NationStates Jolt Archive

Ignoring the horrendous title...

How do you tell the difference between romantic and platonic love? Lovers/crushes and friends? Do you determine the difference through physical attraction or lust, or is it something else? If so, what?

It's something that I can't put into words... You just know. ;)

if you want to fuck their brains out, its romantic love. if dont even want to kiss her on the cheek, its platonic

the difference between love and lust can only be told over time. in the beginning its ALL based on lust and delusion. only over time do you come to know your sweetheart well enough to be in love with HER and not some image you have of her.

if you want to fuck their brains out, its romantic love. if dont even want to kiss her on the cheek, its platonic

Yes. I'm convinced that platonic is a misspelling. Perfect love as described by Plato (from whom the word is derived) is all consuming and perfect love. When people talk about the absence of romantic attraction they're usually talking about plutonic love. i.e. Cold and dead like Pluto, the Roman god of the grave.

if you want to fuck their brains out, its romantic love. if dont even want to kiss her on the cheek, its platonic

the difference between love and lust can only be told over time. in the beginning its ALL based on lust and delusion. only over time do you come to know your sweetheart well enough to be in love with HER and not some image you have of her.

So you're saying that romantic relationships have to start with lust? And what degree of lust do you mean? Does a person need to want to have sex with another person, or can it just be a desire for intimacy?

Yes. I'm convinced that platonic is a misspelling. Perfect love as described by Plato (from whom the word is derived) is all consuming and perfect love. When people talk about the absence of romantic attraction they're usually talking about plutonic love. i.e. Cold and dead like Pluto, the Roman god of the grave.

That is a really interesting random fact! I must file that away for future notice. Man, the English language is weird...

Yes. I'm convinced that platonic is a misspelling. Perfect love as described by Plato (from whom the word is derived) is all consuming and perfect love. When people talk about the absence of romantic attraction they're usually talking about plutonic love. i.e. Cold and dead like Pluto, the Roman god of the grave.
Um... Pluto != Plato.

Not even close.

Plutonic love would be a love that is the ultimate sacrifice for "the other," depending on what a person held dear.

So you're saying that romantic relationships have to start with lust? And what degree of lust do you mean? Does a person need to want to have sex with another person, or can it just be a desire for intimacy?

Barring the odd execption to the rule: It's lust.

The desire for intimacy thing rarely involves real love. Not in my experience at least

Relationship != love != sex != friends.

!

So you're saying that romantic relationships have to start with lust? And what degree of lust do you mean? Does a person need to want to have sex with another person, or can it just be a desire for intimacy?
welll a desire for intimacy is fine as long as its a physical desire. without that "need" to kiss or touch (or fuck) your beloved, its not romantic love. its not the degree of desire so much as the existance of desire.

if you dont "want" her, its not romantic love, its a real nice friendship.

Relationship != love != sex != friends.

!

*excessive confusion*

welll a desire for intimacy is fine as long as its a physical desire. without that "need" to kiss or touch (or fuck) your beloved, its not romantic love. its not the degree of desire so much as the existance of desire.

if you dont "want" her, its not romantic love, its a real nice friendship.
Man, you really need to learn about romance.

Romance is a philosophy that holds the woman exalted, as a deity.

*quizzical look*

all i did was answer his question about how you know the difference betweeen romantic and platonic love.

sexual desire IS the difference.

now im not saying that lust IS love. thats just stupid. you lust after lots of people in your life that you neither know, nor love, nor sometimes even LIKE.

but thats wasnt the question.

Ignoring the horrendous title...

How do you tell the difference between romantic and platonic love? Lovers/crushes and friends? Do you determine the difference through physical attraction or lust, or is it something else? If so, what?

In one word....

..............................SEX..........................................

*quizzical look*

all i did was answer his question about how you know the difference betweeen romantic and platonic love.

sexual desire IS the difference.

now im not saying that lust IS love. thats just stupid. you lust after lots of people in your life that you neither know, nor love, nor sometimes even LIKE.

but thats wasnt the question.
Romantic love is the ultimate in love. It holds the woman exalted as a deity, above all else. It takes her out to dinner, it showers her with gifts, it takes her back to *her* place, and when it makes love to her, it does so at her bidding. You are right --it has nothing to do with lust.

*quizzical look*

all i did was answer his question about how you know the difference betweeen romantic and platonic love.

sexual desire IS the difference.

now im not saying that lust IS love. thats just stupid. you lust after lots of people in your life that you neither know, nor love, nor sometimes even LIKE.

but thats wasnt the question.

Female, actually. :)

The reason I was wondering is because I'm trying to figure out if I'm in love with someone, which is a problem for me because I don't have sexual attraction or desire to use as a distintinguishing characteristic being friendship and love.

Female, actually. :)

The reason I was wondering is because I'm trying to figure out if I'm in love with someone, which is a problem for me because I don't have sexual attraction or desire to use as a distintinguishing characteristic being friendship and love.
Go you!

Love is not about a physical relationship, nor does it require much knowledge of "the other."

"In love" is not the same as "loving someone." Being in love, you lose your mind, your heart, and your soul to them. Loving someone is much better.

Female, actually. :)

The reason I was wondering is because I'm trying to figure out if I'm in love with someone, which is a problem for me because I don't have sexual attraction or desire to use as a distintinguishing characteristic being friendship and love.
how old are you?

how old are you?
Kiwi-Kiwi, as your self-appointed attorney, I say you don't have to answer that.

You could be 10 or 100, and the problem would be identical.

Go you!

Love is not about a physical relationship, nor does it require much knowledge of "the other."

"In love" is not the same as "loving someone." Being in love, you lose your mind, your heart, and your soul to them. Loving someone is much better.

That makes sense. But I know I love my family, and I love my friends... but is loving someone romantically separate from that sort of love, when physical attraction isn't involved? Is it a deeper connection, or brings about different emotions?

the problem is NOT identical.

if you are 13, its an entirely different story than if you are 25.

if you are very young and have not much experience in sexual desire, then not feeling lusty about a boy is no big deal. you take it very slowly and dont do ANYTHING that you do not feel a desire for, whether that be holding hands or sexual intercourse. if you dont WANT it, you dont DO it.

if you are 25, dont bother trying to build a lasting relationship with someone you have no physical desire for. its not fair to you and its not fair to him.

That makes sense. But I know I love my family, and I love my friends... but is loving someone romantically separate from that sort of love, when physical attraction isn't involved? Is it a deeper connection, or brings about different emotions?
It's all a difference of "the other."

It depends on what you are putting yourself in opposition to. With family, you put yourself in opposition to them as an individual. With a partner, you put yourself in oppostion *to* an individual. So, yes, it's a different "type" of love.

how old are you?

As Willamena states below, my age isn't necessarily a factor. For whichever aspect you were questioning for, my possible love or my nonsexuality.

However, I will say that I am 17, and will tell you that I'll probably be just as nonsexual in ten or twenty years as I am now.

the problem is NOT identical.

if you are 13, its an entirely different story than if you are 25.

if you are very young and have not much experience in sexual desire, then not feeling lusty about a boy is no big deal. you take it very slowly and dont do ANYTHING that you do not feel a desire for, whether that be holding hands or sexual intercourse. if you dont WANT it, you dont DO it.

if you are 25, dont bother trying to build a lasting relationship with someone you have no physical desire for. its not fair to you and its not fair to him.
In case you missed it, physical love isn't involved.

It's all a difference of "the other."

It depends on what you are putting yourself in opposition to. With family, you put yourself in opposition to them as an individual. With a partner, you put yourself in oppostion *to* an individual. So, yes, it's a different "type" of love.

I don't quite understand the difference between 'opposition as' and 'opposition to'. Could you please clarify?

As Willamena states below, my age isn't necessarily a factor. For whichever aspect you were questioning for, my possible love or my nonsexuality.

However, I will say that I am 17, and will tell you that I'll probably be just as nonsexual in ten or twenty years as I am now.

oh yes its a BIG factor.

if you are in some kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you need to tell this boy the truth. if HE is hoping for a physical relationship that isnt in the cards, its not fair to him to string him along. if he is fine with your lack of desire, then FINE, as long as he knows where he stands.

you may find that when the right man comes along your sexuality will suddenly overwhelm you with desire for him. that you dont have any for this boy probably means he's not "the one" (not that there is only one)

why are you looking for a non-friendship relationship when you have no sexual feelings?

I don't quite understand the difference between 'opposition as' and 'opposition to'. Could you please clarify?
I'll try.

Well.. with family, it's "me against them." This isn't to say that you're somehow working against them or anything, just that you are "you", and they are "them." They are many, and you are one. This builds a relationship whereby you love them, but you still have to be who you are within the group.

When you love someone who is thought of as "a partner," you're looking at a relationship differently. It's a person who is as much an individual as you, yet you want to become one with them. Not talking a sexual "oneness," but a metaphysical one, where you naturally go from thinking in terms of "me" to in terms of "us" in day-to-day things.

Relationship is opposition. Me and you (like friends, or a partner). Me and them (like family or a social group). Me and it (like a favourite thing, or the universe). Love can happen in all these relationships.

oh yes its a BIG factor.

if you are in some kind of boyfriend/girlfriend relationship you need to tell this boy the truth. if HE is hoping for a physical relationship that isnt in the cards, its not fair to him to string him along. if he is fine with your lack of desire, then FINE, as long as he knows where he stands.

you may find that when the right man comes along your sexuality will suddenly overwhelm you with desire for him. that you dont have any for this boy probably means he's not "the one" (not that there is only one)

why are you looking for a non-friendship relationship when you have no sexual feelings?

It's not that sort of relationship. It's something occuring with a girl that I've been friends with for several years. She is aware of my nonsexuality (she actually helped me figure it out), and she has some sort of feelings for me. It's rather complicated.

What I'm looking to find out is if what I feel for her goes beyond friendship, and if it goes beyond just 'like'. Compared to my other friends, she is different. She's the only one I would want to form a relationship with, and the only one that I'd want to kiss or cuddle with, things like that.

And as to wanting a non-friendship relations when I have no sexual feelings... I still get lonely sometimes, and want someone that goes beyond normal friendship, like someone I could curl up with at night.

I'll try.

Well.. with family, it's "me against them." This isn't to say that you're somehow working against them or anything, just that you are "you", and they are "them." They are many, and you are one. This builds a relationship whereby you love them, but you still have to be who you are within the group.

When you love someone who is thought of as "a partner," you're looking at a relationship differently. It's a person who is as much an individual as you, yet you want to become one with them. Not talking a sexual "oneness," but a metaphysical one, where you naturally go from thinking in terms of "me" to in terms of "us" in day-to-day things.

Relationship is opposition. Me and you (like friends, or a partner). Me and them (like family or a social group). Me and it (like a favourite thing, or the universe). Love can happen in all these relationships.

I understand. For the most part.

Romantic love is a physical craving, platonic love is not.

Romantic love is a physical craving, platonic love is not.
And it's not Plutonic! ;) lol

Romantic love is a physical craving, platonic love is not.

By physical craving do you mean sex, or something else?

It's not that sort of relationship. It's something occuring with a girl that I've been friends with for several years. She is aware of my nonsexuality (she actually helped me figure it out), and she has some sort of feelings for me. It's rather complicated.

What I'm looking to find out is if what I feel for her goes beyond friendship, and if it goes beyond just 'like'. Compared to my other friends, she is different. She's the only one I would want to form a relationship with, and the only one that I'd want to kiss or cuddle with, things like that.

And as to wanting a non-friendship relations when I have no sexual feelings... I still get lonely sometimes, and want someone that goes beyond normal friendship, like someone I could curl up with at night.

i wouldnt count on it staying nonsexual. you may just not be used to the idea of being attracted to another girl. if you dont want it to end up "in bed" you shouldnt persue it. if you are OK with a lesbian relationship then, as long as she is OK with how you are, give it a go and see if it develops farther or not.

if SHE wants sex its not fair to her to make her fall for you when you cant give her what she wants.

i wouldnt count on it staying nonsexual. you may just not be used to the idea of being attracted to another girl. if you dont want it to end up "in bed" you shouldnt persue it. if you are OK with a lesbian relationship then, as long as she is OK with how you are, give it a go and see if it develops farther or not.

if SHE wants sex its not fair to her to make her fall for you when you cant give her what she wants.

It's more complicated than that. I have little to no sex drive, and I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone. And it's not that I'm a late bloomer, because I was at least somewhat sexual during puberty. Besides, there are plenty of 'asexual' people out there in there 30's that have been that way for decades.

And that part we're puzzling out. But it's not whether or not I want to be in a relationship that I want to figure out. It's how much I feel for her that I don't know.

It's more complicated than that. I have little to no sex drive, and I don't feel sexual attraction to anyone. And it's not that I'm a late bloomer, because I was at least somewhat sexual during puberty. Besides, there are plenty of 'asexual' people out there in there 30's that have been that way for decades.

And that part we're puzzling out. But it's not whether or not I want to be in a relationship that I want to figure out. It's how much I feel for her that I don't know.
since you dont feel the selfishness of romantic love (sexual love is very possessive) i recommend that you go by how SHE feels about you. try talking to her as honestly as possible, if she wants a sexual relationship you really should break things off with her. if she just wants a close cuddily friendship (and try to make sure she isnt kidding herself) AND if youre OK with it ending up in bed since that very well could happen, then go with it and see what develops.

since you dont feel the selfishness of romantic love (sexual love is very possessive) i recommend that you go by how SHE feels about you. try talking to her as honestly as possible, if she wants a sexual relationship you really should break things off with her. if she just wants a close cuddily friendship (and try to make sure she isnt kidding herself) AND if youre OK with it ending up in bed since that very well could happen, then go with it and see what develops.
I repeat... perhaps you missed the part where it's a Platonic relationship.

Or maybe I should shout.. Platonic relationship!

EDIT: That's not Plutonic ;-)

since you dont feel the selfishness of romantic love (sexual love is very possessive) i recommend that you go by how SHE feels about you. try talking to her as honestly as possible, if she wants a sexual relationship you really should break things off with her. if she just wants a close cuddily friendship (and try to make sure she isnt kidding herself) AND if youre OK with it ending up in bed since that very well could happen, then go with it and see what develops.

That makes sense, I suppose.

Though about being selfish... I tend to be a very jealous person when it comes to ALL my close friends. Not something I like about myself, but I do get jealous and annoyed towards my friends' other friends sometimes. Though that might have more to do with being slightly paranoid... Thankfully, I have enough self control not to be a complete bitch.

since you dont feel the selfishness of romantic love (sexual love is very possessive) i recommend that you go by how SHE feels about you. try talking to her as honestly as possible, if she wants a sexual relationship you really should break things off with her. if she just wants a close cuddily friendship (and try to make sure she isnt kidding herself) AND if youre OK with it ending up in bed since that very well could happen, then go with it and see what develops.
How are these two bolded statements compatible?

How are these two bolded statements compatible?

I would suppose it goes: If she feels she can have a relationship without sex, then yay! If she feels she needs a relationship with sex, then boo.

because if the other girl is "in love" with kiwi then its not fair to her to keep in a relationship that cant go where the girl wants it to go. some one has to be "the adult" and its not likely that the one who is in love can act in her own best interest.

so if the other girls feelings arent compatible with kiwis, then kiwi should end it.

By physical craving do you mean sex, or something else?


Absolute physical proximity, kissing passionately, sex.

because if the other girl is "in love" with kiwi then its not fair to her to keep in a relationship that cant go where the girl wants it to go. some one has to be "the adult" and its not likely that the one who is in love can act in her own best interest.

so if the other girls feelings arent compatible with kiwis, then kiwi should end it.

That's pretty much what we're figuring out now. We were technically 'together' for a bit, then in a fit of insecurity I brought up if she could handle my nonsexuality, and currently we're... something, until she can figure that one out. If not I suppose we'll stay as just friends.