NationStates Jolt Archive

Have you ever been in a really stupid relationship?
One that's really going nowhere, but you still just don't want to end it?

The reason I'm asking is that I'm currently in one of the most stupid relationships ever.
It happened almost 2 years ago, I met a person on the internet, in a chat. We had fun, we liked each other, and we found more and more similarities as the weeks went by. After a few months, we started calling and texting with each other and got even closer. We soon had the idea to meet, but there were two big problems : 1) He's married. And he wants to stay in this marriage. Don't ask me why, but it didn't bother me. Before him, I would have told you that I would never ever start anything with a married man, but he's just... well, different. By that time, our friendship was no longer platonic anyway.
2) He lives in Germany, I live in Ireland.
It took another few months, then we found a possibility to meet. His company sent him on training to another town, the perfect excuse. I flew to Germany and met him there, for a few days. That was last autumn.
Now I keep thinking that this is completely mental, haqving a relationship with somebody I've seen once in my life, I don't know when I'm going to see him again, and yet it doesn't feel so wrong....

you realise your 'the bitch my husband met on the internet and had an affair with'

but realationships are an ends, not a means to something greater, if youre not having enough fun to not think about wheather or not you want to continue, it should be ended

I do realise that, and that's about the only thing that bothers me.
So far, it's great. The fact that we don't see each other doesn't mean we don;t spend time together. And one thing I really really appreciate is that we both seem to get more creative with each othere than we are alone. He's a hobby-musician, I'm a hobby-painter. In the time we've known each other he wrote 7 songs and a whole musical, I started writing again and produced some (for me) exceptional paintings and drawings...

Hard to say without all the facts. If it's possible that he may change his mind within a reasonable time, say a year, then perhaps it's not stupid to maintain the relationship. Stubborn persistence can sometimes lead to success. Wishing you happiness, of course.

there comes a time (NOW) to ask yourself, "do i want to stay in a dead end relationship with a married man?"

is this really all you want? REALLY??

if the answer is yes, then there you go. you got it.

if you decide that you deserve something better, you have to end it with him and not look back. no more communication. nothing. its the only way to break away from him.

Speaking as a guy, were I in a similar situation, I would expect to make a permanent commitment to one partner or the other - and soon; I get the impression, though I could be wrong, that this man has made clear with whom he intends to have a primary relationship and that you're secondary, Cabra. In my value system you only get to choose one. Unless he commits to you in reasonable time he's proving himself dishonorable and you don't want him.

there comes a time (NOW) to ask yourself, "do i want to stay in a dead end relationship with a married man?"

is this really all you want? REALLY??

if the answer is yes, then there you go. you got it.

if you decide that you deserve something better, you have to end it with him and not look back. no more communication. nothing. its the only way to break away from him.

Which is the one thing I just can't do.

I don't fool myself that he would ever leave his wife. To be perfectly honest, I like the situation the way it is, because it means that we are close, but I can still easily keep my private space.
The reason why I called this relationship stupid is because I realize that it is not going to evolve much more (unless something really does change), and also because the people around me keep telling me that I'm waisting my time and that I should look for something else....

if this is all you want

if you dont want a man of your own, a man who can acknowledge you in public, who can be there when you need him, who keeps your bed warm.

then thats your business

dont settle. dont do the "but i LUUUV him" thing. either its good for you or it isnt. it has to be 100% good for you or you can do better.

and dont delude yourself, some day he will leave you. he will never leave his wife. it will come to a choice and you will lose.

your friends are right from a tradtional point of view. if you dont mind wasting your time then dont worry about them. relationships dont need to be permanent or to end in marriage. as long as your eyes are open, live your life as you see fit.

Speaking as a guy, were I in a similar situation, I would expect to make a permanent commitment to one partner or the other - and soon; I get the impression, though I could be wrong, that this man has made clear with whom he intends to have a primary relationship and that you're secondary, Cabra. In my value system you only get to choose one. Unless he commits to you in reasonable time he's proving himself dishonorable and you don't want him.

I am number two, he told me so himself. One thing I can't hold against him, hes always been perfectly honest.
For some strange reason that I can't figure out yet, I don't mind.
I've never been much of a person for relationships, more of a loner. And I never believed in "love for all eternity", I believe in affection and care. He's showing both, more than I deserve most of the time. And I don't feel in any way crowded, as he is not even in the same country... overall, more advantages than disavantages.

if this is all you want

if you dont want a man of your own, a man who can acknowledge you in public, who can be there when you need him, who keeps your bed warm.

then thats your business

dont settle. dont do the "but i LUUUV him" thing. either its good for you or it isnt. it has to be 100% good for you or you can do better.

and dont delude yourself, some day he will leave you. he will never leave his wife. it will come to a choice and you will lose.

your friends are right from a tradtional point of view. if you dont mind wasting your time then dont worry about them. relationships dont need to be permanent or to end in marriage. as long as your eyes are open, live your life as you see fit.

Well, the "keeping the bed warm" thing... that's the one point I miss a bit. It's nice having telefones and webcams and videos and all that, but... all that doesn't live up to the real thing.

you realise your 'the bitch my husband met on the internet and had an affair with'


I second this. Back the fuck off. Back off before you get completely obsessed with him. You already labled it 'going nowhere'. Come out, admit your crushing on him, and admit that nothigns going ot happen and that your going to move on. And then move on. Talk to another online guy?

I second this. Back the fuck off. Back off before you get completely obsessed with him. You already labled it 'going nowhere'. Come out, admit your crushing on him, and admit that nothigns going ot happen and that your going to move on. And then move on. Talk to another online guy?

:D Oh, I do. All the time. Our relationship is nothing if not open. I know that if I ever decided to "just be friends from now on", he would be ok with it. He would miss a thing or two, but we would stay friends. So far, I just don't see a reason to do that.
On the other hand, I know that he won't end it. He tried twice, both times a case of "bad conscience" about his wife, and both times came back a few days later as if nothing had happened. I don't think he would be able to really end our relationship/friendship

:D Oh, I do. All the time. Our relationship is nothing if not open. I know that if I ever decided to "just be friends from now on", he would be ok with it. He would miss a thing or two, but we would stay friends. So far, I just don't see a reason to do that.
On the other hand, I know that he won't end it. He tried twice, both times a case of "bad conscience" about his wife, and both times came back a few days later as if nothing had happened. I don't think he would be able to really end our relationship/friendship

If he can't then perhaps you should take the initiative, after all, you could be wasting your time on this guy when the right one is right under your nose!

Stop wasting your time and effort and thoughts on this guy. You're fulfilling needs that he needs to seek from his wife. Suggest couseling to him and cease contact. One reason he seems "different" from other guys you've dated is that he's married! This can change a man deeply.You wouldn't want to be 'the other woman' nor would you want another woman screwing up your relationships. He really needs to grow up and own his actions. If he needs more from his marriage he should speak up to his wife not you.

Get out of this asap!!! For everyone that is involved, it is the best course of action.
He can always rekindle the flame between you if he gets the guts to figure out who he is really interested in. Besides, do you realize what kind of monumental liar it requires to uphold two relationships like this? You really want to keep this going? :confused:

I hope I'm not being to offensive but these things never work out without someone getting unjustly hurt. :(

If he can't then perhaps you should take the initiative, after all, you could be wasting your time on this guy when the right one is right under your nose!

As I said before, I don't believe there is such a thing as "the right one". ;)
I'm not on the lookout for a person to share my life with, I'm a bit of a loner in that respect.
And, to be honest, I don't feel like I'm waisting my time at all. As said before, we are both rather creativer persons, and it amazes me again and again how much inspiration we provide for each other. We 'talk' every day, so it doesn't feel like a distance relationship either...

What I'm having troubles with is the fact that, after all, he is cheating on his wife. Ok, he only physically did so during that time last autumn, but mentally... well, a lot more often than that. And I sometimes have the feeling that I'm depriving her of his time and attention, although I'm really really trying not to

Question: do you think that being party to the deception and possible hurt of other people is justified if you gain pleasure from it?

Stop wasting your time and effort and thoughts on this guy. You're fulfilling needs that he needs to seek from his wife. Suggest couseling to him and cease contact. One reason he seems "different" from other guys you've dated is that he's married! This can change a man deeply.You wouldn't want to be 'the other woman' nor would you want another woman screwing up your relationships. He really needs to grow up and own his actions. If he needs more from his marriage he should speak up to his wife not you.

Get out of this asap!!! For everyone that is involved, it is the best course of action.
He can always rekindle the flame between you if he gets the guts to figure out who he is really interested in. Besides, do you realize what kind of monumental liar it requires to uphold two relationships like this? You really want to keep this going? :confused:

I hope I'm not being to offensive but these things never work out without someone getting unjustly hurt. :(

I think I should have made that clear a bit earlier on, I've known him for almost 3 years now. It grew out of friendship into something more, and it took a long time to do so.
I know (and I've always known) that I'm not the first affair he's had, actually before our freindship became a realtionship, I helped him through some hard times when he made up his mind if he wanted to leave his wife for the affair he had at that time.

I would be happier if he could find a way of telling his wife. I know that somebody eventually will get hurt, and I think it's going to be her. But she wouldn't understand that... who in their right mind would?
This will sound extremely selfish, but I refuse to make his wife my problem. They are having some massive problems in their marriage, and I suggested counseling and tried to help him as well as I could (I've never ever asked him to end the marriage, nor would I ever do that), but personally, I'm ok with the situation at the moment. If he ever decided to make up his mind and really came over here to live with me, I think THAT would most likely ruin our relationship
;)

Question: do you think that being party to the deception and possible hurt of other people is justified if you gain pleasure from it?

Morally, no.
Practically, show me one person who lives up to that no?

I would be happier if he could find a way of telling his wife. I know that somebody eventually will get hurt, and I think it's going to be her. But she wouldn't understand that... who in their right mind would?
This will sound extremely selfish, but I refuse to make his wife my problem. They are having some massive problems in their marriage, and I suggested counseling and tried to help him as well as I could (I've never ever asked him to end the marriage, nor would I ever do that), but personally, I'm ok with the situation at the moment. If he ever decided to make up his mind and really came over here to live with me, I think THAT would most likely ruin our relationship
;)

Yup. That sounds selfish as hell to me.

By fucking him the wife becomes your problem (or you become her problem): you can't just chose to duck out of it.

Yup. That sounds selfish as hell to me.

By fucking him the wife becomes your problem (or you become her problem): you can't just chose to duck out of it.

He's the one with the marriage. If he chooses to cheat on his wife, that's his decision.
If he were to go and buy himself a whore, would you blame the whore?

He's the one with the marriage. If he chooses to cheat on his wife, that's his decision.

...but you are the one who accomodates him in so doing.

If he were to go and buy himself a whore, would you blame the whore?

If the prostitute told herself that by fucking people she wsn't embroiling herself in their moral quandries, then yes, I would.

sweet sweet Cabra West..... I can only paint the picture in my mind, A beautiful girl, in a beautiful Ireland, with that hottie accent, talking away to a married man. She is a healer, a friend to man and animals alike, wants to make the world a better place, even if it is only one person at a time. By day she works hard, and by night she shares a double-life: One as a growing and powerful Nationstates player... one as a romantic. To the opposite extreme is the evil married man in Germany. He too lives a double life, one as a happily married man, and one as a predator of women, telling the Irish Goddess she is second fiddle in his one man musical... Oh how the picture seems clear as day. Is it possible that just as he is depriving you and his wife both of his full heart you are depriving the rest of the world of this magical Irish girl, who would be a treasure to anyone else? Just a thought....

He's the one with the marriage. If he chooses to cheat on his wife, that's his decision.


To me personally, it sounds like this guy is screwing with both of you for his own entertainment. You sound like a nice girl, you deserve better than this spineless liar.

sweet sweet Cabra West..... I can only paint the picture in my mind, A beautiful girl, in a beautiful Ireland, with that hottie accent, talking away to a married man. She is a healer, a friend to man and animals alike, wants to make the world a better place, even if it is only one person at a time. By day she works hard, and by night she shares a double-life: One as a growing and powerful Nationstates player... one as a romantic. To the opposite extreme is the evil married man in Germany. He too lives a double life, one as a happily married man, and one as a predator of women, telling the Irish Goddess she is second fiddle in his one man musical... Oh how the picture seems clear as day. Is it possible that just as he is depriving you and his wife both of his full heart you are depriving the rest of the world of this magical Irish girl, who would be a treasure to anyone else? Just a thought....


Oooooh... I have to print that out and frame it, that's just too sweet :) ;)

However, the rest of the world never really seemed to be interested too much in that treasure, even before I met him. So, I don't seem to be depriving anybody of anything ;)

:rolleyes: You do know how emotionally irresponsible that is,how big a coward one must be to escape the real world by living virtually and the fact that you mean nothing to him,right? I mean, get yourself together, he doesn´t want out of his marriage and you don´t want "in" this silly teen game. Itá about deleting, putting on the ignore list,blocking,etc. Either you´re alive or you aren´t. If you´re in hiding, hide, if you wanna play,go out in the rain,where it gets rough,doll. It´s tough love from on e who wants a sound mind for all.

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

Out of curiosity, how old are you?

28

28

So, you were 26 when you met this guy...and you'd already decided at that point that there was no-one else out there you may have wanted a relationship with?

Gave up a little early, didn't you? :)

"Oooooh... I have to print that out and frame it, that's just too sweet "

Glad you liked it oh Irish Goddess. I too am 28, and in my many years on this Earth I have seen many come and many go, each with their own story to tell. You my friend, said you are an artist.. Looking at your life as a magical canvas, that never ends, although it sometimes needs a different twist.. Tell us all if you will, what are you looking to put on your canvas next?? You have an interesting way about you, seeming to be looking for approval from others, but in actuality looking for approval from yourself, or perhaps I am mistaken. Paint more of this picture for my Ms. West

So, you were 26 when you met this guy...and you'd already decided at that point that there was no-one else out there you may have wanted a relationship with?

Gave up a little early, didn't you? :)

I never said that. If I find somebody today, I might consider getting my relationship back to mere friendship. But I don't want to cut the contact completely. He told me a number of times to go and look for a "real life" relationship. He might be waiting for me to do that, firstly because then he wouldn't have to risk hurting me (if his wife ever found out, etc...), secondly because I really don't think he could end the relationship himself.
I'm open for everybody, I don't regard this relationship as anything I would have to be faithful about, not at all. But, so far, there's just no other man. There was another woman for a very short time (I'm open for everybody, as I said), but that didn't last.

I never said that. If I find somebody today, I might consider getting my relationship back to mere friendship. But I don't want to cut the contact completely. He told me a number of times to go and look for a "real life" relationship. He might be waiting for me to do that, firstly because then he wouldn't have to risk hurting me (if his wife ever found out, etc...), secondly because I really don't think he could end the relationship himself.
I'm open for everybody, I don't regard this relationship as anything I would have to be faithful about, not at all. But, so far, there's just no other man. There was another woman for a very short time (I'm open for everybody, as I said), but that didn't last.

I apologise if I came across as harsh in my post; it was not my intention. I sympathise with you regarding this because I'm in an internet relationship with a married person (a woman) as well. There are certain differences in our situation that makes it a little different from your own, but the basics of the situation I can understand. It just seemed from earlier posts that you had given up, and I apologise if I misunderstood that.

For such a relationship, take my advice on what we have worked out; an actual time it will finish. I and my "partner" such as she is have decided we're going to cut the level of contact we do have to the point of just being friends at the end of the year when I leave to University. This is because our relationship would never work in Real Life due to the age and geographical gap between us, and I am looking forward to searching for a more long-term relationship when I go to Uni.

That would be my advice. :)

"Oooooh... I have to print that out and frame it, that's just too sweet "

Glad you liked it oh Irish Goddess. I too am 28, and in my many years on this Earth I have seen many come and many go, each with their own story to tell. You my friend, said you are an artist.. Looking at your life as a magical canvas, that never ends, although it sometimes needs a different twist.. Tell us all if you will, what are you looking to put on your canvas next?? You have an interesting way about you, seeming to be looking for approval from others, but in actuality looking for approval from yourself, or perhaps I am mistaken. Paint more of this picture for my Ms. West

You are not mistaken, not really. I don't so much look for approval in others as rather look for thought. If I think about my life or any other important matter, I can see a lot clearer when I have to make my point with and againts others. If I don't do that, my thoughts end up running in circles going nowhere.
As for the next colours or motives... there are no plans. There are rarely ever any plans, the picture just gets painted as my personality collides with the world
;)

I apologise if I came across as harsh in my post; it was not my intention. I sympathise with you regarding this because I'm in an internet relationship with a married person (a woman) as well. There are certain differences in our situation that makes it a little different from your own, but the basics of the situation I can understand. It just seemed from earlier posts that you had given up, and I apologise if I misunderstood that.

For such a relationship, take my advice on what we have worked out; an actual time it will finish. I and my "partner" such as she is have decided we're going to cut the level of contact we do have to the point of just being friends at the end of the year when I leave to University. This is because our relationship would never work in Real Life due to the age and geographical gap between us, and I am looking forward to searching for a more long-term relationship when I go to Uni.

That would be my advice. :)

That's good advice, thank you.
It may be just a personality thing about me, ut I generally don't go looking. I'm either found or I'm not ;)
Basically, this is more or less the plan we have as well, but I left that up to him. When he feels he needs to invest himself in his marriage again, or when there are problems because his wife found out or suspects anything, we will cut the relationship back to friendship. I can't say I'm looking forward to that day, because I really enjoy his companionship, even if it is only virtual, but I know that some day it's going to happen and I'll just have to live with it.

As much as I enjoyed talking to you about all this, it's past midnight here and I'll have to work tomorrow.

Sweet dreams to you all :fluffle:

That's good advice, thank you.
It may be just a personality thing about me, ut I generally don't go looking. I'm either found or I'm not ;)
Basically, this is more or less the plan we have as well, but I left that up to him. When he feels he needs to invest himself in his marriage again, or when there are problems because his wife found out or suspects anything, we will cut the relationship back to friendship. I can't say I'm looking forward to that day, because I really enjoy his companionship, even if it is only virtual, but I know that some day it's going to happen and I'll just have to live with it.

The only point I can argue with that is "leaving it up to him." This removes all control of the situation from your own hands and can bind you into such a "go-nowhere" relationship for a long time, which you may look back on and regret at a later date for taking up that much of your life.

I would suggest talking to him and mutually agreeing on such a time to call it quits. If your relationship serves any purpose, it is to increase self-confidence and well-being; I know, because that's what my own is about. But I would strongly suggest agreeing a point whereby the rope is cut, before it becomes a noose.

You are a very interesting sort, you seem so sweet, but comment that you collide with the world? Perhaps the world collides with you because it enjoys you and that any attention from the Irish Goddess to the world is attention afterall. I want to see how the painting progresses, I am now intrigued by the story, as the main character seems most likeable from this monitor anyways..

sweet dreams to you as well sleepy girl... ahhhh, I was correct about the hard working.....

I've had one or two relationships which I have no idea now how I got into them, I know what I wanted out of them, basically companionship, some one to share with equally, bu they were more interested in less mentally taxing matters. Remember what Sir Winston Churchill once said of truth, it should always be protected/ attended by a bodyguard of lies. The internet is wonderful for disseminating information, but should be regarded with a handful of salt. Original poster got lucky in finding the one in a million person whom, used some degree of truth in webpostings, they could have been 14yrs old or 95yrs, or not believed a word they said, I'll make no secret of saying I have used anti-truths to attain goals in the past.

Your perfectly honest man is a LIAR. He is lying to his wife. You're being an enabler. Whenever his marriage is in trouble and he's having problems he turns to you when he should be turning to her. I found myself in a warped situation where I found myself trying to help a girl with her marriage (and our friendship was platonic) and almost destroyed it. She needed to be discussing this stuff with her husband not me. Finally I told her that and stepped back for several months. I'm now good friends with both of them.

I have little doubt the guy is nice but he's using you and you're using him. Meanwhile he and his wife's marriage are going down the tubes. She's the loser here. You may have suggested counseling and tried to help but you can't help. Solutions to a relationship problem can't come from a person exacerbating the problem.

Generally I would say that if you are happy within a relationship then even if it doesn't conform to social norms, why leave it until it stops making you happy? I don't think life is ever that simple though...

In terms of how you are affecting the wife, this can all be a matter of interpretation. One of my friends displayed this very clearly a few years ago. She has always hated her step mother. Her father cheated on her mother (his wife) and eventually married the other woman. My friend always claims that her stepmother ruined her mother's life.
A few years ago, my friend started seeing a guy who already had a girlfriend. He moved in with the other girlfriend but my friend kept seeing him. For a period of months while this was going on, my friend was miserable all the time and didn't want to listen to anyone's advice except the wicked life-ruining step mother!! The stepmother said that the guy's relationship was ending anyway (which it eventually did) and it wasn't my friend's fault that she happened to arrive on the scene at the same time. I didn't bother pointing out to my friend that exactly the same could be said about her family - her parents' marriage was never going to last and it was just poor timing on her step mother's part that she arrived before the relationship properly ended.
Of course, now that things are peachy in my friend's life, she's back to hating her step mother for what she did to her mother!

You are a very interesting sort, you seem so sweet, but comment that you collide with the world? Perhaps the world collides with you because it enjoys you and that any attention from the Irish Goddess to the world is attention afterall. I want to see how the painting progresses, I am now intrigued by the story, as the main character seems most likeable from this monitor anyways..

I'll keep you up to date ;)
But I don't think much will happen in the next few weeks. It's a rather slow relationship, although it is staedily growing

<snip>

That's what i keep telling myself. I'm not his first affair. If his marriage should end, it's most likely not because of me, although, yes, I'm helping him escape it if he feels like it.

I gave him all the advice I could, given that I've never been married myself, but he hasto act on it. I can't do that for him.

And as long as it feels this good, I don't see any reason for me to end it, I just sometimes get second thoughts when people around me tell me I can't be happy like this because "I deserve better". I find that a rather preposterous statement

I've been in a secret relationship with a woman who first was living with a guy, broke up with him and then started dating another guy.

We could keep sneaking around, but we both decided it was time for honesty, so I'm waiting for her decision to either call him off or call me off. Waiting sucks

I've been in a secret relationship with a woman who first was living with a guy, broke up with him and then started dating another guy.

We could keep sneaking around, but we both decided it was time for honesty, so I'm waiting for her decision to either call him off or call me off. Waiting sucks

It sure does... :fluffle:

But... why did she start dating another guy after she broke up with the first one? You were there, weren't you?

But... why did she start dating another guy after she broke up with the first one? You were there, weren't you?
I saw her only once in that period of a few months. I was having problems with myself so I didn't go out much (where I usually met her). She did not want to wait and was doubting if I might have been seeing her just for the sex (which was/is not the case).

I saw her only once in that period of a few months. I was having problems with myself so I didn't go out much (where I usually met her). She did not want to wait and was doubting if I might have been seeing her just for the sex (which was/is not the case).

Lack of communication, hm? Too bad it brought you into a situation like this...

Lack of communication, hm? Too bad it brought you into a situation like this...
yep :(

Live goes on....plenty more fish in the sea.... some other cliché.....

Waiting sucks..... so I'm having a taste of my own medicine

i was with some chick that would only go out with me if i liked the republic of china :eek: :fluffle: :sniper: :mp5:

i was with some chick that would only go out with me if i liked the republic of china :eek: :fluffle: :sniper: :mp5:
Did you?

i was with some chick that would only go out with me if i liked the republic of china :eek: :fluffle: :sniper: :mp5:

Did you ever ask her why?

nope i just said get away freak i like korea hahahhahahhaha :headbang: :cool: :( :D :gundge: :mp5: ;)

nope i just said get away freak i like korea hahahhahahhaha :headbang: :cool: :( :D :gundge: :mp5: ;)
She's the freak? :eek:

she swore at me in chinese and chased me around with a stick i stoped her and we pashed been together for 4 years now

she swore at me in chinese and chased me around with a stick i stoped her and we pashed been together for 4 years now
pashed?

But anyway yeah, this certainly qualifies for most stupid relationship

thank you all she broke up with me after school to day :(

thank you all she broke up with me after school to day :(

So sorry to hear that ... :fluffle: After all, you've been together for for years you said. Did she give you any reasons?

she was cheating on me with me bro