NationStates Jolt Archive

It is time to write an abridged version of the Bible.
GENESIS
God was bored.
He made the earth, the heavens, etc.
He quickly became bored once again
He created man. He originally made Phil and Steve, but then they died. Then he made Lucie and Pam, but they died.
He then made Adam, he died so he made another one, Adam II. He died and after three hundred more he made one that didn't die, Adam the 300th.
Adam was happy, but then he kept trying to kill himself because he was lonely. God then made Eve. They went at it right away.
God went to down to them and said, "Don't eat the apples, m'kay?"
They replied, "Yes, sir..." Seconds later the Devil came to them and said, "Eat an apple." Eve said no. Satan then proceeded to take out a slingblade and said, "Eat it bitch." She did, and then Adam ate one too just to be cool. Then God came down and said, "Did you eat an apple?"
They replied, "Yes, but it was Satan." God said, "You bastard." And tied him to a chair and began to sing.

"Well I don't know why I came here tonight,
I got the feeling that something ain't right,
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down the stairs,
Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, here I am,
Stuck in the middle with you."

He then cut off his ear. Then he cut off his legs and then was shot by Mr. Orange. God then kicked Adam and Eve out of Park Avenue and put them in crappy Jersey City.

THE END OF GENESIS
Fell free to add

I LOVE it, but it's kind of stupid of you to post it, because a lot of people are going to be offended and yell at you, which I could understand.


The Enlightened One, Gir

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbblasphemy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I can say is ...wow. Do more! :p

Hilarious! :p

You are going to have so many people pissed at you!
:p

Thanks for the laugh.

That was great. More, more! :p

You forgot Noah and the animals and the arc.....that's like the only other part of the Bible I know other than Jesus and that time the woman got turned into a pillar of salt(and stuff they make animated movies about; Moses etc etc)

But I forgive you, LOL

I thought it was funny, and I'm Christian...

GO PHIL, STEVE, LUCIE, AND PAM!!! WOO-HOO!!!

I see that Bible 2.0 has more flaws than a pre-release build of Windows. :rolleyes:

Shoulda kept with 1.0 - made more sense, even if you're one of those who doesn't think it makes much sense to begin with!

You forgot Noah and the animals and the arc.....that's like the only other part of the Bible I know other than Jesus and that time the woman got turned into a pillar of salt(and stuff they make animated movies about; Moses etc etc)
versus
I thought it was funny, and I'm Christian...


hhm, does something seem wrong here?

Sweet. Bring on teh blasphemey, and feel free to put references of god preferring to 'watch down' on people... :D

AHHHHHH! Heretic! *proceeds to spout curses at the blaspheumer*

jk

That was hillarious

Question - can you call 'blasphemy' on this, if you yourself don't believe in God?
:confused:

versus



hhm, does something seem wrong here?
No, that seems pretty typical to me. ;)

NOAH'S ARC
Noah was a guy who wokred in at Walmart. He lived in a van, but he was the least sinful off all the people, which isn't saying much considering the fact that he lived in Las Vegas.
One day God was thinking to herself, "Gee...what am I going to do?" She then became bored with this thought and turned on the television. There was a movie about a vengeful god. "People are so sinful and they can't tell the difference between violet blue and just violet, what's a girl gonna do?" She then continued to watch and though," Oh man, I wish god were real, he'd know what to do!" She then remembered that she was god.
She came to Noah and said, "Noah, Noah." Noah, asleep in his which happened to be a van down by the river, did not wake up.
"Noah, Noah." She said. He did not wake up. She then yelled, "Hey Noah, they're giving away hundred dollar chips at the Ventian!" He immediately woke up. He said, "Free chips! Wa-hooo!"
God then said, "I was just kidding." Noah became sad, "Why did youl lie to me.."
God felt bad and apologised and then gave him a lolipop. As he was eating God told him, "I need you to build an arc. "
Puzzled he asked in awe because he was in front of the creator herself, "Arc, what the hell is an arc?"
"Well, it's a boat about this big and about this wide. ", she said.
"Oh, okay, why?"
"I am going to flood the earth.", she replied.
Noah was shocked about this new information and said, "That'll be three fifty, please." She paid him.
Noah went to the forest and was about to cut some trees for the boat when a buch of hippies came. He through them some granola and they went away.
Four minutes later he became frustrated and just stole some boat he saw at the habor.
"What a lovely arc, did you make it yourself?", God asked.
Noah knew it would be wrong to lie, and he was a man who knew right from wrong and said, "Yeah, sure whatever."
"Now put two of every animal in there." She said.
Noah did as he was told. Then God flooded the earth. She had never done this before so the water was only knee-deep. She knew it would hurt Noah's feelings if she told him the flood wouldn't get any deeper, so she picked up the ship and put it atop Mt. Ararat and told him it rained so much that he ended up on a a mountain. He then began to sleep.

The End

Going straight to hell are we?

On Cain and Abel
It all began in the summer of 1894, when Adam and Eve became hermaphrodites and decided to start marketing drugs to AIDS-inflicted children from the southwest border of Canada during the summer of ’69. Everyone back then smoked opium and they usually smoked it from their ass. So one day Adam and Eve smoked so much ass opium that Eve gave birth to Cain and Abel from her boobs when she was talking to a burning bush that told her to suicide bomb her city hall and bring a gun into school.

From the very beginning Cain and Abel showed great aptitude for eating fecal matter. It was because of this amazing attribute that they showed great interest in that God decided one day to give them herpes in their asses. When God delivered the herpes to them, they both realized that it was time to join a dancing troupe. But what they didn’t know was that a young man by the name of Shitcockian Fucktits was developing a plan to molest them. So God was all up in their faces and he told them to bring him sacrifices and shit so that Shitcockian wouldn’t molest them.

Cain and Abel pondered for days and days about their gifts to God. They pondered so much that they forget to shit and their pants filled up with smelly poop that attracted mosquitoes with the West Nile virus that enlarges your cock if you put garlic on it and then dip it in the BLOOD OF DEAD AMERICANS.

“I say we give God a cat,” said the dutiful Abel.

“I say we give God a nuclear bomb,” said the dutiful Cain.

“I hope your eyes turn into pebbles that shoot lasers,” said the dutiful Abel.

“You don’t understand me! I’m leaving!” said the dutiful Cain, as he ran away.

So when judgment day came, the two brothers presented their gifts to God and then God told Cain that he was a douchebag because his nuclear bomb didn’t have laser precision and it didn’t have nude pictures of underage teens. So God gave Abel a dildo in reward. Infuriated, Cain followed Abel home that night and when Haddaway started playing “What is Love,” Cain hacked Abel to death with a machete and then put his body in an oven where he cooked him for three hours at one million degrees. God got uber-pissed and ripped off Cain’s balls and decided that eating cake on Friday would give your ulcers so that you couldn’t pray to them when they were talking to the meek sheep from the far away country of Pakistan where towel heads blew up dot heads for eating meat that was polyunsaturated which means that it was made of parasites from the flea-ridden city of Jerusalem that was actually originally located in the nestling community of Fuckland, New York – also known as Syracuse because God hated them because their dads fornicated. Cain was sad because he had no balls so he hanged himself from a tree with a little note that encouraged all children to murder their parents by poisoning their drinks with sulfuric acid. And so the story ended and everyone had sex with dicks, leading to the next phase of history… a period we designate as “The Great Depression.”

On Jesus
It was a sunny Friday afternoon on December 25, 1 AD. The “Virgin” Mary was giving birth to our lord and savior, the infant Jesus Christ. But at that time, people called him Christie McGee. Christie had a tough life growing up in the suburbs of downtown Harlem where he was constantly ridiculed for his homosexuality. Then, one day, Christie decided to isolate himself from society. He spent 40 nights in the arid desert under the scorching sun until finally he passed out because for some odd reason he forgot to bring food and water. But then, Jesus saw the light.

And the light said unto him, “JESUS, I AM SATAN.”

And Jesus responded, “I WILL DEFEAT YOU LUCIFER. This time, we finish it.”

Then the two demigods charged at each with their lightsabers. Jesus used “PsychicPunch” and pushed Satan off a cliff where he fell into oblivion. Then Jesus celebrated by masturbating thus incurring the wrath of god who subsequently joined Jesus in a wild orgy in heaven.

Then Jesus met this guy called Simon Peter and they started having sex. So when the Romans decided to crucify Jesus three years later for grand theft auto, Peter decided to leave his lover on the cross to rot and die.
When the Zombie Jesus rose from the dead three days later, he came to wreak havoc on mankind. Nothing could stop him. Even the Ghostbusters' efforts proved to be futile. But only when the “Virgin” Mary transformed into Optimus Prime did the bloodshed cease. She used “SuperBeam Attack +1” and shot a blinding beam of concentrated solar energy at Jesus’s one weak spot, his cursed shin - for you see, when Mary dipped him into the river Acheron, she forgot about his other shin because she was too busy not having sex with seven men who were standing next to her butt naked. After Jesus was hit, he turned into a camel and went on for forty more days, preaching the word of god and why people should take off their pants and hurl them at unsuspecting bypassers. He ascended into heaven December 7, 1941...

This has been a BibleTales Production.

I thought it was funny, and I'm Christian...
I'm a Christian and I thought it was HILARIOUS!

And believe me...God has a sense of humor. Don't believe me? Just look at the platypus...or Ted Kennedy.

:p

Going straight to hell are we?

And when his eyes go dead, the hell I send him to will seem like heaven after what I've done to him.

points for getting the quotation :D

On Cain and Abel

-snip-
Sorry, you fail. Not even NEAR as funny as the first post. :mp5:

Sorry, you fail. Not even NEAR as funny as the first post. :mp5:

Well, duh. I had trouble when I wrote that weeks ago and I thought it was retarded. But nevertheless, BibleTales Productions needs publicity even though it only has two segments. In fact, Im plagiarizing everything here and claiming it as my own if you don't pay me royalties.

And when his eyes go dead, the hell I send him to will seem like heaven after what I've done to him.

points for getting the quotation :D

Moses, Deutromeny v I-IIII

LEVITICUS
god said "do anything at all and ill f**king spank you!!"

do one about the dude who was in trouble and then let the village men rape his daughter if they would leave him alone

Book of Revelations

There really are no entries here, but here's a bunch of numbers you can play with to predict the end of the world.

1
7
666
616
http://www.godman.com
Holy shit, this is not funny
Damn right
Where's the next number, asshole?
5
thx
np
you're anti, you're antisocial
1

end_book();

The True Story of Sodom and SoHo


There were once two cities, Sodom and SoHo. They were sinful cities, people were having sex on the street, doing more coke than Rick James, and everyone wore Hawaiian shirts. Beastiality was so common that it even offended the people in Montana. It was a terrible time, Olsen twins were making more and more movies and VegiTales sold more copies than Smokey and the Bandit. One day God was on his way to Quizno's, he was too good for Subway, when he saw too kids on the street. He walked up to them and asked what they were doing. He bent over and saw that they were drinking, and not the good stuff either. He roared, "What Coors?! A sin against the lord!" The kids looked at him and said, "It's not our fault, Dan Quayle gave it to us!" God then went to Dan Quayle, who had an i.q. of 280, and hit him with a giant trout and his i.q. lowered significantly.
God then went back to heaven, after trying on a pair of pumps that he just HAD to buy, and went to his office. He turned on the television to watch Steel Magnolias when he called two angels into his office. Santa Claus and the Green Lantern walked in and sat on one of God's fluffy ottomans. God turned to them and said, "People are so bad, bad, baddy, bad. What should I do?"
The Green Latern then went to God and said, "Want a joint?" They then enjoyed some good shit. God remarked that he could even hear the colors.
..Five Hours Later...
Completely stoned, Santa Claus said, "Well if you have a bad tooth, you have to get rid of it."
"What are you suggesting?", asked God.
Santa Claus, staring at his hands forgot what he had said. Then Jesus came in and asked, "Hey, have you been taking my weed..again?"
"No", laughed Santa Claus. Three minutes later the Green Lantern had an idea, "Let's go all Pulp Fiction on their asses!"
"Yeah, man", said Santa Claus who then proceeded to fall over. God sent them to earth. Before they destroyed the two cities, God saught to find the least sinful people and tell them to flee. He found Jed. He was the least sinful, he had only committed 8 felonies and had only committed sodomy 35 times. He told them to leave, and they did. Then Santa Claus rode down on his slay, with his hydrolics on full speed and the speakers on as loud as possible. He was still a bit high and he crashed his pimped-up sleigh into the local oil refinery. Needless to say, nothing happened. But then, out of shere luck, a meteor came and wiped the cities out. Jed and his wife fled until their carran out of gas and then they joined a local anarchist government to overthrow an evil para-military corporation.
The End

Not as funny as the first...but still funny. :)

The True Story of Sodom and SoHo

<snip>
The End
funny stuff there

What about the book of Revalations, or the story of Moses?

If you're going to blaspheme, at least make it somewhat funny :rolleyes:

Moses, Deutromeny v I-IIII
not really, but do try again :p

bump

The Book of Revelation (Otaku version)

One day, there was a boy named Shinji....

....and Asuka said "Eww, I feel sick."

Oh yeah, and Jesus had a wife and Da Vinci had a code, too. Don't forget about that.

You forgot Noah and the animals and the arc.....that's like the only other part of the Bible I know other than Jesus and that time the woman got turned into a pillar of salt(and stuff they make animated movies about; Moses etc etc)

But I forgive you, LOL

I thought it was funny, and I'm Christian...

GO PHIL, STEVE, LUCIE, AND PAM!!! WOO-HOO!!!

those are all "white" names, though... you need to make it politically correct with Juanita, Jamal, Mark, and Ling

hehe

LOL Love it! Got any more? Whoever said about Noahs ark: Thats a good idea. Bring it on!

I wonder why there's so much Christian bashing on NS.

To those self-proclaimed Christians who said "I love it" or variations of such:

You should not love that which insults God. You should have a righteous anger toward this blasphemy. Christians should not actively associate or endorse this terrible evil.

To those who so heartily engage in this mockery of God:

You have greatly offended myself, and I am sure that you have offended many others. Your atheist/immoral/God-hating beliefs show through your despicable writings. Rest assured, if your ways do not change, you will indeed face God at the Great White Throne on Judgement Day, and you will be banished into the hell-fires for all eternity. I plead with you to turn from your lives of sin and blasphemy. I shall pray for your souls.

Genesis 19: Sodom and Gomorrah

There was this CIA undercover operative named Lot who'd been gathering intelligence concerning the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah and trading notes with two equally undercover CIA agents; they were all part of the United States' BC-era Foreign Undercover Control Program, or FUC-P.

Sodom and Gomorrah, you see, were part of President Flavius Maximus Bush's "Axis of Evil" and, as such, were under the watchful eye of the developed world. Black ops, undercover raids and stings, and even anti-terrorism assault forces had been working the mean streets of the two cities ever since a Sodomite, Haji Basheem Faruq Al-Fuqti, had led the terrorist attack that had brought down the Twin Pines -- two very tall redwood trees -- in northern California, killing an estimated 1,000 squirrels, 272 chipmunks, 892 birds of various species, and 37 tree-hugging hippies. Al-Fuqti was still on the loose, so Lot (and his family, unfortunately) had been sent there on a semi-long-term assignment to find out if support could be enlisted among the people of the two towns in the search for Al-Fuqti and the greater war on terrorism. Lot found that these people were beyond sanity, bent on the destruction of all that was good in the world, and so he confirmed his findings with the two other FUC-P agents.

Lot and his two fellow operatives -- Darnell and Loquetia -- agreed that the two towns were in terrible shape and really should be bulldozed. Such was their advice to FUC-P head Moishe Goldstein. Goldstein told CIA director Gaylord Focker, who told President Bush.

Lot learned that the president would order Sodom and Gomorrah to be destroyed. Because of this, he started the process of leaving Sodom: sublet the apartment, pay off the dental and car bills, return the rented plasma TV, pay off the Blockbuster balance.

Lot and his family were such straight-laced people that they had stuck out like sore thumbs in evil Sodom, so when the family began to show signs of leaving, a bunch of Sodomites decided that they'd not gotten enough utility out of this self-righteous Lot and his family, so they surrounded Lot's house on the morning of his departure.

"Bring out your daughters, so we can screw them like the bitches they are," screamed the mob. "You're not leaving Sodom until we've had our fun with you God-worshipers."

In Lot's house were Lot, his wife, his two daughters, and the two other FUC-P operatives, who were there for back-up.

So Lot went outside to try to reason with the filthy rabble who'd come to rape his daughters.

"Dudes, we are peaceful people who simply want to leave. My daughters are virgins, and I'll be damned if you sonsabitches are going to have them before I can marry them off properly. So please, step aside."

"You son of a bitch, how dare you withhold the pleasure of your daughters from us? We're not going anywhere. In fact, we're going to tear down your walls and bed your daughters the hard way!"

So Lot ran back into the house, realizing that everyone was there but the daughters' fiancees. He dialed the two men on his cell phone using the three-way feature and the three of them decided on a rendezvous point and general time to meet there.

So Lot, his wife and his daughters fled under the protective fire of Darnell and Loquetia and barely escaped. They made it outside the city, met the daughters' fiancees, and started the long drive to Damascus, where Lot's next assignment would be working to stop the flow of arms and terrorists from Syria into Iraq.

Lot's phone rang. It was Loquetia. "Lot," she said, with a sense of urgency, "soon the bombs will begin to drop. Do not look back! Make sure you tell your family not to look back, or they will be blinded by the heat flash. An angel of the Lord just told me that not only would anyone who looks back at the destruction be blinded, but would turn into a pillar of salt. So warn your family! And good luck, homes!"

So Lot told them this message and reminded them repeatedly. He hoped the message had sunk in.

When Lot et al. were about 15 miles outside of Sodom and Gomorrah (her sister city), the bombs began to drop: President Bush had decided to nuke the bastards, after all. At least ten tremendous blasts shook the earth even as far away as Lot's car was. Ten huge mushroom clouds could be seen expanding into the sky.

Lot's wife had been snoring soundly when Lot had told her and his daughters and their fiancees the ultimatum about not looking back. So when the bombs exploded, Lot's wife awoke abruptly, wiped the drool from one side of her mouth and turned around to see what the commotion was behind her. In so doing, she turned into a pillar of salt.

They could not stop, so Lot opened the passenger-side window and kicked his salt-pillar wife out the window. "No big deal," Lot thought. "She hadn't been putting out much anyway."

Lot and his entourage phoned General Abraham, an old friend from Lot's Army days in Germania.

"Sup, Abe?"

"Not much, Lot. How art thou?"

"Well, me and the missus and the daughters and the two fiancee bastards got out of S-and-G all right, but then my wife looked back. We need a spot to rest for a while before I move in on the Syria challenge. Got any ideas?"

"Sorry to hear about your wife, Lot, I really am. Say, there's this nice little Super 8 in Zoar. Go there, and soon! For the fury of President Bush has not been extinguished. Get thee away from where thou art!"

So Lot went to Zoar.

The bible compressed down to one sentence:

"Because I say so that's why."

You have greatly offended myself, and I am sure that you have offended many others. Your atheist/immoral/God-hating beliefs show through your despicable writings. Rest assured, if your ways do not change, you will indeed face God at the Great White Throne on Judgement Day, and you will be banished into the hell-fires for all eternity. I plead with you to turn from your lives of sin and blasphemy. I shall pray for your souls.
lol That's almost exactly the crap my mother spews at me (minus the hell business since she does not believe in hell). I shall give you the same response I give to the woman who pushed me out of her vag. Pray for me to get more sexin' while you're workin' on my soul. At least sexin' isn't a WASTE OF TIME.

Before I say this I'm Protestant but not really devout etc etc

Yes, it is fun to have disrespect for something you think is rubbish etc etc, there is nothing stopping you doing that, however, what happens if there is a God, you will arrive at heavens doorstep and say 'oh shit...' right?

Besides - It is always nice to think there is something up there and something or someone looking out for you.

The bible compressed down to one sentence:

"Because I say so that's why."

One word:

"Titties."

Revelation

And Shinji said to Misato, "I am weak and worthless" and Misato said, "Thou art a pussy. It is a mystery how thou were chosen to pilot an Evangelion".

Then Da Vinci wrote his code.

The Geschichte von Moses (The P.C. Version, PC words are in italic)

It was the best of times, okay it wasn't but it doesn't hurt to pretend. The Pharoah Jamal IV, was doing some ethnic cleansing of all of those who are of Hebrew descent. He killed every male, female, and co-dependents.One female, Lolitia, put her son in a basket and said, "We had a good run." She then placed the basket on the water..it sank immediately. She then picked up the baby and placed him on a nearby piece of drift wood, which sank again. Tired and wanting to go home and watch Regis Live, Lolita picked up her baby, who was at the tender age of 35, and told him with all her love, "You're on your own." and threw him into the air and ran away. The baby laned on the boat of Queen Ling, she picked up the baby and said, "You will be my son, and your name shall be Prince Michael II."
Skip to two months later...
It was now the year a bunch of numbers B.C.(E.) and baby Prince Micheal II was all grown up. He had an older brother named Tom. He also had to more brothers named Dick and Harry, but they aren't in this story. One day his father said, "Oy vey, my sons. I've done a bunch of stuff at was maschugana. I even killed most of the *People of Hebrew Descent*. That was nichts giet. "
This hurt Prince Michael II and he quickly ran into the desert with with nothing but $5,000 cash, a Mercedes Benz, a fully loaded AK-47 (after all his people were from Israel), and his dog Benji. The money was soon gone, street punks stole his car, (The desert was a rough place at night), and his gun was out of ammo. He soon saw a homeless shelter where they were giving away free food, he was forced to eat Benji. (Dont' worry it was kosher.) He then met a woman named Barbara, but everyone called her Babs. It was there that he learned that he was a *Person of Hebrew Descent*. He then became a shepard, it paid shit so he quit and became lord of the Sahara underworld. It paid well, very well. God came to him in the form of a bush. Prince Michael II didn't hear God and threw his cigar at the bush which quickly set on fire. God was screaming and screaming in pain. Prince Michael II put out the fire and God smote him with a lightning bolt. With his hero gone he found another young lad, Moses. He told him to free all of the *People of Hebrew Descent*.
Young Moses went to the pharoah and said, "Let the individual people who are all related through a common heritage go!" Pharoah replied, " Yeah, sure whatever."
"Really?", asked Moses
"Yeah, just take them." said the evil pharoah.
"Ah, great. I um, need some transportation.", Moses said.
"Don't worry. I'll fly you where you need to go, first class. Free of charge.", said the evil pharoah with the black, black heart of stone.
"Thanks." Moses challenged the evil man.
"Don't worry about it, I want to make up for what I did.", retorted the Devil incarnate.
So they all flew to Israel, and that's it. Then when Moses was talking to his biographer the biographer said, "That's boring."
Moses then said, "Then fix, I don't care say that it took 40 years and that we crossed a sea. Say plagues rained down on pharoah, something you're the writer."

The End

I wonder why there's so much Christian bashing on NS.

To those self-proclaimed Christians who said "I love it" or variations of such:

You should not love that which insults God. You should have a righteous anger toward this blasphemy. Christians should not actively associate or endorse this terrible evil.

To those who so heartily engage in this mockery of God:

You have greatly offended myself, and I am sure that you have offended many others. Your atheist/immoral/God-hating beliefs show through your despicable writings. Rest assured, if your ways do not change, you will indeed face God at the Great White Throne on Judgement Day, and you will be banished into the hell-fires for all eternity. I plead with you to turn from your lives of sin and blasphemy. I shall pray for your souls.



booo evil christian, HATE CRIMES......

Before I say this I'm Protestant but not really devout etc etc

Yes, it is fun to have disrespect for something you think is rubbish etc etc, there is nothing stopping you doing that, however, what happens if there is a God, you will arrive at heavens doorstep and say 'oh shit...' right?

Besides - It is always nice to think there is something up there and something or someone looking out for you.


why should a god be above criticism? Why should a god always be right?

booo evil christian, HATE CRIMES......
Don't be so silly, it wasn't hate. It was love in a different package. :p

Don't be so silly, it wasn't hate. It was love in a different package. :p
I think you may be pushing it bud.

Before I say this I'm Protestant but not really devout etc etc

Yes, it is fun to have disrespect for something you think is rubbish etc etc, there is nothing stopping you doing that, however, what happens if there is a God, you will arrive at heavens doorstep and say 'oh shit...' right?

Besides - It is always nice to think there is something up there and something or someone looking out for you.
If gods that uptight he should have a beer or somethin

The Geschichte von Moses (The P.C. Version, PC words are in italic)

It was the best of times, okay it wasn't but it doesn't hurt to pretend. The Pharoah Jamal IV, was doing some ethnic cleansing of all of those who are of Hebrew descent. He killed every male, female, and co-dependents.One female, Lolitia, put her son in a basket and said, "We had a good run." She then placed the basket on the water..it sank immediately. She then picked up the baby and placed him on a nearby piece of drift wood, which sank again. Tired and wanting to go home and watch Regis Live, Lolita picked up her baby, who was at the tender age of 35, and told him with all her love, "You're on your own." and threw him into the air and ran away. The baby laned on the boat of Queen Ling, she picked up the baby and said, "You will be my son, and your name shall be Prince Michael II."
Skip to two months later...
It was now the year a bunch of numbers B.C.(E.) and baby Prince Micheal II was all grown up. He had an older brother named Tom. He also had to more brothers named Dick and Harry, but they aren't in this story. One day his father said, "Oy vey, my sons. I've done a bunch of stuff at was maschugana. I even killed most of the *People of Hebrew Descent*. That was nichts giet. "
This hurt Prince Michael II and he quickly ran into the desert with with nothing but $5,000 cash, a Mercedes Benz, a fully loaded AK-47 (after all his people were from Israel), and his dog Benji. The money was soon gone, street punks stole his car, (The desert was a rough place at night), and his gun was out of ammo. He soon saw a homeless shelter where they were giving away free food, he was forced to eat Benji. (Dont' worry it was kosher.) He then met a woman named Barbara, but everyone called her Babs. It was there that he learned that he was a *Person of Hebrew Descent*. He then became a shepard, it paid shit so he quit and became lord of the Sahara underworld. It paid well, very well. God came to him in the form of a bush. Prince Michael II didn't hear God and threw his cigar at the bush which quickly set on fire. God was screaming and screaming in pain. Prince Michael II put out the fire and God smote him with a lightning bolt. With his hero gone he found another young lad, Moses. He told him to free all of the *People of Hebrew Descent*.
Young Moses went to the pharoah and said, "Let the individual people who are all related through a common heritage go!" Pharoah replied, " Yeah, sure whatever."
"Really?", asked Moses
"Yeah, just take them." said the evil pharoah.
"Ah, great. I um, need some transportation.", Moses said.
"Don't worry. I'll fly you where you need to go, first class. Free of charge.", said the evil pharoah with the black, black heart of stone.
"Thanks." Moses challenged the evil man.
"Don't worry about it, I want to make up for what I did.", retorted the Devil incarnate.
So they all flew to Israel, and that's it. Then when Moses was talking to his biographer the biographer said, "That's boring."
Moses then said, "Then fix, I don't care say that it took 40 years and that we crossed a sea. Say plagues rained down on pharoah, something you're the writer."

The End


Lol I love the addition if the "PC" phrases ... made me giggle lol

mmmmm very original. Another bible basher. Let me ask you... would you openly discriminate against the q'uaran? It seems that it is only christianity in which people can openly slander. I have a challenge for you open the q'uaran, read it and do the same thing you just did to the bible, see what happens then.
It's funny how you can be charged with discrimination but with Christianity people will just nod there heads in agreemnt and laugh because they are just as narrow minded as you.

*Clap Clap*

The Bible. The Real abridged version:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it."

John 3:16-17

mmmmm very original. Another bible basher. Let me ask you... would you openly discriminate against the q'uaran? It seems that it is only christianity in which people can openly slander. I have a challenge for you open the q'uaran, read it and do the same thing you just did to the bible, see what happens then.
It's funny how you can be charged with discrimination but with Christianity people will just nod there heads in agreemnt and laugh because they are just as narrow minded as you.

*Clap Clap*
I am a Christian, so don't play that card. I have read the Qur'an, it's boring.
Here is the Qur'an, the abridged version:
Praise be to Allah
Muhammed, Muhammed
Five Pillars of Islam
Drink Pepsi
There is no god but Allah, his right hand man is Muhammed
Apply the same ending as the Bible
The End


The Story of David and Boss Hog
David was a young boy who lived in a small county in Mississippi. He drove a pinto which is pronounced as piece of crap. One day a man named Boss Hog came with his army of trailer park, gun wiedling, wife-beating existentialists. His second in command was a Kantian named Skinny Lou, he weighed 400 pounds and had to be hauled around in the back of a pick-up truck. They soon drank all the beer in the town, which wasn't much because it was during dry season. Boss Hog soon proclaimed himself mayor. No one dared question him because the last person who tried to fight him, ended up winning but then spontaneouslt combusted. So, the people, being good religious folks and devout followers of the cult of the Raelians, maintained their distance.

David, who wanted to get the hell out of dodge, decided to fight Boss Hog. Why? Because his wife kept nagging him and there is only so much you can take.So he picked up his gun, walked to Boss Hog and pissed himself. He ran home and then went back because his wife said there would be no more sex until Boss Hog was gone.He shot Boss Hog several times in the head and he died. But then god, still a bit woozy from the joint Santa Claus gave him, resurrected Boss Hoh who then became a robot, Mecha Hog who had ten heads, fifty arms, laser eyes, but only one leg. David was scared, very scared but he knew he wouldn't have sex again until he did. He would do anything for that five seconds. He then attacked Mecha Hog, which had very little effect. Mecha Hog then tried to crush him but fell over and landed in the local swimming hole and was electracuted. The people were estatic and were so happy that they said, "Joy..." Then he went home to his wife.

The End

bump

I wonder why there's so much Christian bashing on NS.

To those self-proclaimed Christians who said "I love it" or variations of such:

You should not love that which insults God. You should have a righteous anger toward this blasphemy. Christians should not actively associate or endorse this terrible evil.

To those who so heartily engage in this mockery of God:

You have greatly offended myself, and I am sure that you have offended many others. Your atheist/immoral/God-hating beliefs show through your despicable writings. Rest assured, if your ways do not change, you will indeed face God at the Great White Throne on Judgement Day, and you will be banished into the hell-fires for all eternity. I plead with you to turn from your lives of sin and blasphemy. I shall pray for your souls.

:rolleyes:

mmmmm very original. Another bible basher. Let me ask you... would you openly discriminate against the q'uaran? It seems that it is only christianity in which people can openly slander. I have a challenge for you open the q'uaran, read it and do the same thing you just did to the bible, see what happens then.
It's funny how you can be charged with discrimination but with Christianity people will just nod there heads in agreemnt and laugh because they are just as narrow minded as you.

*Clap Clap*

The Bible. The Real abridged version:

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not send his Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it."

John 3:16-17

Hear Hear!

Low in the Grave He lay
Jesus, my Saviour!
He took my sins away
Jesus, my Lord!

Up from the Grave He Arose!
With a mighty triumph o'er His foes!
He arose the Victor from the Dark Domain
And He lives forever with His Saints to Reign!

He arose! He Arose! Allelujah Christ Arose!

I can sing more if you wish...

--------

Calling all Christians! It's time we make a concerted stand against our maltreatment! We must no longer stand for blatant persecution and stereotyping! Let this be where we finally draw the line in the sand!

(Corny, I know, but we must not sit passively as unscrupulous persons mock our God).

lol lets go.... :mp5:

--------

Calling all Christians! It's time we make a concerted stand against our maltreatment! We must no longer stand for blatant persecution and stereotyping! Let this be where we finally draw the line in the sand!

(Corny, I know, but we must not sit passively as unscrupulous persons mock our God).
If you read further you would have known that I'm a Christian. I just don't see why god has to be put on a pedestal. :rolleyes:



The Book of Revelations
And John had a revalation and it was of the apocalypse. He wrote this vision down which read:

That's great, it starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane -
Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn -
world serves its own needs, don't misserve your own needs. Feed it up a knock,
speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height,
down height. Wire in a fire, represent the seven games in a government for
hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn't coming in a hurry with the furies
breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered
crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population,
common group, but it'll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its
own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the
reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright
light, feeling pretty psyched.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

Six o'clock - TV hour. Don't get caught in foreign tower. Slash and burn,
return, listen to yourself churn. Lock him in uniform and book burning,
blood letting. Every motive escalate. Automotive incinerate. Light a candle,
light a motive. Step down, step down. Watch a heel crush, crush. Uh oh,
this means no fear - cavalier. Renegade and steer clear! A tournament,
a tournament, a tournament of lies. Offer me solutions, offer me alternatives
and I decline.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

The other night I tripped a nice continental drift divide. Mount St. Edelite.
Leonard Bernstein. Leonid Breshnev, Lenny Bruce and Lester Bangs.
Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, boom! You symbiotic, patriotic,
slam, but neck, right? Right.

It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine...fine...

(It's time I had some time alone)

The End

Your all going to die.

Some of these were funny, others not so much. But to all you people putting this person down because of this: You know what? God has a sense of humour, people! Otherwise he wouldn't put up with humans at all! And don't say anything to me about "Oh you're going to go to Hell for this" and "you're a horrible person," and don't accuse me of being atheist (For the record, atheists are very nice people, intelligent, and some of the best friennds I've ever had!) because I'm Roman Catholic, and very devoutly so. For goodness's sake, this is meant as a joke and if you don't like it, DON'T READ IT!

And to the person who wrte these(I forgot your name and be bugged to look it up, sorry): I liked a lot of these. The one about Cain and Abel kinda sucked, but can't win em all. :) Great work on these jokes!

Let me add my own little passage (which actually has basis in the Bible) to your heretical demon book.



The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

Let me add my own little passage (which actually has basis in the Bible) to your heretical demon book.



The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
I like Pulp Fiction too!

Thank you, Suiiki. This is a joke, to liven up the place. I don't think I wrote Cain and Abel, that was New Genoa. :)

And when his eyes go dead, the hell I send him to will seem like heaven after what I've done to him.

points for getting the quotation :D
Wassat from? It sounds like Event Horizon to me. :rolleyes:

Wassat from? It sounds like Event Horizon to me. :rolleyes:
Zing!

All I can say is ...wow. Do more! :p
wow do more indeed :p

if this is original it needs its own website... that can be shut down by angry bible-bashers;)
its all part of the fun!

You know what? God has a sense of humour, people! Otherwise he wouldn't put up with humans at all! And don't say anything to me about "Oh you're going to go to Hell for this" and "you're a horrible person," and don't accuse me of being atheist (For the record, atheists are very nice people, intelligent, and some of the best friennds I've ever had!) because I'm Roman Catholic, and very devoutly so. For goodness's sake, this is meant as a joke and if you don't like it, DON'T READ IT!

And to the person who wrte these(I forgot your name and be bugged to look it up, sorry): I liked a lot of these. The one about Cain and Abel kinda sucked, but can't win em all. :) Great work on these jokes!

God does have a sense of humour, but the line between humour and humiliation is a fine one. God does not tolerate blasphemy, as much as you detest discrimination and insults towards yourself.

Can you say to a black person: "Oi, if you don't like my racist comments, don't listen to me"? It's the same reasoning. No preaching, just logic.

Wassat from? It sounds like Event Horizon to me. :rolleyes:
actually it was from Sin City :p

I'd quote that great speech from the Satan character in 'Devil's advocate' but all I can remember is:

"GOD, is an ABSENTEE LANDLORD!"

Anyway, someone do the Bible from Satan's point of view!


PS: Anyone pray for my soul and I'll make sure Cthulhlu eats you first.

God does have a sense of humour, but the line between humour and humiliation is a fine one. God does not tolerate blasphemy, as much as you detest discrimination and insults towards yourself.

Can you say to a black person: "Oi, if you don't like my racist comments, don't listen to me"? It's the same reasoning. No preaching, just logic.

You know what is funny God just called me on the phone and he said he loved this thread. It ranks up there with the faces people make during sex according to him. :rolleyes:

I wonder why there's so much Christian bashing on NS.

To those self-proclaimed Christians who said "I love it" or variations of such:

You should not love that which insults God. You should have a righteous anger toward this blasphemy. Christians should not actively associate or endorse this terrible evil.

To those who so heartily engage in this mockery of God:

You have greatly offended myself, and I am sure that you have offended many others. Your atheist/immoral/God-hating beliefs show through your despicable writings. Rest assured, if your ways do not change, you will indeed face God at the Great White Throne on Judgement Day, and you will be banished into the hell-fires for all eternity. I plead with you to turn from your lives of sin and blasphemy. I shall pray for your souls.
Wow, get out much?

Some of these were funny, others not so much. But to all you people putting this person down because of this: You know what? God has a sense of humour, people! Otherwise he wouldn't put up with humans at all! And don't say anything to me about "Oh you're going to go to Hell for this" and "you're a horrible person," and don't accuse me of being atheist (For the record, atheists are very nice people, intelligent, and some of the best friennds I've ever had!) because I'm Roman Catholic, and very devoutly so. For goodness's sake, this is meant as a joke and if you don't like it, DON'T READ IT!

And to the person who wrte these(I forgot your name and be bugged to look it up, sorry): I liked a lot of these. The one about Cain and Abel kinda sucked, but can't win em all. :) Great work on these jokes!


I adore you.

God does not tolerate blasphemy,...
Um, oops?

Wait, is the purpose of religion to use scare tactics to force people to believe what you do? I mean, why else would people believe in a 2000 year old fairy tale?

PS: Anyone pray for my soul and I'll make sure Cthulhlu eats you first.

No, no no! You want Cthulhu to eat them last. Then they suffer through the chaos, terror, and torment that is the return of the Elder Gods. Only those who give of themselves to the Dread Lord shall be eaten first, and spared the tribulations!

God does have a sense of humour, but the line between humour and humiliation is a fine one. God does not tolerate blasphemy, as much as you detest discrimination and insults towards yourself.

Can you say to a black person: "Oi, if you don't like my racist comments, don't listen to me"? It's the same reasoning. No preaching, just logic.

Yes, but don't you find little kids wandering around saying, while looking very serious, 'You're a big poo-poo head' amusing? If I were God, I'd alternate between finding it all very funny, and weeping for the state of the world if people can disbelieve so.

(Note that I'm not saying God necessarily exists, or that he doesn't)

The Good Samaratan
Louie was a loan shark, not just any loan shark. Okay, that was a lie to make it more interesting. In reality Louie was a just an honest person trying to make his way. He never did anything wrong and kept his office honourable. He was a politician. He lived in a modest community. It was a quiet gated community, but it was still modest housing none the less. He drove an inconspicious vehicle. It was a bright red Diablo. His wife was a kind woman and brought new meaning to the term golddigger. She wasn't lazy though. It took alot of energy to smoke five packs of Virginia Slims a day. Her mother had lung cancer, her father had lung cancer, she has lung cancer, her brother had lung cancer, but oddly enough she doesn't have lung cancer.

One day when Louie was off to work his car ran out of gas. With this he prayed for god to fill up his gas tank. God is always there to help and after he finished praying he checked the gas tank and it was filled with water. Louie was angry but didn't insult god, rather he ran screaming down the road. Three people were down the road. When Louie came near them they gave him a vicious look. They then broke out into a song and dance routine from Hello, Dolly!. This scared him so he beat them all near to death with a mallet.He then ran away. The were there for three days until a kind man named *Muhammed Abu Ibn Kaleed Jabar Ali Sudan Qumar Abdul Suliman Faarooq Izz-Udeen Mujaahid Qasim Omar Rashid Raamiz Waliyullah Zaahir Smith* came along. On seeing them, Muhammed Abu Ibn Kaleed Jabar Ali Sudan Qumar Abdul Suliman Faarooq Izz-Udeen Mujaahid Qasim Omar Rashid Raamiz Waliyullah Zaahir Smith helped them. After six long minutes of recooperation, they asked him, "Kind neighbour, what is your name?" To which he replied," Muhammed Abu Ibn Kaleed Jabar Ali Sudan Qumar Abdul Suliman Faarooq Izz-Udeen Mujaahid Qasim Omar Rashid Raamiz Waliyullah Zaahir Smith."
"Mr, uh, Smith thank you."
"Just call me Steppenwolf."
"Steppenwolf, thank you."
The End

I LOVE it, but it's kind of stupid of you to post it, because a lot of people are going to be offended and yell at you, which I could understand.


The Enlightened One, Gir

I agree with the sentiment, but for a different reason.

He could have published it. There's a market for this sort of thing.
Like "Everything Men Know About Women," or "The Only Computer Book That Will Never Become Obselete." (two books that are completly blank.)

I wonder why there's so much Christian bashing on NS.

To those self-proclaimed Christians who said "I love it" or variations of such:

You should not love that which insults God. You should have a righteous anger toward this blasphemy. Christians should not actively associate or endorse this terrible evil.

To those who so heartily engage in this mockery of God:

You have greatly offended myself, and I am sure that you have offended many others. Your atheist/immoral/God-hating beliefs show through your despicable writings. Rest assured, if your ways do not change, you will indeed face God at the Great White Throne on Judgement Day, and you will be banished into the hell-fires for all eternity. I plead with you to turn from your lives of sin and blasphemy. I shall pray for your souls.

As for your first part, I must agree with you. This isn't even remotely funny. However, what is here is just... stupid. I can't find anything really histarical about this, just a bunch of stupid rambling that has nothing to do with the Bible at all. Really, this is quite shameful(Not to mention once more stupid).

Second, I'm agnostic(No religion). Just thought I'd point that out.

I'd have to agree that there's too much Christian bashing on NS (and the world for that matter). Still though, nothing wrong with spoofs. People laugh themselves all the time. Though some are far from funny, I did like the first one because its goofy nature says that it's a pure attempt at comedy, or the poster is a complete fucktard. I chose the primer.