NationStates Jolt Archive

One of my friends recently had an experience where a trusted friend of hers was trying to force himself on her and I want to comfort her.

But I don't know how. I have been in such a position mysef and I have really only told one person, my bf, who reacted badly and it's not something I like to talk about outside the anonymity of messabe boards...

I dunno, I want to make her feel better, but I don't even know how to make myself feel better... even though this happened years ago and I've grown up and changed a lot since then... it still isn't behind me...

One of my friends recently had an experience where a trusted friend of hers was trying to force himself on her and I want to comfort her.

But I don't know how. I have been in such a position mysef and I have really only told one person, my bf, who reacted badly and it's not something I like to talk about outside the anonymity of messabe boards...

I dunno, I want to make her feel better, but I don't even know how to make myself feel better... even though this happened years ago and I've grown up and changed a lot since then... it still isn't behind me...

You need to talk about it to get rid of it. Not here, goodness no. Somebody you trust but you don't know too good is good.

Give her a big hug. Even though you may not be able to help her actively, making her know that someone is there for her is enough on your part.

*hugs Dakini to comfort her*

One of my friends recently had an experience where a trusted friend of hers was trying to force himself on her and I want to comfort her.

But I don't know how. I have been in such a position mysef and I have really only told one person, my bf, who reacted badly and it's not something I like to talk about outside the anonymity of messabe boards...

I dunno, I want to make her feel better, but I don't even know how to make myself feel better... even though this happened years ago and I've grown up and changed a lot since then... it still isn't behind me...
*Sighs*I've helped people through nearly every trauma you can think of, and sexual assault has always been the worst to deal with.

It's imperative that she goes to the authorities, because someone who's attempted it before, is likely to try it again with someone else.

It's also very, very important that you get her to talk..Be it to you, another trusted friend, or a counselor of some kind. She needs to know that it wasn't her fault, that she didn't "deserve" it. Just follow your instincts when it comes to helping her, and let her know you can relate, if you're willing to talk about that.

One of my friends recently had an experience where a trusted friend of hers was trying to force himself on her and I want to comfort her.

But I don't know how. I have been in such a position mysef and I have really only told one person, my bf, who reacted badly and it's not something I like to talk about outside the anonymity of messabe boards...

I dunno, I want to make her feel better, but I don't even know how to make myself feel better... even though this happened years ago and I've grown up and changed a lot since then... it still isn't behind me...

Some things are very hard to put behind you. I know that very, very well - I still get nervous when anyone tries to touch me, even if it's just a pat on the shoulder or something.

When I finally told some of my friends a very, very tiny portion of my story, I was both amazed and a little bit saddened at the number of them who sent me emails over the next few weeks saying things like, "Yeah, something like that happened to me a few years ago - don't tell anyone!"

All I can suggest is that you tell her the same thing you ought to tell yourself - it's NOT her fault (or yours). I know I still spend a lot of time believing I deserved what I got, and that's the worst feeling in the world.

I don't feel like I deserved it.

I just feel like I should have done more. I just felt so helpless and I didn't do anything to stop it... well, nothing that did a damn thing anyways.

If someone ever tries to rape you, (assuming you're a woman being raped by a man... call me crazy) act like you're into it, then bite their dick off, or pop a testicle, and run. And I'm dead serious - they will not come after you. A Navy SEAL couldn't take that fuckin' pain. They will not recover, I promise... I've been a guy quite some time, and, having been hit in the balls before, I can tell you with a good deal of confidence that if one of my balls were crushed, or if my dick got bitten off, I would not move voluntarily for at least a month. I'm sure most guys would tell you the same. If they have a gun, well, then you're fucked. In more ways than one.

I work in a sexuality education center as a peer counselor, and one of the things they trained us to deal with was sexual assult.

When comforting your friend, you're probably going to feel angy. That's normal. Good things to remember (and these apply to yourself as well!)-

1. The most important thing right now is that she is OK. Physically and emotionally. Even though it wasn't a completed rape, she's still going to feel betrayed and scared. (While you probably want to kill the guy who did this, that's not the highest priority.)

2. Do not force anything onto her. This is going in tandem with the feelings of betrayal. She doesn't need a very close and trusted friend (as you must be since she confided in you) to rape her all over again, if you know what I mean. This is hard to explain over the internet. Don't just hug her, ask her if she wants a hug. Ask her if she'd like a drink. Ask her if she wants to talk about it before pressing her. Ask her what she'd like to do. If she responds "I don't know", ask her if she knows her options. Pretty much, restore the power to her that someone tried to take away. Rape isn't about sex, it's about power and violence so the way to deal with it has to deal with power and violence.

3. Be there. But it sounds like you already know that yourself. :) Not just now, but later when she needs it. Reassure her, never question what she says. Remind her it's not her fault in the least bit. People in her situation tend to blame themselves needlessly when they are not remotely at fault at all.

For you:
Talk about it to someone you are close to and would understand (for me, I tell my mother everything even in my older age so that's who I'd go to. If your family is close, a family member might be a good idea). People like counselors at your school, pastors, and so forth are also known to be good supports for people in need. Also, you could refer her to them. If you google "rape help" and your area you are apt to find some resources there... there is also RAINN which can be found at www.rainn.org.

If it still bothers you after the test of time, I'd see a counselor. There is no shame in it. You're not alone, as you realize now, you didn't deserve that experience and the most important thing is that you are OK. If you're not, you have the power to change it. Just reach out, as hard as that may be. It wasn't your fault.

I hope that is helpful. Good luck! :)

Thank you.

I have one thing to add: PRESS CHARGES.

People should not be allowed to get away with such a heinous act such as molestation, sexual harassment and/or rape! You need to get this guy and knock him down before he has another chance to do this to someone else.

Or, to put it simply and in the words of Mr. T:

Don' pity dat foo! Bring him down!

I don't feel like I deserved it.

I just feel like I should have done more. I just felt so helpless and I didn't do anything to stop it... well, nothing that did a damn thing anyways.
You did not deserve it.

You (and your friend recently,) more than likely, were shocked into inaction.

The best thing you can do for your friend is be there for her, and lend her an ear...reassure her that she will be ok.

I have one thing to add: PRESS CHARGES.

People should not be allowed to get away with such a heinous act such as molestation, sexual harassment and/or rape! You need to get this guy and knock him down before he has another chance to do this to someone else.

Or, to put it simply and in the words of Mr. T:

Don' pity dat foo! Bring him down!
What is Sexual Harasment?

is it a chargable offence?

I still can't come to terms with my own failure to act in my defense - and that can often lead to feelings of low self worth, and of deserving what happened.

Regardless of that, I do know that there are two things which are absolutely vital to helping someone through it - patience, and understanding. If my friends didn't realize that it's difficult to talk about, but moreover difficult to formulate my feelings into words, then I'd be in a lot of trouble about it. As it is, it's reduced to a painful, but nonetheless slight, issue which I can most of the time suppress.

I was raped and beaten by a co-worker on December 6, 1996. The rape and my inability to deal with it eventually led to the end of a long marriage. My husband's first response when I told him was "How did you let that happen?". I still haven't figured that one out. I tried counseling. The counselor (female and divorced) tried to convince me that I was raped because I was too close to my husband and transferred some of that same trust to other men. I ended up in a support group of alcoholics, drug abusers, and one child molester. The clinic was small and they just lumped everyone together. They expected you to "share" your problems with the group for open discussion. I was chided and pressured when I would not tell a bunch of strangers what had happened. I soon refused to attend these meetings. I was then put on large doses of Welbutrin and, you guessed it, started having seizures. The use of Welbutrin had not yet been linked to seizures, so it was decided that mine were caused by my emotional instability. My husband decided that he would be happier with a stable (alcoholic) woman 26 years younger than him and divorced me to marry her. (I am happy to note that that marriage lasted less than a year.)

After the divorce, a kind and trusted friend drifted into a different role in my life. He convinced me to stop taking all the drugs the doctors were giving me. He also taught me 3 important facts.

1. I did nothing to encourage the rape
2. I was not dirty
3. I can KILL any son of a bitch who tries to hurt me like that again

My good friend and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary recently. And I never go anywhere without a knife in my purse.

One of my friends recently had an experience where a trusted friend of hers was trying to force himself on her and I want to comfort her.

But I don't know how. I have been in such a position mysef and I have really only told one person, my bf, who reacted badly and it's not something I like to talk about outside the anonymity of messabe boards...

I dunno, I want to make her feel better, but I don't even know how to make myself feel better... even though this happened years ago and I've grown up and changed a lot since then... it still isn't behind me...
I encourage you, your friend, and all women and girls to take courses in self-defense. In my experience, there are some men who just don't understand that NO means NO, but they all understand that a girl shattering your kneecap means it's time to zip your pants back up.

The most important thing is to remember that you are 100% within your rights to injure or kill your attacker. The second most important thing is to let him know that.

I encourage you, your friend, and all women and girls to take courses in self-defense. In my experience, there are some men who just don't understand that NO means NO, but they all understand that a girl shattering your kneecap means it's time to zip your pants back up.

The most important thing is to remember that you are 100% within your rights to injure or kill your attacker. The second most important thing is to let him know that.

Exactly. A few easy ways to protect yourself:

Carry a lit cigarette, even if you don't smoke, and burn them on the face, hands, arms, neck, anywhere.

Stomp as hard as you can on the arch of their foot.

Dig your fingers into their face, especially their eyes if you can.

Bite!

If they have a weapon your best bet is to watch for an opening to disarm them and use the weapon on them. If you can't do this, try to memorize any distinguishing physical characteristics, even on their privates.

I know the shame and horror sometimes makes it impossible to tell someone else about it. If you can, pursue prosecution of the rapist. If you can't, don't be ashamed. Most can't. I couldn't.

Has she considered going to the police because if this boy did it once he could do it again and the next time the victim may not be as lucky!

And the police does what?
Nothing, that's my experience, not even when the person has been charged with this before.
Not even when he does it with new, depressed, economically weak girls who do press charges, with the same method for getting the girl in a vulnerable position.

I've lost all faith in the system, the legal system does not want to deal with this sort of crime, they try to wish it away.

And the police does what?
Nothing, that's my experience, not even when the person has been charged with this before.
Not even when he does it with new, depressed, economically weak girls who do press charges, with the same method for getting the girl in a vulnerable position.

I've lost all faith in the system, the legal system does not want to deal with this sort of crime, they try to wish it away.

Here in the US these crimes are actively prosecuted. Our problem is the courts that don't impose punishment equable to the crime and a system that permits early release of these animals.

Here in the US these crimes are actively prosecuted. Our problem is the courts that don't impose punishment equable to the crime and a system that permits early release of these animals.

If you have the money that is.

If you have the money that is.

Money isn't a requirement. The government's attorneys prosecute the case. Your financial status is not a consideration. Is it different in your country?

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/html/cjusew96/cpp.htm

Money isn't a requirement. The government's attorneys prosecute the case. Your financial status is not a consideration. Is it different in your country?

If you lose, you run a substantial risk of paying for the perpetrators lawyer and legal costs. In civil cases that is, crimininal courts convict less than 1% of the perpetrators here.

What is Sexual Harasment?

is it a chargable offence?

You bet it is.


Main Entry: sexual harassment
Function: noun
: employment discrimination consisting of unwelcome verbal or physical conduct directed at an employee because of his or her sex; also : the tort of engaging in such discrimination —see also HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT SEXUAL HARASSMENT, QUID PRO QUO SEXUAL HARASSMENT

NOTE: Sexual harassment has been found by federal courts to violate the protection in the Civil Rights Act of 1964 against discrimination in employment. There are also state statutes under which sexual harassment actions may be brought. In order to recover against an employer under a sexual harassment suit, the plaintiff has to show that the harassment affected the employment (as by being severe or pervasive) and that the employer is liable under respondeat superior because of actual or constructive knowledge of the harassment. Strict liability is often imposed for harassment of an employee by a supervisor or for quid pro quo sexual harassment.

Source: Merriam-Webster's Dictionary of Law, © 1996 Merriam-Webster, Inc.

Has she considered going to the police because if this boy did it once he could do it again and the next time the victim may not be as lucky!

You're right about the fact that her attacker might try again, but the victim's first priority should be to take care of herself. If she does press charges, she is brave and heroic, and should be applauded. If she can't face dealing with the police, the courts, seeing her attacker again, and having her situation being made public, she is still brave just for getting on with her life. (This is, of course, true for male victims as well.)


Also, regarding Harlesburg's question, sexual harrassment and sexual assault are two different things (although sexual harrassment can sometimes culminate in assault). Sexual assault is a physical crime...it is unwanted sexual contact gained by force or coercion. Rape by force, sex coerced by threat of violence, sex with someone who cannot give consent (an unconscious person, a child, a mentally retarded person, etc.) would all be forms of sexual assault, although they may fall under different legal names.

The best way to confront her is not to.

I deal with this all the time. The trumatic event I deal with the most, far and away, is sexual assault. The best way to deal with it is to talk, be there, and slowly, very slowly, tear away the shell.

Coming on too strong causes people to go into a much stronger shell, and makes it much harder to get through. This is going to take alot of time, and isn't something that will likely be done in one night. If you're going to start down this road, make sure you're committed.

You're right about the fact that her attacker might try again, but the victim's first priority should be to take care of herself. If she does press charges, she is brave and heroic, and should be applauded. If she can't face dealing with the police, the courts, seeing her attacker again, and having her situation being made public, she is still brave just for getting on with her life. (This is, of course, true for male victims as well.)


Also, regarding Harlesburg's question, sexual harrassment and sexual assault are two different things (although sexual harrassment can sometimes culminate in assault). Sexual assault is a physical crime...it is unwanted sexual contact gained by force or coercion. Rape by force, sex coerced by threat of violence, sex with someone who cannot give consent (an unconscious person, a child, a mentally retarded person, etc.) would all be forms of sexual assault, although they may fall under different legal names.

Yep. In the state of New York in the United States, men cannot be "raped", they can only be sexually assulted in legal terms, which is not accurate and generally means that the attacker of a man will get off with less time (and rapists don't get enough time in prison typically as it is, imho).

I think it is important for you to tell her you believe her and if she needs someone to talk to you would be very willing to listen. She needs your support. Your friendship.