NationStates Jolt Archive

The opinions seem to vary on this topic, so I thought I'd get some NS perspective!

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

What if they don't know the cheater is attached? What if they do? To what extent would you assign blame to the person who enables the cheater?

A recent pop song "I don't want to know" describes a man who suspects his girlfriend is cheating on him, but implores her to be discrete about it, because he doesn't want to have to break up.

2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?

Imagine that the cheating never got around, people weren't talking about it, and you weren't humiliated with the knowledge...would that be good enough for you if your partner came through in every other way? Or would you rather know, and if so, how would you deal with the cheating up?

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?

For example...someone whose best friend attracted to him/her, and visa versa, who have never actually becomes involved physically, but who have no secrets from one another, are best 'friends'...who routinely confide their relationship issues to one another etc, compared to a drunken one-night stand...which would bother you more?

So, whether you've been cheated on, have done the cheating, or are only imagining what it would be like, go ahead and answer these questions:)

The opinions seem to vary on this topic, so I thought I'd get some NS perspective!

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?


1. Only if they know the person is cheating
2. I think I would want to know (diseases may be transmitted)
3. One night-stand, diseases still.

What is the problem with cheating?

There are few possible answers to that.
1. The dishonesty involved. Well that can be removed. There is no reason to lie about an extra marital affair (or a bit on the side if you are not married).

2. Insecurity. This has to be based on how much you think the other person cares for you. If you do not think that they care enough for you that a physical interaction with another person can take them away from you, then your relationship is on very rocky ground anyway.

3. Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted diseases. Ever heard of condoms folks?

Cheating is only cheating if it is deceitful or in opposition to some promise you made.

What is the problem with cheating?


I doubt many people would disagree with you. Don't get me wrong folks...after having been cheated on a few times, I'm not particularly fond of the feeling of being deceived. The question isn't, 'what's wrong with it' though. :D

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?


3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?


my opinions...
1. No. the one that is doing the cheating is the guilty party. A relationship is a commitment. There may be extenuating circumstances, but cheating is cheating.
2. Of course. Ignorance may be bliss, but i'd rather know and be miserable.
3. Neither. Both are equally bad. Both show that your partner thinks there is something serious lacking in the relationship.

Of course this only applies if its meant to be a serious relationship.

1. Only if they know the person is cheating
2. I think I would want to know (diseases may be transmitted)
3. One night-stand, diseases still.

Totally agree on all three.

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?

So, whether you've been cheated on, have done the cheating, or are only imagining what it would be like, go ahead and answer these questions:)
1: If a friend betrayed me like that, I not sure what I would do. I'd expect any stranger to nail my better half, if given half the change. I expect my better half not to give anyone but me that chance. I also expect I might face some serious jail time if it happened anyway. I wouldn't lay a hand on my partner though.

2: Depends on whether it's a one-night thing, or an ongoing thing. If it's the former, I wouldn't want to know. If it's the latter, I would very much like to know, so I could leave the relationship.

3: Not sure what you're getting at. If my lover was skrewing around behind my back, I'd be devastated. One-night stands happens. If it's only that one time, it's no biggie. If my lover was actually in love with someone else, it wouldn't matter if they had sex. I'd feel equally betrayed.

And yea, I've been cheated on & I've cheated myself. Never more than a one-night stand tho. And sure, it pisses me off, or makes me feel guilty as shit. But it happens. If you love someone, you forgive & forget.

What is the problem with cheating?

There are few possible answers to that.
1. The dishonesty involved. Well that can be removed. There is no reason to lie about an extra marital affair (or a bit on the side if you are not married).

2. Insecurity. This has to be based on how much you think the other person cares for you. If you do not think that they care enough for you that a physical interaction with another person can take them away from you, then your relationship is on very rocky ground anyway.

3. Pregnancy and Sexually Transmitted diseases. Ever heard of condoms folks?

Cheating is only cheating if it is deceitful or in opposition to some promise you made.

Condoms break... also there are some STD's that a condom can not protect against. Also for men who cheat and think they have not contracted a STD. Unfortunately for the women in your life they might find out first. Men are carriers and or asymptomatic for some of the diseases... Now I will trot off and get some source material regarding my statements above.

One source(not very detailed)
http://www.niaid.nih.gov/dmid/stds/condomreport.pdf

Also for the book readers try "Control of Communicable Diseases Manual" it is an official report by the American Public Health Association. The edition I have is all of 624 pages long... sort of scary that there are that many communicable diseases...though this manual is not exclusive to STD's. I will look for some more informative and friendly sites.

The opinions seem to vary on this topic, so I thought I'd get some NS perspective!

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?

So, whether you've been cheated on, have done the cheating, or are only imagining what it would be like, go ahead and answer these questions:)

1.Not necessarily. Do they know that the person they are having sex with is in a relationship? If they don't, then no. But if they do, absolutely; in fact, I think they are more guilty.

2. I'd like to know because I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who cares about me. They cheat on me, I leave them. They aren't worth my love or attention because they lied and betrayed my love for them. (I'd also like to know so I could beat the shit out of the person they're cheating with).

3. One night stand. They totally ignore everything we had in our relationship to satisfy their lust, so that obviously shows they don't care about love or deep relationship and only want sex like some kind of animal. The other kind I will still fault them, but only for not telling me. If they have a deep relationship that is that strong, then I'll defer and let her decide what is best.

The opinions seem to vary on this topic, so I thought I'd get some NS perspective!

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

What if they don't know the cheater is attached? What if they do? To what extent would you assign blame to the person who enables the cheater?

A recent pop song "I don't want to know" describes a man who suspects his girlfriend is cheating on him, but implores her to be discrete about it, because he doesn't want to have to break up.

2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?

Imagine that the cheating never got around, people weren't talking about it, and you weren't humiliated with the knowledge...would that be good enough for you if your partner came through in every other way? Or would you rather know, and if so, how would you deal with the cheating up?

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?

For example...someone whose best friend attracted to him/her, and visa versa, who have never actually becomes involved physically, but who have no secrets from one another, are best 'friends'...who routinely confide their relationship issues to one another etc, compared to a drunken one-night stand...which would bother you more?

So, whether you've been cheated on, have done the cheating, or are only imagining what it would be like, go ahead and answer these questions:)

1. No-I dont think the person that facilitates cheating is as "guilty" as the cheater- Guilty to whom? Presumably, the facilitator would be a friend or close to the cheater, not the one being cheated on. Its part of being friends-covering for each other. A good friend would offer advice though ,maybe enlighten the cheater, remind him of what he may have to lose.

2. If my partner was cheating-YES-I would want to know. Chances are most probable that I would know anyway. There is very little that happens in my circle that I'm not aware of. In person, I'm a living lie detector.

3. No difference to me- both are just as bad. Except with the deep friendship cheating, you stand to lose a friend as well.

The opinions seem to vary on this topic, so I thought I'd get some NS perspective!

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

What if they don't know the cheater is attached? What if they do? To what extent would you assign blame to the person who enables the cheater?

A recent pop song "I don't want to know" describes a man who suspects his girlfriend is cheating on him, but implores her to be discrete about it, because he doesn't want to have to break up.
Depends on the level of knowledge that the object has and whether or not that level is enhanced by some willful ignorance. If the cheatee knows the cheater is in a relationship or should know based on available information, then both are equally at fault, as far as I'm concerned.

2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?

Imagine that the cheating never got around, people weren't talking about it, and you weren't humiliated with the knowledge...would that be good enough for you if your partner came through in every other way? Or would you rather know, and if so, how would you deal with the cheating up?
If I know about it and don't confront my partner, then it's not cheating--it's only cheating if one party doesn't know, as far as I'm concerned. Cheating I couldn't condone, but if my girlfriend came to me and told me that she wanted to experiment, etc., then as long as she was careful and was up front with it, I could handle it. I've been through it before in a past relationship--sex is sex and love is love and the two don't always coincide, after all.

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?

For example...someone whose best friend attracted to him/her, and visa versa, who have never actually becomes involved physically, but who have no secrets from one another, are best 'friends'...who routinely confide their relationship issues to one another etc, compared to a drunken one-night stand...which would bother you more?I don't consider deep friendship to be cheating, so given those choices, I've got to go with the one-night stand. But the only cheating I'd be unable to abide would be if my partner lived with me as though she loved me but had given her heart to another. My brother in law is going through that right now--he suspected her infidelity, but the thing that tore it was finding the love letters she'd written to her other man. That's what would do it to me as well.

I don't consider deep friendship to be cheating, so given those choices, I've got to go with the one-night stand.
Not just deep friendship...unrequited love type never-consumated romance.

Condoms break... also there are some STD's that a condom can not protect against. Also for men who cheat and think they have not contracted a STD. Unfortunately for the women in your life they might find out first. Men are carriers and or asymptomatic for some of the diseases... Now I will trot off and get some source material regarding my statements above.

I was not aware of any STD that a properly used condom did not protect both people from. Any details would be appreciated.

Condoms do not break if they are made by reputable companies and are used correctly.

People, not just men, can be asymptomatic carriers of diseases. All the more reason to use condoms.

I am not advocating cheating, but I am questioning what is wrong with it?

I am not advocating cheating, but I am questioning what is wrong with it?
In my mind, just the things you've already listed. I think they are enough:). If you want the type of relationship where you can 'stray'...be open about it, and just maybe you'll get your wish...or the freedom to find someone who will be amenable to that type of open relationship.

People have to decide, openly, to be monogamous or not. Anything less than open is deceit, and that is at the core of 'what is wrong with cheating'.

Not just deep friendship...unrequited love type never-consumated romance.
I don't know--seems to me that that type of friendship couldn't include unrequited love, that there would be something that holds one or the other back from attempting a consummation. Don't get me wrong--I think the potential for disaster is very present in that kind of case, but until the line is crossed, I don't think it's cheating.

I was not aware of any STD that a properly used condom did not protect both people from. Any details would be appreciated.

Condoms do not break if they are made by reputable companies and are used correctly.

People, not just men, can be asymptomatic carriers of diseases. All the more reason to use condoms.

I am not advocating cheating, but I am questioning what is wrong with it?
I have some source material in my original quote. One disease that comes into to question specifically is HPV. I am trying to find more comprehensive web sites. The manual listed above is great if you really want to know more. I will post other links as new replies from now on.

1. If the other person doesn't know, then they have been duped just as much as the regular partner of the cheater. If they do know, and continue the relationship anyways, they are every bit as much at fault as the cheater. I wouldn't hold them responsible for bringing the affair to light, but they certainly shouldn't continue it if they know the other person is attached - for the health of everyone involved.

2. I would want to know. My first impulse would probably be to end the relationship immediately. If I thought we could work through whatever problems were cauing him to stray, I might stick around to try that, as long as I got a promise that it wouldn't happen again - and he had the knowledge that there would be no third chance.

3. A long-term affair would definitely hurt more than a one-night stand.

I don't know--seems to me that that type of friendship couldn't include unrequited love, that there would be something that holds one or the other back from attempting a consummation. Don't get me wrong--I think the potential for disaster is very present in that kind of case, but until the line is crossed, I don't think it's cheating.
Seriously?

Hmm.

Well, in my mind, were my husband to have a very close, female friend, with whom he shared all his feelings about life and ME to, spent a lot of time with, took the kids out with and so on...I would feel MUCH more threatened, physical relationship or not. (this is a case from RL by the way, a rather painful-to-watch office romance that never QUITE steps over the line into physical cheating...but in my mind they are both already guilty of betraying their spouses).

I think this sort of thing is worse than a no-string attached (re, no emotional attachment) fling. It promises to be more long-term, and potentially more devestating to the relationship.

I am not advocating cheating, but I am questioning what is wrong with it?

Deceipt is not exactly something you want to be a part of a long-term relationship.

III. Prevalence of and Risk Factors for HPV

Genital HPV infection is the most common sexually transmitted infection for both men and women in the United States. About 20 million Americans at any given point in time are currently infected, and about 5.5 million people become newly infected each year. A recent Duke University estimate suggests that about 80% of sexually active men and women will have acquired genital HPV by age 50. Genital HPV infection is primarily transmitted through sexual intercourse. Most infections are asymptomatic, so the usual source of transmission is an individual who has no idea he or she is infected. The most important predictor of infection for women is young age, followed by number of sex partners. For men, the leading risk factor is number of partners. For both women and men, the risk of acquiring a genital HPV infection generally increases with increasing numbers of lifetime male sex partners. In addition, another factor that increases a woman's risk of HPV infection is the sexual activity of her partner. Several studies have indicated that for a woman, the greater the number of partners that her partner has had, the greater her risk for acquiring HPV--even if she only has sex with that one individual.

Reducing the Likelihood of Transmission – The second approach to halt spread of disease is to reduce the ability of the infection to be transmitted from an infected person to another person who is not yet infected. For STD, the most common approach to reduce transmission likelihood has been physical barriers such as condoms. Many studies have evaluated the effectiveness of condoms in preventing genital HPV infection; however, all have significant methodologic limitations which make their interpretation difficult. Presently, the effect of condoms in prevention of HPV infection is unknown. While some published studies of HPV infection have found evidence of reduced risk associated with condom use, most published studies on genital HPV infection and condom use have not shown a protective effect of condoms. However, available studies suggest that condoms reduce the risk of the clinically important outcomes of genital warts and cervical cancer (see January 2004 CDC HPV Report to Congress). One possible explanation for the protective effect of condoms against warts and cancer is that condom use could reduce the quantity of HPV transmitted or decrease the likelihood of re-exposure, thereby decreasing the chance of developing clinical disease. An alternative explanation is that condom use may reduce exposure to a co-factor for cervical cancer, such as chlamydia or genital herpes, thereby reducing the chance of developing cervical cancer. The available scientific evidence is not sufficient to recommend condoms as a primary prevention strategy for the prevention of genital HPV infection. There is evidence that indicates that the use of condoms may reduce the risk of cervical cancer.

source: http://www.hhs.gov/asl/testify/t040311a.html

Also, I put the onus entirely on the cheater, not the person they are cheating with. Though I laugh at those who gain their partners through cheating...cripes...you got him/her because they cheated with you and left their partner...do you REALLY trust this person not to do the same to you? Dumbass.

If anyone posts something about condoms not stopping HIV, I will hunt them down and sodomise them with a 10 foot barbwire-wrapped pole.
It's a flat out lie, most likely spread by some sex-scared church.
Don't do it. You risk convincing some poor sod that safe sex doesn't matter. Thank you.

Anyway... Cheating is wrong, because you're betraying the most intimate thing you share with your partner. Unless you live in an open relationship, but then it's hardly cheating, is it?

I don't see how it can be anyone's fault but your partner, unless the person s/he cheats on you with, is a friend of yours.
Not that I would be calm about it or anything. All is fair in love & war. And if you can screw someone's partner, you can also take the hideous beating you'll get. Broken bones is to be expected if you break a relationship.

The relationship I committed to requires faithfullness at the physical, spiritual, and intellectual levels. It's my choice - if others cope with it differently it's their deal - but it strikes me as unwise from the way I understand human nature. Anyone knowingly facilitating in trying to destroy this commitment will make me angry.

1. Depends. If the know and encourage it, they are guilty as well, if they know and just let things happen i wouldnt be too angry with them. If they dont know the are innocent.
2. I do want to know. That way i could see what lead to this point and maybe we could correct things going wrong in the relationship.
3. A longterm, non-physical romance would hurt me more. I feel secure enough to not break down in tears or get riled up about the imagined slight that i might be a terrible lover. But in a relationship i want to be the confident of my partner and could not stand the thought of being excluded from things and thoughts another person shares, beyond what is family or best chum.

The opinions seem to vary on this topic, so I thought I'd get some NS perspective!

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?


I'm a heartless bastard, as has been evidenced repeatedly in the past, so my answers should not surprise.

1. Unless the person who 'helps' someone cheat is a friend of the one being cheated on, absolutely not. If I slept with someone and later found out he or she was with someone I did not know, I would not feel the tiniest bit guilty. It is not my duty to make sure the guy or girl I'm about to sleep with has a significant other. In fact, if I slept with someone who I later found out was dating one of my friends, I would not feel bad. I would feel bad for my friend and his or her cheating partner, but I would not feel bad that I was the one that 'helped' cheat. Unless I knowingly slept with a friend's partner, which I cannot conceive myself ever doing, I would not feel bad at all. I am not the one doing anything wrong.

2. I would want to know, but without having he/she know that I knew, so I could get back at him/her in the most embarrassing and unpleasant way possible, hopefully involving a large crowd and his or her nudity.

3. Long-term cheating is worse, in my mind, because it signifies that something was so terribly wrong in the relationship that the partner had to go elsewhere to find fulfillment. You can chalk up a one-night stand to plenty of things, including alcohol or a fight, that do not inherently point towards a flaw in the relationship. I think it is easier to forgive a one-night stand than long-term infidelity.

Also, I put the onus entirely on the cheater, not the person they are cheating with. Though I laugh at those who gain their partners through cheating...cripes...you got him/her because they cheated with you and left their partner...do you REALLY trust this person not to do the same to you? Dumbass.

I hate to quote Eminem, but the song 'Superman' really gets your point across well.


How could it ever be just us two?
Never loved you enough to trust you
We just met and I just fucked you

Also, I put the onus entirely on the cheater, not the person they are cheating with.

If I steal a diamond and give it to you - telling you that I stole it - and you then go and sell it and get money from it, are you not responsible for anything?

Better yet, if I tell you I'm going to steal you a diamond, and you drive me to the jewelry store and wait outside while I go steal it and then hand it to you, are you not responsible for anything?

Though I laugh at those who gain their partners through cheating...cripes...you got him/her because they cheated with you and left their partner...do you REALLY trust this person not to do the same to you? Dumbass.

Yeah, I never got that. I had a friend in high school who started dating a girl who first slept with him while cheating on someone else. When she cheated on him, he came to me all upset with, "How could she do this to me?" I reminded him that she had cheated on someone else with him and he answered, "Yeah, but I didn't think she'd do it to me."

If I steal a diamond and give it to you - telling you that I stole it - and you then go and sell it and get money from it, are you not responsible for anything?

Better yet, if I tell you I'm going to steal you a diamond, and you drive me to the jewelry store and wait outside while I go steal it and then hand it to you, are you not responsible for anything?
Yeah, you've used this sort of example before. It's not going to sway me:) I put the onus on the person who has broken faith with their partner, not the person they happen to shag. That person has no responsibility to make sure the cheater remains faithful. That's a personal thing, and I refuse to shift the blame in any way, shape, or form.

Yeah, you've used this sort of example before. It's not going to sway me:) I put the onus on the person who has broken faith with their partner, not the person they happen to shag. That person has no responsibility to make sure the cheater remains faithful. That's a personal thing, and I refuse to shift the blame in any way, shape, or form.

I agree based on logic. Emotionally, couldn't you help but think that they may have helped break a thing of great value? If they didn't come along and add some pressure that things would have stayed ok?

Ok, maybe I have an anger problem. I would want to punish somebody physically, and of course it couldn't be my wife. And I guess that's not right, but the urge to blame is strong.

Yeah, you've used this sort of example before. It's not going to sway me:) I put the onus on the person who has broken faith with their partner, not the person they happen to shag. That person has no responsibility to make sure the cheater remains faithful. That's a personal thing, and I refuse to shift the blame in any way, shape, or form.

I'm not saying that the person has a responsibility to make sure the cheater remains faithful - that is completely on the cheater. However, having sex with someone you know is cheating on someone else is a crime in and of itself.

However, I can't possibly respect someone saying "I don't care how my actions affect other people. I'm not the one breaking faith, so it doesn't matter that I am doing something harmful."

How is having sex with a cheater any different than standing by and listening as one spouse emotionally abuses the other? Actually, it may be worse than doing this - because in the case of having sex with a cheater, you get personal gratification out of it. So here you are, getting your fun at the expense of the emotional health of someone else. Is it ok because you don't know them?

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?
2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?
3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?

1. I feel guilty so yes.
2. I would like to know. Preferably by her telling me so we could work things out. If I had to find out she would not respect our relationship be being dishonest.
3. Depending on 2)....but I think the friendship can be a-okay as long as it's not physically consummated AND as long as the relationship doesn't suffer of the friendship (no time for the partner). So one-night stand is worse. Also because people should think before they act

To Alien Born

This is one other link: http://www.ppatp.org/the_truth_about_condoms.htm

and some of the information it presents

Quote
HPV and Herpes

Condoms provide some protection against viruses such as human papilloma virus (HPV) and herpes simplex virus (HSV), that infect the general genital area (CDC, 1998). The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommend condom usage as a way to reduce the risk of both infections (CDC, 1998; CDC 2002). Since HPV and herpes viruses ‘shed’ beyond the covered area, however, condoms do not provide as complete protection as they do for other pathogens, but two recent Dutch studies have found that condom use promotes the regression of HPV lesions in women and men, as well as the clearance of HPV infection in women (Hogewoning et al.; 2003; Maaike Iet al., 2003) Unquote

The above info though didn't weed out the extraneous variables of different strains and that some HPV naturally clears up on it's own. Actually the majority.

There are too many diseases and disease states to even go over one of them adequately...long story short condoms can reduce transmissability of some diseases but can not exclude any of them all the time due to a plethora of reasons.

I'm responding to this before I read any of the other responses so don't hold them in mind with my responses.

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

I guess that would depend on the precise nature of the 'help', as you put it. If the person on the outside of the relationship isn't doing anything to encourage the cheater, then they can't begulity of aiding. What would they be gulity of, looking good? And if they don't actually engave in activities that would constitute cheating on the behalf of the person already in the relationship did that person actually cheat (although for some I do understand that attempted cheating and even just wishful thinking that they never planned to act upon are tantamount to capitol crimes).


2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?

I would have to say yes here based on how the question is worded. To me, cheating is going behind my back. My wife and I are poly and hold an "open marriage". What this means is that either of us can be in another relationship that involves sex with someone other than ourselves. Part of our arrangement is that the other is aware of who we are with and hold a veto power. Details of encounters are not necessarily up for grabs. If she has a sexual relationship with someone else and I am aware of who it is and that it is indeed occuring, I don't view that as cheating. If she were to hold a realtionship clandestinly(sp?) then yes she would be cheating.

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?

Ok what I don't understand is how this later part can be considered cheating (at least outside of a abusive controling relationship). Your fathfulness to the relationship has nothing to do with how deep your friendship withsomeone else is. If such was the case I'd be "cheating" with 4 or 5 people right now.

I have been the "other woman". I didn't know that was what I was, but I was. The girlfriend (I thouht that I was the girlfriend and she was the ex) hated me, and I had no idea why. It was because he was stringing her along, and to her, at least, he was cheating on her with me. Now, they are back together, and she still hates me.
Like, "huh?", right? WTF?
Whether the "other woman" knows or not, whether she initiates the relationship with the attached man or simply welcomes his advances, SHE is not cheating. It's not the nicest thing to do to "help" a guy cheat, but if it weren't with her, the man would cheat with someone else. It is no one's fault but his own if he can't keep it in his pants.

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?

2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?

3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?


1) If the object of sin doesn't know of the cheater's commitment, no guilt on their part.
Now if they know about the other's commitment, it get's a little blurry for me. On the one hand, if there's an open relationship, it doesn't count as cheating for me anyways.
But if it is not an open relationship, it is definitely cheating, and there's at list some guilt on the object of sin's side, imho. But the main part of the guilt still rest on the cheater's side, unless they have an actual reason to cheat (and yes, I do think such reasons exist).

2) I would definitely want to know of it, wether its an open relationship or not.
In an open relationship, because I'd consider not-telling equivalent to actual cheating (as I want to know what my (currently hypothetical) boyfriend's been up to).
And if it's a monogamous relationship, I would want to know because - although I think there are some things which the partner should just not know - I require complete honesty regarding this aspect. Then I could still make my disicion to forgive and stay, or to move on. But I don't want anything to come up in a few years and kick my ass.

3) A one night-stand I think I could definitely for give. However, I'm in favor of an open-relationship-model anyways, so if he's only looking for something I cannot - or don't want to - give him physically, I'd rather he indulges himself every once instead of coming to resent me for not giving him what he want (say, dark hair, fabulous abs or fetishes - safe anything that I consider an abomination).
It's not so clear with a platonic friendship he could have on a side. The reason why I'm unsure about this is simply because it's hard to determine then where good friends end and platonical lovers start. However, if he is actually in love with someone else, I'd probably, uh, let him go. Polyarmory and polyfidelity are two options I haven't endorsed yet.

I have been the "other woman". I didn't know that was what I was, but I was.

Then you aren't guilty of anything. You got duped too. This guy really is a first-class loser.

Whether the "other woman" knows or not, whether she initiates the relationship with the attached man or simply welcomes his advances, SHE is not cheating.

Is cheating the only bad thing a person can do? She is contributing to the crime - thus she is guilty of her own part in it (but only if she knows).

It's not the nicest thing to do to "help" a guy cheat, but if it weren't with her, the man would cheat with someone else.

Not if no one would sleep with him. Seriously, this is like saying, "Sure, I'll drive your getaway car for you while you rob a bank. If I don't do it, someone else will" or "Sure, I'll sit by and watch you emotionally abuse your spouse. After all, you'll do it no matter what I say."

It is no one's fault but his own if he can't keep it in his pants.

This is true - but goes equally for the other person.

Deceipt is not exactly something you want to be a part of a long-term relationship.

Honest 'cheating' though is not a problem then? By this I mean giving way to temptation, and then confessing it immediately. I agree that deceit is a problem, it destroys trust and a relationship rquires trust to function at any meaningful level. But a confessed slip, is that a problem?

Honest 'cheating' though is not a problem then? By this I mean giving way to temptation, and then confessing it immediately. I agree that deceit is a problem, it destroys trust and a relationship rquires trust to function at any meaningful level. But a confessed slip, is that a problem?

I certainly think it is a problem - but not the same as trying to hide it. A "slip" is most likely caused by an underlying problem. If that problem is that the cheater truly is not capable of a monogomous relationship - then the other person needs to drop them. If there is a problem in a relationship that leads to a "slip", it might be worked out - just as a heated argument that leads to people saying things they don't mean can be worked out.

One way or another, there is something that needs to be worked through, even if it is only the loss of trust that would come along with such a "slip".

Edit: In truth, the act of cheating is, itself - deception. In a monogomous relationship, you have told one person that you will not have sexual relations with any other person. If you do that, your original pledge was not really truthful. Now, if you made that pledge in good faith, but gave in once and broke it - you still have broken faith with the other person.

Then you aren't guilty of anything. You got duped too. This guy really is a first-class loser. He's not all bad. He's the one who told me about Nationstates.

1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater? What if they don't know the cheater is attached? What if they do? To what extent would you assign blame to the person who enables the cheater?

It takes two to tango, but either of them can stop the dance.


2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not? Imagine that the cheating never got around, people weren't talking about it, and you weren't humiliated with the knowledge...would that be good enough for you if your partner came through in every other way? Or would you rather know, and if so, how would you deal with the cheating up?

Difficult question. If my partner wanted to try something new and was up front about it, I would prefer that to after-the-fact knowledge. I might feel rather threatened by the entire thing, but people who set their minds to "cheat" are going to regardless.


3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating? For example...someone whose best friend attracted to him/her, and visa versa, who have never actually becomes involved physically, but who have no secrets from one another, are best 'friends'...who routinely confide their relationship issues to one another etc, compared to a drunken one-night stand...which would bother you more?

I would feel much more threatened by the "best friends" situation. A "fling" now and then doesn't threaten the long term relationship nearly as much as a "best friends" relationship. "Best friends" can more easily turn into "best friend with privileges" than a "fling" can turn into a "best friends" situation.

It would depend upon how comitted I was to the relationship, I suppose. The end of my longest-lasting relationship wasn't the result of "cheating" with another person by either party, so it's difficult to say just how I would react to what.

1) Hell Yes

2) I would like to know straight away so i can deal with the situation asap

3) The second one

Cheating sucks unless it gives you extra ammo or invulnerability. That's my 2 cents.

1) That person is an asshole. Maybe not as guilty as the actual cheatress but an asshole nonetheless. There's even a business-line that gives you fake alibis... Sad, so sad.

2) Well, if I don't know that the girl is cheating on me - why would it affect me? If, however, I found out, that girl is history. No pleading, no crying, there's the door, get the fuck out. I don't cheat. I expect likewise. Never. Call. Me. Again. Bitch.

3) Look up #2. You're out! When the trust is gone, the love's gone as well. It hurts, yes. But that's life.

Originally Posted by Sinuhue
1) Do you think that the person who 'helps' someone cheat (as in, are the object of their lustful, cheating advances) is as guilty as the cheater?
2) If your partner was cheating on you, and you somehow had a choice in the matter, would you want to know about it or not?
3) What kind of cheating is worse? One night-stand type cheating based on no more than physical attraction, or long-term relationship (that may never be physically consummated) deep friendship cheating?

Here goes:
1) If the facilitator is unaware, then i don't think they are guilty. If they were unaware at first, and then learned the truth, then they are guilty. same goes if they knew from the start. I have been an unknowing facilitator, and broke it off immediately upon finding out. I have also been in a non-consumated relationship with a married person... and that relationship caused issues for me... and guilt. And i must admit, i almost wished at times that i hadn't found out *sigh*

2) If I am cheated upon, i would like to know immediately. Of course, the times it did happen, i knew it almost instantly and approached my partner... after much questioning and resistance, he did relent and admitted to cheating. I want to know because if i am in a monogamous relationship, i expect respect and faithfulness. If they break faith, then i cannot trust them anymore. I've tried to get past it, i just know myself enough now to know that i can't. And there are also diseases to consider...

3) For me, cheating is cheating. I would like to think that a one-night stand is less cheating and i have counselled friends as such if they are ready to forgive and move on... unfortunately, for me the end result will be the same: a break-up.

As for the deep friendship, if it does not interfere with the relationship, no problem. If the friendship is to replace something missing in the relationship... then that is the same as cheating to me. you either face your problems or you get out. you don't jerk someone's feelings around

I am not advocating cheating, but I am questioning what is wrong with it?
then there is the part where when your wife finds out and takes a butcher knife to your private parts while you sleep

id be very careful about cheating on a brazillian woman.

The adulterer is much more at fault than the person they cheat on their SO with. It's not the nicest thing in the world to have sex with someone who is already involved, but to cheat is a horrendous betrayal of trust. Big difference.