NationStates Jolt Archive

A lady from work died on Monday, a few short months after learning she had a rare, terminal cancer. We had a bit of a row (a polite one) after I had sung some Spanish songs during our Christmas party and then made a comment about being an atheist. You see, I live in a very religious town, and people were constantly coming up to me and asking me which church I went to. I was getting tired of the long explanations, the utter confusion on the part of those asking this, and I thought I'd just get it out there in the open. Well, this lady later told me that this comment had completely ruined her enjoyment of the songs I'd sung, and we had a long talk about religion, and about how the enjoyment of the music, and the enjoyment of the religious message of these songs can exists apart from one another. I was actually happy that she'd been bold enough to let me know it bothered her, and gave me a chance to discuss it with her. In a way, even though I didn't interact with her very often after that, I feel as though I did get to know her, perhaps better than many other people I work with.

But I never know how to deal with funerals. You'd think after attending so many, I would have gotten it down by now, but I haven't. I can't feel sorrow all of a sudden during a ceremony...I miss the people who have died when there is a sudden absence of their presence where that presence is expected. I used to visit a cousin in Edmonton during the summer, but I never saw her during the rest of the year because she wouldn't come to family functions. So I don't think about her until the summer. A childhood friend who took her life only springs to my mind when I visit the Reservation school. Now I have another absent life to add to my strange memory. And yet, I'm rarely overcome with grief. I ache at times for those who have died, but somehow I wonder if I'm doing it right. Shouldn't I feel more? Doesn't the death of others bring you face to face with your own mortality? Why doesn't it seem to do that to me? Funerals always make me question my reaction to death, and I always find that I don't seem to have much of one. And I feel guilty because of it.

Don't feel bad. I guess whenever anyone dies, or disappears, a window is opened on your mortality. It does not mean you have to look. ;)

A lady from work died on Monday, a few short months after learning she had a rare, terminal cancer. We had a bit of a row (a polite one) after I had sung some Spanish songs during our Christmas party and then made a comment about being an atheist. You see, I live in a very religious town, and people were constantly coming up to me and asking me which church I went to. I was getting tired of the long explanations, the utter confusion on the part of those asking this, and I thought I'd just get it out there in the open. Well, this lady later told me that this comment had completely ruined her enjoyment of the songs I'd sung, and we had a long talk about religion, and about how the enjoyment of the music, and the enjoyment of the religious message of these songs can exists apart from one another. I was actually happy that she'd been bold enough to let me know it bothered her, and gave me a chance to discuss it with her. In a way, even though I didn't interact with her very often after that, I feel as though I did get to know her, perhaps better than many other people I work with.

But I never know how to deal with funerals. You'd think after attending so many, I would have gotten it down by now, but I haven't. I can't feel sorrow all of a sudden during a ceremony...I miss the people who have died when there is a sudden absence of their presence where that presence is expected. I used to visit a cousin in Edmonton during the summer, but I never saw her during the rest of the year because she wouldn't come to family functions. So I don't think about her until the summer. A childhood friend who took her life only springs to my mind when I visit the Reservation school. Now I have another absent life to add to my strange memory. And yet, I'm rarely overcome with grief. I ache at times for those who have died, but somehow I wonder if I'm doing it right. Shouldn't I feel more? Doesn't the death of others bring you face to face with your own mortality? Why doesn't it seem to do that to me? Funerals always make me question my reaction to death, and I always find that I don't seem to have much of one. And I feel guilty because of it.


First off-dont go to the funeral-you'll just do something to bring attention to yourself and annoy everyone there.

I know what you mean-kind of. I've been to many funerals and was surprised at my lack of emotion at some of them. I cried and was sad at both of my grandmother's funerals-I was much younger and very close with both of them.
Many since, where I expected to be emotional-people I was close with, my family present and all very upset-but I didnt get teared up at all.
A friend's daughter's funeral-I realized at the wake, I couldnt go up to the casket and see her-my last memory was of just a few days earlier when she was alive and happy. I didnt want the image a a dead teenager in my memory, so I bowed out.

I cried when Mickey died in Rocky. then they got me agian when Burgess Meredit's character died in Grumpier Old Men. I cant stand to see Burgess Meredith Die.

First of all, don't feel guilty. There's no reason for that.
I think it is a normal reaction not to acutely feel the loss of a person during a funeral ceremony, and I don't think that is the purpose of the ceremony. The ceremony, in my eyes, serves to remind us of the life of that person, it's like last chance to get to know more about them by talking to the people the person was close to in life.
It's a way of sharing your thoughts and feelings about somebody after they left. Some people will feel the loss when they re-live the memories, others will feel the loss at other times. The fact that you cry less than the others doesn't mean that they feel more than you do, just that they feel differently and cope with it in a different way.

And why should it make you sad to be faced by your own mortality? After all, you face it every day, just less consciously. It should make you appreciate life more, not grieve about it.

Some people are better at understanding that death is an inevitable part of life.

Yes you feel sorrow for those who have gone, but you also understand that your actions cannot bring the dead back to life, whether that be by lots of crying or jumping on the coffin in the middle of a ceremony.

Write a poem or a song that describes your feelings about the deceased.

First off-dont go to the funeral-you'll just do something to bring attention to yourself and annoy everyone there.
Hey! I AM capable of restraining myself and following 'local customs' you know...sheesh. So sure I have terminal foot-in-mouth disease are you?

And why should it make you sad to be faced by your own mortality? After all, you face it every day, just less consciously. It should make you appreciate life more, not grieve about it.
I guess that's always the way I've thought about it...death doesn't make me sad nearly as much as things that happen when people are alive. And when something happens to remind me of one who has died (I'm sorry, I just hate using euphemisms like passed, gone to meet her Saviour, etc etc), I don't think about their death, I think about why I loved them.

Sorry about the lady you work with dying. I would reccomend that you go to the funeral. Pay your final respects. I was supposed to go to a funeral today, but I was unable to attend. Had to go to work instead. I feel guilty about it. If you can attend, I think you should.

Contrary to the 'hard ass' image I put forth in I.I, I actually don't handle funerals for loved ones well at all. Friends are the worst.

I have two friends that died 6 months from eachother, the second one dying New Year's Eve. Both times I felt like I had been hit with a ton of bricks when I heard, but the funeral was much worse. I always break down when I see someone who had so much life in them laying motionless in a casket. I keep expecting them to sit up and laugh at me for being fooled, but I know it's not going to happen.

When I let people into my life, I care for them greatly. When a friend or family member dies, I cry very hard, and the thought always stays with me. It has been a year now since the first of my two friends I mentioned died, and I still think about him constantly. Towards the end I didn't see him much, but we basically grew up together....and until the day I die I don't think I'll ever let either of their deaths out of my mind.

There are times when I'll hear a certain song that was being played in the funeral home when I was there and my eyes will start to water. Like, I cannot listen to 'My Immortal' by Evanescence without my eyes getting watery, no matter where I am. Just something that gets to me.

Death is just a passing on. At least to me. I feel sad that I can't talk to or play with the people who have died in my life but in the funerals I was exercising all my self-control to avoid fidgeting. I still remember and feel sad at times but my belief is that I'll meet them again when I die anyway.

'let the dead bury their dead' In other words, deal with the living, they are more important.

Sorry about the lady you work with dying. I would reccomend that you go to the funeral. Pay your final respects. I was supposed to go to a funeral today, but I was unable to attend. Had to go to work instead. I feel guilty about it. If you can attend, I think you should.
Oh, I'm going. We're closing down in the afternoon so everyone who wants to can attend. I'm going to be horribly uncomfortable, because she belonged to one of those born again churches, and I'm going to hate all the religious talk, but I know she would've like me to be there anyway.

I always break down when I see someone who had so much life in them laying motionless in a casket. I keep expecting them to sit up and laugh at me for being fooled, but I know it's not going to happen.


That's my one caveat at funerals...I will not walk by the casket. I refuse to remember them that way. It's not really them anyway anymore. I've been to more funerals than I care to remember, lost many, many friends and family and community members to violent death, and pissed people off by refusing to view the casket, but I'm sticking by it. That one image will supersede them all, and it's just not worth it.

Hey! I AM capable of restraining myself and following 'local customs' you know...sheesh. So sure I have terminal foot-in-mouth disease are you?

You managed to muck up a Christmas party singing Spanish songs. The worst I've done at a Christmas party was banging women I wasnt supposed to-but I still managed not to draw anyone else's-aside from the "bangee's" attention.
Now at a funeral, you'll somehow manage to make some attention grabbing statement that will have mourners debating with you while the stiff gets stiffer and everyone forgets why they are there.

No, my sweet-you have no restraint.

That's my one caveat at funerals...I will not walk by the casket. I refuse to remember them that way. It's not really them anyway anymore. I've been to more funerals than I care to remember, lost many, many friends and family and community members to violent death, and pissed people off by refusing to view the casket, but I'm sticking by it. That one image will supersede them all, and it's just not worth it.


I agree with this for the most part. And its sad to see someone that has to make a comment after viewing. "Oh-they did a good job" or "He looks peaceful"- these are just what the family wants to hear, right? Peaceful? He's fucking dead!!! It dont get more peaceful, stupid!!
They did a goof job? Great!!! Now we dont have to stop payment on the check-they restored that life-like lustre. I could almost kiss him now-AND THEN PEOPLE KISS THE BODY.... enough already.

I think its disrespectful to stand and speak over someone's remains.

You managed to muck up a Christmas party singing Spanish songs.
Ah hush. Everyone loved it. Suddenly, "Silent Night" was all exotic and sexy sounding!
Now at a funeral, you'll somehow manage to make some attention grabbing statement that will have mourners debating with you while the stiff gets stiffer and everyone forgets why they are there. I'm actually a bit flattered that you think I live hard-core like that every waking moment...but for things like these, where I am so completely out of my element, I 'blend'. To me, it is just as important to mimic the behaviours of others during such a ceremony as it is to sit quietly in a Peruvian village hoping that I'll be mistaken for a local and not dragged out by the paramilitary. It's not restraint...it's a survival instinct.

I won't pray. I won't bow my head or say 'Amen'. But I won't go screaming about the evils of religions and start talking about smashing the state.

That's my one caveat at funerals...I will not walk by the casket. I refuse to remember them that way. It's not really them anyway anymore. I've been to more funerals than I care to remember, lost many, many friends and family and community members to violent death, and pissed people off by refusing to view the casket, but I'm sticking by it. That one image will supersede them all, and it's just not worth it.

My first friend Josh died in a drunk driving accident. He was a passenger in a pickup truck and the driver was drunk (he [the driver] also walked away without a scratch...figures). Josh's head was crushed in the accident, and the folks at the funeral home did the best they could to reconstruct his head for the funeral. They had to have him wear a hat, and his face was so painted up with makeup to mask the damage that he looked like a mannequin, no joke.

My other friend Eric who died in a snowmobile accident on New Year's Eve looked like his everyday self. He drowned in 20 feet of ice water, so at least his body wasn't compromised, and he just appeared to be sleeping.

But I always view the bodies as a sign of respect, and a chance to say one last goodbye face to face.

I cried when Mickey died in Rocky. then they got me agian when Burgess Meredit's character died in Grumpier Old Men. I cant stand to see Burgess Meredith Die.

Er... he's passed on in real life, so at least you're now spared from any new death sequences...

I think its disrespectful to stand and speak over someone's remains.
I think it's creepy. That is what the body is...the remains. It isn't the person. You're looking at a shell. I don't believe in a soul...but I do believe in some sort of animating force that is decidedly absent upon death.

The worst is when someone has died rather gruesomely, but the family insists on open-casket and the efforts of those in Occy's profession can't quite work miracles enough to repair that kind of damage...

I prefer the traditional funerals, both of my native people, and of my Irish hertiage. At a traditional native funeral (not one blended with Catholocism, as so many are), there is no viewing of the body. The body does not matter anymore. The lifeforce does, and it lingers until it is sent away. So you remind it of it's life, and let go your connections to it, until it's gone. For me, it's all figurative, but it still works better for me. The Irish wakes I've been to, (minus the traditional wailers) are like celebrations. Those work for me too. These solemn, religious ceremonies just make me uncomfortable...but every now and again they surprise me. I find, the more people that get up and speak about the deceased FROM THE HEART, the more I connect to the ceremony. They seem more natural and real...and you can FEEL it in the way people respond.

Anyway...

Er... he's passed on in real life, so at least you're now spared from any new death sequences...


NO!! Mick? MICKEY??? *tearing up now*

Ah hush.

I won't pray. I won't bow my head or say 'Amen'. But I won't go screaming about the evils of religions and start talking about smashing the state.


Here is an example-always making some statement. And after a few glasses of wine at the gathering after, you'll be telling them all why they're wrong and speculating about souls, blah, blah, blah.

Honestly Sinuhue,

I would say the majority of people show emotions at a funeral. And then there are people like who may not show emotions. Quite honestly, there is no set in stone way to mourn the loss of anyone. Someone whom we just met and just got to know, or someone we've known our entire lives. It's your own way your mind deals with it. Some people I know are the type it doesn't hit them until long after everything is done.

So don't worry about it. You're not alone in your grieving process. Just as each human being is unique so is the way each person deals with things...

NO!! Mick? MICKEY??? *tearing up now*

Afriad so... been gone since 1997...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0580565/

Afriad so... been gone since 1997...

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0580565/


I know-he was older than dirt then. I just couldnt watch him die in the movies.
Maybe its the music. Certain pieces of music actually make me well up.

My first friend Josh died in a drunk driving accident. He was a passenger in a pickup truck and the driver was drunk (he [the driver] also walked away without a scratch...figures). Josh's head was crushed in the accident, and the folks at the funeral home did the best they could to reconstruct his head for the funeral. They had to have him wear a hat, and his face was so painted up with makeup to mask the damage that he looked like a mannequin, no joke.

My other friend Eric who died in a snowmobile accident on New Year's Eve looked like his everyday self. He drowned in 20 feet of ice water, so at least his body wasn't compromised, and he just appeared to be sleeping.

But I always view the bodies as a sign of respect, and a chance to say one last goodbye face to face.

thats terrible-I hate to hear that. One of my friends was killed on a construction site-riding a steel beam hanging from a boom-it fell-the fall killed him, but a heavy beam landed on him.
There was an open casket-it was truly gruesome. There was no way humanly possible to restore how he once looked. I wouldnt have been able to ID him if I didnt know it was him.

I have no problem kneeling and saying a prayer and goodbye at a closed casket. I just dont feel right viewing remains. It feels wrong to me. I'm not sqeamish-I guess I'm very aware and trying very hard to be respectful and appropriate-and that just "feels" wrong to me.
But I understand why you feel differently. And we both intend the same thing.