NationStates Jolt Archive

Just think! I've created a timeline for you, to help you see.

20,000,000 b.c.- Early humans begin farming; some are too busy performing live, up-close and personal porn to help. World would be further if entirety of human effort focused on farming.

7,000,000 b.c.- Venus of Willendorf, a primitive kind of pin-up, is created. Artist too busy making steaming sexy figurines to make pots and other useful objects.

3,000,000 b.c.- Sumerians writing about prostitutes rather then temple records. Progress is hindered. Builders of Mohenjo-Daro and Harrapo too busy thinking about porn to invent a proper writing-system.

2,000,000 b.c.- Residents of Chatal Huyoc amuse themselfs, when not coating skulls with plaster, by making figurines of voluptous women and bulls and making suggestive motions with them.

4,000 b.c.- Ancient Egyptians imagining sexy half-dressed women instead of figuring out how to tame horses. Asexual Egyptian, who cares not for porn, finally works out how to do this.

600 b.c.- Babylonians imagining orgy scenes involving Ishtar, Gilgamesh, and Marduk, not to mention copious amounts of animal fat (primitive lube.) A eunich finally gets together enough people to build a big gate; popular demand, however, necessitates putting pictures of a nymphomaniac Ishtar on the side.

400 b.c.- Pompeiians and Herculanians too busy painting signs for brothels to notice the rumblings of Mount Vesuvius; had they been paying attention they could have plugged the hole and adverted disaster.

30 a.d.- Jesus crucified for preaching instead of watching porn like everyone else.

457 a.d.- Romans, busily wanking off while attempting to remember the grammatical masculine plural in the past tense in an upset tone, are distracted when Vandals burn down Rome and steal Roman women to write porn about.

c. 840 a.d.- Norse, insatisfied with their women and the resulting low quality of their porn, commence raiding Europe to find hot, large-busted women. Meanwhile, Charlamagne teaches his children to read so they can enjoy to the fullest extent the royal porn collection.

12th century a.d.- William Wallace and his men only have access to porn regarding sheep, and so are less distracted when the porn-addicted English Edward Longshanks and his men arrive.

1453 a.d.- Walls of Constantinopal fall because besieging Ottoman turks are circumsized and thus can't get as much pleasure as the Greco-Roman defenders.

1492 a.d.- Columbus sails the ocean in search of cheaper spices and better porn; supresses American indians in the quest for porn.

15th-16th century a.d.- Aggressive, porn-fueled Spaniards and Portugese conquer the new world.

1769 a.d.- James Watt redesigns the steam engine in the hopes to make an extremely powerful dildo for pornographic purposes; through serendiputy he discovers more uses for a steam engine then only that.

1776 a.d.- Founding fathers, upset with the British Pornographic Regulation and Taxation act of 1741, start the American Revolution.

1830s a.d.- Jane Austin sends a pornographic story to a publisher; the publisher says that the tale of a small-duckied woman with a dry twat won't sell well, so Austin embarks on her more well-known writing carreer.

1880s a.d.- British colonialism, driven by sexually unsatisfied politicians, reaches its peak.

1903 a.d.- Queen Victoria dies; pornographers the world over sigh in relief, as Victoria's prudery and censorship of raw, hardcore pornography is over.

1914 a.d.- A group dedicated to making experimental homosexual films bombs Duke Ferdinand, a sexually repressed man who forbids making porn, in Sarajevo. As a result the first world war breaks out.

1917 a.d.- Bolsheviks shoot the wankers in power in Imperial Russia because they watch too much porn instead of doing anything useful.

1932 a.d.- Adolf Hitler seizes power and sets about making Nazi-sponsored pornographic films; an aide tells him he should start a war instead, so Hitler starts that.

1945 a.d.- WWII is over, but the pornographic capitol of Europe, London's Fuckingemhard Place, is bombed out. American porn starts to take hold.

1963 a.d.- President Lyndon B. Johnson prohibets the Vietnamese from exporting porn to nearby countries, and soon war breaks out.

1992 a.d.- The Soviet Empire crumbles; tearful Russian civilians are allowed, for the first time since 1916, to buy any kind of porn they want.

2004 a.d.- The second Gulf war breaks out; Islamic radicals announce a jihad against the Americans, partially because the Americans watch too fucking much porn.


See? See how much damage porn has done for the world? ;)

*applauds

Say, do you have any sources for all of these assumptions? :p

Say, do you have any sources for all of these assumptions? :p

Who needs sources when the TRUTH is just so obvious? ;)

Who needs sources when the TRUTH is just so obvious? ;)Ooh! You little demagogue you! ;)

The real reason kids are stupider these days? Porn.

Back in the day, kids had to look through National Geographic to see any naked women. But on the way of looking at them, they'd pick up something of actual useful knowledge here and there.

Porn is the solution, not the problem. When I'm stressed, BOOM, two naked girls, when I'm depressed, POW, three naked girls! If we didn't have porn, more people would find no purpose in life and, SPLAT, they have a chalk outline on the street next to their apartment building.

Porn, providing the sticky substance that binds us all together....AND makes us in the first place! :eek:

OH god it's true! Next thing we know the Canadian Wolrd takeover will be fueled by the lust to control the global porn machine

The real reason kids are stupider these days? Porn.

Back in the day, kids had to look through National Geographic to see any naked women. But on the way of looking at them, they'd pick up something of actual useful knowledge here and there.
Nay nay nay, I refuse to accept this! In retalliation, I shall write the exact OPPOSITE of what you've said!

The fake reason adults are smarter these days? Religon.

Today, adults look into International Political to hear minimal clothed men. But on the way of hearing them, they drop utter stupidity there and here.

Uhhhh....so THERE!

The real reason kids are stupider these days? Porn.

Back in the day, kids had to look through National Geographic to see any naked women. But on the way of looking at them, they'd pick up something of actual useful knowledge here and there.Hey, they can read Playboy. That magazine is one of the only porn magazines that I'd seriously only buy because of the articles... (because the pictures SUCK!)

Ok, that was hilarious! :)

Now, can somebody PLEASE start a thread which doesn't have the word 'porn', 'p0rn' or even 'pr0n' in the title. I think it must be the time of year.

Say, do you have any sources for all of these assumptions? :p


He can't.
In fact, I only red up until the "Sumerian" refrence for like 3 million BC before I had to stop for the sheer idiocy of the claims.
Oh, and I read the Babylonian one. But it's still all total BS.
Really dude, it's funny but I'm almost offended by some of its lack of facts.

Ha!

But, (ah there's always a but) Victoria died in 1901.

He can't.
In fact, I only red up until the "Sumerian" refrence for like 3 million BC before I had to stop for the sheer idiocy of the claims.
Oh, and I read the Babylonian one. But it's still all total BS.
Really dude, it's funny but I'm almost offended by some of its lack of facts.

Do you think that just MAYBE, the intention of the thread was to be a humorous parody to point out why it's ridiculous to say it's the root of all the world's problems.

Now, while I agree that porn can be a problem (takes up so much of the internet's bandwidth that it's not funny, for example) you couldn't say it caused all the problems in the world.

randomlittleisland: pr0n! :p

ROFL

Thanks for a great Monday morning laugh :)

Bah, Hitler would never have started making porn. In addition to being barbaric, the Nazis were incredibly prude, suffocating the German porn industry at the time.

Bah, Hitler would never have started making porn. In addition to being barbaric, the Nazis were incredibly prude, suffocating the German porn industry at the time.

Shame, who wouldn't have wanted to see Hitler and Goering in bikinis?

Mmmmm... :fluffle:

Shame, who wouldn't have wanted to see Hitler and Goering in bikinis?

Mmmmm... :fluffle:

Now that you mention it... There IS a comic book by a well-known German cartoonist, Walter Moers, that suggests that Goering didn't kill himself but got a sex change operation and is now working as a prostitute called Hermine. :D

Now that you mention it... There IS a comic book by a well-known German cartoonist, Walter Moers, that suggests that Goering didn't kill himself but got a sex change operation and is now working as a prostitute called Hermine. :D

Did they even have sex-change operations in 1945? ;)

Ah well, if it's true he's probably suffered enough by now. :D

About the Sumerians... I was tired, and Mideastern history ain't my strongpoint. And Queen Victoria... Well, I, masquerading as a soldier of the Queen, am naturally quite embarressed.

And with Hitler... OF BLEEDING COURSE HE WOULDN'T MAKE PORN!

Attention: THIS IS A PARODY OF TWO FUNNY SUBJECTS: RELIGION AND PORN. A REALLY DIE-HARD ATHIEST MIGHT TRY TO WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THIS SUGGESTING RELIGION IS THE WORLD'S BIGGEST PROBLEM, RATHER THEN PORN. COPYWRITE (C) 2005. "PORN," "SEX," AND "STEAMING JUCY ACTION" ARE REGISTERED TRADEMARKS. RESULTS MAY VARY. CONSULT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL BEFORE WATCHING PORN. PENISES NOT AS BIG AS SHOWN. NO REFUNDS WITHOUT RECEIPT.

each to his own, but do we have to have it thrust in our faces day and night,that is why everyone is feeling hard done by they think others have a better sex life then them when in reality they don`t why can`t sex be normal why do we have to work our way through the kama sutra to prove we are good in bed?after all it`s not the size of the ship that counts but the motion on the ocean need i say more?

each to his own, but do we have to have it thrust in our faces day and night
:D

sorry......