NationStates Jolt Archive

Yupaenu's Satirical Guide to Politics

26-07-2005, 22:17
Greetings, and welcome to Yupaenu's Satirical Guide to Politics(c)!
(all rights rejected, no distribution allowed)

Table of Contents

Economies- page 1
Societies- page 3.1415
Famous Politicians- page PIE
How to Be a Good Politician- page 4


Economies are the way people steal from other people. This can be done directly, indirectly, bought(the government is ussually the rich people in these economies), or denied(although it still happends, the governments just pretend it doesn't(these governments just advertise that they pretend not to steal)).

Direct- Government takes all produce.
Indirect- Government takes shares of produces through taxes and tarrifs, but through constant trade of produce, it eventually all goes to the government.
Denied- The people who don't want to work pass laws to make them get an equal share of whatever anyone else produces, claiming that they aren't stealing because everyone gets a share.
Bought- The government buys anything that the people make from them, sometimes through forced means. In some cases very similiar to indirect.

People follow economies that they are in the situation to recieve the most benifits from.

Following is a list of the different types of economies, using this format:

codename of followers:
mine/your statement:
stealing method(s): (indicated with d for direct, i for indirect, b for bought, and n for denied.)


codename of followers: Pigs
mine/your statement: what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. i bought your share.
stealing method(s): i/b

codename of followers: Dogs
mine/your statement: what's mine is the governments and what's yours is the governments.
stealing method(s): d/sometimes n

codename of followers: Surfers
mine/your statement: what's mine is M'Lords, and what's yours is M'Lords
stealing method(s): d/i/b

codename of followers: Bums
mine/your statement: what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
stealing method(s): n

codename of followers: Terrorists
mine/your statement: whatever i can find is mine, whatever you can find i'll steal from you.
stealing method(s): b


Social systems are the means by which people try to control others for their benifit. The main varient in social systems is how many people that they can benifit, although the amount of benifit usually inverses directly to the amount of people, so the smaller benifit systems are more used by people who aren't able to control the rest of the people alone, but still want the benifits, therefore, which governmental social system people follow are ussually dependant on they're own ability to control the rest of the population.

Sometimes multiple government followers are in each country, such as religions in non-theocracies.

Following is a list of the different types of societies, using this format:

codename of followers:
amount of people per benifit:
methods of gaining power:


Direct Democracy
codename of followers: Non-individualists
amount of people per benifit: the majority of people in a country.
methods of gaining power: This method has the least benifit, but also requires the least control, so is the common lazy way out.

codename of followers: Fools
amount of people per benifit: few, either leader of religion or group of leaders.
methods of gaining power: Spreading lies to convince the weak minded to support a person or groups of people. The strongest believers are often allowed to gain slight but useless power by the people in the top who know the trueth to give the illusion of a real society.

codename of followers: Liers
amount of people per benifit: The few "voted" in.
methods of gaining power: People will disguise themselves as what they call 'politicians' and will convince people that they would inact laws and things to the people's intreasts. These people then will do a preform a hoax modeled off of a direct democracy to make it seem as if the people get to vote them into power, by rigging elections and having people say who they want. votes aren't counted, as whoever has the most money is able to buy out the other competitors to convince them that they shouldn't run, so they concede from the election and the richest wins.

codename of followers: tyrants
amount of people per benifit: one.
methods of gaining power: Ussually just pure force, with the help of a small number of people the dictator is likely to kill after they get into power.

codename of followers:
amount of people per benifit: depends on how long dynasty lasts, but ussually small ammounts.
methods of gaining power: Claims to be desendant from people they make up and say they were great leaders, and then rule is passed down each generation.


Being a politician is very simple. There is a simple 10 step plan one can follow if they wish to do so:
1. tell people what they want, and make shure you have intricly made lies to back it up.
2. if there is any opposition, thing of something that they do that logically sounds bad, if you put it in another context to what it was to make it sound worse.
3. agree with your opposition, then you can possibly gain followers from them, while keeping your own.
4. state as many different opinions as possible, but do it subtley.
5. get money, money is almost an unfailable way to get into power.
6. it helps to become friends with people in high powers, even if you don't agree with them, as you can get rid of them when you're done.
10. if all else fails, use force.

(note: yupaenu does not endorse these opinions.)
what do you think? anything to add?
also, i was trying to think of the worst possible way of putting it, but i'm not shure if other people actually think that way, so i'm sorry if i've offended any of you.
Al galicia
26-07-2005, 22:37
thats sweet Yupenau!! Insightful to the nth degree

freaking brilliant, and your command of the english language, though imperfect is better than most american public school graduates, i might add
26-07-2005, 22:40
thats sweet Yupenau!! Insightful to the nth degree

freaking brilliant, and your command of the english language, though imperfect is better than most american public school graduates, i might add
hahahaha! i think that's the first time anyone's complimented my english, because i'm native to yopensa. if you heard me speak it you wouldn't think so.
Israelities et Buddist
26-07-2005, 22:48
My my what do we have here.

lol that kicked arse!!! The way you used words that I am sure most Americans dont know is great! :p I mean really we gotta keep deceiving them somehow. :rolleyes:
Neo Kervoskia
26-07-2005, 23:13
If you want to know the truth, that's actually true.

And I'm a fascist as heart. :)
26-07-2005, 23:21
If you want to know the truth, that's actually true.

And I'm a fascist as heart. :)

i like fascism, i was going to add it to economies, but i unfortunantly couldn't think of any bad way to word a mine/your statement. what it seems like it would be is "what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours, and you have to work to get it" but it doesn't seem like anything is wronge with that. when one can't find something bad about something they think is right, then something is wronge.
27-07-2005, 03:08
Aww, noone likes it? i spent a long time working on it, oh well.

well, Bump, then.
Free Soviets
27-07-2005, 03:31
i like fascism, i was going to add it to economies, but i unfortunantly couldn't think of any bad way to word a mine/your statement.

what's mine is the dictator's and what's yours is the dictator's, and he truly is the greatest human being to ever live.
Neo Kervoskia
27-07-2005, 16:12
I won't let this thread die, bump.
The NAS Rebels
27-07-2005, 16:37
Hahahaha that was great, major props!
28-07-2005, 02:35

anyone can add to it.
Neo Kervoskia
28-07-2005, 02:40

anyone can add to it.
Now that you mention that, I do have a list of tips for future politicians to add onto your's.
1. This rule is by far the most important, always cover yourself. You don't need facts per se, and even if you haven't any, clever rhetoric will suffice. If you lack either one then what ever you said will return to bite you in the ass.Never let the people know your true motives.

2. This rule is more for protecting you against political enemies. Always abide by the 'never say never' rule. This means you must never, under any circumstances, say you never did this or that. I will draw an example from a former president, "I never had sexual relations with that woman." You may dodge the question, but never deny it unless you are either prepared to defend your claim or if you don't it will end your political career.

3. I call this rule the 'Billy Carter rule'. This relates to family members. If you have any homosexual or illegitimate children, make that fact extremely well-hidden, lest you want to be attacked by the press. This also applies to siblings and parents. If they're already distant, make them even more so.

4. Never, whether it be a debate or a press conference, be direct. You should always remain esoteric and make your answers riddled in so-called 'buzzwords' and talking points from the party line.

5.This is the 'Hitler rule'. Basically it means you should come to every rally and scheduled appearances late. Never be punctual. In theory this will make the crowd all the more eager to hear what you have to say.

6. Pre-emptive attacks are your dearest friends. You must always attack your opponent before he she even conceives of attacking you. This will give you the upper hand. If they do attack you apply the concept of 'an eye for an eye', except take it a step further, 'an eye for two eyes.' Opportunism is a must in politics. It is required for survival.

7. Play the values card. Claim that you share the same values as the voters and possess the moral fiber to their elected official. Claim your opponent does not and label him or an ideologue and an elitist. When it comes to religion it is safest to claim to be Christian, more specifically a protestant.

8.Claim that every decision you have made and will make has and will benefit the people. Claim that the opposite is true of your opponent.

9.Label everyone. Take advantage of the fact that most people in the United States think within terms of black and white and the left-right political system. People are afraid of extreme so claim to be a 'moderate'.

10. The final rule is, always abide by the party line.You should join a party and use that parties reputation to your advantage