NationStates Jolt Archive

It's quite possibly the best television show ever, easily the best comedy ever, and the likes of which most political comedies only wish they could equal. I tell you, it was recorded 23-25 years ago, and it's just as apt today as it was then. But since I'm not one for reeling on, I shall now saturate you with QUOTES so you can realise how empty your life has been unless you've seen it.

"Two kinds of government chair correspond with the two kinds of minister: one sort folds up instantly and the other sort goes round and round in circles." -Bernard Wooley

"'The matter is under consideration' means we have lost the file. 'The matter is under active consideration' means we are trying to find the file." Bernard Wooley

"Politicians must be allowed to panic. They need activity. It is their substitute for achievement." SIR HUMPHREY APPLEBY.

"There has to be a nuclear bunker in Whitehall. Government doesn't stop merely because the country has been destroyed. Annihilation is bad enough. Without anarchy to make it even worse." Sir Humphrey Appleby

"If Civil Servants did not fight for the budgets of their departments they could end up with departments so small that even the Ministers could run them." Probably Sir Humphrey, but I can't QUITE remember

"The Official Secrets Act is not to protect secrets, it is to protect officials."

"'This would create a dangerous precedent'. Translation: 'If we do the right thing now, we might have to do the right thing again next time'." Jim Hacker

Stage One: Refuse to publish in the public interest saying
1. There are security considerations.
2. The findings could be misinterpreted.
3. You are waiting for the results of a wider and more detailed report which is still in preparation. (If there isn't one, commission it; this gives you even more time).

Stage Two: Discredit the evidence you are not publishing, saying
1. It leaves important questions unanswered.
2. Much of the evidence is inconclusive.
3. The figures are open to other interpretations.
4. Certain findings are contradictory.
5. Some of the main conclusions have been questioned. (If they haven't, question them yourself; then they have).

Stage Three: Undermine the recommendations. Suggested phrases:
1. 'Not really a basis for long term decisions'.
2. 'Not sufficient information on which to base a valid assessment'.
3. 'No reason for any fundamental rethink of existing policy'.
4. 'Broadly speaking, it endorses current practice'.

Stage Four: Discredit the person who produced the report. Explain (off the record) that
1. He is harbouring a grudge against the Department.
2. He is a publicity seeker.
3. He is trying to get a Knighthood/Chair/Vice Chancellorship.
4. He used to be a consultant to a multinational.
5. He wants to be a consultant to a multinational." Sir Humphrey Appleby.

"Administration is about means, not ends. The only ends in administration are loose ends." Sir Humphrey Appleby

It's a contradiction in terms, you can be open or you can have government. - Sir Arnold

If people don't know what you're doing, they don't know what you're doing wrong.- Sir Arnold


Jim: Well anyway, why are we having an official visit from this tin pot little African country?
Sir Humphrey: Minister, I beg of you not to refer to it as a tin pot little African country. It's an LDC.
Jim: A what?
Sir Humphrey: Buranda is what was used to be called an under-developed country, however this term was largely regarded as offensive, so they became known as developing countries and then as less developed countries or LDC's. We are now ready to replace the term LDC with HRRC.
Jim: What's that?
Sir Humphrey: Human resource rich countries.
Jim: Which means?
Sir Humphrey: That they're grossly over-populated and begging for money

"Well I think Bernard means is that he'll know how to behave if he went to an English university, even if it was the LSE." -Sir Humphrey Appleby

"Jim: We're going to have egg all over our faces.
Sir Humphrey: Not egg Minister, just imperialist yolk"
"Suppose everyone went around saving money irresponsibly all over the place."- Sir Humphrey


Bernard: What about a publicity campaign Minister, you know ADMINISTRATION SAVES THE NATION, RED TAPE IS FUN, full pages ads in ... in. Just an idea.
Jim: Red tape is fun?
Bernard: Well what about RED TAPE HOLDS THE NATION TOGETHER

"You might get away with calling it (Europass, a European ID card) the Euroclub Express."- Bernard

"Britain has had the same foreign policy objective for at least the last five hundred years - to create a disunited Europe. In that cause we have fought with the Dutch against the Spanish, with the Germans against the French, with the French and Italians against the Germans and with the French against the Germans and Italians. Divide and rule, you see. Why should we change now when it's worked so well."- Sir Humphrey


"Sir Humphrey: Minister I have something to say to you which you may not like to hear.
Jim: Why should today be any different.
Sir Humphrey: Minister, the traditional allocation of executive responsibilities has always been so determined as to liberate the Ministerial incumbent from the administrative minutiae by devolving the managerial functions to those whose experience and qualifications have better formed them for the performance of such humble offices, thereby releasing their political overlords for the more onerous duties and profound deliberations which are the inevitable concomitant of their exalted position.
Jim: Now, whatever made you think I wouldn't want to hear that.
Sir Humphrey: Well I though it might upset you.
Jim: How could it, I didn't understand a single word. Humphrey for God's sake, for once in your life put it into plain English.
Sir Humphrey: If you insist. You are not here to run this Department.
Jim: I beg your pardon.
Sir Humphrey: You are not here to run this Department.
Jim: I think I am. The people think I am too.
Sir Humphrey: With respect Minister you are ... they are wrong.
Jim: And who does run this Department?
Sir Humphrey: I do."

"Sir Humphrey: There are four words you have to work into a proposal if you want a Minister to accept it.
Sir Frank: Quick, simple, popular, cheap. And equally there are four words to be included in a proposal if you want it thrown out.
Sir Humphrey: Complicated, lengthy, expensive, controversial. And if you want to be really sure that the Minister doesn't accept it you must say the decision is courageous.
Bernard: And that's worse than controversial?
Sir Humphrey: (laughs) Controversial only means this will lose you votes, courageous means this will lose you the election."

Jim: Shred it.
Bernard: Shred it?
Jim: No one must ever be able to find it again.
Bernard: In that case, Minister, I think it's best I file it.

Sir Humphrey: Well it was a conversation to the effect that in view of the somewhat nebulous and inexplicit nature of your remit and the arguably marginal and peripheral nature of your influence on the central deliberations and decisions within the political process, that there could be a case for restructuring their action priorities in such a way as to eliminate your liquidation from their immediate agenda.
Jim: They said that?
Sir Humphrey: That was the gist of it.

Sir Humphrey: He that would keep a secret must keep it secret that he hath a secret to keep.
Jim: Who said that?
Bernard: It was Sir Humphrey.
Jim: Who said it originally.

I tell you. Yes Minister is the best. Who says otherwise?

No-one. It's the best thing ever. All hail Yes Minister! :D :D :D

I found God today.

He got lost trying to read your post.

I've made longer RP posts, and they were less funny too. Toughen up. :DBesides, they're all COMIC GOLD, personally handsearched through a whole heap of google results by me. Otherwise I'd have just linked to the site, but they're in loads.

Actually, the name is Yes, Prime Minister. I've seen some episodes many years ago and can only remember two scenes. One of them was about how UK didn't have enough nukes and in the other one the assistant was going on saying "in principle". I do remember that I liked it. .)

Actually, the name is "Yes, Minister". Yes Prime minister was the sequel.

In this series, Jim Hacker is the Minister for Administrative affairs, and not the PM.

It was an excellent show. I haven't seen it for years.

dads army and blackadder are the greatest british comedies in my opinion. dads army just because of its perfect script and cast, and i think you could call blackadder a political comedy too, so im afraid yes minister goes way down in my appreciation. that said ive only seen about 5 episodes, maybe i missed the best ones.

Tisk tisk tisk. Blackadder is marvellous, as is Dads army, but they just can't compare. You could call blackadder a political comedy if you were satirising the dark ages and the early industrial age... but not really any other time.

Yes Minister just makes my sides ache, however, in a way that Dads army and blackadder have never managed to acheive. As this is my thread, I am right. :D

They're funny in different ways. Yes Minster and it's sequel are far more wit-based, as there is very little action, whereas the other series will see people scurrying about etc and a certain amount of visual comedy is inviolved, which is less evident in Yes Minister.

Tisk tisk tisk. Blackadder is marvellous, as is Dads army, but they just can't compare. You could call blackadder a political comedy if you were satirising the dark ages and the early industrial age... but not really any other time.

Yes Minister just makes my sides ache, however, in a way that Dads army and blackadder have never managed to acheive. As this is my thread, I am right. :D

*bows*

i think the political jokes in blackadder become more prevalent during blackadder goes forth, in the first world war. its where ben elton really gets to moan about the ruling classes, with all the jokes about the generals not being anywhere near the front. actualy come to think of it blackadder is probably one of the main sources for my leftyness.

I think 'Yes Minister' and 'Monty Python' are on a fairly even playing field but they're so different it's hard to call one 'the best'.

Some of monty pythons sketches have aged slightly whereas I've yet to find a Yes Minister sketch that has.

I win NS general.

Actually, the name is "Yes, Minister". Yes Prime minister was the sequel.

In this series, Jim Hacker is the Minister for Administrative affairs, and not the PM.

Oh. Haven't seen that series then, don't think they've showed it here in Finland.

Ah yes, wonderful program. I'm not sure whether I would say it was the best comedy ever, but it certainly is one of the best.

I have the first four series on DVD. I attribute them to my good exam results - I watched an episode on the night before each exam. :p

You missed my favorite one (I think :confused: )

Jim Hacker: Don't tell me about the Press. I know *exactly* who reads the papers. The Daily Mirror is read by the people who think they run the country. The Guardian is read by people who think they *ought* to run the country. The Times is read by the people who actually *do* run the country. The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country. The Financial Times is read by people who own the country. The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by *another* country. The Daily Telegraph is read by the people who think it is.

Sir Humphrey: Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?

Bernard Woolley: Sun readers don't care *who* runs the country - as long as she's got big tits.

I did miss this one out. I couldn't remember it to look for it.

I still prefer the ones where Sir Humphrey is winning, yet again. They make me laugh at how futile it is to go against him.


and Sir Frederick! "Jumbo".

SILLY BOY

What was the episode where Jim Hacker found out the Sir Humphrey had made a huge bungle with a military installation in Scotland, back when he was a junior civil servant? That was my favourite one.

Yes Minister is very good, but faulty towers and black adder are funnier! :)

James Hacker: "Who else is in this department?"
Sir Humphrey Appleby: "Well briefly, Sir, I am the Permanent Under Secretary of State, known as the Permanent Secretary. Woolley here is your Principal Private Secretary, I too have a Principal Private Secretary and he is the Principal Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary. Directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, 87 Under Secretaries and 219 Assistant Secretaries. Directly responsible to the Principal Private Secretary are plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Under Secretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.
James Hacker: "Do they all type?"
Sir Humphrey Appleby: "No. Mrs. McKay types. She's the secretary."

James Hacker: "I don't want the truth. I want something I can tell Parliament!"

Bernard Woolley: "He's coming round now."
James Hacker: "Why, did he faint?"

James Hacker: "What will happen to him?"
Sir Humphrey Appleby: "Well, I gather he was as drunk as a lord. So, after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one."

Sir Humphrey Appleby: "Bernard, Ministers should never know more than they need to know. Then they can't tell anyone. Like secret agents, they could be captured and tortured."
Bernard Woolley: "You mean by terrorists?"
Sir Humphrey Appleby: "By the BBC, Bernard."

James Hacker: "You know what the average Common Market official is like ? They've got the flexibility of the Germans, the organising ability of the Italians and the modesty of the French. And that's topped up by the humour of the Belgians, the generosity of the Dutch and the intelligence of the Irish."

Bernard : "Of course in the service, CMG stands for Call Me God. And KCMG for Kindly Call Me God."

Jim Hacker: "What does GCMG stand for?"

Bernard: "God Calls Me God."

Genius :)

What was the episode where Jim Hacker found out the Sir Humphrey had made a huge bungle with a military installation in Scotland, back when he was a junior civil servant? That was my favourite one.

The Skeleton in the Cupboard. Yes, that's one of my favourites too.