NationStates Jolt Archive

Alright folks, I've done it! I've put together the most logical explanation of our beginning and why our planet is so fu-....the way it is. And it satisfies those for evolution and those who believe in God...

See, it started like this. God, as a child, lack discipline. He was one of those rich kids who was spoiled rotten and got what he always wanted. Well, when he reached junior high, the 7th grade to be exact, he was assigned a science project that would continue with him through his school and college days. It was a biology experiment.

Well, he decided to create a new form of life, the germ. Well, he got bored quick with this bubble of gook just floating around, so he put a couple more germs. Some came together to form multicellular organisms. God flipped out! His experiment changed unexpectedly...then he learned it was expected for something unexpected to happen in an experiment...

Well, by the 9th grade, the organisms had changed into lots of fishies. By then, God earned his twisted sense of humor and added teeth, big and sharp teeth and carnivorous aspects to these fishies. Then came the first deaths caused by others, and survival of the fittest came into play. God watched on over the millions of years as the species changed and changed, and then, he got dinosaurs. He dropped a rock on accident into the round tank of his, and accidently wiped out almost every bit of life. He told his teacher it was expected, after all, unexpected things are expected in an experiment.

Then millions more years passed, and then he got the...monkey!!! God laughed his ass off, the monkeys, resembling all the other Gods, had about as much hair as his freakish foreign teacher (its rumored she came from Uranus)

Then, God decided to 'play' with his creatures. He moved the tank into a shady spot of the class, and it froze into a giant ice cube with the weirdo monkeys roaming about, who had created spears. God loved watching these guys bring down the mammoths, but that was boring seeing one side win, so he made a land bridge into a continent with lots of bigs cats, with lots of big teeth, and lots of speed. We call 'em the Saber tooth. Well, God, in his twisted sense of humor, moved the planet back under the heat lamp, and melted the ice, nearly flooding the world....again. Well, that is our beginning.

God later went on to flood the world again, he found it great the first, might as well try a second. He also wiped out a giant city, turned lots of people into salt for some odd experiment. But lately, God has taken a quick vacation to Jupiter, and is currently enjoying destroying all those Jupitereans with a big red storm.

What a guy.

The End.

SO what was up with that whole Jesus thing, anyway?

We're just a science experiment! Who would've thought. I say we destroy science, because science does not-nice things. I mean, the world would be peachy-keeny if God didn't play God. There also wouldn't be a world, but that's besides the point. God has no right to play God, nor do we. We should execute all excessively furry monkey teachers, destroy all scientifc records and facilities and become like the Romantics (Particularly Byron. He was fond of sheep. BAHHHHHHHHHHHH! BA-BA-BA-BAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [Heavy sheep breathing :fluffle: ]), and then begin the arduous process of self annihliation through Euthenasia. That's right kiddos, you heard it first here. Join the Church of Euthenasia so we can show to God our dissillusionment with his "science"!



I bet no one on this site has ever heard a sheep become... that excited

I bet no one on this site has ever heard a sheep become... that excited

Once.

:eek:

*runs aways*

SO what was up with that whole Jesus thing, anyway?

Well, God was a young man thriving in his college years. Well, there was this one chick he found at a party. She was a babe, went by the name 'Mary'. God began using his moves, trying to get a date with the hotty in the next room...Well, after God used enough of his special hit-ons (aka, beer...) she fell for it.

Then, the next day, after the party, Mary confessed during a massive hangover, she was married. God was pissed. In some strange twisted way, he had seriously fallen for her. God grabbed Mary and hurled her into his growing experiment. Her husband became yet another example of God's weird sense of humor after he was turned into a Platypus and banished to Australia. God found a new husband for her, some drunk from the party. Went by the name of Joseph, not much was said about him.

Well, Jesus was born. And he was great kid, nothing like his old man who enjoyed watching the planet spin too fast, freeze, roast, the whole deal. Jesus began worrying about the people off Earth. It was obvious they weren't the fastest creatures in the universe. It was well known God had a very short temper and when angry, flooded the earth, salted cities, burned civilizations, yet people continued to piss off the young God. Jesus set out to try to tell people to put some thought in about God, and about others.

And the first Psychiatrist was made.

Jesus later went on to commit great feats, his father's side showing. THe walking on water, turning water into wine (more on that later) and then, well, the Romans got real pissed with this party animal turning water into wine and fish into more fish and bread. The Romans didn't like parties unless they were invited, and they weren't invited. So they killed the poor guy. Sad end for the man, however, Jesus got his revenge on humanity by later creating......The door-to-door Christians! And the Mormons.

To explain the whole blood and wine thing. Its simple. See, a long while ago God tried to create the perfect race. Well, while in the workshop, God's best friend Dionysius accidently dripped some booze in the mixture, and the Irish were made. Apparently, somewhere in Mary's line, there was some Irish. What else could explain Jesus having wine for blood?

And to assist the Invasion of the Polls, I have added a poll...

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/positive8.jpg

Which explains why five thousand years ago, a less-disciplined, more snobby (and altogether more pimply) God was smiting this person and that person, flooding the world here and making people speak in strange tongues there, and of course, putting that one thing that he doesn't want you to have right in front of you, just to piss you off.
She HAD to eat the apple, God! You put it right there! Why did you even put it there if you didn't want her to- GAHH! You piss me off so bad!
Anyway, that explains why God was doing all kinds of crap back there and is now just letting us kill each other. Tricky bastard, that "God" fellow. Tricky, tricky.

The Lord is my shepherd.
I shall not want
He leadeth me to still waters
And Maketh me to lie down in green pastures
Yea, as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I will fear no evil, for thou art with me
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
(I did that from memory. Not sure if it's 100% right. ALso I didnt finish it... It's like something about a banquet... I memorized Psalm 23 a while ago.. .just cant remember it)

Well, I bet the sheep didn't want him or Jesus as their shepherd. I don't think His rod and staff comforted them.

Jesus came into the picture to be our shepherd, if you know what I mean... Smae with Lord Byron.

(Ba-Ba-Bah-Bah-Ba-BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!)
The sheep get excited again!

Ah, see, what did I tell yas? I'm gonna take a trip to the firey party with Lucipher...God's big rival in the big experiment...The Poll invaders know all!

My God! It's so simple! Wait, no it isn't, it's unnecessarily complex, but I'll buy it, it's as good as the next theory

I have noticed that there are those wondering if Moses and Jesus really conquered Rome using guns. Yes, yes they did.

A long time ago, in a land far, far away, at least to me in Virginia, not as far to you Euros...But anyway, this isn't a geography lesson, but it could be...Back to story.

Jesus and Moses were marching side by side with there army of battered and pissed Jews, who had just clobbered and destroyed the Atlantean civilization. Poor guys, but that's another story...

The pair of Holymen marched and marched constantly for days and days, until the Roman Legions approached. This wasn't good, since Jesus and Moses were also suffering from a hangover. Ah, that was not the only problem however.

As said before, the Romans didn't like it when they weren't invited to a party, and they weren't invited. They attacked! All seemed horrible, all the hungover Jewish dudes were getting clobbered, though some Romans fled the stench of throw-up.

Then, when all seemed lost and gone for good, Jesus pulled out an M-60 Machine Gun, Holy Style! And duplicated it just like he did to the fish and handed a machine gun to Moses. Together, they opened fire. Of course, in their drunken state, they accidently wiped out most of their own dudes also...but eh, who cared, they were Holymen right?

Well, Jesus and Moses were kicking ass, and they marched on Rome. They were the only two left against the Roman legions. There was a huge showdown on the Seventh hill of Rome. Thousands died. Jesus found a way to trick the Romans by turning all the liquid into wine, which worked better than the blood of the Nile thing, since half the Roman legions were totally hammered.

So, Jesus and Moses defeated Rome, but Jesus was captured in the end. And the Romans unleashed their anger for not being invited to the party....

But the City of Rome fell before Jesus and Moses when they used Guns!!! Later, the door-to-door Christians and the Mormons came to torment us all in revenge.....

dun Dun DUN!

Can I convert to your new found religion? It at least makes as much (if not more) sense than Mormonism...

Also, is either

1) bestiality

2) sheep sacrifices

permitted in this cult of yours?

:fluffle:

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! :eek:

god, there'll be no silence of the lambs tonight. THey're real shriekers!

............This is not a religion, but The Explanation....

Time to bring this back with a new story, the true story behind Jonah and the whale....

There was once a dude. That dude's name was Jonah. He was a bit of a smart ass kinda guy, and being that he wasn't the best fighter around, he often got his smart ass kicked, and it was usually by God. Jonah often smarted off to God, joking about how he had a long beard but no hair on his shiny bald head, that kind of stuff. Well, one day God had enough.

Jonah was walking along a mountain, and he saw God. Naturally he saw God on this mountain with no one else around, go figure, but still, I know he saw God because I am....I am Knowledgeable. Now, he had a bit to drink and as soon as he saw good ole God, he got that usual mischevious grin on his face and grabbed God by the head, coughed on his baldness, and acted like he was shining an apple. God was furious. He knocked Jonah back about fifty feet and shot some lightning at him, but luckily for our entertaining history lesson, he missed. Jonah sobered up pretty fast, he sprinted off down the mountain and stopped at the beach. He heard God in the sky chasing after him, and after muttering something along the lines of "Humorless cheating bugger, using the sky..." He ran for a boat off shore.

The men on the ship wondered what was wrong, and he Jonah just said that he was late for his wife's pregnancy, which might have been true, since he had about five pregnant chicks back home, but hey, he lived for the nightlife. The ship set sail quickly, but no sooner than they reached the deep blue waters far from land did God show up. A very pissed and cranky ole God at that. Well, he created some big storm, showing of his power to the ship's crew, who happened to be a bunch of illegals trying to get into Israel, but that's another story... The illegals blamed Jonah for the storm, sort of rightfully so, and through him overboard, right into a whale that happened to be opening it's mouth to eat some krill at the same moment.

Jonah was swallowed by the whale, and shockingly survived in the stomach of the whale. The species of whale is unknown, but it is known that the whale happened to be the last whale with a livable habitat inside and at one time housed the Flintstones when the world flooded, but that too is another story. Well, Jonah entered the whale at a time another guy was living there. Our good friend, the White Rabbit. Now Jonah liked this guy a bit, the rabbit was a pushover, kept taking crap from kids, letting them getaway with stealing his cereal...

Jonah picked on the rabbit alot. The White Rabbit took it each time, like a pushover. Jonah often liked putting the tapes of the White Rabbit getting pushed around by kids on tv, those tapes are now used as commercials. But the White Rabbit snapped one day. He pulled out a gun one day, and capped Jonah. Then capped the whale after swimming out of the blowhole. The White Rabbit was on a rampage, and went to find those kids....But that is another story, and that was the end of Jonah. Now you know the truth of Jonah as well...

doesnt really work for those who dont believe a god never existed, and will never exist.

So that explains why I felt like something was trying to kill me wioth a magnifying glass last week. Must have been a relative of Gods

doesnt really work for those who dont believe a god never existed, and will never exist.


God did exist, just wasn't so supreme, just part of an unknown alien race that we just can't seem to find at the moment, but one day they'll come back and save us all from the firey cannibalistic hellish midgets of doom. God was just the guy's name, he had party friends like Bob and George. He was once college party animal, a legacy carried on by Jesus.

Alright folks, I've done it! I've put together the most logical explanation of our beginning and why our planet is so fu-....the way it is. And it satisfies those for evolution and those who believe in God...

See, it started like this. God, as a child, lack discipline. He was one of those rich kids who was spoiled rotten and got what he always wanted. Well, when he reached junior high, the 7th grade to be exact, he was assigned a science project that would continue with him through his school and college days. It was a biology experiment. I swear to God... I pictured Trelane from Star Trek TOS...

Well, he decided to create a new form of life, the germ. Well, he got bored quick with this bubble of gook just floating around, so he put a couple more germs. Some came together to form multicellular organisms. God flipped out! His experiment changed unexpectedly...then he learned it was expected for something unexpected to happen in an experiment...

Well, by the 9th grade, the organisms had changed into lots of fishies. By then, God earned his twisted sense of humor and added teeth, big and sharp teeth and carnivorous aspects to these fishies. Then came the first deaths caused by others, and survival of the fittest came into play. God watched on over the millions of years as the species changed and changed, and then, he got dinosaurs. He dropped a rock on accident into the round tank of his, and accidently wiped out almost every bit of life. He told his teacher it was expected, after all, unexpected things are expected in an experiment.

Then millions more years passed, and then he got the...monkey!!! God laughed his ass off, the monkeys, resembling all the other Gods, had about as much hair as his freakish foreign teacher (its rumored she came from Uranus)

Then, God decided to 'play' with his creatures. He moved the tank into a shady spot of the class, and it froze into a giant ice cube with the weirdo monkeys roaming about, who had created spears. God loved watching these guys bring down the mammoths, but that was boring seeing one side win, so he made a land bridge into a continent with lots of bigs cats, with lots of big teeth, and lots of speed. We call 'em the Saber tooth. Well, God, in his twisted sense of humor, moved the planet back under the heat lamp, and melted the ice, nearly flooding the world....again. Well, that is our beginning.

God later went on to flood the world again, he found it great the first, might as well try a second. He also wiped out a giant city, turned lots of people into salt for some odd experiment. But lately, God has taken a quick vacation to Jupiter, and is currently enjoying destroying all those Jupitereans with a big red storm. soo... did he get an A+?

and what of the Platypus... and the morphing Frogs? Guess he smoked pot too... :D

God did exist, just wasn't so supreme, just part of an unknown alien race that we just can't seem to find at the moment, but one day they'll come back and save us all from the firey cannibalistic hellish midgets of doom. God was just the guy's name, he had party friends like Bob and George. He was once college party animal, a legacy carried on by Jesus.
yes, but if you dont believe god every existed, then you cant believe the theory. the theory wont work for athiests and agnostics, really.

Well, the Platypus was orginially one of the aliens, a husband to Mary. But once God found out Mary was already married, he turned the guy into a Platypus and sent him off into Australia. The Morphing Frogs, well, hey it's college, everyone tries a dooby at least once, so yes, God will succumb to peer pressure.