NationStates Jolt Archive

Voices in your head telling you to burn things?

Girlfriend cheating on you with your mother?

Recently elected President by confused Florida voters?

Then look no further! ASK ROTOVIA!

I did a breif psych course with my drama degree that I abandoned... so it's Dr Rotovia to you!

My advice will most likely be riddled with spelling, grammar and logically inconsistancy and constitute a violation of both medical and canon law!

So shoot away you horney little bandicoots!

Dear Rotovia,

Is it true you are hardcore? More hardcore than the Pope and twice as sexy as the sexpot (God Rest His Soul) JPII?

Dear Rotovia,

Is it true you are hardcore? More hardcore than the Pope and twice as sexy as the sexpot (God Rest His Soul) JPII?
Why yes. Yes, it is!

dear rotovia-could you make me a sandwhich?

dear rotovia-could you make me a sandwhich?
This is like asking Could God make a rock so large, he himself could not lift it.

I hope that helps you overcome your addiction to homosexual bapist hats.

Dear Dr. Rotovia,
Would you be so kind as to return my pants?

Whats the best way to get the love of your life; kidnapping or cash handouts?

Dear Dr. Rotovia,
Would you be so kind as to return my pants?
Short answer: no. Long answer: They are needed for an occultic ritual involving virgins and goat's blood, I like to call it "The Australian Federal Elections".

I hope that helps your proctologist find a cure for llamas.

Whats the best way to get the love of your life; kidnapping or cash handouts?
Your problem is you expect to much from your relationships, give up and date your cousin.

I hope this helps you overcome your fear of rusty nails.

To whom it may concern,

thank you for your tree.

[signed]
Cat Woman

Dear Rotovia,

I accidentally came in my pants, what should I do now?

Dear Rotovia,

I accidentally came in my pants, what should I do now?
Let me begin by telling you that unless each and every sperm is individually placed into a womb you will go to hell.

Secondly you should wrap yourself in alfoil (tinfoil) and sign God Save The Queen backwards in a bathtub full of jelly and biscut crumbs.

This should help you bake the perfect onion soup.

Dear Rotovia,
I'm having trouble signing in on my University's wireless LAN. What should I do?

Dear Rotovia,

I keep getting e-mails telling me I need a second mortgage, can get a university degree for 1000 US dollars and that girls will not love me if I do not take up their offer to change my penissize to 10 inches.
However, I spend most of my private time living on a yaught, teach on 3 universities, and am unwilling to have 5 inches cut off. What should I do ?

Dear Rotovia,
I'm having trouble signing in on my University's wireless LAN. What should I do?
The internet is the tool of the Devil, go read a Bible. If you are a member of a religion that condones freedom of thought, then I suggest coating your computer in honey... attaching a coathanger to your USB port and attempting to use telepathy to connect. Failing that resort to kinky sex with a minor.

I hope this helps you bury the body of your first octopus.

Dear Rotovia,

I keep getting e-mails telling me I need a second mortgage, can get a university degree for 1000 US dollars and that girls will not love me if I do not take up their offer to change my penissize to 10 inches.
However, I spend most of my private time living on a yaught, teach on 3 universities, and am unwilling to have 5 inches cut off. What should I do ?
Firstly unless you have at least 15 mortagages on your property and have declared bankruptcy at least twice you have made piss poor finanial decisions. Go hire a cheap whore and cover her in melted cheese.

Secondly, you can make literally twos of dollars by selling your degrees on Ebay. I suggest including your kidneys to clear a cool five bucks!

Thirdidityly, unless your penis is so large that it makes horse run in terror you are a pindick. Pop some herbal pills, strap a weight to your balls and think of England.

I hope this helps with your attraction to womens pants.

Dear Dr. Rovotnik,

Why didn't I get an onion soup?

Dear Rotovia,

Is pre-marital sex really that bad?

Dear Dr. Rotovia,

For years I have had the feeling that everyone hates me. What should I do?

*Whispers furtively in AV's ear* "Kill them all ..."

dear rotovia,
my hat addiction has cleared up. bump?

Dear Rotovia,
I "accidentaly" ran over this guy..and uh I don't know what to do?

Voices in your head telling you to burn things?

Girlfriend cheating on you with your mother?

Recently elected President by confused Florida voters?

Then look no further! ASK ROTOVIA!

I did a breif psych course with my drama degree that I abandoned... so it's Dr Rotovia to you!

My advice will most likely be riddled with spelling, grammar and logically inconsistancy and constitute a violation of both medical and canon law!

So shoot away you horney little bandicoots!

Well, ive had a really bad day in general, too complex to explain but the main thing is, i'm sposed to be playing in a band tonight with one other girl and two guys. Both the guys pulled out, leaving us with no guitarists... what do i do?

Well, ive had a really bad day in general, too complex to explain but the main thing is, i'm sposed to be playing in a band tonight with one other girl and two guys. Both the guys pulled out, leaving us with no guitarists... what do i do?

Would it help if I had both these guys killed?

Dear Dr. Rovotnik,

Why didn't I get an onion soup?
Because it is the secret cure to communism.

I hope that helps you uncover the secret plot by doctors to use herpes to take over the US Superbowl.

Dear Rotovia,

Is pre-marital sex really that bad?
Yes, in fact per-marital sex will cause your genitals to rot and fall off. Believe me, I read it in a sci-fi book once. You can just re-attach them with glue or alternatively eat them tobasco sauce.

Remember: God loves everyone, except you and your commie friends. :fluffle:

Dear Dr. Rotovia,

For years I have had the feeling that everyone hates me. What should I do?
Kill them. Kill them all. Especially the children... they hate you the most.

I hope this helps you enter the Preisthood.

*Whispers furtively in AV's ear* "Kill them all ..."
When you half finish a psych class and forget your notes during tuition you can give advise as a Fully Qualified Guy Person... ok?! Scheesh....

dear rotovia,
my hat addiction has cleared up. bump?
Your problem is that you think everything is about you. It is. But that doesn't mean anyone cares. I suggest a course of vodka and sleepin pills.

Remember: Anything you find under your sink is safe to stick up your neighbour's dog's arse.

ha. no one gives advice like the great occidio multus. and i mean no one.

Dear Rotovia,
I "accidentaly" ran over this guy..and uh I don't know what to do?
First of all, scrape him out from under your bumper-bar. Next tapdance on a pile of burning chairs whilst drinking a glass of urine. Failing that, repaint you car... I think I saw that work on CSI.

I hope this helps you in your quest to find the jade monkey.

Well, ive had a really bad day in general, too complex to explain but the main thing is, i'm sposed to be playing in a band tonight with one other girl and two guys. Both the guys pulled out, leaving us with no guitarists... what do i do?
Firstly, stop lying to your mother. I hear that cause cancer. Also, save up all your ejaculant over a two month period and sell it on Ebay. Now, onto the problem at hand. Clearly your friends hate you. This is because you don't have enough kinky sex. Hire a hooker and insist she a watermelon on her head whilst you pelt her with onions and leeks.

Remember: Pizza boxes contain little to no caffine and may be used as an excellent substitute for bullet-proof glass.

Firstly, stop lying to your mother. I hear that cause cancer. Also, save up all your ejaculant over a two month period and sell it on Ebay. Now, onto the problem at hand. Clearly your friends hate you. This is because you don't have enough kinky sex. Hire a hooker and insist she a watermelon on her head whilst you pelt her with onions and leeks.

Remember: Pizza boxes contain little to no caffine and may be used as an excellent substitute for bullet-proof glass.

Well, you succeeded in making me laugh :)

Would it help if I had both these guys killed?

No, not really.

No, not really.
Go play the Washing Board!
Id help but....
1)Im not in Australia
2)I cant play the 'tar
3)I'd make this my advice thread!

Lashie is awesome! :D

Go play the Washing Board!
Id help but....
1)Im not in Australia
2)I cant play the 'tar
3)I'd make this my advice thread!

Lashie is awesome! :D

lol, thanks... it turned out that it didn't matter cause the guys playing before the non-existent-us blew the amps so we couldn't have played anyway... :rolleyes:

Dear Dr Rotovia

I've lost my car keys and my dog needs to be taken to the vet. What should I do?

Dear Dr. Rotovia,

Someone I know has a problem and I want to help them. Can you help?

~Czardas

Dear dear dear Rotovia,

I'm begining to doubt that 'every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great' if my sperm is wasted, will you get irrate? And will you be my personal saviour from this Ham induced coma I seem to be in?

Dear Dr Rotovia,

I seem to only have one of everything.
monobrow
Mono personality
monoboob
monofoot
mono eye

what can I do

Dear Rotovia,

I desperately want to have a question to ask you, but I don't. What do I do?

Dear Dr Rotovia

I've lost my car keys and my dog needs to be taken to the vet. What should I do?
Buy a cat.

I hope this helps you bury the volumes of goatse porn you downloaded.

Dear Dr. Rotovia,

Someone I know has a problem and I want to help them. Can you help?

~Czardas
Let's begin by addressing your first problem, acne! I reccomend treating each new pimple with vaseline and vodka... alternatively you could move to a country where acne is veiwed as sexy (ie Canada... as is my understanding).

Now you claim to have a friend with a problem, this friend will only bring your own self loathing to new heights of suicidal ranting. Darwin it and murder your friend in their sleep. Survival of the fitest or whatever.

In closing I remind you that I care so little for my readers that I fear I'd actually hate their friends and be unable to help. This is caused mostly by planetary misallignment.

Remember: There's no "I" in teamwork, so contribute as little as possible to your AA meetings.

Dear dear dear Rotovia,

I'm begining to doubt that 'every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great' if my sperm is wasted, will you get irrate? And will you be my personal saviour from this Ham induced coma I seem to be in?
Clearly not every sperm is sacred and not every sperm is great and I assure you when I sperm is wasted I don't get quite irrate. I further remind you that Monty Python is a sound basis for all of life's decisions.

To avoid lapsing into Ham induced comas consume one can of Spam to every three cans of Ham, Spam contianing the rare anti-Ham strain of the Ebola virus should keep you farely non-comatose. Though it may induce violent blood-filled anal spasms.

If you should find yourself in such a situation again, remember that by running towards a flaming balls of human excriment, you can save your soul from eternal damnation.

I hope this helps you to realise that not only is God not found in a bowl of jelly, but that Brittany Spears lost her virginity to her pet rock.

Dear Dr Rotovia,

I seem to only have one of everything.
monobrow
Mono personality
monoboob
monofoot
mono eye

what can I do
By a monorail and monopoly. Failing that you should take the nearest stick of butter and cram it into your ears until you hear a poping sound.

Remember: There is no object too large to shove up your nose, safely.

Dear Rotovia,

I desperately want to have a question to ask you, but I don't. What do I do?
I would begin by telling your mum why you insist on cuming on your dad's shoes. Failing that I good poke in your earhole with a sufficantly rusted fork should help to bring on plenty of intelligent questions.

I hope this helps you in your quest to find the Holy Grail.

Dear Dr Rotovia,

Where might I go about finding myself an attractive member of the opposite sex?

Dear Rotovia,

Communists keep stealing my lawn gnones! What do I do?

Dear Dr Rotovia,

Where might I go about finding myself an attractive member of the opposite sex?
Castrate yourself. Simple.

Remember: In some countries it may be illegal to kill your cat with a rusty knife whilst walking backwards.

Dear Rotovia,

Communists keep stealing my lawn gnones! What do I do?
Fight fire with fire and move to Albania. As is my understanding the entire country excist underwater and eats fruit dunked in vodka for breakfast. It may be nassacary to cut breathing holes in your neck.

I hope this helps you remove the sex stain from your hat.

Fight fire with fire and move to Albania. As is my understanding the entire country excist underwater and eats fruit dunked in vodka for breakfast. It may be nassacary to cut breathing holes in your neck.

I hope this helps you remove the sex stain from your hat.Actually, I've been to Albania and it does not excist underwater. It excists on land like the rest of us. Or anyway, its people excist on land and are famous for their excistion.

As for the fruit dunked in vodka, they do do that. And it's good. :)

I hope this helps you turn into a butterfly.

~Czardas, Supreme Ruler of the Universe

Actually, I've been to Albania and it does not excist underwater. It excists on land like the rest of us. Or anyway, its people excist on land and are famous for their excistion.

As for the fruit dunked in vodka, they do do that. And it's good. :)

I hope this helps you turn into a butterfly.

~Czardas, Supreme Ruler of the Universe
I hope your testicals shrink to the size of raisonettes!

Such is the punishment for angering the great Dr Rotovia :mad: . . . :fluffle: