NationStates Jolt Archive

My parents are fighting. My (oldest sibling) brother who was leaving for London tomorrow for a whole year decided to make the trip tonight. It seems as if this is the last day of the cold war and the law is going to come in tomorrow. Divorce. My older sister and I are wading it out and we're trying to stay out of the picture. What am I to do?

My parents are fighting. My (oldest sibling) brother who was leaving for London tomorrow for a whole year decided to make the trip tonight. It seems as if this is the last day of the cold war and the law is going to come in tomorrow. Divorce. My older sister and I are wading it out and we're trying to stay out of the picture. What am I to do?Uh.....commit suicide? :p

((Why ask me? I'll just give you some stupid advice like that. I love misdirecting people. ;)))

My parents are fighting. My (oldest sibling) brother who was leaving for London tomorrow for a whole year decided to make the trip tonight. It seems as if this is the last day of the cold war and the law is going to come in tomorrow. Divorce. My older sister and I are wading it out and we're trying to stay out of the picture. What am I to do?
Find someone you can talk with. Perhaps a school counselor or, if you attend church, your minister/priest/rabbi. Be prepared to start thinking that this is partially your fault, which is a very common thing for children whose parents are divorcing. IT IS NOT!

Above all, do NOT take sides, or even give the appearance of taking sides. As much as possible stay out of it! If one or both of your parents tries to involve you in their dispute, do your very best to avoid talking about it or participating ... it's a losing proposition for you either way.

If you'd like to talk, I'm a pretty good listener, and I never, ever share what is told to me in confidence. TG me if you'd like to talk.

Uh.....commit suicide? :p

((Why ask me? I'll just give you some stupid advice like that. I love misdirecting people. ;)))

Gah! :eek: Remind me never to seek advice from you.

My advice may be misleading, but at least it's humorous.

I was going to suggest that he should hose his parents down. Run the garden hose into the house and soak em down. Cool em off. :)

Gah! :eek: Remind me never to seek advice from you.

My advice may be misleading, but at least it's humorous.Well you, LG, are not as cruel as I am. 1 4M +3|-| 54|>157!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!!111!!11!!!1

This must be awful for you. Waiting it out is probably about all you can do, and maybe support your sister as much as possible. I hope she can do the same for you. Please try to remember that even the worst stuff passes eventually.


(Czardas: really not funny, buddy. You should apologize.)

Find someone you can talk with. Perhaps a school counselor or, if you attend church, your minister/priest/rabbi. Be prepared to start thinking that this is partially your fault, which is a very common thing for children whose parents are divorcing. IT IS NOT!

Above all, do NOT take sides, or even give the appearance of taking sides. As much as possible stay out of it! If one or both of your parents tries to involve you in their dispute, do your very best to avoid talking about it or participating ... it's a losing proposition for you either way.

If you'd like to talk, I'm a pretty good listener, and I never, ever share what is told to me in confidence. TG me if you'd like to talk.That's good advice, Roshni. It's not your fault, and it's important to remember that.

Find someone you can talk with. Perhaps a school counselor or, if you attend church, your minister/priest/rabbi. Be prepared to start thinking that this is partially your fault, which is a very common thing for children whose parents are divorcing. IT IS NOT!

Above all, do NOT take sides, or even give the appearance of taking sides. As much as possible stay out of it! If one or both of your parents tries to involve you in their dispute, do your very best to avoid talking about it or participating ... it's a losing proposition for you either way.

If you'd like to talk, I'm a pretty good listener, and I never, ever share what is told to me in confidence. TG me if you'd like to talk.


My parents use to use me in their fights. I didn't ever have to choose sides.. they'd call me in and attempt to force it on me.


Mom: "You want to live with that son-of-a-bitch?
Dad: "If she lives with you, she won't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of"
I'd stand there thinking to myself - Why the hell would I want to live with either one of you!
Then the death threats to each other.
Their fights usually ended with them ganging up on me.

I hated it and resented them for it.

-------------
To the thread starter.. I hope you have peace in whatever happens and It is not your fault.

Yeah, thats rough. By the time I left home, my parents had more than half a dozen divorces combined. A new stepsister every few years has not helped my ability to relate to women...

Seriously, that kind of conflict in your home really blows. I'm sure you know its not your fault, that your parent's spite/anger/hatred/guilt/blame and so forth is something they have to deal with. The only advice I have from the divorces I observed in my own home is this: try not to pick sides and focus on planning and ensuring your own future. And if they try to buy your affections, make sure the counteroffers stay roughly even so bidding continues to escalate.

(Czardas: really not funny, buddy. You should apologize.)*very offended*

I don't apologize! I may make mistakes, but I never take them back! NEVER, DO YOU HEAR?

You're right though, it wasn't very nice. I could give a lot better advice, like

"Forget about it! I mean, it doesn't directly bear on you, so you shouldn't pay any attention to it at all."

That's the advice I myself would follow.

Of course me being the conceited asshole I am... ;)

My parents use to use me in their fights. I didn't ever have to choose sides.. they'd call me in and attempt to force it on me.


Mom: "You want to live with that son-of-a-bitch?
Dad: "If she lives with you, she won't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of"
I'd stand there thinking to myself - Why the hell would I want to live with either one of you!
Then the death threats to each other.
Their fights usually ended with them ganging up on me.

I hated it and resented them for it.
Well, at least you have a good reason to hate them, unlike...shall we say...certain other people. ;) me

My parents use to use me in their fights. I didn't ever have to choose sides.. they'd call me in and attempt to force it on me.


Mom: "You want to live with that son-of-a-bitch?
Dad: "If she lives with you, she won't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of"
I'd stand there thinking to myself - Why the hell would I want to live with either one of you!
Then the death threats to each other.
Their fights usually ended with them ganging up on me.

I hated it and resented them for it.

-------------
To the thread starter.. I hope you have peace in whatever happens and It is not your fault.Man, that's just bullshit. When my wife and I split, we made sure that whatever disagreements we had, we had away from our daughter and stepson--our shit was not their shit. As a result, my stepson is a hard-working guy with a family of his own and my daughter is an honor-roll teenager who wants to go to a college I can't afford. All in all, I think we did okay.

My parents use to use me in their fights. I didn't ever have to choose sides.. they'd call me in and attempt to force it on me.


Mom: "You want to live with that son-of-a-bitch?
Dad: "If she lives with you, she won't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of"
I'd stand there thinking to myself - Why the hell would I want to live with either one of you!
Then the death threats to each other.
Their fights usually ended with them ganging up on me.

I hated it and resented them for it.

-------------
To the thread starter.. I hope you have peace in whatever happens and It is not your fault.
Very sad, but not all that unusual, unfortunately. I am so very, very thankful that my ex and I never tried to place the kids in the middle or drug them into our verbal combat. And now, we are very civil to each other and love all of them ( as well as our grandchildren ) equally. I'm kinda proud of that. :)

Man, that's just bullshit. When my wife and I split, we made sure that whatever disagreements we had, we had away from our daughter and stepson--our shit was not their shit. As a result, my stepson is a hard-working guy with a family of his own and my daughter is an honor-roll teenager who wants to go to a college I can't afford. All in all, I think we did okay.
Sounds like it! [ applauds ] :)

My parents are fighting. My (oldest sibling) brother who was leaving for London tomorrow for a whole year decided to make the trip tonight. It seems as if this is the last day of the cold war and the law is going to come in tomorrow. Divorce. My older sister and I are wading it out and we're trying to stay out of the picture. What am I to do?

Wow, dude, you've got it rough. It's never a good thing when your parents fight when you expect them to be of the same mind and of the same unified front. If it helps, you should remember that they are, in the end, two different people with differing points of view, and there's not much you can do about it. Also, you need to remember that they are still your mom, and your dad. Always. Just keep on loving them and try to maintain equal feeling toward both of them.
You're young, and you'll make it through. The human psyche is amazingly resilient and adaptive. Things usually work out all right, in my experience. It's not the end of the world, even if it may feel like it.

Hope you make it through all right.

My parents are fighting. My (oldest sibling) brother who was leaving for London tomorrow for a whole year decided to make the trip tonight. It seems as if this is the last day of the cold war and the law is going to come in tomorrow. Divorce. My older sister and I are wading it out and we're trying to stay out of the picture. What am I to do?

Ah man, divorce sucks serious monkey balls, I went through that crap when I was eight. Thing to do is stay out of the arguement for one, I made the mistake of trying to stop it. When the folks are fighting, they don't want some kid to jump in for any reason and the yelling will turn on you...So ride it out, stick with your cooler headed buds, the kind that look at the glass as half full...And help out the siblings if they need it.

Oh, and if it comes to divorce, and you're a dude (don't know ya just puttin this out there), and your dad's an alright kinda guy, move in with the dad...Otherwise you can quickly turn into a momma's boy...Happened to my youngest bro, lived with my mom for four years and he turned into total pansy expecting everything to be done for him, and he's not liking it with my dad, a house with four dudes that expect each man to do his share in the household, no mom to cater and do dishes...

So if it's divorce, you can expect one parent trying to get your favor over the other, trust me, it happens. My friends parents, my parents, each parents going to try get you on their side of the issue. Don't choose sides, or you'll just piss off the other. And a lot of dad's become big drinkers during and after this time, so try and do what you can to keep him light on the beer intake. Still, during the divorce, best thing to do is stay out of the way and stay neutral.

Once the divorce is over, try and not to act screwy or your parents are going to think you need a psychiatrist (usually the mom, dad's usually don't buy into the psycho stuff). I don't what it is, but mabye it's the magazines mom's read, but they'll look for signs that you need help, and if you show one, you might find yourself talkin to a psycho-quack...Trust me, I went through 3, but there were some other things involved...Nothing crazy, pretty funny really, but anyway. A divorce can influence a big change in a parent's personality, so don't let that come as a shock when one acts different than before. Don't let either parent become depressed after the divorce. Try and let them know you still love 'em and that your still happy, and that your life hasn't been torn to shreds. I usually used the 'shit happens' attitude....But chances are one parent is gonna start blaming themselves and get into thinking they screwed you and your sibling's lives over. Try to behave more so than usual just after a divorce, parents will be real sensitive to the obedience and listening issues...

You'll learn it all over time, I had to learn most of it the hard way though. Divorce sucks ass, but moving on will happen and everything will become normal in its own sense eventually. And hey, I turned out alright...right?


.....Right?! ;)

I recall being the go-between. Since my divorced parents didn't want to talk to each other, they simply didn't. I'd hear horrible things about Dad from Mom and vice versa. I'd spend a weekend at Dad's and when I came home, some of the things he'd complain about I would see were at least partially true, and Mom would "sense" Dad on me and be very cold until I had re-acclimated to being with her. Similarly, upon leaving Mom for Dad, I'd think Dad was a complete boor and realize that some of the things that Mom said about him were right. Dad would "sense" Mom on me and crank up the sports-beer-outdoors-and crass factor until I began to loosen up.

I can tell you, it sucked. Especially every two weeks when I was sent, like a pawn trying to advance to the opponent's back row, to get the child support check. I hated it. Even though I knew Mom was good about seeing that I was the beneficiary of the money -- incidentally, Dad stiffed her every week despite out-earning her by $10K a year -- I would rather have gone without than had to go essentially begging for it because they wouldn't even call one another or mail the damn thing.

People who've been together for 20 years, as my parents were, and split up tend to harbor a shitload of resentment, and this can lead to childish, selfish, stupid incidents. The house they originally bought north of Seattle was purchased for around $85K. Had my father kept up his half of the house payments (as the divorce decree demanded -- hence my hatred of lawyers...'nother thread...), once the house was paid off, they'd have split one hell of a lot. As it was, he didn't and the house had to be sold for what was then a drastically undervalued $109K five years after they bought it. Today, that house is worth about $250K. Had they just been civil, they'd have easily split the profit of roughly $150K in today's market. So in order to save a little money in the near-term, my spiteful father screwed himself out of $75K just to similarly screw my mother.

So my advice is to not try and understand anything your parents do to one another -- especially if it's vindictive, spiteful or unreasonable. There's no logic to it beyond a compuslive need to be "right" in their own eyes (even if it's nobody else's eyes). Take NONE of it personally, and try to get on with your own life the best way you can.

I wish you the best possible luck.

<snip>It's called "scorched earth" and it's one of the oldest wartime tactics. Also, sadly, one of the most prevalent. You burn your own stuff so the enemy can't have it. You kill your spouse so his/her lover can't have him/her. That really sucks. :(

Oh, and if it comes to divorce, and you're a dude (don't know ya just puttin this out there), and your dad's an alright kinda guy, move in with the dad...Otherwise you can quickly turn into a momma's boy...Happened to my youngest bro, lived with my mom for four years and he turned into total pansy expecting everything to be done for him, and he's not liking it with my dad, a house with four dudes that expect each man to do his share in the household, no mom to cater and do dishes...

--snip--

Once the divorce is over, try and not to act screwy or your parents are going to think you need a psychiatrist (usually the mom, dad's usually don't buy into the psycho stuff). I don't what it is, but mabye it's the magazines mom's read, but they'll look for signs that you need help, and if you show one, you might find yourself talkin to a psycho-quack...

--snip--


Lay off the mom generalizations, please. I lived with my mother after the split. I was already doing my own dishes, laundry and yard work before the divorce, and continued to do so afterward. I was offered counseling through her insurance, but declined and that was the end of it. If your youngest "bro" turned into a pasny, I daresay that's not all mom's fault. SOME mothers act like you mention, and SOME fathers are complete tool-jackasses. So how's about leaving the gender-alizations out of it?

It's called "scorched earth" and it's one of the oldest wartime tactics. Also, sadly, one of the most prevalent. You burn your own stuff so the enemy can't have it. You kill your spouse so his/her lover can't have him/her. That really sucks. :(

Yeah, the whole Roman "salt the earth" policy. I know what it is now, but when I was 18, all I could think about as I watched housing costs skyrocket reading the paper in our crackerbox apartment was what college I might have been able to get into had my parents not been so spiteful and thought about someone other than themselves.

As it was, I worked and went through community college, a BA at a state school and an MA at the same school. Some debt, but overall, I did just fine. It just makes me wonder, that's all.

As has been said before, "there's a very fine line between love and hate."

It's very, very sad when a long term relationship goes belly up, but it happens all too frequently. In my own case, my ex and I had raised five children together ( 3 hers from a previous marriage ), suffered through hard times together, etc. We just grew in different directions; she became a radical, right-wing fundamentalist, while I became, if not an agnostic, at least more oriented toward science as a basis for belief. We're still good friends ( actually more like brother and sister than anything else ), but there are certain subjects we cannot discuss civilly: abortion, science, evolution, politics, any aspect of religion, etc.

Yeah, the whole Roman "salt the earth" policy. I know what it is now, but when I was 18, all I could think about as I watched housing costs skyrocket reading the paper in our crackerbox apartment was what college I might have been able to get into had my parents not been so spiteful and thought about someone other than themselves. *feels the words deeply and blushes ;)*

As it was, I worked and went through community college, a BA at a state school and an MA at the same school. Some debt, but overall, I did just fine. It just makes me wonder, that's all.It makes you wonder that your parents can be so self-centered? Or what?

Lay off the mom generalizations, please. I lived with my mother after the split. I was already doing my own dishes, laundry and yard work before the divorce, and continued to do so afterward. I was offered counseling through her insurance, but declined and that was the end of it. If your youngest "bro" turned into a pasny, I daresay that's not all mom's fault. SOME mothers act like you mention, and SOME fathers are complete tool-jackasses. So how's about leaving the gender-alizations out of it?

I'm basing that on what I've seen. Six of my best friends have divorced parents as does a cousin of mine, and all our mom's are the same. Yes, dudes do work with both parents, but each of our mom's tended to be lax on a lot of things, like getting things for ourselves for instance or something like that. Not that it's a bad thing, my mom's house is like a vacation sometimes. But being raised like that isn't the way to go, my youngest bro (don't know why you had to parenthesize it) has grown used to having my mom get him whatever he wanted from the kitchen, is unused to being discipline...And I did mention if the dad's a good kinda guy, if he's prick, pssh, tell him off. About the psychiatrist thing, it is a fact of life that mom's are usually the ones worried about stuff like that. Dad's usually like most other guys don't really give a rat's ass about inner feelings, and the whole psychiatrist thing looks like a load of bs. Of course, mabye it's just a Northern Virginian thing...

Roshni,

I do feel for you. I witnessed two divorses. One when I was 5 and the other when I was 16.

I can tell you no matter what happens you will survive.

This unfortunate event is between your parents. It is not a reflection on you.

They might work it out. Then again they may not. When two people find there is really nothing to build on anymore, then seperation and or divorse is in order for the sanity of well the children. All too often people try to stay together for the sake of the children and usually make it worst.

As Eutrusca suggested; talk is good. A friend is good for emotional outlet. Make sure it is a close friend. I would not mention it to your parents. Sometimes parents can take it personal if they hear you are talking about family problems to outsiders.

If you need guidence then by all means a counselor. I would be leary of the school counselors though. In my experience they were not really that good. Doesn't mean yours are not.

If you want to keep anonymous, then there are groups that offer call in services.

As Eutrusca has said; avoid getting in the middle. Especially if your parents try to make you take sides. I did that in the second divorse and it messed me up for a couple years as their divorse was nasty. Don't do it. If they try to involve you, speak up for yourself and tell them out right that it's between them.

Finally, no matter the outcome. You may think you are not in a family anymore. I can tell you that you will always have a family. It will just be living apart. In time your parents will become better people as their pain an anger lessons.

Always remember your parents love you. If there's love, those are the ties that bind.

If you want somebody to listen or have questions about my experience then by all means TG me.

Roshni.. If you find yourself holding alot of hostility about what's going on. Write down what you are feeling.. get it all out on that paper. Then read what you've wrote at least once. If you're worried about someone finding it, then once you're done, rip it up and throw it away. I use to keep a notebook and pen near my bed and write in it at night before going to sleep. It helped me alot.

Might sound corny, but is worth a try if you ever feel like you're going to explode and there is no one you can or no one you want to drop all that heavy stuff on.

It makes you wonder that your parents can be so self-centered? Or what?

It made me wonder what life could have been like with an extra 75K in the household. Central Washington University was great, don't get me wrong, but I wonder what a music education at, say, Berklee in Boston or the New England Conservatory or Insert Private University Here might have been like.

Stuff like that.

--snip--
But being raised like that isn't the way to go, my youngest bro (don't know why you had to parenthesize it) has grown used to having my mom get him whatever he wanted from the kitchen, is unused to being discipline...

I didn't "parenthesize" it, I put it in quotation marks. Why? 'Cause I wanted to. Actually, putting quotes around crappy slang is something I do to annoy people who use it. It's a judgement call, and I'm making it, just like you make the call about single moms, lax standards and psychology. Nothing serious.

Of course, mabye it's just a Northern Virginian thing...

Ya think?

After their argument, go and give each parent a big hug and tell them you love them. They can get divorced, but they will forever be your parents.

My parents are fighting. My (oldest sibling) brother who was leaving for London tomorrow for a whole year decided to make the trip tonight. It seems as if this is the last day of the cold war and the law is going to come in tomorrow. Divorce. My older sister and I are wading it out and we're trying to stay out of the picture. What am I to do?
I can only tell you to find someone you have a good relationship to and tell them your worries and troubles. It's best if you find someone that's willing to just listen for a while; giving advice can sometimes only make things worse. If you feel the NS community can take that role, then by all means, tell us everything you want to get rid of.

yeah yeah yeah its not your fault, dont take sides, live with your dad, dont become the spy for your parents.


here is some actually USEFUL advice

this is your chance to get everything you ever wanted. if your parents are well do to, welcome to wonderland.

start wearing black. TODAY. mope around the house. thank goodness theyve waited until summer so you dont have to fail any classes but start talking about how college is a waste and you are going to start a rock band instead.

start playing death metal whenever they are around to hear it.

if they want to "talk about it" DONT. if they send you to a councillor DONT TALK TO HIM. (yeah you can go to someone else on the side as long as they dont know about it, it can really help)

by the end of the summer you could have a feaking PONY!

lol

they will feel sooooo guilty about what they have done to you that they will give you whatever you want. new puter, no problem. your own car? anything for our little snookums. want an IPOD? you can have one from each parent!

start it today, it will get you through an otherwise utterly miserable summer.

My parents are fighting. My (oldest sibling) brother who was leaving for London tomorrow for a whole year decided to make the trip tonight. It seems as if this is the last day of the cold war and the law is going to come in tomorrow. Divorce. My older sister and I are wading it out and we're trying to stay out of the picture. What am I to do?

Here are a few options for you.

1. Throw ice cold water at them.
2. Yell grow up.
3. Lie and say that you and your sister will not be living with either of them and that you are moving to London with your brother or something.
4. Say that you will call child services (if you are younger then 18) if they dont stop.
5. Call the police...that will make them stop.
6. Go missing for a while (Fake it!!) and see what happens...P.S. I saw that in a movie once.

Just do something crazy or just lie....dont go overboard though.

yeah yeah yeah its not your fault, dont take sides, live with your dad, dont become the spy for your parents.

here is some actually USEFUL advice

this is your chance to get everything you ever wanted. if your parents are well do to, welcome to wonderland.

start wearing black. TODAY. mope around the house. thank goodness theyve waited until summer so you dont have to fail any classes but start talking about how college is a waste and you are going to start a rock band instead.

start playing death metal whenever they are around to hear it.

if they want to "talk about it" DONT. if they send you to a councillor DONT TALK TO HIM. (yeah you can go to someone else on the side as long as they dont know about it, it can really help)

by the end of the summer you could have a feaking PONY!

lol

they will feel sooooo guilty about what they have done to you that they will give you whatever you want. new puter, no problem. your own car? anything for our little snookums. want an IPOD? you can have one from each parent!

start it today, it will get you through an otherwise utterly miserable summer.
ASMORIA!!! STOP THAT! Sheesh! You brat! :p

Will you all please give the poor guy a break? It's not nice to cash in a joke on some other person's distress. -_-'''

My parents would never do that!

Roshni, you have my sympathy and condolences. I can't identify with your situation and I have no advice for you, but I hope you get through this with your sanity intact.

--The Democratic States of Cogitation

Roshni, you have my sympathy and condolences. I can't identify with your situation and I have no advice for you, but I hope you get through this with your sanity intact.Hah. Not with us around (me, you, LG...)

Divorce sucks, but you know what sucks even more? Staying together for the children. I still haven't forgiven my folks for not splitting earlier. The stress levels in that house were ungodly and after the split it was like a breath of fresh air.
Yes, it will suck. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, custody battles are evil incarnate. But honestly, it's better than the bitter resentment and arguments if they were to stay together.

I don't know what your supposed to do; however, I know what you shouldn't do - post this problem on a general message board

Hah. Not with us around (me, you, LG...)As Roshni hasn't replied, yet, I'm not sure what effect everyone's sense-of-humor is having on him/her. I have been told that a divorce is extremely stressful on a child, so I suggest caution, here, with any joking around.

--The Democratic States of Cogitation
"Think about it for a moment."
Founder and Delegate of The Realm of Ambrosia

Thanks for the support I guess. Long replies :p .. and I had to find the thread again so that I could respond. And to clear things up, I'm not a 'dude'. I r teh female. I hardly doubt there's going to be any shared custody and I don't know what's going to happen right now so I'm going to stay out of all the mess and avoid decisions until it's necessary.