NationStates Jolt Archive


Ravean Reviews: AID(s)

Ravea
19-05-2005, 20:48
Or, Alone In the Dark (sucks)

I just watched this film last night, and boy, it sure aint pretty. Everything about this movie is extremely bad, from the acting to the "story", everything fails on every level. The only good thing to come from this movie is that Uwe Boll retains his title as the worst director.............EVER.

Background info: The movie is "loosely" based off a video game. I have never played the game, but I would assume that it is a total disgrace to the source material.

The Story: Some guy named Carnby (Christrian Slater.........HAHAHAHA) tries to unwrap the mystery of who he is. He also has a girlfriend (Tara Reid.........HAHAHAHAH) who plays some sort of smart person................HAHAHAHAHAHA. (If you dont know why I am laughing then you need to get your head pulled out of Gene Simmons ass.) Anyway, the story involves some pretty large plot holes as anyone would expect from a Uwe Boll film.

One scene has Reids character deciphering the markings from a 10,000 year old dead civilization, from which nothing exists except some small pieces of fake metal that is colored to look like gold. Now, using a little thing I like to call "Logic" I know it would be impossible to decipher the markings without it first being translated into a known language. Yet, Reid has a new fangled thing called a "computer" that magically translates it for her! Man, I wish I had one of those nifty things that can translate an unknown language!

Acting: POSSIBLY the worst thing in the movie, but its hard to tell since the rest of the movie is so horrible. Reid turns in her worst performance ever, and thats saying something. Slater looks like he is constantly taking a large shit in his pants, and Stephen Dorff (or however you spell it) tries to act all pissed off and hard assed but ends up blowing the shit out of himself (OOPS I gave away the ENDING!). Every actor, and even the extras are insanely horrible.

Dialogue:........................................................HAHAHAHAHAHA

Director: Not enough can be said about how horrible Boll is at the helm. He should be taken to Times Square and shot in the face. There are scenes in the film that make no sense and have no bearing on the overall plot. Also, there is the most awkward love scene I have ever witnessed (listen to the music for a laugh).

Extra stuff: Theres a serious problem with the production of the movie. Things in one scene that are destroyed are fine in the next scene (like the mysterious phantom cinderblock wall). The "Agents" are wearing dark colored visors on their helmets while they are fighting mostly invisible monsters.........at night. There are also some scenes in which you can clearly see the camera operator. Also, I guess they ran out of money for special effects so they use human "hosts" (see: Zombies) halfway through the movie. Theres also an odd scene in which a monster weighing no more than 300 pounds jumps on the end of an apache helicopter and forces it to go out of control............somehow.

There are just WAY too many things wrong with this movie to give it a green light. I give it a 1.1 /10