NationStates Jolt Archive

I consider puns to be the highest form of humour. I'm wild about puns. So post your best ones here, and don't worry about sourcing them...humour is usually ripped off from someone else anyway!

A freudian slip:
where you mean to type one thing, but you type your mother.

What's brown and sticky?


A Stick <--

He had won every award and received every achievement: he was quite simply the best scarecrow ever. He truly was out standing in his field.


Two armed robbers raided a bank yesterday, only to find the vaults empty - except for one root vegetable in the middle of the room.

That certainly was a turnip for the crooks.



I'll get me coat.

I have been waiting for this thread forever :eek:


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.

By day, he was an ordinary farm hand, tending the flocks. But by night, he lived a double life as an infamous secret agent.
They called him... The Shepherd Spy.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and
heat it, too.

I was once asked to tell a joke on the subject of the King, upon which I replied that the King was not a subject. :p

Actually, I entered a pun contest recently. I got a few good ones. I sent in my ten best. There weren't that many applicants. I really thought one would be good enough to win, but no pun in ten did.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", one
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

*Cheesy advert music*

Looking for a new sofa? Come to Sofa King. Hundreds of sofas, chairs, and tables. All our sofas are at Sofa King Low prices.


I rang the local resteraunt the other night, and said "Do you deliver"? Bloke said "No, we do lamb, chicken, and fish"

A woman has twins and gives them up 4 adoption. One goes to a
family in Egypt n is named "Ahmal." The other goes to Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


bwahhahahahahaha! I love that one.

I rang the local resteraunt the other night, and said "Do you deliver"? Bloke said "No, we do lamb, chicken, and fish"

Unless it was intended as a deconstructive anti-joke (in which case i fully support your crazy radical thinking :P) you cocked that one up ;)

Unless it was intended as a deconstructive anti-joke (in which case i fully support your crazy radical thinking :P) you cocked that one up ;)

Quiet you.


Coming soon: Timepieces for astronaughts. Watch this space!


An author did all his writing from a study beneath his house. It was a very cryptic book, but it was at a bargain-basement price, so he ended up with a best cellar.


If Friar Tuck, while attending divinity school, had gotten Ph.D.s in both comparative theologies and Greek philosophy, would he then have graduated as a really deep, fat friar...?

lol Mac.....speaking of friars.....


These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist
hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger


:rolleyes:

A little girl gets a new dog for her birthday and goes out to play. Shortly later she comes back inside, her hands stained red.
"What happened?"
"My pup... runneth over"


Secondly, my favourite joke of all time:

Two parots are sitting on a perch
One turns to the other and says "do you smell fish?"

Secondly, my favourite joke of all time:

Two parots are sitting on a perch
One turns to the other and says "do you smell fish?"


lol-yes that one is excellent

News from the Bicycle Wheel Manufacturers Association is that they've appointed a new spokes-person.

He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth when the doctor came in and informed the new dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs.

The son had only a head! But the dad loved his son anyway, and raised him as well as he could, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son was old enough for his first drink. Dad took him to the bar and tearfully told the son he was proud of him. Then Dad ordered up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out of the bottom of the son's head! The bar was deadly silent; then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons began chanting, "Take another drink!" The bartender stood still, shaking his head in amazement.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out. The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, cried for his son to drink again. The patrons continued their chant: "Take another drink!"

But the bartender turned his back at this point, ignoring the whole affair.

By now the boy was getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reached down, grabbed his drink, and guzzled the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

By now the bar was in chaos, with the father on his knees, thanking God. The boy stood up on his new legs and stumbled to the left, then to the right, then right through the front door, and into the street, where a truck ran smack into him, killing him instantly.

The bar fell silent. The father began to softly moan in grief. The bartender picked up the boy's empty glass, and began to clean it, muttering, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'your round.' The Other one says 'so are you, you fat bastard'

This fella is on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant lying on the ground, in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it, and the elephant trots merrily away. Twenty years on, the man is standing in the street in London watching a circus procession pass by. When the elephant gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk, lifts him bodily into the air, smashes him on the ground and jumps on him. It was a different elephant.

lol @ the two blokes



Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" The second atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"

yes booo i know.

Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Don't you start'

Don't, unless you have caller ID and know the person, answer the phone "Peace Gardens Cemetary, you kill 'em, we grill 'em" Doesn't go down well. That one I have done myself. Along with the classic "Underground Airlines, Captain Mole speaking".

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger


:rolleyes:

lmao :p ...why do I have such a demented sence of humor :|

'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

What do you get when you put an epileptic on lettuce?
Seizure salad!

Most of the puns i knwo are incredibly long - part of the humour being the length of time someone has to sit thru the joke for a simpel crappy pun at teh end :P

Ok, so one day Kermit Jagger, the unlikely frog-son of legend Mick Jagger, walks into the bank to request a loan. You see, he has a grand scheme in mind - he wants to redevelop a nearby riverbank to make it into a housing and entertainment complex for all teh riverfolk - where fish, moles, newts, ferrets and the like can live in peaceful, classy harmony with each other, whiling away the nights at Kermit's Klondike Casino or watching the newest releases at the multi-screen Kermit Cinemaplex. However, in order to realise his grand designs Kermit needs £100,000 to buy the land and get in the builders.
The Loan Officer that day was an Irishman - Mr Wak (Paddy to his friends). Impressed by Kermit's detailed plans and blueprints he tells the plucky frog that he'd like to give him a loan, but one of such size requires a decent collateral to back it. Poor ol' Kermie hadn't considered this so he takes a moment to think, before removing from his neck a gaudy white plastic necklace - explaining that it's the only thing he has on him he coudl use. The obvious low-quality of the necklase worries Paddy, so he excuses himself to ask the Bank Manager's advise on the situation.
"Well," he is told, "It's a knick-knack Paddy Wak, but give the frog a loan - his old man's a Rolling Stone!"

A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.

And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.

The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.

Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.

"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.

"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.

The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.

Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.

As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."

A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.

And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.

The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.

Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.

"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.

"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.

The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.

Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.

As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."

Oh, good God. That's just awful.

And now i present for your pleasure: a pun in the style of an amature dramatics meeting :p

One day a man goes into the vet holding a fishtank in which his pet fish is floating upside-down.

Man: Please, can you help my fish?
Vet: Sorry sir, that fish is dead
Man: No! No it can't be!
Vet: I assure you sir, your fish has expired - it is an ex-fish (sorry, i'll try not to drift off into Monty Python :P)
Man: I don't believe you! I want another opinion!
Vet: Very well sir

The vet walks into another room, and comes back with a Labrador on a lead. He leads the labrador up to the fish tank, where it sniffs around for a few seconds before looking dolefully up at the vet and shakng it's head

Dog: *Bark!*
Man: No!

The vet leads the dog out of the room, and whistles. Hearing him, a nearby cat strolls over and jumps into his arms. The vet holds the cat and moves it's face forwards and backwards in front of the fish, which remains motionless

Cat: *Miaow*

The Vet drops the cat, and it scuries off.

Vet: Sir, i can assure you now with 100% confidence that your fish has indeed died, slipped off the mortal coil. It is no more. (Ahem)
Man: (crying now) Oh alright, i give in, guess i'll just have to let him go. How much do i owe you?
Vet: That'l be £550 please
Man: (startled, slightly angry) What? £550 for you to tell me my fish is dead? That's ridiculous!
Vet: Well sir, if you'd just taken my word for it i woudln't have charged you, but the lab report and the cat scan... these things cost money.

Man and Vet fall to the floor. Lights go off amid mass hysteria from the crowd. I bow

Calricstan's Foreign Legion one reminded me of a cracker, but i'm too tired to bother typing out another joke so i'll cheat and find it on a website somewhere.

*a quick minute's googling later* (ok, this version doesn't involve the Foreign Legion, but that doesn't matter)

There are two guys who have been lost in the desert for weeks,and
they're at death's door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or
something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off
in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
Upon rasher of bacon.

There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon,
all sorts.

"Oh my, Pepe" says the first bloke. "It's a bacon tree!!! We're
saved!!!"

"You're right!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the Prospect
of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the
sound
of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! What on earth happened?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out "Ugh, run, run!! It's not a Bacon Tree...


"its a ham bush"

I was once asked to tell a joke on the subject of the King, upon which I replied that the King was not a subject. :p

Ooh. Ridicule. I love that movie. Except for that very first bit.

this one was made up today in my french class when one of the kids got his foot run over by a car (ouch! :( :eek: ) and we made him a card.


it said: get well and heel. lol, very bad.

Somewhere in Sub-Saharan Africa, there lived a tyrannous jungle king who terrorized his citizens and forced them to build him throne after throne: first one of clay, then of tin, then of iron, then of bronze, and so on. After the king sat on a throne for a month, he would stow it in the roof of his grass hut and order the craftsmen to build him another one. But eventually he got so many thrones that the grass roof gave way and the thrones fell on him and killed him.

Moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

A lot of my favorite puns are in Japanese, and take explanation, so I'll avoid them here.

But one comes with a fun little story. The first joke I ever learned in Japanese is a pun on the homonyms for strawberry and the words one and five. Strawberry is "ichigo", one is "ichi", and five is "go". The joke starts off with the question "Do you like strawberries?"
I learned this one while I was a student in Nagasaki. Later, when I returned to Japan, I lived in Niigata. When I first tried telling my lone little joke, I was confused. The usual response of "Yeah, I like strawberries." was replaced with "Yeah, I like Niigata."

I was really confused until I learned a bit more. The old historic name for Niigata is Echigo. However, one of the features of the local dialect is a reversal the "i" and "e" sounds. So I was ending up asking "Do you like Niigata?"

What's brown and sticky?


A Stick <--

One of my all time faves!

Here's another:

Two fish were in a tank. The first turns to the second and says "Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?"

Xenia?: You cant shoot me james, you'd miss me too much.

James Bond: I never miss.

The king has a court jester that is great in every way except that he likes to tell puns, which the king just cannot stand. One day the king tells the jester if he makes another pun he'll be executed. The jester holds off as long as he can, but finally he slips up and tells a pun. The king, in keeping with his order, directs that the jester be hung by the neck until dead. The day comes for the execution and the jester takes the platform and the hangman puts the rope around his neck. Just as he is about to pull the lever and open the trap door, the king steps up and looks at the jester and says - I'll give you one more chance - can you promise not incite me with those awfuls puns anymore? The jester promises he'll be good and so the king orders him released. As the hangman removes the rope the jester looks over at the king and says "Thank you sire, no noose is good noose."


so they hung him.

The king has a court jester that is great in every way except that he likes to tell puns, which the king just cannot stand. One day the king tells the jester if he makes another pun he'll be executed. The jester holds off as long as he can, but finally he slips up and tells a pun. The king, in keeping with his order, directs that the jester be hung by the neck until dead. The day comes for the execution and the jester takes the platform and the hangman puts the rope around his neck. Just as he is about to pull the lever and open the trap door, the king steps up and looks at the jester and says - I'll give you one more chance - can you promise not incite me with those awfuls puns anymore? The jester promises he'll be good and so the king orders him released. As the hangman removes the rope the jester looks over at the king and says "Thank you sire, no noose is good noose."


so they hung him.


"hanged"

people are "hanged"

sometimes they're hung, but thats another matter entirely.

"hanged"

people are "hanged"

sometimes they're hung, but thats another matter entirely.

OK, hanged, fuck, picky-picky. At least you didn't say the pun sucked. :)

I've always had a soft spot for the SKS, and...ohh, Puns!