NationStates Jolt Archive


The funteamentals of what it is to be Christian.

Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 14:42
Following on from:
Exposing the hypocrisy of Christian's tea. (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showthread.php?t=373336)

I have decided to outline the three basic funteamentals of Christian's beliefs.

1) Tea should not be corrupted with bovine hormones or carbohydrate additions.
2) Cooked Fish is a delicacy to be reserved for the death of Christian's mother-in-law.
3) Everything that can go wrong will go wrong, and you'll be left with a pain in the balls.

I realise that these are only the basics but I'm leaving you these three morsels to debate for now. I may decide to add more later.
Neo-Anarchists
30-05-2005, 14:44
This thread is officially 235% better than the other one.
Anarchic Conceptions
30-05-2005, 14:48
:mad: grrrr.

Give me coffee or give me death.
Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 14:50
:mad: grrrr.

Give me coffee or give me death.

Death it is!
Greedy Pig
30-05-2005, 15:19
Tea should be used in more ways than just a drink.

Like using it in cooking meat! Yum.
Bvimb VI
30-05-2005, 16:07
:mad: grrrr.

Give me coffee or give me death.

Would you like some milk in your death?
Anarchic Conceptions
30-05-2005, 16:31
Would you like some milk in your death?

Ugh, no.

Maybe some sugar.
Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 16:43
Ugh, no.

Maybe some sugar.

How about cake?
Anarchic Conceptions
30-05-2005, 16:47
How about cake?


Hmm, coffee or cake and death.


I'll have to think about that.
The Noble Men
30-05-2005, 16:50
*Singing*
Who loves Hot Chocolate?
Everybody loves Hot Chocolate!
Nobody hates Hot Chocolate!
'Cause everybody loves Hot Chocolate!

Oh, yeah!
Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 16:58
*Singing*
Who loves Hot Chocolate?
Everybody loves Hot Chocolate!
Nobody hates Hot Chocolate!
'Cause everybody loves Hot Chocolate!

Oh, yeah!

Christian would have some pretty fundamental punishments for hot-chocolateers.
The Noble Men
30-05-2005, 17:03
Christian would have some pretty fundamental punishments for hot-chocolateers.

Like what?
Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 17:06
Like what?

Lots and lots of boiling oil.

According to Daisy V5, Chapter 9 and V6:

Thou shallt not suffer a hot chocolateer to live.

Wouldst thou punish a hot-chocolateer with a righteous dunking in boiling oil, thou should receive plenty of young virgins in heaven.
Aldisia
30-05-2005, 17:09
How about cake?

Have you by any chance heard Eddie Izzard's "Cake or Death" sketch?
The Noble Men
30-05-2005, 17:10
Lots and lots of boiling oil.

According to Daisy V5, Chapter 9 and V6:

Thou shallt not suffer a hot chocolateer to live.

Wouldst thou punish a hot-chocolateer with a righteous dunking in boiling oil, thou should receive plenty of young virgins in heaven.

What type of oil? Vegetable oil, sunflower oil, olive oil, Olive Oyl, baby oil, crude oil, animal oil...
Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 17:12
Have you by any chance heard Eddie Izzard's "Cake or Death" sketch?

Does Satan wear a gorilla suit and play the ukelele?

What type of oil? Vegetable oil, sunflower oil, olive oil, Olive Oyl, baby oil, crude oil, animal oil...

Yes.
Anarchic Conceptions
30-05-2005, 17:13
Have you by any chance heard Eddie Izzard's "Cake or Death" sketch?

Hasn't everybody?

:)
Aldisia
30-05-2005, 17:17
:) If they haven't, they should have done. Eddie is a legend!
Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 17:52
Even if he is pro-EU?
New Watenho
30-05-2005, 18:03
Because he is pro-EU, I'd have thought...
Anarchic Conceptions
30-05-2005, 18:08
Even if he is pro-EU?

Well, we all have our faults.
Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 18:12
Well, we all have our faults.

Aye, but... John [The Farmer] V34, Chapter 1001 says:

He who takes advantage of his fame to proclaim the love of the European Union shall be smoten with mighty aquabats.
Anarchic Conceptions
30-05-2005, 18:21
Aye, but... John [The Farmer] V34, Chapter 1001 says:

He who takes advantage of his fame to proclaim the love of the European Union shall be smoten with mighty aquabats.

Which translation are you using?
The Noble Men
30-05-2005, 18:21
Does Satan wear a gorilla suit and play the ukelele?

No, he wears a monkey suit and plays the ukelele. Big difference.
Refused Party Program
30-05-2005, 18:22
Which translation are you using?

From the original Vogon into English.
Anarchic Conceptions
30-05-2005, 18:25
From the original Vogon into English.


Ahh, loses something from the original doesn't it.
Letila
30-05-2005, 19:15
The highest commandment in Christianity is to fight Michael Moore and his army of teletubby demons.
New Watenho
30-05-2005, 19:45
Aye, but... John [The Farmer] V34, Chapter 1001 says:

He who takes advantage of his fame to proclaim the love of the European Union shall be smoten with mighty aquabats.

You're using SATAN'S BOOK! The Roman Catealic Church will not stand for this! The translation is "mighty water rodents", which obviously refers to the fish-which-looks-like-a-rodent (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8973504&postcount=5), the Capybara (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capybara). Repent!
Refused Party Program
31-05-2005, 09:48
You're using SATAN'S BOOK! The Roman Catealic Church will not stand for this! The translation is "mighty water rodents", which obviously refers to the fish-which-looks-like-a-rodent (http://forums.jolt.co.uk/showpost.php?p=8973504&postcount=5), the Capybara (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capybara). Repent!

I'm open to interpetration. Personally I think John was really wasted when he wrote that.
Whittier--
31-05-2005, 10:21
Nice spoof. I approve. :D
Refused Party Program
31-05-2005, 10:22
In the word's of Richard Christian Nixon, "I am not a spoof".
Free Soviets
31-05-2005, 16:48
In the word's of Richard Christian Nixon, "I am not a spoof".

nixon was a funteamentalist.

kissinger, on the other hand, likes to stir the blood of children into his tea.
Refused Party Program
31-05-2005, 17:33
kissinger, on the other hand, likes to stir the blood of children into his tea.

Which is fine by Christian as long as the blood sugar levels are low.
New Watenho
31-05-2005, 17:41
Which is fine by Christian as long as the blood sugar levels are low.

So that's why obesity's shooting up in the States! Certain high-ups want a good supply of diabetic kids to drain for their tea!
DoDoBirds
31-05-2005, 17:47
And yet diabetics are generally the fat ones that contribute the epidemic.

OH GOD THE EPIDEMIC!!!
Refused Party Program
31-05-2005, 19:07
I disagree. It is a pandemic which was predicted by Jésus "The Noose" Cortez in PrevelationZ V3, Chapter 69696969:

And lo, the world shall be plagued with overweight diabetic vampyres with the thirst of a gajillion sea-creatures and a million Frank Bunnymen, yo.
New Watenho
31-05-2005, 19:11
And lo, the world shall be plagued with overweight diabetic vampyres with the thirst of a gajillion sea-creatures and a million Frank Bunnymen, yo.

Does this mean the voices in my head are Echoes of the Bunnymen?

Psst! (http://www.bunnymen.com/)
Refused Party Program
31-05-2005, 19:12
Does this mean the voices in my head are Echoes of the Bunnymen?

Psst! (http://www.bunnymen.com/)

Yes. And they feature greatly in Donnie Darko, which was written by the alleged "last prophet" of Christian.
New Watenho
31-05-2005, 19:14
The Book of Donnie, you mean? In which it is stated "Thou shalt not time travel, unless the chick you're saving is really nice"?
Refused Party Program
31-05-2005, 19:17
The Book of Donnie, you mean? In which it is stated "Thou shalt not time travel, unless the chick you're saving is really nice"?

Liar! That was in the revised version!

On the topic of Darko's death:

Darko was not Tea nor a representation of Tea. Darko died to save himself. However, this should not disuade followers from using his life as an example and him as a role model to fend away the temptations that The D'jim brings.

Or at least, I interpret this as the intention of the Book.
Saint Curie
31-05-2005, 20:01
I hope you all understand that you are putting your souls in mortal danger by refusing to acknowledge the superlative sacrosanctitudation of the One True Tea Faith, as delivered to the corporate board of Celestial Seasonings by the angel Rasberry Zinger.

Remember the words of Rasberry Zinger:

"There is no tea but Celestial Seasonings, and Earl Grey is for effete pooftahs."

The angel Zinger is currently receiving sensitivity training, btw.
Refused Party Program
01-06-2006, 15:34
The angel Zinger is currently receiving sensitivity training, btw.

Pervert!!