NationStates Jolt Archive

I have reason to believe that my brother, a freshman in high school, might be gay. I don't think my parents know about this, and discovering this information has really shooken me up. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die. This topic is not a flamebait, and that statement, ignorant or not, is not the point of the topic. I am begging you, please do not dwell on it. What I need to know is, where do I go from here? Do I confront him about it? I would greatly appreciate advice on this from everyone, especially Christians or people that have gone through a situation like this before. I really have no clue what to do...

I have reason to believe that my brother, a freshman in high school, might be gay. I don't think my parents know about this, and discovering this information has really shooken me up. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die. This topic is not a flamebait, and that statement, ignorant or not, is not the point of the topic. I am begging you, please do not dwell on it. What I need to know is, where do I go from here? Do I confront him about it? I would greatly appreciate advice on this from everyone, especially Christians or people that have gone through a situation like this before. I really have no clue what to do...

Confront him, but remember, it is God who judges, not you.... And it is God who saves, not you...

Well, I would say to you, first and foremost, that if God has a problem with homosexuals, then it's just that. His business. As such, it shouldn't affect your life or your attitudes towards your brother one bit. Secondly, if your brother is not Christian, then acting like your beliefs are fact will not help matters at all. So if it turns out to be the case, then you should be accepting. it's not your place to judge, Christian or not.

I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die.
First, I would not ask him yet, because it's clear you wouldn't deal with it very well. Which is why, asked the question (assuming he is gay), he would probably lie to you about it. He can't possibly tell anyone the truth unless he feels safe doing so.

This bit I quoted shows that the problem really isn't with him. It's with you. Why would you believe that homosexuals will go to hell? What have they done to deserve it? Does your brother deserve it? What kind of god would make your brother gay and then torment him for eternity for it?

What did I say, Cabinia? I said not to bring that up as a part of your answer. Stay out of my thread.

I have reason to believe that my brother, a freshman in high school, might be gay. I don't think my parents know about this, and discovering this information has really shooken me up. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die. This topic is not a flamebait, and that statement, ignorant or not, is not the point of the topic. I am begging you, please do not dwell on it. What I need to know is, where do I go from here? Do I confront him about it? I would greatly appreciate advice on this from everyone, especially Christians or people that have gone through a situation like this before. I really have no clue what to do...
What will be accomplished if you confront him? Be available for him to talk to you and display the compassion Jesus commanded you to display toward all people.

I'm a Buddhist, and believe that my brother (like all modern Christians) will probably wind up wandering aimlessly in fear and need in the Bardo... but I wouldn't take it upon myself to convince him that I'm right, and he's wrong.

Of course, I got saved a long time ago, so I guess I'm just covered all around. Lucky me. :rolleyes:

Either way, it's really not your place to try and out your brother. In 9th grade, he probably has no clue about what he plans to do with his newfound penis.

Let it be, and if you keep open and stay close to him then he'll let you know when the time comes.

He doesn't owe you an explaination about his sexuality any more than you owe him one concerning your heterosexuality.

A brother's place is NOT in his sibling's bedroom.

Whatever you do, make sure your actions are based on your love for your brother.

Well, you can say that your beliefs are not the point of the topic. But you're wrong. If you have a belief that will cause conflict with your brother, then the only possible recourse is to reconsider that belief. I simply posed rhetorical questions to aid in that reconsideration. Either you will reconcile homosexuality with your religious beliefs, or you will not. Whatever conclusions you come to are your own.

However, I have to say that, given the closed-minded hostility of your response, I don't think you're equipped to deal with this conflict, in which case you probably should leave your brother alone.

What exactly makes you think he's gay? Chances are if he is, and hasn't yet told you, he's not comfortable doing so yet. It's better to let him come out in his own terms rather than pull off the blanket without warning.

(It took 6 500 Internal Server Errors to make this post.)

I do love my brother, though--thats the thing. I feel that by doing nothing, I'm just letting him slide into a path that would ultimatley lead him to hell.

I realize that I sound exactly like the stereotypical redneck neo-Conservative hardcore Christian, but my beliefs are what they are. I'm so confused right now--I do not want to be condemning of his beliefs, and I wouldn't be condemning, but I do feel that he would go to hell. Regardless, I would be nice to him, just like all of you have said. He is my brother, after all.

Stick a dildo in his ear while passing him at the dinner table and if he giggles in front of your parents, they'll take care of it.

Naw jk. How about rather than worrying about confronting him about it, you just ask him blatently between the 2 of you if he likes boys and if you're honestly concerned yet not overworked about it, then you shouldn't have that automatic tendency to laugh or have a smirk. After that, remember that teens are weird and do weird things. He'll grow up and be OK.

A brother's place is NOT in his sibling's bedroom.

'cause that's a whole nother can of worms :D

I'm guessing you're older sib. yes? Do you remember the wonderfully confusing things hormones did to your libido? As young as he is your bro is facing the society that says gay and metrosexual is ok vs. family values saying no, that is not our way. He will need to work this out. If he is gay, he will be working this out for a very long time. If he is straight it will resolve into him being a snappy dressy with good taste in music.

If your brother chooses to confide in you, don't destroy him by telling him it's a sin. He knows this. Right now you need to decide which you love more; your brother as he is, or the perfect brother you might like to have.
Go with downmarching void, whatever you decide, decide in love. Screw hate the sin, love the sinner...just love.

I take it you also believe that homosexuality is a "choice" that can be "cured?" If so, don't even bother trying to convince your brother that his "choice" is evil - it's not a choice, and can't be "fixed." If he's gay, he's gay. If there's a god and he hates gay people, he's a crap god, since he made us. A perfect being can only create perfection, hence regardless of sexuality he's still perfect in the eyes of god. If he goes to hell for being true to himself, sucks for him, but I'm sure he'll have plenty of male "friends" there.

...Wow that sentence was laden with a lot of sarcasm. Apologies.

I have reason to believe that my brother, a freshman in high school, might be gay. I don't think my parents know about this, and discovering this information has really shooken me up. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die. This topic is not a flamebait, and that statement, ignorant or not, is not the point of the topic. I am begging you, please do not dwell on it. What I need to know is, where do I go from here? Do I confront him about it? I would greatly appreciate advice on this from everyone, especially Christians or people that have gone through a situation like this before. I really have no clue what to do...
Why woudl you think your brother is gay? Has he told you? Has he expressed attraction towards a male? Perhaps he wants to see Mr and Mrs Smith to oggle Brad Pitt instead of Angelina? What is it? Did you catch him making out with one of his buddies?

And really, if your religion commands that all homosexuals go to hell, then there's something fucked up with it right there.

I have reason to believe that my brother, a freshman in high school, might be gay. I don't think my parents know about this, and discovering this information has really shooken me up. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die. This topic is not a flamebait, and that statement, ignorant or not, is not the point of the topic. I am begging you, please do not dwell on it. What I need to know is, where do I go from here? Do I confront him about it? I would greatly appreciate advice on this from everyone, especially Christians or people that have gone through a situation like this before. I really have no clue what to do...

Well, assuming for the moment you are correct and he is gay...

He's your brother, and you love him don't you? Be open and honest with yourself, you still love him, but you're worried about him.

Be there for him if he needs you. Remember, what you are worried about is him, not some larger social-political issue here. You don't want to scare him away, you don't him to hate himself, and you don't want to lie to yourself or him about your feelings.

You don't like the fact that he's homosexual, but you can't do anything about it...Hate sin and not the sinner, and all that.

Be there for him, support him, but I would advise that you shouldn't lie to him about your feelings. If he asks, let him know you have a problem with his choice, but that it won't get in the way of your love for him. If he DOESN'T ask, I would suggest that you leave the subject for him to broach.

Pray for him, and if it gets too much to bear, find someone you can trust to talk to about it.

For the most part I would suggest you wait and see. Pushing the issue is not going to help much. Moreover, if you are confrontational, you'll push him away. Concentrate being a good brother, and let him know how you feel if he comes to you for advice. Good luck with it.

Sexual orientation is not a choice, you know.

I wouldn't confront him. He should be the only one that decides when to tell his family about it, and if he doesn't feel comfortable telling you about it, or if he just doesn't want or need advice or support from his family, then confronting him will probably only make your relationship with him worse. If you do just walk up to him and ask him if he's gay and it turns out that he actually tells you he is, then things may never be the same between you two. That's not always good. If you ask him if he's gay and it turns out that he's not, he'll probably be insulted that you ask and as a result he'll probably be self-conscious when ever he's around men. That's always bad. It's possible that he would be relieved to have a brother to talk to, but there's too many other likely outcomes for you to take a chance on that being the case. Think of it this way: aside from the outcome where he's happy that you asked him, what good would come from knowing for sure?

Don't confront him, don't probe him, don't ever mention the possibility of him being gay. And don't go judging. That's what I would do if I was in your shoes.

Well here: Let's say your brother is gay, and he goes to hell, you go to heaven, you'd want to be sad for him because he went to hell, but you're in heaven so you're forced to be happy, even though you want to be sad.

There is a big loophole in the bible about homosexuality, though. (Correct me if this isn't the exact verse, I'm getting the quote from thebricktestament.com, haha)
Do not have sex with a man as you would with a woman. It is an abomination.

Technicly, all it mentions is sex. And quite frankly, unless your brother has already lost his virginity to a woman, he's clear. Just being really, really, literal without going into PG13. Yargh.

What is most important: Don't turn this into an example that Christian believes can cause pain and misery.

As a 17 year old who has a brother who is gay - let me offer you some advice.

1) Don't ask him about it. He's probably confused himself about how to bring it up in the family, and forcing him to do it before he is ready isn't fair.

2) Be conscious of what he is feeling, if you have - as you say - been brought up in a family where homosexualism is frowned upon, then you must appreciate that he is probably very scared about what your parents will think.

3) Be around him. If and when he 'comes out', it will most likely be to close friends or his siblings before he informs your parents. Be understanding, don't condemn.

4) Whatever your own personal views, you must accept that this is the path he has chosen. It's not a disease, it's not genetic - it's merely another outlook on life.

5) I don't personally believe that God hates homosexuals, but I know people who do. What I say to them is that God teaches us to be kind and loving to each other, and not to attack others. When the Final Judgement comes, when the Lake of Fire is cast asunder, it will be the Lord himself who comes to judge the living and the dead. Live your life as a good moral person, honour your brother as you would any person, and God will not judge you harshly yourself if he does 'hate' homosexuals.

6) Most importantly - and I think this is the most serious - you MUST be supportive of your brother. It is his choice - he's probably had to reconcile within himself a number of demons. Help him, by listening.

He's still your brother, after all.

Ok Teranius, my first recomendation is do NOT give him the speal of if he is gay that he is going to hell. This is the number one way to anger people, tear appart friendships, and tear appart families. You need to repect his views as he respects yours. Would it matter if he is gay? Would that change your opinion of him? Would that change the love you obviously have for your brother? I would recomend that you just let it go, if he comes to you about it, listen to him and understand that this is how he wishes to live his life. It would be sad and petty to let something like his sexuality come between or turn you against each other.

I really have no clue what to do...
Is your love for your brother not unconditional?

I have reason to believe that my brother, a freshman in high school, might be gay. I don't think my parents know about this, and discovering this information has really shooken me up. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die. This topic is not a flamebait, and that statement, ignorant or not, is not the point of the topic. I am begging you, please do not dwell on it. What I need to know is, where do I go from here? Do I confront him about it? I would greatly appreciate advice on this from everyone, especially Christians or people that have gone through a situation like this before. I really have no clue what to do...

Honestly is always the best policy, Teranius. If you have concern over your brother's sexual orientation, simply ask him. He will be honest with you if he understands your inquiry comes from a loving and caring place. Be prepared to accept whatever answer he provides; remember that asking a question means that you are genuinely interested in an honest answer---not necessarily a particular answer.

As someone who has a gay relative, I can tell you that it was difficult balancing my personal feelings about homosexuality with my love for my cousin. I talked with him about it, and he explained that he had to finally be honest with himself about his feelings. I came to realize that I was judging him by a single characteristic; something which was unfair to him as a person. He was and still is the person I loved since the time we were children. While I still cannot agree with his public practice of sexual preference, I understand now that it was never my place to make that decision for him. He is my cousin and I love him. Period.

Finally, your religious beliefs may come into conflict with your feelings for your brother. Noone can answer for you which of those potentially conflicting feelings should take precedence. I can only wish you the very best of success in resolving what portends to be a very difficult emotional time for you and all the members of your family.

I do love my brother, though--thats the thing. I feel that by doing nothing, I'm just letting him slide into a path that would ultimatley lead him to hell.
In my opinion there is nothing you can do to prevent him being homosexual. Just remain loving and supportive of him and I think that things will be alright.

I have reason to believe that my brother, a freshman in high school, might be gay. I don't think my parents know about this, and discovering this information has really shooken me up. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die. This topic is not a flamebait, and that statement, ignorant or not, is not the point of the topic. I am begging you, please do not dwell on it. What I need to know is, where do I go from here? Do I confront him about it? I would greatly appreciate advice on this from everyone, especially Christians or people that have gone through a situation like this before. I really have no clue what to do...

My serious advice to you is get some different beliefs. Preferably rational ones.

I have reason to believe that my brother, a freshman in high school, might be gay. I don't think my parents know about this, and discovering this information has really shooken me up. I am a Christian who believes that homosexuals will go to hell when they die. This topic is not a flamebait, and that statement, ignorant or not, is not the point of the topic. I am begging you, please do not dwell on it. What I need to know is, where do I go from here? Do I confront him about it? I would greatly appreciate advice on this from everyone, especially Christians or people that have gone through a situation like this before. I really have no clue what to do...
You could adopt the position many Christians have, "love the sinner, hate the sin". Remember that your "god" loves all "his" "children".

i am taking you at your word that this is a serious thread and that you want real advice

i am a 48 year old mother. i know stuff. i want you to consider my advice seriously because i am giving you my best advice

first of all dont confront him. he is ....13? 14? he is not ready for the discussion. and you may do more harm than good.

either he is gay or he isnt eh? if he is, he is and all you can do is give him your best advice when he asks you what he should do about it. after all its not the BEING gay that is a sin, its the actual having gay sex that is the sin. he is in no big danger until he gets that far.....(if you think that an older gay boy or man is making advances toward him, you may confront THAT person)

anyway if he IS gay, it can wait. he has a long way to go before hes ready to talk about it.

and if he ISNT gay? if he is just horny and confused? (remember those days when everything made you horny? when even the dog started looking pretty good?) just suggesting to him that he may be gay, especially if he hasnt considered it, might send him into a doubt so serious that he decides you might be right and he starts experimenting with being gay. you are his older brother and if YOU think he's gay, you could convince him that its true. not enough to make him live the gay lifestyle forever but enough to have him experiment with gay sex--the sin you are hoping to keep him from.

even straight guys have had gay twinges from time to time, or have deep admiration for certain men that can feel like love. he may have had some of these feelings and your suggestion can make them seem more serious than they are.

if you are worried about him because he acts a bit feminine, GROW UP. men dont all need to be macho in order to be straight. "feminine" men grow up get married and make wonderful husbands and fathers. its no big deal.

your brother has had the same upbringing as you have. he knows what is and isnt a sin. keep an eye on him. if he IS gay, he may sink into a depression from the despair of knowing his whole family will hate him when they find out. suicide is way too common for gay teens. you dont want to lose your brother. he may need your support and your unjudging love just to live long enough to decide how he wants to live his life.

I thought the OP requested that we NOT turn this into a flaming thread? Insulting God and Christianity does constitute a flame.

I think at this time you everyones life we're confused about who and what we want to be-- If it ever comes up the tell him whatever you will love it. Until then, really just stay out of it. Pray to God for guidance, but remember its really up to God if your brother will go to hell or not. Times have changed who knows what God feels now. Its not up to you anyway..

It is up to you to love and care and always be there for your brother. As a only child I would give anything to have a love of a bro or sister.. something you are so lucky to have.

And just dont sweat it.. you have your won issues to deal with :) dont add his to yours.

If you believe that all gays are going to hell, then it is because of the environment you grew up in. Like it or not, we are all the product of the people we interact with, and most importantly who is authority when we are young. Because of the fact that your brother would have grown up in the same house as you, he probably has a similar view on homosexuals. As a result, if he is gay, he's probably really, really confused right now, perhaps even in denial. For this reason I don't think you should confront him on it. He has to work it out for himself, and revealing it to his family should be his choice. If he ever did come to you, I think you should urge him to go to your parents, but in the end it is his decision.