NationStates Jolt Archive

I've spent my childhood being ignored. So i have a number of mental problems, i'm a little crazy. But thats no reason to bully me, make fun of me and make my childhood a living hell. I spent my childhood cowering in my room, afraid of the outside world, scared to go to school. In the sanctum of my room, I spent my hours reading, drawing, and learning. It is the source of my intellegence. It is there I began to pick up on politics, age 9. I began to think that in command, I could destroy all my foes, and make everyone pay for my life.

I got to secondary school, and the tormenting continued. I was incredibly sensitive, and spent most of my schooltime in tears. I was building up so much rage inside, that it was making my very mind wrack with pain.

Then it happened. At age 14, I was being tormented by a fat bastard who kept thinking he could push me around. I couldn't take any more. Somthing in my mind snapped. I picked the fucker right up and threw him out of the 2nd floor window. I then ran around screaming, smashing all his friends in the face with my folder-the total injuries? 3 broken noses and a broken leg. The teacher found me trembling in the corner, with a smile on my face. It was then that I was sent to a psychiatrist to help me through my problems.

They were completely fucking useless. I ended up scaring them with my ideas for destruction and pain. I kept telling them how I wanted everyone to suffer. And of course, everyone at school was afraid of me from then on, which made things worse. Now I was completely ignored. This solitude was becomming unendurable.

But I kept my sanity thanks to the fact I made a friend. My sisters ex-boyfriend, Dan, had a kind of rapor with me, and we began to get on well, having similar interests, and the fact he was a little mad like me as well. We've been friends for 5 long years, and even though he now has a girlfriend, he still finds time to see me. I have great respect for him. And he's the one reason I didn't kill myself when I was 16.

Yep, I, who thinks its the cowards way out, once contemplated it. I had the knife in my hand, and he stopped me. He found me and taught me the fact that it was cowardly. I threw down my knife. I spent the next hour crying in his arms.

And thats about everything important before I started using Nationstates.

Perhaps now people will understand Why I hate life. I want everyone and everything to suffer before I choke the life out of it. I'm sick of being despised by everyone because i'm different. So what if I'm a little mad. Perhaps I should show you all how mad I can be. I shall destroy you all for fucking up my childhood. You shall all suffer for ignoring me.

All I can say though, despite my hatred of the world, thanks to all of you NS'ers for helping me get over my tradgedy of an early life. Perhaps there is still hope for me, but I still feel the need to make everyone suffer, and I feel that my thirst for vengeance will ever go away.

Man, I had no idea that venting my anger like this would make me feel better.

Somebody spilled Emo all over this thread!

:( i wanna come down there and give you a hug

:( i wanna come down there and give you a hug

You're very sweet. It's people like you who I hope never come to any harm. Especially seeing as you have seen similar pain in your life.

so what are your mental problems? I'm intreged.

so what are your mental problems? I'm intreged.

Dunno about him but im guessing you may have Dyslexia. :D

so what are your mental problems? I'm intreged.

ADHD, OCD, Manic depression, Psychotic tendencies, some metal illness I can't even pronounce (Let alone spell) :confused: , and a number of lesser attention disorders. All I know is that the technical term is "Completely fucked up."

And everyone wonders Why i feel so alone all the time.

I've spent my childhood being ignored. So i have a number of mental problems, i'm a little crazy. But thats no reason to bully me, make fun of me and make my childhood a living hell. I spent my childhood cowering in my room, afraid of the outside world, scared to go to school. In the sanctum of my room, I spent my hours reading, drawing, and learning. It is the source of my intellegence. It is there I began to pick up on politics, age 9. I began to think that in command, I could destroy all my foes, and make everyone pay for my life.

I got to secondary school, and the tormenting continued. I was incredibly sensitive, and spent most of my schooltime in tears. I was building up so much rage inside, that it was making my very mind wrack with pain.

Then it happened. At age 14, I was being tormented by a fat bastard who kept thinking he could push me around. I couldn't take any more. Somthing in my mind snapped. I picked the fucker right up and threw him out of the 2nd floor window. I then ran around screaming, smashing all his friends in the face with my folder-the total injuries? 3 broken noses and a broken leg. The teacher found me trembling in the corner, with a smile on my face. It was then that I was sent to a psychiatrist to help me through my problems.

They were completely fucking useless. I ended up scaring them with my ideas for destruction and pain. I kept telling them how I wanted everyone to suffer. And of course, everyone at school was afraid of me from then on, which made things worse. Now I was completely ignored. This solitude was becomming unendurable.

But I kept my sanity thanks to the fact I made a friend. My sisters ex-boyfriend, Dan, had a kind of rapor with me, and we began to get on well, having similar interests, and the fact he was a little mad like me as well. We've been friends for 5 long years, and even though he now has a girlfriend, he still finds time to see me. I have great respect for him. And he's the one reason I didn't kill myself when I was 16.

Yep, I, who thinks its the cowards way out, once contemplated it. I had the knife in my hand, and he stopped me. He found me and taught me the fact that it was cowardly. I threw down my knife. I spent the next hour crying in his arms.

And thats about everything important before I started using Nationstates.

Perhaps now people will understand Why I hate life. I want everyone and everything to suffer before I choke the life out of it. I'm sick of being despised by everyone because i'm different. So what if I'm a little mad. Perhaps I should show you all how mad I can be. I shall destroy you all for fucking up my childhood. You shall all suffer for ignoring me.

All I can say though, despite my hatred of the world, thanks to all of you NS'ers for helping me get over my tradgedy of an early life. Perhaps there is still hope for me, but I still feel the need to make everyone suffer, and I feel that my thirst for vengeance will ever go away.

Man, I had no idea that venting my anger like this would make me feel better.
:eek:

*man-hugs*

i don't dispise you. hell, dude, i even like you - you're cool :)

:eek:

*man-hugs*

i don't dispise you. hell, dude, i even like you - you're cool :)

It is easy to like somone when you've never met them face to face. Ah don't worry about it. I've made it this far relatively alone, and I've come to get used to my solitude.

Here, have a music track I like. Link (http://www.vgmusic.com/music/console/sega/dreamcast/Silent_Hill15.mid)

ADHD, OCD, Manic depression, Psychotic tendencies, some metal illness I can't even pronounce (Let alone spell) :confused: , and a number of lesser attention disorders. All I know is that the technical term is "Completely fucked up."

And everyone wonders Why i feel so alone all the time.

Woah dude thats pretty tough. I know its not much, and I'm 20,000+ km away and we're never gonna meet in RL, but I like you. (but not in that way)

*pats TIN*

I had very rough times from about 10 until I was about 14, too, so I can empathise...but I won't go into detail. I never snapped, though I did think about it. I found a new group of friends, and it helped. I've been up and down over the past few years, but again, I won't go into detail. Things are better now, though. So just hang in there buddy, things will happen and life will take on a new meaning :)

I think. The meaning part is still coming for me. I suck at advice.

It is easy to like somone when you've never met them face to face. Ah don't worry about it. I've made it this far relatively alone, and I've come to get used to my solitude.

Here, have a music track I like. Link (http://www.vgmusic.com/music/console/sega/dreamcast/Silent_Hill15.mid)
this is why we should do that meet up in london idea of mine! us 3 are in opposite 3 corners of the country & london's central to us all

and i'm sure you'll be just as cool in RL

I've spent my childhood being ignored. So i have a number of mental problems, i'm a little crazy. But thats no reason to bully me, make fun of me and make my childhood a living hell. I spent my childhood cowering in my room, afraid of the outside world, scared to go to school. In the sanctum of my room, I spent my hours reading, drawing, and learning. It is the source of my intellegence. It is there I began to pick up on politics, age 9. I began to think that in command, I could destroy all my foes, and make everyone pay for my life.

I got to secondary school, and the tormenting continued. I was incredibly sensitive, and spent most of my schooltime in tears. I was building up so much rage inside, that it was making my very mind wrack with pain.

Then it happened. At age 14, I was being tormented by a fat bastard who kept thinking he could push me around. I couldn't take any more. Somthing in my mind snapped. I picked the fucker right up and threw him out of the 2nd floor window. I then ran around screaming, smashing all his friends in the face with my folder-the total injuries? 3 broken noses and a broken leg. The teacher found me trembling in the corner, with a smile on my face. It was then that I was sent to a psychiatrist to help me through my problems.

They were completely fucking useless. I ended up scaring them with my ideas for destruction and pain. I kept telling them how I wanted everyone to suffer. And of course, everyone at school was afraid of me from then on, which made things worse. Now I was completely ignored. This solitude was becomming unendurable.

But I kept my sanity thanks to the fact I made a friend. My sisters ex-boyfriend, Dan, had a kind of rapor with me, and we began to get on well, having similar interests, and the fact he was a little mad like me as well. We've been friends for 5 long years, and even though he now has a girlfriend, he still finds time to see me. I have great respect for him. And he's the one reason I didn't kill myself when I was 16.

Yep, I, who thinks its the cowards way out, once contemplated it. I had the knife in my hand, and he stopped me. He found me and taught me the fact that it was cowardly. I threw down my knife. I spent the next hour crying in his arms.

And thats about everything important before I started using Nationstates.

Perhaps now people will understand Why I hate life. I want everyone and everything to suffer before I choke the life out of it. I'm sick of being despised by everyone because i'm different. So what if I'm a little mad. Perhaps I should show you all how mad I can be. I shall destroy you all for fucking up my childhood. You shall all suffer for ignoring me.

All I can say though, despite my hatred of the world, thanks to all of you NS'ers for helping me get over my tradgedy of an early life. Perhaps there is still hope for me, but I still feel the need to make everyone suffer, and I feel that my thirst for vengeance will ever go away.

Man, I had no idea that venting my anger like this would make me feel better.
Even though i disagree with some of your views here and there, 'glad you're here :)

Looking at myself, and being eternally confused, i can't seem to determine wether my life's been bad as yours... :/

My main problem is that I've been left vengeful-Everytime somone crosses me, I won't stop until I pay them back what they did to me. And in this Town (Home to the largest Townie population in the country) It's not hard to find trouble. I'm becomming ever more vengeful, seeking more for what happens to me. It's a powerful weakness. One day I fear it will consume me.

But My Motto is "Never Give up" And i'll be dammed if I let my life get on top of me. I've pretty much lost the ability to care about myself any more anyway. Nowadays, my family comes first.

Do you carry a weapon?

My main problem is that I've been left vengeful-Everytime somone crosses me, I won't stop until I pay them back what they did to me. And in this Town (Home to the largest Townie population in the country) It's not hard to find trouble. I'm becomming ever more vengeful, seeking more for what happens to me. It's a powerful weakness. One day I fear it will consume me.

But My Motto is "Never Give up" And i'll be dammed if I let my life get on top of me. I've pretty much lost the ability to care about myself any more anyway. Nowadays, my family comes first.

That's really what you have to let go of. I was like that. But then I realised that nothing anyone says about me or does to me matters in the scheme of things. I refused to dignify their abuse with revenge, and people left me alone. It's hard, I know. But you have to turn away and prove yourself better than them.

My main problem is that I've been left vengeful-Everytime somone crosses me, I won't stop until I pay them back what they did to me. And in this Town (Home to the largest Townie population in the country) It's not hard to find trouble. I'm becomming ever more vengeful, seeking more for what happens to me. It's a powerful weakness. One day I fear it will consume me.

But My Motto is "Never Give up" And i'll be dammed if I let my life get on top of me. I've pretty much lost the ability to care about myself any more anyway. Nowadays, my family comes first.

eeek! *wonders where you live* :?

But hey, i've come across your posts from time to time & you make me smile, whatever else may be going on

Do you carry a weapon?

Nope. I own one, but I don't carry it around with me-i'm worried i'd use it.

Nope. I own one, but I don't carry it around with me-i'm worried i'd use it.
Then carry a nuke :D

That's what i plan to do. Seriously! *ahem* once i'm President of the PE, of course ;)

ADHD, OCD, Manic depression, Psychotic tendencies, some metal illness I can't even pronounce (Let alone spell) :confused: , and a number of lesser attention disorders. All I know is that the technical term is "Completely fucked up."

And everyone wonders Why i feel so alone all the time.

Oh, that describes everyone.

...because sad to say, your story is not unique.
That said, allow me to tender some ego-boosts to you:
First of all, anybody who names themself after the Imperial Navy instead of those terrorist Rebel Alliance bastards is automatically on Page One of my Cool Book. (I wonder if George Lucas sees the irony in expresing as "heroic" a lone starfighter pumping a torpedo into the Death Star and wiping out a quarter million sentients as compared to the "villainy" of a big-ass naval vessel wiping out an insurrectionist planet with enough industrial capacity to support the waging of war on an empire. One can only wonder what his politically-naive mind made of the 9/11 attacks in the US, the Madrid train bombing, etc., etc., ad nauseam. But I digress. :) )
Second, I think you are in great shape already for being willing to talk about your issues and still interact with folks at any social level. You're getting better.
Third, a piece of friendly advice: Start referring to yourself as "I", not "i". It's the little things in life that build up or undermine our self-esteem, and you have every right to use the capital letter as your personal pronoun. Hell, you've earned it.
Keep up the good work, mate. You're doing fine.
First Citizen Leonidas
Goesingthall

@tin
what exactly is manic depression? manic means "ongoing" or "eternal", right?

...because sad to say, your story is not unique.
That said, allow me to tender some ego-boosts to you:
First of all, anybody who names themself after the Imperial Navy instead of those terrorist Rebel Alliance bastards is automatically on Page One of my Cool Book. (I wonder if George Lucas sees the irony in expresing as "heroic" a lone starfighter pumping a torpedo into the Death Star and wiping out a quarter million sentients as compared to the "villainy" of a big-ass naval vessel wiping out an insurrectionist planet with enough industrial capacity to support the waging of war on an empire. One can only wonder what his politically-naive mind made of the 9/11 attacks in the US, the Madrid train bombing, etc., etc., ad nauseam. But I digress. :) )
Second, I think you are in great shape already for being willing to talk about your issues and still interact with folks at any social level. You're getting better.
Third, a piece of friendly advice: Start referring to yourself as "I", not "i". It's the little things in life that build up or undermine our self-esteem, and you have every right to use the capital letter as your personal pronoun. Hell, you've earned it.
Keep up the good work, mate. You're doing fine.
First Citizen Leonidas
Goesingthall

I can already tell you're one cool guy. Thanks pal.

@tin
what exactly is manic depression? manic means "ongoing" or "eternal", right?

From what I know, basicly it means at some points I will be over the moon, happy regardless, and hard working. At all other times I will feel incredebly down, wishing everything and everyone would cease to exist or somthing like that.

So it's kind of a split personality thing if ya ask me. :confused:

It certainly sucks that you had a bad early life. When you give yourself the chance, though, you clearly can engage others and interact effectively. Your experience on NS proves that. And remember, here, your interactions are purely of the mind. When you share it with the world rather than point it at the world like a gun, good things can happen.

I understand your internal hatred of people. I have long harbored a loathing of humanity. Perhaps not in the same way as you, for my experiences were not as acute and not specific. I did, though, have an internal instict for distrusting and disliking humans to the point that my first thought was to have them dead rather than meet them. I was generally acknowledged as "The one most likely to find a way to wipe out humanity" in high school. :sniper:

I was (and sometimes still am) the guy who would speed up or slow down his pace so that I would not arrive at the front door to the building at the same time as someone else...so I don't have to talk to them. I'm the guy who will sit there, stone quiet, as two people have a conversation in front of me. I'm the guy who drove around in a car without air conditioning for years because I don't want to talk to a person to get it fixed. I'm the guy who had a bank account fill up with cash because I won't go out to spend it since people are friggin everywhere and I don't want to deal with them.

Luckily for me, I was able to realize that not all human beings have the traits that I hate. Some are trustworthy. Some are just flat out good people. My experience has led me to believe that they're few and far between (about 5% of the populace), but they're out there. I found some and even married one and I continue to seek them out. It is those people that make me tolerate the other cretins.

It's like digging in a mine for diamonds. The work sucks, but the end is worth effort.

You've found one such gem. Keep looking for them and ignore the others. Surround yourself with the gems.

The others are inconsequential. Not even worthy of the energy invested in making them suffer. They're like ants on a hill...you might look at them to study them for a while..but then they get boring and you move on because whatever it is they're doing...who the hell cares?

Take it easy.

From what I know, basicly it means at some points I will be over the moon, happy regardless, and hard working. At all other times I will feel incredebly down, wishing everything and everyone would cease to exist or somthing like that.

So it's kind of a split personality thing if ya ask me. :confused:

I thought that was Bipolar...

From what I know, basicly it means at some points I will be over the moon, happy regardless, and hard working. At all other times I will feel incredebly down, wishing everything and everyone would cease to exist or somthing like that.

So it's kind of a split personality thing if ya ask me. :confused:
Same here, same here. sometime's i....

wait a minute. isn't EVERYONE ONE THE ENTIRE PLANET like that?! :confused:

I thought that was Bipolar...
i think manic depression and bipolar are the same thing

i think manic depression and bipolar are the same thing

Oh. Shows what I know :p

But My Motto is "Never Give up" And i'll be dammed if I let my life get on top of me.

And don't you forget that motto, either. :p

I've never gotten a chance to get to know you, but whenever I see your posts, I always think "That's one cool guy."

So don't give up, just keep going. I think you've already seen how many people here are willing to be your friend and support you-if you want me to I'll gladly add myself to that list.

Same here, same here. sometime's i....

wait a minute. isn't EVERYONE ONE THE ENTIRE PLANET like that?! :confused:

Well you know, if anythings out of the ordinary, they call it a mental disorder and try to pump it with drugs. :D

Well you know, if anythings out of the ordinary, they call it a mental disorder and try to pump it with drugs. :D
lol

lol

Heh. I can be humorous whenever I want. It's just a shame that only you guys and my parents pay attention.

I have to say I can also sympathize with you, admittedly to much less of an extreme, I had similar problems to Kanabia, ages 7-10 though, absolute hell, enough to make me mistrust anyone. I kept going by thinking it was just a bad dream and that I'd wake up and find that I was six again, and wouldn't make the tragic mistake of going to Fairfield Prep. You get over it, regain faith in humanity (not all of humanity though, never make that mistake :p). Look at it this way, you weren't made to move to Israel, to Kev-central, my school has 90% Kevs. :rolleyes: Unimaginable fun as you might be able to guess.

I've spent my childhood being ignored. So i have a number of mental problems, i'm a little crazy. But thats no reason to bully me, make fun of me and make my childhood a living hell. I spent my childhood cowering in my room, afraid of the outside world, scared to go to school. In the sanctum of my room, I spent my hours reading, drawing, and learning. It is the source of my intellegence. It is there I began to pick up on politics, age 9. I began to think that in command, I could destroy all my foes, and make everyone pay for my life.

I got to secondary school, and the tormenting continued. I was incredibly sensitive, and spent most of my schooltime in tears. I was building up so much rage inside, that it was making my very mind wrack with pain.

Then it happened. At age 14, I was being tormented by a fat bastard who kept thinking he could push me around. I couldn't take any more. Somthing in my mind snapped. I picked the fucker right up and threw him out of the 2nd floor window. I then ran around screaming, smashing all his friends in the face with my folder-the total injuries? 3 broken noses and a broken leg. The teacher found me trembling in the corner, with a smile on my face. It was then that I was sent to a psychiatrist to help me through my problems.

They were completely fucking useless. I ended up scaring them with my ideas for destruction and pain. I kept telling them how I wanted everyone to suffer. And of course, everyone at school was afraid of me from then on, which made things worse. Now I was completely ignored. This solitude was becomming unendurable.

But I kept my sanity thanks to the fact I made a friend. My sisters ex-boyfriend, Dan, had a kind of rapor with me, and we began to get on well, having similar interests, and the fact he was a little mad like me as well. We've been friends for 5 long years, and even though he now has a girlfriend, he still finds time to see me. I have great respect for him. And he's the one reason I didn't kill myself when I was 16.

Yep, I, who thinks its the cowards way out, once contemplated it. I had the knife in my hand, and he stopped me. He found me and taught me the fact that it was cowardly. I threw down my knife. I spent the next hour crying in his arms.

And thats about everything important before I started using Nationstates.

Perhaps now people will understand Why I hate life. I want everyone and everything to suffer before I choke the life out of it. I'm sick of being despised by everyone because i'm different. So what if I'm a little mad. Perhaps I should show you all how mad I can be. I shall destroy you all for fucking up my childhood. You shall all suffer for ignoring me.

All I can say though, despite my hatred of the world, thanks to all of you NS'ers for helping me get over my tradgedy of an early life. Perhaps there is still hope for me, but I still feel the need to make everyone suffer, and I feel that my thirst for vengeance will ever go away.

Man, I had no idea that venting my anger like this would make me feel better.

I understand how you feel man with my past history of sexual abuse (priest) made me crazy for many years

I have finaly started to come out of it in the last 2 years or so but I see a lot of myself in what you write (different causes but sometimes things transend causal factors)

I'm sorry about all you've been through. I know that makes no difference really but I do know how it feels (I've had severe depression, anxiety, paranoia, stress, panic attacks, eating disorders etc) and I know how much it can mess you up, how tiring every day is and how hard it is to fight. The fact you can understand it to some extent, talk about it and have the willpower to fight is excellent. Sometimes all it can take is the hope to carry on fighting.

Like I said, I know how you feel and I can tell you first hand that things can and will improve if you let them. It isn't easy and it isn't quick but you can beat mental illnesses and you can overcome your past.

I didn't see any hope for myself. I hated living, hated myself, hated each day and couldn't see any reason for going on and couldn't see how things could ever prove. And one week everything seemed to crumble away and my life got worse than I ever thought it could. But I stuck in there and now my life is better that it ever was before because I have so much more confidence, determination and inner strength.

It's hard to find a positive to mental disorders but when you come out the other side (and you will) you gain so much, have so many skills and coping methods and will truly be a better person for it. It's just getting there.

Medical help is hard but you can't give up on it. If I hadn't gone back after my first bad experience there's no doubt I'd be dead by now. I would not have been able to cope without the support therapy gave me when I found the right person and the right style. Don't give up on it when it can be so worthwhile. You also have to try. You have to really want to change. I know it seems obvious to you that you want to change but you have to find that motivation inside you, make that attitude change and work for it with all your heart.

You don't have to stay as the person you are. The people I met when I was depressed wouldn't recognize me anymore. I'm finally the person I want to be and live the life I want to live. Sure it isn't perfect but I can enjoy it and I finally like who I am. I'm much more confident and in control of myself and I actually have some decent friends.

And you can have all that too.

Make the most of the positive things in your life, work to get rid of the negative things and never give up because just around the corner could be the life you've always wanted to have.

Take care *huge hugs*

All I can say though, despite my hatred of the world, thanks to all of you NS'ers for helping me get over my tradgedy of an early life. Perhaps there is still hope for me, but I still feel the need to make everyone suffer, and I feel that my thirst for vengeance will ever go away.

Man, I had no idea that venting my anger like this would make me feel better.
There are many, many of us "walking emotionally wounded," my friend. You are definitely not alone.

I think I've told you this before, but it bears repeating for this thread. My mother left my father and me right after I was born. My father was fond of saying that "she had a baby and left," which was the sum total of his discussion on the topic.

Do you have any idea how difficult it can be to grow up thinking that your own mother hated you so much that she left rather than raise you??

My grandparents on my father's side raised me and I saw my dad for one week in the Summer, when I was lucky. When my father remarried, his new wife had a five year old boy ( I was 12 at the time ). Although I loved my step-brother ( and still do ), my father favored him and use to do things like take him out for a milkshake and tell him to make sure he didn't tell me about it.

I was a very skinny and physically weak teenager and was picked on by many of the "jocks" in HS. Fortunately, I grew up in a place and time where that was unacceptable behavior, and it was mostly when I had to remain after the end of regular classes that I got bullied.

I spent many, many long hours in my room at home, reading, building model airplanes, etc., and generally avoiding most human contact. I finally went to the Prom my Senior year ... alone.

Yes, I mulled suicide over many times, but realized that it was very "final," and fortunately didn't go through with it.

It was only after I started college, and later when I joined the military, that I came out of my "shell."

Now, I'm rather thankful for all those days I spent reading, writing and day-dreaming. I'm very comfortable either alone or in any social setting. I know who I am and am very comfortable with myself.

Have patience, my friend, and know you're not alone ... not by a long stretch. Just concentrate on becoming the best you can be and things will fall into place in due time. :)

I got to secondary school, and the tormenting continued. I was incredibly sensitive, and spent most of my schooltime in tears. I was building up so much rage inside, that it was making my very mind wrack with pain.

Then it happened. At age 14, I was being tormented by a fat bastard who kept thinking he could push me around. I couldn't take any more. Somthing in my mind snapped. I picked the fucker right up and threw him out of the 2nd floor window. I then ran around screaming, smashing all his friends in the face with my folder-the total injuries? 3 broken noses and a broken leg. The teacher found me trembling in the corner, with a smile on my face.

I can sympathise a little bit with you on this point. Fortunately for me I have always had a loving, firm family and a decent group of good friends which I probably why I didn't come of the rails like you. I dont think I suffered as much from the bullying either but still any bullying can be demoralising.

I had to put up with 5 years of name calling, laughing and some (minor) physical abuse from my class mates but after the first two years I simply developed a hard skin. I didn't care what they called me or what they did and so it became irrelevant.

Alas this had unpredicted side effects - I have become quite introverted and am very cold and aloof in my attitudes to people I do not know well. I cannot socialise with new people at all unless they make a really big effort with me, something most people aren't prepared to do. As I became introverted, I began just to hate people more and more. The thing I have learnt best over my last 7 years of education is how to hate. I have got it down to a fine art - I can actually take things I have no objection to and make myself hate them. I wish often that I didn't hate as much: hatred consumes your energy for life and people.

Another effect of the bullying (if you can call it that) was I lost all my self confidence - thats partly the reason I can barely talk to anyone, simply because I do not have the confidence. I like speaking in public but because of my reduced confidence levels, I have developed a nervous stammer and my hands shake uncontrollably.

Fortunately for me, I am on the road to recovery. Over the last two years in 6th Form, people have matured and the trouble makers have all left. I have been slowly rebuilding by self confidence and hope to be able to start a new life when I go to uni this autumn away from all the problems of the past.

Of course that little tale is nothing compared to your problems. I don't think you want or need my pity. I just hope that you can find a resolution at some point or another.

My main problem is that I've been left vengeful-Everytime somone crosses me, I won't stop until I pay them back what they did to me. And in this Town (Home to the largest Townie population in the country) It's not hard to find trouble. I'm becomming ever more vengeful, seeking more for what happens to me. It's a powerful weakness. One day I fear it will consume me.

But My Motto is "Never Give up" And i'll be dammed if I let my life get on top of me. I've pretty much lost the ability to care about myself any more anyway. Nowadays, my family comes first.
That's really what you have to let go of. I was like that. But then I realised that nothing anyone says about me or does to me matters in the scheme of things. I refused to dignify their abuse with revenge, and people left me alone. It's hard, I know. But you have to turn away and prove yourself better than them.
Agreed.

You turned away from suicide, which is in-and-of-itself a remarkable and admirable thing. If you can turn away from vengeance, as well, then I think you will be free. Faith, hope, and love, my friend, these will see you through.

I don't know what creed you follow, but if you'd like, I can say a prayer for you.

...

It's unfortunate that children treat each other so cruelly. ...and not only is it unfortunate, it's a disgrace. [passionate emphasis on each syllable of "disgrace"] I'm guessing that many problems with society can be traced back to how people grow up as children. The effects of being marginalized and denigrated as a child will carry over into adulthood. To get crass, being screwed over as a kid is more likely to result in a screwed up adult.

--The Democratic States of Cogitation
"Think about it for a moment."

hey Imperial Navy

read this with an open mind.

First, i'm sorry to hear of the difficulties in your life. I truly am because i've had my share and got past it.

Yeah it does suck that you've been wronged but the more you allow other peoples' actions effect you emotionally the longer they will make you feel bitter. Its an endless downward spiral. At some point you have to stand on your own feet and realize that you have control of your own life. Get over all these terrible things and give yourself just a little more credit. Some of what you feel is your own doing.

You said you have all these mental illnesses.
Don't buy it. That's what you've been told as if you're different from other people. Helllooo there's nothing different about having lived through difficulties that have long terme effects. I certainly hope you haven't agreed to be medicated.

My advice to you is get over it and work on healing yourself. If you don't life will continue to deal you a lousy hand. Good luck.