NationStates Jolt Archive

Just read this on another board to which I belong. No need to fuss at me if you've already seen them! :p


1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey had first choice.

I wonder what The Cat-Tribe is going to think of this... ;)

I wonder what The Cat-Tribe is going to think of this... ;)Me too...


Hilarious.:)

What do you call a plane full of lawyers crashing into the Atlantic?
A good start...

I hate to break it to you but lawyers perform an extremely valuable service, they are the only people with a good understanding of the law who aren't employed and controlled by the government (this is true in the UK anyway). Without them who would be able to confront the government if they break the law? All the judges are state employed and this has resulted in a number of blatant cover-ups, ie. Hutton and Butler. While they can be a pain they are a vital part of a free society.

Me too...

Hilarious.:)
Bet you can't guess which of those is my personal favorite! :D

Bet you can't guess which of those is my personal favorite! :DThe one with lunch and reading a paper?

ROFLMAO!!!!! :D

Bet you can't guess which of those is my personal favorite! :D

11 was mine...

I wonder what The Cat-Tribe is going to think of this... ;)
He/she is probably use to it by now. ;)

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at a hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken hostage.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.

11 was mine...
This one:

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

:D

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at a hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken hostage.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.
ROFLMFAO!!! :D

Quick! Settle! Settle! LOL!

That was great :D

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at a hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken hostage.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.

ROFLMAO

Bet you can't guess which of those is my personal favorite! :DI know! I know! It's....

*receives stern glare*


Oh, ok, whatever! :(

Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.

Q:How many lawyers does it take to roof your house?
A: It depends how thin you slice them.

Q:What do you get when you have 100 lawyers buried to their necks in sand?
A: You get...more sand!

:D

I don't understand #2 and #9, though, could someone explain them? :confused:

I was walking along the beach one day when I happened to stumble across a magic lamp. Being curious, I rubbed it and out popped a genie. A rather grumpy genie.
"Who dares disturb my slumber?" he bellowed "Right you twit, for waking me, I'll grant you three wishes, but because you distrubed me, whatever you wish for will be given twice to every lawyer on this planet."
So I thought.
"I want a shiny red sports car!"
*POOF*
The sports car appeared and every lawyer in the world got two.
"I want a million dollars!"
*POOF*
My bank account increased by one million and every lawyer in the world got two million.
Now I thought again...
"You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."

Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.

Q:How many lawyers does it take to roof your house?
A: It depends how thin you slice them.

Q:What do you get when you have 100 lawyers buried to their necks in sand?
A: You get...more sand!

:D

Lol, the first one's the best :D

This one:

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

:D

Oh yeah, I should have realised that would have been yours :P

Most of them I have heard before, although some I have heard with something else in the place of 'lawyers'

I was waiting for the one: 'How do you stop a lawyer from drowing?

Take your foot off it's head.

I'll crash into your car and give you brain damage, then run away. Do you hate all lawyers now? It seems you don't know that everything you have stated is just a stero-type. Good luck finding a personal injury lawyer!

Hey, I'm a lawyer!

*Moons them all.*

Just read this on another board to which I belong. No need to fuss at me if you've already seen them! :p


1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps. They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?

6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.

7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.

14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.

15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Frequent flyer miles.

16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.

17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey had first choice.


You forgot my favorite:

Q:"What do you call a lawyer with an IQ lower than 60?"

A:"Your honor...."

I'll crash into your car and give you brain damage, then run away. Do you hate all lawyers now? It seems you don't know that everything you have stated is just a stero-type. Good luck finding a personal injury lawyer!

Sheesh, lighten up a little, fella, we're just joking. :p

Hey, I'm a lawyer!

*Moons them all.*

:eek:

*Faints*

I don't understand #2 and #9, though, could someone explain them? :confused:
Another definition of "baloney" is bullshit. If she craves "baloney," it's because the baby already has the makings of a "good" lawyer. :)

"Skeet" are what "Skeet-shooters" use for target practice. It's a type of sport shooting where you shoot at moving targets ... the "skeet." :D

You forgot my favorite:

Q:"What do you call a lawyer with an IQ lower than 60?"

A:"Your honor...."


*head explodes*

You forgot my favorite:

Q:"What do you call a lawyer with an IQ lower than 60?"

A:"Your honor...."Someone already said that. :)

*head explodes*
Any particular reason, or did you just elect to exercise the LG version of the nuclear option? :D

I'll crash into your car and give you brain damage, then run away. Do you hate all lawyers now? It seems you don't know that everything you have stated is just a stero-type. Good luck finding a personal injury lawyer!


God bless ACC, heh. In this country they'd pay for it.

Any particular reason, or did you just elect to exercise the LG version of the nuclear option? :D

It happens from time to time. Usually when I'm exposed to epic level dumbness. :p

Shame on you Etrusca, you forgot my favorite lawyer joke....

Q: What do you call 500 lawyers hanging off of meat hooks?
A: A good start.

But seriously, Shakespeare got it right, kill the fuckers!

It happens from time to time. Usually when I'm exposed to epic level dumbness. :p

Don't talk to any of my workmates then, you'll make a frightfull mess of things :p

Another definition of "baloney" is bullshit. If she craves "baloney," it's because the baby already has the makings of a "good" lawyer. :)

"Skeet" are what "Skeet-shooters" use for target practice. It's a type of sport shooting where you shoot at moving targets ... the "skeet." :D

Ah, okay. Thanks! :D

We have been instructed by ourselves to act on our behalf and hereby issue a writ for defamation to all participants in this discussion. We will be seeking $bujillion compensation plus costs plus apology plus gagging order on all concerned.

C. Sneer, Esq.
Sneer and Associates

I hate to break it to you but lawyers perform an extremely valuable service, they are the only people with a good understanding of the law who aren't employed and controlled by the government (this is true in the UK anyway). Without them who would be able to confront the government if they break the law? All the judges are state employed and this has resulted in a number of blatant cover-ups, ie. Hutton and Butler. While they can be a pain they are a vital part of a free society.

Damn straight!!!
Doesn't mean I don't enjoy a good lawyer joke, but you can't have civilization without lawyers.

Without lawyers, you probably wouldn't have the right to make these jokes.

And you rip on them, but if you're in trouble they're the first people you go crying to.


Let me ask these two questions: has anyone here actually ever been screwed over by a lawyer? if an attorney engages in any unethical, immoral, illegal, or misleading conduct, (s)he faces disbarment (at least in the united states), which means that (s)he loses his/her job and is on the street. what is considered unethical varies by state, but it can include something as simple as directly offering your services to someone who you know could use your help or calling yourself an "expert" in your field of law. So how many of the critics here could meet that standard?

I'm especially curious as to whether anyone here has ever actually been screwed over by an attorney, and I challenge you to give an example.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a whore?

Whores stop screwing you when you're dead.

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at a hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken hostage.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.
I think this deserves this
http://geek.upwardthrust.us/roflcopter.gif

Without lawyers, you probably wouldn't have the right to make these jokes.

And you rip on them, but if you're in trouble they're the first people you go crying to.


Let me ask these two questions: has anyone here actually ever been screwed over by a lawyer? if an attorney engages in any unethical, immoral, illegal, or misleading conduct, (s)he faces disbarment (at least in the united states), which means that (s)he loses his/her job and is on the street. what is considered unethical varies by state, but it can include something as simple as directly offering your services to someone who you know could use your help or calling yourself an "expert" in your field of law. So how many of the critics here could meet that standard?

I'm especially curious as to whether anyone here has ever actually been screwed over by an attorney, and I challenge you to give an example.
Big Brother just told them to hate lawyers! lol :p

10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What about governors? :)

-snip-

Well, my father used to work for the Royal Navy.

One day he fell off a 6ft ladder and severly broke his wrist. To this day it hasn't fully recovered.

The fall was due to sheer incompetence on someone elses part.

He was made redundant by the Navy, and couldn't work for a year.

No lawyer would touch his case, even those compensation-cultureites on the T.V.

It happens from time to time. Usually when I'm exposed to epic level dumbness. :p
Hmm. Tsk! And here I was finally starting to like you. For shame! :p

i liked the 6th and 17th ones.

Hmm. Tsk! And here I was finally starting to like you. For shame! :p

It's actually a truly rare occurrence. Epic level dumbness is not as common as you might think.

Don't talk to any of my workmates then, you'll make a frightfull mess of things :p

Dumb co-workers are fun to screw with. :)

I hate to break it to you but lawyers perform an extremely valuable service, they are the only people with a good understanding of the law who aren't employed and controlled by the government (this is true in the UK anyway). Without them who would be able to confront the government if they break the law? All the judges are state employed and this has resulted in a number of blatant cover-ups, ie. Hutton and Butler. While they can be a pain they are a vital part of a free society.
Its called a sense of humor. Get one, k?

Its called a sense of humor. Get one, k?

Before joking around, you need to at least mention why the subjects of the joke are still important, if they are. Even Jay Leno does it sometimes. ;) (Did I mention his last name means "Pimp" in Latin?)

I'll crash into your car and give you brain damage, then run away. Do you hate all lawyers now? It seems you don't know that everything you have stated is just a stero-type. Good luck finding a personal injury lawyer!
SENSE OF HUMOR !!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU SENSE OF HUMOR???

Without lawyers, you probably wouldn't have the right to make these jokes.

And you rip on them, but if you're in trouble they're the first people you go crying to.


Let me ask these two questions: has anyone here actually ever been screwed over by a lawyer? if an attorney engages in any unethical, immoral, illegal, or misleading conduct, (s)he faces disbarment (at least in the united states), which means that (s)he loses his/her job and is on the street. what is considered unethical varies by state, but it can include something as simple as directly offering your services to someone who you know could use your help or calling yourself an "expert" in your field of law. So how many of the critics here could meet that standard?

I'm especially curious as to whether anyone here has ever actually been screwed over by an attorney, and I challenge you to give an example.
Heres my example! I can't afford health insurance, because of scumball sue happy lawyers who sue for anything they can. Kinda like the dumb woman who sued Mcdonalds because she didn't realize coffee was hot! ANYWAYS, were just havin fun. Get a sense of freakin humor. GEEZZ!!

Before joking around, you need to at least mention why the subjects of the joke are still important, if they are. Even Jay Leno does it sometimes. ;) (Did I mention his last name means "Pimp" in Latin?)
Good point! Heres my reasons
1)Michael Jackson
2)O.J. Simpson

Heres my example! I can't afford health insurance, because of scumball sue happy lawyers who sue for anything they can. Kinda like the dumb woman who sued Mcdonalds because she didn't realize coffee was hot! ANYWAYS, were just havin fun. Get a sense of freakin humor. GEEZZ!!
*cough* that was a ligitmate case. They knew it was too hot, and the woman had serious burns on her thighs (skin-replacement bad).


/lawyer.




Funny as hell though :D.

Heres my example! I can't afford health insurance, because of scumball sue happy lawyers who sue for anything they can. Kinda like the dumb woman who sued Mcdonalds because she didn't realize coffee was hot! ANYWAYS, were just havin fun. Get a sense of freakin humor. GEEZZ!!

Oh, my sympathy. I hate lawers like that.

Ah, I think her name was Stella Lebeck or something like that. Stupid cow.

Yes we were. Much of my family were/are lawers and I still see the funny side.

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
Alternate version:

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable desire to fuck groups of religious people and entire corporations.

:p

CLARIFICATION: The word "fuck" is definitely not meant in the "good" sense. ;)

Alternate version:

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable desire to fuck groups of religious people and entire corporations.

:p

I prefer this one.

I prefer this one.I don't. :p

Well, my father used to work for the Royal Navy.

One day he fell off a 6ft ladder and severly broke his wrist. To this day it hasn't fully recovered.

The fall was due to sheer incompetence on someone elses part.

He was made redundant by the Navy, and couldn't work for a year.

No lawyer would touch his case, even those compensation-cultureites on the T.V.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to your father. Since attorneys earn their livings by taking cases, maybe there was an evidence problem? I wasn't there, so I don't know.

I'm sorry to hear that happened to your father. Since attorneys earn their livings by taking cases, maybe there was an evidence problem? I wasn't there, so I don't know.

Nah, the lawers just wouldn't tackle the M.O.D.

Alternate version:

2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable desire to fuck groups of religious people and entire corporations.

:p

CLARIFICATION: The word "fuck" is definitely not meant in the "good" sense. ;)
There's a "bad sense" of "fuck?" :eek:

I'm sorry to hear that happened to your father. Since attorneys earn their livings by taking cases, maybe there was an evidence problem? I wasn't there, so I don't know.
Suing the government generally isn't something lawyers enjoy doing. They tend to have immunity.

There's a "bad sense" of "fuck?" :eek:Apparently the sense in which it means <text deleted> is worse than the one in which it means "to have sex with". I mean, sex is a good thing when you look at it that way....why they picked it for a swear word, I'll never know. :confused:

Heres my example! I can't afford health insurance, because of scumball sue happy lawyers who sue for anything they can. Kinda like the dumb woman who sued Mcdonalds because she didn't realize coffee was hot! ANYWAYS, were just havin fun. Get a sense of freakin humor. GEEZZ!!

You can't afford health insurance? Do you have cable television? A cellular phone? How often do you go to restaurants? How often do you go to movies? I ask because almost everyone who doesn't have health insurance doesn't have it because they make the decision to spend the money on other things that are non-essential.

Can you give an actual example of a frivolous lawsuit against a medical provider?

As for the McDonald's thing, if you were served a beverage that was 180 degrees farenheit--hot enough to leave 3rd degree burns (it did)--does the person serving it not at least have the duty to tell you before giving it to you?

As for getting a freaking sense of humor... what do YOU do for a living? :)

Nah, the lawers just wouldn't tackle the M.O.D.

In the U.S., the federal government is protected from lawsuits by the 11th amendment (in most cases). Perhaps it was the same sort of thing over there.

Ok there are some good examples of lawyers: Ed massey/Erin Brocovich case against the California Power/Gas company for posioning the water in Hinkley, CA which gave residents high Cancer rates. There a big diffrence between a Lawyer and an Attorney and some lawyers do try to make a difference.

I do know one lawyer joke:
[i] The devil one decided to impesonate god and told St. Peter to send all the enigineers down to hell. Well when the enigineers got down to hell they decided to make some improvements as it was hot. They built gigantic fans and cooling systems and made hell a pretty nice place. When God found out what the devil did he called him up "Satan you bastard, you better send up all the enigineers up to heaven". Satan replied: "Oh yeah what are you going to do?". God Said: "I'll Sue!". Then Satan Replied: "Oh yeah where are you going to get a lawyer!!!!!".

Thread,

This blatant attack on legal credibility of our fine profession will not go un-noticed. We will be taking this thread, and all posters into litigation, seeking just compensation for damages, for the sum of $_______ billion (to be filled in later)..

Respectfully

The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheetum & Howe.

Thread,

This blatant attack on legal credibility of our fine profession will not go un-noticed. We will be taking this thread, and all posters into litigation, seeking just compensation for damages, for the sum of $_______ billion (to be filled in later)..

Respectfully

The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheetum & Howe.
Lol I like that ... like a blank check lol

Thread,

This blatant attack on legal credibility of our fine profession will not go un-noticed. We will be taking this thread, and all posters into litigation, seeking just compensation for damages, for the sum of $_______ billion (to be filled in later)..

Respectfully

The Law Offices of Dewey, Cheetum & Howe.

Right, but an attorney wouldn't really do that. That's my point.

What's slim, brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.