NationStates Jolt Archive

So, I've mentioned my story a few times, but I'm a reletively obscure and often ignored poster who tends to write too long of posts, so I easily get overlooked I think...

Anyways, I've put together some of my favorite love songs that I feel apply to my relationship with a girl I want nothing more than to spend my life with, but who has changed her mind about wanting to be with me. So here goes a story told with 15 songs and 15 posts:

Track 1: Melissa Auf der Maur - "I'll Be Anything You Want"

Oooh love is fun (Care to dance?)

You're a boy, I'm a girl
Are you ready? Please
Lot's of fish in the sea
But is it her or me?
That's right, you'll see the light
All you need is me honey
Can't you see?

I'll be anything you want
If you love me more than you love yourself
I'll be anything you want
If you love me more than you love yourself
I'm on my knees, on my knees
Begging you darling please,
Please, please
Pick me, pick me, pick me

Someday, I have to say,
I'll be with you
We'll share a dance, romance
A little dinner for two
You'll be mine,
I'm yours it's fine!
Everything we ever dreamed of baby,
Is ours tonight

I'll be anything you want
If you love me more than you love yourself
I'll be anything you want
If you love me more than you love yourself
You'll be anything I want
If you love me more than you love yourself
I'll be anything you want

You'll be anything I want
If you love me more than you love yourself
You'll be anything I want
If you love me more than you love yourself
You'll be anything I want
If you love me more than you love yourself
Pick me

You're finished with your woman
Cause she is not me

I've been hooked to the internet since I was 16 years old, but I never was much for posting on message boards until I became interested in a purposed mmorpg that didn't pan out and was suspected to be a hoax and only posted there about my purposed plans for the game anyways, so losing it was no big deal. Then at 19, I was lead to the flash cartoon Ninjai, and before I even watched the cartoon, I was drawn to their Food for Thought section in their forums, and began posting at the beginning of November 2001. I stayed because at the time, there were a lot of interesting people posting a lot of interesting ideas, there were jokes to be made, intense debates and very heated arguments to be had, and I eventually became a dominant personality in the Food for Thought section early on without even trying, never even venturing to another section for over ten months, and when I did, I eventually went on to become one of the most recognizable and controversial member on the boards (one person honestly believes I'm some kind of cultist trying to corrupt the American way of life and was conspiring with the moderators, the one element I've always despised on those boards, to silence him exposing me by deleting his thread when I personally thought it was the funniest thing I read in my life, the poster went by the name desertdog and I responded with "Curses foiled again! And I would've gotten away with it too if it weren't for those meddling kids!" :D Pure comedy, it's tragic the mods deleted it).

Then there was her, Queen A-Jax (and not self-proclaimed either), she was young, sporratic, passionate yet reasonable and tolerant, prone to drooling, gnawing, and random violence with the help of killer bunny rabbits, basically almost as insane as I was, and I had always admired her, but our age difference was a problem, but still, 4 1/2 years isn't that bad, and a guy can dream, and over the next three years, I admired her from afar, never really getting the chance to interact with her on or off the boards.

I picked this song to be first namely for it's first line, and though I'm a guy and she's a girl, the song is kinda fitting in that we've both admitted that if given a choice, we would have been born the other gender... It's also a nice, upbeat and generally fun song that happens to be about simply wanting to be with the person the song is about, which coincidentally makes it the perfect intro to this story as well. ;)

Stay tuned for further installments! :p

Track 1: Jeporady Theme
Track 2: I can't fight this feeling-REO Speedwagon
Track 3: More than a feeling-Boston (Right down to the name of the girl in the song)
Track 4: Love at first sight
Track 5: Flight of the bumble bee
Track 6: Babe
Track 7: Random unrealated instrumental
Track 8: The Reason
Track 9: Hold on
Track 10: Someday
Track 11: Dance Macabre
Track 12: Something totally unrealated to everything to run underneath the credits.

If there is an album called "Pathetically Pathetic", then that's for me :p

the deadspace between something in the way and endless, nameless on the nirvana cd nevermind.

Yeah, I know it's been a while, and the few who saw this thread have probably forgotten about it, but shut up, I'm lazy, and this will probably be the lengthies post of the story as there's quite a bit of background to cover...



Track 2: Janis Joplin - "I Need a Man to Love"

[i]I need a man to love me
Don't you understand me baby
Why I need a man to love

I gotta find him, I gotta have him like the air I breathe
One lovin man to understand can't be too much to need

You know it can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be just loneliness baby surrounding me
No, no, no it just can't be
(No it just can't be)
There's got to be some kind of answer
(No it just can't be)
And everywhere I look there's none around
(No it just can't be)
It can't be
(No it just can't be)
Hear me now

Won't you let me hold you
Honey just close your eyes
Won't you let me hold you dear

I wanna just put my arms around you like the circles are goin around the sun
And let me hold you daddy at least until the morning comes

Because it can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be just loneliness baby surrounding me
No, no, no it just can't be
(No it just can't be)
Oh baby, baby, baby it just can't be no, no, no
(No it just can't be)
And why didn't anyone ever tell me now
(No it just can't be)
I wake up one morning and realize
(No it just can't be)
It can't be
(No it just can't be)

I need a man to love me
Oh, maybe you can help me, please
Why I need a man to love

But I believe that some day and somehow that it's bound to come along
Because when all my dreams and all my plans just cannot turn out wrong

You know it can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be now
(Oh no)
Can't be just loneliness baby surrounding me
No, no, no it just can't be
(No it just can't be)
Oh baby, baby, baby, baby it just can't be
(No it just can't be)
And who could be fooling me
(No it just can't be)
I got all this hope inside
(No it just can't be)
Come, come, come on, come on, come on and help me now
(No it just can't be_
Please can't you hear my crying[i]

I've known on some kind of level that I've wanted a serious, long term relationship since before I was 10. I have a cousin whom I've cared quite deeply about since the day we met, she lived hours north of us, so we didn't spend much time together when we were really young, but when I was 8 and she was 9, she moved to our city and started going to the same grade and school I did, living only like 10 blocks away from us. We spent so much time together, people thought we were a couple. I remember one time in particular we were over at her house playing together in her room, pretending we were dogs, and at one point, she was curled up, laying in my lap and I was looking down at her and stroking her hair, and I knew that I could spend the rest of my life in that moment and that there was little else that could match the feeling of simply being with someone I truly loved, even if it couldn't be her (as an incestuous relationship with a first cousin has never been an option either of us have been willing to explore despite how strongly we felt for each other).

Then, around the age of 9, my parents got divorced, and my father, who's brother was the father of the cousin who's been my soul mate since childhood, moved to Florida, and for a while, I moved with him for a while, but in the end, missed her and my friend too much and moved back, but by then, everything had changed. Without my father, we sort of grew apart, then elementary school ended and my closest friends ended up going to a different middle school, so I lost touch with them. I tried to hang out with my cousin at school in 6th grade, but it felt like she didn't even notice nor care that I was there, and I started to become depressed and withdrawn. Then 7th grade came along, and certain events which I won't get into caused me to become ridiculed and oustracized from most of my class, causing me to sink further into depression and to further isolate myself, but I did meet a girl who I became close to and saw once a week at the roller rink until the summer when I had to go to Florida to visit my father and gave her a kiss on the cheek good bye, never talking to her again after that.

This girl, along with one of her friends, at first had a bit of a rivalry going with me and my brother. We'd tease and harrass each other back and forth, and though it was all in good fun, you couldn't really call it a friendship. But then something changed, I know it was of no conscious effort on my part, nor do I really think it was on her's either, but somehow, we went from chasing each other around and calling each other names to holding hands and slow dancing together, and the rivalry blossomed into as much of a relationship as we were ready to deal with at our ages. This taught me that you don't have to force yourself into a relationship, that once you met the right person, it could develop naturally, so after we went our seperate ways, I just sat back and waited for it to happen again.

As I grew and went through high school, I was still depressed, still quite alone, but started to get into smoking pot and roleplaying, both of which helped, but I still desperately wanted to be with someone, and by the age of 16, I had become suicidal, and watched the people around me, my cousin especially, go from one bad relationship to another, each person involved seemingly trying to fulfill their own needs by using the other person, and I knew those relationships weren't based out of love, but out of their personal need to be with someone, and I knew that was not something I wanted, I didn't want to try to find someone to love me, I wanted someone to want me to love her, didn't want to be with her just because I was lonely, but because she wanted me to be with her and who'd love me as much as I wanted to love her.

I struggled through high school and my suicidal depression and despite failing 5 semesters of English (not because I was bad at English, but because the English curriculum was downright attrocious), still managed to graduate with 1 class of summer school, didn't get to graduate with most of my class, but I didn't care for most of them nor they for me since 7th grade anyways. I then tried to move back to Florida the next spring, only, due to my father doing his best to keep me and my step mother apart, then telling her one thing and me another, nearly destroying their marriage because of it, he opted to send me back to Wisconsin to save himself. It was that winter that I stumbled upon Ninjai, still depressed and suicidal and with a lot of thoughts on my mind that their forum Food for Thought actually gave me a chance to seriously discuss with people for the first time, and I was instantly hooked.

The next summer, I had met a guy at work that I got along greatly with and we ended up getting an apartment together, but then he lost his job and eventually found another hours away up north, then my car broke down completely, so I ended up having to stay with my mother again to use my step-dad's truck to get back and forth from work, resulting in my apartment getting robbed. It was at that point that I just said fuck it, I've been through enough, hit rock bottom too many times to kill myself now, if I could get through all that and at worse have to move back into my mother's house, I had it pretty good and could get through just about anything. I was basically cured of my suicidal depression. I was still lonely and still wanted someone, but I was doing a lot better than I was for a long time.

All the while, on Ninjai, now the place I was spending the majority of my time, there was A-Jax, whom I greatly admired, and who, unbeknown to me, was beginning to greatly admire me as well. But she was too young and we never had reason to interact on the boards, so we never did anything about it. Until this last November, I had been on the boards for 3 years, and finally decided it was time to post my picture. That's when she first sprung, drooling over my long blonde hair and clubbing me in the head to drag me off to her cave.

I didn't think much of it, in fact, even talked to another about having feelings for her and suggesting that maybe we could get together since her boyfriend at the time had decided to abandon her, but then he came crawling back and she took him back as she was pregnant with his child, so nothing happened between us. Then, on Christmas Eve, A-Jax was at it again, making rather suggestive comments, and after flirting back and forth, we finally had reason to add each other to msn, and she also took the opportunity to join my own web site and send me an extremely flattering private message, and it was during our first conversation on msn, after reading that, that I knew I had found the one I've been waiting for, the one who'd go out of her way to get my attention and show her interest in me, the one who wanted me to love her.