NationStates Jolt Archive

ok, advice threads seem to be big now, so I'll post one.

I have 2 friends, A and B, who are in a relationship, and have been for over a year. It is a mutually antagonistic relationship, and they drive each other crazy, but underneth it, they really love each other. B, the girl, has only just recently admitted loving A. B has very serious trust and intimacy issues, stemming from her childhood. She has gotten over alot of stuff through her relationship with A, but is still very fragile. As a defence mechanism, she alot of times will be a bitch or push A away. B is my best friend, and the closest person in the world to me, and vice verca. A has told me I am the only person B really trusts, and the closest person to her, includung him. I was in love with B for about 10 months, but that is past, I am over her (I still over her as a friend, though), and I am currently in my own very happy relationship. A has also been a very close friend of mine for many years.

A few weeks ago A got a blow job from C, another friend.

A broke it off with C after 2 days, and atributes it to a moment of weekness.

He deserves to be punished for what he did, and I know that if my girlfriend cheated on me, I would want to know. But, if I tell B, it will seriously fuck her up. It is eating me up inside having to keep this from her, to lie to her, who I have never lied to, to protect him, who deserves whatever he has comming to him. But I also have to think of B. I have to protect her from his mistake.

To further complicate things, me and B are going away in September, for about 4 months, to live in and travel around Europe. She was planning on breaking up with A before hand, but now she is not so sure.

What should I do? Tell her? Spare my friends' feelings? Please advise.

Get a violin and play while the ship sinks

tell "A" to confess.


if he won't, tell "B" yourself

keep it to yourself

Leave the matter to them.

Did your friend put you as the "relationship police" ? No? Then hush.

If they truly trust each other, then it will be admitted. If not...don't interfer either way. It's not your concern, even if you are best friends.

Canada City']Leave the matter to them.

Did your friend put you as the "relationship police" ? No? Then hush.

If they truly trust each other, then it will be admitted. If not...don't interfer either way. It's not your concern, even if you are best friends.

Keep well out of it, and pass "C"s phone number this way :D

ok ok this is the only circumstance in which you should tell B about the cheating

if everyone else knows. if its being talked about behind her back, she needs to know. if C is going to be vindictive and do something about being "dumped", B needs to know.

if no one but A, C and you know, and its not going to be talked about

keep it to yourself.

It sucks, but the other posters are right. It is not for you to tell, it is thier issue. That being said, remember that you can't do ballistics testing on a load of soft lead birdshot.

If friend "A" truly regrets this and friend "B" would be crushed knowing this, perhaps secrecy is better this time. Tell friend "A" just to make a penance for himself; to show "B" how much he loves and cares for her. I think they should try and work it out it was a mistake and she has some emotional issues.

ok ok this is the only circumstance in which you should tell B about the cheating

if everyone else knows. if its being talked about behind her back, she needs to know. if C is going to be vindictive and do something about being "dumped", B needs to know.

if no one but A, C and you know, and its not going to be talked about

keep it to yourself.

everybody else does, in fact, know

I've been in pretty much exactly B's position. Severely emotionally screwed-up with massive issues stemming from childhood trauma? Check. Intimacy and trust issues? Check. Finally managed to admit to loving someone I'd been with for a year, shortly before he went off and got a blowjob from someone else? Check. Everyone knew about it but me? Check.

And my vote - tell her, or at least, tell her that you don't think A is good enough for her, or that you think he's keeping secrets from her, and let her confront him herself. Yes, this will make her extremely unhappy - but how much unhappier will she feel if she really lets herself love and trust this guy and he pulls the same crap again? And the odds are that if everyone knows about it, she'll hear about it sooner or later - better that it's sooner.

Also, when/if you tell her or she finds out, I think she'd appreciate it if you'd offer to punch A in the face for her. It sounds like he deserves it. :mad:

he does, and I'd be quite happy to, should she want it

When my friend was going with this chick she cheated on him, as one of the lads and as a good friend I told him - Im glad I did and he has another girl and she is a lot cooler, As a friend its up to you to choose to stick by your buddys.

Friends are for life you can find another lover. You lose your friend you probably wont be the same again. If you lose a lover you go out single and looking.

Hmm, mutual antagonistic. I had a friend. He had a girlfriend. They had a mutually antagonistic relationship. I have since quit being friends with either of them.

everybody else does, in fact, know
*shudder*

if you do decide to tell her, phrase it like this "people are SAYING". dont say it as if it were utterly true but rather a rumor going around that you think she should know about.

talk to A before you do anything. he should tell her before she hears it from someone else. its just too cruel to make her drag the truth out of him (if it is indeed true)

dont give you opinion as to whether or not its true, whether or not she should stay with him, just be nice and listen to what she has to say. if you say bad things about him (as he deserves) then if she stays with him it will put a wall between the 2 of you just when she really needs you most.

ok, advice threads seem to be big now, so I'll post one.

I have 2 friends, A and B, who are in a relationship, and have been for over a year. It is a mutually antagonistic relationship, and they drive each other crazy, but underneth it, they really love each other. B, the girl, has only just recently admitted loving A. B has very serious trust and intimacy issues, stemming from her childhood. She has gotten over alot of stuff through her relationship with A, but is still very fragile. As a defence mechanism, she alot of times will be a bitch or push A away. B is my best friend, and the closest person in the world to me, and vice verca. A has told me I am the only person B really trusts, and the closest person to her, includung him. I was in love with B for about 10 months, but that is past, I am over her (I still over her as a friend, though), and I am currently in my own very happy relationship. A has also been a very close friend of mine for many years.

A few weeks ago A got a blow job from C, another friend.

A broke it off with C after 2 days, and atributes it to a moment of weekness.

He deserves to be punished for what he did, and I know that if my girlfriend cheated on me, I would want to know. But, if I tell B, it will seriously fuck her up. It is eating me up inside having to keep this from her, to lie to her, who I have never lied to, to protect him, who deserves whatever he has comming to him. But I also have to think of B. I have to protect her from his mistake.

To further complicate things, me and B are going away in September, for about 4 months, to live in and travel around Europe. She was planning on breaking up with A before hand, but now she is not so sure.

What should I do? Tell her? Spare my friends' feelings? Please advise.

.... I would just like to point out while your in this "happy" relationship of your own, your going to live with a girl you were in love with for an extensive period of time for 4 months ?

After hearing this story, it seems clear to me, you may still have deep seeded feelings for her... hence this desire to inform her of her partners infidelity even though she has plans to break it off reguardless.

I would say 2 things, one..

since she is emotionally unstable.. dont tell her! Ignorance is bliss, dont let anyone tell you otherwise.

Two..

If your really in a happy relationship, going away for 4 months to europe with someone who is just recently made single and who you had feelings for is about the dumbest thing ive ever heard of.. either dont go, or break up with ur current girlfriend. Because you may yourself soon find infidelity knocking on your door.

tell "A" to confess.


if he won't, tell "B" yourself
I concur. I know that if I were cheated on, I would consider it a violation of trust if a friend knew and didn't tell me. Most likely this would result in the end of the friendship.

ok, advice threads seem to be big now, so I'll post one.

I have 2 friends, A and B, who are in a relationship, and have been for over a year. It is a mutually antagonistic relationship, and they drive each other crazy, but underneth it, they really love each other. B, the girl, has only just recently admitted loving A. B has very serious trust and intimacy issues, stemming from her childhood. She has gotten over alot of stuff through her relationship with A, but is still very fragile. As a defence mechanism, she alot of times will be a bitch or push A away. B is my best friend, and the closest person in the world to me, and vice verca. A has told me I am the only person B really trusts, and the closest person to her, includung him. I was in love with B for about 10 months, but that is past, I am over her (I still over her as a friend, though), and I am currently in my own very happy relationship. A has also been a very close friend of mine for many years.

A few weeks ago A got a blow job from C, another friend.

A broke it off with C after 2 days, and atributes it to a moment of weekness.

He deserves to be punished for what he did, and I know that if my girlfriend cheated on me, I would want to know. But, if I tell B, it will seriously fuck her up. It is eating me up inside having to keep this from her, to lie to her, who I have never lied to, to protect him, who deserves whatever he has comming to him. But I also have to think of B. I have to protect her from his mistake.

To further complicate things, me and B are going away in September, for about 4 months, to live in and travel around Europe. She was planning on breaking up with A before hand, but now she is not so sure.

What should I do? Tell her? Spare my friends' feelings? Please advise.

Wow - this is definitely soap opera material! So what would be your motive for telling B anything about what A has done? Are you hoping that in her grief she will turn to you for comfort during your tour of Europe with her? You are aware of what usually happens to the messenger, aren't you? It sounds to me like those two have some serious growing up to do. Personally, I would just mind my own business and not make myself a part of their little drama. But that's just me...

Ihatevacations']Get a violin and play while the ship sinks

Funny, but I daresay a bit unhelpful :rolleyes:

I think I agree with Valyria. Make 'A' tell her. But he's gotta be very tactful. It's a bloody complicated situation. Whatever you do, be there for her. Be supportive, and whatever your feelings for her - you say you're over her, but... well, feelings neve quite die, do they? - don't act on them. Just be her friend, and help her through what's gonna be a rough time.

Funny, but I daresay a bit unhelpful :rolleyes:It's supposed to be a joke, I think. :rolleyes:

Wow - this is definitely soap opera material! So what would be your motive for telling B anything about what A has done? Are you hoping that in her grief she will turn to you for comfort during your tour of Europe with her? You are aware of what usually happens to the messenger, aren't you? It sounds to me like those two have some serious growing up to do. Personally, I would just mind my own business and not make myself a part of their little drama. But that's just me...

My only motivation for telling her would be that she deserves to know, and I would want to know if it happened to me. I am not hoping she will turn to me in a romantic way, though I will of course be here as a friend for her. As I said, I am very happy in my current relationship.

I have talked to A, he refuses to tell her.

Like I said, I hate having to keep this from her, but I don't want to hurt her by telling her, for the reasons I've already said.

What should I do? Tell her? Spare my friends' feelings? Please advise.

Mind your own business. It's not your relationship.