NationStates Jolt Archive

Space Marine Commandments:
1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adeptus Soritas as "Bolter Bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of the "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a shuttle.
2. Orks are not "cute."
3. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.
4. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a magic wand.
5. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over during battle.
6. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.
7. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.
8. You shall not dare others to eat Squigs.
9. No, you cannot "take the Titan for a spin."
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (in a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)
11. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.
12. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin, don't come a knockin."
13. The Chapter Master is not a "drag."
14. Thou shall not use Power Swords to cut your food.
15. Thou shall not ask a Sister if you might "donate some of your own Gene-Seed."
16. Thou shall not throw soap at nurglings.
17. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.
18. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".
19. Thou shalt not stick a 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' sticker on the Sisters' Rhino.
20. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying 'Honk if you think I'm sexy' on a Sister's Rhino.
21. Thou shalt not unplug the Golden Throne just "for laughs".
22. Thou shalt not make the Emperor read your palms, or call upon him as "Miss Cleo".

Funny, very funny, good work.

Half of it sounds like inside jokes to me...which went over my head...but, what I did understand, gave me a very hearty laugh, well done.

thanks I thought it was funny too I hoped y'all would like it

possible additions
Thou shall not use thy powersword to chop trees
Thou shall not use thy flamer to light fires
Thou shall not play punchrhino (colour) with chainfists
Thou shall not use the spotlights for shadowpuppets
Thou shall not use the Whirlwind for fireworks

Do not attempt to stop chainsword with hands or genitals

Thou shalt not dare thy Brother Marines to inhale toxic gas.

Thou shalt not juggle grenades.

Thou shalt not juggle mortar shells.

"Pucker up homos!" is not an Adeptus Astartes approved battlecry

Thou shalt not refer to Magneus Calgar as 'Papa Smurf'

Thou shalt not let an Ork be the designated driver

Thou shalt not clog the Lasscannon tubes “just to see what happens

Thou shalt not spread cooking oil in front of a dreadnaught.

Thou Shall not attach Beer bottles to your Helmate.

We will not accept shouting out of the phrase "The Emperor is Sexc" During prayers.

Chaos Marines are not one of your brothers, even if they where once, don't lend them money, Cars, and don't give them your tickets to see the Emperor.

"Those New Thingies" are Battle Barges, Don't touch them

No you can not take the Black Stone fortress for a test run

No you can not Take the Captured Craftworld for a Spin.

No you can not take the Slaaneshii Daemonett to your room before killing it.

Do not put Highly Powerful acid down the pants of your Seargent

Do not allow your Men to pour Highly Powerful Acid down your Power Suit pants.

Thou shall not keep Genestealers as pets
Thou shall not let the said genestealers lose in the populas of a planet (even if its your ex wifes)
Thou shall not use jump packs to "pick up" sisters
Thou shall not take the piss out of the Brother Dreadnought, even if hes dead and has a penis the size of a small shrivaled raison.

Nice job guys. As a space marine collector I understand all the jokes - just class :D

oh, that was hilarious! #5 and #21 were the best, lol.

The most experience I have with WH4K is the old video game (got it on underdogs :)), but I still find these funny.
This gets the Official Goblin Seal of Humour
http://www.greatescapetravel.com/album/AS2000/images/harp_seal.jpg
Ironicaly, its shaped like a seal.

aw, iso cute!

*cough* I mean, um... thats an interesting seal you have there.

Yea, I guess you do have to be a fanboy to get those, but it is worth spending a few hours brushing up on WH40K to read those

Do not attempt to stop chainsword with hands or genitals

You are wise temporal one.

Thou shalt not "do unto others before they do unto you" inside the chapter houses.

Thou shalt not drive the pylon.

Thou shalt not show up at the gates sloppily dressed in a uniform that half belongs to another chapter.

Because the chapter master did so is not a viable excuse for the proceeding offence.

My god this is funny as hell! I jsut about fell off my chair laughing!

Thou shalt not use overheated plasma guns for toasting marshmellows
The Dreadnought power weapon is NOT a tin can opener
Thou shalt not go to the toilet with power fist still attached
The Crozius Arcanum does not vibrate

Thou shalt not go to the toilet with power fist still attached

...ow...

its ok, the power fist will strike last

Space Marine Commandments:
10. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires.

What else is the point of being a Salamander?

thou shall not use vortex Grenades as a means to throw away your trash.
Thou shall not play kick the can with Dreadnoughts
Dreadnoughts will not play kick the can with Space marines
Thou shall not play Kick the Can with the chapter masters helmet

Vortex Grenades were in the first WH40K edition basicly making a vortex to some other place.

Any true fan knows what a vortex grenade is, lol.

Thou shalt not hire a Harlequin troupe to perform at your kegger.
Thou shalt not comment on the "wagon" thine Sisters of Battle be draggin'

Azrael's helmet-bearer is NOT a midget.

Thou shalt NOT call an IG Colonel "Mr-goody-goody-lasguns-don't-suck"

Thou shalt not redirect Lascannon power to the microwave

Thou shalt not permit the machine spirits to watch Stargate SG-1

Azrael's helmet-bearer is NOT a midget.

as a DA warmaster how did i not think of it!
but heres some of my own, let my know what u think!


28. Thou shall not ask thy heavy flammer to cook thy meals.
29. Thou shall not ask The Unclean One why he doesn't bathe.
30. Thou shall not decorate thy drop pod with christmas lights.
31. Thou shall not put thy fart machine in thy terminators armor.
32. Thou shall not ask to play tennis with servo skulls.
33. Thou shall not ask to barrow the battle barge for prom because it is "pimpin".
34. Thy Great Hall is NOT a ballroom.
35. Thou shall not ask a dreadnought for a piggy-back ride.
36. Thou shall not use an imperal guardsman as a shield, Thats not all they are good for!(they also make good distractions)
37. Thou shall not use the Tau droids as frisbees.
38. Thou shall not ask the Tau Ethereals for a 'boost'.
39. Thou shall not ask the Emperor to play Hide-and-Seek.
40. Thou shall not ask the Heavy Flamer for a light.
41. Thou shall not ask Bjorn to jumpstart the Rhino with his Lightning Claw.
42. Thou shall not tell Luthor to "put a sock in it!", he can't help it.
43. Thou shall not tell the keeper of secrets "secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone".
44. Thou shall not use the Red Grail with your breakfast juice. Likewise thou shall not eat Wheaties from the Red Grail.
45. Thou shall not ask the Adeptus Sororitas for a good luck kiss.
46. Thou shall not push the BIG RED BUTTON in the Chaos Planet Killer, Not even you could hate your mother-in-law that much.
47. Thou shall not ask a Space Wolf to play fetch, they don't find it amusing.

"Those New Thingies" are Battle Barges, Don't touch them

umm....battle barges arnt new, auctually they are older than most of the current spacemarines, some date back to the Horus Heresy. but it is still a good set tho.

C'tan are not "Scardy Cats" Because they have a weakness to the warp, for your saftly is is suggested you don't call them thus.

Imperial Guard are not to be placed into Mortars, they are ment to be killed by them.

Do not turn up to recive Lashes with Power Armour on.

Do not call The Eldar "Pretty Boys"

Do not call Necrons "Tin Cans"

Do not call Tau "Ass Face" No matter how much their faces look like them.

Don't Unpluge The Emperors Broadband to insert your own.

Infact, Inserting any part of you into any part of another thing is strictly fobiddin.

Stop feeling plesure, it gets in the way.

Stop feeling pain, it reduces your efficiancy.

Stop being so emotionless, would it kill you to feel pain or plesure every once and a while?

Stop feeling plesure, it gets in the way.

Stop feeling pain, it reduces your efficiancy.

Stop being so emotionless, would it kill you to feel pain or plesure every once and a while?

Those are some of the best ones! -still on the floor laughing-

as a DA warmaster how did i not think of it!
but heres some of my own, let my know what u think!


28. Thou shall not ask thy heavy flammer to cook thy meals.
29. Thou shall not ask The Unclean One why he doesn't bathe.
30. Thou shall not decorate thy drop pod with christmas lights.
31. Thou shall not put thy fart machine in thy terminators armor.
32. Thou shall not ask to play tennis with servo skulls.
33. Thou shall not ask to barrow the battle barge for prom because it is "pimpin".
34. Thy Great Hall is NOT a ballroom.
35. Thou shall not ask a dreadnought for a piggy-back ride.
36. Thou shall not use an imperal guardsman as a shield, Thats not all they are good for!(they also make good distractions)
37. Thou shall not use the Tau droids as frisbees.
38. Thou shall not ask the Tau Ethereals for a 'boost'.
39. Thou shall not ask the Emperor to play Hide-and-Seek.
40. Thou shall not ask the Heavy Flamer for a light.
41. Thou shall not ask Bjorn to jumpstart the Rhino with his Lightning Claw.
42. Thou shall not tell Luthor to "put a sock in it!", he can't help it.
43. Thou shall not tell the keeper of secrets "secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone".
44. Thou shall not use the Red Grail with your breakfast juice. Likewise thou shall not eat Wheaties from the Red Grail.
45. Thou shall not ask the Adeptus Sororitas for a good luck kiss.
46. Thou shall not push the BIG RED BUTTON in the Chaos Planet Killer, Not even you could hate your mother-in-law that much.
47. Thou shall not ask a Space Wolf to play fetch, they don't find it amusing.

Now those are some good ones.

No, you cant take Predator out
No its not a film
Yes its a fricking tank
no it didnt get its name from the film
yes it has guns
no you cant take it to the prom with you
i said no
dont make me tell you again, no no no dont insert that there.

"The rules of the predator tanks"

:d

its the best 40 k humor i have ever seen! its the only i have seen.... which means we need some more around!

dont dare your buddy to pull a wheely in a Titan
dont pull a wheely in a Titan
the Sisters of Battle are not in "that time of the month"
keep all sticks away from the Space Wolves

Thou shalt not permit the machine spirits to watch Stargate SG-1



Huh Why not.

And mine

Thy shall not use laser gun to hunt for food
Thy shall always shoot anything on the field that isnt a space marine

Thou shalt not build Crisis XV8 battlesuits and enter them in robot wars.
Thou shalt not refer to the great devourer as "That Fat Bitch"
Thou shalt not fool young imperial guardsmen into purchasing zoanthroapes as baloons.
The emperor is always watching you, so try to be entertaining.
Thou shalt not go into a space hulk full of genestealers with only 5 poorly equipped terminators, I mean really, how stupid can you get.
Abaddon the Despoiler is not on the christmas card list.
Thou shalt not play Rock,Paper,Scissors with the power fists.
Dark eldar bondage parties are forbidden.
Any Marine caught reading poetry with the Eldar will be shot for sissiness.

Half of it sounds like inside jokes to me...which went over my head...but, what I did understand, gave me a very hearty laugh, well done.
ditto... :D

hey we need to get a imperial guard bashing thread going, its so easy to diss them so lets make a thread out of it!!! if anyone does give me a telegram and let me know its name.

Thou shalt not refer to the great devourer as "That Fat Bitch"


OMFG! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

My only experience here is with the recent game, so Ill do my best :P

-Terror Squads are not 'cuddly'.
-Possessed marines do not want to be your friend.
-You bloody well better fear the Psyker.
-Do not make fun the the shape of the Eldar's heads.
-No, you may not install hydraulics on a Predator and use it to 'pick up some ho's'
-No, you may not do the same with the Golden Throne.
-'Thou Shalt Kill' does not extend to your commanding officers.
-'Waaagh!' does not indicate a retreat.
-Do not accept candy from the Forces of Chaos.
-Trying to 'talk things out' with Orks does not work.
-Bloodthirsters are not friendly.
-Do not attempt to clean your power armour during battle.
-Humerous comments such as "A duck? Where?" are not welcomed.
-Melta bombs are not to be used as footballs.
-Grotz are not to be kept as pets.

This is funny, but, unfortunately it's not the thread creators work. Still, i forgot about these. there's over a hundred on some website >_>

Thou shalt not permit the machine spirits to watch Stargate SG-1

I think that joke came from the Emperor's Pointy Sticks website. :)

bump

LMFAO!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is awesome...

:headbang:

I collect Guard, itd be quality to get a guard thread going!

NoMarine shall invite Sisters of Battle to the chapter "Night Battle Pracice".

Thou shall not submit the chapter Titan to 'Pimp My Ride'.

Thou shall not try to stick electricity cords in Necrons during battle.

Thou shall not play ballet music while being charged by Eldar.

Thou shall not ask to show a Sister of battle your "Gene-Seed Dispenser."

ORKIEZ FAT YEAH!!!!

*turns Caps Lock off*

I collect Guard, itd be quality to get a guard thread going!
What Army?

I do Cadians.

Yeh sameh here. Ive got a mechanized force. Currently starting Steel Legion. The look like wehrmacht guys!

[QUOTE=Blood Moon Goblins]My only experience here is with the recent game, so Ill do my best :P

-Do not make fun the the shape of the Eldar's heads.
-No, you may not install hydraulics on a Predator and use it to 'pick up some ho's'
-No, you may not do the same with the Golden Throne.
-'Thou Shalt Kill' does not extend to your commanding officers.
-'Waaagh!' does not indicate a retreat.
-Do not accept candy from the Forces of Chaos.
QUOTE]

HAHAHAHAHA!

Yeh sameh here. Ive got a mechanized force. Currently starting Steel Legion. The look like wehrmacht guys!

I might make a custom Harkoni Warhawk Army in the future. I'll use Elysian Jet Packs and Make Carapace armor.

Thou shalt not customize thy Rhino with go-faster stripes, undercarriage lighting, or spinners on the road wheels. An "RX" sticker will not makest it go faster, nor shalt painting it red do so either.

Thou shalt not take the time to raise thy bolter to thy shoulder and use the sight. Thou shalt take every shot from the hip and depend on group fire for effectiveness.

Thou shalt not complain about the Imperium's quality control on its munitions. (This one concerning the old 2nd edition rule where 1 out of 36 missed shots tended to blow any heavy weapon up)

Thou shalt not complain about the Imperium's quality control on its plasmaguns. (Same thing)

Thou shalt not whinge about how the traitor Marines get to have autocannon as heavy weapons and you don't.

Thou shalt not whinge about how you somehow failed to wound the Grot you shot with the lascannon.

Thou shalt stretch the squad coherency range to its limit, and you shalt break it whenever the enemy is not looking.

Thou shalt hit the Ork Trakks and Trukks filled with stacks of Orks with thy cubes of probability and claim accident by shouting "oops." Thou shalt then demand the proper following of the "if it falls off, it falls off" rule.

Cool, I love painting tanks, I have 12 tracked vehicles in my cadian forced.

Painting is a nussaince to me, I just love playing.

Where do you play? I play at southampton.

Texas.

Near Dallas to be exact.

=P

Ah. Southampton is in Hampshire, England, if you didnt know. Oh btw, I replied to your storefront.

I know, I've been to England and Scotland, and while England is a very nice place, I find Scotland beautiful. I'm getting married to a Scottish chick...

And thank you.

Check your tele's by the way.

Blood Angels, shalt NOT "visit" thy sisters durring "the flow"

Dark Eldar do not count as "kinky"

The Grey Knights' armour does not have count as "bling"

Nor does the rozarius count as "bling"

Thy shall not ask for anymore "Bling"!

"The Axe Effect" shal not be used on sisters

Brother shal not ask battle sisters "want to know what under my power amour?"

Do not call Battle sisters "phat" they are sensative, why do you think they have the whole fire and plasma theme going?

Do not text messege durring a battle

Do not ask the Chaplain for a virgin durring prayer

In the unexciting present, there is only Warhammer 40k.

Q: How many space marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100, one to screw it in and 99 to praise the Emperor.

Q: How many Guardsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, their lasguns work fine.

Q: How many Wraithlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, if you use THREE, we will all claim it is cheesy.

Q: How many inquisitors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to outlaw lightbulbs, and one to deny the existence of lightbulbs.

Q: How many Tau does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't screw them in. Their helmets are equipped with infra-red, heat and motion scanners along with camera linked to their drones which means they have to do no work at all themselves.

Q: How many Squats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh, wait. GW doesn't support them any more.

Q: How many Forgeworld light bulbs does it take to light a room?
A: Just one, but it is a deluxe halogen bulb at 250 watts and costs $87.

Failed Space Marine legion-names:

Bright Angels
Emperor's Grandchildren
Rabid Wolves
Blood Donators
Iron Feet
World Munchers
Supermarines
Mental Legion
Life Guard
999 Sons
Microsoft Word Bearers
Tadpoles
Beta Legion
Angels of Imperialism
Black Muslims
Heavy Metal Warriors
Black Monks
Constructors
Water Rats
Insect Legion
White Warriors
Black Panthers
Storm Midgets
Nice Weather Lords


Things you will NEVER see in the 40k universe:

Space Marine Girl Scouts
Sisters of battle Fire Engine
Sane World Eaters
A Space Marine carrying a dead gretchin as a battle-trophy
A gretchin carrying a battle-trophy
A Vegetarian Blood Angel
An Eldar way-stone at the Lost & Found
A crying Space Marine (oops! sorry, Lamenters
A Night Lord sunbathing
A plague marine polishing his armour
A Tau giving a high-five
A retreating Death Company Space Marine (if you DO see this, you're probably doomed)
A Khorne Berzerker leaving a skull behind
The Golden Throne caretakers on strike
An assassin, before it's too late...
A remote controlled Necron
A meeting at the BDA (Blood Drinkers Anonymous, Blood Angels only)
Games Workshop charging what models are ACTUALLY worth



What the Emperor's thinking:

"39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles..."

"You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck..."

"Why can't they hook up a Playstation 40,000 in here?"

"Damn, my foot's asleep again."

"You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..."


And now for something completely different:

Battlecry of the Word Bearers:
"How much word could a word bearer bear if a word bearer could bear words?"

Heard on many planets: "If Slaanesh is the lord of sexual pleasure, how come it's Tzeentch who's got a thousand sons?"

Death Guard Motto:
"A sickness a day keeps the Imperials away, and death at bay, or so they say."

Now showing in movie theatres in the Eye of Terror, the award-winning documentary/horror/action-movie: "Children of the Khorne"




Disclaimer: I would've loved to have written this, but I'll give this credit where it's due. A man named Void wrote this a while back. So cheers to Void for some good laughs.

ALL of it? or are some of those yours?

yep, supposedly he wrote all of it.

Bump!

Thou shalt not post in a "Space Marine Commandments" thread.

Thou shalt always make moral checks.

Thou shalt never use a lasgun as a christmas tree light.

Thou shalt not bring water within 100 feet of a sister of battle.

Thou shalt not make mean geneseed jokes.

Thou shalt never use thy power fist to open canned beef.

Thou shalt never use thy power fist to open canned ork.

Thou shalt always stick long tubes to thy neck in order to look threatening.

Thou shalt not play "Pin the tail on the dreadnought".

Thou shalt not make a bet as to who's geneseed is bigger.

Thou shalt never snicker during a gretchin attack.

Thou shalt never spike the punch at a Marine Feast.

Thou shalt not pin a "Kick Me" sign on the back of a terminator.

Thou shalt not try to use phsycic powers to "spread thy geneseed".

There are never any survivors in Space Hulks, so don't bother sending the boarding party.

Thou shalt not look a Biovore and think dirty thoughts.

Thou shalt never spike the punch at a Marine Feast.

aye for it will allways be spiked or it wont be a marine fest.

thou shall not play baseball with the servo skulls.

Thou shall not play 'monkey in the middle' with the imperial guard's weapons, THEY don't like it.

thou shall not give the bloodletter your ex-wife's address.

Thou shalt not refur to las guns as "mag lites".
Playing "fetch" with frag grenades and hormogaunts is NOT acceptable.
catachan spring mines are *not* filled with yummy candy and it is wrong to tell scouts that they are.
Thou shalt not run up to thunder hawks while they land with a bucket of water, a squegiee and a spounge and ask for 5 credits to wash their windscreen.
Thou shalt not perform live fire exersies on the chapter master's rhino even when it is parked in an area clearly marked "live fire zone".

I wish I knew enough about Warhammer to make jokes about it.

someone should make a Warhammer Fantasy version on this.

someone should make a Warhammer Fantasy version on this.

Know any Warhammer sources on the Internet?

http://www.Games-Workshop.co.uk

that usually works

http://www.Games-Workshop.co.uk

that usually works

But how to make a joke?

just find somthing that's humorous, use your imagination

just find somthing that's humorous, use your imagination

Though shalt not use the Imperial Guard to test how fast your Lemon Russ, Demolisher, Hellhound, or Chimera is.

Thou shalt not use the Imperial Guard to clear mine feilds, thats what orks are for.

Thou shall not give a 'Nid a cookie because he'll want to eat your world. And a glass of milk...

Thou shalt not ask Magneus Calgar to arm wrestle.

Thou shalt give the 'Nids indigestion

Thou shalt not ask Sisters if you can expierence other kinds of 'fire' ;)

Do not give the Emperor the finger.

Do not repeat rumors about the Emperor, no matter who you heard the tale about him and the Lemon Russ tank from.

Though shalt not pimp thy ride with images of the Emperor, especially not ones including a Lemon Russ tank.

Though shalt not rent Demolishers as demolition devices.

Do not insult the Emperor's choice of an army.

Though shalt not let hellhounds be manned by fireman.

Do not let suicidal maniac with bombs strapped to them into the Chimera.

thou shall not use thy imperial guardsmen to zero your weapons.

thou shall not use imperial guardsmen as clubs. Likewise thou shall not let the ogres do the same.

Thou shalt not ask what happened to the Squats; nor call the Ratlings or Ogryns cheap FT Skaven and Ogres...

You shall not use a jump pack to 'fetch the groceries'.
You shall not change the livery of your power armour because you feel the colours are 'drab'.
You shall not use your blessed bolter, nor any other sacred battle tool, to fix your shelves.
You shall not wake the Dreadnoughts to tell you a bedtime story.
You shall not wake the chapter master to tell you a bedtime story.
You may wake the Master of Sanctity to tell you a bedtime story.
The librarian is neither 'Up to some freaky shit', nor 'A dirty bastard psyker'.
You shall not use the Emperor's Tarrot to play poker.
You shall not squeeze a biovore to play Dodge the Sporemine.
You shall not squeeze a biovore for any reason.
Attempting to cleanse the Librarian of psychic taint will result in an hour in the naughty corner.
Do not refer to the Emperor as 'Daddy' or the 'Old Man'.
Do not attempt to claim several thousand years of unpaid child support from the Emperor.
The soul is not a toy.

A progenoid a day does not keep the Apothecary away.
There is no such thing as a psychic hoodie.
Techmarines do not have 'a shitload of bling'.
You shall not attempt to absolve the Dark Angels of their sins.
You shall not hide the Terminator teleport homer.
A Rosarius is not, no matter how effective, to be used as an umbrella.
An extra kidney is a privelidge, not a toy.

Just because you can spew acid, it does not permit you to play 'hilarious' practical jokes on other brethern

Do not say "it's the pants" when it is, in fact, the gloves.

Though shalt not call the Emperor a fairy.

Though shalt not perform Broadway Musicals on the battlefield.