NationStates Jolt Archive

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?

HAhahahhahahahaaA!! Whats yours?

Stewie: Well i'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch!

Brian's best all time pick-up line:

"No. I'm serious. You could be in magazines. You could! And not just Juggs or Creamsicle..."

Brian's best all time pick-up line:

"No. I'm serious. You could be in magazines. You could! And not just Juggs or Creamsicle..."
What episode was that?

What episode was that?"Road to Rhode Island" the first Brian/Stewie episode where Brian has to pick up Stewie from his Grandparents.

Peter: my name? errr
[Peter looks around the cafeteria and spots a piece of Vegitable.]
Peter: err.. Pea...
[Peter looks around again and sees a woman crying]
Peter: umm... tear
[Peter is deperately looking around and a Griffen flys through the cafeteria]
Peter: yeah... Griffin... Peatear Griffin... Peter Griffin... damn!

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?

HAhahahhahahahaaA!! Whats yours?
There is a great Kids in the Hall sketch on that premise.

My favorite (and I'll botch it a little...):
Peter: When did they change 'to' to 'from'?
Brain: Last Thursday, there was a meeting. They sent you an invite but you probably thought...you know what? It's just easier to call you stupid.

Almost anything Clevland says-
"Oh Peter, you are the embodyment of much too muchary." "In case you didn't know, a balloon tied to a mailbox is the international symbol for 'Party over here!'" "Peter, you're like a white version of a black guy who is bad with his money." "You are what the spaniards would call 'el terrible'"

Ok, here's my favourite, it's a little paraphrased, but not too much.

Attendant type person: Excuse me sir, you can't leave your van there (points to Chris)
Peter: That's not a van, that's my son!
ATP: Hey, Frank, it's not a van, it's just some fat kid!

Hotel manager: Open up or I'll hit you with this blunt instrument I use to hit dead-beats with bad credit cards. Well, it's not an instrument, it's more of an object, but it's blunt, hard and blunt, and well ... it's kinda like a bat. I found it out back one day when I was raking.

(Peter sees a guy with a "Free Tibet" sign)
Peter: I'll take it!
(He runs over to a pay phone)
Peter: Hello, China? I've got something that you may want, but it'll cost you. That's right....all the tea.

(Peter sees a guy with a "Free Tibet" sign)
Peter: I'll take it!
(He runs over to a pay phone)
Peter: Hello, China? I've got something that you may want, but it'll cost you. That's right....all the tea.

!!!!!!!

That's one of my favourite lines too! but it's really quite visual as well, with the zooming and all that, and the eyes.

oh oh!

And "Krypton sucks."

On its own, it's not all that funny. but combined with what happens next, GOLD.

Stewie: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

Stewie: Isn't it funny how they say "life is like a box of chocolates"? Well in your case, dear mother, life is like a box of active grenades!

Stewie: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.

Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.
Stewie: I don't care if they...
[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]
Stewie: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.

Stewie: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.

[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie: Careful. It's 'gently rub the scalp', not 'scrub like you're trying to get the vomit out of a Christmas dress', you stupid holiday drunk.

Lois: Here Stewie, I made your favorite pancakes.
Stewie: Thank you Lois, when I rule the world, your death shall come quick and painless.

:D

Peter: You want me to whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy cause you know I'm married."

Stewie: "I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?"

Three words:

Frying. Pan. Antidote.


'nuff said.

Woman: Ive got this terrible grease stain and Ive tried everything to get it out.
Lois: What about lemon juice?
Woman: What about club soda?
Stewie: What about shutting the hell up?!!

Meg: (just have been made baton twirler) Mom, mom guess what I am!
Stewie: the result of a drunken grope in the backseat of a car.

Peter's sitting at the table eating cereal. Brian's reading the paper.

"Hey Brian, I've got a message in my Alphabits-it says "ooooooo"."

"Peter those are Cheerios."

Three words....

"Victory is mine!"

The episode where they become rich:
Stewie: <rings bells and three butlers appear> You, fetch me the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.

or, same episode:
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: But milk is a liquid, sir, you can't cut it.
Stewie: Then freeze it and cut it, you imbecile! Do I have to do all the thinking around here?

The episode where they become rich:
Stewie: <rings bells and three butlers appear> You, fetch me the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.

or, same episode:
Stewie: Cut my milk!
Butler: But milk is a liquid, sir, you can't cut it.
Stewie: Then freeze it and cut it, you imbecile! Do I have to do all the thinking around here?

It's actually "freeze and then cut it. question me again, and I'll put you on daiper duty, and I won't make it easy."

I'm amazed no one has said this yet.

Stewie: It's not that I want to kill Lois. I just don't want her to be alive anymore.

It's actually "freeze and then cut it. question me again, and I'll put you on daiper duty, and I won't make it easy."

Thanks... Has been a while since I saw that episode, so I've forgotten the exact words... I should have mentioned I was paraphrasing...

In “Rode to Road Island” (one of the best episodes):

Stewie and Brian are at a motel and the owner says something like, “The bathroom has some bad roaches.”

They open the door and there are two giant roaches one which is waving around a knife, it says in a Mexican accent, “Man, I cut you so bad… you wish I hadn’t got you so bad.”

They close the door and Brian says, “Those are some bad roaches.”

The owner responds with, “I blame the schools.”

Stewie: [To ticket agent] Now look here...
[looks at agent's name tag]
Stewie: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.

Yeah and then the lady thinks he’s lost and she calls a security guard. As the guy is carrying Stewie away the evil little tike yells, something like, “Put me down this instance. I can give you anything you want, money, power, women… men?”

For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

"Nothing says "Obey Me" like a bloody head on a fence post!" -Stewie.

That and this:
http://www.boomspeed.com/looonatic/godsniper.gif

I'm amazed no one has said this yet.

Stewie: It's not that I want to kill Lois. I just don't want her to be alive anymore.

I prefer the whole thing in context...


Stewie: Ahhh, the breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't--I have no problem with--it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her; it's just I want her not to be alive anymore. I... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"

"DONG, where is my automobile?"

Peter: "I too have an uncle."

and

Brian: "Peter you are the Spalding Grey of crap."

Lois: Peter! You're bribing your daughter with a car?
Peter: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't 'bribe' just another word for 'love'?

Peter: (drinking wine at church): Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day.

Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually.

Chris: Dad, what's the blowhole for?
Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understandwhy I can never go back to Sea World.

Guy 1: Hey, you want a piece of gum?
Guy 2: Oh, thanks.
Guy 1: Ha ha! That was joke gum.
Guy 2: What do you mean?
Guy 1: Now you're addicted to heroin. (laughs)
Guy 2: (laughs, then shivers) I'm cold.


Announcer: We now return to The Smurfs
Smurf 1: Yo, you have a good time last night?
Smurf 2: Smurftacular!
Smurf 1: Yeah I saw you leave with Smurfette.
Smurf 2: Oh man, as soon as we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me.
Smurf 1: Shut the smurf up!
Smurf 2: Yeah!
Smurf 1: Right in the smurfin' parking lot?
Smurf 2: Smurf yeah!
Smurf 1: Oh that is freakin' smurf.
Smurf 2: You smurf it.
Smurf 1: That is freakin' smurf
Smurf 2: Yeah...

Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

British Guy in pub: "I say Carruthers, you know what's very, very funny? A man dressed in women's clothing"

Carruthers: "hmm.. yes quite... ripping good laugh"

How can i forget this one?

Quagmire walks into the loos and opens a cublicle to find a young girl tied up and gagged. His expression goes from shock to intreague to a grin and he says.

"Dear Diary.... JACKPOT"

Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.

Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.

Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye.
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that's funny! That's really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you've taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That's so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you're so funny!

Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case.
Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane.

Peter: I got an idea, an idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Those are really really good sdaeriji

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

Judge: Im sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!

Peter: A guy at work bought a car out of the paper. Ten years later, Bam! Herpes.

Lois: What's going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we're playing house.
Lois: That boy's all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski's house

Peter: Hey Lois, give Chris a break. I mean, no TV? So he failed a class; it's not like he felt up his cousin in the garage that one time when I was 19.

Stewie: By all means, turn me into a child star. Perhaps I can move to Californ-i-ay and wrangle me a three-way with the Olsen twins.

Gun advocate: Guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do.

Black Knight:You see kids, your father is nothing but a fizzle!
Peter: Nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except for that one guy who called me a fizzle and then ran away, he got away with it. But most of the people who call me a fizzle don't get away with it! Actually he was the only guy to ever call me a fizzle, but after today only half the people who have ever called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!

Death: Hey Lois, what did you make this cocoa out of, crap?
Lois: If you want me to make it again, just --
Death: Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought you were going to make it with milk, not crap.

Peter: Hey, Lois, look! The two symbols of the Republican party: an elephant and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

I am a freaking repository for these.

Stewie: *To Meg* Hey porker, that's right I called you a porker, and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected by my inpenetrable *sp?* cereal box fort.
*Turns to Brian*
Hey drunkie, that's right I called you a drunkie, and there's nothing you can do about it because I'm protected...*Brian smacks fort down*...AGH!

This next one is paraphrasing.

Peter: I'm a bad husband, horrible father and a snappy dresser.

Brian: Oh lordy, lordy I'll never roam again!

Paraphrasing:

Chris:Guess the word that'sin my head and it's definitely NOT kitty.
Meg: Hmmmm...is it kitty?
Chris: Get out of my head!!!

These aren't really my favorites, only the favorites that haven't been stated yet.

Lois: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this?
Peter: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes ... nickels and boobs ... MONEY.

Stewie: Augh! What the hell do you think you're doing?
Brian: I'm cleaning myself.
Stewie: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation.

Brian: You want some ice cream?
Stewie: No.
Brian: You want some McDonalds?
Stewie: No.
Brian: You want to take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes?
Stewie: Yeah.
Brian: Okay, let's go and take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Social worker: Glen honey, I got a question for you. What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: I got a question for you. Why are you still here?

Peter: Women are not people, they are devices built by our Lord Jesus Christ for our entertainment.

Peter: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.

Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

Judge: Im sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois: Oh no!
Brian: Oh no!
Chris: Oh no!
Meg: Oh no!
Kool Aid Guy: OOOOOOOH YA!

I love those two, i have them recorded as MP3's :D

Stewie: "Get back in here, you fast bastard and DO HER!"

Stewie: "Get back in here, you fast bastard and DO HER!"

Heheheh, I love that episode. I hope he returns in future episodes.

Stewie: Mmmmm....this is better than sex!

Quagmire: "Awwww-riiight." >_< :fluffle: ;)

Joe: "Oh yeaaah, bring it oon, bring on the PAAIIN." :mp5: :gundge: :headbang:

Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.

Meg: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me.
Death: Well, that would just leave England.

Brian: Peter, this is the final plague.
Peter: Good cause this is starting to get boring.
Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son.
Peter: Oh no Stewie!
Brian: First born....
Peter: Meg!
Brian: Your wife....
Peter: Chris!

Stewie: I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious. It's almost worth the bowel obstruction!!!

Lois: What did I tell you?
Peter: You told me not to drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: I drank at the sta- Whoa... I almost fell right into that one!

Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.


Host: This one for Peter Griffin and Tony Randle.
Announcer: The password is "flaming".
Peter: You...
Tony: Actor.
Peter: You...
Tony: Tony?
Peter: You...

Peter: Hey Brian theres a message in my alphabits... It says "oooooooooooooo".
Brian: Peter those are cheerios...

OOOOOOOOOOO YEAH!

Lois: Peter, isn't she beautiful?
Peter: Yeah, but I think she's with that guy. They've been holding hands all night.
Lois: Peter, I meant Meg.
Peter: Oh, yeah, she's hot.

Brian: Oh my god. They ate Tricia Takanawa.
Peter: Why? They're just gonna get hungry again in an hour.

Tom Tucker: Well Diane, theres something you're gonna have to get used to. Men running away form you.
Diane Simmons: Shut up Tom, you're so far in the closet you're finding Christmas presents!

Quagmire: You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.

Meg: Oh my God, we're gonna die! There's so much of life I haven't experienced. I never even got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort.

Quagmire: Im tired of this, Im going to go warm up a baggle and have sex with it.
Peter: Butters in the fridge.

Brain: Hey barkeep, who's leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here??

Stewie: The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

Lois: Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they're dead inside, they're dead. And that'll be our lives.

Pope: No one embarrasses the Pope and gets away with it, SMITE THEM!
....
Pope: He's cooking up a something good!

Lois: My days in college were so exciting. This one time, the national guard came and shot some of my friends.

Meg: Mom guess what! I made the Flag Girl squad
Stewie: Flag Girl? Ummmm, yes good for you... Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call!

I'm paraphrasing

Peter: Congradulations its a girl excpet it has a penis
picks up scissors
Peter: here I'll handle that
Lois:no Peter its a Boy

i think this is what makes him the "Family Guy" lol
Meg: Mom, can i turn the heat up?
Lois: oo don't touch the thermostat Meg, your father get upset.
Meg: come on this thing goes up to ninety.
(moves dial)
Peter: (dashing in) Who touched the thermostat?
Meg: God, how does he always know?
Peter:Brain implant Meg. Every fathers got one. it tells you when your children are messing with the dial.
Guy 1: Hey peter my thing went off. your thermostat ok?!
Peter: Ya its all right.
Guy 2: Hey is my kid over here?!
Guy 1: Forget it false alarm.

Classic quotes. Another one I love is (and I'm paraphrasing slightly, I think):
Meg: Mom, Chris is hogging all the fans.
Chris: Yeah, well you're hogging all the ugly!

"Perhaps we should meet and exchange monosyllabic quips."

"Hmm."

"Ahh".

and from the same episode:

"You know what today is? A bad day to be a sperm."
-Stewie.

bump

Bryan: They're eating Asian Corospondent Whatever
Peter: What's the point, they're gonna be hungry again in an hour

Bryan: They're eating Asian Corospondent Whatever
Peter: What's the point, they're gonna be hungry again in an hour
Diane: I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks?

Not a quote, but when Peter bangs his knee and sits on the ground saying "oww" (then a big inhale) for almost a minute. The overkill is what cracks me up.

I have one or two seasons of Family Guy on disc, but haven't even watched them! (I watch it on Cartoon Net)

Stewie and Brian are my fav. characters...

(Paraphrasing)

Quagmire: The usual for me and a Roofie Colada for the lady. :p

dunno which episode but this one really sticks out in my mind

boss guy (to peter) - so where do you see yourself in five years time?

peter (looking at boss's family photo) - thinks" dont say doing your wife, dont say doing your wife" ... doing your...son???


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Mobster 1: Yah I am looking to buy a "Bunny"
Mobster 2: What kind of a "bunny" did you have in mind, simi-auto "bunny" or a full-auto "bunny".
Mobster 1: Which ever "bunny" is best for shooting a guy in the back of the head.

Peter: I made you, and I can destroy you!
*pulls out remote control and presses button*
Peter: Oh. Must of put it in the wrong kid.
Girl: Why I'd love to go to the prom with you Billy
*Girl blows up*

Peter: All right Wonder Woman, a full house. Now let's see your pair
*Wonder Woman takes off her bra*
Peter: Hehehe, all right. Hey Robin, why are you looking at me? Look at her!

Peter: Holy crip he's a crapple.

Peter: Now Lois, I know you're a feminist and I think that's adorable, but this is the real world and I'm a man.

Lois: I'm just hope you didn't kill too many brain cells.
Brain Cell: I'm alone. I'm the last one alive! Now I can spend the rest of eternity reading books!
*Drops and breaks glasses*
Brain Cell: It's not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!

Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian ... Nosotros caramos ir condustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?

HAhahahhahahahaaA!! Whats yours?

BEST ONE EVER:

Attendent: Mr. President, you don't park there, you park in the president's space now... It even comes with your own company suck-up!

Suck-up: Hello Mr. Griffon! Nice day, isn't it?
Peter: It's a bit cloudy...
Suck-up: It's -absolutely- cloudy, worst day I've seen in years! Have you been watching the Yankees?
Peter: I hate the Yankees.
Suck-up: Pack of cheaters, they are! - I love your tie.
Peter: I hate this tie.
Suck-up: It's hideous, it's ugly, it's gotta go.
Peter: *pause* ... I hate myself.
Suck-up: You're ugly and you suck, you fat sack of crap!
Peter: But I'm the president!
Suck-up: Indeed, the best one there is!
Peter: But you just said you hate me!
Suck-up: Not you... the president... the you... who hates Yankees... cloudstieYankees! (explodes)

First time I saw that was probably the hardest I've ever laughed.

This is the single funniest line I've ever heard in any cartoon. You have to have seen Full Metal Jacket to get it.

"Agent: Hideo-san would be honored to play for your team but he wants to know what type of compensation your willing to offer.

Peter: uhm. . . . . Me Love U Long Time?"

These are a few jokes from the 2nd episode of season 4, I won’t give too much away but judging by the first 3 episodes it should be worth the wait.

Brian teaching a remedial English class and everyone is saying a litle about themself;
Girl in class :My name is Amanda and my water just broke
Brian: Oh my god ! ! !
Guy in class: Yo, my turn to deliver
Other Girl: Can I have this one, my mom keeps giving mine away

Stewie: Just remember fat man those jugs are mine until the milk dries up, then you can have the remains.

Lois: So Chris what’s the latest with your little girlfriend
Chris: Ohmm, I don’t think that Mrs Lockheart likes me at all
Lois: MRS LOCKHEART, your teacher?
Peter: Wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo, wo,(points to drink)..Lois this is not my batman glass.

The Best Ever, by my main man Stewie:
The Answer is quite simple:" THE Broccoli must die!!!!!!!!!!!"

Qaugmire: "Heh, I've neva done it with a spanish chick before, OLE!"

Brilliant lol

OR!!!

Qaugmire: "Hey how old are you?"
Girl: "16"
Qaugmire: "What's that 18?"
Girl: "MUM!"
Qaumire: "Heh I like where this is going! Giggady Giggady"

OR!!! lol

Qaugmire: "Dear diary... JACKPOT"

Chris: poop.

hahahahahhah!!!!!!!!

(Peter sees a guy with a "Free Tibet" sign)
Peter: I'll take it!
(He runs over to a pay phone)
Peter: Hello, China? I've got something that you may want, but it'll cost you. That's right....all the tea.

Now that is a classic!

From "Brian Does Hollywood"

Chris: I wonder if Samuel L Jackson's here? He's in everything.
Brian: Ok Samuel, when you lay her down in front of the fireplace I want you to enter from...

Security guard:HAHAHA. see? I told you he didn't steal a turkey. He's Just a fat kid, fatty fat kid.

anal bump

(Quagmire walks upto two lesbians)

Quagmire: Hey have you girls ever been penetrated?

Quagmire (talking to two girls): I don't wanna come between you two... or do i?

The Peter Griffin perennial: "Aw Crap..."

Like the Homer Simpson "D'oh," it is suitable for all occasions.


I do remember the one with the lone brain cell. Great homage to the Twlight Zone epsiode, "Time Enough at Last" with Burgess Meredith.

I also liked the episode when Peter took over the production of the Anna and the King of Siam and when they ended with the show stopping number "Anna Rules."

Anna Rules...
Cause I kicked all the bad guys in the jewels...

Peter: I may be a great father, but I don't wanna have to be a great son again. Not for a looong time.
*Several knocks on the door*
Mom: Peter, honey? Open the door and break out the Schnapps! Guess who needs to sleep it off for the weekend!
Peter: MOM?!?!
Brian: Dear God, NO!
Peter: Quick everyone! Into the POD!
*The family jumps into a circular door in the wall, then blast into space in an escape pod.*

I giggled for about 20 minutes after seeing that.

Old Guy: You Like Popsicles?
Chris: Sure!
Old Guy: Well then you need to come on down to the cellar, I got me a whole freezer just full of popsicles.
Chris: I don't know, I better get going (or something along those lines)
Old Guy: Ah, don't make me beg now
Chris: Haha, you're funny. Well, see you later.
Old Guy: ...Get yo fat ass back here!

Its just so wrong, how could you not die laughing at it.

You make-a da Pope look-a like a fool! God will make you pay! Smite Them! He's a cookin a somtin up!

Oooh Reginald... I Disagree!

"This oatmeal tastes funny. Oh my God there's a bear in my oatmeal!"

all paraphrasing... and im really tired. sorry for any mess ups, usually i can quote any episode word for word.

chris: hi, my name is chris. im supposed to be on my best behivor and not mention poo.... oh my god! what have done!?

someone entering hell sees several very evil people sitting playing poker, among which are adolph hitler and superman.
whoever it was: superman? what are you doing here?
superman: killed a hooker. she make a crack about me being faster then a speeding bullet and i ripped her in half like a phone book.

peter, talking to his african american great grandfather in the mirror.
peter: wait, wait.. before you go.. im sure you get this all the time, but.. whats heaven like?
nathinal: its alright. theres a shortage of chairs.....
peter: .....oh....
nate: ...yeeeaaah....

t.v. show host: watch what happens when scott bayo tries to say "she sells sea shells down by the sea shore."
scott bayo: she sells sea shells do-*bear suddenly bursts through the wall of the house and begins tearing him apart*

I thought of a few more:

(Lois holds up a spoonful of broccoli to Stewie)
Lois: Open up for the plane.
Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!

(I'm paraphrasing)
Chris: We gonna get the 411 on that skank cause if you be wit dat biatch you betta put a li'l somethin-somethin cause she be all about the bling-bling.
(Peter stops the car)
Peter: Meg read these psalms and don't stop until I tell you. The power of Christ compels you!
(Sprays holy water on Chris)

"Hey dad, heh, i got ya nose!"

"I got your face."

*rips off his face*

*much screaming*

"It's just a joke, honey."

*more screaming*

There's a few...

Stewie: "All right we got some soa.. some purple stuff... ALL RIGHT SUNNY D!"

Stewie after telling a joke: *silence...* I don't need to ****ing impress you!

And this isn't a quote... but I hope some people know what I'm talking about... two words... CHICKEN FIGHT.