NationStates Jolt Archive

OOC:
For never was there a tale of more woe...

I figured I'd better post this, and make it official, because I've seen a few "Waiting on a post, K-stan" messages and "Hey, get your ass on the forums, K-man!" instant messages. I'm not dead, nor am I back as a cyber-zombie, chomping on my motherboard, lusting for digital brains to consume. Rather, a horrid turn of fate has once again deprived me of constant internet access. Now that the withdrawal shudders have subsided, and the fever dreams have receded to mere five minute intervals, I've clawed my way to a more public terminal to fill you in on the grisly details. Here we go. (Deep Breath!)

It all started when I tried to upgrade to a SATA drive. For those of you not in what we call, "The Know", that's a Serial ATA Hard Drive... erm... it means smaller cables. (The old parallel drives had these big gray IDE cables that provided enough span for a 747 jumbojet to lift on, and clogged the drive.) The other, and more important benefit of SATA, is that it's one and half times as fast at transfering the data from the drive to the board.

Anywho, I decided to slap a new multi-hundred gigabyte SATA drive into Old Bessie, and to transfer all operations unto it. Digging through the fasteners and cable wraps, I couldn't spy any SATA ports, so I headed off to Best Buy (*ominous bells toll*). I quickly assertained the parts I would need; namely, the drive and a SATA card for my PCI slot. Set and happy, with only a hundred and fifty bucks down the hole, I returned to install.

At home, things moved along smoothly, and I quickly had the card installed and drivers transfered from CD to the computer, and then I slapped in the new drive. I formatted it to be the new boot device, and used Ghost to transfer the contents of my old Parallel ATA drive to it. Feeling confident, I clicked "Reboot", and thus sealed my fate.

Bang! That was the sound it should have made, a sudden sharp crack foretelling destruction; but there was no clarion call, and the computer seemed to boot normally from the SATA drive. Windows popped up, chimed its siren song, and I settled down. "Hmm, " said I, glancing to my shortcuts, "Office and Norton AV seem to have a problem, for they have broken links." Well, I could just re-install Office, but I wanted my security back up, so I checked out Norton.

Now, I've never had a problem with Norton AV before, and Symantec products have always worked well for me, so I expected no speedbumps along my path. To my surprise, I found a spikestrip.

Norton would not function. "Well, it is only NAV 2004. I should upgrade while I think about it." So I putzed down to my local superstore and picked up a discounted Norton 2005. I returned home, slapped it in the drive, clicked install-

Cannot install, because an older version is present on the system. Please uninstall Norton Antivirus 2004.

Ok, no problem, right?

Would you like to automatically uninstall NAV2004?

Well, that must have been a rhetorical question, because when I clicked yes, the answer was, "So would we!"

Cannot uninstall. Please go to Add/Remove programs and manually uninstall.

Alright, something glitched, no prob. I know how to do this! I just click on over, close out my background ops, and run Uninstall.

Cannot uninstall. A newer version is present on the system.

Oh, fuckzorz! "Safe mode time." I say, falling back on years of experience.

Nope.

Cannot uninstall. A newer version is present on the system.

Okay, lets get rid of 2005.

Cannot uninstall. An older version is present on the system.

GODDAMNIT!

At this point, that reformat nuclear bomb is looking tempting. I'd roll back windows, but I've significantly changed the hardware. I can't just retreat. "Forward, lads, into the smoke and lead!"

I don't want to blow out the drive yet, so I start puzzling. Mind you, it's about three AM now, and I'm amped on Red Bull alone, so my thought process is a wee bit jumpy. "Ok, I'll erase ALL TRACE of Norton.

Task Manager: All non-essential background ops killed, even Explorer.

It's time to go pseudo-DOSing! I boot up the run command, input CMD, and begin tracking Norton, killing every folder, every file, every link. For some reason, there are three files I cannot kill. "Well, those couldn't be enough to screw it up."

Go to the registry, start purging.

It's clean. I'm set. Reboot, and run NAV2005 install again.

SUCCESS! It doesn't tell me it can't install because an older version is present! Wait-

Cannot install because NAVINSTALL.EXE is missing.

What? It can't install because there's nothing installed? Whiskey tango foxtrot? I try to restore the Recycle Bin. Nope! The recycle bin was corrupted by the Hard Drive transfer, and I never knew it. EVERYTHING IS GONE!

It's gone too far, I can't recover! I reach over, transfer what I need to another drive, and slap the Windows XP CD into the drive. EAT THIS, NORTON!

"I'll blow everything to hell and gone, and just start over, and it will be fine!" Surely I could escalate this conflagration beyond the computer's ability to retaliate...

How wrong I was...

TO BE CONTINUED.

So, Windows is installing, with its calming blue and gray box text. I'm watching the reports fly past, and then-

INSTALL WINDOWS ON DRIVE:
NO HARD DRIVE DETECTED.

Huh? "No drive detected? I'll detect you drives, you overgrown blender!" Threatening your inanimate objects always works wonders, you know, but this time, the computer isn't negotiating.

Wait! I know what's wrong! It's not seeing the new SATA drive through the expansion card. I'll just install the drivers from the CD, and it'll be cool.

I should have known my folly the instant "Drivers" and "just install" came together in the same sentence. For some obtuse reason, when the lords at Microsoft sat down to program XP, they wrote every inch of it modern, updated, and unlike previous versions of Windows... yet they did not let it read CDs in the boot process. No, in a tribute to the god of obsolescence, they delcared that, "Windows shalt only readeth from thine FLOPPY DRIVE!"

Did I mention that I, the sheik technophile on the bleeding edge of technology, the avant-garde prophet of the future, had no floppy drive? Yes, 'tis true, for I had ripped the old warhorse from my system years before, and had cast it down into the ninth layer of the refuse pit, giving homage to the god Teknawlogey and declaring that I would never again defile myself with magnetic drives. The Curse was was put upon me then by the Demon Murphy, but I did not know it yet. Yea, I would pay a heavy fine.

So I found myself again at Best Buy, holding in my hands a floppy drive, deprived of twenty dollars for the pinnacle of technology of the eighties. I dropped the box into my trunk and tried to scrub my hands, "Out damned spot, out!" But the stain was there, and I had had to pay to receive it. I had been hosed by a clerk who did not know an ATX formfactor from a BTX.

But this is Ohio, and it was nine pm. I could either suffer a broken computer, or I could bend over, spread my legs, and say I was a "dirty, dirty boy" for Best Buy. Bleeding, and walking like a cowboy, I returned home with my ill-gotten "prize".

I quickly installed the new Floppy Drive, inserted the driver disk, and began anew.

The drivers ticked by, and Windows prompted me for any additional drivers to search for.

Select Drive

Why they ask, I don't know, since it ONLY READS FLOPPY DRIVES! Maybe it's for people who are trying to get some sort of masochistic Guiness record for having the most floppy drives slapped into one box, but I digress. I select the A: drive, and the green light turns on.

No Drivers Found

The vein in my temple is now about as wide as a dime, and pulsing to the stacatto beat of the floppy drive's rotation. I try again.

No Drivers Found

"Repent, for the end is at hand!" I'm standing over my case, weilding a sledgehammer, my eyes crazed. Something in me, something removed from the rage, speaks up. Calm you will. Anger of the dark side is.

Okay, time to find a solution...

Use the force, K-man.

Problem: I've stepped over the line, the computer won't boot. If it did, Norton would still be having a shit-fit. I think I just killed the cat with a hammer.

Solution: Okay, scratch everything, go back to the IDE drive, install Windows... just Windows. Format the new drive, install Ghost, and transfer Windows. Then, install everything else. Oh, and find a new cat before my sisters figure out. Maybe I'll make some roof-rabbit stew...

I set about to a course of action, and Windows re-installs smoothly onto the old drive. I'm out of the pit now, right?

HAHAHAHA!

TO BE CONCLUDED...

Everything's installed now, the computer is re-booting...

Time to install drivers for the hardware. That's easy enough. I'll just install the drivers for the SATA card, and then read from the driver folder in that full WINDOWS/System32 folder.

For some reason, the plan worked so much better in my head.

No Drivers Found

Bullshit! I can see the damn drivers!

Okay, that plan's not working, I'll just have to install from the CDs. Thankfully, I'm Obsessive-Compulsive, and I've kept every CD over the years! I install each and every driver.

Why isn't the internet working?

"Oh, shit." A year ago, my onboard LAN blew out, and I had to put in a LAN Card. I did this at a LAN Party, and I don't have that driver CD anymore. Nooooooo!

Again, I go to the full drivers' folder on the other HDD, those elusive and phantom .dll files, and I try to force the computer to find them, singling them out one by one. Like Tantalus's grapes, they slip away from every grasp, and the computer begins to taunt me:

Cannot find drivers. Would you like to search the internet for more drivers?

As a matter of fact, I would! I would absolutely fucking LOVE to surf the internet!

I click yes, but it just laughs at me.

I'm on the cusp of madness now, shaking and pointing at my computer, foiled again by the Demon Murphy. I'll have to go elsewhere, download the correct drivers, and bring a CD to load it up. I open my computer to get the numbers on my card, and then, it glows before my eyes, the final insult to my injury-

As I pull away the morass of IDE cables, I expose, beneath the PCI slots... two SATA ports. They were there all along, and my entire windows driver escapade was but a sideshow to the horror. I had been hosed doubly.

Mind numbing rage claimed me, and I simply closed the case and walked away, not returning for an entire day.

Upon my return, the computer was waiting, lying like a jungle cat, ready to pounce upon my suffering. I booted the system, with my CD ready.

It loaded from the SATA drive, somehow. It loaded from the original problem drive, broken Norton and all. I rebooted.

It booted from the "cannot-find-the-internet" drive. A sudden thought overtook me, and I rebooted again.

Norton.

Internet.

Norton.

Internet.

It was methodical, maniacal. There were two working, broken copies of Windows on my computer. If I wasn't the victim of this insipidity, I would have laughed. Instead, I simply reached into the case, and disconnected the power to the SATA drive. Now, I would control what booted.

NTLDR not found That's all it said at the boot screen. White letters on black, that single blinking cursor. It wouldn't boot.

The fuck?!

I plugged the SATA drive back in, booted.

It booted the P-ATA drive. This was ludicrous. I rebooted.

SATA. PATA. SATA. PATA.

I disconnected the Parallel drive.

NTLDR not found.

I did not have, as I thought, two dysfunctional versions of Windows. I had one, Multiple-Personality Disorder afflicted version of Windows. Two facets, both broken, neither of which functioned without the other.

I tried to install Norton on the old, formatted drive, just out of a sneaking suspicion...

Cannot install NAV2005 because an older version exists on the system.

THE DAMN THING COULD NOT FIND DRIVERS WITH A MAP AND BOTH HANDS, BUT IT CAN SURE AS HELL PICK OUT REMNANTS OF NORTON AV ON THE OTHER DRIVE AT 600 PACES!

The world went black.

When I came to, I expected to find bodies. Instead, there were only broken Twix wrappers. Problem averted.

The computer was still there. Problem detected.

I glanced to the window, overlooking the pool. Yes... one quick heave, and it would be over for this monstrosity.

No! That would let it win.

But I only had one option left. With Windows as it was, I was hesistant to muddle any more with the interior. Instead, I would have to contact Symantec tech support. For those of you not in the know on this, Symantec makes great products. They also make you pay five bucks a minute in order to get told to send an email and reboot your system. Given a choice between pouring tobasco in my eye and calling tech support, I'd take the tobasco in both, no blinking allowed.

This was murder on my ego, and I was fed up to here*. (Here is roughly akin to the Sears Tower right now.) I'd let myself cool off before taking the plunge.

But then, wonder of wonders, my computer solved my problems for me. As I turned away, I heard a sudden squeal, and a spray of sparks lunged from my motherboard. My computer had turned into an arc welder, with flying shocks and dripping solder. "Oh, sweet Mother of God!"

I pulled the plug, but it was too late. Some scrap of moral electronics had saved me, a noble sacrifice, taking itself out in order to bring down Norton and the schizophrenic Windows.

But Murphy was still laughing.

And I have no computer.

It's been a week or so, and I'm recovering. I'll fix it soon. Someday. Maybe.

Until then, I'll be glaring at my new thousand dollar paperweight, and absent from the forums.

Learn this tale well, fellow forumites, and FEAR! when you defy the Demon Murphy, and his henchmen Norton and Windows.

Signing out,
K-stan

Your computer has clearly corrupted your knowledge of where things that have nothing to do with roleplaying go.

Whateva. Just get your ass back in that RP...In the Place...With The stuff...And the big dogs...

^.^

You are the only person besides myself who I have ever heard say "whiskey tango foxtrot" XD

Kudos :D

Dear God, K-stan...My pity and stiffled laughter goes out to you...

Just get back when you can. Remember, demons and computers have eternal lives. You don't.

Somehow, EA has something to do with your plight. I have no idea how, but it does.

Laptop-hating bastards.

You should have seen the hell I went through one time, swapping drives, video cards, formatting harddrives and installing XP Pro a record FOURTEEN TIMES...only to find out 2 days later that my 512meg stick was corrupt. :headbang: