NationStates Jolt Archive

To what extent are you willing to take care of your parents in their old age? Will they live with you or in an old-age home? Will you hire a nurse to care for them in-home? Will you yourself take over their care if necessary? Have you thought about it yet?

My parents are far from their dotage, but I'm catching a glimpse of what it may be like as my mother cares for her mother-in-law (my grandma) who has Alzheimer's, but refuses to leave her land and go to a home, or move in with my parents.

I know my parents will not want to live with me, but I think we've worked out a compromise. We (within the next few years) will be living on the same quarter section of land. My husband and I are buying my parent's house, which is too big for them now that all the kids are gone, and my parents are going to build a smaller house on the other end of the quarter section. My hope is that I can keep my parents out of a home, and in their OWN home as they age. If they need more intensive care, I would try to do as much of it myself as possible, and hire nurse to help out if necessary.

I haven't even thought about it.

At 16 I'm too worried about exams too worry about my parents in 20 or 30 years time.

No. But then they are British, and this is not really part of the British culture. There is also the slight problem that I live on a different continent to them.

They have good reliable pension schemes that provides sufficient for them to obtain professional care if needed, but in general they are fiercely independent and would resent my trying to take care of them.

of course. in any reasonable way.

My wife's grandmother has been living with us for 12 years. She has a number of health issues, but none that prevent her from staying with us. Her mind is very sharp and she is totally coherent. We bought this house specifically to suit her needs. She has a large bedroom with a bathroom. I removed the bath tub and installed a stall shower with a seat in it as she couldnt raise her foot over the side of a standard tub to get in. I installed hand rails in various places. Smoke detectors with built in lights-she is deaf and wouldnt hear a smoke alarm, but would be alerted by the light if we werent here, plus it would light her way at night. I also installed emergency lights-they come on automatically in the event of a power outage. She has a medic alert, but I also installed an intercom system that she can reach us any where in the house if she needs. We do her laundry, include her with our dinner every day-if she doesnt feel up to the dining room, we bring it in to her where she is more comfortable. I got her an electric adjustable bed as well as a "Lazy Boy" power recliner that can fully raise her to stand or lower her to sit.
My wife attends to her various medical issues, as well as bathing. She is with her family-including my three children-her great grandchildren. Other family and friends visit her often and she doesnt need to entertain them herself-lunch, tea, dinner, whatever-we are here for that.
I even bought stairs for my pool specifically so she could walk down two or three and sit on rare occasions.
She can maintain her dignity and not be alone here until such time as its no longer possible for us to care for her.

I will do whatever I can to make this possible for my parents, when the time comes.

I will do whatever I can to make this possible for my parents, when the time comes.
You so rock.

I know it is sort of a cultural thing, and I admit that I am biased because of my upbringing, but in my mind, having family close, and taking care of them if it become necessary is not only expected, it is beneficial. For both parties. For my children, they will have a close bond with their grandparents, and I absolutely shudder at the thought of putting my folks in a home...because so many are just forgotten about there. I'd much rather ensure their dignity, as you've described it, by ensuring they can stay in their home, on their land, surrounded by family, but with enough privacy to let them escape us if they wish:).

It will be a bit harder for my husband's folks, as they are city people, pure and simple, and I doubt we could convince them to move out with us...but they will also have my sister-in-law and her husband to care for them.

On another continent, it'll be quite difficult to take personal care of my mother, but I will try to help her out as I can should she need it.

However, I reject the philosophy that family should be taken care of and loved because they are family. I actively hope that my father suffers alone and unloved for a very, very long time, and I feel no allegiance whatsoever to most family members except for my mother and grandmothers (And my grandfather Jack, too, but he's been sadly gone for some time now.). Family get the benefit of the doubt, from me, but they still have to prove their worthiness to me, just as I would hope to have to for them, and just as I and my friends do.

one of my grandmothers had to go into a nursing home as she developed dimensia after a series of small strokes. We couldnt take care of her. Sometimes she was fine, sometimes she was violent and at any time, she could have left and been lost. It was very sad. She was in a really good nursing home-it was more like an embassy suites hotel. Its not the same-no matter what, there is a great loss of dignity. As long as the mind is somewhat intact, I plan to make my home available. Its certainly adequate.

As a Christian, it was my duty to care for my parents (they both died nearly 10 years ago). Afterall, with all that they did for me, and helping to turn me into the man I am today, caring for them for several years was just a drop in the bucket. I could never truely repay them for all they had done.

However, I reject the philosophy that family should be taken care of and loved because they are family.
Agreed. My mother's mother treated her like dirt all her life...and now wants to move in with her. My mother has 14 siblings, and she firmly pointed out that no doubt one of them would prefer the job.

Good question. I find it quite topical as my Mom retired this time last year, while my Dad stopped working a decade ago after a bad car accident, but has quite a lot of life left in him (he's an eternal op[timist, which helps greatly). They moved back to my Mom's (and my) home province of Manitoba, a lovely little town called Pinawa. Tommorow I head out there for a month to help them build their new house. I can save them $2000 just by doing the interior painting, nevermind all kinds of other things. My vacation options this year were: Germany (many relatives and friends there), BurningMan (for the 3rd time, 2nd year in a row) or visiting my folks and helping them build the house. It was a no brainer.

As time goes on, I will do absolutely anything I can for them in their old age. Right now I think (well, hope) they have many healthy happy years ahead of them, but whenever the time comes, I'll bend over backwards to help them. They raised me well, and stuck with me through thick and thin, even when I was no good, piece of shit junky. I could never turn my back on them, I love them far too much. If need be I'll move out there or have them move in with me whereever I am in the world at the time.

Oh yeah, bonus of going to Manitoba for vacation: No more of this goddamn motherfucking evil ghastly horrid Southern Onscario humidity for a month, yay! ( Sinuhue: I'm sure you can appreciate that concept! )

Oh yeah, bonus of going to Manitoba for vacation: No more of this goddamn motherfucking evil ghastly horrid Southern Onscario humidity for a month, yay! ( Sinuhue: I'm sure you can appreciate that concept! )
Actually, I can't...where is Onscario? I'm from Alberta...

Actually, I can't...where is Onscario? I'm from Alberta...
Oops, thought you from Tdot. Onscario...alternate name for Ontario (which I've only heard in the West)

I don't expect to live that long.

I don't expect to live that long.
!!!???

Carnivorous, I deeply, deeply respect you.

!!!???

My parents are still young (40ish).

My parents are still young (40ish).
And you don't expect to outlive them? Why? *prying...but you made the comment...*

The Church of Lemon Meringue observes self-sacrifice for Ministers who reach the age of 30.

But seriously:

I asked my Magic 8-Ball.

But seriously:

I asked my Magic 8-Ball.
Ask again:).

Ask again:).

Sacrilege! Do not question the prophecy!

I hope to be able to. Between me and my sister, we both plan to do whatever needed/wanted. I think it is what is right...they gave me life, and deserve to live in a manner they choose, not what me and my sister force them to do. If that means the "inconvenience" or "burden" (if you could even call it that) of having them move in, so be it. I would rather have them live with dignity than be forced into a home because I couldn't figure some way to get them a room in my home.

of course, this is a while off for me.

Ugh. Things like this really piss me off.

I've wasted the past eight years of my life waiting on my dad hand and foot. I'm not going to spend another twenty years doing this shit. He can rot in a retirement home for all I care, as he doesn't care about the way my life's turning out and my feelings one bit.

Now, I'm making this sound more harsh than it really is. But, over the past year, I've developed a sour attitude towards him. He's not fun to be around, what with the taunting, insults, weird "touching", and his generally foul personality directed at me.

I'd have to take care of them if something happens. I just couldn't live with myself otherwise. Dads 73.. but he gets around good except for a knee problem he has, he can't walk too long without needing to rest it. He still drinks his beer. He had colon cancer a few years back, had surgery and all has been well since. Mom is 67 and still stays out late a couple times a week playing bingo. Smoking is catching up with her.. she coughs more now. Could possibly be emphysema.

I've had my problems with them and sometimes when I start dwelling on my childhood or think of some of the ways they treated me .. I get down right resentful of them. But I am aware they love me and they just didn't know any better most times. They've always been here for me. They are my best friends. I couldn't leave em hanging.

I would hate to have to experience seeing them slowly die. I hope it doesn't come to that, and that they go "quick". Whatever happens, I will handle it the best I can. I could die first.. but I'd hate for them to have to go through that pain.

Yes. Most definitely. They took good care of me, it's only fair to return the favour. Plus, I love them, don't think I can live with myself not helping in anyway I can.

I had my mom living with us for a while, but the best solution was for her to move into an assisted living facility. It's very nice.

But lately she's developed problems and depression and has been temporarily placed into a full-care facility on the premises. If she stays there she'll be broke in a year, and she's very unhappy in the hospital.

We are ready to take her in. It's a hard job since she needs a lot of care, nearly full time. In all honesty I dread it, but my obligation to her runs so deep that I could not live without doing it. I love her very much, but I am concerned that I can't provide a situation that will make her fully happy. She doesn't like it up here in the howling wilderness and will miss her friends and church. And we have to work, though I will sacrifice all but the minimum time required. I'll have to borrow, but that's ok.

Anyway, I'm here for her.

I wont. My mom is dead and my father is an asshole.

My parents are very independent. I figure if one or the other of them passes away, they may sell the old home, and in that case I would be pleased to have either of them live with me. Until then, they are happy where they are.

Of course. They took care of me when I needed it; of course I'll take care of them when they need it.

Knowing them, they will prefer to live in their own home as long as possible, (where I'd visit frequently and call frequently) then probably would like to move into a retirement community, where I'd visit them and call frequently. If they wished, they could live with me. If/when, God forbid, they needed to go to an assisted living facility, I'd be there daily just to make sure they're being properly cared for as well as for the companionship.

I think it's frightful how many of our elderly are cast aside because they are considered 'inconvenient'.

Although my parents are some time from that time, I'm going to make my promise today: I will take care of my parents when they grow old. No matter what.

The concept of family is very, very important with Chinese people.

I suspect I will look after my parents in 50-60 years time when they are really old. Although, I reckon my sister will do a lot more than me.

I had my mom living with us for a while, but the best solution was for her to move into an assisted living facility. It's very nice.

But lately she's developed problems and depression and has been temporarily placed into a full-care facility on the premises. If she stays there she'll be broke in a year, and she's very unhappy in the hospital.

We are ready to take her in. It's a hard job since she needs a lot of care, nearly full time. In all honesty I dread it, but my obligation to her runs so deep that I could not live without doing it. I love her very much, but I am concerned that I can't provide a situation that will make her fully happy. She doesn't like it up here in the howling wilderness and will miss her friends and church. And we have to work, though I will sacrifice all but the minimum time required. I'll have to borrow, but that's ok.

Anyway, I'm here for her.

The fact that you will take her into your house and do your best to care for her has to count toward making her happy.

If you are in the US, your mom may qualify for either medicare or medicaid that can provide a home aid that can come up to three times a week to help your mother clean, bathe, even run errands. The right person can usually become a trusted friend and your mom will have something additonal to look foward to in the aid's visit. And her personal space will be clean and orderly. This may help a great deal. And if she has medical issues, its likely an actual nurse could be assigned to her for regular visits.

Your heart is in the right place. Best wishes to you.

Of course.

I think it's frightful how many of our elderly are cast aside because they are considered 'inconvenient'.


Sad but true. And often-Out of Sight IS Out of Mind. We care for my wife's elderly grandmother in our home. This gives her son and daughter the luxury of not worrying about any of the day to day things that have to be dealt with. They visit her here on occasion, when it suits them. And spend half the visit talking about the traffic to get here. (I live at the Jersey shore). If it werent for my wife, this lady would be in a nursing home. As it is, my wife takes her to the doctor/specialist on average once a week.

I hope that when the time comes, my children and future grandchildren will have the desire and ability to care for me or my wife, if needed.

Although my parents are some time from that time, I'm going to make my promise today: I will take care of my parents when they grow old. No matter what.

The concept of family is very, very important with Chinese people.


Good for you. This is how it should be. The same way children need nurturing and care from their parents growing up, parents may some day need care and compassion as they age.
What is more important than family?