NationStates Jolt Archive

I normally don't post personal things like this on the internet, but today was the worst day of my life. I found out that my girlfriend's parents have arranged a marriage for her. They want her to marry some Korean so he can get citizenship. Also, they want her married to an Asian. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked her, she kept on saying that it was nothing. Finally I got her to tell me, and she says she found out three days ago. She said she can't dissapoint her parents. Her heart isn't in it, and I told her that, but she says that I just don't understand asian culture.

We talked for more than an hour. I told her that I'd marry her to get her out of it, but she said she can't because her parents wouldn't forgive her. I asked her if she loves me, but she would only say "please don't make this harder for me," and she was crying the whole time. She kept on asking me to just forget about her and cut her out of my life, but I told her that I can't, and that if she really wanted me to do that, that she'd hang up on me, but she wouldn't hang up on me-- she kept asking me to hang up. I wish so much I was back in the USA right now. Maybe there would be something I could do if I was there. Now all I can hope for is that she'll change her mind. She just found out three days ago, so maybe she'll change her mind given time. I feel sick.

What should I do?

I may be biased, having come from a Western culture, but here's how I see it: If she loves you, she'll ignore the demands of her parents, and marry you. You two don't need the approval of anyone else to be happy but your own. If marriage for you two is an option, and you want it, go for it. I know traditionally, one must respect one's parents/family as well as respect their traditions, especially in Asian cultures..but..why should you keep to traditions if they make you miserable?

Man, that’s just awful. Beyond words awful. Like you get that weird feeling in your chest awful. :(

I really don't have any advice for you. But I hope it works out. :( Why can't anything ever be easy. You think life is going great and then something like this happens. :( :( :( :(

Best is to just let her do what she thinks is right. Don't cut off contact with her unless she wants you to. Support her all the way. If anything, arranged marriages tend to be loveless and in this modern world, she'll probably want out sooner or later.

I may be biased, having come from a Western culture, but here's how I see it: If she loves you, she'll ignore the demands of her parents, and marry you. You two don't need the approval of anyone else to be happy but your own. If marriage for you two is an option, and you want it, go for it. I know traditionally, one must respect one's parents/family as well as respect their traditions, especially in Asian cultures..but..why should you keep to traditions if they make you miserable?Both of us are Americans, but her parents are from Laos. They don't approve of me because I'm white. I told her that she doesn't have to marry this guy, but she says that she can't dissapoint her family and his family, and that I just don't understand because I'm not Asian.

I'm really sorry to hear that. :( In either the Americas or Europe she might have a wider support network of friends to buffer the loss of her family, but as you're in Japan (I assume), I can understand whence she's coming. It's bullsh*t what her parents are doing to her, especially as they just sprung it on her, but then I have that Western bias as well.

Both of us are Americans, but her parents are from Laos. They don't approve of me because I'm white. I told her that she doesn't have to marry this guy, but she says that she can't dissapoint her family and his family, and that I just don't understand because I'm not Asian.

Me, I'd call them out on being racist, then, and tell them how much I love the woman, whether they like it or not, and would stand by whatever marriage decision she made, so long as she made it with her best interests in mind.

Granted, it's not the best advice, as it'd piss them off to no end, but at least they'd know how I felt. And if they're gonna hate me anyways, it doesn't really matter if they're pissed at me.

She is American, but her parents were born in Laos. She says she can't dissapoint them.

I'd stay out of it if I were you. You don't know nearly enough about the situation in general and her family in particular. Even with the best intentions you might end up doing something damn silly and angering the whole family, her included. My advice - sit tight, keep an eye on things if you must but don't do anything drastic. No worries, it may all turn out for the best.

What should I do?

Pay attention to your own signature and relate that your girl friend needs to do the same as well. Honor (her parents and her culture), Courage, Commitment (to fulfil her values).

Its her choice, and if she feels that it is her duty. Pay attention to your own signature and let her make her choice on the matter.

I am not familar with the particular customs of Laos, but it is my understanding that in India nowadays you are supposed to be engaged to your arranged partner for a while before getting married. If the two do not get along, there is no marriage and a new arrangement made. This could offer her a way out without disappointing her parents too much - if the same customs hold there. After all, the main reason for arranged marriages (the caste system) is not really relevant anymore.

But I am no expert on these customs.. and you will probably not be able to convince the parents that "you know better"...

What should I do?


She has made her decision. All you can do is hope she changes her mind, and if she doesnt then let her go.

I normally don't post personal things like this on the internet, but today was the worst day of my life. I found out that my girlfriend's parents have arranged a marriage for her. They want her to marry some Korean so he can get citizenship. Also, they want her married to an Asian. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked her, she kept on saying that it was nothing. Finally I got her to tell me, and she says she found out three days ago. She said she can't dissapoint her parents. Her heart isn't in it, and I told her that, but she says that I just don't understand asian culture.

We talked for more than an hour. I told her that I'd marry her to get her out of it, but she said she can't because her parents wouldn't forgive her. I asked her if she loves me, but she would only say "please don't make this harder for me," and she was crying the whole time. She kept on asking me to just forget about her and cut her out of my life, but I told her that I can't, and that if she really wanted me to do that, that she'd hang up on me, but she wouldn't hang up on me-- she kept asking me to hang up. I wish so much I was back in the USA right now. Maybe there would be something I could do if I was there. Now all I can hope for is that she'll change her mind. She just found out three days ago, so maybe she'll change her mind given time. I feel sick.

What should I do?
Do nothing. Let her go. You're fighting thousands of years of Asiatic culture. The sooner you can forget her, the better off you'll both be. If you keep calling her, not only will the two of you become even more miserable, you'll get her in trouble with her parents, something that's almost as bad as death in many Asiatic cultures.

That's no comfort, I know, but it's the very best advice I can offer to you.

My family is Asian and we dropped this tradition some time ago.
If this wasn't the case, I'd be married to some Asian girl by now.

that is serious dog crap in even my small mindedness

some of these traditions got too far. They break human rights for god sake

I normally don't post personal things like this on the internet, but today was the worst day of my life. I found out that my girlfriend's parents have arranged a marriage for her. They want her to marry some Korean so he can get citizenship. Also, they want her married to an Asian. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked her, she kept on saying that it was nothing. Finally I got her to tell me, and she says she found out three days ago. She said she can't dissapoint her parents. Her heart isn't in it, and I told her that, but she says that I just don't understand asian culture.

We talked for more than an hour. I told her that I'd marry her to get her out of it, but she said she can't because her parents wouldn't forgive her. I asked her if she loves me, but she would only say "please don't make this harder for me," and she was crying the whole time. She kept on asking me to just forget about her and cut her out of my life, but I told her that I can't, and that if she really wanted me to do that, that she'd hang up on me, but she wouldn't hang up on me-- she kept asking me to hang up. I wish so much I was back in the USA right now. Maybe there would be something I could do if I was there. Now all I can hope for is that she'll change her mind. She just found out three days ago, so maybe she'll change her mind given time. I feel sick.

What should I do?
You want an honest response?

To hell with her. If she doesn't have the backbone to stand up for and pursue what she wants to do with her life, then she isn't worth the time. If she's just going to bend over backwards to her parent's inconsiderate, irrational, fucking bullshit demands on her life, than she deserves what she gets: a sham of a marriage.

Oh man... that's... Well. Damn.

What a position to be in! No matter what she does here she'll end up disappointing or hurting somebody... if she puts her love for you first, she risks losing her family; if she puts her family first, she hurts and loses you...

Man... if I were in your shoes?--give her space but let her know you support & love her, and understand her decision whatever it might be. Be present without pressuring. I'd also be tempted to humbly ask her parents to consider what they're doing to their daughter and why--but that's a risky move--but that's a risky move. Interference might complicate things further for her, and her parents probably feel they're doing what's best for her... oh man...

All I can say is be there for her, trust her, and trust yourself...
I wish I had something more useful to offer.

You don't know me, but my thoughts will be with you both. I wish you luck.

My solution would be a blood-soaked shotgun rampage, but then again, that's my answer to just about everything. :(

I'm going to give her a few weeks before I call her again. She just found out about this arranged marriage three days ago, so maybe if I give her some time she'll change her mind.

Id say forget about heryou cant force your beliefs on her world.
Find someone more similar to yourself.

I normally don't post personal things like this on the internet, but today was the worst day of my life. I found out that my girlfriend's parents have arranged a marriage for her. They want her to marry some Korean so he can get citizenship. Also, they want her married to an Asian. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked her, she kept on saying that it was nothing. Finally I got her to tell me, and she says she found out three days ago. She said she can't dissapoint her parents. Her heart isn't in it, and I told her that, but she says that I just don't understand asian culture.

We talked for more than an hour. I told her that I'd marry her to get her out of it, but she said she can't because her parents wouldn't forgive her. I asked her if she loves me, but she would only say "please don't make this harder for me," and she was crying the whole time. She kept on asking me to just forget about her and cut her out of my life, but I told her that I can't, and that if she really wanted me to do that, that she'd hang up on me, but she wouldn't hang up on me-- she kept asking me to hang up. I wish so much I was back in the USA right now. Maybe there would be something I could do if I was there. Now all I can hope for is that she'll change her mind. She just found out three days ago, so maybe she'll change her mind given time. I feel sick.

What should I do?


Say good bye, go out, get hammered. Drink until you can't lift the glass. have a good friend stay straight and drive you home.
Grieve.
Mourn.
Repeat for a week.

At the end of hte week, when you've just about hit your lowest, reject suicide, get cleaned up. Go to work/school/whatever.

Move on with your life. She's already made her decision, she just informed you a bit late. She doesn't love you, man. She might say she does, but she doesn't. Sooner or later, her 'cultural imperatives' would take front-seat and you'd be screwed anyway even if not for this 'arranged marraige' excuse.

It sucks to be dumped, but you've been boxed, hauled, and dumped. It's going to hurt for a while, depending on how much you invested in the relationship, it could hurt you for years. (Speaking from bitter experience here...eight years before I tried again.)

When you've finished crying at night, thank whatever god or gods you venerate that she didn't marry you first-because then, when she dumped you, she'd have half your paycheck or more (if kids were involved) in perpetuity.

You want an honest response?

To hell with her. If she doesn't have the backbone to stand up for and pursue what she wants to do with her life, then she isn't worth the time. If she's just going to bend over backwards to her parent's inconsiderate, irrational, fucking bullshit demands on her life, than she deserves what she gets: a sham of a marriage.


Thats harsh.

While I may agree you, thats becuase were likely both from the western world.
Hundreds of years of tradition isnt an easy thing to walk away from, especially when its your family you'd also be walking away from as well.

If someone asked you to choose between them, and your culture, your family, and your ancestry, I highly doubt you'd be so flippant then.

To the original poster:

If you love this girl, let her go.
By clinging to her, you will be cuasing someone you love a ton of pain.

I normally don't post personal things like this on the internet, but today was the worst day of my life. I found out that my girlfriend's parents have arranged a marriage for her. They want her to marry some Korean so he can get citizenship. Also, they want her married to an Asian. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked her, she kept on saying that it was nothing. Finally I got her to tell me, and she says she found out three days ago. She said she can't dissapoint her parents. Her heart isn't in it, and I told her that, but she says that I just don't understand asian culture.

We talked for more than an hour. I told her that I'd marry her to get her out of it, but she said she can't because her parents wouldn't forgive her. I asked her if she loves me, but she would only say "please don't make this harder for me," and she was crying the whole time. She kept on asking me to just forget about her and cut her out of my life, but I told her that I can't, and that if she really wanted me to do that, that she'd hang up on me, but she wouldn't hang up on me-- she kept asking me to hang up. I wish so much I was back in the USA right now. Maybe there would be something I could do if I was there. Now all I can hope for is that she'll change her mind. She just found out three days ago, so maybe she'll change her mind given time. I feel sick.

What should I do?

Dude, I haven't been exactly there, but I've run into the prejudice of J parents before. One case was somewhat similar - she ended up marrying her former J fiance due to her parents pressure nothing direct, but stuff like wouldn't you be happier with a J guy?

I may have some really helpful advice, but I need a bit more info. How loing have you guy been going out? Has she been to the US? Have you met the folks? Has she met yours?

edit: sorry, I missed some details that you'd posted. For Laotians, I don't know. But if you've been going out for a long time (over a year) keep in contact. If not let her go.

Dude, I haven't been exactly there, but I've run into the prejudice of J parents before. One case was somewhat similar - she ended up marrying her former J fiance due to her parents pressure nothing direct, but stuff like wouldn't you be happier with a J guy?

I may have some really helpful advice, but I need a bit more info. How loing have you guy been going out? Has she been to the US? Have you met the folks? Has she met yours?

edit: sorry, I missed some details that you'd posted. For Laotians, I don't know. But if you've been going out for a long time (over a year) keep in contact. If not let her go.I intend to keep in contact. I can't just give up, when I've known her for two years. Just from talking to her, I know that in her heart she doesn't want to marry him. She even told me that it's an obligation to her family. I want her to be happy, and I know she won't be happy marrying someone because she feels like she has to.

I intend to keep in contact. I can't just give up, when I've known her for two years. Just from talking to her, I know that in her heart she doesn't want to marry him. She even told me that it's an obligation to her family. I want her to be happy, and I know she won't be happy marrying someone because she feels like she has to.


If you press this, you will drive a permanent wedge between her and her family.
If you love her, dont make her make that choice.

Let her go.

I intend to keep in contact. I can't just give up, when I've known her for two years. Just from talking to her, I know that in her heart she doesn't want to marry him. She even told me that it's an obligation to her family. I want her to be happy, and I know she won't be happy marrying someone because she feels like she has to.

Seriously Ryanania, let her go, and let her go all the way. There's nothing says you have to go through the funzies of having your heart ripped out over-and-over-and-over again watching someone you love with someone they don't (or, you think thye don't).
It's heap-bad-shit for the peace-of-mind, and "Keeping in Contact" can turn into "Stalking and getting Creepy" before you ever notice it. Break it clean before you become someone you wouldn't recognize.

THERE WILL BE SOMEONE ELSE. but not if you don't let go before you get 'strange'. (odds say, it will happen if you don't let it go...completely.)
it takes time for the heart to heal, and really it never does-but if you pick at the scar-tissue, you'll only make an infection, and that's a sure sign of "Stay the fuck away" for most of the kind of gal you want to share your life with.

[aside note: Squatches??? What are we doing agreeing on this? Almost the same advice, from different sides... this isn't normal, dude...should I be giving him tips on stalking her, to restore the karmic balance of the universe?]

I intend to keep in contact. I can't just give up, when I've known her for two years. Just from talking to her, I know that in her heart she doesn't want to marry him. She even told me that it's an obligation to her family. I want her to be happy, and I know she won't be happy marrying someone because she feels like she has to.

I'm leaning towards let her make up her own mind. The cases I know where "she" hasn't have been very hard. If she loves you enough to fo against her family, she'll tell you. (Most cases I know where that's happened are not too happy - consider that her family will probably disown her and cut off contact - forever.)

as someone said earlier, dont most arranged marriages fail anyway? if so, keep in contact and bide your time.

as someone said earlier, dont most arranged marriages fail anyway? if so, keep in contact and bide your time.
And in the mean time she'll get abused.

Ouch :( , best wishes for you... i have no idea what to do, not really knowing much about these situations but i'll pray for you both :fluffle:

Elope to Australia.

And in the mean time she'll get abused.

well if you think this will happen, you should stop it now. if her parents dont agree with you in those circumstances then they arent worth worrying about.

well if you think this will happen, you should stop it now. if her parents dont agree with you in those circumstances then they arent worth worrying about.

Something I learned the hard way a long time ago-you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. Most Police officers who are injured or killed in the line of duty are hurt/killed trying to break up a domestic dispute (Marital abuse situation). They're professionals, they are trained to deal with these situations. I don't expect Ryanania is. It's just like trying to clean up a junkie-until the victim is ready to admit she has a problem, she's not going to be able to be rescued-it just won't work.

Admittedly, killing the guy who's doing the abusing might-provided she never finds out, and the Police don't investigate-but that's beyond a long-shot in today's society, and there aren't many handy alligators to feed the body to in most of the country. It's heap-difficult for a non-scumbag to 'disappear' someone completely enough to be an effective solution.

I normally don't post personal things like this on the internet, but today was the worst day of my life. I found out that my girlfriend's parents have arranged a marriage for her. They want her to marry some Korean so he can get citizenship. Also, they want her married to an Asian. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked her, she kept on saying that it was nothing. Finally I got her to tell me, and she says she found out three days ago. She said she can't dissapoint her parents. Her heart isn't in it, and I told her that, but she says that I just don't understand asian culture.

We talked for more than an hour. I told her that I'd marry her to get her out of it, but she said she can't because her parents wouldn't forgive her. I asked her if she loves me, but she would only say "please don't make this harder for me," and she was crying the whole time. She kept on asking me to just forget about her and cut her out of my life, but I told her that I can't, and that if she really wanted me to do that, that she'd hang up on me, but she wouldn't hang up on me-- she kept asking me to hang up. I wish so much I was back in the USA right now. Maybe there would be something I could do if I was there. Now all I can hope for is that she'll change her mind. She just found out three days ago, so maybe she'll change her mind given time. I feel sick.

What should I do?

Have you talked to her parents about this?

I normally don't post personal things like this on the internet, but today was the worst day of my life. I found out that my girlfriend's parents have arranged a marriage for her. They want her to marry some Korean so he can get citizenship. Also, they want her married to an Asian. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked her, she kept on saying that it was nothing. Finally I got her to tell me, and she says she found out three days ago. She said she can't dissapoint her parents. Her heart isn't in it, and I told her that, but she says that I just don't understand asian culture.

We talked for more than an hour. I told her that I'd marry her to get her out of it, but she said she can't because her parents wouldn't forgive her. I asked her if she loves me, but she would only say "please don't make this harder for me," and she was crying the whole time. She kept on asking me to just forget about her and cut her out of my life, but I told her that I can't, and that if she really wanted me to do that, that she'd hang up on me, but she wouldn't hang up on me-- she kept asking me to hang up. I wish so much I was back in the USA right now. Maybe there would be something I could do if I was there. Now all I can hope for is that she'll change her mind. She just found out three days ago, so maybe she'll change her mind given time. I feel sick.

What should I do?

Fight for her! Ring up her parents, talk them around, ring up the Korean guy, do everything.

You have nothing to lose. If you lose, start again. If you win, is it the girl of your dreams?

Fight for her! Ring up her parents, talk them around, ring up the Korean guy, do everything.

You have nothing to lose. If you lose, start again. If you win, is it the girl of your dreams?

I agree. Fight for her! So what if she lets down her parents. This is her LIFE you're talking about. She can't just marry someone and be miserable all her life. This may go against her culture, disappointing the family, etc., but I would rather have my family disown me and be with the man I love rather than be miserable my entire life.

You HAVE to stop this and get her back!!!!

Good luck!

Oh shit! I didn't see the abused part! She's got to get out of there! Go get her and take off if you have to. No one should have to live the rest of their lives miserable. And NO ONE has the right to abuse another.

This situation makes me sick too. And very angry that her parents would do such a thing to her. :mad:

STOP IT ANY WAY YOU CAN!! You know she doesn't want to marry this guy, whether she accepts it or not. This has to be stopped before it's too late.

Best of luck!! :fluffle:

Thats harsh.

While I may agree you, thats becuase were likely both from the western world.
Hundreds of years of tradition isnt an easy thing to walk away from, especially when its your family you'd also be walking away from as well.

If someone asked you to choose between them, and your culture, your family, and your ancestry, I highly doubt you'd be so flippant then.

To the original poster:

If you love this girl, let her go.
By clinging to her, you will be cuasing someone you love a ton of pain.


That's an entirely valid point as well... Why doesn't she just say "no way"?!

I would be so flippant if someone were to make me choose between EVERYTHING or my husband. It would be my husband.

I suppose women over there aren't used to standing up for themselves. No offense to the culture, but it pisses me off.

If there is a way to get her to stop this, DO IT! Fight for her! If she DOES marry this guy, then you should cut off all contact.

So, I guess my advice is both: Fight for her as best you can. If she does marry this guy, break off all ties and contact with her, and move on. But I say don't go down without a fight!

I'm not giving up yet. There's at least a year left before she gets married, so she has a lot of time to think about it. She only found out three days ago, and I only found out today.

as someone said earlier, dont most arranged marriages fail anyway? if so, keep in contact and bide your time.

Unfortunately, you heard wrong. They have a much higher success rate (as measured by divorce) than marriages out of "love". He needs to forget about her, its over.

Unfortunately, you heard wrong. They have a much higher success rate (as measured by divorce) than marriages out of "love". He needs to forget about her, its over.

fair enough, but maybe this is down to the problems ryananias girlfreind is having, that of loyalty to her family?

i think that if you (ryanania) know that this is wrong, it would be wrong to let it go ahead. at least try, dont forget about her, its not over.

Unfortunately, you heard wrong. They have a much higher success rate (as measured by divorce) than marriages out of "love". He needs to forget about her, its over.
Sad but true.

But don't dispair just yet. There's numerous organizations who deal with arranged marriages. Get their help. But have a good long chat with them about the wisdom of telling her about it before you do.

Also, the guy she's supposed to marry might not like it any better than she does. If that's the case, you all might be able to get what you want without sword blows. Be prepared to think outside the box and compromise.

No matter what, if the girl is truely the love of your life, you have to fight for her. Otherwise you'll probably spend the rest of your days being thoroughly miserable - And likely she will too.

All the best wishes from me.

The guy wants citizenship (and probably a pretty wife, too), and he's in Korea, so I doubt I can negotiate with him. All I can do is try to convince her not to do this.

im a little confused.

are you all living in japan? who is and who isnt?

youre "white"; she is laotian american; her parents are laotian born; HE is korean?

they want her to marry a korean so he can get citizenship? where the fuck did they find this guy? is he a friend of the family or are they pimping their daugher? has she even met him?

i dont think you should give up on her. if the answers to the last set of questions are bad, you need to help her no matter if she will marry you or not. her parents are forcing her to break the law. it can be a pretty serious offense if she goes through with it. it is at least degrading and humiliating to be forced to marry a man who has been chosen not for his good husband potential but because he needs a green card.

i would spend as much time with her as you possibly can. make most of it "no pressure" time. she is in a really bad spot. its not just a matter of not being with YOU (im sure that is breaking her heart) but of serious moral and legal reprocussions. she has to have a space where she can think of what is right and what she can do about it all. she is going to need someone to talk to who is not pressing her all the time.

dont give up on her until she actually marries him. as it gets closer and closer she will have more and more desire to get the hell out of it. she may not be able to do it until she is "walking down the aisle". make sure she knows that if she walks out of the wedding on the wedding day you will be there to help her start a new life. dont press her about marrying you. she knows you are willing but she may not be able to make that kind of decision in the middle of her crisis. let her know that you will be willing to just help her set up her own life independant of her family without getting married if that is her preference.

good luck to you and to her.

When something as huge as this pushes your life off its track, the only thing you can do for a while is endure. Go through the motions of your ordinary life. You're hurting -- or maybe you're just numb. Either way, you're in shock. You can't really expect yourself to think straight right now. Give yourself time to absorb what's happened.

I don't know how much time it will take. Maybe a few days, maybe a bit longer; just live with the situation until you've accepted that it's real. It won't go away. There's no way to turn back time to when everything was fine.

When you've absorbed that, then you can begin thinking about what you should do. As to what that action should be, that's up to you. The only guidance I can offer is: do nothing that would make you cringe inside when you think about it next year (because next year does come, and people do survive).

Why should he give her up?

Love is an incredibly strong feeling and one of the best natural feelings that can pump through our blood. To deny it is dumb.

This girl needs her priorities set straight; she needs a good dose of reality.

Ryanania... imagine being a Russian woman. There are cases of the same thing. They'll try anything to marry a western man to get a western citizenship.

Her parents have a shallow reason on their side; this guy sounds like an incredible asshole. Geez, I know some real asssholes, but this asshole out-douches them all. He's in it for a citizenship? That is so lame! Tell her he can find a stupid American or Canadian woman to take him in! :D

You shouldn't give up just yet. 2 years is a damn long time. You need to try one more romantic gesture; something she doesn't expect that'll show her that cultural customs mean jackshit in the face of love.

When all else fails... you need Ellie (http://www.thestar.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestar/Render&c=Page&cid=991479973472&ce=Columnist&colid=969907622796)!

She's got archived advice and you can write in. ;)

Ask yourself this:

Would I ditch tradition and my family for this girl?

If yes, ask yourself this:

Why won't she?

im a little confused.

are you all living in japan? who is and who isnt?

youre "white"; she is laotian american; her parents are laotian born; HE is korean?

they want her to marry a korean so he can get citizenship? where the fuck did they find this guy? is he a friend of the family or are they pimping their daugher? has she even met him?

i dont think you should give up on her. if the answers to the last set of questions are bad, you need to help her no matter if she will marry you or not. her parents are forcing her to break the law. it can be a pretty serious offense if she goes through with it. it is at least degrading and humiliating to be forced to marry a man who has been chosen not for his good husband potential but because he needs a green card.

i would spend as much time with her as you possibly can. make most of it "no pressure" time. she is in a really bad spot. its not just a matter of not being with YOU (im sure that is breaking her heart) but of serious moral and legal reprocussions. she has to have a space where she can think of what is right and what she can do about it all. she is going to need someone to talk to who is not pressing her all the time.

dont give up on her until she actually marries him. as it gets closer and closer she will have more and more desire to get the hell out of it. she may not be able to do it until she is "walking down the aisle". make sure she knows that if she walks out of the wedding on the wedding day you will be there to help her start a new life. dont press her about marrying you. she knows you are willing but she may not be able to make that kind of decision in the middle of her crisis. let her know that you will be willing to just help her set up her own life independant of her family without getting married if that is her preference.

good luck to you and to her.Unfortunately the Navy has sent me to Japan, so all I can do is call her. I know she doesn't want to do this. I asked her if she really wanted to do this in her heart, and she wouldn't answer me. She just kept saying that she can't dissapoint her parents, and his parents, and him. I asked her if she loves me, and she said "please don't make this harder for me." She was crying through the whole conversation.

I aggree with The Similized world. Don't give up yet, or you'll always wonder what could have been. You probably should speak to her parents. Let them know that you respect their culture, but tell them how much you care about her. If you truly want to marry her, you may want to ask their permission to propose to her. There is, of course, a chance that they won't listen... but its a chance, I think you should take. Eastern cultures are founded upon honor and respect, show her parents that you posess such qualities...

I aggree with The Similized world. Don't give up yet, or you'll always wonder what could have been. You probably should speak to her parents. Let them know that you respect their culture, but tell them how much you care about her. If you truly want to marry her, you may want to ask their permission to propose to her. There is, of course, a chance that they won't listen... but its a chance, I think you should take. Eastern cultures are founded upon honor and respect, show her parents that you posess such qualities...
It's worth a try, but I don't think they'll be too happy about the fact that I'm white.

You may be surprised... at the very least, at least she'll see that you respect her parents and her culture... Plus she'll know that you love her enough to fight for her. That alone could be enough to change everything.

You may be surprised... at the very least, at least she'll see that you respect her parents and her culture...
That's true. IF they can see it, they may not frown upon you as much for being white. No one chooses their ethnicity, afterall.

so this guy is a friend of the family who they have all met?

Do you guys live in the States? It would probably mean never speaking to her parents again, but she can tell them to fuck off, because here you can marry whomever! My wife and I had a similar situation with her old roommate, a really sweet, intelligent girl who was marrying a Korean guy that was a little asshole. She was suppossed to buy his mom a sable coat (she did), pay for thier new house (she did), but she drew the line at buying a new home for his parents. he was a dick, so it was good when she and her mother decided to call the whole thing off. Best of luck to you!

how old is she and how far is she in her education?

how old is she and how far is she in her education?She's 17. A senior in high school.

well, all of my immediate solutions involved killing either the korean dude or the parents, but after thinking about it, I think the best thing to do would be to either bide your time, or try to convince her parents that they are cockbites(or atleast wrong)... alternatively, run away and marry her in Las Vegas immediatly, catch the next flight home from Japan.

EDIT: so the only really usable idea is to wait around, which you will lose regardless, or you can talk to her parents, buy them a porche, and hope to win them over...

Thats harsh.

While I may agree you, thats becuase were likely both from the western world.
Hundreds of years of tradition isnt an easy thing to walk away from, especially when its your family you'd also be walking away from as well.

If someone asked you to choose between them, and your culture, your family, and your ancestry, I highly doubt you'd be so flippant then.

To the original poster:

If you love this girl, let her go.
By clinging to her, you will be cuasing someone you love a ton of pain.
Good advice, man. Good advice.

Sometimes life sucks and there's no way out but through. This seems to be one of those times. :(

Man, I feel for you. I have been in this position - so I know how it feels. My ex was lucky, the man she married was a decent human being who was as unhappy as she was to be forced into marriage, and he didn't press her for more than she could give - ever.

The whole thing sucks and blows, and let's face it ought to simply be illegal, but you aren't going to change such cultural values overnight. The conversation I had went something along the lines of "xxx, you are a good man and have always shown my daughter respect and will always be welcome in my house, but you cannot continue to see her because, blah, blah, blah". Her dad gave us one more day and then that was that. Your lass has had to make a choice - you or her family - and I don't envy her that choice one little bit - but Son, let's be honest, it seems that she has chosen "family".

By all means go see her folks - after all, you have nothing to lose - say your piece and then listen calmly to theirs. If you are turned down flat (very probable) then thank them for your time together, thank her for that time, leave with dignity, and allow her family - and her - theirs. Then go follow Cadillac-Gage's advice - a similar plan of action worked for me.

Whatever, I wish the both of you the best of luck in where life takes you from here.

By all means go see her folks - after all, you have nothing to lose - say your piece and then listen calmly to theirs. If you are turned down flat (very probable) then thank them for your time together, thank her for that time, leave with dignity, and allow her family - and her - theirs. Then go follow Cadillac-Gage's advice - a similar plan of action worked for me.

Exactly what i was trying to say, except also buy them a sports car, or a house....

She's 17. A senior in high school.
oh lord, she is in a bad spot.

ok ok

this requires a conspiracy

she needs to seem to agree with her parents while postponing the wedding as long as possible. any and all excuses that the 2 of you can come up with

the first one must be that "americans have at least a one year engagment". no quicky wedding for her. she must insist on the full thing. even if its a laotian style wedding, it requires a year of planning.

perhaps she can postpone even that with a plan to go to some kind of training for a year.... after all, to be a good american wife she will need a good job too. how will she support her parents in their old age if she isnt making good money?

in any case, she needs to "agree" while throwing as many roadblocks into the plan as she can. over time, this guy might show himself to be a very bad potential son-in-law and the parents will change THEIR minds about him. if not, the older she is when the crunch comes and she has to refuse the marriage, the stronger she will be. 17 is too young to marry anyone.

spend as much time on the phone with her as you can. give her hope. the 2 of you can find a way out of it. dont press her to break with her parents now. just conspire.

This is sounding more and more screwed up. She's 17? And you've been going out for 2 years? And is she here in Japan or back in the US? From the OP you implied she was here, but he's in Korea, you're in Japan, and it sounds like she's back in the states from your recent posts.

Sorry, but frankly it sounds like you need to get yourself straightened out first.

My advice based on what you've said now is to drop the whole situation and get out now.

Standing on the outside, I can tell you it doesn't really matter what you do. You and her lose in all situations.

If I were you? The same thing as you. I'd give her a little time to think (though I wouldn't just drop contact without explanation), and then I'd fight for her. Losing all contact with someone you love is an almost unbearable feeling.

If it were me, I'd have a talk with her parents and ask them to: 1) consider her feelings; 2) realise that they're not in the West and that arranged marriages are a no-no here; and 3) I'd tell them I don't appreciate their going behind your (and her) back the way they've done.

And about not understanding Western culture? Maybe they're right about that, but they also don't understand American culture. Seems like there's a huge cultural divide going on. If I didn't realise that pre-arranged marriages were a part of Asian culture, I might have said something like, "why don't you just tell her to tell her parents, 'no?'" However, I think you and she need to have a long talk with her parents.

the part that i find suspicious is that they are forcing her to marry a KOREAN.

why would a laotian pimp his daughter to help out a korean? there is something very wrong there.

My solution would be a blood-soaked shotgun rampage, but then again, that's my answer to just about everything.

For once, I almost agree with you. I would be quite pissed off in this sort of situation. I don't know if I would actually kill anyone, though.

hey i think that if she really wanted too she could be with you, after all she has a choice and it looks to me like she has made that choice. Face it she does no want to be with you, she must think that you are some kind of loser not that i am saying that you are, but i am just saying what she thinks.

shes probably known for ages and is just telling you that its hard for her when its really not.

You have to get a life and reakise that she dont want to be with you, She's probably laughing at you right now ha ha

What should I do?
I'm sorry to hear about that. That's really bad. However I can't offer advice. I don't know anything.

Your best bet would be to:
1. Follow Ashmoria's advice
2. Find out why the hell she's marrying a korean if her parents are from Laos. There's something that just doesn't mesh there, Korea doesn't even border Laos. The first thing you need to find out is just how they found this guy, and what he's offering.

hey i think that if she really wanted too she could be with you, after all she has a choice and it looks to me like she has made that choice. Face it she does no want to be with you, she must think that you are some kind of loser not that i am saying that you are, but i am just saying what she thinks.

shes probably known for ages and is just telling you that its hard for her when its really not.

You have to get a life and reakise that she dont want to be with you, She's probably laughing at you right now ha haMOD ALERT (does anyone remember those? :p )

Your best bet would be to:
1. Follow Ashmoria's advice
2. Find out why the hell she's marrying a korean if her parents are from Laos. There's something that just doesn't mesh there, Korea doesn't even border Laos. The first thing you need to find out is just how they found this guy, and what he's offering.Apparently, her parents know his parents, and they have been considering marrying her off to him since she was a little kid.
*snip*You created that nation just to post flamebait. I don't think I'm the loser here.

MOD ALERT (does anyone remember those? :p )

I do. We haven't had those working in a long time. :)

In a more general note..

After reading the first post, I can only conclude with that time-honored internet tradition of exclaiming...WTF, dude?

Have you looked for any organizations that deal with the specific problem of arranged marriages that you could contact?

Have you looked for any organizations that deal with the specific problem of arranged marriages that you could contact?The problem is, she would just hate me if I ratted her parents out. Besides, she'd probably say that she wants to do it, in order to keep her parents out of trouble.

Which is why your first priority should be to get in touch with such an organization. You don't have to tell her about it or involve her family in any way. Not all organizations demand you rat someone out.

But you need to get in touch with some people who have experience with this kind of thing. Preferably right now.

Anyways, best of luck to the both of you. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Not sure about the law in your country, but in New Zealand it is considered fraud if marriage is done for citizenship.

its illegal here too and plenty of people go to prison every year for just this kind of offence.

How long has this girl been in America? I can't imagine a girl who was raised in a western culture resolving herself to the fate in only three days.

This story is very, very fishy.

How long has this girl been in America? I can't imagine a girl who was raised in a western culture resolving herself to the fate in only three days.

Don’t jump to conclusions. Her parents are apparently Korean. You would be surprised at how much the household one is raised in can effect them even in Western culture.

Apparently, her parents know his parents, and they have been considering marrying her off to him since she was a little kid.
Hmmm. Ask her if she would ever force this same decision on a child of her own. If her answer is yes, you're screwed. If her answer is no, ask her why she must then comply with her parent's demands. If her parents truly cared about her as a human being and as an individual, then they would not force her to do this. They might try to set the two up, but they would by no means use her in such a cheap and crass way. Humans are not part of some hive mind and should not be treated as such.

Unfortunately the Navy has sent me to Japan, so all I can do is call her. I know she doesn't want to do this. I asked her if she really wanted to do this in her heart, and she wouldn't answer me. She just kept saying that she can't dissapoint her parents, and his parents, and him. I asked her if she loves me, and she said "please don't make this harder for me." She was crying through the whole conversation.


Leave her be.

You only really have one option mate, and its fairly simpl, decent, yet a harder thing to do than it is to say. 'Live and Let Live'. Ultimately, you need to present her with a question and that is, 'What do you care more about, the approval of your family over what they want for you, or a future with me?'. And dont let her make an excuse not to answer the bloody question, you have to tell her to get a backbone and make a proper desision. Tell her that at this time, based on her answer is what her future will be. Tell her that if she chooses the family's approval that she will never hear of you again. And if she chooses you then you will support her through the time when she feels shamed by her family. And do what you tell her you will do.

The great news, is that either way you are getting the better deal. Why? Because if she chooses her family over you, then you dont want a chick who cares more about others over her possible future husband. You dont want someone who cares about something as silly as approval from a bunch of people who call themselves family, verses a lifetime of fruitful relationship with the guy she (apparently) loves. Instead, you would rather someone who would literally FIGHT for your relationship, you want someone who will put YOU first above all else, and the good news is that if she chooses you over family, then you have gained these things.

It might seem harsh for me to say that shes not worth it if she chooses her family over you, but in all honesty thats the way it is. Either desision she makes, it shows the extent of her love for you unfortunately, and her desirablilty toward a lifetime relationship with you. In conclusion, if she chooses you then you have gained a relationship with a loving girlfriend / possible wife. And if she chooses family, then you have at least gained the knowledge of her priorities BEFORE you made that fatal mistake of marrying her. You want a chick with great priorities, and if this one doesnt I am truly sorry, but there are plenty of more fish in the sea. And the outcome I forsee if she chooses family - goes something like this. Girl chooses family --> Guy mourns loss of relationship --> Guy realises has to move forward and look to the future --> Guy meets another girl -- Relationship develops, this time with a girl with better priorities --> Guy and Girl 2 in Love --> Guy marries Girl 2.

Either way, you benefit, so its up to you to stop crying unfair, and give her the question, 'What do you care more about, the approval of your family over what they want for you, or a future with me?'

Not to sound negative or anything, but you've known her since she was 15 then? (age of consent in the UCMJ is 16 isnt it?) I don't think she is experienced enough to really know what she wants yet. She's still young so you should probably give her time to mature and think about what she wants to do.

The idea of making a gesture to the parents is a good thought. Just eloping would only solidfy Caucasian stereotypes in the minds of her parents. Stereotypes are hard to break (as evident by many of the posts in this thread) but just making the effort to show her parents that you care not only about her but for her culture too is a start.

Step back and give her space but don't just totally give up. Let her know that no matter what, you will always be there for her.

You only really have one option mate, and its fairly simpl, decent, yet a harder thing to do than it is to say. 'Live and Let Live'. Ultimately, you need to present her with a question and that is, 'What do you care more about, the approval of your family over what they want for you, or a future with me?'. And dont let her make an excuse not to answer the bloody question, you have to tell her to get a backbone and make a proper desision. Tell her that at this time, based on her answer is what her future will be. Tell her that if she chooses the family's approval that she will never hear of you again. And if she chooses you then you will support her through the time when she feels shamed by her family. And do what you tell her you will do.

The great news, is that either way you are getting the better deal. Why? Because if she chooses her family over you, then you dont want a chick who cares more about others over her possible future husband. You dont want someone who cares about something as silly as approval from a bunch of people who call themselves family, verses a lifetime of fruitful relationship with the guy she (apparently) loves. Instead, you would rather someone who would literally FIGHT for your relationship, you want someone who will put YOU first above all else, and the good news is that if she chooses you over family, then you have gained these things.

It might seem harsh for me to say that shes not worth it if she chooses her family over you, but in all honesty thats the way it is. Either desision she makes, it shows the extent of her love for you unfortunately, and her desirablilty toward a lifetime relationship with you. In conclusion, if she chooses you then you have gained a relationship with a loving girlfriend / possible wife. And if she chooses family, then you have at least gained the knowledge of her priorities BEFORE you made that fatal mistake of marrying her. You want a chick with great priorities, and if this one doesnt I am truly sorry, but there are plenty of more fish in the sea. And the outcome I forsee if she chooses family - goes something like this. Girl chooses family --> Guy mourns loss of relationship --> Guy realises has to move forward and look to the future --> Guy meets another girl -- Relationship develops, this time with a girl with better priorities --> Guy and Girl 2 in Love --> Guy marries Girl 2.

Either way, you benefit, so its up to you to stop crying unfair, and give her the question, 'What do you care more about, the approval of your family over what they want for you, or a future with me?'Thank you. I think thats the best advice yet.

Not to sound negative or anything, but you've known her since she was 15 then? (age of consent in the UCMJ is 16 isnt it?) I don't think she is experienced enough to really know what she wants yet. She's still young so you should probably give her time to mature and think about what she wants to do.She's 17 and I'm 19.

I normally don't post personal things like this on the internet, but today was the worst day of my life. I found out that my girlfriend's parents have arranged a marriage for her. They want her to marry some Korean so he can get citizenship. Also, they want her married to an Asian. I could tell something was wrong, but when I asked her, she kept on saying that it was nothing. Finally I got her to tell me, and she says she found out three days ago. She said she can't dissapoint her parents. Her heart isn't in it, and I told her that, but she says that I just don't understand asian culture.

We talked for more than an hour. I told her that I'd marry her to get her out of it, but she said she can't because her parents wouldn't forgive her. I asked her if she loves me, but she would only say "please don't make this harder for me," and she was crying the whole time. She kept on asking me to just forget about her and cut her out of my life, but I told her that I can't, and that if she really wanted me to do that, that she'd hang up on me, but she wouldn't hang up on me-- she kept asking me to hang up. I wish so much I was back in the USA right now. Maybe there would be something I could do if I was there. Now all I can hope for is that she'll change her mind. She just found out three days ago, so maybe she'll change her mind given time. I feel sick.

What should I do?

Make a stand
Your right are yours. No one can deny you them.
If you two want to get married go for it....her parents would have to come round in time.....would they want their daughter to be miserable with some guy or happy with you?

I meant to reply to this topic, earlier, but I didn't have the time to read everything and post a proper reply. As it turns out, though, "Austar Union" managed to express precisely what I also had on my mind; I agree with his advice. Ask her directly what is more important to her.

--The Democratic States of Cogitation

"The course of true love never did run smooth."

-A Midsummer Night's Dream (I, i, 134)

Now I'm not generally a very sympathetic person ('As if we haven't noticed,' says someone from the side;)) but this is really an awful thing to happen, and I'd follow everyone else's advice. It seems like anything I say will just be repeating what someone else has already said, so I won't say very much more.

~Czardas, Supreme Ruler of the Universe

I think I would say that Austar Union has given the best advice in this thread so far...its one of lifes lessons, a damned nasty one, but you gotta learn from it i'm afraid.

A korean friend of mine has had a marraige arranged for him by his parents. It's actually the second one, since the first one fell though. The girl joined the military and his parents had fits. He said it was a shame because he'd atually grown quite fond of her during their exchange of letters.
His biggest problem, from my point of view, is that he's gay. Not from his. He just wants a wife that will turn a blind eye to it.

The decision is up to her. Don't stay out of it completely, or else she'll wind up being pressured into it and she'll be miserable for the rest of her life. I've heard of instances in which girls placed in arranged marriages wound up committing suicide. If you truly love her, you won't turn a blind eye. Tell her that she does NOT have to answer to her parent's every beck and call, and that she can do whatever she wants in her life. However, in the end, the decision is up to her.

If she decides to stay with you, great. Get married, or elope if her parents won't stand for it. If she decides to go along with her parents, oh well. Stay in touch with her, you may end up being the only lifeline she'll have. If said Korean guy turns out to be a real chauvanist (sp?) pig, cap that motherfucker. If he's an amiable guy who doesn't really care either way, make a deal with him - he doesn't touch her, once he gets citizenship it's divorce-time, and you can scoop her up afterwards. If he really cares for her too...it's her decision, in the end.

Just don't let her be forced into a choice she does not want. That's all that matters.