Dontgonearthere
06-07-2005, 12:34
These are simply random bits from threads that generaly were well received by the replies, of course, most of my REALLY good stuff vanished with the forum purges, and I COULD dig through 1,500 pages of NS to find them, but I wont.
Sun to be shut down:
This just in:
After ignoring numerous requests to put up "Warning: Hot" signs, the
Sun has been declared an 'outlaw star' and will be shut down by a joint
international operation.
The US will be spearheading the operation, and a team of United States
marines has been sent with instructions to find the off switch.
Liberal democrats have begun to rally protests, declaring that the Sun
is a soverign nation and thus has its own political rights and laws,
but these arguements were shot down after it was pointed out that
nobody lived on the sun.
The Environmentalist parties throughout the world were vehimently
against the operation, saying that without the Sun our planet will
suffer massive environmental damage, but they were unable to
substanciate the claims.
Michael Moore has announced a that he plans to release Farenieht:
20,000,000,000 as soon as possible, to counteract the International
Communities quoteunquote "Insane plan".
Most people are hailing this as a wonderful turn of events, saying that
this is a step up for interstellar saftey, and enforing these rules
will cause more stars to warn people of the potential burns they may
suffer while venturing too close.
Next on the list, Jupiter has been issued a warning for failing to
place 'Deep gravity well' signs around its area...
---
Long, Pointles rant
Once upon a time, my goat ate a bush, and this bush was in my neighbors
yard, and my neighbor didnt like this, so he was like "Waaaaaaarrrrr!"
and came after me with a shotgun and I was like "DUDE!" and he was like
"DUDE!" and tried to shoot me, but I had a big stick and I hit him with
it and he went "Dude..." and died, so I took his gun and broke all the
windows in his house and he was dead at that point so he couldnt really
comment on it.
Anyway, I went down to the lake and my friend was there, and I was like
"Dude, you kissed a guy last night!" and he was like "Dude, but the
lighting was bad!" and I was like "Whatever, dude." and threw him in
the lake.
Anyway, I wanted to water ski at this point so I went to the rental
shack and the guy was like "$39876987696324293.23 per hour, plus
$50,000,000 for damages," and I was like "Woooah" and then I hit him
with a waterski, which I then rode. So I was on the lake and my other
friends are like "Dude, I got the new SSX-55234 and I can beat you any
day!" and my other friend was like, "I got the V23 555, and it can
pwnzor you!" and I was like "Hey, I got this greyish-red piece of crap
rental," and they laughed at me and told me they were just leaving. I
got kinda mad at this point and rammed them, proving once and for all
that rental speeders, while not as fast as custom-jobs are much more
durable. Once I had tied my friends to their sinking jet-skies I left
for the park to eat some babies, but apparently my saturday habits had
already been observed, and no mothers were there with their babies, so
I had to settle for the Duck&Bum seasoned with pond scum and cooked in
gasoline. Its not as good as baby, but it really fills you up, although
sometimes its hard to catch the ducks and boiling an entire pond is a
real pain. Anyway after that I went to the police station and was like
"Dude! I didnt do it!" and the cops were like "Yeah, whatever." and
shot me a few times. This pissed me off a bit so I ate their skulls,
and they were like "Dude, my skull!" and I laughed at them, because
they had nothing to protect their brains, which were subject to much
poking shortly thereafter. So then I took all their guns and went on a
rampage in downtown, but this didnt go over well and the military came
and shot me a few times as well, which made me angry but really didnt
hurt that much, so I ate their skulls as well. I was kinda full at that
point but all the calcium was good for my bones, so I let it pass.
After that it went downhill 'cause Godzilla came and tried to eat me
but I was too fast and gave him a shotgun suppository, which slowed him
down quite a bit, but was rather nasty. Rodan came as well but nobody
really cared about him except for Godzilla, and they made sweet, sweet
love all night and kept the neighbors up, or crushed them. Whichever.
After all its freedom of expression and all that. Godzilla was happy
about it though, and smoked a ciggarette the size of downtown which
gave everybody cancer and turned them into zombies for some reason,
although this passed unnoticed because an asteroid hit Godzilla and
coated most of the town in scales and assorted goo. Rhodan was kinda
sad, but said 'Meh, dude' and few off to find somebody else his size.
The zombies proceded to consume Godzillas flesh and were happy,
enabling me to go on a shotgun rampage against them when they started
their elections and were trying to trade with the outside world to
establish a new undead civilization. Cant have that sort of thing, now
can we? Anyway, once the zombies were dead I still had to deal with the
mess in the town, zombies are messy eaters and I really had a hard time
getting the brains out of the sidewalk. It took me only a few years but
now the town is in good condition but I have to keep people out, so
theres a big corpse wall outside. Basicaly my plan is that I can kill
enough people and cement the corpses together to form a giant tower to
channel the evil necromatic energies of the world into me so that I can
raise the army of the dead and overun Canada and establish an evil
empire, with many, many hot female dominatrix torturer persons as well
as a few subervient types for me. Anyway thats in the future, who wants
to join? Just sell me your soul and your guarunteed citizenship. If you
dont join I will just have to consume your soul anyway and its a very
unpleasant process but I will do it to each and every person who doesnt
join. Aside from that I need a new goat, because my old one was eaten
by Rhodan. Typing this rant has givin me a cramp in my neck, so Ill
leave it up to whoever wants to to continue it, please be my guest but
continue with the randomness and lack of puncuation and such,
mispellings are good as well, and frequent uses of the word 'dude'.
Also, I went to the white house and I was like, DUDE! This is nice!
And the president was there and he was like, DUDE! You cant be here!,
and I was like sez you! and shot him, then these guys in black robes
came out and were like, dude! You shot our figurehead! Now we cannot
take over the world, dude! and I was like, dude! Illuminati! And they
were like ohshit! He figured it out! RUN! and they ran and I shot them
anyway, just 'cause.
DISCLAIMER:
WARNING: The preceding document contains content which may present a
hazard to your mental health, those in an unbalanced state SHOULD NOT
READ IT. Those in a balanced state should drink at least six cups of
high caffine coffee before attempting to comprehend it.
I do not support or condone the eating of babies or bums. Duck is quite
good however.
---
Aliens!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Earlier today a race of aliens launched what appears to have been an
invasion of Dontgonearthere, thosands of alien motherships simply
dropped out of the sky into the desert.
Soon afterwards the ships opened their hatches and disgourged thosands
of evil alien warriors, bearing what appeared to be laser guided socks.
These warriors proceded to race across the open area towards all of our
major cities, no doubt planning to employ various tentacles to go on a
rampage of high-school rape, assorted disembowling and all that.
However, as it turns out, the aliens have a deadly allergic reaction to
even the smallest amounts water, so they all died when their lungs
melted and their skin fell off.
To counter the alien threat, Dontgonearthere has dispatched a number of
CubScouts armed with supersoakers to the alien worlds, so far we have
had only one casualty, due to a splinter.
The aliens sock-weapons have thus far proved totaly inneffective, and
apparently they commited much of their military to the strike on
Dontgonearthere. Most of the aliens appear to be unarmed, their main
occupation is doing the Flashy-Stalking-Camera-Thingy, without much
sucess because they are pink, four feet tall and have eyes a foot wide.
And so, the day was saved, by good ol Dihydrogenmonoxide!
This message brought to you by the Dontgonearthere National Water
Board, because none of the major news networks really cared.
GOT WATER?
---
1. Law of Shattered Glass
Shards of glass are harmless, especially when they are produced by the
hero jumping headfirst through a window.
2. Law of Blood
All heros have more blood than any three givin bloodbanks combined.
3. The Law of Supercomputers
All computers will have a highly advanced console program that will
understand plain English, and "override security" always works.
4. Law of Vehicular Pyrotechnics
All bullets fired in movies contained small incindiary or explosive
charges, these do not produce any noticable effect on a body, but will
ignite a cars gastank and cause it to explode in a huge fireball which
would actually require a few hundred gallons of gasoline to acheive.
5. Law of Explosions
The only thing that explodes better than a helicopter, relative to its
mass, is an embassy.
6. Law of Lasers
A laser which can cut through several inches of steel will be diverted
by pocket change.
7. Law of Big Words
The believeability of a nefarious plot is inversely proportinal to the
amount of megasyllabic words used to describe it.
8. Law of Ammunition
A hero will never have to reload except for dramatic effect, even if he
is using a six shooter, or 'break open' shotgun.
9. Law of Computer Pyrotechnics
When a computer crashes, it explodes. It is also possible to create a
virus that will produce the same.
10. Law of Computer Mechanics
Shooting and/or smashing a computers monitor will automatically destroy
its harddrive as well.
11. Law of Fat People
Fat people are always either sweaty, rude, from New York, or some
combination of all the above.
12. Law of Speed
Cars can drive fast enough to outrun a helicopter chasing them with a
huge machine gun mounted on it.
13. Law of Explosions - Explosions will always miss the star of the
movie by at least one meter.
14. The Storm-Trooper Effect
Any underlings who attempt to shoot a hero will invariably miss.
CORROLARY A: The chance of hitting is exponentially decreased for each
of the following factors: If it is a clear shot; if the hero is
standing straight up; if it is daylight; if their weapons have scopes.
CORROLARY B: The hero is highly likely to shoot and kill many of the
afore-mentioned underlings, especialy if he is drunk, near uncontious,
concussed, upside-down, and using a broken weapon.
15. Law of Ballistic Incandesence
Bullets are well known for the fact that they appear bright orange at
night, and appear blurred yet visible in daylight. They are also known
for giving of sparks whenever they make contact, even on stone
surfices.
16. Law of Torn Clothing
If an outfit is torn, it will invariably be ripped so that if the
wearer is
a) female, as much of her chest and stomach will be showing as possible
for the attempted rating, or
b) male, the hero's pects, abs, and large upper arms will be showing as
possible.
17. The Law of Bullet Motions:
A bullet in motion stays in motion, unless it encounters an important
charecter, in which case the bullets path is diverted to the extent
needed to ricochet off the wall and send sparks flying.
18. Law of Female Actors:
Breasts in motion tend to stay in motion.
19. Law of Inverse Relations:
No matter how badly things start off, or even end, the hero WILL get
the girl.
20. Law of Medical Wossnames:
The hero can survive exactly enough radiation/poison/smoke inhaltion to
save the day, at the end there is a %95 chance that he will go
unconcious, wake up in a hospital with his girl, in which case law 19
goes into effect. The other %5 is that he will make a brave sacrifice
for the world and so forth.
21. Law of Aliens:
Any alien will automaticaly be deemed hostile if it is repitilian or
excretes excess slime.
22. Law of Recoil:
Automatic weapons have no recoil. Not even miniguns firing on full
auto.
23. Law of Instant heat Dispertion:
Weapons never overheat unless its dramatic.
36. Second Law of Explosions
Spaceships will explode in a flaming orange fireball when the hull is
breached. The presence of oxygen required for combustion of said orange
fireball is obvious - the cameraman brought it.
37. Law of Emotions
All good characters are immune to PTSD. Compassionate, caring,
considerate heroes can take a hand gun and kill 27 people with it, then
go dancing with the girl at the end of the hostilities. Heroes never
vomit, break into sweats, develop twitches, or pee their pants, no
matter how much blood is on their hands. The horror of ending forever
another human life never makes them cry.
38. Law of Floozies
In direct contrast to #37 above, heroes will grieve the death of a girl
they met at a bar 15 minutes ago. This grieving makes them faster,
stronger, and better marksmen in direct porportion to the
attractiveness of the girl. If she's a real hottie, the hero will be
able to bend gun barrels with his bare hands and his primordal screams
will shatter large plates of bullet proof glass.
---
Random Smilie Comic for those who remember it
Private Rambo says:
http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/enluzi.gif[/imh]
Sir! The rebels are coming! The rebels are coming!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Wha-? Cant you see im sleeping?
Private Rambo says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/enluzi.gif
But sir! Rebels! Coming this way! Now! Must run! Get hel-
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
HAve the wizards deal with it.
[img]http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/games/ff/ffIX/vivi9.gif
Sorry sir, all the wizards are eating lunner.
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Augh! Wizards and their big meals...what about the massess of poorly
trained, under equipped troops?
Private Rambo says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/enluzi.gif
You sent them off to be trained, so you wouldnt have to show them how
to turn off the saftey in the middle of a battle...
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Well...what about that fuzzy eyeball thing?
Fuzzy Eyeball: Nope, sorry.
Soldier: Sir! The rebels are almost here!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
What-...I thought you said I sent off all the soldiers!!!
Soldier: Well, some of us were to lazy, or couldnt be woken up. One of the guys has dysentary and craps out his intestines every time he moves.
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Oh, well, in that case, go fight the rebels!
Soldier: WHAT? Nobody said ANYTHING about FIGHTING when I joined the army!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Really? DEAL WITH IT!
Soldier in Big Suit of Armour: All right, sir, I found this, can I keep it?
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
No! Thats Tropico proprety!
Soldier But I found it! I wanna keep it!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
*sigh* only if you clean up any messess you make using it!
[img]http://smilies.crowd9.com/contrib/xerx/happyspoonboy.gif
There is no spoon.
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Hey! Who are you?
[img]http://smilies.crowd9.com/contrib/xerx/happyspoonboy.gif
There is no spoon.
Private Rambo says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/enluzi.gif
Wierd...it has a body...
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Yeah, this calls for disection! GUARDS! Give it to Mengelle!
[img]http://216.40.249.192/s/games/ff/ff6/soldier/upsetr.gif
Awww, but I was having FUN! *gestures to burning village*
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Fine fine, you can go back to your playing after you remove him!
Soldier: YAY!
[img]http://smilies.crowd9.com/contrib/xerx/happyspoonboy.gif
There is no- OW! Hey! Get off! owowowowowowowow! OUCH! No! I need
that! I NEED THAT! *crunch* AUGH! AUGH! MY SPLEEN! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
YOU BROKE MY SPLEEEEENNNNN!!!
Soldier: All done sir!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
All right, drag him off to Mengelle, then get back here and go back to
burning rebels.
And everybody lived happily ever after.
(Except the spoon guy, he lived (or rather, unlived) very very
unhappily), Mengelle does love his zombies.
(I had to break all the smilie tags in order to post the comic, sorry. Stupid Jolt :P)
The end, enjoy?
Sun to be shut down:
This just in:
After ignoring numerous requests to put up "Warning: Hot" signs, the
Sun has been declared an 'outlaw star' and will be shut down by a joint
international operation.
The US will be spearheading the operation, and a team of United States
marines has been sent with instructions to find the off switch.
Liberal democrats have begun to rally protests, declaring that the Sun
is a soverign nation and thus has its own political rights and laws,
but these arguements were shot down after it was pointed out that
nobody lived on the sun.
The Environmentalist parties throughout the world were vehimently
against the operation, saying that without the Sun our planet will
suffer massive environmental damage, but they were unable to
substanciate the claims.
Michael Moore has announced a that he plans to release Farenieht:
20,000,000,000 as soon as possible, to counteract the International
Communities quoteunquote "Insane plan".
Most people are hailing this as a wonderful turn of events, saying that
this is a step up for interstellar saftey, and enforing these rules
will cause more stars to warn people of the potential burns they may
suffer while venturing too close.
Next on the list, Jupiter has been issued a warning for failing to
place 'Deep gravity well' signs around its area...
---
Long, Pointles rant
Once upon a time, my goat ate a bush, and this bush was in my neighbors
yard, and my neighbor didnt like this, so he was like "Waaaaaaarrrrr!"
and came after me with a shotgun and I was like "DUDE!" and he was like
"DUDE!" and tried to shoot me, but I had a big stick and I hit him with
it and he went "Dude..." and died, so I took his gun and broke all the
windows in his house and he was dead at that point so he couldnt really
comment on it.
Anyway, I went down to the lake and my friend was there, and I was like
"Dude, you kissed a guy last night!" and he was like "Dude, but the
lighting was bad!" and I was like "Whatever, dude." and threw him in
the lake.
Anyway, I wanted to water ski at this point so I went to the rental
shack and the guy was like "$39876987696324293.23 per hour, plus
$50,000,000 for damages," and I was like "Woooah" and then I hit him
with a waterski, which I then rode. So I was on the lake and my other
friends are like "Dude, I got the new SSX-55234 and I can beat you any
day!" and my other friend was like, "I got the V23 555, and it can
pwnzor you!" and I was like "Hey, I got this greyish-red piece of crap
rental," and they laughed at me and told me they were just leaving. I
got kinda mad at this point and rammed them, proving once and for all
that rental speeders, while not as fast as custom-jobs are much more
durable. Once I had tied my friends to their sinking jet-skies I left
for the park to eat some babies, but apparently my saturday habits had
already been observed, and no mothers were there with their babies, so
I had to settle for the Duck&Bum seasoned with pond scum and cooked in
gasoline. Its not as good as baby, but it really fills you up, although
sometimes its hard to catch the ducks and boiling an entire pond is a
real pain. Anyway after that I went to the police station and was like
"Dude! I didnt do it!" and the cops were like "Yeah, whatever." and
shot me a few times. This pissed me off a bit so I ate their skulls,
and they were like "Dude, my skull!" and I laughed at them, because
they had nothing to protect their brains, which were subject to much
poking shortly thereafter. So then I took all their guns and went on a
rampage in downtown, but this didnt go over well and the military came
and shot me a few times as well, which made me angry but really didnt
hurt that much, so I ate their skulls as well. I was kinda full at that
point but all the calcium was good for my bones, so I let it pass.
After that it went downhill 'cause Godzilla came and tried to eat me
but I was too fast and gave him a shotgun suppository, which slowed him
down quite a bit, but was rather nasty. Rodan came as well but nobody
really cared about him except for Godzilla, and they made sweet, sweet
love all night and kept the neighbors up, or crushed them. Whichever.
After all its freedom of expression and all that. Godzilla was happy
about it though, and smoked a ciggarette the size of downtown which
gave everybody cancer and turned them into zombies for some reason,
although this passed unnoticed because an asteroid hit Godzilla and
coated most of the town in scales and assorted goo. Rhodan was kinda
sad, but said 'Meh, dude' and few off to find somebody else his size.
The zombies proceded to consume Godzillas flesh and were happy,
enabling me to go on a shotgun rampage against them when they started
their elections and were trying to trade with the outside world to
establish a new undead civilization. Cant have that sort of thing, now
can we? Anyway, once the zombies were dead I still had to deal with the
mess in the town, zombies are messy eaters and I really had a hard time
getting the brains out of the sidewalk. It took me only a few years but
now the town is in good condition but I have to keep people out, so
theres a big corpse wall outside. Basicaly my plan is that I can kill
enough people and cement the corpses together to form a giant tower to
channel the evil necromatic energies of the world into me so that I can
raise the army of the dead and overun Canada and establish an evil
empire, with many, many hot female dominatrix torturer persons as well
as a few subervient types for me. Anyway thats in the future, who wants
to join? Just sell me your soul and your guarunteed citizenship. If you
dont join I will just have to consume your soul anyway and its a very
unpleasant process but I will do it to each and every person who doesnt
join. Aside from that I need a new goat, because my old one was eaten
by Rhodan. Typing this rant has givin me a cramp in my neck, so Ill
leave it up to whoever wants to to continue it, please be my guest but
continue with the randomness and lack of puncuation and such,
mispellings are good as well, and frequent uses of the word 'dude'.
Also, I went to the white house and I was like, DUDE! This is nice!
And the president was there and he was like, DUDE! You cant be here!,
and I was like sez you! and shot him, then these guys in black robes
came out and were like, dude! You shot our figurehead! Now we cannot
take over the world, dude! and I was like, dude! Illuminati! And they
were like ohshit! He figured it out! RUN! and they ran and I shot them
anyway, just 'cause.
DISCLAIMER:
WARNING: The preceding document contains content which may present a
hazard to your mental health, those in an unbalanced state SHOULD NOT
READ IT. Those in a balanced state should drink at least six cups of
high caffine coffee before attempting to comprehend it.
I do not support or condone the eating of babies or bums. Duck is quite
good however.
---
Aliens!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------
Earlier today a race of aliens launched what appears to have been an
invasion of Dontgonearthere, thosands of alien motherships simply
dropped out of the sky into the desert.
Soon afterwards the ships opened their hatches and disgourged thosands
of evil alien warriors, bearing what appeared to be laser guided socks.
These warriors proceded to race across the open area towards all of our
major cities, no doubt planning to employ various tentacles to go on a
rampage of high-school rape, assorted disembowling and all that.
However, as it turns out, the aliens have a deadly allergic reaction to
even the smallest amounts water, so they all died when their lungs
melted and their skin fell off.
To counter the alien threat, Dontgonearthere has dispatched a number of
CubScouts armed with supersoakers to the alien worlds, so far we have
had only one casualty, due to a splinter.
The aliens sock-weapons have thus far proved totaly inneffective, and
apparently they commited much of their military to the strike on
Dontgonearthere. Most of the aliens appear to be unarmed, their main
occupation is doing the Flashy-Stalking-Camera-Thingy, without much
sucess because they are pink, four feet tall and have eyes a foot wide.
And so, the day was saved, by good ol Dihydrogenmonoxide!
This message brought to you by the Dontgonearthere National Water
Board, because none of the major news networks really cared.
GOT WATER?
---
1. Law of Shattered Glass
Shards of glass are harmless, especially when they are produced by the
hero jumping headfirst through a window.
2. Law of Blood
All heros have more blood than any three givin bloodbanks combined.
3. The Law of Supercomputers
All computers will have a highly advanced console program that will
understand plain English, and "override security" always works.
4. Law of Vehicular Pyrotechnics
All bullets fired in movies contained small incindiary or explosive
charges, these do not produce any noticable effect on a body, but will
ignite a cars gastank and cause it to explode in a huge fireball which
would actually require a few hundred gallons of gasoline to acheive.
5. Law of Explosions
The only thing that explodes better than a helicopter, relative to its
mass, is an embassy.
6. Law of Lasers
A laser which can cut through several inches of steel will be diverted
by pocket change.
7. Law of Big Words
The believeability of a nefarious plot is inversely proportinal to the
amount of megasyllabic words used to describe it.
8. Law of Ammunition
A hero will never have to reload except for dramatic effect, even if he
is using a six shooter, or 'break open' shotgun.
9. Law of Computer Pyrotechnics
When a computer crashes, it explodes. It is also possible to create a
virus that will produce the same.
10. Law of Computer Mechanics
Shooting and/or smashing a computers monitor will automatically destroy
its harddrive as well.
11. Law of Fat People
Fat people are always either sweaty, rude, from New York, or some
combination of all the above.
12. Law of Speed
Cars can drive fast enough to outrun a helicopter chasing them with a
huge machine gun mounted on it.
13. Law of Explosions - Explosions will always miss the star of the
movie by at least one meter.
14. The Storm-Trooper Effect
Any underlings who attempt to shoot a hero will invariably miss.
CORROLARY A: The chance of hitting is exponentially decreased for each
of the following factors: If it is a clear shot; if the hero is
standing straight up; if it is daylight; if their weapons have scopes.
CORROLARY B: The hero is highly likely to shoot and kill many of the
afore-mentioned underlings, especialy if he is drunk, near uncontious,
concussed, upside-down, and using a broken weapon.
15. Law of Ballistic Incandesence
Bullets are well known for the fact that they appear bright orange at
night, and appear blurred yet visible in daylight. They are also known
for giving of sparks whenever they make contact, even on stone
surfices.
16. Law of Torn Clothing
If an outfit is torn, it will invariably be ripped so that if the
wearer is
a) female, as much of her chest and stomach will be showing as possible
for the attempted rating, or
b) male, the hero's pects, abs, and large upper arms will be showing as
possible.
17. The Law of Bullet Motions:
A bullet in motion stays in motion, unless it encounters an important
charecter, in which case the bullets path is diverted to the extent
needed to ricochet off the wall and send sparks flying.
18. Law of Female Actors:
Breasts in motion tend to stay in motion.
19. Law of Inverse Relations:
No matter how badly things start off, or even end, the hero WILL get
the girl.
20. Law of Medical Wossnames:
The hero can survive exactly enough radiation/poison/smoke inhaltion to
save the day, at the end there is a %95 chance that he will go
unconcious, wake up in a hospital with his girl, in which case law 19
goes into effect. The other %5 is that he will make a brave sacrifice
for the world and so forth.
21. Law of Aliens:
Any alien will automaticaly be deemed hostile if it is repitilian or
excretes excess slime.
22. Law of Recoil:
Automatic weapons have no recoil. Not even miniguns firing on full
auto.
23. Law of Instant heat Dispertion:
Weapons never overheat unless its dramatic.
36. Second Law of Explosions
Spaceships will explode in a flaming orange fireball when the hull is
breached. The presence of oxygen required for combustion of said orange
fireball is obvious - the cameraman brought it.
37. Law of Emotions
All good characters are immune to PTSD. Compassionate, caring,
considerate heroes can take a hand gun and kill 27 people with it, then
go dancing with the girl at the end of the hostilities. Heroes never
vomit, break into sweats, develop twitches, or pee their pants, no
matter how much blood is on their hands. The horror of ending forever
another human life never makes them cry.
38. Law of Floozies
In direct contrast to #37 above, heroes will grieve the death of a girl
they met at a bar 15 minutes ago. This grieving makes them faster,
stronger, and better marksmen in direct porportion to the
attractiveness of the girl. If she's a real hottie, the hero will be
able to bend gun barrels with his bare hands and his primordal screams
will shatter large plates of bullet proof glass.
---
Random Smilie Comic for those who remember it
Private Rambo says:
http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/enluzi.gif[/imh]
Sir! The rebels are coming! The rebels are coming!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Wha-? Cant you see im sleeping?
Private Rambo says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/enluzi.gif
But sir! Rebels! Coming this way! Now! Must run! Get hel-
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
HAve the wizards deal with it.
[img]http://www.gamers-forums.com/smilies/games/ff/ffIX/vivi9.gif
Sorry sir, all the wizards are eating lunner.
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Augh! Wizards and their big meals...what about the massess of poorly
trained, under equipped troops?
Private Rambo says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/enluzi.gif
You sent them off to be trained, so you wouldnt have to show them how
to turn off the saftey in the middle of a battle...
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Well...what about that fuzzy eyeball thing?
Fuzzy Eyeball: Nope, sorry.
Soldier: Sir! The rebels are almost here!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
What-...I thought you said I sent off all the soldiers!!!
Soldier: Well, some of us were to lazy, or couldnt be woken up. One of the guys has dysentary and craps out his intestines every time he moves.
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Oh, well, in that case, go fight the rebels!
Soldier: WHAT? Nobody said ANYTHING about FIGHTING when I joined the army!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Really? DEAL WITH IT!
Soldier in Big Suit of Armour: All right, sir, I found this, can I keep it?
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
No! Thats Tropico proprety!
Soldier But I found it! I wanna keep it!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
*sigh* only if you clean up any messess you make using it!
[img]http://smilies.crowd9.com/contrib/xerx/happyspoonboy.gif
There is no spoon.
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Hey! Who are you?
[img]http://smilies.crowd9.com/contrib/xerx/happyspoonboy.gif
There is no spoon.
Private Rambo says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/enluzi.gif
Wierd...it has a body...
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Yeah, this calls for disection! GUARDS! Give it to Mengelle!
[img]http://216.40.249.192/s/games/ff/ff6/soldier/upsetr.gif
Awww, but I was having FUN! *gestures to burning village*
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
Fine fine, you can go back to your playing after you remove him!
Soldier: YAY!
[img]http://smilies.crowd9.com/contrib/xerx/happyspoonboy.gif
There is no- OW! Hey! Get off! owowowowowowowow! OUCH! No! I need
that! I NEED THAT! *crunch* AUGH! AUGH! MY SPLEEN! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
YOU BROKE MY SPLEEEEENNNNN!!!
Soldier: All done sir!
Peoples Army General says:
[img]http://community.the-underdogs.org/smiley/people/offuzi.gif
All right, drag him off to Mengelle, then get back here and go back to
burning rebels.
And everybody lived happily ever after.
(Except the spoon guy, he lived (or rather, unlived) very very
unhappily), Mengelle does love his zombies.
(I had to break all the smilie tags in order to post the comic, sorry. Stupid Jolt :P)
The end, enjoy?