NationStates Jolt Archive

Warning: the following may include sexually explicit material, though posters are asked to strive for discretion.

Sex is not just an instinctive act. It's often something we need to learn about, examine our own levels of comfort as well as our wishes and the wishes of our partners. There is much to be said for a relationship that is open sexually, in the sense that the two people involved feel comfortable talking about it, and exploring. However, many people simply DON'T feel comfortable bringing up sexual themes with their partner. Some people think that certain desires are better fulfilled OUTSIDE of the relationship, because they don't think they could be fulfilled within it. Of course, had they simply asked, perhaps they could have avoided the sneaking around...

The question is: How comfortable are you talking about sex to your partner? Are there things you would like to do, or have done to you, that you avoid bringing up? Why or why not? Is sex an important part of your relationship or not? What are your underlying attitudes about sex?

Okay, I'll start this little discussion up:).

I have a pretty wild imagination, and I've read some pretty interesting things in my time, but when it comes down to it, I get shy talking about sex with my partner. I can talk to a complete stranger about sex, and about things I enjoy, but when it comes down to reality, to actually telling the person I love, I get all tongue tied. It's something I've been examining lately. Why the shyness? This person knows more about me than anyone else, and I clam up? Part of it used to be fear that he wouldn't want to do the things I'd been thinking of, part of it is the feeling in my gut that these things are supposed to be private, and if you figure it out, great, but if not, oh well! (I have a bad case of ReadMyMind)

Recently, my hubby and I have discovered that talking about these things, no matter how silly, no matter how uncomfortable (I get, not him, he's just fine with it), it really makes a difference to be out in the open about things. I guess too, I thought talking about it would kind of rob some romance from it...like two people fumbling at each other blindly is somehow romantic? It's been quite an eye opener to realise that my husband is much more open sexually than I am...when all along I thought I was the kinky one:). It's been a kind of breath of fresh air in our relationship, and I wish we'd been more open before (it's really been me holding out, he's tried to get me to talk about it before), and I regret the fact that somehow I ended up so prudish or afraid to assert myself with my partner.

I thought for a number of years that I just wasn't going to be able to have really wild, great sex in a longterm relationship, and I guess that's kind of the stereotype...the idea that if you only get to have one partner for the rest of your life, boredom sets in and sex is no longer something you look forward to. I guess it's really only as boring as you let it become, and I'm glad to discover I'm not condemned to some sort of monotonous, missionary schedule as bearable but slighly unpleasant as any other chore. To those of you who already know this...sheesh...why didn't you say anything!!??? :p

1) Very comfortable, of course when we started out it was a little nerve wracking (me being fairly inexperienced and her completely inexperienced) but the more time we spent together the more we grew confident with each other. It actually took a while to get around to actually doing anything caus although she wanted too I was too scared! lol oh well :D

2) and 3) After we had gotten comfortable we talked about stuff we would want to do and things we didn't. Luckily we were on the same wavelength for all of it, so theres been no awkward moments of "Uh...i thought we might try <random sexual activity> tonight" followed by a "I don't want to do that". One thing she never wanted to do to me was oral sex, fine by me, i never asked so no worries there. Thing is, she suggested it once, but she looked so terrified when she said it i just point blank refused as she looked too scared, after all, sex is for both of you, not just for the pleasure of one.

4) Sex is important, but its only one part of our relationship. This year I am away in another country for a year, so the time we have together is limited :( Right now, the most important thing that we have is how we communicate and how we express our love for each other over the distance and save sex for when we are together. To be honest, I can't dream of doing it with anyone but her, sure other girls are attractive, but they just ain't my gf. :)

5) I had a one night stand once. I hated it, no feeling, no emotion, just sex. I didn't like it. Of course some people just want the sex and no commitment. I've got no problem with that, i just need the emotional side too, otherwise I can't enjoy it. And I want the one I am with to know that everything i do for them is for them, and them alone. And i want to feel wanted in the same way too. Thats why i love my gf so damn much.

Not that I'm missing her or homesick or anything :p

I would have thought it was obvious, so I didn't say anything.

My sex life is far more intense now than it's ever been before, and I'm in a long term relationship.

Far, far better. And more comfortable to talk about.

Warning: the following may include sexually explicit material, though posters are asked to strive for discretion.

Sex is not just an instinctive act. It's often something we need to learn about, examine our own levels of comfort as well as our wishes and the wishes of our partners. There is much to be said for a relationship that is open sexually, in the sense that the two people involved feel comfortable talking about it, and exploring. However, many people simply DON'T feel comfortable bringing up sexual themes with their partner. Some people think that certain desires are better fulfilled OUTSIDE of the relationship, because they don't think they could be fulfilled within it. Of course, had they simply asked, perhaps they could have avoided the sneaking around...

The question is: How comfortable are you talking about sex to your partner? Are there things you would like to do, or have done to you, that you avoid bringing up? Why or why not? Is sex an important part of your relationship or not? What are your underlying attitudes about sex?
My primary attitude about sex is that it's usually just good, clean fun. I realize that many on here think that it's disgusting for a 61 year-old to think about sex, but they will understand when they pass 50 and their hormones are still pumping out.

One of the reasons my marriage broke up is because of the differences in attitudes toward sex between me and my wife. ( I want to emphasize that it was only ONE of the reasons ) As I mentioned, I consider most sex to be just good, clean fun, as long as the parties recognize their responsibilities to each other. My ex, on the other hand, views sex as some sort of mystical, almost religious experience hedged about with all sorts of "shoulds" and "ought-tos."

I discovered through all of the subsequent turmoil that sex was far more important to me than I even expected. So, yes, sex is a very important aspect of my relationship with my SO.

It was really weird, the first time she asked me to do <sexual activity>. What was even weirder was she asking me what I wanted the first time. I was just : "Errr.....uh.....well........errr......"

It's always amazed me how open my fiancee is in talking about sex with me. It really helped, especially in the begining as I had almost no experiance while she had a few lovers before hand. Having a partner willing to tell you what she likes and doesn't is a whole lot better than just fumbling around. I think it also helped her as she was a little worried about the age difference (she's older) and the culture difference as to what we both wanted and expected. Again, being able to talk this out made for a much better love life for the both of us.

I think that one night stands can be a lot of fun if you don't treat the whole thing as a way of getting your rocks off. I've slept with two or three girls when we knew we wouldn't go out with each other because of distance things, and we've had a great time. You can still cuddle, play around, do whatever, have a laugh. Actually, with all of them I spent three or four nights with them until they left, and they enjoyed it too and I'm still in touch with them.

The thing is that if you don't respect them and treat them like jizz pots then it is ultimately a pointless and unrewarding experience, or if you get hung up about it and leave first thing in the morning all embarrassed then you'll also regret it, but I don't regret many of my one night stands. If I have it's for the reasons I just mentioned. I haven't regretted any for years.

Anyway, that's all rather academic for me now, as I'm settling down with a girlfriend after years of wandering. I actually talk less to her about certain things because I have a pretty good idea that she's a bit more conservative than me sexually. She's defnitely less experienced. But I'll bring these things up when the time comes, and not before she would want to hear them.

I would have thought it was obvious, so I didn't say anything.

Many of the most important things in life that seem obvious to those who've figured it out, are completely obscure or not even on the radar for others. Things like the fact that relationships are not endless lust and complete innate compatibility, but rather are a serious of compromises, misunderstandings, and epiphanies:). A lot of people approach relationships as a sort of security blanket too...they don't want to make waves, so they don't bring up important issues. I think a lot of people kind of expect their partner to figure out these things on their own, rather than making the process easier on everyone and just coming out with it. I've known too many people who, finding out that relationships are WORK, bail out at the first opportunity...or worse, many years down the unhappy road. All it would have taken was a little communication...

I for one, want to make all these things very clear for my children...that ANY relationship (between friends, relatives, lovers, even with yourself) is about work, about communication, about understanding your own attitudes and reactions. These are all things I've learned the hard way, and they seem so obvious now...

My sex life is far more intense now than it's ever been before, and I'm in a long term relationship.

Far, far better. And more comfortable to talk about.
I think about cheating now, and I laugh. What would be the point? What could anyone possibly have to offer me that I can't find within my relationship? If that thing ISN'T there...it can be...all it takes is talking about it. Of course...that's always harder than just having someone else temporary satisfty a need (and I don't just mean sexually)...but it certainly isn't more fulfilling.

It was really weird, the first time she asked me to do <sexual activity>. What was even weirder was she asking me what I wanted the first time. I was just : "Errr.....uh.....well........errr......"
It's hard to know what you like, or what you want to do, and even harder to say it:). For me, anyway! Especially at the beginning...when you don't have all that much experience, sex is really just exploration. As you get to know the person more, you can kind of figure out what they really like and what doesn't really do it for them. However, I consider that to just be the second step...passive really. The active part is exploring your own feelings about sex. Do you think it is dirty? Do you think certain things are gross, or unpleasant? Do you think that fantasy should stay fantasy (some people are afraid the reality would never measure up for example)? Do you think that certain requests might scare or disgust the other person? It's a minefield sometimes, and you can be your own worst enemy when you doubt yourself, or try to guess at the other person's reactions. Again, it should be a no-brainer, but I really don't think it is.

It's hard to know what you like, or what you want to do, and even harder to say it:). For me, anyway! Especially at the beginning...when you don't have all that much experience, sex is really just exploration. As you get to know the person more, you can kind of figure out what they really like and what doesn't really do it for them. However, I consider that to just be the second step...passive really. The active part is exploring your own feelings about sex. Do you think it is dirty? Do you think certain things are gross, or unpleasant? Do you think that fantasy should stay fantasy (some people are afraid the reality would never measure up for example)? Do you think that certain requests might scare or disgust the other person? It's a minefield sometimes, and you can be your own worst enemy when you doubt yourself, or try to guess at the other person's reactions. Again, it should be a no-brainer, but I really don't think it is.
Well I'm still exploring and sometimes it just scares the crap out of me.

What i had up till now (no relationship recently), ran the full gamut from brought-up-by-nuns-sex-is-sin-but-not-as-bad-when-the-light-is-out-and-its-in-missionary to you-want-what!? or even whoa-just-what-i-was-thinking-right-now. See, i am not shy once i know people, but with some of the weirder things i feel like i would make my partner feel uncomfortable. What helps with some is exchanging thoughts via a written medium, be it post-it notes or emails, because it relieves the questioned party of answering immediately while the asker holds his/her breath for an answer, but instead can ponder whether thats a good idea or not. But if there is no communication possible at all the sex will be horrible. Thus sex within a relationship will always be better than some physical relief on the side, even if it is fun at that moment.

Well I'm still exploring and sometimes it just scares the crap out of me.
Why is that (and I agree by the way)? What exactly are you scared of?

What i had up till now (no relationship recently), ran the full gamut from brought-up-by-nuns-sex-is-sin-but-not-as-bad-when-the-light-is-out-and-its-in-missionary to you-want-what!? or even whoa-just-what-i-was-thinking-right-now. See, i am not shy once i know people, but with some of the weirder things i feel like i would make my partner feel uncomfortable. What helps with some is exchanging thoughts via a written medium, be it post-it notes or emails, because it relieves the questioned party of answering immediately while the asker holds his/her breath for an answer, but instead can ponder whether thats a good idea or not. But if there is no communication possible at all the sex will be horrible. Thus sex within a relationship will always be better than some physical relief on the side, even if it is fun at that moment.
I think sex is very culturally influenced as well...at one point you say, "some of the weirder things"...what is weird in sex? Something that might be a bit weird for you, might not be for someone else, any really, isn't it ALL kind of weird?

Again, I think this is where examining your own feelings on the subject is important. If your partner says, "Hey, I'd like to try this", you will probably have some sort of reaction based to your underlying attitudes toward sex. Like, "ew, no way, or whoo-hoo" or something in between. Then again, you might think about it and change your mind.

Why is that (and I agree by the way)? What exactly are you scared of?
Well, loads of things. Do I want to? Would she? Would I scare her away? Would she just do it for me and not actually like it?

Meh. I'm comfortable talking about sex with whoever. I don't sleep with anyone who isn't at least a friend (and yes, I have a very good friend that I've slept with quite a bit, and our friendship didn't change), so I don't do one night stands as such.
I guess it helps that my first partner was part of a five year relationship, and we did just about everything we could think of together. Plus we talked a lot about everything that interested us sexually before we had sex at all. So I kind of knew what to expect. He was a lot more experienced than I was, which probably also helped.

Well, loads of things. Do I want to? Would she? Would I scare her away? Would she just do it for me and not actually like it?

I am quite adventurous, although some of my lovers would disagree. But that's because they weren't and so I didn't push the envelop. Perhaps I should have. But I was young and more... innocent then. Now, i am free.

I am still very shy the first time around with a new partner, but that's just me. I'm shy the first time a meet someone too. I still ask myself the what if's, like LP, but now, I figure I have wasted too much time missing out. and hey, if I scare them away, we weren't meant to be.

Well, loads of things. Do I want to? Would she? Would I scare her away? Would she just do it for me and not actually like it?
You sound just like what I've been going through for years:). I find, getting a bit drunk with my husband, and relaxing enough to talk about these things makes a huge difference. We don't have to bring it up again outside of these 'honesty sessions', so I manage not to be embarrased later...but knowing what he and I are comfortable with (or not) is not something you forget! I'm really happy for one, that he openly acknowledges that orgasm is not the be all end all of sex, and that not all orgasms are created equal. I've learned a lot about men, and gotten rid of some assumptions I had about them (they just want to get it over quickly, being one of them), and he has done the same in terms of women. It's been a real eye-opener all around, and I highly recommend it! Why the hell we feel so nervous about things like this, I don't know, but there it is. The trick is overcoming that nervousness.

I am quite adventurous, although some of my lovers would disagree. But that's because they weren't and so I didn't push the envelop. Perhaps I should have. But I was young and more... innocent then. Now, i am free.

I am still very shy the first time around with a new partner, but that's just me. I'm shy the first time a meet someone too. I still ask myself the what if's, like LP, but now, I figure I have wasted too much time missing out. and hey, if I scare them away, we weren't meant to be.
I try not to ask that so much. It used to kill me. Make me indecisive. But now I'm more and more trying to 'just do it'.

Great topic, Sin.

I think our society is more sexually repressed than we care to admit at times. Men think they talk about sex to other men, but mostly men avoid saying anything really. My experience with male conversation is that they stay mostly on the surface and they don't really explore sex in a very realistic way (ex: how often do you think men discuss sexual dysfunction?). Women seem to be becoming more sexually liberated, but many of my female friends make the claim that "open" conversations with their friends more resemble sex in the city (who wants women to start sounding like men when they talk about sex) instead of a truly open and realistic dialogue.

It's a bit sad but I have friends that I've been talking to about very intimate things for years who will apologize for being graphic when it becomes necessary to mention something sexual as part of a conversation. If we're not willing to talk openly about sex, our sexual prowess will only be a sum of our experience rather than one benefitted by the experiences of everyone we talk to. Imagine if scientists had to figure EVERYTHING out for themselves instead of benefitting from the work of other scientists.

I actually don't have a partner right now, but I have a lot of female friends that I've had for many, many years. We talk very openly about sex. I encourage them to talk just as openly with partners. Some listen. Some are very reluctant.

I think one of the issues that hasn't been mentioned here is that sometimes when you express what you want in the bedroom your partner can be offended in that "you want it to be better so you don't think it's good now" kind of way. I think most people are more willing to be embarrassed than to embarrass their partner. Because of this, I find this issues is often a killer of communication (not just sexual communication).

EDIT: Sorry if my reply was kind of random and unfocused. I'm a little distracted but I wanted to chime in because I think the topic is so important.

Great topic, Sin.

I think our society is more sexually repressed than we care to admit at times.
Yes! We think that because porn is all over the place, and tv is more sexual that this somehow translates to our openness. It doesn't. Watching porn and laughing about sexual hijinks is not openness. How many guys would admit to enjoying something that might be considered "homosexual" or "wussy"? Same goes for women, although not "wussy", but maybe "too perverted"? We have general ideas about what is okay, and what is "kinky=not good". The fact that we still have so many unwanted pregnancies in our teenage population says a lot about how little we understand sex and relationships between the sexes as a society. It's really very sad. Yeah, it can be awkward and embarrassing talking to your kids about this stuff...but would you prefer the alternatives?


Men think they talk about sex to other men, but mostly men avoid saying anything really. My experience with male conversation is that they stay mostly on the surface and they don't really explore sex in a very realistic way (ex: how often do you think men discuss sexual dysfunction?). Women seem to be becoming more sexually liberated, but many of my female friends make the claim that "open" conversations with their friends more resemble sex in the city (who wants women to start sounding like men when they talk about sex) instead of a truly open and realistic dialogue.
Yes, for many, it's about quantity, not quality. Sleeping around might be exciting, but it's bound to be less than great in terms of satisfaction. A lot of women get pissed of when their partner "doesn't last", but they never talk about ways to get around that. A lot of guys have less than great orgasms, because they don't think the woman (or man, or whatever) is really into it. Sex could be improved for us ALL if we weren't so scared of being open about it.

It's a bit sad but I have friends that I've been talking to about very intimate things for years who will apologize for being graphic when it becomes necessary to mention something sexual as part of a conversation. If we're not willing to talk openly about sex, our sexual prowess will only be a sum of our experience rather than one benefitted by the experiences of everyone we talk to. Imagine if scientists had to figure EVERYTHING out for themselves instead of benefitting from the work of other scientists.
Yes! What are we, as adults, embarrassed about? Someone will think we're weird? Even people who are very conservative sexually...what is it exactly that makes them uncomfortable when talking about sex? The language? You can talk about it without getting crude...the ideas themselves? Talking about it doesn't mean you have to do it, but it's good to know these things.


I think one of the issues that hasn't been mentioned here is that sometimes when you express what you want in the bedroom your partner can be offended in that "you want it to be better so you don't think it's good now" kind of way. I think most people are more willing to be embarrassed than to embarrass their partner.

This is a very good point. You don't want to make your partner feel bad, like they aren't fulfilling you sexually...but much like the woman who fakes orgasms, sometimes you are doing more damage in pretending to enjoy things than you are 'protecting' someone's feelings. Plus, you're just going to get bitter when your partner doesn't figure out you're not really enjoying it. *shakes head*

I think again, gender roles play a huge part in this. Guys are supposed to love sex, always, get their rocks off, and be satisfied. But sometimes that quicky sex just isn't that satisfying for them, orgasm notwithstanding. And women are supposed to not enjoy sex all that much, not take the aggressive role, be the pursued, not the pursuer, and be content with not being satisfied all the time. Deep down though, I think everyone wants to enjoy the intimacy that comes with a sexual relationship, and they don't want to be judged for the things they do in the bedroom.

Yes! *snip*

I agree with everything you said, dammit. *pokes self in eye*

I specifically like that you keep mentioning that just because it's generally easy for a guy to orgasm doesn't mean it's generally easy for a guy to enjoy sex. I've been left feeling just as empty after an orgasm. And I've had sex several where I never reached orgasm and would still consider it to be great sex. In a perfect world, we would remember to enjoy the journey and the destination.

I'm quite comfortable talking about it. The problem is, my wife isn't. I do my best at communication, at least as much as I can without making her uncomfortable and sometimes I try to get her to communicate more with me on the subject, but not with much success to date...

I agree with everything you said, dammit. *pokes self in eye*

I specifically like that you keep mentioning that just because it's generally easy for a guy to orgasm doesn't mean it's generally easy for a guy to enjoy sex. I've been left feeling just as empty after an orgasm. And I've had sex several where I never reached orgasm and would still consider it to be great sex. In a perfect world, we would remember to enjoy the journey and the destination.
Well, thank my husband for this knowledge...I honestly envied men the ability to orgasm every time, and believed the myth that the male orgasm was not multi-leveled. It's good to know that, just like women, men need to be "in the mood", and that a physical reaction does not automatically put them there!

Well, thank my husband for this knowledge...I honestly envied men the ability to orgasm every time, and believed the myth that the male orgasm was not multi-leveled. It's good to know that, just like women, men need to be "in the mood", and that a physical reaction does not automatically put them there!

The sad thing is that there are so many men that don't realize this. You would expect that women might not know, but men not knowing is kind of inexcuseable...

I'm quite comfortable talking about it. The problem is, my wife isn't. I do my best at communication, at least as much as I can without making her uncomfortable and sometimes I try to get her to communicate more with me on the subject, but not with much success to date...
Coming from the wife side, I sympathise with her:). I didn't really want to talk about it either, but I can't explain why. It just made me uncomfortable. I suspect that I was worried my husband might think I was slutty...that I'd slept around a lot before and that was why I was discussing this...or that he'd think I was too kinky or something. Plus, for a long time, I really didn't know what I liked...I hated it when he asked me because I never had an answer. And talking DURING...well, that would just ruin it. Completely. It was very frustrating.

I don't know what to tell you. I think you need to be relaxed and ready to discuss this sort of thing. For me, a bit of alcohol helps. For her, it might be something else. As long as she doesn't feel threatened, and as long as you stay patient, I think you will be able to bring it up slowly. Good luck, by the way!

The sad thing is that there are so many men that don't realize this. You would expect that women might not know, but men not knowing is kind of inexcuseable...
It's one of those where things men get the shaft (sorry!). It's more acceptable for women to open up sexually, but guys are still being pressured to bottle it up. Women have explored their own bodies for quite a few years now (I mean, not all, but overall it's been a focus in our society), but for guys it's often reduced to a dirty magazine and some vaseline. Women can go over the top with music, candles, mood...whatever...but that isn't 'masculine' enough for a lot of men. Also, much more so than women, I think guys often feel that certain acts are 'gay' or 'feminine', and so they avoid them.

Coming from the wife side, I sympathise with her:). I didn't really want to talk about it either, but I can't explain why. It just made me uncomfortable. I suspect that I was worried my husband might think I was slutty...that I'd slept around a lot before and that was why I was discussing this...or that he'd think I was too kinky or something. Plus, for a long time, I really didn't know what I liked...I hated it when he asked me because I never had an answer. And talking DURING...well, that would just ruin it. Completely. It was very frustrating.

I don't know what to tell you. I think you need to be relaxed and ready to discuss this sort of thing. For me, a bit of alcohol helps. For her, it might be something else. As long as she doesn't feel threatened, and as long as you stay patient, I think you will be able to bring it up slowly. Good luck, by the way!

I'm not giving up and I suspect it will be a long slow process like most every part of a good relationship. Learning to make two people into one cohesive whole is a challenge that eventually destroys selfishness, which is a completely foreign concept to most people...

The question is: How comfortable are you talking about sex to your partner? Are there things you would like to do, or have done to you, that you avoid bringing up? Why or why not? Is sex an important part of your relationship or not? What are your underlying attitudes about sex?
When I was in a sexual relationship I was a timid bastard about the whole thing. I wouldn't even go into the lingerie store with here because she was a busty blonde and I was a big bearded dude and I didn't want to look like I was 'dressin' up the little lady.' Completely ignoring that that was exactly what she was trying to get me to do. And that no one would have given a rats ass if I was in there or not.

Hypocritically I wasn't so much into requesting stuff and was happy with whatever I got but kept trying to get her to tell me what she wanted to happen. I was so easy to please I knew I couldn't have been that great.

I don't know that I would change much now, unfortunately. My detatched cool (which I asure you I have...stop giggling...) comes from my assumption that I'm not going to get 99.99% of what I want, and thats if I'm lucky. So I don't care-no point in getting amped up about crap that nots going to happen. I can wish it would, want it to-pine a little, but don't get excited-not worth it. But like a fisherman who doesn't get bites all that often when I get close to something I might have I lose that cool and thats where I fuck up. I'd like to think I'd just relax and be open about it all, but I might just clam up again and try and not break the fabrege(sp) egg...

That's if I got to that point. Problem is that I currently don't care enough to do anything about it. Don't get me wrong, sex is great. I dig it. But, know what? I also liked opium a great deal, but I'm not going to do it again. (mostly because of how good it was, but thats another thing...) More trouble than it's worth. If it happens, fantastic-but I'm not going out of my way for it. As a big hairy hippie-lookin' dude it doesn't just 'come my way' all that often.

So, the moral of the story is: Don't post when you haven't slept in a long ass time...what the hell was I talking about...?

*snip*
Wow. You're really giving me a good insight into the male mind here:). I'm starting to suspect that men might even be more repressed in terms of what they want, and their willingness to ask for it, than women are. Again, I think women are being encouraged to ask for what they want (because of the more difficult female orgasm), and that women are the ones who feel more comfortable saying, "No, not that...THIS" than men are. I think a lot of guys fantasise about certain things, but don't want to bring it up...or even worse...go and do those things outside the relationship. I guess it's just as horrible for a man to be stuck in a relationship where he never gets the things he'd enjoy...I know there was an incredible amount of relief on my husband's part when he asked for something, I wasn't really WILD about, but I was okay with...and knowing that it's something he really wants is certainly pay off enough!

Wow. You're really giving me a good insight into the male mind here:). I'm starting to suspect that men might even be more repressed in terms of what they want, and their willingness to ask for it, than women are. Again, I think women are being encouraged to ask for what they want (because of the more difficult female orgasm), and that women are the ones who feel more comfortable saying, "No, not that...THIS" than men are. I think a lot of guys fantasise about certain things, but don't want to bring it up...or even worse...go and do those things outside the relationship. I guess it's just as horrible for a man to be stuck in a relationship where he never gets the things he'd enjoy...I know there was an incredible amount of relief on my husband's part when he asked for something, I wasn't really WILD about, but I was okay with...and knowing that it's something he really wants is certainly pay off enough!

I'd also like to add in the stereotype that women are the gates to sex. You ask her to do the wrong thing, she closes the gate.

"Honey, could you try this instead of that?'
"You don't like the way I'm doing it, do it yourself!" *gates slam*

Wow. You're really giving me a good insight into the male mind here:). I'm starting to suspect that men might even be more repressed in terms of what they want, and their willingness to ask for it, than women are. Again, I think women are being encouraged to ask for what they want (because of the more difficult female orgasm), and that women are the ones who feel more comfortable saying, "No, not that...THIS" than men are. I think a lot of guys fantasise about certain things, but don't want to bring it up...or even worse...go and do those things outside the relationship. I guess it's just as horrible for a man to be stuck in a relationship where he never gets the things he'd enjoy...I know there was an incredible amount of relief on my husband's part when he asked for something, I wasn't really WILD about, but I was okay with...and knowing that it's something he really wants is certainly pay off enough!

Hey, not all men are repressed. Some of us are more than happy to talk about sex with our partners and go to sex shops to ask for something to bite (like a horses bit).

Admittedly it is more awkward when the staff speak little english with a very french accent and don't have what you want...

Some of us are quite happy to buy lingerie for our partners, just occasionally the taste differs. But not to worry, as my girlfriend just gets me to send it back!

Hey, not all men are repressed. Some of us are more than happy to talk about sex with our partners and go to sex shops to ask for something to bite (like a horses bit).

Admittedly it is more awkward when the staff speak little english with a very french accent and don't have what you want...

Some of us are quite happy to buy lingerie for our partners, just occasionally the taste differs. But not to worry, as my girlfriend just gets me to send it back!

She never said ALL MEN. We're exploring the reasons why we feel the way we feel, so we are intentionally looking at generalizations that are either generally true or generally seem true. A single example, though good to know and generally beneficial to the discussion, is hardly a reason for her or I or anyone to believe the general case is different.

I didn't say general(ly) enough in the preceding paragraphy so in general, I generally use the words general and generally more often. Generally, it's for everyone's general benefit.

*snip*
I get that:) Not all women are repressed either! I'm just making sweeping generalisations...

Wow. You're really giving me a good insight into the male mind here:). I'm starting to suspect that men might even be more repressed in terms of what they want, and their willingness to ask for it, than women are. Again, I think women are being encouraged to ask for what they want (because of the more difficult female orgasm), and that women are the ones who feel more comfortable saying, "No, not that...THIS" than men are. I think a lot of guys fantasise about certain things, but don't want to bring it up...or even worse...go and do those things outside the relationship. I guess it's just as horrible for a man to be stuck in a relationship where he never gets the things he'd enjoy...I know there was an incredible amount of relief on my husband's part when he asked for something, I wasn't really WILD about, but I was okay with...and knowing that it's something he really wants is certainly pay off enough!

I dont think its anything like that really. I do have my limits but given the opportunity i can be adventurous, its just finding the right way to do it. When a partner of mine suggests something i'm not comfortable with i decline and try to brush it off and carry on regardless. But reverse the situation and you get a glare, and maybe and end to the night's activities.
But of course thats only in my experience.

And Jocabia said the same thing, but rather more succinctly.

edit: just for clarity, i'm a guy.

One of the things that I've gotten around to in my current relationship is complete honesty with her. I wasn't completely honest with any of the prior women (there's always something I didn't say, mention, express, etc.).

And it worked both ways - in the end, it was dishonesty that caused the whole thing to unravel.

Not that I cheated- in some cases it was as simple as saying I was happy when I really wasn't.

Yes, there are always times when you compromise with your significant other. But you have to be honest about those compromises.

How comfortable are you talking about sex to your partner?

Extremely.


Are there things you would like to do, or have done to you, that you avoid bringing up? Why or why not?

Nope! Why not? Cuz we do them all the time.


Is sex an important part of your relationship or not?

I'm sure our relationship would survive without it, but it most definately has its place.


What are your underlying attitudes about sex?

I feel that it is an essential part of human interraction to have physical contact. Sex is physically the closest you can be to another human being without resorting to violence. Sex is also a physical manifestation of love as well as lust. Animal passion combined with pure, unequateable love makes for a very nice weekend.

I realize that many on here think that it's disgusting for a 61 year-old to think about sex, but they will understand when they pass 50 and their hormones are still pumping out.
Haha! Who would think that? Just as long as we don't have to watch you. ;)

The girls I date aren't always very comfortable with sex, so when I want something I have to sort of ease the subject in. It's an exercice in subtlety, but I can do that.

So I do.

I realize that many on here think that it's disgusting for a 61 year-old to think about sex

My wife tells me I damn well better still be thinking about sex at 61.

The girls I date aren't always very comfortable with sex, so when I want something I have to sort of ease the subject in. It's an exercice in subtlety, but I can do that.

So I do.
Sounds like anal.

Well, I've just recently gotten to the point where I'm obvious when I want sex, rather than just sending signals (that he almost never got, and it used to make me angry, although it was more my fault for not coming out and being obvious). I always had that "the guy is supposed to actually make the moves" attitude, so I never really initiated anything.

I still don't talk much about it, but neither does he, unless there seems to be a problem. I'm not bored with our sex life, but I wonder sometimes if he is and can't seem to just come out and ask because I think the question itself just sounds silly.

Sometimes I think I might like to experiment more (short of a few things that make me cringe at the very thought of them), but then I tend to assume that I'm being silly, and that the different things wouldn't really be all that different anyways.

So, long and short of it, I am very shy about sex. And don't even get me started on trying to psychoanalyze exactlly why, I could go on forever. LOL.

I think sex is very culturally influenced as well...at one point you say, "some of the weirder things"...what is weird in sex? Something that might be a bit weird for you, might not be for someone else, any really, isn't it ALL kind of weird?
Weird as in "requires a safeword" is pretty hard to communicate sometimes for example. It often gets extreme reactions and has ruined a relationship as she couldnt stand the thought of a "pervert" being with her, even if i was ready to bury the whole issue and stay the nice guys she knew and liked.
What i find important is that not going along with a partners wish doesnt mean you dont love her/him. Some things are just not to ones liking or ability. E.g., i am simply unable to do dirty talk that is anything but ridiculous, no matter how much she would like that, the parts of my brain that are responsible for speech just run on 10% during sex. But if i can communicate that, she knows its not because i dont try to fullfill her wishes. Otherwise there is a feeling of "does he care about ma wishes at all".

Wow. You're really giving me a good insight into the male mind here:). I'm starting to suspect that men might even be more repressed in terms of what they want, and their willingness to ask for it, than women are. Again, I think women are being encouraged to ask for what they want (because of the more difficult female orgasm), and that women are the ones who feel more comfortable saying, "No, not that...THIS" than men are. I think a lot of guys fantasise about certain things, but don't want to bring it up...or even worse...go and do those things outside the relationship. I guess it's just as horrible for a man to be stuck in a relationship where he never gets the things he'd enjoy...I know there was an incredible amount of relief on my husband's part when he asked for something, I wasn't really WILD about, but I was okay with...and knowing that it's something he really wants is certainly pay off enough!
I feel I should re-iterate what some people have already mentioned, and that is that on the scale, I'm towards the wuss end in this catagory. And it's more predicated on 'fear of loss' than anything else. I can't think of anything off the top of my head that I wouldn't be down for at least once (no, wait-thats not true...I have at least one) and certainly nothing that would end the whole deal but I'm pretty afraid the things I'm gonna ask for will be held against me in silent judgment. Or, as been pointed out, end the golden egg laying all together. Maybe thats it-fables screwed me. Golden goose, the dog in the relfection all conditioned me to like what I got and didn't dare ask for more...

Really aught to get some sleep...

It has a lot to do with confidence and atractiveness-a dude who knows he'll be able to 'get another chance' in a week or so is going to be more willing to ask for steak than someone who doesn't know when or where his next meal is gonna come from.

I realize that many on here think that it's disgusting for a 61 year-old to think about sex, but they will understand when they pass 50 and their hormones are still pumping out.

Whoa! Eutrusca, you're 61?! No problem with that, only I didn't expect it.

I realize that many on here think that it's disgusting for a 61 year-old to think about sex, but they will understand when they pass 50 and their hormones are still pumping out.

Whoa! Eutrusca, you're 61?! No problem with that, only I didn't expect it.

Yeah, for all my feminism, I still felt (okay, I still do, though I fight it) that the man should initiate sex, not the woman. Why?? WHY!!??? I don't know. I guess I don't want to be labelled as too aggressive or something...yet I didn't mind being aggressive for one night stands... :headbang:

Yeah, for all my feminism, I still felt (okay, I still do, though I fight it) that the man should initiate sex, not the woman. Why?? WHY!!??? I don't know. I guess I don't want to be labelled as too aggressive or something...yet I didn't mind being aggressive for one night stands... :headbang:
I think there's the underlying fear that if we don't conform to society's perception of gender roles, our partners will find someone who will.

Haha! Who would think that? Just as long as we don't have to watch you. ;)
"The prosecution rests, your honor." :rolleyes:

My wife tells me I damn well better still be thinking about sex at 61.
GOOD FOR HER! :D

Whoa! Eutrusca, you're 61?! No problem with that, only I didn't expect it.
Um ... should I take that as a compliment??? :D

BTW ... I'll turn 62 this month! Since I never expected to see 25, Yayyy Me! :D

E.g., i am simply unable to do dirty talk that is anything but ridiculous, no matter how much she would like that, the parts of my brain that are responsible for speech just run on 10% during sex. But if i can communicate that, she knows its not because i dont try to fullfill her wishes. Otherwise there is a feeling of "does he care about ma wishes at all".
Good example:) I actually had to give my husband lessons in dirty talking, because he just couldn't come up with anything. It was a bit awkward (and yes, a little funny) at first, but he's doing great now!

My wife's only complaint is that I don't flirt very well.

I voted sometimes. I'm still a little back and forth. Sometimes I feel totally comfortable with the topic and then other times I get very nervous and my palms rain like it's monsoon season. I find it easier to talk to my boyfriend about sexual topics if we've been talking about other crap and something sex related just sort of pops up in conversation.

Sex is not just an instinctive act...for me...it is very much instinct.
most of the time its all Instinct.

for me...it is very much instinct.
most of the time its all Instinct.
Instinct only gets you so far...

My friend and I were discussing this. We have both had the same problem. She's a she, I'm a he.

In the interest of keeping the thread as appropriate as possible, I'll be vague and I'll tell it about me and my partners, though like I said she has the same problem.

I'm fooling around with the girl. She is kissing me back and responding verbally but she is not, uh, doing anything to me, not even caressing.

Me: You know, you can touch me if you like.
Her: I know
*I wait*
*I take her hand and put it on me*
*she touches me for a while and then stops*
Me: Do you think I wasn't enjoying it?
Her: No. You were, weren't you?
Me: Yes. I wish you wouldn't have stopped.
Her: Okay.
*she does nothing*
*situation repeats*

This has been a problem with more than one girl and my friend said she's had the problem with more than one guy.

Instinct only gets you so far...
I get laid.

thats all I know. :D

what is in your wallet (do you get laid?)

she is not, uh, doing anything to me, not even caressing.

How odd, one would think half the fun would be in the touching, aswell as being touched.

*snip*
Timidity! ARRGHGHHGH!

I think that some people are also just selfish...they want to receive, but don't want to give.

what is in your walled (do get get laid?)
Huh?

I get laid.

thats all I know. :D

what is in your walled (do get get laid?)

People who think it's all about getting laid are kind of what we're complaining about.

People who think it's all about getting laid are kind of what we're complaining about.

It took me until age 44, and two ex-wives, to figure that out.

OceanDrive has a long way to go...

People who think it's all about getting laid are kind of what we're complaining about.Im not very good at dealing with women (or men) laments.

Im not perferct...take me like I am...or do not.

Um ... should I take that as a compliment??? :D

...Only everyone on here's in the 15-30 range...

...And I hope that when I'm 60, I'll still have the good humour to say things like "Yaaaay!:D." ...But then, considering the fact I'm just undergoing my second decade on earth, and I already am almost humourless enough, the chances seem grim.

Timidity! ARRGHGHHGH!

I think that some people are also just selfish...they want to receive, but don't want to give.

One of the girls I was really close with (and my friend was complaining about her husband), both of them just felt inadequate and like they weren't doing it right, no matter how much we told them otherwise. Sometimes I think you can't make people see through your eyes.

Timidity! ARRGHGHHGH!

I think that some people are also just selfish...they want to receive, but don't want to give.

That isn't always it. When I was less experienced (not that I've got all that much experience now, but whatever), I tended to be that way. Not because I didn't want to do anything for my partner, but because I was (a)worried that I wouldn't do it right and he might get mad (b)worried that I *would* do it right, and he might think I had more experience than I was telling and (c)just embarrassed about touching him in the first place. For some reason, if he was initiating everything and I was going along with it, it didn't seem embarrassing, but I couldn't initiate anything, and when he would actually ask, I would get even more embarrassed.

Edit: I've actually only had this problem at the beginning of a relationship or in a short-term relationship. Interestingly enough, I was never timid about touching my current partner, although I was careful to hold back and not let things get too serious too quickly.

Im not very good at dealing with women (or men) laments.

Im not perferct...take me like I am...or do not.

I'm not bashing you. Get laid. Enjoy sex. Just realize it's not ALL about that. You're not special because you can get laid. Just about anyone who really tries can get laid. Show you're special by listening to and understanding what your partner needs and desires. Show you're special by communicating your needs and desires. Trust me if you do those two things you'll enjoy getting laid much more, and you won't consider the simple fact that you manage to get laid as something that should be considered a badge of honor.

OceanDrive has a long way to go...You took the 5:00 bus...I don have to take the same bus...I dont want to go the same way...

...buy feel free to send me Postcards...

There's more to communicating during lovemaking than just talking.

You have to have a feel for your partner (and I'm not trying to be punny).

I can't say I've been successful in the past. I seem to have found the right woman now - maybe that's the way it works.

That isn't always it. When I was less experienced (not that I've got all that much experience now, but whatever), I tended to be that way. Not because I didn't want to do anything for my partner, but because I was (a)worried that I wouldn't do it right and he might get mad (b)worried that I *would* do it right, and he might think I had more experience than I was telling and (c)just embarrassed about touching him in the first place. For some reason, if he was initiating everything and I was going along with it, it didn't seem embarrassing, but I couldn't initiate anything, and when he would actually ask, I would get even more embarrassed.

Edit: I've actually only had this problem at the beginning of a relationship or in a short-term relationship. Interestingly enough, I was never timid about touching my current partner, although I was careful to hold back and not let things get too serious too quickly.

You'll like this - That was exactly the point I was trying to make only you worded it much more eloquently. Thank you.

Huh?
I corrected my post...

It was "wallet"....Y falta un "tu"...

escribo cualquier huevada :headbang:

Im not very good at dealing with women (or men) laments.

Im not perferct...take me like I am...or do not.
I think we are simply questioning the idea that you only care about your own pleasure (the let's just get laid attitude). I don't necessarily think that is what you are about. If you are, well, you will reap what you sow:)

For some reason, if he was initiating everything and I was going along with it, it didn't seem embarrassing, but I couldn't initiate anything, and when he would actually ask, I would get even more embarrassed.


I know what you mean, but like you, I'm not really sure why:)

I think both Jocabia and you have brought up good points. It probably IS more about inexperience or shyness than selfishness.

Hey, I hate to point this out, but you guys have agreed with one another again! Run! Hide!

I corrected my post...

It was "wallet"....Y falta un "tu"...

escribo cualquier huevada :headbang:
Hablas como chileno....?????

I think we are simply questioning the idea that you only care about your own pleasure (the let's just get laid attitude)....

make no mistake about it...When I do it...I do it for my own pleasure.

If by accident you happen to get pleasure too...its just collateral damage. :D

honest.

What's kinda weird is that my bf and I spend most of our relationship online...in fact we talked a lot about sex before we got together...we're both virgins, but he has experience at oral, so he in fact instructed me for a while. What's even weirder is that we're both terribly shy in real life. Who knows what will happen when we're back together, (he's at uni in Scotland at the moment :( ) but we've got the whole summer ahead and it could be interesting.

I know what you mean, but like you, I'm not really sure why:)

I think both Jocabia and you have brought up good points. It probably IS more about inexperience or shyness than selfishness.

Hey, I hate to point this out, but you guys have agreed with one another again! Run! Hide!

Son of a... hey, you have a TG.

make no mistake about it...When I do it...I do it for my own pleasure.

If by accident you happen to get pleasure too...its just collateral damage. :D

honest.

I think if she gets pleasure too, you'll get more pleasure more often.

make no mistake about it...When I do it...I do it for my own pleasure.

If by accident you happen to get pleasure too...its just collateral damage. :D

honest.
Oh. Well, I guess this thread has little to offer you then. Huevon.:)

Oh. Well, I guess this thread has little to offer you then. Huevon.:)err...are you a boy or a girl?

err...are you a boy or a girl?
She is female, I believe. Hence her feminism? :D

She is female, I believe. Hence her feminism? :D
I've met a number of male feminists on this forum, so no, that won't tell you alone. That little hint in my location might help....FEMALE, CANADA. No, there's no town called female...

err...are you a boy or a girl?

She's a female and I'm a male and we both think you're offbase on this issue.

And why do you ask, by the by?

She is female, I believe. Hence her feminism? :DI better make sure..cos the other day I got royale screwed.

And why do you ask, by the by?cos i want to know, If I can call you Huevon too. :D

You'll like this - That was exactly the point I was trying to make only you worded it much more eloquently. Thank you.

Yeah, I saw your post after I put it up.

How many times is this we have agreed now? I'm getting scared.... =)

I better make sure..cos the other day I got royale screwed.
Oh *gasp* my *gasp, wheeze*...the jokes...I must resist...but I just can't...

So, you wanted to be sure of my gender, because the other day you got royally screwed by a person whose gender you WEREN'T sure of!!!??

*I should have resisted....*

Huevona would be more appropriate. However, I prefer, Diosa Hermosa.

I think if she gets pleasure too, you'll get more pleasure more often.i get more than enough, dont worry about me.

Oh *gasp* my *gasp, wheeze*...the jokes...I must resist...but I just can't...

So, you wanted to be sure of my gender, because the other day you got royally screwed by a person whose gender you WEREN'T sure of!!!??

*I should have resisted....*

Huevona would be more appropriate. However, I prefer, Diosa Hermosa.

That was a terrible joke.

I usually just settle for WHORE

i get more than enough, dont worry about me.
We aren't worrying about you. We're concerned about your unsatisfied and unpleasured partners:(

i get more than enough, dont worry about me.

My guess is you really don't which is the reason for the thinly veiled animosity.

Ok huevona hermosa,

as long as you dont screw me like that other person...

My guess is you really don't which is the reason for the thinly veiled animosity.what animosity??

from me? Im feeling friendly rite now...

and I wanna congratulate la tigresa/hermosa/huevona for this great thread.

thumbs up.

Sin, kick me in the head if you think this is a hijack, but it is certainly related.

For those who have been sexually assaulted, especially at a young age, how comfortable are you discussing that with your partner? Do you think it has affected your ability to adequately communicate in a sexual relationship? If/when you have discussed it with a partner, how have they reacted?

In any case, let's not get too sidetracked.

I read a wonderful book once, some of you may be familiar with, called Doña Flor and Her Two Husbands, by Jorge Amado. She had one husband, this terrible cheating bastard, who was never home, and constantly humiliated her with his infidelities, yet who was a wonderful lover. He died and she remarried a very loyal man, who was a terrible, boring lover. Her longing for her old sex life sort of called her first husband back from the afterworld and allowed her to have a good, loyal man, and one who actually pleased her.

In the book, the idea of what is 'proper' to do with a wife, compared to a stranger or prostitute came up a lot. I saw this theme also explored in the movie, Summer of Sam. I think some men believe the 'dirty' things they enjoy are not proper to do to a wife, but it is okay to 'relieve themselves' with strangers. What a terrible, harmful attitude! I read a study once that was basically a compilation of interviews with Johns, and when asked why they went to prostitutes, the vast majority said that they didn't think they could do the same things with their spouse or girlfriend as they could with a professional.

Yet I think so many of us women would be willing to do these things, would enjoy them, and would enjoy MORE the certain knowledge that your loved one doesn't feel unsatisfied, or that they think they need to look elsewhere to fulfill the sexual side of the relationship.

That being said, I certainly don't think that poor communication skills is a good excuse to cheat.

Sin, kick me in the head if you think this is a hijack, but it is certainly related.

For those who have been sexually assaulted, especially at a young age, how comfortable are you discussing that with your partner? Do you think it has affected your ability to adequately communicate in a sexual relationship? If/when you have discussed it with a partner, how have they reacted?
No head kick is forthcoming.

Good question!

what animosity??

from me? Im feeling friendly rite now...

and I wanna congratulate la tigresa/hermosa/huevona for this great thread.

thumbs up.

I'll try a similar point. How would you feel if you lent someone money and when you asked for it back they told you to get bent because they got theirs?

In any case, let's not get too sidetracked.

I read a wonderful book once, some of you may be familiar with, called Doña Flor and Her Two Husbands, by Jorge Amado. She had one husband, this terrible cheating bastard, who was never home, and constantly humiliated her with his infidelities, yet who was a wonderful lover. He died and she remarried a very loyal man, who was a terrible, boring lover. Her longing for her old sex life sort of called her first husband back from the afterworld and allowed her to have a good, loyal man, and one who actually pleased her.

In the book, the idea of what is 'proper' to do with a wife, compared to a stranger or prostitute came up a lot. I saw this theme also explored in the movie, Summer of Sam. I think some men believe the 'dirty' things they enjoy are not proper to do to a wife, but it is okay to 'relieve themselves' with strangers. What a terrible, harmful attitude! I read a study once that was basically a compilation of interviews with Johns, and when asked why they went to prostitutes, the vast majority said that they didn't think they could do the same things with their spouse or girlfriend as they could with a professional.

Yet I think so many of us women would be willing to do these things, would enjoy them, and would enjoy MORE the certain knowledge that your loved one doesn't feel unsatisfied, or that they think they need to look elsewhere to fulfill the sexual side of the relationship.

That being said, I certainly don't think that poor communication skills is a good excuse to cheat.

This isn't something I would do, so I'm not sure if I'm what I'm guessing is true, but I think to a degree it's not necessarily that their wives/girlfriends won't do it, but they like to think of their wives/girlfriends as above doing whatever the act is. You can see how it might be more difficult for a man to, say, urinate on the mother of his children than it is to do the same on a prostitue.

Disclaimer: never used a prostitue for anything and never peed on a girlfriend.

I'll try a similar point. How would you feel if you lent someone money and when you asked for it back they told you to get bent because they got theirs?I would Butt rape you !!!

I say: at the end you will pay me...one way or another.
<<<pay up punk!! >>

*evil laugh*

Sin, kick me in the head if you think this is a hijack, but it is certainly related.

For those who have been sexually assaulted, especially at a young age, how comfortable are you discussing that with your partner? Do you think it has affected your ability to adequately communicate in a sexual relationship? If/when you have discussed it with a partner, how have they reacted?

I tell anyone close to me about being molested as a child and the related sexual experiences that followed in my early sex life. I think it's very important to understanding who I am and where I came from. They are usually upset at hearing about it and sometimes have a difficult time stomaching all that happened. I try to let them know that these events are part of who I am and that I would no sooner remove those things from my past than cut off one of my legs. They don't define me, but they did help to build me into the person I am today. It shouldn't be mistaken for thinking I would thank my molestor, but I don't have a problem with my childhood so I don't think anyone else should either.

I would Butt rape you !!!

I say: at the end you will pay me...one way or another.
<<<pay up punk!! >>

*evil laugh*

Good, so now you say that it would be appropriate for your unsatisfied partners to butt rape you? I hope you inform those partners of this agreement.

EDIT: Not suggesting anyone butt rape anyone, just saying maybe you should try viewing this from another angle and maybe you can see the obvious animosity in what you're saying.

This isn't something I would do, so I'm not sure if I'm what I'm guessing is true, but I think to a degree it's not necessarily that their wives/girlfriends won't do it, but they like to think of their wives/girlfriends as above doing whatever the act is. You can see how it might be more difficult for a man to, say, urinate on the mother of his children than it is to do the same on a prostitue.

Disclaimer: never used a prostitue for anything and never peed on a girlfriend.
Yeah, I guess so.

Perhaps it is that madonna/whore dichotomy at work. I know for some women, things they once did with their boyfriends is something they say they've 'grown out of' once they marry one of them. Silly. Same with guys...but damn, if you start thinking the mother of your kids isn't sexy anymore, just because she lets you pee on her...

As Ludacris says, "We want a lady on the street, but a freak in the bed!"

Women can wear many hats. So can guys. In fact, I support hat wearing when it comes to sex :p

Good, so now you say that it would be appropriate for your unsatisfied partners to butt rape you? I hope you inform those partners of this agreement.
I would inform them...but when im doing it...I am not what you call "a big talker"

like I said Im not perfect.

Yeah, I guess so.

Perhaps it is that madonna/whore dichotomy at work. I know for some women, things they once did with their boyfriends is something they say they've 'grown out of' once they marry one of them. Silly. Same with guys...but damn, if you start thinking the mother of your kids isn't sexy anymore, just because she lets you pee on her...

As Ludacris says, "We want a lady on the street, but a freak in the bed!"

Women can wear many hats. So can guys. In fact, I support hat wearing when it comes to sex :p

I support the wearing of jimmy hats. All other hats tend to fall off, and hat pins are very dangerous when you're naked.

See, now you have me making stupid jokes too.

I would inform them...but when im doing it...I am not what you call "a big talker"

like I said Im not perfect.

I think at some point someone took something from you, you didn't want them to take and this is why you hold the attitude you do towards your partners. If you don't care about them or even their sexual pleasure, how can they hurt you? They can't, but they also can't share with you tons of pleasures you're missing out on.

For those who have been sexually assaulted, especially at a young age, how comfortable are you discussing that with your partner? Do you think it has affected your ability to adequately communicate in a sexual relationship? If/when you have discussed it with a partner, how have they reacted?

So, I figure I should respond to my own questions. Here goes:

My current boyfriend is the first I've ever been able to tell about my childhood experiences. I have discussed it with my female friends, and even a few male friends, but he is the only person I have ever been involved with that I have told. The experiences weren't prolonged, particularly brutal, and may not even count as molestation in the eyes of some (I assume that oral sex/manual stimulation does count, but I don't know if it *technically* does), but I do think they had a profound effect on who I have become. My early fears of guys for example, could have been, in part, due to past experiences.

I was able to bring it up with my partner when he was discussing female friends of his and the fact that they had told him about their experiences. His reaction was simple and, in a way, much more what I was looking for than you might think. He didn't act shocked or pull away from me or anything of that sort. He simply asked me, "Who do I have to kill?" It was in jest (sort of), of course. He wouldn't actually kill anyone. But I knew at that point that I had his support and I think he understands a good bit about me more now than he did before.

I support the wearing of jimmy hats. All other hats tend to fall off, and hat pins are very dangerous when you're naked.

See, now you have me making stupid jokes too.

I support the wearing of jimmy hats as well - for other people. I kind of prefer it sans-jimmy hat these days. =)

As for any other hat, it wouldn't be a problem with it falling off. When it got hot enough in the room, I'd have to get rid of it. =)

.. If you don't care about them or even their sexual pleasure....
hmm..

Its not really that I just dont care...Its more like: I am too busy to care.

and most of the time they say they ejoyed it very much("that was wild" or "dude I wish you could teach that to my BF" or "plz stay" etc)

so I think they get pleasure too... I guess I take their pleasure for granted.

for the record ...sometimes its clear they did not get the candy...

hmm..

Its not really that I just dont care...Its more like: I am too busy to care.

and most of the time they say they ejoyed it very much("that was wild" or "dude I wish you could teach that to my BF" or "plz stay" etc)

so I think they get pleasure too... I guess I take their pleasure for granted.

for the record ...sometimes its clear they did not get the candy...
Hmmm...it rather sounds as if you're talking about one-night stands, not relationships...the connotation of the title of this thread being we would discuss long term relationships, not flings.

Hmmm...it rather sounds as if you're talking about one-night stands, not relationships...the connotation of the title of this thread being we would discuss long term relationships, not flings....my mistake.

tienes razon tigresa...hermosa.

...my mistake.

tienes razon tigresa...hermosa.
Como siempre!

I don't have a partener, so I can't vote on the poll!?!? ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! A POOL WHERE I CANNOT VOTE!!!!

My current boyfriend is the first I've ever been able to tell about my childhood experiences. I have discussed it with my female friends, and even a few male friends, but he is the only person I have ever been involved with that I have told. The experiences weren't prolonged, particularly brutal, and may not even count as molestation in the eyes of some (I assume that oral sex/manual stimulation does count, but I don't know if it *technically* does), but I do think they had a profound effect on who I have become. My early fears of guys for example, could have been, in part, due to past experiences.



No, that counts. There is no "technical" about it.

I'm fairly open with my partner, I mean, I feel very comfortable with him and stuff, but I think sometimes I can think myself into awkwardness, and not wanting to be blunt. I'll blame it on my upbringing! We do talk about sex though, how things are going, things we'd like to do etc.