NationStates Jolt Archive


Advice/Criticism Needed - Topic: Freedom of Speech

Credonia
14-05-2005, 23:05
Ive written an essay for an essay contest that I plan to submit it to. I would like to have some criticism on it please since i want the $200 1st place prize (it aint much but hell, thats $200 more than i got now lol). I wont explain what the specific topic is because the paper does that itself. Thanks in advance
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Freedom of speech, an ideal that has been the centerpiece of American democracy is one of the most argued over rights in modern times. The American constitution, solidified by the Bill of Rights, states that “Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech”, However, more and more we see that our rights and freedoms are being challenged and consolidated all over the country, in all levels of government from federal to local. Recently, the attack upon our freedom of speech has come to the city of Flint, and now it is time for us to speak out about it.

The famous rock, located on the corner of 12th street and Hammerberg road in Flint, has for over three decades stood as a pinnacle of the American principle of freedom of speech as a public forum. Many would say that it us silly to complain and fight over the right to write on a slab of concrete, however, we are not just fighting for the right to write on a rock. We are fighting for the principle behind the right to do so. We are fighting for much more than the freedom of free speech. We are fighting for the freedom of self-expression. We are fighting for the ideals and principles that this great nation was built upon, and that so many lives have been lost defending. We are fighting for our culture, our way of life, and what makes us who we are and the very things that define us as a unified people, unified Americans. We are fighting because something so small has the power and ability to set a dangerous precedent that will spread like wildfire, destroying the very ideas and governing principles that our great nation, the United States of America, was built upon. We are fighting against the destruction of the very heart of our nation, for if our freedom of speech and our freedom to express ourselves was taken away, everything that we as Americans, governed by the constitution of the United States of America that was created by our forefathers, have fought and died for would have been done in vein.

Many people are outraged over the banning of the right to paint on ‘The Rock’. The rock provides the public with an outlet for freedom of expression in a fashion that is non-violent, non-disruptive, creative, and original. Contrary to many people’s belief, this issue will set a precedent that would allow government on all levels to begin curbing our freedom of speech and expression by limiting the available public forums available to us to exercise such freedoms. We have seen in the past the American freedom of speech exercised right here in the city of Flint on a massive level. Just this past year, in the month of May, Flint was the site of the ‘Marijuana March’, which was a protest to legalize marijuana, an addictive and dangerous drug. Did the Mayor or any government institution move to stop the people from marching downtown? No! Why should there be a ban on using a rock to express love, sorrow, or discontent in a peaceful way when we are allowing people to march and assemble for the purpose of pressing city and government leaders to legalize an illegal drug? Which is more disruptive and disturbing? The answer is not hard to figure out. Are both the ‘Marijuana March’ protesters and people who write on ‘The Rock’ not utilizing and taking full advantage of their freedom of speech and expression granted to them by the American constitution? Yes they are, and to ignore that fact would be an act of sheer disregard for the constitution, the ideals and principles that this nation was founded upon, and disregard for the very things that our brave husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, children, and friends have served their country and made the ultimate sacrifice in defense of these ideals, principles, and our way of life, the American way of life, have fought and died for.

We must not allow government to act and capitalize upon a dangerous precedent set by the banning of the freedom of speech and expression by utilizing a slab of concrete to peacefully express our feelings and emotions. It is our right, it is our duty as American citizens, governed by the constitution of the United States of America, the same constitution that granted and guaranteed us those rights, to protest any and all laws that attempt to abolish those rights. For it says in the Declaration of the Independence that it is the right and duty of the American people to alter or abolish an American government that does not act according to the wishes of the American people who are governed by the highest law of the land, the constitution. We speak out now in protest of all such laws that are hinder our God and constitution given unalienable rights for if we don’t, we fail as Americans to defend the very things that define who and what we are. We must not let this happen. Now is the time to act!
Credonia
14-05-2005, 23:42
bump
Ashmoria
14-05-2005, 23:49
while im reading it...

how old are you? what is the age category you are submitting it into? who is the sponsor?
Neo-Anarchists
14-05-2005, 23:51
one of the most argued over rights in modern times
That 'argued over' bit sounds a bit clunky. I can't quite think of a better phrase though...

Perhaps 'contested' or something of the like?
Ashmoria
15-05-2005, 00:08
i liked it. im going to highlight some words and phrases that i found questionable, incorrect, hyperbolic(?) or overused. and im hoping you can decide which is which. good luck


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Freedom of speech, an ideal that has been the centerpiece of American democracy is one of the most argued over rights in modern times. The American constitution, solidified by the Bill of Rights, states that “Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech”, However, more and more we see that our rights and freedoms are being challenged and consolidated all over the country, in all levels of government from federal to local. Recently, the attack upon our freedom of speech has come to the city of Flint, and now it is time for us to speak out about it.

The famous rock, located on the corner of 12th street and Hammerberg road in Flint, has for over three decades stood as a pinnacle of the American principle of freedom of speech as (in?) a public forum. Many would say that it us silly to complain and fight over the right to write on a slab of concrete, however, we are not just fighting for the right to write on a rock. We are fighting for the principle behind the right to do so. We are fighting for much more than the freedom of free speech. We are fighting for the freedom of self-expression. We are fighting for the ideals and principles that this great nation was built upon, and that so many lives have been lost defending. We are fighting for our culture, our way of life, and what makes us who we are and the very things that define us as a unified people, unified Americans. We are fighting because something so small has the power and ability to set a dangerous precedent that will(can?) spread like wildfire, destroying the very ideas and governing principles that our great nation, the United States of America, was built upon. We are fighting against the destruction of the very heart of our nation, for if our freedom of speech and our freedom to express ourselves was(were) taken away, everything that we as Americans, governed by the constitution of the United States of America that was created by our forefathers, have fought and died for would have been done in vein (vain).

Many people are outraged over the banning of the right to paint on ‘The Rock’. The rock provides the public with an outlet for freedom of expression in a fashion that is non-violent, non-disruptive, creative, and original. Contrary to many people’s belief, this issue will set a precedent that would (might?)allow government on all levels to begin curbing our freedom of speech and expression by limiting the available public forums available to us to exercise such freedoms. We have seen in the past the American freedom of speech exercised right here in the city of Flint on a massive level. Just this past year, in the month of May, Flint was the site of the ‘Marijuana March’, which was a protest to legalize marijuana, an addictive and dangerous drug. Did the Mayor or any government institution move to stop the people from marching downtown? No! Why should there be a ban on using a rock to express love, sorrow, or discontent in a peaceful way when we are allowing people to march and assemble for the purpose of pressing city and government leaders to legalize an illegal drug? Which is more disruptive and disturbing? The answer is not hard to figure out. Are both the ‘Marijuana March’ protesters and people who write on ‘The Rock’ not utilizing and taking full advantage of their freedom of speech and expression granted to them by the American constitution? Yes they are, and to ignore that fact would be an act of sheer disregard for the constitution, the ideals and principles that this nation was founded upon, and disregard for the very things that our brave husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, children, and friends have served their country and made the ultimate sacrifice in defense of these ideals, principles, and our way of life, the American way of life, have fought and died for. (good sentiment, sentence is way too long)

We must not allow government to act and capitalize (implies profit) upon a dangerous precedent set by the banning of the freedom of speech and expression (used too many time already) by utilizing a slab of concrete to peacefully express our feelings and emotions. It is our right, it is our duty as American citizens, governed by the constitution of the United States of America, the same constitution that granted and guaranteed us those rights, to protest any and all laws that attempt to abolish those rights. For it says in the Declaration of the Independence that it is the right and duty of the American people to alter or abolish an American government that does not act according to the wishes of the American people who are governed by the highest law of the land, the constitution. We (who is this we you are suddenly talking about?)speak out now in protest of all such laws that are hinder our God and constitution(ally) given unalienable rights for if we don’t, we fail as Americans to defend the very things that define who and what we are. We must not let this happen. Now is the time to act!
Pascalini
15-05-2005, 00:10
This probably won't help you, but as a property owner, are you arguing for the right to "tag"?

And there is a difference between a rock and and concrete... which is it?

Also, if grammar is considered, there are some extremely long sentences that could be addressed:

1. "We are fighting against the destruction of the very heart of our nation, for if our freedom of speech and our freedom to express ourselves was taken away, everything that we as Americans, governed by the constitution of the United States of America that was created by our forefathers, have fought and died for would have been done in vein."

2. "Yes they are, and to ignore that fact would be an act of sheer disregard for the constitution, the ideals and principles that this nation was founded upon, and disregard for the very things that our brave husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, children, and friends have served their country and made the ultimate sacrifice in defense of these ideals, principles, and our way of life, the American way of life, have fought and died for."

3. "For it says in the Declaration of the Independence that it is the right and duty of the American people to alter or abolish an American government that does not act according to the wishes of the American people who are governed by the highest law of the land, the constitution."

GOOD LUCK!
Credonia
15-05-2005, 00:22
while im reading it...

how old are you? what is the age category you are submitting it into? who is the sponsor?

Im 18, there sint an age category..its for all High School students grades 9-12 and im submitting it to the Flint chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU)..they are also the sponsors.


Pascalini- About the difference between rock and concrete..Originally I had "rock" in place of the word concrete, but my english teacher corrected it and told me to use concrete instead so I took her word for it and just put it in there. I guess it was to get rid of some of the repetition. She also noted that i had some repetition in there but had me correct a lot of it. Its pretty good for something that was written as a rough draft and final copy in less than an hour, pretty damn good.

Also, for the long sentences, I did notice that they were excessively long, however, I couldnt find any better way to say what i had to say without loosing the "power" and tone that is present within the speech/essay so I left it as it would. I dont think that will be a MAJOR problem, but we'll see.
Pascalini
15-05-2005, 00:24
Yes, I guess we will. Have fun, and again, Good luck!
Ashmoria
15-05-2005, 00:29
Im 18, there sint an age category..its for all High School students grades 9-12 and im submitting it to the Flint chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU)..they are also the sponsors.

try reading it out loud a few times to decide what really needs to be changed and what is fine as is.

its a good essay for the subject, sponsor and area. i think you have a good shot at winning.
Pascalini
15-05-2005, 00:38
...its a good essay for the subject, sponsor and area. i think you have a good shot at winning.

Yep... I was 18 once myself. Wait, I'm having a hard time remembering. Yep, pretty sure it's true!
Centrostina
15-05-2005, 02:20
The constitution, however much I might admire its intentions, has served as little more than an excuse for the two leading parties to label the legislative actions of their respective opponents as "unconstitutional". I might go so far as to say that it's not even worth the paper it's printed on, especially when Britain doesn't even have a constitution and our democracy, warts and all is looking a Hell of a lot healthier than your cesspool of corporate welfare dependant campaigning, religious demogoguery and general culture of rights but no responsibilities.
Credonia
15-05-2005, 04:04
Huh...where did party politics and Great Britian come into all this? *lost*