NationStates Jolt Archive

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.

I'm so sorry to hear that, just keep in mind, things do get easier, I promise :(

I know how you feel. I lost my dad a few years back to an industrial accident. Make your peace now while you have the chance. I didn't have that luxury.

Haven't lost any parents yet - lost my grandparents, and I was only close to my grandmother. It seemed to be time for her, though.

I've lost a lot of friends when I was in the Army due to "training accidents".

Even if you see them go, it's very unreal and very sudden.

You do need to talk to her. It's still going to feel sudden, though.

I know how you feel. I lost my dad a few years back to an industrial accident. Make your peace now while you have the chance. I didn't have that luxury.Both ways have their silver linings. With a quick death there is less suffering and you don't go throuh the pain of anticipation.
But at least I get to say goodbye and tell her how much she's meant to me.

My dad is sliding into "the long slow goodbye". He knows that the Alzheimer's is stealing his memories, and the increasing deafness and blindness conspire to isolate him even further. It's frustrating.

Take the time now to be with her, even if it costs you in other ways. You'll never get the chance again. Say what you want to say, what you have to say, and what you meant to say to her. Write it down if you have too.

Be a proxy for your siblings. Consider recording your chats with mom for their benefit, and yours later on.

Mainly, take the advice for counselling. They know how to deal with this, so use them.

She'll be gone soon enough, and you'll regret never having done or said <whatever> to her, so do it now. Hopefully, it will include the phrase, "I love you, Mom."

Luck.

your mom knows she's dying.

talk to her about what she wants for a funeral/memorial service. talk to her about her will and what she wants to do with her personal stuff that isnt in the will.

try to get your brother home from germany to see her before she dies. the doctors can help with that if its possible.

are you both OK with her dying in the hospital? she might prefer to be in her own bed in her own home. hospice can help with that.

does she have a DNR signed? talk to her about it, there is no sense bringing her back over and over again when it just postpones the inevitable.

talk to the doctors about pain management versus lucidity. she probably wants to be aware as long as possible without being utterly miserable with pain.

death sucks. there is no easy way or good way to handle it. dont hide from it; that will only mar the few days/weeks/months you have left with her. force yourself to talk openly and honestly with her about it, you can cry at home later. (not that you shouldnt cry in front of her, just that the natural horror at talking about her death has to be overcome)

let people know that the end is near in case they want to visit her before the end. get out the old photo albums and look through them with her if she is able. let her tell you all the old family stores a few more times. spend as much time with her as you can.

your mom knows she's dying.

talk to her about what she wants for a funeral/memorial service. talk to her about her will and what she wants to do with her personal stuff that isnt in the will.

try to get your brother home from germany to see her before she dies. the doctors can help with that if its possible.

are you both OK with her dying in the hospital? she might prefer to be in her own bed in her own home. hospice can help with that.

does she have a DNR signed? talk to her about it, there is no sense bringing her back over and over again when it just postpones the inevitable.

talk to the doctors about pain management versus lucidity. she probably wants to be aware as long as possible without being utterly miserable with pain.

death sucks. there is no easy way or good way to handle it. dont hide from it; that will only mar the few days/weeks/months you have left with her. force yourself to talk openly and honestly with her about it, you can cry at home later. (not that you shouldnt cry in front of her, just that the natural horror at talking about her death has to be overcome)

let people know that the end is near in case they want to visit her before the end. get out the old photo albums and look through them with her if she is able. let her tell you all the old family stores a few more times. spend as much time with her as you can.
We've talked about where she wants to be buried. There's a small cemetary way out in the middle of nowhere where here mother and some other family are buried. She wants me not to spend much on the funeral, she said get the cheapest pine box they have. She wants a non-religious service, and said whatever happens, don't let her minister brother preach over her. She's told me what songs and poems she wants at the service.
She's appointed her youngest sister and me to make medical decisions in the case she' s not able.

But until now it's always seemed like an abstract intellectual exercise.

She wants a non-religious service, and said whatever happens, don't let her minister brother preach over her. She's told me what songs and poems she wants at the service.

Whatever you do, make sure she gets what she wants in that regard.

I'm a born-again Christian, and my grandmother was as non-religious as you can get. Despite this, my mother and my aunt had a Baptist minister read over her - against her last wishes.

When the minister said, "I'm sure that Mildred loved Jesus..."

I wanted to stand up and yell, "BULLSHIT!" and walk out.

DO NOT LET HER MINISTER BROTHER PREACH OVER HER.

Mom's always had the utmost respect for genuine believers, though she's not one herself. Her brother is a pompous self-righteous ass. (as well as baptist) I don't even want him there, but he has as much right as any of the family, and she doesn't object to his presence.

We've talked about where she wants to be buried. There's a small cemetary way out in the middle of nowhere where here mother and some other family are buried. She wants me not to spend much on the funeral, she said get the cheapest pine box they have. She wants a non-religious service, and said whatever happens, don't let her minister brother preach over her. She's told me what songs and poems she wants at the service.
She's appointed her youngest sister and me to make medical decisions in the case she' s not able.

But until now it's always seemed like an abstract intellectual exercise.


I agree- assure her that you understand her wishes and them carry them out. Dont let some meddling know it all do-gooder inflict themselves on her wishes.

I dont have much experience in this are yet, but I would imagine it would do your mother some good to let her see you in control of your affairs. Maybe casually mention things in conversation that indicate things are good for you.
Dont let her feel she is leaving you in bad shape.

I dont know what else to say, but I do wish you the best.

Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.
ah man :(
i'm sorry to hear this... thankfully i've never had to go through this (not yet thank god/someone) so all i can offer over this here internet is my sympathy - i have no idea what i would do! :(
just be strong, and remember that the worst moments in life always come to pass

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.
I realize that it's not good to give hope in cases like this, but just as a question, have they tried hypnosis as an alternative to general anesthesia? I've read of cases similar to this one where hypnosis was used.

At any rate, the death of a parent, particularly when they're not all that old, is a very, very hard thing to go through. Just let me know if you need to talk to someone other than family. I listen pretty good, and I don't share anything offered in confidence ... ever!

Love you! ( HUG )

dont forget to take care of yourself too. get enough sleep, eat right. you need your strength to help her.

death just sucks. all you can do is do you best by what she wants and needs.

Wow. I'm really sorry to hear about this...I don't really have any advice to offer, but I just wanted to remind you to take care of yourself too. Do you have any friends or family close to you that can help you out?

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.The only solution is, don't get close to people. I'm not close to anyone. Of course, some people think that's a bad thing...but it means less pain, less emotion, and less humanity. All of which are good.

You have my condolences, Bitchkitten. I hope she'll enjoy her final moments and then rest in peace.

The only solution is, don't get close to people. I'm not close to anyone. Of course, some people think that's a bad thing...but it means less pain, less emotion, and less humanity. All of which are good.Being so isolated means that any pain you do suffer is pain that you bear alone and that it's easier to become overwhelmed in rough times. It is, of course, your right to choose how you live your life, but I don't see it as a choice that I would recommend to anyone.

--The Democratic States of Cogitation
"Think about it for a moment."

I realize that it's not good to give hope in cases like this, but just as a question, have they tried hypnosis as an alternative to general anesthesia? I've read of cases similar to this one where hypnosis was used.

At any rate, the death of a parent, particularly when they're not all that old, is a very, very hard thing to go through. Just let me know if you need to talk to someone other than family. I listen pretty good, and I don't share anything offered in confidence ... ever!

Love you! ( HUG )
I'm not sure the VA in OKC is up on alternative medicine. They tend to be a little conservative, as well as on a limited budget. They'd probably have to get someone from the outside to do it. I'm not sure whether or not medicare or the VA would cover it. She had insurance through the state but dropped it when she got on at the VA. Said it was too expensive.

You have my condolences, Bitchkitten. I hope she'll enjoy her final moments and then rest in peace.

Being so isolated means that any pain you do suffer is pain that you bear alone and that it's easier to become overwhelmed in rough times. It is, of course, your right to choose how you live your life, but I don't see it as a choice that I would recommend to anyone.

--The Democratic States of Cogitation
"Think about it for a moment."I wouldn't recommend it either. I'd have done myself in a long time ago if it weren't for the people I care about and those that care about me.

I'm not sure the VA in OKC is up on alternative medicine. They tend to be a little conservative, as well as on a limited budget. They'd probably have to get someone from the outside to do it. I'm not sure whether or not medicare or the VA would cover it. She had insurance through the state but dropped it when she got on at the VA. Said it was too expensive.

if youre worried about that, take her to an outside specialist. surely OKC has a big kidney center that you could get a consult from. a consultation wont cost you much, if they have a good alternative you can press the VA for it.

Being so isolated means that any pain you do suffer is pain that you bear alone and that it's easier to become overwhelmed in rough times. It is, of course, your right to choose how you live your life, but I don't see it as a choice that I would recommend to anyone.

--The Democratic States of Cogitation
"Think about it for a moment."Well yes, but I intend to cut out all pain. I already can't feel much physical pain. Getting rid of the emotional pain too is abetted by not caring about anybody. Eventually I may become a total machine. However, that does sound a bit too scary for me so I try to put whatever is left of my limited personality onto these forums.

With the consequence that everyone thinks I'm weird and laughs at/teases me. :(

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.

I can so relate. I lost my father in 2001. We knew it was sort of coming, but when it did happen, it happened fast. He was being cared for at home by my mother until he collapsed in the morning around 6 AM, so Mom called 911 and he was rushed to hospital. This had happened before and so I don't think I put much stock in it. Well my phone rang at 4 AM the following morning, which was odd, because no one phones me @ 4 am. It was my brother to tell me my father had passed away in the night. I was "okay" because at first there is certainly a surreal feeling. It didn't take me until actually after the funeral to cry. We all wanted to be strong for mom. I even read the eulogy, which my brother had written, but was unable to give, (too shy) I have a background in speaking in public, yet that day I still had a lump in the back of my throat and my heart must of been racing a million miles an hour. Of course my parents had planned for their end of life and mom knew his wishes. He was only 65.

However, I face the same thing now with my mother. She has been very ill for some years now. In total kidney failure and has to be hooked up to a machine 4 times a week for 4 hours each time, she has a lung disease, (she never smoked a day in her life) and very high blood pressure. Her time too is short and we know it. With mom, unlike dad, I have been real up-front with her, I've asked her what she wants. I always put in the disclaimer with her that "in the event" and throw in a joke telling her she'll out live me. I try to keep it light. But I really have to know what she wants. I know she has a will and stuff, but still. I make sure I never forget to tell her what a great mother she has been to me, and how much I love her, you just can't tell her that enough. I am preparing myself for the day that I know will come sadly sooner rather than later. I want to have no regrets. I did with my father. But I won't with my mother, I call her all the time and we talk like we never talked in all the years before. I know I will be crushed when she goes, but I will also have the solace that nothing will be left unsaid. There is no right or wrong way to act or deal with your grief, you'll deal with it the way you will. Just make sure you leave nothing unsaid. Time will heal..I know it sounds so cliche.. but it is a cliche for a reason, because it's true.

I hope nothing but good wishes for your mother and your family. May the days be as best for you as can be expected, but please remember, don't let her go with regret, make sure she knows how you feel about her, don't just assume she does.

Peace.

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.

I'm so sorry to hear that... :(

I can't really add to the good advice that's already been given, especially since it's always easier to say than to do. But indeed, talk to her, spend time with her... Brace yourself as much as you can, but obviously it's going to hit hard and be very painful for a while...

i'm so sorry to hear that i lost my father to cancer 3 years ago just make sure you say goodbye and anything else you want to say or ask.

I can so relate. I lost my father in 2001. We knew it was sort of coming, but when it did happen, it happened fast. He was being cared for at home by my mother until he collapsed in the morning around 6 AM, so Mom called 911 and he was rushed to hospital. This had happened before and so I don't think I put much stock in it. Well my phone rang at 4 AM the following morning, which was odd, because no one phones me @ 4 am. It was my brother to tell me my father had passed away in the night. I was "okay" because at first there is certainly a surreal feeling. It didn't take me until actually after the funeral to cry. We all wanted to be strong for mom. I even read the eulogy, which my brother had written, but was unable to give, (too shy) I have a background in speaking in public, yet that day I still had a lump in the back of my throat and my heart must of been racing a million miles an hour. Of course my parents had planned for their end of life and mom knew his wishes. He was only 65.

However, I face the same thing now with my mother. She has been very ill for some years now. In total kidney failure and has to be hooked up to a machine 4 times a week for 4 hours each time, she has a lung disease, (she never smoked a day in her life) and very high blood pressure. Her time too is short and we know it. With mom, unlike dad, I have been real up-front with her, I've asked her what she wants. I always put in the disclaimer with her that "in the event" and throw in a joke telling her she'll out live me. I try to keep it light. But I really have to know what she wants. I know she has a will and stuff, but still. I make sure I never forget to tell her what a great mother she has been to me, and how much I love her, you just can't tell her that enough. I am preparing myself for the day that I know will come sadly sooner rather than later. I want to have no regrets. I did with my father. But I won't with my mother, I call her all the time and we talk like we never talked in all the years before. I know I will be crushed when she goes, but I will also have the solace that nothing will be left unsaid. There is no right or wrong way to act or deal with your grief, you'll deal with it the way you will. Just make sure you leave nothing unsaid. Time will heal..I know it sounds so cliche.. but it is a cliche for a reason, because it's true.

I hope nothing but good wishes for your mother and your family. May the days be as best for you as can be expected, but please remember, don't let her go with regret, make sure she knows how you feel about her, don't just assume she does.

Peace.
Well said. You are to be commended for your insight and compassion.

I don't much like to hear about people dying of natural causes at my own age ... gives me too intimate an awareness of my own vulnerability.

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.

Sorry to hear about your Mother, really.
I lost my father, when I was sixteen, a few years ago.
It was really hard and for a long time it was really tuff. I isolated myself from all my friends and family for a long time, to tell the truth it has only been a year since I started to go out again to have some fun for a change.
It is really good to have people who care about you near to you at first.
Look at pictures, remind your self about good times you had ect. this helps.
Spend the time you have left talking to her and just being with her.
Hope this helps.

Sá sem búið er að kveðja í huganum, hann er dáinn.
Paradísarheimt. Steinar.

God Bless.

If I were not overcome by extreme apathy, I'd feel sorry for you.

If I were not overcome by extreme apathy, I'd feel sorry for you.
Who are you talking to chief?
If it's meant for the author of this thread then thats just wrong. Jesus, have a heart.

My father died suddenly when I was 8 from a heart attack, he was only 46, so it hit me out of nowhere, as opposed to being able to see it coming.

My advice is to just be with her, don't over-do the normalcy of thing, she knows what's coming, but also don't feel the need for it to be the reason you talk to her. If something funny happened to you today, tell her. Let her know you are there if she needs to talk.

But my best wishes are with you.

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.
Get the Red Cross to send a message to your brother's command. It will get him home on emergency leave. I think he will appreciate it. Do this. I missed being with my Mom and my Dad when each of them died and barely made it to the funerals. This is one thing the Red Cross is good at and the military will not interfere with.

Who are you talking to chief?
If it's meant for the author of this thread then thats just wrong. Jesus, have a heart.

Really. I think I wasted my allotted emotions for today on fictional characters

I am so very sorry to hear about your mother, BK. I lost my father Christmas Eve 1999 from lung that had metastized in his brain. I was back in school at that time and I sacrificed everything to be with him and help my mother. When the cancer reached his brain, there was not much time left. I was happy to have taken the time to say all that needed to be said between us, because there came a time when he could not speak anymore. I was 29 and not ready to lose my father yet...

The road ahead will be difficult, but it can be full of joyous moments as well. Don't pass up those moments. And cherish the ones you love.

Much love. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

I am sorry to hear about your mother. I lost my father a few years ago; it was expected, but not when it happened. He had been through several major illnesses and always pulled it out. Then he ended up in the hospital, seemed to be getting better and then suddenly his heart just gave out. He had spent the last few years in a nursing home because he was just too much for my mother to handle. I was not close to my father during most of my teen and early adult years. His drinking and womanizing put the family through much pain. I was able to look beyond his faults and see the person he was and could have been. He had many very good qualities that I came to understand and appreaciate once I was married and had children. During his days in the nursing home I saw him as often as possible even though the drive from where I now live is over five hours. I don't regret that part one bit. It was very healing to see and help with his needs occasionly. When he did die I was happy to know that the suffering was over and he was at rest. My younger sister who loved only an hour away seldom saw him and seemed very unprepared for his death.

Spend as much time with your as your are able to would be my advise for you. You will feel better when the time comes for your mother to depart this world. You will have done as much as you could possibly do.

Really. I think I wasted my allotted emotions for today on fictional characters

I am wondering how you know that the character is fictional?

My father died suddenly when I was 8 from a heart attack, he was only 46, so it hit me out of nowhere, as opposed to being able to see it coming.

That sounds almost exactly like what happened to my fiancee...her father died of a sudden heart attack when he was 48 and she was 7. His doctor had even given him a clean bill of health three days beforehand. She can relate to such a thing far better than I ever could...not that I wish death on my parents anytime soon, because I sure as hell don't...for one thing, both of them still have at least one living parent.

Then it happened to her again this past Christmas when she was 20 (she's still 20, but it had to have brought back some memories she would rather have not had to relive.) It was the first time I lived through a horrific event like that (I should clarify, her mom remarried in 1999, and it was her mom's husband who died in pretty much the same way four days before Christmas. I can't imagine them ever wanting Christmas to come again; even me proposing to her on Christmas Day can't quite overcome someone dying.)

http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9123951&postcount=27
http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=9124116&postcount=31

Zatarack, I suggest strongly that you post elsewhere on this forum and stop flamebaiting in this thread.

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.

I haven't been through it yet myself. Can only imagine how hard it can be.

I wish you strenth, courage and peace.

Thank you everyone. Some of you just had sympathy to give, and that was appreciated. Others gave very thoughtful advice or shared their own experiences. You were all exceptionally helpful. :fluffle:



(the one exception shall be ignored)

:(

BK, I wish that there were words enough to say how hearing this makes me feel - but as Im sure you well know, there just arent enough of them in the dictionary.

I know I can't say anything to make it easier, and there really isnt much I can do to take the weight of the world off of your shoulders... but please know that Im thinking of you, and my heart goes out tonight.

*hugs*

BK,

I am so sorry to read about this. I'm at a loss for words. :eek: Luckily, you've already gotten lots of good advice.

I hope it helps to know that there are alot of us that feel for you and wish we could help.

Perhaps I'll think of something comforting to say later. For now, all I can offer is a cyber-hug. :fluffle:

I tried to send special thanks to some people, but some of them aren't connected to their country page. So they didn't get a TG. *coughAshmoriacough*

Well, Mom's in the hospital again. She' in end stage renal failure and they can't do a transplant. Her health is so bad that they're afraid to put her under general anethesia.
We've been in a little bit of denial. Though we know her time left is short, it's an intellectual thing. We didn't really feel it until we spoke to the nurse in the cardiac unit yesterday.
She asked us if we had talked to Mom about "end of life" counseling.
She's only 61, and we're not ready for this. I have one brother in the army, stationed in Germany. The other is doing a long prison stretch. So it'll be up to me to handle things.
Let me know how you did/would handle things. I've honestly never lost anyone I was really close to. Perhaps it's because I get close to so few people.
My mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis when I was still in grade school. She's been lucky, never suffering the extreme handicaps that many MS patients endure, but dealing with her frequent exhaustion and periodic losses of sight or hearing has been a part of my family's life for many years. We felt like we pretty much had a good handle on it, and had learned to cope.

Then they found the tumors.

She went in for an MRI scan, to check up on the progression of her MS, and they found a moderate size meningioma sitting on top of her cerebellum. Another small tumor was found near her auditory nerve.

So far there has been no chemo, and (thankfully) no surgery, because we are waiting to see what the tumors do. She's had no outward symptoms, and the neurologists are very hesitant to opperate because brain surgery tends to leave lasting effects even in the best possible cases. "Open the brain, never the same," they sometimes say. But one of the tumors is growing.

My father's mother died when he was the age I am right now. As I came face to face with the possibility of losing my mother, I also found myself understanding my father in a new way. I realized that much of who he is as a parent has been shaped by losing his mother at such a young age.

I try to imagine how my life would be changed by losing my mom now, and I honestly can't even picture it...she is such a force, such a presence, it's impossible to think of the world continuing as usual if she passes out of it. The thought that it might do just that, that the sun might rise and set in the normal way, even if my mom died, seems very wrong somehow.

I don't know how I would deal with losing either of my parents. I often worry that my old drug problem would resurface, or that my career might collapse, and I know both of those things would disappoint my parents. I can only hope that some measure of my parents' strength will have been passed on to me, so I can deal with what life (and death) throws my way.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I always feel helpless in these situations because words are never enough. I lost my father in law last year in a horrible accident. He fell into a fire and burned to death and my mother in law found him. Everyone was in shock, and I felt numb all the way up to and through the funeral. Then they had a flag folding cerimony, taps, and a 21 gun salute. I literally fell apart. I think everyone did.

There was no warning. I just got a phone call one day and was told my father in law just burned to death in a fire. I went numb for quite a while, as I said, and stayed that way for quite a while.

One thing I want to mention is that if you don't seem upset, or seem to be behaving inappropriately, it's OK. The grieving will come when you're ready. For me, it's usually somewhere down the line at the least expected moment.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I'm glad you will have time with her before her death. That's important and will mean a lot to her and be a great comfort to both of you.

I wish your last days together to be memorable, and I hope that all goes according to your mothers wishes. I'm struggling for words, but I can't find any.

Take care of yourself. :fluffle: