Allah was the same person. I think the police overlooked this!!

HaHaHa. Im suprised some religous nutter hasnt starting damning you for this thread!

And there also isn't a newb thus far who spams in all capital letters. What luck.

I thought that God and Allah was the same person. I think the police overlooked this!!
They aren't. Trust me -- I know. ;)

God and Allah suspected to be same person!
by: J Doe
published august 4th 2005

In a starteling turn of events, mr Allah was arrested today on the charges of being the same person as mr God. A police spokesman said:" We suspect mr God and mr Allah to be the same person, suffering from a rare disease known as Multiple body syndrome. we will be researching this case thoroughly". When we asked a well renowned doctor about MBS she said:" MBS is a cery rare disease, so far only 3 cases have been documented. I have offered my services in this case to the police."

HaHaHa. Im suprised some religous nutter hasnt starting damning you for this thread!
And there also isn't a newb thus far who spams in all capital letters. What luck.
OMG YOU'RE ALL GOIN 2 HELL!!!!!!!!!1111!!!1111! :D

OMG YOU'RE ALL GOIN 2 HELL!!!!!!!!!1111!!!1111! :D
Nope. You aren't a newb. You don't qualify. :p

damn he noticed. http://67.18.37.14/108/141/emo/stupid.gif :p

I wonder if the Virgin Mary will testify.

damn he noticed. http://67.18.37.14/108/141/emo/stupid.gif :p
:rolleyes:

HaHaHa. Im suprised some religous nutter hasnt starting damning you for this thread!

That's because we religious nutters are used having our faith made fun of. If we weren't, we wouldn't be able to watch TV.

That's because we religious nutters are used having our faith made fun of. If we weren't, we wouldn't be able to watch TV.

Your fault for following a faith with so many flaws.

Your fault for following a faith with so many flaws.
It doesn't have as many flaws as all that, just the arguments "proving" it do.

Well, there are whole pages of mistakes and contradictions in the Bible so................

Well, there are whole pages of mistakes and contradictions in the Bible so................
But the Bible =/= Christianity. It's the "proof". :D :D :D :D

I hereby declare myself to be God, all bow to me, Lord Jim!

I wonder if the Virgin Mary will testify.

do you think they'd accept her as a credible witness? They might not beleive the whole virgin mother bit...

I hereby declare myself to be God, all bow to me, Lord Jim!
Usurper!!! How dare you steal my rightful position!!!

How does the story end?

How does the story end?


Funny thing actually...

It seems that after his capture, Jesus was being transfered to a federal detention facility, and as he was being led outside, Pontius Pilate, shoots him to prevent Jesus from squealing.

The movie will star Kevin Costner.

"Back 2000 years...and to the left...
Back 2000 years...and to the left...."

God Arrested for Murder, Jesus Suspected As an Accomplice
By Jim McForestor
Published August 3, 2005

Los Angeles, Aug. 2 – At twelve forty-two this afternoon, God, the creator of the universe and the writer/director of Smokey and the Bandit, was apprehended at his Bel Air mansion. Police reports state that he was in his office at the time of the arrest. He rushed into the adjacent bathroom and locked the one-inch thick wooden door. When asked to unlock it, he gave no answer, but a loud crash was heard. Two armed officers nearby tackled the scared Mr God. Three warning shots were fired before Mr God ceased his struggling.
The incident that he was arrested for was the murder of a young girl by the name of Mary Magedeline, age unknown. It was reported that she had had relations with his son Jesus, age thirty-three. Her body was found in a suite at the Roosevelt Hotel by one of the employees. The room was booked under the name Allah. The police went to Mr Allah for questioning, when asked about the room, he replied that he had paid for the room, but lent it to God as a favor. Blood was found on Ms Magedeline’s left arm which had no apparent wound. This blood was tested with Mr Allah’s, it tested negative. The police then tested it with that of Mr God’s, it tested positive. When asked if he had a statement, God replied, “ It was an accident, I didn’t know it was loaded. I didn’t mean to!”

-Disassociated Press


rubbish..god doesnt live in America..he's British..he lives next door to major hunt of little skatby

*News Alert*

This just in...

It seems that the son of suspected murderer, "God", a one Mr. Jesus Christ, has barricaded himself in, at a topless bar in downtown Soho.
Police have surrounded the building, and have blocked traffic, along the street.

We take you live to asian reporter, Trish Takanawa, who is on the scene.

"Thank you, Jim, Im standing near the local topless bar called "The White Swallow" in downtown Soho, and it appears that Jesus, who eluded police earlier this morning when his father was arrested, has taken two strippers hostage, and barricaded himself in the mens room, inside the bar.
Police say that the supposed messiah is armed, and very dangerous.
reminds me of family guy, yes?

reminds me of family guy, yes?

Da.

If God has to take the witness stand, who will he swear an oath to?

If God has to take the witness stand, who will he swear an oath to?


Probably Lemmy Kilminster.

www.motorhead.ru/ pics/1/2000brixton.jpg

If God has to take the witness stand, who will he swear an oath to?
Me, being his overall superior. :D

Me, being his overall superior. :D


Youre not Lemmy.

rubbish..god doesnt live in America..he's British..he lives next door to major hunt of little skatby
but cant he have a vacation home? :P

but cant he have a vacation home? :P


Well see, thats the thing....
It seems that ol G is on hard times.
He started going to famous Hollywood parties, and started hanging around with Drew Barrymore, back in the day...they may or may not have had .....relations....and it seems like she got him into doing a few lines...if you know what I mean..

Well, to make a long story short, he hooked up with Loni Anderson and they went on a coke crazed spree of southern Sri-Lanka.
After wich, apprently, God developed a bit of a heroin problem.
He lost the house in Malibu, and the yacht.....soon his money was gone, and he still had a monkey on his back...

Until a week ago, when all this happened, last anyone saw of him, he was crashing at the former Popes house for a few weeks, you know, until he could get back on his feet.

i love you.