NationStates Jolt Archive

... because I need some serious cheering up. Really.

It was a bad day, work was difficult, I came home to find a really frightening telephone bill in the mail, and I have the distinct feeling that the relationship I'm having at the moment is about to break up.

Ok, so I always knew it wasn't going anywhere anyways, circumstances were against it, and he probably wasn't good for me in the first place, and yet I'm sitting here crying my heart out ... :(

A joke, a funny picture, anything you've got would be appreciated

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Knock, knock
Who’s there.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It’s a knock, knock joke.
Oops.

Once upon a time, there lived a magical frog. This magical frog had never seen another animal in his live, but one day, as he was merrily skipping through the Great Forrest, he stumbled upon a bear, who happened to be chasing after a rabbit.
The magical frog said: "Because you are the only other living animals I have ever encountered in my life, I will grant both of you three wishes!"

The bear was the first to ake a wish. "I wish I were the ONLY MALE BEAR in the Great Forest," he roared.

"It is done," the magical frog replied.

The rabbit smirked, and wished for a motorcycle.

"It is done," the magical frog replied.

The bear, getting a bit greedy and excited, made his second wish. "I wish for all the bears in the land, except me, to become FEMALE!!!"

"It is done," the magical frog replied.

The rabbit was only barely holding back his laughter, and wished for a motorcycle helmet.

"It is done," the magical frog replied.

The bear was getting very excited by now, and screamed out his final wish. "I WANT ALL THE BEARS, EXCEPT ME, IN ALL THE WORLD, TO BECOME FEMAAAAALE!!!!!"

"It is done," the magical frog replied.

The rabbit started laughing so hard, he couldn't speak his final wish. The bear was getting a tad annoyed. "What are you going to wish for now, silly rabbit? A carrot? Hahaha."

But when the rabbit was calmed down, he didn't speak. He just smiled. And calmly walked over to his motorcycle, got on, put on his helmet and started the engine. As he was speeding away, he looked back and yelled: "I want the bear to become gay!!!!!"

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"
In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldnt get on the bed!"

Thanks :D

joke or something.

French Joke:
How many French soldiers does it take to protect Paris?
No one knows, they never tried!

GIF images:
http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/6272/11206341245845io.gif (Weird!)
http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/9160/11211414174884nn.gif (Family Guy!)
http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/1733/11216472573686sj.gif (Calvin and Hobbes)
http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/7324/11217175604905zx.gif (Petercopter!)
http://img351.imageshack.us/img351/8599/11217508170005ro.gif (More Family Guy!)
http://img351.imageshack.us/img351/1760/deatup2em.gif (I love violence...)
http://img51.imageshack.us/img51/6554/wtf2jq.gif (Thought I'd leave you confused)

Lemme see if any of the quotes/excerpts from my life are good enough.*goes to check* Damn, they're on the other computer. Lemme try to think of something. Gah. The best ones I have are probably too inappropriate for NS. *anger*

... because I need some serious cheering up. Really.

It was a bad day, work was difficult, I came home to find a really frightening telephone bill in the mail, and I have the distinct feeling that the relationship I'm having at the moment is about to break up.

Ok, so I always knew it wasn't going anywhere anyways, circumstances were against it, and he probably wasn't good for me in the first place, and yet I'm sitting here crying my heart out ... :(

A joke, a funny picture, anything you've got would be appreciated



Knock knock!

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad to see me? :D

An Irishman, an Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks up and asks them "Is this meant to be some kind of joke?"

An Irishman, an Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks up and asks them "Is this meant to be some kind of joke?"

*lol :D

Three men walk into a bar.
The fourth one ducks.

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman asks him 'Why the long face?'

Three men walk into a bar.
The fourth one ducks.

*giggle... Sometimes the simple ones are the best ones...

*giggle... Sometimes the simple ones are the best ones...Did you see my thread on how my TV got rained on and it didn't work anymore? I put a towel underneath it and tilted it to let the water run out. After it dried, it worked again (phew).

Edit: Thanks for laughing. I was almost going to mention that post on the embarassing posts thread...

listen to this http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=434283 - cheers me up :)

Did you see my thread on how my TV got rained on and it didn't work anymore? I put a towel underneath it and tilted it to let the water run out. After it dried, it worked again (phew).

Edit: Thanks for laughing. I was almost going to mention that post on the embarassing posts thread...

How did you get your TV rained on? You're not even in Ireland, for goodness sake.

You seem to hold a grudge about that "favourite thing". I didn't realise it was this bad, honestly...

Colodia great Family Guy gifs especially! The other day I was looking for a reference to some sort of elaborate contraption like that for some reason (which I can't remember now) and couldnt find one. I think I'll steal yours just in case it comes up in the future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~JOKE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up and totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her, dragged her up on the beach, and discovered, yes, she was alive.

One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long time. Do you think we should, ...you know, screw her?"

The second lawyer, asked, "Out of what?

How did you get your TV rained on? You're not even in Ireland, for goodness sake.

You seem to hold a grudge about that "favourite thing". I didn't realise it was this bad, honestly...I left my window open. This is Germany after all. Actually, the only time I've been to Ireland, we had great weather. It was during the whole foot and mouth disease hype, so we got to see the St. Patrick's Day parade, as we were lucky enough to be in Dublin the day they had postponed it to.

Anyway, no grudge because of the hobby thread. I'm just poking sticks at you... :p

Cold war joke from my history book:
An Englishman, Frenchman and a Russian were arguing about what nationality Adam and Eve were.
The Englishman said that because they were embarassed about their nakedness, they must have been English.
The Frenchman said that because of all their passion, they must have been French.
The Russian disagreed and said that they must have been Russian - only a Russian could own nothing but an apple and two fig leaves and still believe he was in paradise.

I have some more but they're either long-winded or obscene. :p

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b45/Norwinkie/Mums20Spit.jpg

50 Years & Still Hot!
--------------------------

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years?"

"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman giggles, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

More jokes (it's late and I'm tired, so it took some time to remember them)

Two engineers meet on the road. One of them is walking, the other is on a nice motorcycle.
First Engineer: That's some motorcycle, where'd you get it?
Second Engineer: The wierdest thing happend: I was walking along the road when suddenly a woman came by on the motorcycle, stopped, ripped off all her clothes and said "Take what you want!"
First Engineer: Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit.


There's a Frenchman, an American, and a Russian all stranded on a remote island since 1972. Then one day, they find a magic lamp and rub it. Out pops a genie and says:
"Alright. I'm not too happy that you woke me up, so here's the deal: Since there's three of you, you each get one wish."
The Frenchman decides to go first.
"Oh, I vant to go back to ze Champs-Elysee and eat baguettes and croissants again!"
*POOF* the Frenchman disappears back to Gay Paree
Then the American speaks up:
"I wanna go back to the US of A and to hot dogs and air conditioning."
*POOF* the American vanishes and finds himself back in the States.
Then it's the Russian's turn.
"Hm... I don't really vant to go back to Mother Russia, and it is kind of lonely here, so I wish that they both come back."

http://www.spilya.com/albums/FunnyAnimals/funnyape.jpg

I think thats his big toe he's holding with his foot.

*rofl....

Guys, you ARE great. And now that I'm laughing again, I'll put myself to bed.

Good night :fluffle:

I found these on bash.org, a catalog of funny (and sometimes not funny) internet conversations. Often, they're funny just because those involved demonstrate severe stupidity. These are some of my favorite recent (and not so recent) quotations. They usually tend to cheer me up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

<Zoiks> its my birthday in two weeks :D
<Zoiks> I'mma throw a big party and invite all my friends
<Zoiks> dude, I need to start making plans
<+madhtr003> and friends


<Matt> Hey, I just realized...
<HazeMan> What?
<Matt> While encountered together in captivity, in the wild, the stapler and the staple remover are natural enemies.
<HazeMan> O_o


<infoe> silmaril: what about jesus on the cross
<infoe> and he calls to peter
<infoe> and peter tries to approach
<infoe> and the roman guards prevent him with violence
<infoe> they blacken his eye
<infoe> and scuff him up pretty good
<infoe> and jesus calls him again
<infoe> <jesus> peter.
<infoe> and peter cries "i'm coming lord" and throws himself at the guards
<infoe> who beat him roughly and break his arm
<infoe> at which point he whimpers off
<infoe> again jesus calls to peter <jesus> peter...
<infoe> peter yells to christ "i am coming!" and he throws himself at the guards again
<infoe> putting up a vicious struggle but not laying a hand of violence on the guards
<infoe> finally they concent to let him pass
<infoe> and peter .. his broken arm.. badly bruised and slashed makes it before jesus and kneels and says "i am here father what is it that you want of me?"
<infoe> <jesus> peter, i can see your house from here


<possessed27> i <3 philosophy
<prop4g4nd4p4nd4> wtf does that mean
<possessed27> rotate it 90 degrees, you foo
<prop4g4nd4p4nd4> wtf
<prop4g4nd4p4nd4> i "ball sac" philosophy?


Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."

miLKm4n2kj: there's a police scanner in my room at work
miLKm4n2kj: it's fun to listen to
miLKm4n2kj: it would be more fun if i could memorize this police code
IcEmanhAxx0r: lol
IcEmanhAxx0r: look at this one
IcEmanhAxx0r: 11-25X Female motorist needs assistance
miLKm4n2kj: that seems rather specific doesn't it?
miLKm4n2kj: 11-25Y = male motorist nees assistance?
IcEmanhAxx0r: No.
miLKm4n2kj: why?
IcEmanhAxx0r: male motorists don't need assistance


<Sui88> 67% of girls are stupid
<V-girl> i belong with the other 13%


<Patrician|Away> what does your robot do, sam
<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls


<+darthpony> geez dude
<+darthpony> with my last gf
<+darthpony> I made the most terrible fruedian slip
<+darthpony> we were sitting at breakfast the one day, and I wanted to ask her "pass the sugar please"
<+darthpony> instead I said "you're ruining my life, you fucking bitch"


<Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
<Lucent> who?
<Thumb> center for disease control
<Lucent> i said WHO
<Thumb> what? i'm asking you
<Lucent> World Health Organization


<FreeFrag> The most secure computer in the world is one not connected to the internet.
<FreeFrag> Thats why I recommend AOL


Edofnor> #1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?"

French Joke:
How many French soldiers does it take to protect Paris?
No one knows, they never tried!

GIF images:
http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/6272/11206341245845io.gif (Weird!)
http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/9160/11211414174884nn.gif (Family Guy!)
http://img10.imageshack.us/img10/1733/11216472573686sj.gif (Calvin and Hobbes)
http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/7324/11217175604905zx.gif (Petercopter!)
http://img351.imageshack.us/img351/8599/11217508170005ro.gif (More Family Guy!)
http://img351.imageshack.us/img351/1760/deatup2em.gif (I love violence...)
http://img51.imageshack.us/img51/6554/wtf2jq.gif (Thought I'd leave you confused)
woah excellent FG gifs! :p


here's one i made a couple of years back (was me favourite bit of FG at the time :D )

http://www.hlj.me.uk/Copy_of_Quagmire_GIF_small_smaller%20short.gif

Cold war joke from my history book:I've got one that got the inventor (a fifteen year old boy) jailed. It happened to be about and told in the former GDR, aka East Germany:

George Bush (the older one), Mikhail Gorbachow (last head of the USSR), and Erich Honnecker (Head Honcho of the GDR) were in some African country running from a local tribe of cannibals. One by one, they all attempted to get the cannibals to leave them alone.
George Bush promised each of the cannibals a thousand dollars hard cash. But what do cannibals want with money? Needless to say, it didn't work.
So they kept running and it was Gorby's turn. He promised the cannibals eternal peace in communism, which incedentally, didn't convince the hungry cannibals either.
So it was up to Honnecker to save the lot. After a short moment, he yelled "In 50 meters you will enter the sovereign territory of the German Democratic Republic!" and the cannibals disappeared.

New cow jokes..

INFOSYSism [An Indian IT company]
You have a thousand poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, and
send
them one at a time to the US for milking.

WIPROism

GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

DELLism

Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both and sell it
as
Cow's milk.

IBMism

You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to unsuspecting
small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism

You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million
dollars to feed poorer cows.

INTELism

Microsoft makes horse shoes. You nail them to your cows and wonder why
they don't run fast.

SUNism

You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism

You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools
to
help milk cows.

SAPism

You don't have a cow. You sell milking solutions for cows implimented
by
milking consultants.

APPLEism

You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism

You have a cow. You spend 50 million dollars to develop the world's
thinnest milk.

3Mism

You have a cow that gives 10 gallons of milk per day. You sell the
manure
as a "High-performance Agricultural Additive".

HPism

You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking
solutions through Authorized Resellers only.

GEism

You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If
someone
finds out, that's his imagination at work.

TATAism

You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

CITIBANKism

Welcome to citibank. If you have a cow, press one. If you have a bull,
press two.....stay on the line if you would like our customer care
officer
to milk it for you...

Two slightly tipsy leprechauns walk up to the doors of a convent and knock politely.

The Mother Superior answers.

The first leprechaun whips off his hat and inquires, "Beggin' yer pardon Mother Superior, but do ye perhaps have any leprechaun nuns in this here convent?"

The Mother Superior smiles benevolently and shakes her head, "I'm afraid not, my child."

"Well, do ye perhaps know of any leprechaun nuns nearby?"

"No, I'm sorry to say that I do not."

The first little man scratches his head and finally asks, "well, would ye perhaps have heard of any leprechaun nuns anywhere?

Patiently, the Mother Superior replies that she has not.

Whereupon the first leprechaun turns to the other and yells, "There! I told ye ya did it with a penguin!"

<infoe> silmaril: what about jesus on the cross
<infoe> and he calls to peter
<infoe> and peter tries to approach
<infoe> and the roman guards prevent him with violence
<infoe> they blacken his eye
<infoe> and scuff him up pretty good
<infoe> and jesus calls him again
<infoe> <jesus> peter.
<infoe> and peter cries "i'm coming lord" and throws himself at the guards
<infoe> who beat him roughly and break his arm
<infoe> at which point he whimpers off
<infoe> again jesus calls to peter <jesus> peter...
<infoe> peter yells to christ "i am coming!" and he throws himself at the guards again
<infoe> putting up a vicious struggle but not laying a hand of violence on the guards
<infoe> finally they concent to let him pass
<infoe> and peter .. his broken arm.. badly bruised and slashed makes it before jesus and kneels and says "i am here father what is it that you want of me?"


Alternatively "Save me an egg, I'll be back for Easter".

I found these on bash.org, a catalog of funny (and sometimes not funny) internet conversations. Often, they're funny just because those involved demonstrate severe stupidity. These are some of my favorite recent (and not so recent) quotations. They usually tend to cheer me up.

I've actually got a pretty funny one too. It's from a blind date forum. One of the chatters typed: To download the newest version of the chatterbox, click alt and F4 simultaneously.
There's about five or six names that have the text "has left the conversation" immediatly afterwards... :p

tadaaa! my old favourite bit of Family Guy: http://www.hlj.me.uk/Family%20Guy.wmv :p


(new favourite bit is "Of course he did Lois. Christians don't believe in gravity." :p )

Quotes from irc chatrooms, really funny stuff

#405221 +(5732)- [X]

<T-Wolf> man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert
<RdAwG20> you don't live in Hope mills do you?
<T-Wolf> ya, why man?
<RdAwG20> lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
<T-Wolf> you m***** fucker

#9322 +(6075)- [X]

<tag> Ouroboros: lets play Pong
<Ouroboros> Ok.
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> . |
<tag> | .
<Ouroboros> | .
<Ouroboros> Whoops


#414593 +(5979)- [X]

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he
is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much.
She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're
a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the
equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company
saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we
are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however,
use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants.
But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is
probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody
else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will
call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.


#9081 +(3499)- [X]

Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west
Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.
Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.
Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder NMSU
puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.
Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with a grand
ol CDR.
Pirate: Avast!
Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow!
Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.
Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.
Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security patches, argh
thar be spyware abound.


#400459 +(3524)- [X]

<Sonium> someone speak python here?
<lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
<lucky> SSSSS
<Sonium> the programming language :D


#406373 +(3599)- [X]

<[TN]FBMachine> i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving
all the bibles into the fiction section

#328464 +(3651)- [X]

SparTacus (rulimbaww@3B942731.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined
#santcuary
*SparTacus is now known as Betty_Guns
wacko Jacko (lbeedy@1C57684.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net) has joined
#santcuary
<wacko_Jacko>ok spartacus just came n here i know it. which one of you
is that loser?
<hunney> I am spartacus
<ji_pper>no im spartacus
<Betty_Guns>I am spartacus
<mistr andersn>I'm spartacus
<wacko_Jacko>ur all freaks thats what u r


#139697 +(3890)- [X]

<frank> can you help me install GTA3?
<knightmare> first, shut down all programs you aren't using
frank has quit IRC. (Quit)
<knightmare> ... :D

#142934 +(5573)- [X]

docsigma2000: jesus christ man
docsigma2000: my son is sooooooo dead
c8info: Why?
docsigma2000: hes been looking at internet web sites in fucking EUROPE
docsigma2000: HE IS SURFING LONG DISTANCE
docsigma2000: our fucking phone bill is gonna be nuts
c8info: Ooh, this is bad. Surfing long distance adds an extra $69.99
to your bill per hour.
docsigma2000: ...!!!!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK
docsigma2000: is there some plan we can sign up for???
docsigma2000: cuz theres some cool stuff in europe, but i dun wanna
pauy that much
c8info: Sorry, no. There is no plan. you'll have to live with it.
docsigma2000: o well, i ccan live without europe intenet sites.
docsigma2000: but till i figure out how to block it hes sooooo dead
c8info: By the way, I'm from Europe, your chatting long distance.
** docsigma2000 has quit (Connection reset by peer)

#287414 +(9106)- [X]

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his
engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand
close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face
so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out
before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying
with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy fuck.
<DeadMansHand> i fucking hope im wrong about what im thinking right
now
<DeadMansHand> im fucking going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying
about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be
in deep shit.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you fuck. Ken's going to be
worrying about this shit all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> fucking ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that fucker buried me in the sand last night, i
ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was
with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh fuck.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the
beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or
anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they
meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

#244321 +(8188)- [X]

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as
*******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show
to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU
as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.

#111338 +(7998)- [X]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word
"wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got
expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me
wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking
forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter."
It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only
yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a
quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work.
"
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang.
Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers.
He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through
the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end
like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang,
tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a
troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and
Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone
straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It
was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you
sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his
wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us
all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and
moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his
mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now,
he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he
would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the
end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the
silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they
struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his
left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.


Trikkz R 4 Kidz: YO
Trikkz R 4 Kidz: WASSUP?
tetsu2051: presumably not your shift key :D


<Doc> hmm.. IE crashed
<Doc> but i suppose it was my fault... after all, i did press teh \"Back\" button
<Doc> what was i thinking...
<cactoid> you madman
<Tippytoes> risktaker
<Doc> i like to live on the edge


<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that :D


<Graeme> yeah, don't be nasty. my grandad died in a concentration camp......!
<Graeme> he fell out a guard tower. broke his neck


<neo_alex> my maths teacher who looks like gandalf set us a fucking hard half yearly exam
<neo_alex> i was just expecting him to go "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"


<KK> Anyone here speak Spanish?
<ste> i do
<KK> Shut up. You can't even speak English.
<ste> thats cuz i spanish :D

<Nash> YES! they caught the bastard who made the blaster virus
<Nash> looks like he will be getting 10 yrs max in prison
<DDR4life> serves him right
<DROSS> Someone is soon going to discover how strangely painful the shower hour in prison is
<FiringSquad> He'll probably catch a different type of virus in prison
<LexiusTheGenuis> poor kids virginity is going to the recycle bin
<Sczoyd> cellmates will probably be giving him some rather large uploads
<Antibig> theyll be installing some new hardware in his rectum
<FiringSquad> looks like his unprotected port is going to be probed
<Sczoyd> I hope he doesnt mind other men using his hard drive
<JSP> a roll like him is going to get rolled a lot
<Sczoyd> his prison mates are going to have a lot of fun with their new laptop
<ShinKurro> someone will find out a new way to spread viruses
<Nash> okay, that wasn't really called for.


<Lunchbox> The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck is the day they make a vacuum cleaner. :D


<omgwtf> did you guys hear about that actress who got stabbed
<omgwtf> reese
<omgwtf> reese something
<Boon> witherspoon?
<omgwtf> no with a knife


< tcowher> personally I'm annoyed that they can get 11KBps from mars but can't get me a stable 5KBps over 17 miles.


<WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs> i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
<XeNoX> Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.


<Samwise> And if not for a beard, what can you stroke while thinking?
<jacquilyn> Depends what you're thinking about. :D

10 Dog Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... grow the hell UP!!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Haaa what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur here?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Reality check time. I also haven't mastered the face cloth thing either.

Now lay off me on some of these things, We both know who's boss here !!! (you don't see me picking up your poop do you ???)

I shared this in another thread but here it's actually appropriate:

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b45/Norwinkie/Scrabble20Dog.jpg

I shared this in another thread but here it's actually appropriate:

http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b45/Norwinkie/Scrabble20Dog.jpg

We let the dog play monopoly (making his decisions at random) but we stopped doing this after he won three games in a row. I'm not joking.

here's a couple: Caution! Some may be offended.

Q. What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?
A. An erection.

Q. Whats worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A. Being raped

hope That cheered you up!

... because I need some serious cheering up. Really.

It was a bad day, work was difficult, I came home to find a really frightening telephone bill in the mail, and I have the distinct feeling that the relationship I'm having at the moment is about to break up.

Ok, so I always knew it wasn't going anywhere anyways, circumstances were against it, and he probably wasn't good for me in the first place, and yet I'm sitting here crying my heart out ... :(

A joke, a funny picture, anything you've got would be appreciated

This guy walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran-Wrap underwear.

The doctor walks in and says,

"I can clearly see you're nuts."

(far better to say than write... of course he also means "your nuts"...)

A horse walks into a bar.
The barman asks him 'Why the long face?'

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The point was to cheer Cabra up, not depress her. :rolleyes:

Three Mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at

night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first

mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the shot glass to the bar, turns to the

second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my

back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my

teeth and then bench press it 100 times."



The Second Mouse looking unimpressed, orders two shots of tequila,

grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.

He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison,

I collect as much as I can, grind it up and take it home and put in my

coffee in the morning and I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."



The first and second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third

mouse lets out a long sigh and says, "I have no time for all this bullshit, I

gotta go home and fuck the Cat."

A Newfie, a Quebecois, and an Albertan are out canoeing on a lake one day, and a sudden storm sweeps them into the water, where they drown. They arrive at heaven's gates, only to find St. Peter looking a little embarrassed and ruffled. St. Peter says to them, "Boys, I'm really sorry about this! None of you are supposed to be dead yet, and I can't admit you. We're going to send you back down to Earth, but since your bodies are already past saving, we need to give you new ones. And just so you don't go blabbing your mouth about this mistake, we've decided to give you a little restitution. You go ahead and run off this cloud, and as you fall, think of what you want to be when you return to Earth, and that's what you'll be!"

The guys are pretty happy with this solution, so they think a bit. The Albertan is ready first, so he goes running, and takes a big leap of the cloud shouting, "Oil Baron!" as he falls. The Quebecois doesn't hesitate, he runs, jumps and yells, "Millionaire!". The Newfie is pretty excited by this, and knows exactly what he wants to go back as, so he starts running, but just as he's about to jump, he trips on a piece of cloud and goes tumbling over yelling, "COCKSUCKER!!!!!!!!!!"

Oops.:)

Three Mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at

night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first

mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the shot glass to the bar, turns to the

second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my

back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my

teeth and then bench press it 100 times."



The Second Mouse looking unimpressed, orders two shots of tequila,

grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.

He turns to the other mice and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison,

I collect as much as I can, grind it up and take it home and put in my

coffee in the morning and I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."



The first and second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third

mouse lets out a long sigh and says, "I have no time for all this bullshit, I

gotta go home and fuck the Cat."

*lol ... I always liked that one...

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.



"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.



The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.



"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially.



Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head."

A Newfie, a Quebecois, and an Albertan are out canoeing on a lake one day, and a sudden storm sweeps them into the water, where they drown. They arrive at heaven's gates, only to find St. Peter looking a little embarrassed and ruffled. St. Peter says to them, "Boys, I'm really sorry about this! None of you are supposed to be dead yet, and I can't admit you. We're going to send you back down to Earth, but since your bodies are already past saving, we need to give you new ones. And just so you don't go blabbing your mouth about this mistake, we've decided to give you a little restitution. You go ahead and run off this cloud, and as you fall, think of what you want to be when you return to Earth, and that's what you'll be!"

The guys are pretty happy with this solution, so they think a bit. The Albertan is ready first, so he goes running, and takes a big leap of the cloud shouting, "Oil Baron!" as he falls. The Quebecois doesn't hesitate, he runs, jumps and yells, "Millionaire!". The Newfie is pretty excited by this, and knows exactly what he wants to go back as, so he starts running, but just as he's about to jump, he trips on a piece of cloud and goes tumbling over yelling, "COCKSUCKER!!!!!!!!!!"

Oops.:)

*giggle... :D

A joke with Canuck flairThis one's been recounted to me by a Canadian, so don't hit me (which has happened to me before :mad: ):
Two Americans are plodding along in Canada, and being Americans in Canada, they don't have a clue where they are. They plod along until they can see an urban environment in the distance.
1st American: Gosh, I think we're lost. What are we gonna do?
2nd American: Look! There's one of those Canadian mounties over there. Let's go ask him!
1st American: I dunno... I don't even think they speak English up hear.
The second American ignores his companion and goes over to ask the Canadian.
2nd American: What town is that over there?
Canadian: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
The second American goes back to the first American and says:
You're right. They don't speak English.

This one's been recounted to me by a Canadian, so don't hit me (which has happened to me before :mad: ):
Two Americans are plodding along in Canada, and being Americans in Canada, they don't have a clue where they are. They plod along until they can see an urban environment in the distance.
1st American: Gosh, I think we're lost. What are we gonna do?
2nd American: Look! There's one of those Canadian mounties over there. Let's go ask him!
1st American: I dunno... I don't even think they speak English up hear.
The second American ignores his companion and goes over to ask the Canadian.
2nd American: What town is that over there?
Canadian: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
The second American goes back to the first American and says:
You're right. They don't speak English.

Now, that one is brilliant *rofl

Canadian: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
The second American goes back to the first American and says:
You're right. They don't speak English.
BAHHAHAHAHAHAAA....

....both words are native by the way...hehehehheeheheee...

Parking Lot is Full (http://www.plif.com/)

BAHHAHAHAHAHAAA....

....both words are native by the way...hehehehheeheheee...Are you pleased that I spelled Saskatchewan right? (I had to google it...)

This is pretty weird, and might be funny. I'm being compared to otter decorated floor tiling here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9333178&postcount=65).

Are you pleased that I spelled Saskatchewan right? (I had to google it...)
Yeah, it's a tough one:) But the Inuit name places are much more difficult to get right: Iqualuit, Kugluktuk, Tuktoyuktuk, Qikiqtarjuaq, Umingmaktok, Kimmirut and so on...too many vowels and doubled letters! :D

This is pretty weird, and might be funny. I'm being compared to otter decorated floor tiling here (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9333178&postcount=65).
Hmmm....it could be funny because it makes no sense...but nah. It's just a WTF!!??

Edit: Oh, I see, you made the same mistake I did yesterday and said 6" (inches) instead of 6' (feet):)

Did you see my thread on how my TV got rained on and it didn't work anymore? I put a towel underneath it and tilted it to let the water run out. After it dried, it worked again (phew).

Edit: Thanks for laughing. I was almost going to mention that post on the embarassing posts thread...
A friend of mine had a house fire in the computer room … after getting hit with a watter hose and full of insulation … a few hours and some paper towels later it worked fine

Okay, so...

A priest, a rapist and a pedofile walk into a bar... And that was just the first guy!

Okay, so...

A priest, a rapist and a pedofile walk into a bar... And that was just the first guy!


:p :p

Okay, so...

A priest, a rapist and a pedofile walk into a bar... And that was just the first guy!
*Groans*

I know I shouldn’t be laughing but I still am

(I dont know why they are funny to me ... with my past it should bother me ... but nope lol)

q.how do you sink a canadian submarine
a.swim down and knock on the door

an englishman an irishman and a scotsman walk into a pub each one orders a pint a fly lands on the englishmans pint so he pushes it away and refuses to drink it another fly lands on the scotsmans pint and he just continues drinking the fly lands in the irishmans drink so he picks the fly up by the leg,begins shaking him and screaming "spit it out you bastard" :p

Now, THAT reminds me....

There's a beer brewers' convention in town. After the convention, the representatives of Budweiser, Coors and Guinness decide to go for a pint together. They go into a pub and sit down at the bar, and the Buweiser's guy is the first to order : "Give me some of the cool, crisp king of beers, a Budweiser"
The Coors guy orders : "Let me have a Coors, brewed with clear mountain water, straight from the Rocky Mountains"
Then it's the Guinness guy's turn : "Give me some lemonade, please"

The two others stare at him in astonishment. "Aren't you going to order a Guinness???"
"Oh, guys, if you're not having any beer, neither am I"

Right, here's one. It's before the Shrub's second term, cuz I like it that way. :D
George Bush is over at Tony Blair's one day.
George: Tony, how'd you do it? Whatever you do, the people love you.
Tony: Easy, George. I surrond myself with an intelligent staff. Just listen.
With that, Tony calls Jack Straw.
Tony: Jack. There is a person. He is my father's son, but not my brother. Who is it?
Without a moments hesitation, Jack answers: Why, it's you!
George is mighty pleased and swears to find out if his staff are just as clever.

Back in DC, George rings up Dick Cheney.
George: Dick! There's this guy. He's your father's son, but not your brother. Who is it?
Dick: Um... can I get back to you on that?

So Dick gets a workgroup together to solve the problem. When they fail, he calls Colin Powell.

Dick: Hey Colin! There's a guy. He's your father's son, but not your brother. Who is it?
Colin: Why that would be me!
Dick: Thanks Colin! Thanks a lot!

Dick is now ready to bring the answer to the POTUS. George is already quivering with anticipation.
Dick: Mr. President, after intense research I have discovered the answer and compiled it in my report. The answer is: Colin Powell!
George is mad and yells: No you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

Here's one for the nice people in Ireland. Hope you cheer up, Cabra.

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the

agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his

favorite chocolate chip cookies made with MJ butter wafting up the stairs.



He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the

bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both

hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned

against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not

for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven,

for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were

literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies with his favorite drug.



Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his

devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a

happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself

towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His

parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already

in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and

withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the

table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife......



"Fuck off"

she said, "they're for the funeral."

anybody outside Brittain may not understand this....

an Englishmen, an Irish man and Scotsman are on a plane wich is crashing into a mountain....

so they flip a coin to decide who gets the only two paracheutes.... the Englishman gets one jumps out shouting, one for the royal airforce... the Irishman gets the other, jumps ot shouting one for the royal navy... the Scotsman who does not have a paracheute jumps out screaming one for the royal infirmary...



Daavid Beckham, a priest and a school girl are on a plane wich... do you believe is crashing... and thre again is only 2 paracheutes... so the priest gets one for bein holy... when David Beckham in a desperate attempt to stay alive... grabs the last cheute and jumps out... when the school girl lands the priest asks what happened... the School girl say's "The Moron grabbed my school bag"