Crabcake Baba Ganoush
26-06-2005, 19:04
VALHALLA, Md. -- Jackson Kirby, a short, 450- pound bank loan officer, was strolling down the street last week when two small, potato-shaped rocks suddenly flew at him.
"The neighborhood kids love to tease me because I'm so heavy," the 5-foot-2 Kirby told Weekly World News. "I thought someone was throwing things at me so I raised my arm to protect myself. But nothing happened. At least, not what I expected."
Peeking over his arm Kirby watched, amazed, as the rocks began floating around him. Thinking they were Nerfs or some kind of toy picked up by the wind, Kirby swatted at them and walked on.
The objects followed, circling him slowly, one around his chest and the other around his waist. Try as he might, Kirby was unable to shake them.
"I quickly realized they were rocks all right," he said. "They dented mail boxes, smacked a passing skateboarder and took down a low flying robin. Luckily, they also knocked down a cat that was stuck up a tree."
Understandably concerned, Kirby took a quick trip to the emergency room. There, Dr. David Peters diagnosed him as suffering from a unique physical malady known as Latitudinal Revolving Dependent.
"LaRD is what happens when an extremely dense object meets movable matter," Dr. Peters said. "Kirby's combination of great weight and compacted molecular structure has created a gravity field that attracted the small rocks."
The doctor prescribed a lead based salve to reduce the energy radiated by his body. "Unfortunately, the only cure is weight loss," said Dr. Peters. "Until then, Mr. Kirby will have to use the balm or put up with being a man-planet."
Although Kirby applied the salve, it did not get rid of the rocks. It simply reduced their altitude, dropping them around his knees. Flying at such a low height they clobbered innocent kittens and puppies, so Kirby discontinued the treatment.
By that time, however, Kirby had actually become rather fond of his travel buddies. He nicknamed the larger of the two moons "Beany," since it revolves at high speed around his expansive chest and hits the most people in the head.
He called the smaller moon "Cecil." It hugs Kirby's waist or 'equator' closely, making it less dangerous -- though it does make putting on a pair of pants difficult.
When Kirby returned to his office his cubicle became a swirling vortex of debris. Computers were smashed, coffee makers exploded, and several clients and co-workers were knocked out.
Jagged shards of glass from a shattered computer monitor briefly formed a Saturn-like ring system around the man-planet.
Bank management immediately issued hard hats and safety goggles to employees hoping to protect them from Kirby's twin moons. But employees were not happy.
"Working in close proximity to Kirby impacts our job performance -- AND our heads," teller Lee Brackett told us, his face wrapped in bandages. "You can't count change or cash a check with rocks constantly banging on the walls or glass partitions."
"My cubicle is near the water-cooler," complained account manager Herbie F. Fury. "It's a regular moon river. Try working on a spread-sheet with water spraying from cracks caused by those damn rocks."
"We're in a tough spot." admitted bank president Hamilton Edmonds. "We're facing lawsuits from both personal injury and potential man-planet discrimination.
"We asked Kirby to take a paid leave of absence until we could take time to sort it all out. He declined. You've got to admire the man's work ethic, if not his judgment."
"I like my job, and besides that, people depend on me," the man-planet insisted over lunch at his desk. He was sucking up spaghetti, the rocks passing harmlessly through the dangling strands.
"Plus, it's kinda neat to be stared at, even feared. Kids have stopped throwing things at me. My moons intercept all 'incoming' and return-to-sender at high velocity -- whomp!"
"Sure, Kirby can walk down the street in peace," said the heavily bandaged Lee Brackett. "But what about the rest of us? We're tired of being 'mooned' by the jerk."
"Kirby is just an oblivious fat idiot," Herbie F. Fury said angrily. "Forget those two moonlets. He thinks the whole world revolves around him."
Source (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/science/61494)
Ordinarily only the obese people suffer from their own affliction
Because if this growing situation, other people can potentially be harmed by the corpulent
Eventually because of this situation I do believe that fat laws will be emplaced
Yesterday as I was walking I was almost nailed by one of these objects myself
Currently though I believe that people should become aware of such occurrences
Really, everybody needs to look out more while they're walking down the street
As it stands now there are only a few people who possess this strange affliction
But be warned, it may spread
Currently I think the number of such individuals is 12
Although I'll probably have to check my other source
Killing this problem before it becomes widespread should be our first initiative
Everybody go outside and work on something or exercise
Another thing you can do is eat better food
Nutrition is very important to healthy living anyways
Don't over eat anything, especially junk food
Be careful out there people
Exercise extreme caution when going around corners as well
How unfortunate it must be to suffer from such an affliction
Anybody here who knows of somebody else who suffers from this should be extra careful
Personally I didn't know the person who almost hit me
Perhaps we all should be extra careful
You all should encourage obese people to reduce their load if not for their health than for safety
"The neighborhood kids love to tease me because I'm so heavy," the 5-foot-2 Kirby told Weekly World News. "I thought someone was throwing things at me so I raised my arm to protect myself. But nothing happened. At least, not what I expected."
Peeking over his arm Kirby watched, amazed, as the rocks began floating around him. Thinking they were Nerfs or some kind of toy picked up by the wind, Kirby swatted at them and walked on.
The objects followed, circling him slowly, one around his chest and the other around his waist. Try as he might, Kirby was unable to shake them.
"I quickly realized they were rocks all right," he said. "They dented mail boxes, smacked a passing skateboarder and took down a low flying robin. Luckily, they also knocked down a cat that was stuck up a tree."
Understandably concerned, Kirby took a quick trip to the emergency room. There, Dr. David Peters diagnosed him as suffering from a unique physical malady known as Latitudinal Revolving Dependent.
"LaRD is what happens when an extremely dense object meets movable matter," Dr. Peters said. "Kirby's combination of great weight and compacted molecular structure has created a gravity field that attracted the small rocks."
The doctor prescribed a lead based salve to reduce the energy radiated by his body. "Unfortunately, the only cure is weight loss," said Dr. Peters. "Until then, Mr. Kirby will have to use the balm or put up with being a man-planet."
Although Kirby applied the salve, it did not get rid of the rocks. It simply reduced their altitude, dropping them around his knees. Flying at such a low height they clobbered innocent kittens and puppies, so Kirby discontinued the treatment.
By that time, however, Kirby had actually become rather fond of his travel buddies. He nicknamed the larger of the two moons "Beany," since it revolves at high speed around his expansive chest and hits the most people in the head.
He called the smaller moon "Cecil." It hugs Kirby's waist or 'equator' closely, making it less dangerous -- though it does make putting on a pair of pants difficult.
When Kirby returned to his office his cubicle became a swirling vortex of debris. Computers were smashed, coffee makers exploded, and several clients and co-workers were knocked out.
Jagged shards of glass from a shattered computer monitor briefly formed a Saturn-like ring system around the man-planet.
Bank management immediately issued hard hats and safety goggles to employees hoping to protect them from Kirby's twin moons. But employees were not happy.
"Working in close proximity to Kirby impacts our job performance -- AND our heads," teller Lee Brackett told us, his face wrapped in bandages. "You can't count change or cash a check with rocks constantly banging on the walls or glass partitions."
"My cubicle is near the water-cooler," complained account manager Herbie F. Fury. "It's a regular moon river. Try working on a spread-sheet with water spraying from cracks caused by those damn rocks."
"We're in a tough spot." admitted bank president Hamilton Edmonds. "We're facing lawsuits from both personal injury and potential man-planet discrimination.
"We asked Kirby to take a paid leave of absence until we could take time to sort it all out. He declined. You've got to admire the man's work ethic, if not his judgment."
"I like my job, and besides that, people depend on me," the man-planet insisted over lunch at his desk. He was sucking up spaghetti, the rocks passing harmlessly through the dangling strands.
"Plus, it's kinda neat to be stared at, even feared. Kids have stopped throwing things at me. My moons intercept all 'incoming' and return-to-sender at high velocity -- whomp!"
"Sure, Kirby can walk down the street in peace," said the heavily bandaged Lee Brackett. "But what about the rest of us? We're tired of being 'mooned' by the jerk."
"Kirby is just an oblivious fat idiot," Herbie F. Fury said angrily. "Forget those two moonlets. He thinks the whole world revolves around him."
Source (http://www.weeklyworldnews.com/features/science/61494)
Ordinarily only the obese people suffer from their own affliction
Because if this growing situation, other people can potentially be harmed by the corpulent
Eventually because of this situation I do believe that fat laws will be emplaced
Yesterday as I was walking I was almost nailed by one of these objects myself
Currently though I believe that people should become aware of such occurrences
Really, everybody needs to look out more while they're walking down the street
As it stands now there are only a few people who possess this strange affliction
But be warned, it may spread
Currently I think the number of such individuals is 12
Although I'll probably have to check my other source
Killing this problem before it becomes widespread should be our first initiative
Everybody go outside and work on something or exercise
Another thing you can do is eat better food
Nutrition is very important to healthy living anyways
Don't over eat anything, especially junk food
Be careful out there people
Exercise extreme caution when going around corners as well
How unfortunate it must be to suffer from such an affliction
Anybody here who knows of somebody else who suffers from this should be extra careful
Personally I didn't know the person who almost hit me
Perhaps we all should be extra careful
You all should encourage obese people to reduce their load if not for their health than for safety