Upper Middle
26-05-2005, 17:35
To demonstrate to my congressman what politics has become, I came up with this satire. They're rules that are to followed if you want to succeed in Washington. I realize I made a typo...crap.
1. This rule is by far the most important, always cover yourself. You don't need facts per se, and even if you haven't any, clever rhetoric will suffice. If you lack either one then what ever you said will return to bite you in the ass.Never let the people know your true motives.
2. This rule is more for protecting you against political enemies. Always abide by the 'never say never' rule. This means you must never, under any circumstances, say you never did this or that. I will draw an example from a former president, "I never had sexual relations with that woman." You may dodge the question, but never deny it unless you are either prepared to defend your claim or if you don't it will end your political career.
3. I call this rule the 'Billy Carter rule'. This relates to family members. If you have any homosexual or illegitimate children, make that fact extremely well-hidden, lest you want to be attacked by the press. This also applies to siblings and parents. If they're already distant, make them even more so.
4. Never, whether it be a debate or a press conference, be direct. You should always remain esoteric and make your answers riddled in so-called 'buzzwords' and talking points from the party line.
5.This is the 'Hitler rule'. Basically it means you should come to every rally and scheduled appearances late. Never be punctual. In theory this will make the crowd all the more eager to hear what you have to say.
6. Pre-emptive attacks are your dearest friends. You must always attack your opponent before he she even conceives of attacking you. This will give you the upper hand. If they do attack you apply the concept of 'an eye for an eye', except take it a step further, 'an eye for two eyes.' Opportunism is a must in politics. It is required for survival.
7. Play the values card. Claim that you share the same values as the voters and possess the moral fiber to their elected official. Claim your opponent does not and label him or an ideologue and an elitist. When it comes to religion it is safest to claim to be Christian, more specifically a protestant.
8.Claim that every decision you have made and will make has and will benefit the people. Claim that the opposite is true of your opponent.
9.Label everyone. Take advantage of the fact that most people in the United States think within terms of black and white and the left-right political system. People are afraid of extreme so claim to be a 'moderate'.
10. The final rule is, always abide by the party line.You should join a party and use that parties reputation to your advantage.
1. This rule is by far the most important, always cover yourself. You don't need facts per se, and even if you haven't any, clever rhetoric will suffice. If you lack either one then what ever you said will return to bite you in the ass.Never let the people know your true motives.
2. This rule is more for protecting you against political enemies. Always abide by the 'never say never' rule. This means you must never, under any circumstances, say you never did this or that. I will draw an example from a former president, "I never had sexual relations with that woman." You may dodge the question, but never deny it unless you are either prepared to defend your claim or if you don't it will end your political career.
3. I call this rule the 'Billy Carter rule'. This relates to family members. If you have any homosexual or illegitimate children, make that fact extremely well-hidden, lest you want to be attacked by the press. This also applies to siblings and parents. If they're already distant, make them even more so.
4. Never, whether it be a debate or a press conference, be direct. You should always remain esoteric and make your answers riddled in so-called 'buzzwords' and talking points from the party line.
5.This is the 'Hitler rule'. Basically it means you should come to every rally and scheduled appearances late. Never be punctual. In theory this will make the crowd all the more eager to hear what you have to say.
6. Pre-emptive attacks are your dearest friends. You must always attack your opponent before he she even conceives of attacking you. This will give you the upper hand. If they do attack you apply the concept of 'an eye for an eye', except take it a step further, 'an eye for two eyes.' Opportunism is a must in politics. It is required for survival.
7. Play the values card. Claim that you share the same values as the voters and possess the moral fiber to their elected official. Claim your opponent does not and label him or an ideologue and an elitist. When it comes to religion it is safest to claim to be Christian, more specifically a protestant.
8.Claim that every decision you have made and will make has and will benefit the people. Claim that the opposite is true of your opponent.
9.Label everyone. Take advantage of the fact that most people in the United States think within terms of black and white and the left-right political system. People are afraid of extreme so claim to be a 'moderate'.
10. The final rule is, always abide by the party line.You should join a party and use that parties reputation to your advantage.