NationStates Jolt Archive

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."

in england thats replaced by sherlock holmes and watson, i guess that your only one

Sven and Lars. :D

A chance to it use at last!:
The lone Ranger and Tonto are out in the desert. Walking through a narrow pass, hundreds of native americans suddenly appear, bows levelled at the intrepid duo.
The Lone Ranger slowly takes stock of the situation, turns to Tonto and says, 'Well, it looks like this is it for us, old friend.'
Replies Tonto, 'What do you mean "us", white man?'

Don't we all love Lone Ranger jokes?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are tracking a group of horse thieves. They split up to search an area. The Lone Ranger later meets up with Tonto and finds him with his ear to the ground.

"Kemosabe, there are six thieves, each on their own horse. Three of them are riding brown horses, and three are riding black horses."

"Amazing! How did you find that out?"

"They just ran over me."

I like the Farside cartoon that has the line:
"Years later, long after his retirement, The Lone Ranger makes an unfortunate discovery"
The picture has him reading an 'Apache-English' dictionary and he's saying "Kemosabe - Apache expression for a horses' rear end...What the hey!"



As an aside - Just as I started typing this I was listening to The Jam's song "Thick as Thieves" and the line:
"Like the perfect Lone Ranger you ran away"
popped up. How spooky is that? How many songs do you have that mention the Lone Ranger? That's it for me - out of 1500+ songs I have on my PC. What are the odds of that song coming up on random right now?

Q: What is sixteen inches long and hangs between Ronald Reagan's legs?

A: Brian Mulroney's tie

The lone ranger and Tonto are traveling along some railroad tracks when suddenly Tonto jumps down off of his horse, places his ear to the track, and says "Buffalo Come". The lone ranger exclaims "That's amazing! How do you know that by just placing your ear against the railroad track?"
Tanto replies "Ear sticking to track".

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail when they
decided to take a rest. Tonto places his ear to the ground.
"Hmmm....Buffalo come", remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?", asked the Lone Ranger.
"Ear sticky", replied Tonto.


Edit: God damn you Commie! Beating me by seconds to this joke! A bit worrying we both thought of it at the same time too.

Crazy DH! and funny farside! hah

another non-LR joke:

An older man goes in for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along.

When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

eeeek coincidences galore today :eek:

another non-LR joke (HAH):
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".