NationStates Jolt Archive

Okay. So here's the deal. I live with my beloved boyfriend in a one-room apartment in the city. We've been dating since high school and we're getting ever so close to the 'question'.

While doing one of my routine clean sweeps around the apartment, I found a box full of Playboy Magazines and porn videos behind a bunch of cassettes near the TV. There's obvious signs of recent use. I thought about it for a minute but then shoved it back where I found it. I went through the day without bringing up the subject though it kind of makes me feel inadequate now.

Am I making too big of a deal of this or should I talk to him?

Leave it be. It's just porn.

Please, for the love of God, confront him about it so that he can post how uncomfortable he was on here afterwards. Then we can all laugh.

it has nothing to do with you, i would think. you're overthinking it. the overwhelming majority of men look at pornography now and again (women, i'm told, also enjoy pornography from time to time) and it has nothing to do with the real-life sex life of the person in question. bring it up if it'll make you feel better, although that'd be a SERIOUSLY awkward conversation to have, but don't let it make you feel inadequate. it's really nothing to do with you.

...onless the content of the porn in question is something questionable or creepy. at that point steps ought to be taken, i suppose...

While doing one of my routine clean sweeps around the apartment, I found a box full of Playboy Magazines and porn videos behind a bunch of cassettes near the TV. There's obvious signs of recent use. I thought about it for a minute but then shoved it back where I found it. I went through the day without bringing up the subject though it kind of makes me feel inadequate now.

Am I making too big of a deal of this or should I talk to him?Talk to him, by all means. It's going to set a very dangerous precedent if you don't talk to him when something is bothering you. That said, the fact that your boy likes porn is absolutely no reason to feel inadequate. If he turned you down one night, then you caught him jacking off to porn in the wee hours, that would mean he liked porn more than you.
Watching porn is obviously something he does when you are not around, and it is probably what he does when he can't have you. Second best, and a distant second at that.
Don't be stressing, but do talk to him.
If he were my man, I'd be pissed. Why hasn't he been sharing his porn w you? Greedy bastard. :p

whats the problem?..

meh... like was said above, its just porn.

not sure if saying this helps or not, but i highly doubt it's due to any inadequacy or anything on your part.

if you have issues with it based on some sort of idealogical reasons or something... then i guess thats worthy of discussion/talking etc.

otherwise, i dunno, i guess if its really bugging you, then go ahead and try and bring it up, if nothing else, should serve as an amusing topic of conversation:)

Talk to him about it, let how you feel be out in the open. Trust me, bottling anything like that up isn't worth it by any means. Just communicate with him, be honest. One thing that REALLY irks me about relationships today is that people don't really say what is on their minds anymore (Did they ever? o.0). Believe me, not being honest and open with your partner will do more harm to your relationship then any amount of porn ever will.

dudes need porn - its like food for our souls.... or libido, or whatever. some dudes have the restraint to do without it, but most don't.
your options are:

1. bring it up with him and be angry - tell him to get rid of it (he won't be happy and will be embarassed)
2. bring it up casually and tell him you don't really care, that you found it but will leave it alone - its his private man stuff and you respect that (perhaps the best option if you explain it fully like that - he'll be embarassed but if you're understanding then he'll be cool with it)
3. bring it up and ask to watch some with him. possibly not a good idea till you've tried #2 - out of the blue he might be freaked out
4. be watching some next time he comes back to the flat, nekkid. this is probably the one he'll like best ;)
5. get rid of it & don't tell him. he probably won't bring it up
6. kick him out of the house
7. hide it and tell him he can have it back if he does "special favours" for you later in the evening.... ;)


it all depends how you feel about it, really. how do you feel about it?

dudes need porn - its like food for our souls.... or libido, or whatever. some dudes have the restraint to do without it, but most don't.
your options are:

1. bring it up with him and be angry - tell him to get rid of it (he won't be happy and will be embarassed)
2. bring it up casually and tell him you don't really care, that you found it but will leave it alone - its his private man stuff and you respect that (perhaps the best option if you explain it fully like that - he'll be embarassed but if you're understanding then he'll be cool with it)
3. bring it up and ask to watch some with him. possibly not a good idea till you've tried #2 - out of the blue he might be freaked out
4. be watching some next time he comes back to the flat, nekkid. this is probably the one he'll like best ;)
5. get rid of it & don't tell him. he probably won't bring it up
6. kick him out of the house
7. hide it and tell him he can have it back if he does "special favours" for you later in the evening.... ;)


it all depends how you feel about it, really. how do you feel about it?
another thing you can do is try to re-enact it for him... say dress and strike a pose like the centerfold.... or when the timing is just right, try spouting some of the 'dialogue' from one of his favorite porn or dressing up like one of the actresses.

Watching Porn together can be a... unique experience especially if it's used to help spice up an evening. ;)

just remember, Men will fantasize... the one thing that most women don't believe is that some men will replace the actress/model with the love of their life in those fantasies.

if you're going to talk to him about it... be casual, don't be defensive/offensive about it. Fantasies are personal and private so you are asking a male to do something he may not have practice with... and that's opening up.

Well, you found some stuff that he obviously didn't want you to find (otherwise, I guess it wouldn't have been hidden, right?)
Don't confront him, don't tell him you found it, chances are he would be deeply embarssed. Any discussion would have him in the defensive, not a good basis.
Depending on how you feel about the subject, why not bring it up indirectly?
If you feel positive about it, bring home some porn youself and suggest watching it together. I'm sure he would find that a nice surprise.
If you feel negative, why not use the old "You won't believe what (insert name of close female friend) found under her boyfriend's bed" and see where it goes from there?

No reason to feel inadequate over this alone. Chicks in porn cant hold a candle to real girls.

Okay. So here's the deal. I live with my beloved boyfriend in a one-room apartment in the city. We've been dating since high school and we're getting ever so close to the 'question'.

While doing one of my routine clean sweeps around the apartment, I found a box full of Playboy Magazines and porn videos behind a bunch of cassettes near the TV. There's obvious signs of recent use. I thought about it for a minute but then shoved it back where I found it. I went through the day without bringing up the subject though it kind of makes me feel inadequate now.

Am I making too big of a deal of this or should I talk to him?

I personally would bring it up. You want to get this stuff sorted out before you get married. There's already been some really good suggestions on here on how you could go about it. Good luck with whatever you decide!

Well, you found some stuff that he obviously didn't want you to find (otherwise, I guess it wouldn't have been hidden, right?)
Don't confront him, don't tell him you found it, chances are he would be deeply embarssed. Any discussion would have him in the defensive, not a good basis.
Depending on how you feel about the subject, why not bring it up indirectly?
If you feel positive about it, bring home some porn youself and suggest watching it together. I'm sure he would find that a nice surprise.
If you feel negative, why not use the old "You won't believe what (insert name of close female friend) found under her boyfriend's bed" and see where it goes from there?

I would advise against this, this is exactly what I meant when I said "people don't really say what is on their minds anymore." It's beating around the bush to an extent that borders on manipulation and it really won't help you feel any better about it.

First thing you need to do is decide how you feel about it. Are you OK with it? Does the idea offend you? Is this unacceptable behaviour? Are you not sure? It's perfectly OK to not be sure. Please, please, don't decide how you ought to feel. Decide how you feel.

Next, talk to him about it. It's probably going to be an awkward conversation. Tough. It's one you need to have.

Now for the really tough part. The implication I've gotten here is that he was hiding it from you. Why? Is he embarassed by it? Does he think you would be embarassed by it?

Finally, what are the two of you going to do about it? Is he going to give it up? Are the two of you going to buy a camcorder and open your own studio? Likely he'd rather you didn't see him with it, and maybe you'd rather not see him looking at it either. That's OK. It's still going to happen, but hopefully not too often, and when it does happen, everybody gets embarrassed, everybody apologizes and gets on with their life.

Odds are, at this point you're both incredibly embarrassed. But still, congradulations! You are both mature adults, and you acted like it. Have an ice cream. Maybe watch some of the porn while eating the ice cream? Who knows where it will lead?

Alex

Maybe watch some of the porn while eating the ice cream? Who knows where it will lead?

Alex

Well to be fair, I think most everyone here knows exactly were that will lead. http://www.cohguru.com/forum/images/smilies/naughty.gif

im a woman and im OLD. (48) let me give you some perspective

first of all, there is nothing wrong with 99% Of porn. there is NOTHING wrong wtih playboy. all men like to look. pictures are not the same as a real woman. if your guy is sane he knows the difference. he doesnt want you to be like those women, its just something naughty to look at.

you dont have to worry (much) that your man is a pervert. if he treats you well and doesnt have unrealistic expectations of you, hes FINE.

you should talk to him about it. no sense having this wall between you that he will have no way of knowing whats wrong. if you are utterly uncomfortable with the idea of it its OK to ask him to keep it somewhere else and to only look at it when you arent around. (i dont think its OK to insist that he get rid of all of it)

try watching some with him. ask him to have it be the most mild in his collection and if he doesnt have anything "mild" go rent something that is more female friendly at the video store. porn can help you talk about sex and the things you might like to try but are too shy to suggest. or even some things that you dont know about.

Most people are giving you good advice here--the most important part of it is that you need to talk to him about it, but not in an accusatory way. If you can't do that, then you need to reexamine your relationship. It's got to be an honest and open conversation about the porn, and there should be no attempt to make him feel guilty for owning it--you sound a bit young, and there's a great possibility that he'd be embarassed by your knowledge. That embarassment can quickly turn into defensiveness, and you don't want that, because it'll destroy your relationship.

Okay. So here's the deal. I live with my beloved boyfriend in a one-room apartment in the city. We've been dating since high school and we're getting ever so close to the 'question'.

While doing one of my routine clean sweeps around the apartment, I found a box full of Playboy Magazines and porn videos behind a bunch of cassettes near the TV. There's obvious signs of recent use. I thought about it for a minute but then shoved it back where I found it. I went through the day without bringing up the subject though it kind of makes me feel inadequate now.

Am I making too big of a deal of this or should I talk to him?
Grow up. The only time you should worry is if you don't find porn. That means that it's REALLY well hidden and is probably really scary or disgusting.

Also, who reads Playboy anymore?

You should definitly talk to him about it. I can tell by you posting here that you obviously have a problem with it. I think that is perfectly normal. I have a similar experience. I recently moved in with my boyfriend. A couple weeks after I moved in I found a stack of playboys under his bed and in a cabinet I found a couple of porn videos. I have a problem with my men looking at porn. To me, I should be the only woman that they look at naked. If they don't like it, then they can leave. Anyway, I talked to him about it. He didn't realize that he still had it and he told me to throw it out (which I had already done :D ). Anyway, if it bothers you that he looks at it, then you telling him it bothers you should make him want to get rid of it. He should care about your feelings more than the porn. ;)

First thing you need to do is decide how you feel about it. Are you OK with it? Does the idea offend you? Is this unacceptable behaviour? Are you not sure? It's perfectly OK to not be sure. Please, please, don't decide how you ought to feel. Decide how you feel.

Next, talk to him about it. It's probably going to be an awkward conversation. Tough. It's one you need to have.

Now for the really tough part. The implication I've gotten here is that he was hiding it from you. Why? Is he embarassed by it? Does he think you would be embarassed by it?

Finally, what are the two of you going to do about it? Is he going to give it up? Are the two of you going to buy a camcorder and open your own studio? Likely he'd rather you didn't see him with it, and maybe you'd rather not see him looking at it either. That's OK. It's still going to happen, but hopefully not too often, and when it does happen, everybody gets embarrassed, everybody apologizes and gets on with their life.

Odds are, at this point you're both incredibly embarrassed. But still, congradulations! You are both mature adults, and you acted like it. Have an ice cream. Maybe watch some of the porn while eating the ice cream? Who knows where it will lead?

Alex


WRONG. The reason he hides it is because he doesn't really want to talk about it. The stuff he jerks off to is kind of a touchy subject when talking to his woman. If you bring it up it's going to embarass and annoy him and you will fight. and then he will just hide it better. Let it go. By all means, if you want peace just let it go.

You should definitly talk to him about it. I can tell by you posting here that you obviously have a problem with it. I think that is perfectly normal. I have a similar experience. I recently moved in with my boyfriend. A couple weeks after I moved in I found a stack of playboys under his bed and in a cabinet I found a couple of porn videos. I have a problem with my men looking at porn. To me, I should be the only woman that they look at naked. If they don't like it, then they can leave. Anyway, I talked to him about it. He didn't realize that he still had it and he told me to throw it out (which I had already done :D ). Anyway, if it bothers you that he looks at it, then you telling him it bothers you should make him want to get rid of it. He should care about your feelings more than the porn. ;)Wow. Your boyfriend is a real pussy. And a liar too ("I didn't realize I still had it" lol). My guess is he's found another way to get porn without you knowing it. There is plenty of it on the internet after all.

You should definitly talk to him about it. I can tell by you posting here that you obviously have a problem with it. I think that is perfectly normal. I have a similar experience. I recently moved in with my boyfriend. A couple weeks after I moved in I found a stack of playboys under his bed and in a cabinet I found a couple of porn videos. I have a problem with my men looking at porn. To me, I should be the only woman that they look at naked. If they don't like it, then they can leave.

Personally, I wouldn't stay with someone who's got beef with me looking at porn.

I would advise against this, this is exactly what I meant when I said "people don't really say what is on their minds anymore." It's beating around the bush to an extent that borders on manipulation and it really won't help you feel any better about it.

No, it's respecting the other's privacy.
He hid those porn, he had a reason. Confront him, you might force him to lie. He might not be willing/ready/able to talk openly. Approach it carefully and give him time. Don't be offensive and force a desicion/reaction. Leave him his secrets, if that's what he wants the porn to be.

Idea: start leaving porn which would be construed as yours about in places where he is sure to find it 'accidentally', and see whether he broaches the subject.

wait a sec...."signs of recent use" ?

uh....

wait a sec...."signs of recent use" ?

uh....

*lol No, I don't want to know THAT :D

wait a sec...."signs of recent use" ?

uh....
In other words, she couldn't open it without a knife :P

You should definitly talk to him about it. I can tell by you posting here that you obviously have a problem with it. I think that is perfectly normal. I have a similar experience. I recently moved in with my boyfriend. A couple weeks after I moved in I found a stack of playboys under his bed and in a cabinet I found a couple of porn videos. I have a problem with my men looking at porn. To me, I should be the only woman that they look at naked. If they don't like it, then they can leave. Anyway, I talked to him about it. He didn't realize that he still had it and he told me to throw it out (which I had already done :D ). Anyway, if it bothers you that he looks at it, then you telling him it bothers you should make him want to get rid of it. He should care about your feelings more than the porn. ;)
all straight men like to look at naked women. its the way their brains are wired. you have to worry when they are no longer interested in naked women.

all straight men like to look at naked women.

Youa re operating under the false assumption that naked women are more erotically enticing than women in varying degrees of dress/undress.

Wow. Your boyfriend is a real pussy. And a liar too ("I didn't realize I still had it" lol). My guess is he's found another way to get porn without you knowing it. There is plenty of it on the internet after all.
Dude--there's no need to be a prick.

im a woman and im OLD. (48) let me give you some perspective

first of all, there is nothing wrong with 99% Of porn. there is NOTHING wrong wtih playboy. all men like to look. pictures are not the same as a real woman. if your guy is sane he knows the difference. he doesnt want you to be like those women, its just something naughty to look at.

you dont have to worry (much) that your man is a pervert. if he treats you well and doesnt have unrealistic expectations of you, hes FINE.

you should talk to him about it. no sense having this wall between you that he will have no way of knowing whats wrong. if you are utterly uncomfortable with the idea of it its OK to ask him to keep it somewhere else and to only look at it when you arent around. (i dont think its OK to insist that he get rid of all of it)

try watching some with him. ask him to have it be the most mild in his collection and if he doesnt have anything "mild" go rent something that is more female friendly at the video store. porn can help you talk about sex and the things you might like to try but are too shy to suggest. or even some things that you dont know about.

I'm also "old" - 40 and happily married for 17yrs. - This is EXCELLENT advice - using this method not only prevented arguments over porn but has also served us very well in keeping things "fresh" - you can get some pretty good ideas from it! Of course we did have a few instances of "hey my body won't move that way" but those simply degenerated into the giggles followed by a tickle fight and so on...... :D

Grow up. The only time you should worry is if you don't find porn. That means that it's REALLY well hidden and is probably really scary or disgusting.

I so totally agree! Being surprised and upset at finding your boyfriend's porn is like being surprised and upset at finding your girlfriend's tampons/sanitary pads.

And any woman that demands that a guy give up his porn to be with her should expect to be lied to and/or dumped for being a prudish, jealous control freak.

Dude--there's no need to be a prick.
Yeah, probably not. But here we are...

I'm just being reactionary because I can't believe that woman is so insecure and disrespectful that she threw away her boyfriend's property without his permission, and that her boyfriend was so gutless that this was ok to him.

Okay. So here's the deal. I live with my beloved boyfriend in a one-room apartment in the city. We've been dating since high school and we're getting ever so close to the 'question'.

While doing one of my routine clean sweeps around the apartment, I found a box full of Playboy Magazines and porn videos behind a bunch of cassettes near the TV. There's obvious signs of recent use. I thought about it for a minute but then shoved it back where I found it. I went through the day without bringing up the subject though it kind of makes me feel inadequate now.

Am I making too big of a deal of this or should I talk to him?
Why would it make you feel inadequate? Surely you're not trying to compare yourself with the fantasy women in those videos!

im a woman and im OLD. (48) let me give you some perspective

first of all, there is nothing wrong with 99% Of porn. there is NOTHING wrong wtih playboy. all men like to look. pictures are not the same as a real woman. if your guy is sane he knows the difference. he doesnt want you to be like those women, its just something naughty to look at.

you dont have to worry (much) that your man is a pervert. if he treats you well and doesnt have unrealistic expectations of you, hes FINE.

you should talk to him about it. no sense having this wall between you that he will have no way of knowing whats wrong. if you are utterly uncomfortable with the idea of it its OK to ask him to keep it somewhere else and to only look at it when you arent around. (i dont think its OK to insist that he get rid of all of it)

try watching some with him. ask him to have it be the most mild in his collection and if he doesnt have anything "mild" go rent something that is more female friendly at the video store. porn can help you talk about sex and the things you might like to try but are too shy to suggest. or even some things that you dont know about.
Ashmoria! That's some of the best advice I've ever heard! My hat's off to you. :)

Pssst! BTW ... 48 is NOT "old!" ;)

Yeah, probably not. But here we are...

I'm just being reactionary because I can't believe that woman is so insecure and disrespectful that she threw away her boyfriend's property without his permission, and that her boyfriend was so gutless that this was ok to him.
Insecure and disrespectful women are everywhere, as are insecure and idsrespectful men, so I don't know why you're surprised that someone would act that way. I think those actions are mean-spirited and I wouldn't have anything to do with a person who treated me that way, but the action is, unfortunately, far too common.

Youa re operating under the false assumption that naked women are more erotically enticing than women in varying degrees of dress/undress.
oh i didnt mean to suggest that.

men like to look at women. dressed, undressed, naughty, nice, men like to look.

theres no sense in faulting a man for doing what men do.

oh i didnt mean to suggest that.

men like to look at women. dressed, undressed, naughty, nice, men like to look.

theres no sense in faulting a man for doing what men do.

*feels left out*

Well, at least you'll watch men with me. Right?

You should definitly talk to him about it. I can tell by you posting here that you obviously have a problem with it. I think that is perfectly normal. I have a similar experience. I recently moved in with my boyfriend. A couple weeks after I moved in I found a stack of playboys under his bed and in a cabinet I found a couple of porn videos. I have a problem with my men looking at porn. To me, I should be the only woman that they look at naked. If they don't like it, then they can leave. Anyway, I talked to him about it. He didn't realize that he still had it and he told me to throw it out (which I had already done :D ). Anyway, if it bothers you that he looks at it, then you telling him it bothers you should make him want to get rid of it. He should care about your feelings more than the porn. ;)
hmm i have a problem with this... i mean its not mentally "choosing between your woman and your porn" cos your girl would win every time without fail.... buuut its one step towards being controlled by her. i would have said no and kept the porn, i'm sorry to say. its a matter of respect and trust - evidently you don't trust your b/f, or respect his individuality enough to let him keep it. hell if my (sadly non-existant) g/f had porn of her own (however unlikely that may be), it would be none of my business, as long as she didn't leave it lying about the place ;) i would trust her, and trust that she still likes me; although i might ask her whether things are exciting enough in the bedroom if she feels she needs porno (which is different from a guy having porn, cos as plenty of people have said, (most of) us dudes NEED porn to some degree :p)

this may turn out to be an unpopular post, but meh... *shrugs*

Insecure and disrespectful women are everywhere, as are insecure and idsrespectful men, so I don't know why you're surprised that someone would act that way. I think those actions are mean-spirited and I wouldn't have anything to do with a person who treated me that way, but the action is, unfortunately, far too common.
I guess I should say that I am surprised that someone would admit behaving this way in front of strangers, and act like she was proud of it no less.

I guess I should say that I am surprised that someone would admit behaving this way in front of strangers, and act like she was proud of it no less.
Yeah, well, a sense of self-righteousness will make people do strange things.

...although i might ask her whether things are exciting enough in the bedroom if she feels she needs porno (which is different from a guy having porn, cos as plenty of people have said, (most of) us dudes NEED porn to some degree :p)

this may turn out to be an unpopular post, but meh... *shrugs*

Honey, I am a woman and I have porn, I just enjoy watching it. With or without boyfriend. Why would that be different from a guy having porn? :confused:

Honey, I am a woman and I have porn, I just enjoy watching it. With or without boyfriend. Why would that be different from a guy having porn? :confused:
fewer women have porn. fact.

fewer women have porn. fact.

True. But I suspect that's simply because they are taught to react to it just like the OP... shoked, insecure and slightly disgusted. Once we are over that, we enjoy it just the same ;)

Honey, I am a woman and I have porn, I just enjoy watching it. With or without boyfriend.

A lot of women like porn. Although it seems that most of them like it better in novel/story form for some reason. I've heard that it has something to do with women being more verbal and men being more visual, or something like that.

True. But I suspect that's simply because they are taught to react to it just like the OP... shoked, insecure and slightly disgusted. Once we are over that, we enjoy it just the same ;)
sweeeet... :D

but still i'm not sure... i mean dudes in general have a real yearning for seeing nekkid ladies & therefore porn of some variety. this is what i meant by the bit you just quoted: knowing this, if i were a guy's girlfriend, i wouldn't be worried if he had porn because its only natural and can only be expected. however if my girlfriend had porn the fact is fewer girls go out of their way to get it, whether or not y'all enjoy it just as much as blokes do... hence i would wonder whether she's being, lets say, 'adequatley fulfilled' in the bedroom if she went out of her way to get some.
of course if she turned round and just said "i just wanted some porn" then thats fine - but you have to admit it is more unusual for women to have porn in the first place...

i hope that explains my thinking a bit more clearly. i do hope i'm not being bigoted or whatever here... i seem to be the only one thinking this way http://www.ironmaiden.org/images/smilies/eyes.gif

Okay. So here's the deal. I live with my beloved boyfriend in a one-room apartment in the city. We've been dating since high school and we're getting ever so close to the 'question'.

While doing one of my routine clean sweeps around the apartment, I found a box full of Playboy Magazines and porn videos behind a bunch of cassettes near the TV. There's obvious signs of recent use. I thought about it for a minute but then shoved it back where I found it. I went through the day without bringing up the subject though it kind of makes me feel inadequate now.

Am I making too big of a deal of this or should I talk to him?

I'd confront him and see if he shows any sign of lying when he says he didn't ever see it there. If you have a strong enough love for each other, you'll work it out and he'll throw that crud out and look at you more ;)

sweeeet... :D

but still i'm not sure... i mean dudes in general have a real yearning for seeing nekkid ladies & therefore porn of some variety. this is what i meant by the bit you just quoted: knowing this, if i were a guy's girlfriend i wouldn't be worried if he had porn because its natural. however if my girlfriend had porn the fact is fewer girls go out of their way to get it, whether or not y'all enjoy it just as much as blokes do... hence i would wonder whether she's being, lets say, 'adequatley fulfilled' in the bedroom if she went out of her way to get some.
of course if she turned round and just said "i just wanted some porn" then thats fine - but you have to admit it is more unusual for women to have porn in the first place...

i hope that explains my thinking a bit more clearly. i do hope i'm not being bigoted or whatever here... i seem to be the only one thinking this way http://www.ironmaiden.org/images/smilies/eyes.gif

No, not bigoted... although maybe a little misinformed.
And your reaction to your potential girlfriend's porn is exactly the same as the OP's reaction to her boyfriend's. insecurity.
IT might be trickier talking to a girl about her porno collection... she might be ashamed of it. Guys rarely are. But that's just a role thing, I guess... and I guess you just fell for that role thing.
Just because guys talk about porn more openly, and can brag about their collections doesn't mean girls don't
;)
You might be more likely to find erotic books, though (and I don't know ANY girl who doesn't own at least one) than movies or magazines.

A lot of women like porn. Although it seems that most of them like it better in novel/story form for some reason. I've heard that it has something to do with women being more verbal and men being more visual, or something like that.

Availability, too.
Books like that can be found in any good bookshop. Porn magazines or movies, you'll have to go to the sex shop (or, bless the net, you can get them online as well, but I think few women do that) and just imagine how a single woman entering a sex shop feels, what kind of looks she'll get. I tried that once and didn't like the experience in the least...

No, not bigoted... although maybe a little misinformed.
And your reaction to your potential girlfriend's porn is exactly the same as the OP's reaction to her boyfriend's. insecurity.
IT might be trickier talking to a girl about her porno collection... she might be ashamed of it. Guys rarely are. But that's just a role thing, I guess... and I guess you just fell for that role thing.
Just because guys talk about porn more openly, and can brag about their collections doesn't mean girls don't
;)
You might be more likely to find erotic books, though (and I don't know ANY girl who doesn't own at least one) than movies or magazines.
hmm it took me a few seconds to work it out and realise it, but you're absolutley right :eek:
i wouldn't have the slightest problem with the porn at all as long as i knew i was still pushing the right buttons... which is, as you say, insecurity - but mild compared to the post i was originally responding to (by Hysterian) :eek:


true about the books, too, from what i know. i'll be honest and say i'm quite inexperienced in the matter (quite sad for a 20 year old :p)
i guess you can tell



and FYI, guys don't brag about their collections..... oh wait... yes we do :D

Either:

a.) Start putting out a lot more. If a guy is satisfied, he won't need to use the hand. Maybe try new things. Try out a cheerleader outfit, maybe.
or
b.) Let it be. Guys have to vent sometimes.
or... if you really think it's a problem...
c.) Put something like a note in his box of porn. Basically the message is, you don't need this when you have me. He won't need to bring it up, and neither will you. Problem solved.
and if you're really desperate...
d.) Burn the box. When he's gone, take it out somewhere, put it in a barrel or trashcan, and burn it. What's he going to do? "OMG WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PORN!!" No, if a guy notices his stash is missing, he's not going to say a fucking word about it. We're like that.

I take issue with a). I know that when I was getting laid regularly ("was" :[ ) I was jerking it just as much, if not more.

Oh man, I think I just got a little too personal there.

All the chicks who don't "allow" their men to have porn, especially those who have destroyed any he already had are being controlling, bordering on abusive.
If it really upsets you that much that your boy might actually masterbate :eek: , or use porn to help him out, then talk to him about it. He may be willing to get rid of it for you (or at least make sure that you never have to know about it). Unless you are up for sex whenever he wants, as often as he wants, saying that he can't watch porn is just cruel. I jack off several times a day, and have yet to meet a man who is, uh, "up to it" as often as I would like. If he tried to stop me from watching porn when he's not around, not available, or not in the mood to satisfy me himself, I would dump his ass.

I so totally agree! Being surprised and upset at finding your boyfriend's porn is like being surprised and upset at finding your girlfriend's tampons/sanitary pads.

And any woman that demands that a guy give up his porn to be with her should expect to be lied to and/or dumped for being a prudish, jealous control freak.

Unless they're USED and, like... in places that they shouldn't be.

Like the time a girl living at our house decided to put used tampons in the paper towel roll thing... the cardboard tube...

It's just porn. Unless it's some nasty stuff with very young persons in it, or some other such bad stuff, you don't have to worry at all. I have a girlfriend and a lot of porn DVDs and it all works just fine. I use the porn when my gf isn't around as the next best thing to stimulate me for a jerk off, simple as that. Sometimes my gf requests that we watch a movie while having sex and that's fun, I guess I'm lucky in that way. As someone on page one wisely put it...porn is most likely just his substitute for when his much beloved woman isn't there for some good sex! :)

Just enjoy his porn and ask him to buy the so called women friendly porn. Then you're equal. BTW it is just porn, do better so he won't need it.

Ignore the porn, it means nothing.

Talk to him if only because it is something that you need reassurance with. If he had a problem differentiating between a real girlfriend and porn, he wouldn't be hiding it, and he wouldn't be concerned at all about having a girl friend, let alone enough about how she might feel to hide it.

But when you bring it up, it might be best to frame it as a problem of your insecurity as opposed to his behavior. Don't expect anything in the way of well considered articulate answers. It's probably going to be akin to "I feel a need, take care of it, move on."

But the truth is it's just a biological function, it's like a need to pee, he has no emotional attachment to women in the porn at all. That he conceals his occasional need to rub one out is more likely than not due to what he percieves as sensetivity on your part. He's just being considerate of your feelings.

Just enjoy his porn and ask him to buy the so called women friendly porn. Then you're equal. BTW it is just porn, do better so he won't need it.

I think this is exactly how the OP feels inadequate by finding the porn. We don't know the exact details of their sex life, so it's hard to say if she CAN do better.

This may sound weird, but I don't like my husband collecting porn. If he goes to a strip club or is looking at it online I don't care. I just don't want it in the house. I personally don't like porn. I always feel like I'm being manipulated and forced to be aroused and I've never liked being told what to do.

Thanks for the advice. I'll probably ignore it and let it be. I've gotten over it. You wouldn't believe how many times my brother(s) left a tape in the VCR. Really disgusting to think about but I was like 'boys will be boys'. I'll take the same approach with my man.

Try out a cheerleader outfit, maybe.

Haha. I was a cheerleader in high school. He despised cheerleaders (except for me), lol. He'd come out to every game and throw food at everyone (and get kicked out).

Thanks for the advice. I'll probably ignore it and let it be. I've gotten over it. You wouldn't believe how many times my brother(s) left a tape in the VCR. Really disgusting to think about but I was like 'boys will be boys'. I'll take the same approach with my man.



Haha. I was a cheerleader in high school. He despised cheerleaders (except for me), lol. He'd come out to every game and throw food at everyone (and get kicked out).

So... you are not going to do anything? You might be missing out on a great opportunity here
:D

So... you are not going to do anything? You might be missing out on a great opportunity here
:D
I'll probably do something. He likes cowgirls :D

Hah.

I completely agree with you position.

I mean, boys will be boys.. And even if he does look at porn, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you or still think of you in a sexually-attractive kind of way.

It's just like that study in some magazine. Most of the time when guys masterbate, they think of their wives/girlfriends.

It's just like that study in some magazine. Most of the time when guys masterbate, they think of their wives/girlfriends.

Even if they don't - who are we to play thought police? How controling is that?
I know I don't always think about my boyfriend when I'm on my own, but I do know the difference between a fantasy and reality (I normally look a whole lot better in the fantasies ;) )

Am I making too big of a deal of this or should I talk to him?
If it really bothers you, don't let it fester inside, bring it out.

Even if they don't - who are we to play thought police? How controling is that?
I know I don't always think about my boyfriend when I'm on my own, but I do know the difference between a fantasy and reality (I normally look a whole lot better in the fantasies ;) )
Too true. I never thought of my girlfriend when I did it because thinking of her was "too real" for me. Now that we broke up and I don't get laid by her anymore, it works fine thinking of her.

Hehe, I remember many years ago when I thought hiding my collection from my girlfriend was a good idea.
Damn that conversation has to have been the most embarrasing I've ever had. Typically, she more or less attacked me. After maybe a 30 min huge argument, I finally realized she was pissed because she was insecure. I managed to calm down the situation and have a long sensible talk about it. Later that evening she send me shopping for some dirty mag for her. Hehe.

Anyway, stupid guys hide the shit because they think their girlfriend will get mad. They never realize it's impossible to hide things, and they never think about WHY their girlfriend might react like that.
Stupid girls get mad or ignore it. They never realize porn collections are about as common as having arms, and they never realize that stupid guys don't really know why they're hiding their collections or why they shouldn't.

So talk to him. Be casual about it, as you're sure to make the poor bugger feel like dirt for a good half hour. Expect him to get defensive, because he's bound to. All the guy knows is he's doing something he thinks you think he shouldn't and he'll assume you're upset about it. Give him a chance to adjust.
Guys are extremely unthoughtful and very dense with these things.

But do talk to him. Both of you will feel better about eachother and yourselves, once you have it out in the open.

When I'm in a relationship, I find I don't look at porn at all. Of course, I've not yet been married, so I can't speak for that segment of men, but I fervently believe that I'll not need it then, either. I'm not opposed to porn, but I think there's far too much reliance on it and it's becoming mainstream. Porn is useful for titllation, I suppose, but those who actually need to keep stocks of it around the house have absent or inadequate imaginations.

Grow up, guys. Besides, very few women look like porn actresses, and even fewer men look like porn actors.

I take issue with a). I know that when I was getting laid regularly ("was" :[ ) I was jerking it just as much, if not more.

Oh man, I think I just got a little too personal there.

Heh, maybe, but it's true.

Self-sex and other-sex are often not related.

I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, can you honestly say you NEVER look at other guys appreciatively? and that you've never fantasized about being with someone else -- EVER?

Do you worry about relationships he has had previously?

I'd be more worried if he were so fixated on his porn that he could not have a relationship with you without staging reenactments of his favorite scenes.

Honey, I am a woman and I have porn, I just enjoy watching it. With or without boyfriend. Why would that be different from a guy having porn? :confused:


Yet one more reason Cabra West is amazing..... You are like the perfect girl!!! I learn this more and more each day.....

Yet one more reason Cabra West is amazing..... You are like the perfect girl!!! I learn this more and more each day.....
Seconded!

- I'd date you luv :p

I wouldn't worry about it, but I would talk to him. When my boyfriend and I started dating, he had a harddrive full of porn, and a box full of magazines. When we moved in together, the box sat in storage. It's been there for three years and hasn't been touched- he finally threw them out a few months ago when we got married.

He still looks at porn occasionally, but not too often. Either we'll watch it together or just have sex. Most men have higher sex drives than women; maybe he just needs it more often.

Don't repress your feelings, though. It's always better to communicate and get things on the table. It's not okay to go nuts on him for having it, but it's okay to tell him how you feel and go from there. Having open and honest communication is one of the most important things in a marriage. If you repress it, you might find yourself even more insecure and building resentment to him for "making" you feel this way.

Unless you are up for sex whenever he wants, as often as he wants, saying that he can't watch porn is just cruel.

Bingo.

Seconded!

- I'd date you luv :pThirded!
Nimm mich! :D

Meh, I talked to him. Said something along the lines of "I found your stash. I won't object to it but keep me involved." He got defensive but he caught my drift. I told him I'm okay with it but you don't need to keep too many secrets from me.

Then one thing led to another and that's as far as I'll go into. :D

Meh, I talked to him. Said something along the lines of "I found your stash. I won't object to it but keep me involved." He got defensive but he caught my drift. I told him I'm okay with it but you don't need to keep too many secrets from me.

Then one thing led to another and that's as far as I'll go into. :D
See? I told you you shouldn't let it fester inside of you! :D

if a man wants porn, he will get it, getting rid of it and seeing if he will react wouldn't work, he would just start re building AND hide it better.
many men like porn, same with women. but both can be very embaressed about having it. guys (and maybe girls) do occcasionaly brag to friends about there porn BUT there are some people (and a girlfriend/boyfriend is included) that some people would not tell due to embaressment.

IF you are annoyed about it, say it to him but do not be angry, just try and find out why he uses it, 4 out of 5 times it will be just because they do. if you don't feel uncomfortable, make an effort by watching it or rping it with him but only after you've brought it up.

girls who would make a guy get rid of it, will probably have problems as there men will just hide it better, bring it up, casually and calmly and just discuss it (and see where it goes), or else just drop it, getting rid of it is not the answer and will only cause more problems when you stumble across his next stash.

This is a message brought to you from I Still Like Oranges from a nation who doesn't have an e mail so shouldn't be able to post, so whats going on? i was meant to be in I Still Like Oranges, so my apologies)

David the crazy evil genius dictator of I Still Like Oranges

If I was a girl… and had a boyfriend… who had porn… I probably would confront him about it as I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. Though that might be a bit presumptious me saying that, as I've never had porn.

If I was a girl… and had a boyfriend… who had porn… I probably would confront him about it as I wouldn't feel comfortable with it. Though that might be a bit presumptious me saying that, as I've never had porn.

you've never had porn, either you're lying or just plain weird.
never had porn and we know you have the internet so i'd say you are lying
i mean, every guy has had porn at one time or another if they have easy access which the internet provides.

Meh, I talked to him. Said something along the lines of "I found your stash. I won't object to it but keep me involved." He got defensive but he caught my drift. I told him I'm okay with it but you don't need to keep too many secrets from me.

Then one thing led to another and that's as far as I'll go into. :D
Very happy for you. Am I allowed to say "I told you so"? :p

you've never had porn, either you're lying or just plain weird.
never had porn and we know you have the internet so i'd say you are lying
i mean, every guy has had porn at one time or another if they have easy access which the internet provides.

1. I am indeed weird. Why else would I be posting here?
2. I've got a 56K connection, which is sort of crippled internet - not "easy access" at all.

you've never had porn, either you're lying or just plain weird.
never had porn and we know you have the internet so i'd say you are lying
i mean, every guy has had porn at one time or another if they have easy access which the internet provides.That's not true. A good friend of mine was one of two people that admitted to never having looked at porn in a drinking game. He wasn't computer illiterate at all.

well i apologise, lets blame my comments on the shock
i'm sorry
but still, for a guy (and maybe a girl) to have had easy access but not have seen porn is very rare
can we agree on that?

well i apologise, lets blame my comments on the shock
i'm sorry
but still, for a guy (and maybe a girl) to have had easy access but not have seen porn is very rare
can we agree on that?Yes. (He was very shocked to be the only guy in the group to have never seen porn when almost all of the girls had.)

but as long as people can understand that MOST porn and people that watch aren't bad, for many its a natural thing, some get embaressed but have it secretly, my stash is secretly kept, but its not that big so that helps, porn is porn, the people that watch it are normal (usually)