NationStates Jolt Archive

Ha! I got to be the first to post this...

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

SO not the first.

I haven't seen this, I hope it's not true simply because if someone is responsible for a machine that carries hundreds of people and it goes wrong because of silly buggering about something isn't done that should have been it could fuck up in a major way.

Qantas had fatal accidents long ago, but since the 1950's they have had only non-fatal accidents.

Qantas had fatal accidents long ago, but since the 1950's they have had only non-fatal accidents.

I think you'll find that QANTAS its self is fatality free, and that the fatalities are from minor airlines QANTAS owns/ed, usually small regional airlines.

These are very old (although still very funny) and very similar t reports I've logged working on ground radar's.
Users (pilots, air controllers etc.) are seen as the enemy somewhat and will always report stupid faults, sometimes just to bunk off work. We engineers respond in kind by making stupid reports. It's a good game.

A quick glance through my log book shows:

Operator: Monitor is blank.
Engineer: Switch it on!

Operator: computer will not switch on
Engineer: 200 benson and hedges cigarettes in PC
( bensons are wrapped in gold foil. Foil and pointy motherboard solder tips = major short circuits).

Operator: Floppy drive will not work.
Engineer: removed 2 inch washer from drive.

Alright, not quite as funny but easily just as stupid

Why does the civil aviation company Qantas need Indentify Friend or Foe (IFF?)

PS: I wonder if these notes are real but not in fact from Qantas but rather from a military aviation organization.

Why does the civil aviation company Qantas need Indentify Friend or Foe (IFF?)

PS: I wonder if these notes are real but not in fact from Qantas but rather from a military aviation organization.

Good point.

lol

the listed quotes are something I first saw in the "Humour in Uniform" section of Reader's Digest in the mid-eighties (gramma had a subscription, and it was the only thing available to read when I visited...) It's been attributed in the Internet to just about every Aviation-type organisation in the world, including

Delta Airlines
Continental Airlines
British Airways
British Air Force
USAF
Air France
US Airways
JAL (Japan Air Lines)
KAL (Korean)
Virgin-Atlantic
Quantas
Eastern Airlines*
Air Canada
U.S. Navy
Lufthansa
Aeroflot
The French, Russian, German, Italian, Royal Canadian, and Belgian Air Forces.

I suspect the truth is that the original list came from the USAF during the Cold war, but I've read speculation that it actually dates back to the Second World War, with systems and faults added over time.

IIRC, No less than "Snopes" has done a piece on this bit to find out where it began, but I can't find it on their site...

{*Defunct Airline, shut down because of maintenance issues.}