NationStates Jolt Archive

Me.

I actually am not that fond of 'personal' threads, so-I guess, feel free to blast me for making one of these whiny wastes of time. If you keep reading you'll have plenty of fodder.

So, I'm finishing a year of grad work after working my way through college, getting my BA last year at the age of 32. I may not be getting an actual degree, but I kinda did what I wanted in this year and the loans are mine, so I was okay with it. I worked my way through a lot of crap, some homelessness and other nonsense and finally finished. But that was a year ago, I did this year to get an opportunity to do somethings I thought was needed.

But that's coming to an end. For the last 10 years I have driven a '67 VW Bus, which has had it's problems but I love it-I even made my first documentary about it. I have been very vocal about 'the promise.' She gets me through college and I restore her when I get a job. (She's not all that aware I studied film and not likely to get a job I couldn't have gotten before the degree...) I have always been this way about the cars I drive. The one before this was a Porsche 914.

I'm in my 30s. I don't ask for anything I don't need and even then I tend not to ask for anything. I got myself to the various places in my life and I have to get myself out of them or fall back in. And, for fucks sake-at some point man, you gotta take care of yourself even if you suck at it.

So, I got in this festival that, ironically, showed the film about my bus as well as some other stuff I did (a short play, some graphics, etc.). My mother, who is well meaning, showed up with something very unexpected-

A 1985 VW Vanagon.

This is an amazingly generous gester, and entirely well intentioned. And not something I am prepared to deal with in the slightest. My bus, the one I've had for ten years, has her problems but she is functional-and it's not vans I like, it's vintage buses. But it's not the type of car-she could have shown up with a brand new Porsche Turbo and I'd still be in the same place, there is not a 'something else' I want. My bus is a hassle sometimes, but it is my bus. I'm finally through college, and I know she wants to do something to make things easier but I can't deal with one car very well, much less two. And I'm put in the position to get rid of something that I love, that is mine, that I've filmed love poems to. I can't do it.

What's worse-I think my brother deserves that van way more than I do. He has taken on so much responsability, is raising a son-he is a rock solid cat and someone I admire a great deal. But I am the oldest, the prodigal. Despite a life time of evidence, to the family is convinced I am destined to greatness. Anything I do is blown all out of porportion and my brothers often far better achievements are passing mentions. When he was married he was taking care of his wifes 4 kids and running a band and a number of other responsabilities he took on and bought a large truck to deal with it. At 12 mpg, he is being crushed by that truck that he no longer needs, and he can't get out from underneath it. He deserves that van, and needs that van more than I do. But to give it to him, my mom is going to take it as an insult. But, really...

I don't deserve a van, I don't believe in giving a car for doing something like what I have done, and my next car I want to be mine-something I earned and bought myself. And I can't help but feel that this makes me a horrible person. At the very least, an ungrateful bastard. I'm trying to move (have to move) and find a job and...I'm just not in the position right now to take on the responsability of another car, even if I was going to just get rid of a car that I am as tied to as my VW.

I'm a bastard. Flagelate at will. (fortunately I think this is way too long and pointless to read, but I got it all out-which has some value.)

uh
why not talk to your mother about it?

uh
why not talk to your mother about it?
Honestly, just working out how to do it without her taking it as a slap in her face. My brother actually understood the problem and tried to talk her out of it before she did it and she didn't understand, did it anyway. I can't accept something I didn't earn and don't need (and she's not 'well off' enough that she can be giving gifts like this anyway). I will eventually talk to her, and I just can't take that van. But I'm a little ambushed. So I whined here because honestly I didn't need reasurance-I kinda feel like I need someone to agree that I'm a fucking asshole...I guess. I don't know. I really just wasted your time and for that I'm sorry.

Nobody forced us to read it, you know. ;)

Ouch. Hard situation. But maybe you are being an asshole, at least inasmuch as your mom made a scarifice for you and you want nothing to do with it. But even Buddha condoned returning an unwanted gift. The onus is on the giver, not the receiver, and the giver takes it upon themselves, not at the request of someone else. Maybe if you'd been more vocal about not wanting anything but your beloved VW bus beforehand, you wouldn't be in this situation. But rubbing salt in your own wound isn't a bright idea. There is no classy way to break the news to your mom, so you'll just have to be honest.

On the other hand, its the thought that counts, so you better be damn well grateful for that at least.

Why don't you just show her all that you wrote above?

I know how my mom would react. She would be disappointed because she meant well and was - a bit - proud of herself to have found something that you really might need and that she was able to get that for you. So I think it is really really important to show her how much you appreciate the thought...

On the other hand, its the thought that counts, so you better be damn well grateful for that at least.
Certianly going to have to be honest. It was just hard to do-when someone hands you keys to a new car, there's only one reaction people are looking for. And I'm a little bit of a coward, I didn't want to turn a good day bad.


I think my pain on this comes from knowing that this is a loving, kind, generous and by all measures well meaning gester. It is an act of love. Which makes turning it away almost akin to turning away love.

Thank you, by the way.

Tough situation, I understand how you feel about the bus, something your mother probably doesn't. You know you have to talk to her about it.

A suggestion on how to handle that is play on your emotional attachment to the 67. It'll make it less a slap in the face to her. Make it more about you, how you feel about the old buss. Then bring up your brother, ask your mother for permission to give the vanagon to him, tell her what you put down here, how you feel he needs and deserves it. Trust me, a parent can't help but feel pride when their offspring shows that kind of selflessness. You can do it, just go in prepared.

So I whined here because honestly I didn't need reasurance-I kinda feel like I need someone to agree that I'm a fucking asshole...I guess. I don't know. I really just wasted your time and for that I'm sorry.

Well, you're not an asshole or you wouldn't be thinking seriously about responsibilities and obligations. Just explain how you feel to your Mom, chances are good she'll understand. And she'll understand you better as a person. And that will please her.

I'm a bastard. Flagelate at will.

First off, you are not a bastard. If you were, you wouldn't think twice about it, you'ld take the bus and run. But you haven't.

Unfortunately, there is only one way to do this. Be honest. Don't lie about it, but don't be brutal. Say something like "Mum, I appreciate the gesture, but..." before explaining why the bus is your "baby"and why the brother needs it more and she should understand.

With that out of the way, you should also tell her how you feel about being put in the limelight as the preferred child, and how it makes you uncomfortable. Use the van as an example.

Best of luck.

I don't mean to pry, but does the element of [your mother and] your past and present financial situation play a major factor in this, and if so, would you mind elaborating on them?

I totally understand where you're coming from. I have one of those mothers that TRY to do good and get me things, but they are things SHE likes... it's almost like you appriciate the geature, but are a bit offended that they don't know you well enough to get you something you would like. (Sometimes she buys me things that would reflect what she wants me to be on purpose, which I find deeply offensive, but sometimes she doesn't think about it).

It sounds like she might get hurt either way, so you might as well make it like you have a big heart and that's why you're giving the vehicle to your brother. I know it's a sticky situation, but you can't compromise what you and your brother need in your lives just to spare someone's feelings. Maybe I'm the bitch, but I don't believe in changing your life just to appease someone else, even if that someone else is family. It's our lives, let us be who we are...

Maybe you could do a documentary on this! ;)

"Lend" him the van. Temporarily of course. It's no big deal, you're all family and a family shares everything. Right? Right mother? It's not like you're giving it away, oh no! You'd never do that cause you love the gift so much. You're just letting him use it for a while cause he's always moaning, that scruffy little kid brother of yours.

Then forget about it.

I'm going to go backwards, and thank everyone. You've all been very kind and indulgent.
"Lend" him the van. Temporarily of course. It's no big deal, you're all family and a family shares everything. Right? Right mother? It's not like you're giving it away, oh no! You'd never do that cause you love the gift so much. You're just letting him use it for a while cause he's always moaning, that scruffy little kid brother of yours.

Then forget about it.
Thought about this. He actually does have the van now because I literally don't have a place to put it. I have permit parking here and now way could get another permit. My best bet was to take it to a friends (who also needs a car) and leave it with him. But my brother has it. I thought about never coming to get it, but that would become an issue eventually. What I was thinking while I was away was my mom wants to do something, and that's the really important part. I have to find a way for her to still do something for me-and this is a gester, not just helping me with a deposit or anything involving just giving me money-I have to let her still do something without having to shuffle my cars, or having it be this huge. I think if I come up with the 'something' it's not going to be as satisfying for her. I need to do some more thinkin' on that.

Maybe you could do a documentary on this!
I thought about that, but I think I only have one personal in me. This thread as evidence to the contrary, focusing on me is a little uncomfortable. I do want to do one on people like myself who drive cars that are more trouble than they are worth because of the emotional value of the car.

I don't mean to pry, but does the element of [your mother and] your past and present financial situation play a major factor in this, and if so, would you mind elaborating on them?
We used to be 'well off,' but then when I graduated high school my parents divorced as my dad lost everything and we've been poor since and it is a major reason I had to drop out of college-almost finding out overnight that I had to take care of everything. One of the more frustrating things about that was I kept saying-"So, I'm going to get a job and try and take care of all this stuff myself" and they kept saying, "No, focus on school..." I was pretty angry about that for a while until I got over it after I got back into college.

So, in theory, she could really be trying to 'make good' on that past, but she really already has. She bailed me out of an emergency situation that would have halted the whole deal when I transfered to the four year-as far as I'm concerned all is good. (well, I was over it way before that, so it was more than was called for)

With that out of the way, you should also tell her how you feel about being put in the limelight as the preferred child, and how it makes you uncomfortable. Use the van as an example.
I've thought about doing that for years, and I've hinted at it at pretty much every opportunity. Really just don't know how to go about it. One of my triumphs was getting my brother to understand that I saw it and that I respected and admired what he has done with his life. We've been on better terms ever since. He really is a stand out cat.

A suggestion on how to handle that is play on your emotional attachment to the 67. It'll make it less a slap in the face to her. Make it more about you, how you feel about the old buss. Then bring up your brother, ask your mother for permission to give the vanagon to him, tell her what you put down here, how you feel he needs and deserves it. Trust me, a parent can't help but feel pride when their offspring shows that kind of selflessness. You can do it, just go in prepared.
I've tried the passion of the bus bit, but she thinks she understood that by buying another van (I really don't like vans, but that isn't really the point). I think, now that I've had a moment (I literally wrote the first post as she left), that she's going to eventually be fine with him getting it. I talked to him and told him that I thought he deserved it more than me and definitly needed it more than me. He actually likes it, but thats in comparison to my VW which he watched for a while for me and thinks is frightening.

I think it comes down to, as I said before, finding a way for her to still do something for me so that she feels like she has done something for me because thats what she wanted to do, the van was just a way to do that.

Thank guys. I'll return to normal now. This was something I felt better dealling with anonymously, it seems. Never thought I'd do somthing like this here. It is a little cathardic.(sp?)

Never thought I'd do somthing like this here.Hey, there's never anything wrong with talk about a problem, particularly if it helps you to figure out a solution. :)

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