NationStates Jolt Archive

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and things do not look good. Lately we haven't talked much and we haven't seen each other a lot either. We are both having stressfull lives but this was just rediculous for her to act this way. Today I called her and got her machine so I left a message. I thought nothing of it so I called back a few hours later and she picked up but told me to hold as she talked to one of her friends. I was on the phone for 40 mins waiting and just hung up. I called again and she did the same thing. I finally got to talk to her and I invited her over to watch movies and do a bit of cuddlin (amoungst other things), but she said she had some stuff to do with her friends.

She's been blowing me off lately to go hang out with her friends, who are mostly guys. When I called her cell to set up another date I slipped up and said something about her not wanting to be around me and she took offense to it so she hung up. I then called her back directly and she told me to fuck off because she'd rather hang around her friends than me and that's when I dropped the bomb and cussed her out.

I said some things I REALLY shouldn't have said. I don't ever remember being THAT angry at her before. I didn't accuse her of cheating because I know she'd never do that but she then hung up on me once more and I called back immediately and she told me she didn't want to talk to me, and she sounded fucking SERIOUS. I have no clue how to redeem this situation as nothing this extreme has ever happened between us. Any suggestions would be nice.

I apologize if this post is disorganized and full of gramatical errors and bad sentence structure.

Sounds like it is over from her perspective anyway.

Over this relationship is.

Everybody has a poison heart.

She sounds like she's already made the decision to end the relationship, and instead of having the courage to tell you, has decided to just cut contact with you.

Everybody has a poison heart.
Not true! :p

Call it a loss, go have a beer with friends. You can do much better.

She sounds like she's already made the decision to end the relationship, and instead of having the courage to tell you, has decided to just cut contact with you.
what he said. sorry bud :(

I just got off the phone with her now and things look a wee bit better. I just asked her what her problem is and if she wants to end the relationship and she said her grandfather died and she's fucked up and wants to be left alone and that she really wasn't out with her friends. She just wanted to be left alone but didn't know how to communicate that to me.

She was REALLY close to her grandfather so I can see how this would mess her up and daze her. Damn, now I feel REALLY bad about what I said to her. What the hell do I do from here?

I just got off the phone with her now and things look a wee bit better. I just asked her what her problem is and if she wants to end the relationship and she said her grandfather died and she's fucked up and wants to be left alone and that she really wasn't out with her friends. She just wanted to be left alone but didn't know how to communicate that to me.

She was REALLY close to her grandfather so I can see how this would mess her up and daze her. Damn, now I feel REALLY bad about what I said to her. What the hell do I do from here?

Leave her alone for a while. Check up on her briefly once or twice a week. Just give her a call to say hi and that's it. Let her be alone.

Leave her alone for a while. Check up on her briefly once or twice a week. Just give her a call to say hi and that's it. Let her be alone.

That sounds like a plan.

Here it is in all of it's painful glory;

"...she talked to one of her friends. I was on the phone for 40 mins waiting and just hung up."

"..She's been blowing me off lately to go hang out with her friends, who are mostly guys."

"...she told me to fuck off because she'd rather hang around her friends"

"I didn't accuse her of cheating because I know she'd never do that"

Pretty much indicates that you are stupid.

Sorry.

Maybe I should have sugar coated that... Naaah. You really oughta be pised off. She hozed you man. Get some dignity back - anger is a quick way. Erase her cell # from your phone and never speak with her again. Don't even look at her. She is now lower than the most contemptable pond scum sucking fish. Find someone who deserves you. Or even better, find several someones and justy play for a while.

Actions speak louder than words buddy. She's hangin out with other guys trying to choose witch one she's gonna sleep with. Ignore this broad. Do not contact her. Don't answer your phone if she calls you. Wait at least three days before speaking again and then tell her you just want to be friends.

Are you two so insecure that you would instantly equate your girlfriend having male friends with sleeping around? That's pathetic.

There is something called trust, and I trust her because we've been through some tough times together as friends, but this is the first time we've gone through something like this as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Are you two so insecure that you would instantly equate your girlfriend having male friends with sleeping around? That's pathetic.
Perhaps surprisingly enough, I agree with you on this. :eek:

Trust is a very fragile thing that, once broken, is diffiucult in the extreme to mend. Regardless of what you may suspect, never, ever, under any circumstances accuse your SO of being unfaithful, particularly when they've been known to have lots of friends of the opposite sex. If you don't trust them, leave. Trust me on this. It's the best way.

No offence intended here, but it doesn't help matters that you kept calling her back - the needier you act, you less attractive you make yourself. It also doesn't help that you let her have the last word - after the second time she left you hanging and you hung up, you should have left it, at least for today. As I said, I don't mean to offend you or anything - I sympathise entirely, i've been in similar situations myself. It sounds like it's over, though. I know it hurts, but you will get over it, as much as you might hate to hear that at the moment. Eventually you'll move on, though, and if there's a "next time" (hopefully not, mind), you'll know not to let the bitch treat you like that again ;)

Ouch - that does, at first reading, sound very bad.

But when you gave the second post, it explained it a bit better. I remember when my girlfriend's grandma died - and she went to hell and back over the next couple of weeks. I didn't know what to do - she kept pushing me away and trying to figure stuff out for herself. I felt at a loss, but we pulled through it.

All I can recommend is that you tell her that you are there for her, and will always be available for her to talk to you whenever she needs you - if she feels she needs to be on her own/with other friends for now - then that's alright, let her.

As to being around other guys - I wouldn't worry about it. I have lots of girls who are very close friends, and I am the first person they come to talk to about anything serious because I can always give advice and show other options - they come to me before their boyfriends often enough.

So I wouldn't worry about that.

Trust me matey - just let her have some breathing room, and think - and then she'll come to you when she's ready :)

im insecure too... she is sleeping with other guys... much like this- :fluffle:

I just got off the phone with her now and things look a wee bit better. I just asked her what her problem is and if she wants to end the relationship and she said her grandfather died and she's fucked up and wants to be left alone and that she really wasn't out with her friends. She just wanted to be left alone but didn't know how to communicate that to me.

She was REALLY close to her grandfather so I can see how this would mess her up and daze her. Damn, now I feel REALLY bad about what I said to her. What the hell do I do from here?

Ah, I didn't see this one - ignore what I just said, sorry

She sounds like she's already made the decision to end the relationship, and instead of having the courage to tell you, has decided to just cut contact with you.
tru dat

Call it a loss, go have a beer with friends. You can do much better.
dat also

Sexy Andrew - have you read this?

Originally Posted by Kejott

I just got off the phone with her now and things look a wee bit better. I just asked her what her problem is and if she wants to end the relationship and she said her grandfather died and she's fucked up and wants to be left alone and that she really wasn't out with her friends. She just wanted to be left alone but didn't know how to communicate that to me.

She was REALLY close to her grandfather so I can see how this would mess her up and daze her. Damn, now I feel REALLY bad about what I said to her. What the hell do I do from here?

Perhaps surprisingly enough, I agree with you on this. :eek:

Trust is a very fragile thing that, once broken, is diffiucult in the extreme to mend. Regardless of what you may suspect, never, ever, under any circumstances accuse your SO of being unfaithful, particularly when they've been known to have lots of friends of the opposite sex. If you don't trust them, leave. Trust me on this. It's the best way.

and dat

Sexy Andrew - have you read this?

no i missed taht, thanx for pointing it out.
in that case, save the beer $ and buy flowers, lots and lots of flowers, and mabye a teddy bear ahhh and ya
write i love you on something and send it to her, and then come liek a minute after she gets all the love stuff and then jsut b like im sorry about g-pa

I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and things do not look good. Lately we haven't talked much and we haven't seen each other a lot either. We are both having stressfull lives but this was just rediculous for her to act this way. Today I called her and got her machine so I left a message. I thought nothing of it so I called back a few hours later and she picked up but told me to hold as she talked to one of her friends. I was on the phone for 40 mins waiting and just hung up. I called again and she did the same thing. I finally got to talk to her and I invited her over to watch movies and do a bit of cuddlin (amoungst other things), but she said she had some stuff to do with her friends.

She's been blowing me off lately to go hang out with her friends, who are mostly guys. When I called her cell to set up another date I slipped up and said something about her not wanting to be around me and she took offense to it so she hung up. I then called her back directly and she told me to fuck off because she'd rather hang around her friends than me and that's when I dropped the bomb and cussed her out.

I said some things I REALLY shouldn't have said. I don't ever remember being THAT angry at her before. I didn't accuse her of cheating because I know she'd never do that but she then hung up on me once more and I called back immediately and she told me she didn't want to talk to me, and she sounded fucking SERIOUS. I have no clue how to redeem this situation as nothing this extreme has ever happened between us. Any suggestions would be nice.

I apologize if this post is disorganized and full of gramatical errors and bad sentence structure.

well, if she's acting like this, find someone else.

I just got off the phone with her now and things look a wee bit better. I just asked her what her problem is and if she wants to end the relationship and she said her grandfather died and she's fucked up and wants to be left alone and that she really wasn't out with her friends. She just wanted to be left alone but didn't know how to communicate that to me.

She was REALLY close to her grandfather so I can see how this would mess her up and daze her. Damn, now I feel REALLY bad about what I said to her. What the hell do I do from here?

just apologize

Here it is in all of it's painful glory;

"...she talked to one of her friends. I was on the phone for 40 mins waiting and just hung up."

"..She's been blowing me off lately to go hang out with her friends, who are mostly guys."

"...she told me to fuck off because she'd rather hang around her friends"

"I didn't accuse her of cheating because I know she'd never do that"

Pretty much indicates that you are stupid.

Sorry.

Maybe I should have sugar coated that... Naaah. You really oughta be pised off. She hozed you man. Get some dignity back - anger is a quick way. Erase her cell # from your phone and never speak with her again. Don't even look at her. She is now lower than the most contemptable pond scum sucking fish. Find someone who deserves you. Or even better, find several someones and justy play for a while.

well, i wouldn't be like that...

I think his first instinct was correct. I've had lots of relationships in my life, some good, and some merely average. The behavior of people changes over time, and a 20 year old, and a 50 year old female is as different as can be. The 20 year old girls are operating on a formula. The reason that sometimes she avoids you, and other times it seems better is because while she's looking to trade up on you, she isn't totally sure it's gonna be a good thing with the new guy, and she wants to hold onto you in case it turns out bad, so she can come running back.

That's just how it is with 20 year olds. As you get older, so will the women you are attracted to. My current girlfriend is almost 50 years old, and she is the best thing I have ever had. She is sexy, beautiful, smart, loyal. etc

But you are probably like me when I was 20-30. I expected a kind of trust and loyalty that just doesn't exist out there. A few introverted guys have that, and a few of most every type of girl. You tell me, if a real knock out threw herself at you, would you really resist on the basis of not wanting to hurt your girlfriend. I'd resist, but most guys would not. Well, turn it around. Most girls sense that power they have over guys, and buddy, if they have it, they wield it.

Truth be told, I've always been happier alone, except for now and then. But if it is any consolation, as you get older, things get a lot better. Even for the beautiful women who are still sexy at 50, they have extremely few options. The shoe will be on the other foot in those days.

Just try to remember this is human nature, and theres no sense in trying to "talk it out". You can't "keep" a girlfriend, no more than a girl can keep a guyfriend. Just try and be wise to the blindness of love.....take what you get, and keep in mind that if you are a guy, things are getting better for you, worse for the girls. Take some solace from that fact. Its not really changable.

This happens from time to time but it does not mean that it is over.
People in relationships fight, its natural.
Just give her some time to cool off and you should controll your temper a litle bit, not that you are an angry person but it seems to me that you go over the top a litle in this situation.
When you call her back again stay cool, calm and think about what you are saying on the phone.
She sais that she is with her friends and you say that you are going to see a film (a film you know she likes) and pehaps do some stuff you know she wanted to do with you, doenst matter what it is cooking, take a walk, etc. youll think of something.
That is one idea, many others out there.
Hope this helps, a litle bit anyway.
Good luck!!

You were insecure because she was obviously hiding something. Now you know what it was you can deal with it in many ways. Firstly send her a card and tell her you are there when she needs/wants you. Say you are sorry for being an insecure idiot and that you love her. Then plan something good to do together for when she calls you.

:fluffle: Talk to her about her grandpa if she wants to. Ask her what he was like. What he did, where he came from how he met her grandma. Get her a photo frame for her to put a special photo of her grandpa in. She will really appreciate your thoughtfulness and realise just how sorry you are for being an idiot. Do tell us how it goes I'm a sucker for a love story

I'll preface my post by saying I'm a girl so have some insight into how some girls work... but even I don't understand all of us, or even myself sometimes!!

no i missed taht, thanx for pointing it out.
in that case, save the beer $ and buy flowers, lots and lots of flowers, and mabye a teddy bear ahhh and ya
write i love you on something and send it to her, and then come liek a minute after she gets all the love stuff and then jsut b like im sorry about g-pa

I wouldn't try this. If you shower her with presents and then visit, she's just going to feel more smothered, which is not going to work in your favour.

It does sound to me as though she's trying to decide whether to continue with this relationship or not and you have to let her come to the conclusion that is right for her -- unless you've already decided you want out, but that doesn't sound like the case here.

This is all complicated by the loss of her grandfather and I can't really comment because I've never lost someone close to me. I'd like to think that I'd look to the people that I love for support but I doubt if that would actually be the case.

Give her space. Send a card, call occasionally (i.e. not every day), just little things that let her know you are still there for her. If she wants the relationship to continue, she'll come back to you when she's sorted out her feelings about everything. Pushing things will only ever have negative results.

Thanks everyone, your help means a lot.

I still say that holding for 40 minutes was a sad and desperate thing. The fact that she let you shows that she cares almost as little about you as you do.

In a personal crisis a person usually lets their core personality trait take over - it can tell you much about a person the way they react to stress. I would say this person has some maturity issues that need to be worked out before they pursue a serious relationship, and so do you. I also don't buy her story.

I still think the smartest thing you could do, for her as well as for yourself, is walk away. If she pursues you then great, play hard to get. If not, then count yourself lucky.

Here's the latest on what has occured: Everything is fine now, she called me back and kept apologizing to me and she realised it was quite immature to do what she did to me. She's had time to think and she wants me to come over tonight so we can talk face to face. I think things are gonna be alright. She's a very VERY stubborn person and she comes from a family where she had to rely on herself to practically survive her abusive parents, so I can see why she didn't want my help on this but we've made it clear that the next time there's a problem communication is the key.

I read all the posts. And I've been married for 26 years - and we're still enjoying each other.

It sounds like your girlfriend is more your girl, and less your friend. If you have a girlfriend who isn't your friend first, and your girl second, that will be the root of problems until it changes, or the relationship ends.

The two of you need to figure THAT out.

Kissin' and cuddlin' and all is real nice - but it won't last 24/7. A true friendship will - and then the other is a real nice bonus.

I'm really glad it worked out. The fact that you stuck in there -speaking as a woman, I can say that that was probably a clincher. So many men will just give up. That shows you really love your gf. Best of luck!

I read all the posts. And I've been married for 26 years - and we're still enjoying each other.

It sounds like your girlfriend is more your girl, and less your friend. If you have a girlfriend who isn't your friend first, and your girl second, that will be the root of problems until it changes, or the relationship ends.

The two of you need to figure THAT out.

Kissin' and cuddlin' and all is real nice - but it won't last 24/7. A true friendship will - and then the other is a real nice bonus.

Actually we were friends first before we got together and she's always been a bit reluctant to share her problems. We are VERY VERY good friends she just never learned how to tell anyone what's going on in her mind, she doesn't even tell her friends. I'm the closest person she has and she's not used to having someone that close, or someone who can help her with her problems. It's just a bit unusual for her, but I'm glad she realised that she has to get out of this mindset. She knows she was wrong and she has promised it will never happen again. I trust her, I believe her, and if she fails to deliver on her promise then we won't be together.

Cuddlin' is nice, but like Rabbits said, You gotta be a friend when she needs it. I'm married (gonna be two years in July) and me and the wife will bicker over stupid stuff. But when she needs support, I give her support. Granted there are days I wouldn't mind strangling her, but they are few and far between. Let your lady know that if she needs to talk to someone about ANYTHING That you are there for her. Do something to show you appreciate her(not shagging, actually a gift). And give her one of these. :fluffle: .

I think the relationship was over anyway. You've just given her the excuse to be able to act the victim in all this. Which she will no doubt use to her advantage, even tho she was the one who first isolated you. This happens all the time, its not exculsive to ppls love lives. Honestly your better off with out her.