NationStates Jolt Archive

As only Landover can bring you … the top 5 summer reading books for children!
(Buy yours today)


http://www.landoverbaptist.org/subjectarchive/landoverbaptizon.html


(and yes it is a parody I am aware lol) but I got a good laugh out of it

Oh my....

What about these little gems:The Holy Bible by God, TAMPONS: Satan's Little Cotton Fingers by Sister Taffy Crockett, Surfin' The Net With Jesus! by Judy O'Christian, and Jesus Is Probably Going To Kill You by Rev. Harry Hardwick

What about these little gems:The Holy Bible by God, TAMPONS: Satan's Little Cotton Fingers by Sister Taffy Crockett, Surfin' The Net With Jesus! by Judy O'Christian, and Jesus Is Probably Going To Kill You by Rev. Harry Hardwick

Heh, Harry Hardwick.

What about these little gems:The Holy Bible by God, TAMPONS: Satan's Little Cotton Fingers by Sister Taffy Crockett, Surfin' The Net With Jesus! by Judy O'Christian, and Jesus Is Probably Going To Kill You by Rev. Harry Hardwick
Lol all quality reading for young adults +

Heh, Harry Hardwick.
I like the Judy O’Christian

(such as what is normally referred to as the Judea/Christian god)

LOL. Click on one of those links and it take you to a parody of Amazon.

"People who bought this title also bought books by
Adolf Hitler(which links you to Bob Jones University, btw... har!)
Jerry Falwell
President George Bush
Rev. Fred Phelps
Jorges Luis Borges"

ROFL.

This sort of shit pisses me off.

This sort of shit pisses me off.

How so? We all thought it was kinda funny.

This sort of shit pisses me off.

Really now, boo hoo its satire, it may not be tasteful, but if you can't take any sort of joke you don't agree with, you best call your ISP and cancel your internet subscription and mail your computer to my house. I live at...

LOL. Click on one of those links and it take you to a parody of Amazon.

"People who bought this title also bought books by
Adolf Hitler(which links you to Bob Jones University, btw... har!)
Jerry Falwell
President George Bush
Rev. Fred Phelps
Jorges Luis Borges"

ROFL.
Lol I know :) I love landover lol

This whole site is hilarious! The scary thing is...it's no more outrageous than the God Hates Fags (http://www.godhatesfags.com/) site...one is real, and one is not, but my goodness they are both over the top!

I found a real gem on the Baptist site...(and don't you just want to order those books just in case they're for real??:))

Women probably don't have souls. (http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0500/femsoul.html)

Well THAT explains it!!!

How so? We all thought it was kinda funny.

It was funny, I'll give it that.

Not all Christians want to throw stones at gays. Not all of them think Jews are evil. Real christians do none of those things.

This sort of shit pisses me off.
That’s alright satire does that sometime

Personally I don’t have a problem with any satire but so be it (may not get a laugh out of it but it hardly makes me mad)

It was funny, I'll give it that.

Not all Christians want to throw stones at gays. Not all of them think Jews are evil. Real chrsitians do none of those things.
We were not trying to imply that … like I said its just satire not an attempt to really lump you all together

That’s alright satire does that sometime

Personally I don’t have a problem with any satire but so be it (may not get a laugh out of it but it hardly makes me mad)



Some things should be above satire....

It was funny, I'll give it that.

Not all Christians want to throw stones at gays. Not all of them think Jews are evil. Real christians do none of those things.
Don't worry. We all realise these people are not 'real' Christians, (like you could ever define what real is anyway). At least these people are kidding. The God Hates Fags people aren't. But we know these freaks don't represent all Christians.

Don't worry. We all realise these people are not 'real' Christians, (like you could ever define what real is anyway). At least these people are kidding. The God Hates Fags people aren't. But we know these freaks don't represent all Christians.



Lol, my personal favorite: God Hates Sweden. :D


Take that Fass :D

Some things should be above satire....
What...like RELIGION!!??? Are you KIDDING???

I can think of very few things that should be above satire. They involve harming children in any way...but I'm sensitive to those sorts of jokes.

Some things should be above satire....
Not if they deserve it lol in my world nothing is reverent not my beliefs not my ideas nothing
Everything is worth a laugh lol

Not if they deserve it lol in my world nothing is reverent not my beliefs not my ideas nothing
Everything is worth a laugh lol

Personally, I like being irreverant. There's nothing better than seeing how pissed off people can get when you make fun of something considered "off-limits".

Personally, I like being irreverant. There's nothing better than seeing how pissed off people can get when you make fun of something considered "off-limits".
Very true … no ones ideas are above discussion or jokes … no ones lol

Personally, I like being irreverant. There's nothing better than seeing how pissed off people can get when you make fun of something considered "off-limits".



Fine, just don't be too suprised if you get a fist in the face for doing it IRL...

What...like RELIGION!!??? Are you KIDDING???

I can think of very few things that should be above satire. They involve harming children in any way...but I'm sensitive to those sorts of jokes.


Anything that is holy and of God should never be subjected to human ridicule. Never.

Anything that is holy and of God should never be subjected to human ridicule. Never.
Ok Ill buy that ... but sense god does not exist we are back to nothing is above ridicule :p

Anything that is holy and of God should never be subjected to human ridicule. Never.

They are making fun of the intolerant worshippers of God, not God himself. You know how you feel when reading stuff like this? People who inntolerant Christians call evil and stupid feel 10x worse. Innotlerant Christians give Christians who actually DO accept others no matter what a bad name.

Ok Ill buy that ... but sense god does not exist we are back to nothing is above ridicule :p



I've hijacked too many threads this week for my own good, so I'll not take the bait ;)

Anything that is holy and of God should never be subjected to human ridicule. Never.

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
...
It only takes one nail to hang a painting.



... sorry, really. I just couldn't resist.

Some things should be above satire....
nothing is above satire. like I said. If you can't take a joke that you don't agree with, call your isp to cancel your connection and mail your comptuer to my house. Use Fed-Ex, they are speedy and stuff

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
...
It only takes one nail to hang a painting.



... sorry, really. I just couldn't resist.

That was uncalled for.

But it made me laugh

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting?
...
It only takes one nail to hang a painting.



... sorry, really. I just couldn't resist.
*groans* lol

Ihatevacations']nothing is above satire. like I said. If you can't take a joke that you don't agree with, call your isp to cancel your connection and mail your comptuer to my house. Use Fed-Ex, they are speedy and stuff



Satire is meant to criticize the corrupt and imperfect. Subjecting perfection Itself to such blasphemy isn't satirical...it's stupid.

*groans* lol
impertinent jokes in a thread being invaded by moralsits for teh win!

Satire is meant to criticize the corrupt and imperfect.
This site IS criticizing the corrupt and imperfect. Christians are not perfect and are wholly corrupt with power

Ihatevacations']impertinent jokes in a thread being invaded by moralsits for teh win!


This site IS criticizing the corrupt and imperfect. Christians are not perfect and are wholly corrupt with power



Yet the "jokes" involve God. If you really must criticize Christians, at least keep God out of it.....

Satire is meant to criticize the corrupt and imperfect. Subjecting perfection Itself to such blasphemy isn't satirical...it's stupid.
And this satire linked are about followers not god

Unless you are claiming humans are perfect

Lighten up Neo Rougolia. You need to laugh at yourself and your beliefs every once and a while. You are not perfect, and neither are your beliefs. You are wrong sometimes. Just admit it.

Lighten up Neo Rougolia. You need to laugh at yourself and your beliefs every once and a while. You are not perfect, and neither are your beliefs. You are wrong sometimes. Just admit it.
Yup sometimes a good laugh at yourself is the best way to get through life

Lighten up Neo Rougolia. You need to laugh at yourself and your beliefs every once and a while. You are not perfect, and neither are your beliefs. You are wrong sometimes. Just admit it.



I may not be, but God and His Word are.

Fine, just don't be too suprised if you get a fist in the face for doing it IRL...
Well that wouldn't be very Christianly, now would it?

Unless you are claiming humans are perfect

No, only Neo is perfect, or rather, infallible. Didn't you know that? =)

Satire is meant to criticize the corrupt and imperfect. Subjecting perfection Itself to such blasphemy isn't satirical...it's stupid.
Since when is organised religion 'perfection'?

Lighten up Neo Rougolia. You need to laugh at yourself and your beliefs every once and a while. You are not perfect, and neither are your beliefs. You are wrong sometimes. Just admit it.
she's gonig to have an aneurism at a young age and die. The reason? Some one will have told her to her face that God is not real and Christians are all silly puppets

I may not be, but God and His Word are.
Don't make me start, that is a subject for a whole nother thread, one in which you would go insane trying to use "god is perfect therefore you are wrong" "logic" to prove us wrong, somehow

http://www.angelfire.com/ky/nogod/images/Moses.jpg

hehehehe

Yet the "jokes" involve God. If you really must criticize Christians, at least keep God out of it.....
I just want to point out, had anyone missed it, the complete hilarity involved in making a statement like this....

Kind of like saying:
"If you really must criticize gays, at least keep sex out of it...."

Since when is organised religion 'perfection'?



Christianity, when practiced as Christ and the apostle specified, is perfection.

I may not be, but God and His Word are.

So God wrote the Bible? Funny, I thought humans did. Humans make mistakes. Humans translate wrong, and people interpret different things differently. So who's interpratation is right? Mine, or yours, or someone elses? None of them. We don't know exactly what God wants from us. We aren't supposed to.

Christianity, when practiced as Christ and the apostle specified, is perfection.
wait, christianity as practice how JESUS said it should be practices or how PAUL said it should be practiced

I just want to point out, had anyone missed it, the complete hilarity involved in making a statement like this....

Kind of like saying:
"If you really must criticize gays, at least keep sex out of it...."



False analogy hon, homosexuality and sex are not Supreme Beings.

http://www.angelfire.com/ky/nogod/images/Moses.jpg

hehehehe

Angelfire dosen't allow direct linking, I think.

Christianity, when practiced as Christ and the apostle specified, is perfection.
Then humans are able to achieve perfection on this earth huh?

Ihatevacations']wait, christianity as practice how JESUS said it should be practices or how PAUL said it should be practiced



And who gave Paul his authority? Who gave Paul the power to perform miracles? Who stated to His apostles that "If they reject you, they reject Me, and if they reject Me they reject the One who sent Me"? You can't just pick and choose which parts of Christ's will to follow.

So God wrote the Bible? Funny, I thought humans did. Humans make mistakes. Humans translate wrong, and people interpret different things differently. So who's interpratation is right? Mine, or yours, or someone elses? None of them. We don't know exactly what God wants from us. We aren't supposed to.




Yes, because we all know God would allow His only word to mankind to be corrupted by people with their own agendas :rolleyes:

Angelfire dosen't allow direct linking, I think.
http://www.upwardthrust.us/Moses.jpg

Yes, because we all know God would allow His only word to mankind to be corrupted by people with their own agendas :rolleyes:
Apparently so

Then humans are able to achieve perfection on this earth huh?



None of us can fully adhere to Christ's will, but that makes us imperfect, not the Word itself.

Yes, because we all know God would allow His only word to mankind to be corrupted by people with their own agendas :rolleyes:

Well there are tons of interpretations. Which ones are right? Which ones are wrong? Who gets to decide?

Apparently so



Hardly.

Hardly.
Well he has let a lot of people interpret it and re write it with a lot of different meanings ... so whatever this is not a discussion thread so I will stop now

Hardly.
No of course God doesn't let anyone mess around and use their own interpretations. There are not hundreds of recognized sects of Christianity (in addition to hundreds of cults based on it), there are not dozens of translations of the Bible, the Crusades did not happen, the Inquisition did not happen. Stop me if I get cold

Hey, did any of you take this awesome quiz ( http://www.bettybowers.com/bible.html)?

How about this horrible one liner


Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Well there are tons of interpretations. Which ones are right? Which ones are wrong? Who gets to decide?

This should be obvious! Neo Regolia is right and Neo Regolia gets to decide! Anything that disagrees with NR is wrong!

See?

Note: I've had this discussion with Neo before. Even ignoring her posts, I can tell you exactly how the conversation is going - and I can tell you it is utterly useless to even start. Neo is convinced of her own infallibility on interpretation of scripture. Her only argument for her own interpretation is "It's obvious!" and "If you don't agree with me, there is no God."

False analogy hon, homosexuality and sex are not Supreme Beings.
Neither is God, hon. Well, not to poor atheists like me. You're not really taking this whole 'Christianity is perfection' argument seriously are you? Because frankly, it seems pretty trollish of you.

In any case, the point is, you can't talk about Christians without their religion (and by extension, their God) coming into it.

Yes, because we all know God would allow His only word to mankind to be corrupted by people with their own agendas :rolleyes:
Then how do explain that some people are mormons and some people aren't and how the wrong ones managed to get away with it without God doing anything about it.

On a side note, has anyone noticed what happens when you put your cursor over the picture of the granny book on the ordering page? :D

This should be obvious! Neo Regolia is right and Neo Regolia gets to decide! Anything that disagrees with NR is wrong!

See?

Note: I've had this discussion with Neo before. Even ignoring her posts, I can tell you exactly how the conversation is going - and I can tell you it is utterly useless to even start. Neo is convinced of her own infallibility on interpretation of scripture. Her only argument for her own interpretation is "It's obvious!" and "If you don't agree with me, there is no God."



You also seem to have it your head that God Himself is fallible and that His Word is a bunch of mintranslated lies. Nice viewpoint for a Christian ;)

Neither is God, hon. Well, not to poor atheists like me. You're not really taking this whole 'Christianity is perfection' argument seriously are you? Because frankly, it seems pretty trollish of you.



Trolling would be starting this entire topic in the first place and expecting nobody to call you on it...

Hey, did any of you take this awesome quiz ( http://www.bettybowers.com/bible.html)?

I'm so going to Hell. I got every one wrong.

You also seem to have it your head that God Himself is fallible and that His Word is a bunch of mintranslated lies. Nice viewpoint for a Christian ;)
you made that open game. You said God would not let anyone misinterpret his word, yet there are hundreds of sects of christianity (plus hundreds of christian based cults and there is mormonism), there are dozens of different bible interpretations, the chruch controlled europe for hundreds of years with an iron fist, tehre were fights between popes and rulers and popes and other popes, etc etc

Ihatevacations']No of course God doesn't let anyone mess around and use their own interpretations. There are not hundreds of recognized sects of Christianity (in addition to hundreds of cults based on it), there are not dozens of translations of the Bible, the Crusades did not happen, the Inquisition did not happen. Stop me if I get cold



:headbang: It's hard getting this through your head so I'm going to make it loud and simple: HUMANS ARE IMPERFECT. GOD'S WORD IS PERFECT. WE CHERRYPICK THE PARTS WE WANT TO FOLLOW AND IGNORE THE OTHERS. THAT IS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SECTS, BECAUSE MAN WANTS HIS WAY.

Trolling would be starting this entire topic in the first place and expecting nobody to call you on it...
Call you on it? As in point out a fact we are all aware of, that it is a parody? Hardly. Having you lamely proselytizing...well, you're right. It's not trolling. It's just hijacking. Can't you get your own preachy thread?

Ihatevacations']you made that open game. You said God would not let anyone misinterpret his word, yet there are hundreds of sects of christianity (plus hundreds of christian based cults and there is mormonism), there are dozens of different bible interpretations, the chruch controlled europe for hundreds of years with an iron fist, tehre were fights between popes and rulers and popes and other popes, etc etc



Wha?? I never said that. I said He would not allow the only translators of His Word from waaaay back in the day to falter. That would defeat His entire purpose, which is impossible. Anyone who truly seeks God's will shall find it, but only if they are willing to see the Truth regardless of what they want it to be.

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was no God.

He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting." He got down to the last couple of minutes and a big 240-pound football player happened to
walk by the door and heard what the professor said.

The football player walked into the classroom and in the last minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off the platform.

The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did
you come from, and why did you do that?"

The football player replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"

... at least god sent someone big lol

:headbang: It's hard getting this through your head so I'm going to make it loud and simple: HUMANS ARE IMPERFECT. GOD'S WORD IS PERFECT. WE CHERRYPICK THE PARTS WE WANT TO FOLLOW AND IGNORE THE OTHERS. THAT IS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SECTS, BECAUSE MAN WANTS HIS WAY.

So who decides which inerpritation is right? Are the Catholics, the Mormons, the Lutherans, The Baptists, the 'Non-Denominationals'?

Call you on it? As in point out a fact we are all aware of, that it is a parody? Hardly. Having you lamely proselytizing...well, you're right. It's not trolling. It's just hijacking. Can't you get your own preachy thread?
I was thinking the same thing … the website is so obviously over the top that it cant be taken seriously

:headbang: It's hard getting this through your head so I'm going to make it loud and simple: HUMANS ARE IMPERFECT. GOD'S WORD IS PERFECT. WE CHERRYPICK THE PARTS WE WANT TO FOLLOW AND IGNORE THE OTHERS. THAT IS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SECTS, BECAUSE MAN WANTS HIS WAY.
Well, you should love this site then! They say, "We Believe in the WHOLE Bible (1611 KJV). We don't throw out the parts that make us feel uncomfortable, like the book of Leviticus." Isn't that the book that says you should pour molten lead into the ear of those who gossip, and other such crap? Do you ignore that too? Bad Christian! Bad!

:headbang: It's hard getting this through your head so I'm going to make it loud and simple: HUMANS ARE IMPERFECT. GOD'S WORD IS PERFECT. WE CHERRYPICK THE PARTS WE WANT TO FOLLOW AND IGNORE THE OTHERS. THAT IS WHY THERE ARE SO MANY SECTS, BECAUSE MAN WANTS HIS WAY.
How do we know his word? God himself didn't write his word down, man did; however, man is imperfect, THEREFORE we cannot know what His Word ACTUALLY IS. Therefore we are all going to hell. Unless God speaks directly to you Neo since you are apparently infallible, but that contradicts humans are not perfect.

So you admit God let people misinterpret his word?

Call you on it? As in point out a fact we are all aware of, that it is a parody? Hardly. Having you lamely proselytizing...well, you're right. It's not trolling. It's just hijacking. Can't you get your own preachy thread?


And, as I stated earlier, attempting to satirize God's Word is trolling. If you don't want someone to admonish you for it, don't do it. Find something imperfect to direct your sardonic tone at.

Wha?? I never said that. I said He would not allow the only translators of His Word from waaaay back in the day to falter. That would defeat His entire purpose, which is impossible. Anyone who truly seeks God's will shall find it, but only if they are willing to see the Truth regardless of what they want it to be.Sorry to break it to you, my dear, but what we call the new testament was compiled by a pagan emporer that jumped on the oportunity to keep himself in power by accepting a growing faith. There is a lot they left out of the NT, there was quite a bit of gospel around at the time, see the Dead Sea Scrolls, but there are only a handpicked few in the actual NT.

And, as I stated earlier, attempting to satirize God's Word is trolling. If you don't want someone to admonish you for it, don't do it. Find something imperfect to direct your sardonic tone at.

Your the only one upset over this. IT'S A JOKE, GENIUS! A JOKE! THEY DON'T AGREE WITH YOU 100%! GET OVER IT! :headbang: :headbang: :headbang:

Ihatevacations']How do we know his word? God himself didn't write his word down, man did; however, man is imperfect, THEREFORE we cannot know what His Word ACTUALLY IS. Therefore we are all going to hell. Unless God speaks directly to you Neo since you are apparently infallible, but that contradicts humans are not perfect.

So you admit God let people misinterpret his word?



God would not allow the original translators to make grave errors, for that would kinda mess up Christianity, would it not? Is it not logical to assume that, assuming God's true will was for us to follow his word, he wouldn't let men mess the most critical translations up? Divine guidance is perfection, it was not they themselves who translated it but God did it through them.

And, as I stated earlier, attempting to satirize God's Word is trolling. If you don't want someone to admonish you for it, don't do it. Find something imperfect to direct your sardonic tone at.
Maybe, but we didn't satirize it. We're only laughing about it.

Sorry to break it to you, my dear, but what we call the new testament was compiled by a pagan emporer that jumped on the oportunity to keep himself in power by accepting a growing faith. There is a lot they left out of the NT, there was quite a bit of gospel around at the time, see the Dead Sea Scrolls, but there are only a handpicked few in the actual NT.



They left out certain epistles, but, as they were the only source of the Bible, do you think God would let them foil His plan? Anything that made it into the Bible must have been His will.

God would not allow the original translators to make grave errors, for that would kinda mess up Christianity, would it not? Is it not logical to assume that, assuming God's true will was for us to follow his word, he wouldn't let men mess the most critical translations up? Divine guidance is perfection, it was not they themselves who translated it but God did it through them.Then how come he allows such things as mormonism? I mean, what's the point of putting the message out when you know it's going to get quoted out of context?

God would not allow the original translators to make grave errors, for that would kinda mess up Christianity, would it not? Is it not logical to assume that, assuming God's true will was for us to follow his word, he wouldn't let men mess the most critical translations up? Divine guidance is perfection, it was not they themselves who translated it but God did it through them.
this is too easy

so he wouldn't let the original translators mess up, but how do we know what THEY wrote, God obviously let subsequent translators mess up, but you said man is not perfect, but God wouldn't want people to misenterpret his word, why did he let people continue to misinterpret his word after the first translation? It is illogic that God said "ah fuck it, they can do what they want" after the original transcription (the first time would be a transcription becuase it wouldnt be on paper). So assumnig it is God's will for us to follow his word, we are all doomed to hell because it is impossible to follow God's word because reality proves we do not know what God's true word is

They left out certain epistles, but, as they were the only source of the Bible, do you think God would let them foil His plan? Anything that made it into the Bible must have been His will.
but why would he let composers of the new testament leave out other writs that were also his word.

God would not allow the original translators to make grave errors, for that would kinda mess up Christianity, would it not? Is it not logical to assume that, assuming God's true will was for us to follow his word, he wouldn't let men mess the most critical translations up? Divine guidance is perfection, it was not they themselves who translated it but God did it through them.
That or god did not inspire the writing man did and god is just back there having a good laugh at us and cant wait till he gets to surprise us when we dye by everyone being saved cause he loves us all

They left out certain epistles, but, as they were the only source of the Bible, do you think God would let them foil His plan? Anything that made it into the Bible must have been His will.

People can do this thing called IGNORE GOD. I give up, this is like trying to teach a tree to do flips.

They left out certain epistles, but, as they were the only source of the Bible, do you think God would let them foil His plan? Anything that made it into the Bible must have been His will.What about the books of mormon then? Why'd he let them in?

Christianity, when practiced as Christ and the apostle specified, is perfection.


Yeshu taught his disciples to teach through behavior, and to answer questions and problems posed to them. He taught them how to listen, how to understand, how to learn, and how to consider.

Subsequent translations of stories written down (at least) 5 years after the death of Yeshu have credited the Christ with teaching his followers to preach aloud to the masses. Also, subsequent interpretations have placed subtle emphasis on Paul over Christ. This last comes as a legacy of the Catholic Church, which denounced, amongst other things, an ancient religious text used by both Judaic followers and early Christians, on the grounds that it was "heretical" and "blasphemous".


Seriously, if you want to preach about the Bible, and emphasis the "whole Bible" strain, I hope you know Aramaic, Ancient Greek, and Ancient Hebrew, amongst other languages, and have read (or possibly even own copies of) such works as The Book of Enoch.

Kids bible interpretations !


The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (ie. bad spelling has been left in):

'In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.'

'Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.'

'Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.'

'Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.'

'Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.'

'The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.'

'Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.'

'Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.'

'Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.'

'The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the 10 amendments.'

'The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.'

'The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.'

'Moses died before he ever reached Canada.'

'Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.'

'The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.'

'David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.'

'Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.'

'When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.'

'When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.'

�Jesus was born because Man had an immaculate contraption.'

'St John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.'

�Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.'

'He also explained, "A man doth not live by sweat alone."'

'It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.'

'The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.'

'The epistles were the wives of the apostles.'

'One of the opossums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.'

'St Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.'

'A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'

Bless their little hearts!

And, as I stated earlier, attempting to satirize God's Word is trolling. If you don't want someone to admonish you for it, don't do it. Find something imperfect to direct your sardonic tone at.
Sorry...are you a mod? Because if you aren't, you have no authority to 'admonish'. I don't believe in your god, and I will mock it all I desire, as long as I do so within the rules of this forum.

Kids bible interpretations !
You bastard! I just choked on my bagel and almost died! Those were hilarious!!!!

You bastard! I just choked on my bagel and almost died! Those were hilarious!!!!

You watsed a good bagel! Shame on you!

What about the books of mormon then? Why'd he let them in?



Galatians 1:8-9 8 But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed. 9 As we have said before, so now I say again, if anyone preaches any other gospel to you than what you have received, let him be accursed.



Matthew 7:15 15 “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. 16 You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore by their fruits you will know them.



Matthew 24:11-13 11 Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many. 12 And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold. 13 But he who endures to the end shall be saved.



Matthew 24:24 24 For false christs and false prophets will rise and show great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.



2 Peter 2:1 1 But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, and bring on themselves swift destruction.



1 John 4:1 1 Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.

Sorry...are you a mod? Because if you aren't, you have no authority to 'admonish'. I don't believe in your god, and I will mock it all I desire, as long as I do so within the rules of this forum.



And I will correct your false mockeries and deceitful sayings, without the rules of this forum of course ;)

<Bible quotes>These all sound like they're trying to get whoever it is that reads them to make sure they're not falling into some trap. The people that wrote this are by no means the people that compiled the Bible, so how can you be sure that the compilers aren't the false prophets?

And I will correct your false mockeries and deceitful sayings, without the rules of this forum of course ;)
Trust me, my mockeries are truthful and in earnest. By the way, I didn't create this thread, or this site...perhaps you should leave us alone to enjoy it, and instead direct your outrage to those who put the site up in the first place?

OOoohh...they have a FORUM (http://www.landoverbaptist.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=3953)!!!!

This might be it...I might be converted to Christianity....

Oh come on...we didn't really let Neo R's ranting take the fun out of this site, did we? Check these great bumper stickers ( http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/52680) out!

oooh...but these buttons (http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/75553) are even better....

Oh come on...we didn't really let Neo R's ranting take the fun out of this site, did we? Check these great bumper stickers ( http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/52680) out!

oooh...but these buttons (http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/75553) are even better....I guess everyone only really stuck around to attack Neo R...

Oh come on...we didn't really let Neo R's ranting take the fun out of this site, did we? Check these great bumper stickers ( http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/52680) out!

oooh...but these buttons (http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/75553) are even better....

:D

My favorite was "I love Satan" followed by "Heathen" in bold black letters.

:D

My favorite was "I love Satan" followed by "Heathen" in bold black letters.
I liked the one about god killing children and you not having permission to do so...

I like their thongs ( http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/429363), especially the ''speak to me in tongues" and the one that says "what would Jesus do?"

You bastard! I just choked on my bagel and almost died! Those were hilarious!!!!
My fav was
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.'

LOL

I like their thongs ( http://www.cafepress.com/landoverbaptist/429363), especially the ''speak to me in tongues" and the one that says "what would Jesus do?"
I like their “my priest molested your honor role student” bumper sticker

I know I should not laugh ... but even to one who HAS been molested by their priest (me) it is still funny

You also seem to have it your head that God Himself is fallible and that His Word is a bunch of mintranslated lies. Nice viewpoint for a Christian ;)

I love the way you lie through your teeth Neo. This is why I normally have you on ignore.

I challenge you to demonstrate anything I have ever said that in any way suggests this. I said that you were fallible and that I am fallible. I pointed out that the Bible was written down by fallible men. I said that we all try to interpret God's infallible guidance through our own fallible minds.

I have never, in anything I have said on these forums, suggested that God is fallible or that God's Word is any type of lies, mistranslated or not.

Here is an oldie but a goodie


A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

Here is an oldie but a goodie

:p :p :p :p

:p :p :p :p
Lol old school


Here is another kids one


The following are actual questions written to pastors from children across the world.

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston

Lol old school


Here is another kids one
Do you know the collection of announcements in churches that were funny because of typos or because they could be interpreted differently? I haven't seen that one around in a while...

Do you know the collection of announcements in churches that were funny because of typos or because they could be interpreted differently? I haven't seen that one around in a while...
Not off hand but I will search

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0100/investigation.html

Ok found them


Bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

Do you know the collection of announcements in churches that were funny because of typos or because they could be interpreted differently? I haven't seen that one around in a while...
Ah! Here's one (http://www.catholic-pages.com/grabbag/bloopers.asp).

EDIT: there's some on this one that aren't on yours... :D

Ok found them
These are flipping priceless! This thread is going in my bookmarks for later perusal and laughter!

Ah! Here's one (http://www.catholic-pages.com/grabbag/bloopers.asp).
Ha I got it first!

These are flipping priceless! This thread is going in my bookmarks for later perusal and laughter!
I posted more kiddy mistakes a few posts before that :) figured you might enjoy it

I posted more kiddy mistakes a few posts before that :) figured you might enjoy itPity that Neo R isn't around to chide us for our blasphemy... :(

Pity that Neo R isn't around to chide us for our blasphemy... :(
Not really. It's much more pleasant not being preached at. And my troll senses still tingle whenever she is around...am I the only one who thinks she takes it to extremes just to piss people off?

Pity that Neo R isn't around to chide us for our blasphemy... :(
That’s ok I decided that I personally don’t care what she interprets out of a book for me there is nothing to irreverent to make a joke about

Hell I was even laughing at the priest molestation jokes in other threads even though I had been molested by my priest

(not meaning I find every joke funny but just about any category I can groan smile and chuckle about at least one or two jokes)

That’s ok I decided that I personally don’t care what she interprets out of a book for me there is nothing to irreverent to make a joke about

Hell I was even laughing at the priest molestation jokes in other threads even though I had been molested by my priest

(not meaning I find every joke funny but just about any category I can groan smile and chuckle about at least one or two jokes)I just think it's fun to discuss stuff like that with her. It's funny and scary at the same time to actually talk to a person like that.

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1202/twotowers.html


Christian Moviegoers Beware!
The Two Towers is Homo Slang For Erect Hobbit Penises


The new movie, The Two Towers makes up for its lack of on screen sex scenes with some of the most horrifying, blood wrenching violence ever to splatter the silver screen. "That's why, at first glance, the film is very appealing to True Christians®," says Pastor Deacon Fred. "However, we must be careful not to get overly excited about movies that come so close to depicting what our loving Lord Jesus has in store for sinners

LOL

We can't expect secular film critics to understand what Satan is doing with this movie. They don't have the scholarly Christian background necessary to understand all the nuances of God's otherwise seemingly insane Word
LOL thats great!!! ... insane word

LOL thats great!!! ... insane word
LI (I'm in a library... :( LOL is not an option...)
It's hilarious... :D

Peter Jackson intentionally crosses the lines of moral decency by blurring the gender identity of the Dark Lord Sauron. "It's fairly clear that they are trying to get us to think of The Dark Lord Sauron as a man, and then that fat little pervert of a director peppers in the notion that he is also a woman, sort of like that Jamie Lee Curtis person,"

How he dragged her into it I dont know lol

Not really. It's much more pleasant not being preached at. And my troll senses still tingle whenever she is around...am I the only one who thinks she takes it to extremes just to piss people off?

No, I think you are right - which is why I have put her on ignore.

Ok I am going to post it here cause all the sudden there are lots of quizzes and mine managed to be shut down in the midst of them (honestly I did not see it I was just browsing the archives

But anyways here it is lol
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0201/biblesex.html

Even though Iam a charismatic Christian I couldn’t stop having a little chuckle at the site, and I failed that Bible Quiz

There was an Atheist Man running through the woods being followed by a hungry bear stumbling over as the bear caught hoping that bear doesn’t eat him not wishing to pray to God he looks up as the bear puts his paws together and says "Thank You Yahweh for food"

Even though Iam a charismatic Christian I couldn’t stop having a little chuckle at the site, and I failed that Bible Quiz

There was an Atheist Man running through the woods being followed by a hungry bear stumbling over as the bear caught hoping that bear doesn’t eat him not wishing to pray to God he looks up as the bear puts his paws together and says "Thank You Yahweh for food"
Lol nice

They also sell this book:
TAMPONS: Satan's Little Cotton Fingers by Sister Taffy Crockett
Oh Taffy, you little devil, you!
:D :D :D

And look here:
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0500/femsoul.html
Women do not have souls! Would that the reason women can't read maps?
:D

No, I think you are right - which is why I have put her on ignore.I don't know. Someone that will actually make the effort to pull out a bunch of Bible quotes has got to be real.