NationStates Jolt Archive

Inspired by the Chris Bachelder book, the question is:

"Given a relatively level playing field --- i.e., water deep enough so that a shark could maneuver proficiently, but shallow enough so that a bear could operate with its characteristic dexterity --- who would win in a fight between a bear and a shark?"

I vote bear.

Bear.

They're smarter, posess more dexterity and have vastly more mobile weaponry.

So, venue (http://www.usaboxing.org/venue_overview.jpg) comes to mind. Bears (http://www.etreking.com/eTreking/Images/3bearcubs.jpg) don't go to sea (http://www.op.net/~jeffv/Sea%20Lions%20a%20Go-Go.jpg), sharks (http://www.cinegrfx.com/ftp/images/Samples/SHARKS.gif) have been known to go to streams (http://www.elasmo-research.org/education/topics/saf_nj_maneater.htm)-so stream it is.

Bear (http://www.bentler.us/eastern-washington/animals/black-huggy-bear.jpg) is in stream (http://lesani.fotoweb.cz/fotky/20040614_fatra/395%20Hoblik%20lying%20for%20few%20seconds%20in%20very%20cold%20stream%20nearby%20the%20termal%20lak e.JPG), fishing. (http://www.kamchatkapeninsula.com/Bear_01.jpg)

Shark (http://enquirer.com/editions/1999/05/12/pattonshark_359x500.jpg) is in the stream, pissed (http://www.gordonanderson.ca/Haden/hayden1/Images/Ok%20now%20I'm%20pissed%20099-010.jpg) that he's in a stream. Decides he needs to take it out on something (http://www.nowherethoughts.net/pics/calf104012005.jpg), bear (http://pages.prodigy.net/disneyworld/mk/cbj1.jpg) is as close to seal (http://www.goodsammy.com.au/images/main_sammy.gif)-goes for bear (http://www.defenders.org/habitat/highways/new/target/images/grizzly/bearincar.jpg).

Bear sees shark comin' (http://media.mnginteractive.com/media/paper103/20050408_SPT_SP_TERRELL5.JPG), cause bear is fishin' (http://www.uniquerustique.com/Images-pics-rustic-decor/31180%20Gone%20Fishin%20Key%20Box..jpg) and bear is goooood at fishin' (http://www.asmpalaska.org/Media/Newsphotos/POMJuly.jpg). But this is a big damn fish (http://news.nationalgeographic.com/kids/2003/12/images/shark1-big.jpg). "Cool (http://www.voicesofnature.ca/images/coolbear2.gif)," thinks bear, "Hybernatin' (http://www.ldb.org/gif/bear.jpg) early this year."

So here comes shark-POW (http://www.seaturtle.org/blog/mgodfrey/pow.jpg)-bear nabs shark in the snout (http://www.masscar.com/Archive/ferrari%20shark%20nose.jpg). OH SNAP-Shark is not used to that, didn't see that comin'. Had he heels (http://www.sapphiredance.com/shoes/wkLeslie6.jpg), he'd be on 'em.

But bear (http://www.npl.lib.va.us/family/images/storytime_bear_stunned.gif) wasn't ready for shark to come like he meant it (http://www.bbc.co.uk/nottingham/music/2004/06/images/the_killers_270.jpg), bear didn't brace (http://milwaukee.brace.nu/Images/BoyColor.jpeg) himself. SPLASH! Down goes bear.

But here's the thing-shark don't give up (http://img.epinions.com/images/opti/66/d5/210384-movie.jpg-movie-resized200.jpg). Get's nailed by a dolphin (http://www.warnbro.org.au/blog/archives/shark.jpg), that means it's time for dolphin to get bit (http://www.monkeymiadolphins.org/GIFs/sharkbite.gif) in half, sucka (http://www.smother.net/staff/sucka.gif). Back comes shark, now extra pissed (http://www.revdeadeye.com/images/extra/deadeye%20pissed%202.jpg). No one makes shark bleed shark's own blood.

Bear (http://www.springcreekphotography.com/Brown_bear_shaking_ws.jpg) is busy shakin' it off. Every thing bear encounters either gets bitched (http://www.ihumpthings.com/submittedpics/people/images/big/ChrisBitched2.jpg) by bear or beats a retreat (http://www.missouri.edu/~heivilinj/4asgr/Retreat-Album-Cover.jpg). Bear's got time. Or so bear thinks...Chomp (http://www.haystack.mit.edu/~jcf/baikal/chomp.gif), SNAP! (http://www.kelloggscerealcity.com/shared/content/productimages/snapresin_large.jpg) DAAAAAAAAMMMMNNN! (http://fjepsblagnacjdr2.free.fr/Live%202003/Micha%EBlis%20le%20Mort%20Vivant%20Damn%E9.JPG)

Shark got bear's hind leg while bear was shakin' off the water. Bear did not see that coming. Time to go bear shit. (http://www-2.cs.cmu.edu/~malin/pictures/berlin2003/buddyBears/yodaCrazyBear.jpg)

Shark starts his spin (http://www.shark.com/images_art/greg_vl_000701.jpg), now that he has a mouth full of bear leg. Bear is just flayling, all claw (http://i.timeinc.net/realsimple/i/p/Dec_Jan04/1204_solution_gift_guide_28.jpg). Slash, gash-right side gill goes down.

Bear limps his way onto shore. Shark, finally turned around, drifts with the current back to sea. Bear (http://www.larryrivers.com/image_akbbear00/brian-grays-brown-bear-claw-sp2000.jpg) dies shortly after, saving one last growl to let the buzzards (http://www.insightadvertising.com/background_work/Sports/Sports5/Sports6/Sports7/BUZZARDS.jpg) know they're gettin a treat (http://www.evsc.k12.in.us/teachers/elementary/scott/burns/o%20treat%2071.png).

Shark dies laid up againt some rocks down stream, providing the fuel for little Timmy's first undeserved F (http://www.educationnext.org/20014/images/76-1.jpg) in show in tell when the teacher does not believe that Tommy 'found' a shark jaw (http://www.flmnh.ufl.edu/fish/Gallery/Descript/SalmonShark/salmonsharkteethnoaa.JPG) in the stream by his house.

End result? No one wins (http://www.b3tards.com/upload/no_one_wins_we_are_both_losers_this_mans_i_now_have_to_get_shitfaced_on_monkey_beer.gif). Not even Timmy (http://www.brillianttv.co.uk/timmymallett/images/timmy-1980a.jpg).


Not even Timmy (http://www.brillianttv.co.uk/timmymallett/images/timmy-1980-front5.jpg).

I think the shark should just grin and bear it. :D

I think the shark should just grin and bear it. :D
*GROANS and pelts you with cyanide laced cookies*

Depends on the bear and depends on the shark. But if it was a Great White then I don't think well-placed punches on the nose are going to help as much as a bear might hope.

It isn't the quantity of weaponry that counts, it's the quality.

Shark, they're just brutal.

Dude... it went like this after Cannot_think_of_a_name's story:

"All right, Mr. Scientist A, we have the technology. We can rebuild them."

"Yes, yes we do, Mr. Scientist B. But... what do we rebuild them into? I mean... it's a shark. And a bear. Do we make... a sharkbear, or bearshark?"

Mr. Scientist B slapped Mr. Scientist A. "You twit! We enhance them, not fuse them!"

"Oh..."

The two large carcasses were flopped up onto the operating tables, the putrid odors of rotting flesh and wet hair filling the room (if that's too graphic for the kiddies, it smelled like Pine-Sol). Mr. Scientists A and B slapped on their operating masks and gloves, ready for a Grande Ol' Tyme in the realms of forbidden science (*thunderous claps outside*). Drills, whirrings, sparks, and a few "Opps"es were heard throughout the night as the attempt to screw with natural science was undertaken.

Finally, in the morning, the last bolt was drilled into place, and the operations were deemed a success.

But not for long.

"Let's power 'em up and see what these badasses can do!" proclaimed Mr. Scientist B.

"Hmm... are you sure this is such a good idea? I mean... a man-eating shark and a PWNing bear...surely they would be pissed after--"

Another slap. "What do you know? This is tightass! Who wouldn't want to play with new toys? And these, Mr. Scientist A, are indeed toys. My toys!"

"Well..."

Mr. Scientist B ignored Mr. Scientist a from here-on-out and threw the switch to the two monsterous enhancements. There was a click and a whine as the creatures were resurrected from their soft heavenly deaths, brought back into a dark dark world, where men were generically named A and B. And as the generically named Mr. Scientist A put it, they were indeed "pissed".

Mecha-Bear, now equipped with spring-loaded legs, adamantium claws, and a rocket-fueled jet back, broke free from his operating table (actually, there wasn't any "breaking free", as the scientists decided it wasn't smart to put restraints on "carcasses", not seeming to think through their own plan) and took a swipe at Mr. Scientist B. The smack was laid down that morning, and so were all of his intestines (or confettii for the weak-stomached).

"Daaaaaamn!" mused Mr. Scientist B. Then he died.

Then Mecha-Shark hopped from the table. Yes, he hopped, for now he was donned with reverse scuba-gear. Wearing watertanks, a moisturizing wet-suit, and mechanical legs, he was now the perfect killing machine for both sea and land (totally PWNage, but that title is still debated, as the bear currently holds it)! He found that his eyes were now impanted with targeting devices, but not just for no damn reason. He had a friggin' lazer beam attatched to his friggin' head! Damn straight he did!

Mecha-Shark sighted Mr. Scientist A, homed in, then fired a hella beam at him, blowing a hole straight through his gut. Luckily blood and guts didn't fly out the backside as the wound was instanstly cauterized (but for the innocents...candy flew out, making the shark and bear quite happy for a few munching, sweet-teethed minutes). A rush was then followed by M-Shark (remember--legs!), and he finished the job.

Now, with no annoyingly generic scientists to be in their way, M-Bear and M-Shark saw it time to finish what they had started.

They stood there looking at each other in the ultimate staredown. The click-whirr of M-Shark's teeth and the gentle scraping of M-Bear's claws filled the ghastly silent room, now filled with death (once again, as these to were already dead in here, rather defeating the purpose of this entire sentence of cliche).

The springs in M-Bear's legs were about ready to launch, and the jetpack good to fire. The lazer was set to follow any possible trajectory the bear could produce, and was charging to full power.

Now was the time. Now was the chance to prove there there could be only one. In a battle of a battle where there can be no winner, who would win? Jet-pack Mecha-Bear or Lazer-head Mecha-Shark?

"You know what?" mused the shark with a metal-grated voice.

"What?" replied the bear.

"Screw this. Let's go for pizza."

"Yeah. Okay. We don't need to please any audience who was sad enough to read through this entire pointless story. Pizza sounds hella tight."

"Hella."

"Word."

~Fin~

EDIT: Oh, and Timmy went for pizza too, but was later killed because his name was also too generic, although it was more merciful as it wasn't as generic as A or B. At least he had pizza. That's worth something, isn't it?!

Dude... it went like this after Cannot_think_of_a_name's story:


~Fin~


Quality




Links all done now.

I *heart* that book!

Anywhoo, I voted shark, but really, given a level playing field, it would be a toss up. I mean, the fight would have to be in the water, even shallow, so that the shark could fight fairly. That in itself would give the shark a slight advantage from the get-go. However, the bear is quite comfy in the water, too. And has big paws. Can't forget those claws, either. I suppose the next questions would then be: 1) What kind of bear? and 2) What kind of shark? I mean, Polar Bear v. Spiny Dogfish would be a no-brainer, right? Whereas Great White v. Teddy Bear . . . hmm. I would like to see the Snuggle Bear drop gloves with Jaws, myself. That would be all kinds of crazy. Despite its cuddly appearance, I've got a sneaky suspicion that ol' Snuggly is ferocious enough to tackle a mechanical fish. Just sayin'.

If I am allowed to specify the Species of bear, then my vote is for the POLAR BEAR. They do spend a lot of time in the ocean, hunting prey. They're incredibly fast given their size, built like a brick shit-house and incredibly mean and viscious. One swat of its paw would rip a great big hole where the sharks brain used to be. Polar Bears are the largest species of bear and they are Carnivores. Polars bears eat, among other things, fish.

I need to bump something light hearted. And that took a long time, dammit...

To make it completely fair, the battle should be held in a sloping arena. Deep water at one end, land at the other. Snack machines in the centre.

I need to bump something light hearted. And that took a long time, dammit...
it was hilarious. good work.

Shark

Edit: On second thought.. it must be a somewhat small shark in order to be able to maneuver well in shallow water. My first thought was of a big Great White vs. a Bear lol.

I change my vote to bear.

Those stories rocked! Congrats CtoaN, and Romanore.

I say bear, because I prefer bears.

Depends on the bear and depends on the shark. But if it was a Great White then I don't think well-placed punches on the nose are going to help as much as a bear might hope.

It isn't the quantity of weaponry that counts, it's the quality.

Agreed. The species of bear would have an impact as well. A sand shark against a grizzly... Well, the bear's having roasted shark tonight.. ;)

the shark "owns" more area you could say cuz something like 65% of the world is water. the shark probably has a bigger menu to coose from too.
But then the bear can swim and eat fish as well as some land critters

it was hilarious. good work.

Those stories rocked! Congrats CtoaN, and Romanore.

I say bear, because I prefer bears.

Thanks :) I can nap happy someone actually read it, so I don't have to regret going with the much shorter "I don't remeber Discovery Channel doing 'Bear Week.'"

Though I wish I would have found room in there for this guy (http://www.umanitoba.ca/cm/vol4/no20/suit.jpg) (man who wants to have a bear attack him. If you haven't seen Project Grizzly run, don't walk. It's what that Simpsons episode was parodying)